ec28d17dba
and line breaks.
5313 lines
139 KiB
Plaintext
5313 lines
139 KiB
Plaintext
%% $FreeBSD$
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A bad little girl in Madrid,
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A most reprehensible kid,
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Told her Tante Louise
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That her cunt smelled like cheese,
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And the worst of it was that it did!
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%
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A bather whose clothing was strewed
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By breezes that left her quite nude,
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Saw a man come along
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And, unless I am wrong,
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You expected this line to be lewd.
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%
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A bather whose clothing was strewed
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By breezes that left her quite nude,
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Saw a man come along
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And, unless I'm quite wrong,
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You expected this line to be lewd.
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%
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A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
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I am not I, I'm a tree."
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But another, more sane,
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Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
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And covered his pants leg with pee.
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%
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A beautiful belle of Del Norte
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Is reckoned disdainful and haughty
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Because during the day
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She says: "Boys, keep away!"
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But she fucks in the gloaming like forty.
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%
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A beautiful lady named Psyche
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Is loved by a fellow named Ikey.
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One thing about Ike
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The lady can't like
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Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey.
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%
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A beetling young woman named Pridgets
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Had a violent abhorrence of midgets;
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Off the end of a wharf
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She once pushed a dwarf
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Whose truncation reduced her to fidgets.
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-- Edward Gorey
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%
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A big-bosomed Bunny named Gression
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Sold cigars at a key-club concession.
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When she swiveled about
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Even strong men cried out,
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For her costume did not keep her flesh in.
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%
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A bobby of Nottingham Junction
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Whose organ had long ceased to function
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Deceived his good wife
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For the rest of her life
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With the aid of his constable's truncheon.
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%
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A broken-down harlot named Tupps
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Was heard to confess in her cups:
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"The height of my folly
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Was diddling a collie-
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But I got a nice price for the pups."
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%
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A broken-down harlot named Tupps
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Was heard to confess in her cups:
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"The height of my folly
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Was fucking a collie --
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But I got a nice price for the pups."
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%
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A burlesque dancer, a pip
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Named Virginia, could peel in a zip;
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But she read science fiction
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And died of constriction
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Attempting a Moebius strip.
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-- Cyril Kornbluth, "The Unfortunate Topology"
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%
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A busy young lady named Gloria
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Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier
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And then by six men,
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Sir Gerald again,
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And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.
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%
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A cabin boy on an old clipper
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Grew steadily flipper and flipper.
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He plugged up his ass
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With fragments of glass
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And thus circumcised his old skipper.
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%
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A cautious young fellow named Lodge
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Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
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When his date was strapped in,
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He committed a sin,
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Without even leaving his grodge.
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%
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A cautious young fellow named Lodge,
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Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
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With his date all strapped in
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He committed a sin
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Without even leaving the garage.
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-- "A Boy and His Dog"
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%
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A cautious young fellow named Tunney
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Had a whang that was worth any money.
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When eased in half-way,
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The girl's sigh made him say,
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"Why the sigh?" "For the rest of it, honey."
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%
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A certain young man, it was noted,
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Went about in the heat thickly-coated;
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He said, "You may scoff,
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But I shan't take it off;
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Underneath I am horribly bloated."
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-- Edward Gorey
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%
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A certain young person of Ghent,
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Uncertain if lady or gent,
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Shows his organs at large
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For a small handling charge
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To assist him in paying the rent.
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%
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A certain young sheik of Algiers
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Said to his harem, "My dears,
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Though you may think it odd of me,
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I'm tired of just sodomy
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Let's try straight fucking." (loud cheers!)
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%
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A chap down in Oklahoma
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Had a cock that could sing La Paloma,
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But the sweetness of pitch
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Couldn't put off the hitch
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Of impotence, size and aroma.
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%
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A charmer from old Amarillo,
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Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow,
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Decided one day
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That to keep men away
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She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo.
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%
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A chippy who worked in Black Bluff
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Had a pussy as large as a muff.
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It had room for both hands
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And some intimate glands,
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And was soft as a little duck's fluff.
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%
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A clerical student named Pryne
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Through pain sought to reach the divine:
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He wore a hair shirt,
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Quite often ate dirt,
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And bathed every Friday in brine.
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-- Edward Gorey
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%
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A clever young man named Eugene
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Invented a jack-off machine.
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On the twenty-third stroke
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The fuckin' thing broke
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And beat both his balls to a creame.
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%
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A clever young man named Eugene
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Invented a jack-off machine.
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On the twenty-third stroke
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The goddam thing broke
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And beat both his balls to a creame.
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%
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A cocksucking steno named Beeman
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Remarked as she swallowed my semen :
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"On my minuscule salary
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I must watch every calorie,
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So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!"
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%
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A computer called Illiac4
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Had a rather tough bug in its core.
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It chewed up its cards
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And spewed yards and yards
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Of illegible tape on the floor.
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%
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A computer, to print out a fact,
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Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
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But this output can be
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No more than debris,
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If the input was short of exact.
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-- Gigo
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%
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A contortionist hailing from Lynch
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Used to rent out his tool by the inch.
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A foot cost a quid --
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He could and he did
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Stretch it to three in a pinch.
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%
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A corpulent maiden named Kroll
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Had a notion exceedingly droll:
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At a masquerade ball,
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Dressed in nothing at all,
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She backed in as a Parker House roll.
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%
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A couple was fishing near Clombe
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When the maid began looking quite glum,
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And said, "Bother the fish!
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I'd rather coish!"
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Which they did -- which was why they had come.
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%
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A cowhand way out in Seattle
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Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle.
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He said, "No, I can't fuck
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A lamb or a duck,
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But golly! it just fits the cattle."
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%
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A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison
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And had an affair with a Saracen.
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She was not oversexed,
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Or jealous or vexed,
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She just wanted to make a comparison.
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%
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A CS student named Lin
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Had a prick the size of a pin
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It was no good for girls
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But just great for squirrels
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Who squealed with delight with it in.
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%
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A cute little twerp from Samoa
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Had a cock of one inch and no moa.
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It was good for keyholes
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And debutantes' peeholes
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But not worth a damn on a whoa.
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%
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A daredevil skater named Lowe,
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Leaps barrels arranged in the snow,
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But is proudest of doing,
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Some incredible screwing,
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Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row!
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%
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A deep-throated virgin named Netty
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Was sucking a cock on the jetty.
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She said, "It tastes nice,
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Much better than rice,
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Though not quite as good as spaghetti."
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%
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A delighted, incredulous bride
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Remarked to her groom at her side :
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"I never could quite
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Believe till tonight
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Our anatomies would coincide."
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%
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A dentist, young doctor Malone,
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Got a charming girl patient alone,
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And, in his depravity,
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Filled the wrong cavity.
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God, how his practice has grown.
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%
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A despairing old landlord named Fyfe,
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With a frigid and quarrelsome wife,
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Let his third-story front,
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To a willing young cunt,
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Who supplied him a new lease on life!
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%
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A desperate spinster from Clare
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Once knelt in the moonlight all bare,
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And prayed to her God
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For a romp on the sod--
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'Twas a passerby answered her prayer.
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%
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A distinguished professor from Swarthmore
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Got along with a sexy young sophomore.
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As quick as a glance
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He stripped off his pants,
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But he found that the sophomore'd got off more.
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%
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A doctoral student from Buckingham
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Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em.
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But a dropout from paree
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Taught him Gamahuchee
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- so he added a footnote on sucking 'em.
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%
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A doctoral student from Buckingham
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Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em.
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But a dropout from paree
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Taught him Gamahuchee
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So he added a footnote on sucking 'em.
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%
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A do-it-yourselfer named Alice,
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Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
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She blew her vagina
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To South Carolina,
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And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas.
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A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill,
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Used two dynamite sticks for a dil.
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They found her vagina,
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In South Carolina,
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And part of her ass in Brazil.
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%
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A dolly in Dallas named Alice,
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Whose overworked sex is all callous,
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Wore the foreskin away
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On uncircumcised Ray,
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Through exuberance, tightness, and malice.
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%
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A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis
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Wished to foster an aura of menace;
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To make people afraid
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He wore gloves of grey suede
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And white footgear intended for tennis.
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-- Edward Gorey
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%
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A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis
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Wished to foster an aura of menace.
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To make people afraid
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He wore gloves of grey suede
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And white footgear intended for tennis.
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-- Edward Gorey, "Amphigorey"
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%
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A dulcet-voiced callgirl named Shedd,
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Who's cultured, well-spoken, well-bred,
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Had achieved some reknown
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For her tone going down--
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There's a nice civil tongue in her head.
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%
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A fair-haired young damsel named Grace
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Thought it very, very foolish to place
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Her hand on your cock
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When it turned hard as rock,
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For fear it would explode in your face.
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%
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A farmer I know named O'Doole
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Had a long and incredible tool.
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He can use it to plow,
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Or to diddle a cow,
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Or just as a cue-stick at pool.
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%
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A fellatrix's healthful condition
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Proved the value of spunk as nutrition.
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Her remarkable diet
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(I suggest that you try it)
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Was only her clients' emission.
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%
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A fellow whose surname was Hunt
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Trained his cock to perform a slick stunt:
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This versatile spout
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Could be turned inside out,
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Like a glove, and be used as a cunt.
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%
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A fisherman off of Cape Cod
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Said, "I'll bugger that tuna, by God!"
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But the high-minded fish
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Resented his wish,
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And nimbly swam off with his rod.
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%
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A foolish geologist from Kissen
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Just didn't know what he was missin',
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By studying rock
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And neglecting his cock,
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And using it merely for pissin'.
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%
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A Frenchman who lived in Alsace
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Had sex with a virgin named Grace.
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When he popped her cherry,
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She made things hairy
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By bleeding all over his face.
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%
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A frustrated lady named Alice
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Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
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They found her vagina
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In North Carolina
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And bits of her tits were in Dallas.
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%
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A gay young prince from Morocco
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Made love in a manner rococco.
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He painted his penis
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To resemble a venus
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And flavored his semen with cocoa.
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%
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A geneticist living in Delft
|
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Scientifically played with himself,
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And when he was done
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He labled it: son,
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And filed him away on a shelf.
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%
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A geneticist living in Delft
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Scientifically played with himself,
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And when he was done
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He labled it: son,
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And filed him away on a shelf.
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A gentleman, otherwise meek,
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Detested with passion the leek;
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When offered one out
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He dealt such a clout
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To the maid, she was down for a week.
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-- Edward Gorey
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%
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A gentleman, otherwise meek,
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Detested with passion the leek;
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When offered one out
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He dealt such a clout
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To the maid, she was down for a week.
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-- Edward Gorey
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%
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A german composer named Bruckner
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Remarked to a lady while fuckener :
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"Less lento, my dear,
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With your cute little rear;
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I like a hot presto when muckener!"
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%
|
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A gift was delivered to Laura
|
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From a cousin who lived in Gomorrah;
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Wrapped in tissue and crepe,
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It was peeled, like a grape,
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And emitted a pale, greenish aura.
|
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-- Edward Gorey
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%
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A gifted young fellow from Sparta
|
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Was widely renowned as a farta'.
|
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He could fart anything
|
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From "Of Thee I Sing,"
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To Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata."
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%
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A girl camper once had an affair
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With a fellow all covered with hair.
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When she gave him his hat
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She realized that
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She'd been had by Smokey the Bear.
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%
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A girl of the Enterprise crew
|
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Refused every offer to screw.
|
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But a Vulcan named Spock
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Crawled under her smock,
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And now she is eating for two.
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%
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A girl of uncertain nativity
|
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Had an ass of extreme sensitivity
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While she sat on the lap
|
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Of a German or Jap,
|
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She could sense Fifth Column activity.
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%
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A graduate student named Zac
|
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Was said to be great in the sack.
|
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An inch of his boner
|
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Put girls in a coma
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And two gave them epileptic attacks.
|
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%
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A greedy young lady from Sidney
|
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Liked it in up to her kidney,
|
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Till a man from Quebec
|
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Shoved it up to her neck--
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He really diddled her, didn' he?
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%
|
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A green-thumbed young farmer from Leeds
|
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Once swallowed a package of seeds.
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In a month, his ass
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Was covered with grass
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And his balls were grown over with weeds.
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%
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A guest in a household quite charmless
|
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Was informed its eccentric was harmless:
|
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"If you're caught unawares
|
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At the head of the stairs,
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Just remember, he's eyeless and armless."
|
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-- Edward Gorey
|
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%
|
|
A habit depraved and unsavory
|
|
Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery
|
|
Midst screeches and howls
|
|
He deflowered young owls
|
|
Which he kept in an underground aviary
|
|
%
|
|
A habit obscene and bizarre,
|
|
Has taken a-hold of papa.
|
|
He brings home young camels
|
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And other odd mammals,
|
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And gives them a go at mama.
|
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%
|
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A habit obscene and unsavory,
|
|
Holds a CS professor in slavery.
|
|
With maniacal howls,
|
|
He deflowers young owls,
|
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That he keeps in an underground aviary.
|
|
%
|
|
A hacker who screwed a mag tape
|
|
Was caught and convicted of rape.
|
|
To jail he did go,
|
|
From which, to his woe
|
|
He couldn't get out with ESC.
|
|
%
|
|
A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk
|
|
Made love to the drive of his disk.
|
|
The thing circumsized him,
|
|
Which rather suprised him.
|
|
He wasn't aware of *that* risk.
|
|
%
|
|
A handsome young rodent named Gratian
|
|
As a lifeguard became a sensation.
|
|
All the lady mice waved
|
|
And screamed to be saved
|
|
By his mouse-to-mouse resuscitation.
|
|
%
|
|
A happy old hooker named Grace
|
|
Once sponsored a cunt-lapping race.
|
|
It was hard for beginners
|
|
To tell who were winners :
|
|
There were cunt hairs all over the place.
|
|
%
|
|
A hardware debugger named Court
|
|
Shoved his tool in an Ethernet port.
|
|
But its buffer array
|
|
Only handled 1K,
|
|
So the port's driver cut it off short.
|
|
%
|
|
A haughty young wench of Del Norte
|
|
Would fuck only men over forty.
|
|
Said she, "It's too quick
|
|
With a young fellow's prick;
|
|
I like it to last, and be warty."
|
|
%
|
|
A headstrong young woman in Ealing
|
|
Threw her two weeks' old child at the ceiling;
|
|
When quizzed why she did,
|
|
She replied, "To be rid
|
|
Of a strange, overpowering feeling."
|
|
-- Edward Gorey
|
|
%
|
|
A hearty young fellow named Yost
|
|
Once had an affair with a ghost.
|
|
At the height of the spasm
|
|
The poor ectoplasm
|
|
Cried, "Goodie, I feel it ... almost."
|
|
%
|
|
A hearty young fellow named Yost
|
|
Once had an affair with a ghost.
|
|
At the height of the spasm
|
|
The poor ectoplasm
|
|
Cried, "Goodie, I feel it... almost."
|
|
%
|
|
A hidebound young virgin named Carrie
|
|
Would say, when the fellows got hairy :
|
|
"Keep your prick in your pants
|
|
Till the end of this dance--"
|
|
Which is why Carrie still has her cherry.
|
|
%
|
|
A highly aesthetic young Jew
|
|
Had eyes of a heavenly blue;
|
|
The end of his dillie
|
|
Was shaped like a lilly,
|
|
And his balls were too utterly two!
|
|
%
|
|
A highway patrol buff named Claire,
|
|
Once screwed half a troop on a dare,
|
|
And her parts grew so hot,
|
|
There was steam on her twat,
|
|
So they nicknamed her Smokey the Bare!
|
|
%
|
|
A horny young fellow named Reg,
|
|
Was jerking off under a hedge.
|
|
The gardener drew near
|
|
With a huge pruning shear,
|
|
And trimmed off the edge of his wedge.
|
|
%
|
|
A huge-organed female in Dallas,
|
|
Named Alice, who yearned for a phallus,
|
|
Was virgo intacto,
|
|
Because, ipso facto,
|
|
No phallus in Dallas fit Alice.
|
|
%
|
|
A joker who haunts Monticello
|
|
Is really a terrible fellow.
|
|
In the midst of caresses
|
|
He fills ladies dresses
|
|
With garter snakes, ice cubes, and jello.
|
|
%
|
|
A lacklustre lady of Brougham
|
|
Weaveth all night at her loom.
|
|
Anon she doth blench
|
|
When her lord and his wench
|
|
Pull a chain in the neighbouring room.
|
|
%
|
|
A lad, at his first copulation,
|
|
Cried, "What a sensation! Inflation,
|
|
Gyration, elation
|
|
Throughout the duration,
|
|
I guess I'll give up masturbation."
|
|
%
|
|
A lad from far-off Transvaal
|
|
Was lustful, but tactful withal.
|
|
He'd say, just for luck,
|
|
"Mam'selle, do you fuck?"
|
|
But he'd bow till he almost would crawl.
|
|
%
|
|
A lad of the brainier kind
|
|
Had erogenous zones in his mind.
|
|
He got his sensations,
|
|
By solving equations,
|
|
(Of course, in the end, he went blind.)
|
|
%
|
|
A lady born under a curse
|
|
Used to drive forth each day in a hearse;
|
|
From the back she would wail
|
|
Through a thickness of veil:
|
|
"Things do not get better, but worse."
|
|
-- Edward Gorey
|
|
%
|
|
A lady both callous and brash
|
|
Met a man with a vast black moustache;
|
|
She cried, "Shave it, O do!
|
|
And I'll put it with glue
|
|
On my hat as a sort of panache."
|
|
-- Edward Gorey
|
|
%
|
|
A lady from Kalamazoo
|
|
Once found she had nothing to do,
|
|
So she sat on the stairs
|
|
And she counted her hairs:
|
|
4,302.
|
|
%
|
|
A lady from Old Little Rock
|
|
In fidelity took little stock,
|
|
And deserted her man
|
|
In the streets of Japan
|
|
For a boy with a prehensile cock.
|
|
%
|
|
A lady removing her scanties,
|
|
Heard them crackle electrical chanties.
|
|
Said her beau, "Have no fear,
|
|
For the reason is clear:
|
|
You simply have amps in your panties.
|
|
%
|
|
A lady stockholder quite hetera
|
|
Decided her fortune to bettera:
|
|
On the floor, quite unclad,
|
|
She successively had
|
|
Merrill Lynch, Pierce, Fenner, et cetera...
|
|
%
|
|
A lady was seized with intent
|
|
To revise her existence misspent.
|
|
So she climbed up the dome
|
|
Of St. Peter's in Rome,
|
|
Where she stayed through the following Lent.
|
|
-- Edward Gorey
|
|
%
|
|
A lady while dining at Crewe
|
|
Found an elephant's whang in her stew.
|
|
Said the waiter, "Don't shout,
|
|
And don't wave it about,
|
|
Or the others will all want one too."
|
|
%
|
|
A lady, while dining in Crewe,
|
|
Found an elephant's whang in her stew.
|
|
Said the waiter, "Don't shout
|
|
Or wave it about
|
|
Or the others will ask for one, too."
|
|
%
|
|
A lady who signs herself "Vexed"
|
|
Writes to say she believes she's been hexed:
|
|
"I don't mind my shins
|
|
Being stuck full of pins,
|
|
But I fear I am coming unsexed."
|
|
-- Edward Gorey
|
|
%
|
|
A lady with features cherubic
|
|
Was famed for her area pubic.
|
|
When they asked her its size
|
|
She replied in surprise,
|
|
"Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic?"
|
|
%
|
|
A lass at the foot of her class
|
|
Asked a brainier chick how to pass.
|
|
She replied, "With no fuss
|
|
You can get a B-plus,
|
|
By letting the prof pat your ass."
|
|
%
|
|
A lecherous barkeep named Dale,
|
|
After fucking his favorite female,
|
|
Mixed Drambuie and scotch
|
|
With the cream in her crotch
|
|
For a lustier, Rusty-er Nail.
|
|
%
|
|
A licentious old justice of Salem
|
|
Used to catch all the harlots and jail 'em.
|
|
But instead of a fine
|
|
He would stand them in line,
|
|
With his common-law tool to impale 'em.
|
|
%
|
|
A limerick packs laughs anatomical
|
|
Into space that is quite economical.
|
|
But the good ones I've seen
|
|
So seldom are clean,
|
|
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
|
|
%
|
|
A linguist thought it a farce
|
|
That memory space was so sparse.
|
|
One day they increased it.
|
|
Said he as he seized it:
|
|
"At last! Enough core for the parse".
|
|
%
|
|
A lonely young lad of Eton
|
|
Used always to sleep with the heat on,
|
|
Till he ran into a lass
|
|
Who showed him her ass --
|
|
Now they sleep with only a sheet on.
|
|
%
|
|
A lovely young diver named Nancy,
|
|
Wore a bikini bottom quite chancy,
|
|
The fish of Bonaire,
|
|
Watched her Derriere,
|
|
And the sea fans all tickled her fancy.
|
|
%
|
|
A lovely young maid from St. Jude
|
|
Once rode through the streets in the nude.
|
|
The police cried, "Whatam--
|
|
Agnificent bottom"
|
|
And slapped it as hard as they could.
|
|
%
|
|
A lovely young maid from St. Jude
|
|
Once rode through the streets in the nude.
|
|
The police cried, "Whatam--
|
|
Agnificent bottom"
|
|
And slapped it as hard as they cude.
|
|
%
|
|
A lusty young maid from Seattle
|
|
Got pleasure by sleeping with cattle;
|
|
Till she found a bull
|
|
Who filled her so full
|
|
It made both her ovaries rattle.
|
|
%
|
|
A lusty young woodsman of Maine
|
|
For years with no woman had lain,
|
|
But he found sublimation
|
|
At a high elevation
|
|
In the crotch of a pine -- God, the pain!
|
|
%
|
|
A madam who ran a bordello
|
|
Put come in her pineapple jello,
|
|
For the rich, sexy taste
|
|
And not wanting to waste
|
|
That greasy kid stuff from a fellow.
|
|
%
|
|
A maestro directing in Rome
|
|
Had a quaint way of driving it home.
|
|
Whoever he climbed
|
|
Had to keep her tail timed
|
|
To the beat of his old metronome.
|
|
%
|
|
A maiden who lived in Virginny
|
|
Had a cunt that could bark, neigh and whinny.
|
|
The horsey set rushed her,
|
|
But success finally crushed her
|
|
For her tone soon became harsh and tinny.
|
|
%
|
|
A maiden who travelled in France
|
|
Once got on a train, just by chance.
|
|
The engineer fucked her,
|
|
The conductor sucked her,
|
|
And the fireman came in his pants.
|
|
%
|
|
A maiden who wrote of big cities
|
|
Some songs full of love, fun and pities,
|
|
Sold her stuff at the shop
|
|
Of a musical wop
|
|
Who played with her soft little titties.
|
|
%
|
|
A man was once heard to boast,
|
|
That he received a parcel by post,
|
|
It contained, so we heard,
|
|
A magnificent turd,
|
|
And the balls of his grandfather's ghost.
|
|
%
|
|
A marine being sent to Hong Kong
|
|
Got a doctor to alter his dong.
|
|
He sailed off with a tool
|
|
Flat and thin as a rule -
|
|
When he got there he found he was wrong.
|
|
%
|
|
A mathematician named Hall
|
|
Had a hexhedronical ball,
|
|
And the square of its weight
|
|
Times his pecker's, plus eight,
|
|
Was four-fifths of five-eighths of fuck-all.
|
|
%
|
|
A mathematician named Hall
|
|
Has a hexahedronical ball,
|
|
And the cube of its weight
|
|
Times his pecker's, plus eight
|
|
Is his phone number -- give him a call...
|
|
%
|
|
A mathematician named Klein
|
|
Thought the Mobius band was divine.
|
|
Said he, "If you glue
|
|
The edges of two,
|
|
You'll get a weird bottle like mine!
|
|
%
|
|
A middle-aged codger named Bruin
|
|
Found his love life completely in ruin,
|
|
For he flirted with flirts
|
|
Wearing pants and no skirts,
|
|
And he never got in for no screwin'.
|
|
%
|
|
A milkmaid there was, with a stutter,
|
|
Who was lonely and wanted a futter.
|
|
She had nowhere to turn,
|
|
So she diddled a churn,
|
|
And managed to come with the butter.
|
|
%
|
|
A mortician who practised in Fife
|
|
Made love to the corpse of his wife.
|
|
"How could I know, Judge?
|
|
She was cold, did not budge--
|
|
Just the same as she'd acted in life."
|
|
%
|
|
A nasty old drunk in Carmel
|
|
Thinks it funny to piss in the well.
|
|
He says, "Some don't favor
|
|
That unusual flavor,
|
|
But I don't drink the stuff -- what the hell!"
|
|
%
|
|
A nervous young fellow named Fred
|
|
Took a charming young widow to bed.
|
|
When he'd diddled a while
|
|
She remarked with a smile,
|
|
"You've got it all in but the head."
|
|
%
|
|
A new dramatist of the absurd
|
|
Has a voice that will shortly be heard.
|
|
I learn from my spies
|
|
He's about to devise
|
|
An unprintable three-letter word.
|
|
%
|
|
A newlywed couple from Goshen
|
|
Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean.
|
|
In twenty-eight days
|
|
They got laid eighty ways --
|
|
Imagine such fucking devotion!
|
|
%
|
|
A newly-wed man of Peru
|
|
Found himself in a terrible stew:
|
|
His wife was in bed
|
|
Much deader than dead,
|
|
And so he had no one to screw.
|
|
%
|
|
A notorious whore named Ms. Hearst,
|
|
In the pleasures of men was well-versed.
|
|
Reads the sign o'er the head
|
|
Of her well-rumpled bed
|
|
"The customer always comes first."
|
|
%
|
|
A novice was told by the Abbot:
|
|
"Consider the goat and the rabbit.
|
|
While they roll in the hay
|
|
You just stay home and pray.
|
|
You've got to get out of that habit."
|
|
%
|
|
A nudist resort at Benares
|
|
Took a midget in all unawares.
|
|
But he made members weep
|
|
For he just couldn't keep
|
|
His nose out of private affairs.
|
|
%
|
|
A nurse motivated by spite
|
|
Tied her infantine charge to a kite;
|
|
She launched it with ease
|
|
On the afternoon breeze,
|
|
And watched till it flew out of sight.
|
|
-- Edward Gorey
|
|
%
|
|
A pansy who lived in Khartoum
|
|
Took a lesbian up to his room.
|
|
They argued all night
|
|
Over who had the right
|
|
To do what, with which, and to whom.
|
|
%
|
|
A passionate red-haired girl
|
|
When you kissed her, her senses would whirl,
|
|
And her twat would get wet,
|
|
And would wiggle and fret,
|
|
And her cunt-lips would curl and unfurl.
|
|
%
|
|
A pathetic old maid of Bordeaux
|
|
Fell in love with a dashing young beau.
|
|
To arrest his regard
|
|
She would squat in his yard
|
|
And longingly pee in the sneaux.
|
|
%
|
|
A petulant man once said, "Pish,
|
|
Your cunt is as big as a dish."
|
|
She replied, "Why, you fool,
|
|
With your limp little tool,
|
|
It's like driving a pin with a fish."
|
|
%
|
|
A physical fellow named Fisk
|
|
Could screw at a rate very brisk.
|
|
So fast was his action
|
|
The Fitzgerald contraction
|
|
Would shrink up his rod to a disk.
|
|
%
|
|
A pious old woman named Tweak
|
|
Had taught her vagina to speak.
|
|
It was frequently liable
|
|
To quote from the Bible,
|
|
But when fucking -- not even a squeak!
|
|
%
|
|
A pious young lady named Finnegan
|
|
Would caution her friend, "Well, you're in again;
|
|
So time it aright,
|
|
Make it last through the night,
|
|
For I certainly don't want to sin again!"
|
|
%
|
|
A pious young lady of Chichester
|
|
Made all of the saints in their niches stir
|
|
And each morning at matin
|
|
Her breast in pink satin
|
|
Made the bishop of Chichester's breeches stir.
|
|
%
|
|
A playful young chemist named Byrd
|
|
Had an urge that could not be deferred.
|
|
So to irritate Knox
|
|
He shit in his sox,
|
|
And plastered the walls with his turd.
|
|
%
|
|
A plumber whose name was John Brink
|
|
Plumbed the cook as she bent o'er the sink.
|
|
Her resistance was stout,
|
|
And John Brink petered out,
|
|
With his pipe-wrench all limber and pink.
|
|
%
|
|
A potter who lived in Bombay
|
|
Once fashioned a cunt out of clay;
|
|
But the heat of his prick
|
|
Kilned the damn thing to brick
|
|
And chafed all his foreskin away.
|
|
%
|
|
A pretty wife living in Tours
|
|
Demanded her daily amour.
|
|
But the husband said, "No!
|
|
It's to much. Let it go!
|
|
My backsides are dragging the floor."
|
|
%
|
|
A pretty young boy known as Kevin
|
|
Was raped in a pasture by seven
|
|
Lascivious beasts
|
|
(Oh, those Anglican priests)
|
|
And such is the Kingdom of Heaven.
|
|
%
|
|
A pretty young lady named Vogel
|
|
Once sat herself down on a molehill.
|
|
A curious mole
|
|
Nosed into her hole --
|
|
Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
|
|
%
|
|
A pretty young lady named Vogel
|
|
Once sat herself down on a molehill.
|
|
A curious mole
|
|
Nosed into her hole-
|
|
Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
|
|
%
|
|
A pretty young lady named Vogel
|
|
Once sat herself down on a molehill.
|
|
A curious mole
|
|
Nosed into her hole --
|
|
Ms. Vogel's okay, but the mole's ill.
|
|
%
|
|
A pretty young maiden from France
|
|
Decided she'd "just take a chance."
|
|
She let herself go
|
|
For an hour or so,
|
|
And now all her sisters are aunts.
|
|
%
|
|
A princess who lived near a bog
|
|
Met a prince in the form of a frog.
|
|
Now she and her prince
|
|
Are the parents of quints,
|
|
Four boys and one fine polliwog.
|
|
%
|
|
A princess who reigned in Baroda
|
|
Made her home on a purple pagoda.
|
|
She festooned the walls
|
|
Of her halls with the balls
|
|
And the tools of the fools who be-stroda'.
|
|
%
|
|
A programmer down in Moline
|
|
Said, I'm the match for any machine.
|
|
My secret's aversion,
|
|
To loops and recursion,
|
|
Just acres of in-line routine.
|
|
-- W.J. Wilson
|
|
%
|
|
A progressive professor named Winners
|
|
Held classes each evening for sinners.
|
|
They were graded and spaced
|
|
So the vile and debased
|
|
Would not be held back by beginners.
|
|
%
|
|
A rapist who reeked of cheap booze
|
|
Attempted to ravish Miss Hughes.
|
|
She cried, "I suppose
|
|
There's no time for my clothes,
|
|
But PLEASE let me take off my shoes!"
|
|
%
|
|
A rapturous young fellatrix
|
|
One day was at work on five pricks.
|
|
With an unholy cry
|
|
She whipped out her glass eye:
|
|
"Tell the boys I can now take on six."
|
|
%
|
|
A reckless young lady of France
|
|
Had no qualms about taking a chance,
|
|
But she thought it was crude
|
|
To get screwed in the nude,
|
|
So she always went home with damp pants.
|
|
%
|
|
A remarkable race are the Persians;
|
|
They have such peculiar diversions.
|
|
They make love the whole day
|
|
In the usual way
|
|
And save up the nights for perversions.
|
|
%
|
|
A remarkable race are the Persians,
|
|
They have such peculiar diversions.
|
|
They screw the whole day
|
|
In the regular way,
|
|
And save up the nights for perversions.
|
|
%
|
|
A responsive young girl from the East
|
|
In bed was an able artiste.
|
|
She had learned two positions
|
|
From family physicians,
|
|
And ten more from the old parish priest.
|
|
%
|
|
A romantic attraction has clung
|
|
To a chap of whom damsels have sung:
|
|
"'Tis the Scourge from the East,
|
|
That lascivious beast
|
|
Who was known as Attila the Hung!"
|
|
%
|
|
A sailor who slept in the sun,
|
|
Woke to find his fly buttons undone,
|
|
He remarked with a smile,
|
|
"Good grief, a sun-dial!
|
|
And now it's a quarter-past one."
|
|
%
|
|
A savvy young hooker named Gail
|
|
Got busted and lodged in the jail.
|
|
But the jailer got hot,
|
|
To be lodged in her twat,
|
|
And so Gail made the bail with her tail.
|
|
%
|
|
A scandal involving an oyster
|
|
Sent the Countess of Clews to a cloister
|
|
She preferred it, in bed,
|
|
To the count (so she said)
|
|
'Cause it's longer and stronger and moister.
|
|
%
|
|
A scream from the crypt of St. Giles
|
|
Resounded for miles upon miles.
|
|
Said the friar, "Good gracious,
|
|
The brother Ignatious
|
|
Forgeteth the abbot hath piles."
|
|
%
|
|
A seafaring hacker named Slatey
|
|
Went to bed with a VAX/780.
|
|
The thing's learned to swear
|
|
With a nautical air,
|
|
And refers to its users as "matey".
|
|
%
|
|
A sex-loving coed named Bree
|
|
Caught the clap from her Apple IIE.
|
|
The joystick, she found,
|
|
Had been fooling around
|
|
With a neighboring student's PC.
|
|
%
|
|
A silly young man from Hong Kong
|
|
Had hands that were skinny and long.
|
|
He ate rice with his fingers--
|
|
The taste of it lingers,
|
|
But now all his fingers are gone.
|
|
%
|
|
A slick talking pirate named Bruce
|
|
To steal code, had a plan to seduce
|
|
An Apple II+.
|
|
Now Bruce wears a truss
|
|
And was jailed for computer abuse.
|
|
%
|
|
A software technician from Digital
|
|
Had hardware extremely prodigical.
|
|
It's rumoured, I hear,
|
|
That when he was near
|
|
He made the ladies all flustered and fidgital.
|
|
%
|
|
A space shuttle pilot named Ventry,
|
|
Made love to a lovely girl sentry.
|
|
She started to pout,
|
|
Because it fell out,
|
|
But the mission was saved by re-entry.
|
|
%
|
|
A sperm faced, alack and forsooth,
|
|
His moment of sexual truth.
|
|
He'd expected to fall
|
|
On a womb's spongy wall
|
|
But was dashed to his death on a tooth.
|
|
%
|
|
A spinster in Kalamazoo
|
|
Once strolled after dark by the zoo.
|
|
She was seized by the nape,
|
|
And fucked by an ape,
|
|
And she murmured, "A wonderful screw."
|
|
|
|
And she added, "You're rough, yes, and hairy,
|
|
But I hope -- yes I do -- that I marry
|
|
A man with a prick
|
|
Half as stiff and as thick
|
|
As the kind that you zoo-keepers carry."
|
|
%
|
|
A spunky young schoolboy named Fred
|
|
Used totoss off each night while in bed.
|
|
Said his mother, "Dear lad,
|
|
That's exceedingly bad--
|
|
Jump in here with your mamma instead."
|
|
%
|
|
A starship commander named Kirk
|
|
Emerged from his cabin berserk.
|
|
He grabbed a girl yeoman
|
|
Beneath the abdomen,
|
|
And gave her a physical jerk.
|
|
%
|
|
A stout Gaelic warrior, McPherson,
|
|
Was having a captive, a person
|
|
Who was not averse
|
|
Though she had the curse,
|
|
And he'd breeches of bristling furs on.
|
|
%
|
|
A structured programmer named Drew
|
|
Was intensely turned on by "goto".
|
|
When he saw it in code
|
|
He'd shoot off his load.
|
|
It's a good thing his shop used so few.
|
|
%
|
|
A studious professor named Nestor
|
|
Bet a whore all his books that he could best her.
|
|
But she drained out his balls
|
|
And skipped up the walls,
|
|
Beseeching poor Nestor to rest her.
|
|
%
|
|
A sweetheart named Teresa Arden
|
|
Went down on her beau in the garden.
|
|
He said, "Good lord, Tess,
|
|
Don't swallow that mess "
|
|
And she replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?"
|
|
%
|
|
A sweetheart named Teresa Arden
|
|
Went down on her beau in the garden.
|
|
He said, "Good lord, Tess,
|
|
Don't swallow that mess!"
|
|
And she replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?"
|
|
%
|
|
A systems programmer named Sprotic
|
|
Found his software intensely erotic.
|
|
In jealous distress
|
|
He wiped his OS.
|
|
It's possible that he's psychotic.
|
|
%
|
|
A talented fuckstress, Miss Chisholm,
|
|
Was renowned for her fine paroxysm.
|
|
While the man detumesced
|
|
She still spent on with zest,
|
|
Her rapture sheer anachronism.
|
|
%
|
|
A talented girl from Detroit
|
|
Could fuck you in ways quite adroit.
|
|
She could squeeze her vagina
|
|
To a pin-point or finer
|
|
Or open it out like a quoit.
|
|
%
|
|
A team playing baseball in Dallas
|
|
Called te umpire blind out of malice.
|
|
While this worthy had fits
|
|
The team made eight hits
|
|
And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
|
|
%
|
|
A team playing baseball in Dallas
|
|
Called the umpire blind out of malice.
|
|
While this worthy had fits
|
|
The team made eight hits
|
|
And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
|
|
%
|
|
A teenage protester named Lil
|
|
Cried, "Those watergate spies make me ill
|
|
First they bugged our martinis,
|
|
Our bras and bikinis,
|
|
And now they are bugging the pill."
|
|
%
|
|
A thrice-married gal from L.A.
|
|
Said, "My hymen's intact to this day,
|
|
'Cause my first (a shrink) talked of it,
|
|
The voyeur only gawked at it,
|
|
And my most recent man's a gourmet."
|
|
%
|
|
A tidy young lady of Streator
|
|
Dearly loved to nibble a peter.
|
|
She always would say,
|
|
"I prefer it this way.
|
|
I think it is very much neater."
|
|
%
|
|
A timid young woman named Jane
|
|
Found parties a terrible strain;
|
|
With movements uncertain
|
|
She'd hide in a curtain
|
|
And make sounds like a rabbit in pain.
|
|
-- Edward Gorey
|
|
%
|
|
A tired young trollop of Nome
|
|
Was worn out from her toes to her dome.
|
|
Eight miners came screwing,
|
|
But she said, "Nothing doing;
|
|
One of you has to go home!"
|
|
%
|
|
A trapper named Francois Lefebrve
|
|
Once captured and buggered a beabrve.
|
|
The result of this fuck
|
|
Was a three titted duck,
|
|
A canoe, and an Irish retriebrve.
|
|
%
|
|
A tutor who tooted a flute
|
|
Tried to tutor two tutors to toot
|
|
Said the two to the tutor:
|
|
"Is it harder to toot or
|
|
To tutor two tutors to toot"
|
|
%
|
|
A vengeful technician named Schmitz
|
|
Caused a disk drive to go on the fritz.
|
|
He covered the platter
|
|
With bats' fecal matter.
|
|
Now it's seek time is really the pits.
|
|
%
|
|
A very intelligent turtle
|
|
Found programming UNIX a hurdle
|
|
The system, you see,
|
|
Ran as slow as did he,
|
|
And that's not saying much for the turtle.
|
|
%
|
|
A very odd pair are the Pitts:
|
|
His balls are as large as her tits,
|
|
Her tits are as large
|
|
As an invasion barge--
|
|
Neither knows how the other cohabits.
|
|
%
|
|
A wanton young lady from Wimley
|
|
Reproached for not acting quite primly
|
|
Said, "Heavens above!
|
|
I know sex isn't love,
|
|
But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
|
|
%
|
|
A water pipe suited miss Hunt;
|
|
She used it for many a bunt.
|
|
But the unlucky wench
|
|
Got it caught in her trench ---
|
|
It took twenty-two men and a big Stillson wrench,
|
|
To get the thing out of her cunt.
|
|
%
|
|
A weary old lecher named Blott
|
|
Took a luscious young blond to his yacht.
|
|
Too lazy to rape her,
|
|
He made darts out of paper,
|
|
Which he leisurely tossed at her twat.
|
|
%
|
|
A whimsical fellow named Bloch
|
|
Could beat the base drum with his cock.
|
|
With a special erection
|
|
He could play a selection
|
|
From Johann Sebastian Bach.
|
|
%
|
|
A wicked stone cutter named Cary
|
|
Drilled holes in divine statuary.
|
|
With eyes full of malice
|
|
He pulled out his phallus,
|
|
And buggered a stone Virgin Mary.
|
|
%
|
|
A wide-bottomed girl named Trasket
|
|
Had a hole as big as a basket.
|
|
A spot, as a bride,
|
|
In it now, you could hide,
|
|
And include with your luggage your mascot.
|
|
%
|
|
A widow whose singular vice
|
|
Was to keep her late husband on ice
|
|
Said, "It's been hard since I lost him --
|
|
I'll never defrost him!
|
|
Cold comfort, but cheap at the price."
|
|
%
|
|
A wonderful bird is the pelican.
|
|
His mouth can hold more than his belican.
|
|
He can take in his beak
|
|
Enough food for a week.
|
|
And I'm darned if I know how the helican.
|
|
%
|
|
A wonderful bird is the pelican.
|
|
His mouth can hold more than his belican.
|
|
He can take in his beak
|
|
Enough food for a week.
|
|
I'm darned if I know how the helican.
|
|
%
|
|
A wonderful tribe are the Sweenies,
|
|
Renowned for the length of their peenies.
|
|
The hair on their balls
|
|
Sweeps the floors of their halls,
|
|
But they don't look at women, the meanies.
|
|
%
|
|
A wood-fetish busboy named Gable
|
|
Is rapid, is thorough, is able;
|
|
But when everything's cleared,
|
|
He gives way to the weird,
|
|
As he lovingly busses each table.
|
|
%
|
|
A worn-out young husband named Lehr
|
|
Her daily his wife's plaintive prayer:
|
|
"Slip on a sheath, quick,
|
|
Then slip your big dick
|
|
Between these lips covered with hair."
|
|
%
|
|
A worried young man from Stamboul
|
|
Discovered red spots on his tool.
|
|
Said the doctor, a cynic,
|
|
"Get out of my clinic
|
|
Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool."
|
|
%
|
|
A worried young man from Stamboul
|
|
Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
|
|
Said the doctor, a cynic,
|
|
"Get out of my clinic;
|
|
Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
|
|
%
|
|
A young bride and groom of Australia
|
|
Remarked as they joined genitalia :
|
|
"Though the system seems odd,
|
|
We are thankful that God
|
|
Developed the genus Mammalia."
|
|
%
|
|
A young fellow discovered through Freud
|
|
That although of penis devoid,
|
|
He could practice coitus
|
|
By eating a foetus,
|
|
And his parents were quite overjoyed.
|
|
%
|
|
A young Juliet of St. Louis
|
|
On a balcony stood acting screwy.
|
|
Her Romeo climbed,
|
|
But he wasn't well timed,
|
|
And half-way up, off he went -- blooey!
|
|
%
|
|
A young lad named Lester McGraw
|
|
Caught a stranger on top of his Maw.
|
|
As he watched him stick her
|
|
He said, with a snicker,
|
|
"You do it much faster than Paw."
|
|
%
|
|
A young lady sat by the sea,
|
|
Just as proper as proper could be.
|
|
A young fellow goosed her,
|
|
And roughly seduced her,
|
|
So she thanked him and went home to tea.
|
|
%
|
|
A young lady who lived by the Usk
|
|
Subsisted each day on a rusk;
|
|
She ate the first bite
|
|
Before it was light,
|
|
And the last crumb sometime after dusk.
|
|
-- Edward Gorey
|
|
%
|
|
A young lass got married at Chester;
|
|
Her mother she kissed and she blessed her.
|
|
Said she, "You're in luck --
|
|
'E's a stunning good fuck,
|
|
For I've 'ad 'im meself down in Leicester."
|
|
%
|
|
A young maiden from France was no prude,
|
|
She decided to dive in the nude,
|
|
But her buddy, behind,
|
|
Went out of his mind,
|
|
When he noticed where she was tatooed.
|
|
%
|
|
A young man by a girl was desired
|
|
To give her the thrills she required,
|
|
But he died of old age
|
|
Ere his cock could assuage
|
|
The volcanic desire it inspired.
|
|
%
|
|
A young man from the banks of the Po
|
|
Found his cock had elongated so,
|
|
That when he'd pee
|
|
It was never he
|
|
But only his neighbors who'd know.
|
|
%
|
|
A young man grew increasingly peaky
|
|
In a house where the hinges were squeaky,
|
|
The ferns curled up brown,
|
|
The ceilings flaked down,
|
|
And all of the faucets were leaky.
|
|
-- Edward Gorey
|
|
%
|
|
A young man maintained that his trigger
|
|
Was so big that there weren't any bigger.
|
|
But this long and thick pud
|
|
Was so heavy it could
|
|
Scarcely lift up its head. It lacked vigor.
|
|
%
|
|
A young man of acumen and daring,
|
|
Who'd amassed a great fortune in herring,
|
|
Was left quite alone
|
|
When it soon became known
|
|
That their use at his board was unsparing.
|
|
-- Edward Gorey
|
|
%
|
|
A young man of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll
|
|
While bent over plucking a dingle
|
|
Had the whole of Eisteddfod
|
|
Taking turns at his pod
|
|
While they sang some impossible jingle.
|
|
%
|
|
A young man with passions quite gingery
|
|
Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie.
|
|
He slapped her behind
|
|
And made up his mind
|
|
To add incest to insult and injury.
|
|
%
|
|
A young polo-player of Berkeley
|
|
Made love to his sweetheart beserkly.
|
|
In the midst of each chukker
|
|
He would break off and fuck her
|
|
Horizontally, laterally and verkeley.
|
|
%
|
|
A young systems programmer of Sprotic
|
|
Found his software intensely erotic.
|
|
In jealous distress
|
|
He wiped his OS.
|
|
It's possible that he's a psychotic.
|
|
%
|
|
A young violinist from Rio
|
|
Was seducing a woman named Cleo.
|
|
As she took down her panties
|
|
She said, "No andantes;
|
|
I want this allegro con brio!"
|
|
%
|
|
A young wife in the outskirts of Reims
|
|
Preferred frigging to going to mass.
|
|
Said her husband, "Take Jacques,
|
|
Or any young cock,
|
|
For I cannot live up to your ass."
|
|
%
|
|
A young woman got married at Chester,
|
|
Her mother she kissed her and blessed her.
|
|
Says she, "You're in luck,
|
|
He's a stunning good fuck,
|
|
For I've had him myself down in Leicester."
|
|
%
|
|
According to experts, the oyster
|
|
In its shell - a crustacean cloister -
|
|
May frequently be
|
|
Either he or a she
|
|
Or both, if it should be its choice ter.
|
|
%
|
|
Alas for the Countess d'Isere,
|
|
Whose muff wasn't furnished with hair.
|
|
Said the Count, "Quelle surprise!"
|
|
When he parted her thighs;
|
|
"Magnifique! Pourtant pas de la guerre."
|
|
%
|
|
All the female apes ran from King Kong
|
|
For his dong was unspeakably long.
|
|
But a friendly giraffe
|
|
Quaffed his yard and a half,
|
|
And ecstatically burst into song.
|
|
%
|
|
An aesthete from South Carolina
|
|
Had a cock that tickled like China,
|
|
But while shooting his load
|
|
It cracked like old Spode,
|
|
So he's bought him a Steuben vagina.
|
|
%
|
|
An agreeable girl named Miss Doves
|
|
Likes to jack off the young men she loves.
|
|
She will use her bare fist
|
|
If the fellows insist
|
|
But she really prefers to wear gloves.
|
|
%
|
|
An AI researcher named Bluth
|
|
Wrote, to find out the sexual truth,
|
|
Eroticon VI,
|
|
Which he taught certain tricks
|
|
Which I'm sure can't be found in Knuth.
|
|
%
|
|
An amazon giantess named Dunne
|
|
Let a midget screw her for fun.
|
|
But the poor little runt
|
|
Was engulfed in her cunt
|
|
And re-born as the twin of his son.
|
|
%
|
|
An ambitious lady named Harriet
|
|
Once dreamed she was raped in a chariot
|
|
By seventeen sailors
|
|
A monk and three tailors,
|
|
Mohammed and Judas Iscariot.
|
|
%
|
|
An anonymous woman we knew
|
|
Was dozing one day in her pew;
|
|
When the preacher yelled "Sin!"
|
|
She said, "Count me in
|
|
As soon as the service is through."
|
|
%
|
|
An architect fellow named Yoric
|
|
Could, when feeling euphoric,
|
|
Display for selection
|
|
Three kinds of erection-
|
|
Corinthian, ionic, and doric.
|
|
%
|
|
An architect fellow named Yoric
|
|
Could, when feeling euphoric,
|
|
Display for selection
|
|
Three kinds of erection-
|
|
Corinthian,ionic,and doric.
|
|
%
|
|
An ardent young man named Magruder
|
|
Once wooed a girl nude in Bermuda.
|
|
She thought it quite lewd
|
|
To be wooed in the nude,
|
|
But magruder was shrewder, he screwed her.
|
|
%
|
|
An Argentine gaucho named Bruno
|
|
Who said, "Fucking is one thing I do know.
|
|
Women are fine
|
|
And sheep are divine
|
|
But llamas are numero uno."
|
|
%
|
|
An ARPAnaut name of Corvette
|
|
Had a fetish involving the net.
|
|
As he fondled his IMP
|
|
His cock went from limp
|
|
To as hard as concrete which has set.
|
|
%
|
|
An arrogant wench from Salt Lake
|
|
Liked to tease all the boys on the make.
|
|
She was finally the prize
|
|
Of a man twice her size
|
|
And all she recalls is the ache.
|
|
%
|
|
An artist who lived in Australia
|
|
Once painted his ass like a Dahlia.
|
|
The drawing was fine,
|
|
The colour - devine,
|
|
The scent - ah, that was a failia.
|
|
%
|
|
An artist who lived in Australia
|
|
Once painted his ass like a Dahlia.
|
|
The drawing was fine,
|
|
The colour - divine,
|
|
The scent - ah, that was a failia.
|
|
%
|
|
An eager young hacker named Gus
|
|
Once buggered a VAX Unibus.
|
|
The hardware went bad,
|
|
But not the young lad
|
|
(Except for the toupee and truss).
|
|
%
|
|
An eager young hacker named Gus
|
|
Once buggered a VAX Unibus.
|
|
The hardware went bad,
|
|
But not the young lad
|
|
He didn't expect all that fuss!
|
|
%
|
|
An Edwardian father named Udgeon,
|
|
Whose offspring provoked him to dudgeon,
|
|
Used on Saturday nights
|
|
To turn down the lights,
|
|
And chase them around with a bludgeon.
|
|
-- Edward Gorey
|
|
%
|
|
An envious girl named McMeanus
|
|
Was jealous of her lover's big penis.
|
|
It was small consolation
|
|
That the rest of the nation
|
|
Of women were with her in weeness.
|
|
%
|
|
An exotic young lady named Suki
|
|
Once danced in a troupe of kabuki
|
|
When asked for a fuck
|
|
She said, "Solly, no luck--
|
|
See here: looky looky, no nuki "
|
|
%
|
|
An impish young fellow named James
|
|
Had a passion for idiot games.
|
|
He lighted the hair
|
|
Of his lady's affair
|
|
And laughed as she pissed through the flames.
|
|
%
|
|
An impotent Scot named MacDougall
|
|
Had to husband his sperm and be frugal.
|
|
He was gathering semen
|
|
To gender a he-man,
|
|
By screwing his wife through a bugle.
|
|
%
|
|
An incautious young woman named Venn
|
|
Was seen with the wrong sort of men;
|
|
She vanished one day,
|
|
But the following May
|
|
Her legs were retrieved from a fen.
|
|
-- Edward Gorey
|
|
%
|
|
An indefatigable woman named Bavel
|
|
Had often occasion to travel;
|
|
On the way she would sit
|
|
And furiously knit,
|
|
And on the way back she'd unravel.
|
|
-- Edward Gorey
|
|
%
|
|
An ingenious young man in South Bend
|
|
Made a synthetic ass for a friend,
|
|
But the friend shortly found
|
|
Its construction unsound,
|
|
It was simply a bother -- no end.
|
|
%
|
|
An innocent maiden named Herridge
|
|
Was cruelly tricked ito marriage;
|
|
When she later found out
|
|
What her spouse was about,
|
|
She threw herself under a carriage.
|
|
-- Edward Gorey
|
|
%
|
|
An inquisitive virgin named Dora
|
|
Asked the man who started to bore 'er :
|
|
"Do you mean birds and bees
|
|
Go through antics like these,
|
|
To suppy us our fauna and flora?"
|
|
%
|
|
An irate young lady named Booker
|
|
Told her husband, "You beast, I'm no hooker!
|
|
If you want it queer ways,
|
|
Go to whores for your lays!"
|
|
So he packed up his tool and forsook 'er.
|
|
%
|
|
An octagenerian Jew
|
|
To his wife remained steadfastly true.
|
|
This was not from compunction,
|
|
But due to dysfunction
|
|
Of his spermatic glands -- nuts to you.
|
|
%
|
|
An old couple just at Shrovetide
|
|
Were having a piece -- when he died.
|
|
The wife for a week
|
|
Sat tight on his peak,
|
|
And bounced up and down as she cried.
|
|
%
|
|
An old electronic designer
|
|
Had designs on a minor named Dinah.
|
|
He couldn't carry them out
|
|
For his prick was too stout,
|
|
And too small was the minor's vagina.
|
|
%
|
|
An old gentleman's crotchets and quibblings
|
|
Were a terrible trial to his siblings,
|
|
But he was not removed
|
|
Till one day it was proved
|
|
That the bell-ropes were damp with his dribblings.
|
|
-- Edward Gorey
|
|
%
|
|
An old maid who had a pet ape
|
|
Lived in fear of perpetual rape.
|
|
His red, hairy phallus
|
|
So filled her with malice
|
|
That she sealed up her snatch with Scotch tape.
|
|
%
|
|
An old man at the Folies Bergere
|
|
Had a jock, a most wondrous affair:
|
|
It snipped off a twat-curl
|
|
From each new chorus girl,
|
|
And he had a wig made of the hair.
|
|
%
|
|
An organist playing in York
|
|
Had a prick that could hold a small fork,
|
|
And between obbligatos
|
|
He'd munch at tomatoes,
|
|
To keep up his strength while at work.
|
|
%
|
|
An orgasmic young sex star named Sue
|
|
Was a hit as she writhed to a screw.
|
|
Her climatic fame spread
|
|
With an ad blitz that said:
|
|
Coming soon at a theater near you!
|
|
%
|
|
An uptight young lady named Breerley
|
|
Who valued her morals too dearly
|
|
Had sex, so I hear,
|
|
Only once every year,
|
|
And she strained her vagina severely.
|
|
%
|
|
An earnest young woman in Thrace
|
|
Said, "Darling, that's not the right place!"
|
|
So he gave her a thwack,
|
|
And did on her back,
|
|
What he couldn't have done face to face.
|
|
%
|
|
And then there's the story that's fraught
|
|
With disaster -- of balls that got caught,
|
|
When a chap took a crap
|
|
In the woods, and a trap
|
|
Underneath... Oh, I can't bear the thought!
|
|
%
|
|
As for weirdness, the guy who's the tops
|
|
Is a kinky old butcher named Pops.
|
|
Since he thinks it's effete
|
|
To be beating his meat,
|
|
What he's into is licking his chops.
|
|
%
|
|
As he came in his chubby choirboy,
|
|
Father Burke said, "There's no greater joy!
|
|
If no sodomy levens
|
|
And possible heavens,
|
|
Existence will merely annoy."
|
|
%
|
|
As the breeches-buoy swing towards the rocks,
|
|
Its occupant cried, "Save my socks!
|
|
I could not bear the loss,
|
|
For with scarlet silk floss
|
|
My mama has embroidered their clocks."
|
|
-- Edward Gorey
|
|
%
|
|
As tourists inspected the apse
|
|
An ominous series of raps
|
|
Came from under the altar,
|
|
Which caused some to falter
|
|
And others to shriek and collapse.
|
|
-- Edward Gorey
|
|
%
|
|
Asked a supplicant priest of the pontiff,
|
|
"Do I sin if I do what I want, if
|
|
I screw a young nun
|
|
In the eastertide sun?"
|
|
His holiness murmured, "Gut yontiff."
|
|
%
|
|
At a contest for farting in Butte
|
|
One lady's exertion was cute :
|
|
It won the diploma
|
|
For fetid aroma,
|
|
And three judges were felled by the brute.
|
|
%
|
|
At a dance, a girl from Connecticut
|
|
Showed an absolute absence of etiquette
|
|
Letting all comers press
|
|
Through the skirt of her dress
|
|
And wiping the mess with her petticoat.
|
|
%
|
|
At the end of all civilization
|
|
Is the planet Terminus's location.
|
|
There's a girl there whose feat,
|
|
Without stone or concrete,
|
|
Nonetheless, was to lay the Foundation.
|
|
%
|
|
At the moment Japan declared war
|
|
A sailor was fucking a whore.
|
|
He said, "After this poke
|
|
`Long and hard' ain't no joke;
|
|
This means months 'til I get back ashore."
|
|
%
|
|
At the Villa Nemetia the sleepers
|
|
Are disturbed by a phantom in weepers;
|
|
It beats all night long
|
|
A dirge on a gong
|
|
As it staggers about in the creepers.
|
|
-- Edward Gorey
|
|
%
|
|
At Vassar, sex isn't injurious,
|
|
Though of love we are never penurious.
|
|
Thanks to vulcanized aids,
|
|
Though we may die old maids,
|
|
At least we shall never die curious.
|
|
%
|
|
At whist drives and strawberry teas
|
|
Fan would giggle and show off her knees;
|
|
But when she was alone
|
|
She'd drink eau de cologne,
|
|
And weep from a sense of unease.
|
|
-- Edward Gorey
|
|
%
|
|
Augustus, for slpashing his soup,
|
|
Was put for the night on the stoop;
|
|
In the morning he'd not
|
|
Repented a jot,
|
|
And next day he was dead of the croup.
|
|
-- Edward Gorey
|
|
%
|
|
Augustus, for splashing his soup,
|
|
Was put for the night on the stoop;
|
|
In the morning he'd not
|
|
Repented a jot,
|
|
And next day he was dead of the croup.
|
|
-- Edward Gorey
|
|
%
|
|
Back in the days of old Adam
|
|
The grass served as mattress for madam,
|
|
And they spent the whole day
|
|
On the sex that today
|
|
They would bounce on box springs, if they had 'em.
|
|
%
|
|
Each Friday his engines abort,
|
|
But Scotty is never caught short.
|
|
He fills his machines
|
|
With space-navy beans,
|
|
And farts the ship back into port.
|
|
%
|
|
Each night Father fills me with dread
|
|
When he sits on the foot of my bed;
|
|
I'd not mind that he speaks
|
|
In gibbers and squeaks,
|
|
But for the seventeen years he's been dead.
|
|
-- Edward Gorey
|
|
%
|
|
Each night Father fills me with dread
|
|
When he sits on the foot ofmy bed;
|
|
I'd not mind that he speaks
|
|
In gibbers and squeaks,
|
|
But for the seventeen years he's been dead.
|
|
-- Edward Gorey
|
|
%
|
|
From deep in the crypt at St. Giles
|
|
Came a bellow that echoed for miles.
|
|
Said the rector, "My gracious,
|
|
Has Father Ignatius
|
|
Forgotten the Bishop has piles!?"
|
|
%
|
|
From Number Nine, Penwiper Mews,
|
|
There is really abominable news;
|
|
They've discovered a head
|
|
In the box for the bread,
|
|
But nobody seems to know whose.
|
|
-- Edward Gorey
|
|
%
|
|
From the bathing machine came a din
|
|
As of jollification within;
|
|
It was heard far and wide,
|
|
And the incoming tide
|
|
Had a definite flavour of gin.
|
|
-- Edward Gorey
|
|
%
|
|
"Fucked by the finger of Fate!"
|
|
Bewailed a young fellow named Tate.
|
|
"Since dating Miss Baugh,
|
|
My whole tongue has been raw--
|
|
It must have been something I ate."
|
|
%
|
|
In the case of a lady named Frost,
|
|
Whose cunt's a good two feet acrost,
|
|
It's the best part of valor
|
|
To bugger the gal, or
|
|
You're apt to fall in and get lost.
|
|
%
|
|
In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
|
|
Complacently stroking his madam,
|
|
And loud was his mirth
|
|
For on all of the earth
|
|
There were only two balls -- and he had 'em.
|
|
%
|
|
In the garden of Eden lay Adam,
|
|
Complacently stroking his madam
|
|
And loud was his mirth
|
|
For on all of the earth
|
|
There were only two balls and he had'em.
|
|
%
|
|
In the little French town of Le'Beau,
|
|
Lived a maiden exceedingly droll.
|
|
At a masquerade ball,
|
|
Clad in nothing at all,
|
|
She backed in as a Parker house roll.
|
|
%
|
|
It always delights me at Hank's
|
|
To walk up the old river banks.
|
|
One time in the grass
|
|
I stepped on an ass,
|
|
And heard a young girl murmur, "Thanks."
|
|
%
|
|
It had snowed, and the man in the drift,
|
|
Flagged her down and asked, "Give me a lift?"
|
|
They sat in her Bentley,
|
|
She fondled him gently,
|
|
And the lift that he'd asked for was swift!
|
|
%
|
|
The late Brigham Young was no neuter --
|
|
No faggot, no fairy, no fruiter.
|
|
Where ten thousand virgins
|
|
Succumbed to his urgin's
|
|
There now stands the great State of Utah.
|
|
%
|
|
The latest reports from Good Hope
|
|
State that apes there have pricks thick as rope,
|
|
And fuck high, wide, and free,
|
|
From the top of one tree
|
|
To the top of the next -- what a scope!
|
|
%
|
|
The limerick, a verse form iniquitous,
|
|
Has nonetheless been ubiquitous.
|
|
Once Congress in session,
|
|
Declared its suppression,
|
|
But people got around that by writing the last line with no rhyme or meter.
|
|
%
|
|
The limerick is furtive and mean;
|
|
You must keep her in close quarantine,
|
|
Or she sneaks to the slums
|
|
And promptly becomes
|
|
Disorderly, drunk, and obscene.
|
|
-- Morris Bishop
|
|
%
|
|
The old archeologist, Throstle,
|
|
Discovered a marvelous fossil.
|
|
He knew from its bend
|
|
And the knot on the end,
|
|
T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle.
|
|
%
|
|
There a young man from the Coast
|
|
Who had an affair with a ghost.
|
|
At the height of orgasm
|
|
Said the pallid phantasm,
|
|
"I think I can feel it -- almost!"
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a bishop from Birmingham
|
|
Who deflowered young girls while confirming 'em.
|
|
As they knelt on the hassock
|
|
He lifted his cassock
|
|
And slipped his episcopal worm in 'em.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a boy named Carruthers
|
|
Who was busily fucking his mother
|
|
"I know it's a sin,"
|
|
He said, shoving it in,
|
|
"But it's better than blowing my brother."
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a chick named Longet,
|
|
Who went out to Aspen to play.
|
|
Along came a Spyder,
|
|
Who sat down beside her
|
|
And she blew the poor bastard away.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a clergyman's daughter
|
|
Who detested the pony he bought her,
|
|
Till she found that its dong
|
|
Was as hard and as long
|
|
As the prayers her father had taught her.
|
|
|
|
She married a fellow named Tony
|
|
Who soon found her fucking the pony.
|
|
Said he, "What's it got,
|
|
My dear, that I've not?"
|
|
Sighed she, "Just a yard-long bologna."
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a couple named Kelley,
|
|
Who lived their life belly to belly.
|
|
Because in their haste
|
|
They used library paste,
|
|
Instead of petroleum jelly.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a couple named Kelly
|
|
Who walked around belly-to-belly.
|
|
It seems in their haste,
|
|
They used Carter's paste
|
|
Instead of petroleum jelly.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a dentist named Stone
|
|
Who saw all his patients alone.
|
|
In a fit of depravity
|
|
He filled the wrong cavity,
|
|
And my, how his practice has grown!
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a Duchess of Beever
|
|
Who slept with her golden retriever.
|
|
Said the potted old Duke :
|
|
"Such tricks make me puke!
|
|
Were it not for her money, I'd leave her."
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a Duchess of Bruges
|
|
Whose cunt was incredibly huge.
|
|
Said the king to this dame
|
|
As he thunderously came:
|
|
"Mon Dieu! Apres moi, le deluge!"
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a fag of Khartoom
|
|
Who spent the night in a Lesbians room.
|
|
They argued all night,
|
|
Over who had the right,
|
|
To do what, and with which, and to whom.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a fairy named Avers
|
|
Who encircled his cock with lifesavers.
|
|
Though buggers all claimed
|
|
That their asses were maimed,
|
|
Sixy-niners all cheered the new flavors.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a fellow named Bob
|
|
Who in sexual ways was a snob.
|
|
One day he was swimmin'
|
|
With twelve naked women
|
|
And deserted them all for a gob.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a fellow named Brewster
|
|
Who said to his wife, as he goosed her,
|
|
"It used to be grand
|
|
But look at my hand
|
|
You're not wiping as clean as ya uster."
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a fellow named Howard,
|
|
Whose tool it was nuclear-powered,
|
|
While grabbing some ass,
|
|
He reached critical mass,
|
|
But think of the girl he deflowered!
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a fellow named Potts
|
|
Who was prone to having the trots
|
|
But his humble abode
|
|
Was without a commode
|
|
So his carpet was covered with spots.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a fellow named Siegel
|
|
Who attempted to bugger a beagle,
|
|
But the mettlesome bitch
|
|
Turned and said with a twitch,
|
|
"It's fun, but you know it's illegal."
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a fellow named Sweeney
|
|
Who spilled gin all over his weenie.
|
|
Not being uncouth,
|
|
He added vermouth
|
|
And slipped his amour a martini.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a fencer named Fisk,
|
|
Whose speed was incredibly brisk.
|
|
So fast was his action,
|
|
The Fitzgerald contraction,
|
|
Foreshortended his foil to a disk.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a fiesty young terrier
|
|
Who liked to bite girls on the derriere.
|
|
He'd yip and he'd yap,
|
|
Then leap up and snap;
|
|
And the fairer the derriere the merrier.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a floozie named Annie
|
|
Whose prices were cosy--but cannie:
|
|
A buck for a fuck,
|
|
Fifty cents for a suck,
|
|
And a dime for a feel of her fanny.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a freshman named Lin,
|
|
Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
|
|
A virgin named Joan
|
|
From a bible belt home,
|
|
Said "This won't be much of a sin."
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a gangster named Brown
|
|
- the sneakiest bastard in town.
|
|
He was caught by G-men
|
|
Shooting his semen
|
|
Where the cops would slip and fall down.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a gaucho named Bruno,
|
|
Who said, "About sex, well, I do know,
|
|
Sheep are just fine,
|
|
Chickens, divine,
|
|
But iguanas are Numero Uno."
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a gay young Parisian
|
|
Who screwed an appendix incision,
|
|
And the girl of his choice
|
|
Could hardly rejoice
|
|
At the horrible lack of precision.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a girl from Cornell
|
|
Whose teats were shaped like a bell.
|
|
When you touched them they shrunk,
|
|
Except when she was drunk,
|
|
And then they got bigger than hell.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a girl from Decatur,
|
|
Who got laid by a big alligator.
|
|
Now nobody knew
|
|
The result of that screw,
|
|
'Cause after he laid her, he ate her.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a girl from Madras
|
|
Who had such a beautiful ass -
|
|
It was not round and pink
|
|
( as you bastards think )
|
|
But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a girl from Madras
|
|
Who had such a beautiful ass -
|
|
It was not round and pink
|
|
(As you bastards think)
|
|
But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a girl from Spokane,
|
|
Went to bed with a one-legged man.
|
|
She said, "I know you--
|
|
You've really got two!
|
|
Why didn't you say so when we began?"
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a girl named Irene
|
|
Who lived on distilled kerosene
|
|
But she started absorbin'
|
|
A new hydrocarbon
|
|
And since then has never benzene.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a girl named Louise
|
|
Who cunt hair hung down to her knees
|
|
The crabs in her twat
|
|
Tied the hairs in a knot
|
|
And constructed a flying trapeze
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a girl named Mcgoffin
|
|
Who was diddled amazingly often.
|
|
She was rogered by scores
|
|
Who'd been turned down by whores,
|
|
And was finally screwed in her coffin.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a girl named Priscilla
|
|
Whose vagina was flavored vanilla.
|
|
The taste was so fine
|
|
Man and beast stood in line
|
|
(Including a stud armadilla).
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a girl so lovely,
|
|
Who wanted to make love in the bubbly,
|
|
She strapped on her tanks,
|
|
And started her pranks,
|
|
But the lobsters all thought she was ugly.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a golfer named Leer,
|
|
Who got put in the clink for a year,
|
|
For an action obscene,
|
|
On the very first green.
|
|
Where the sign said "Enter course here."
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a gouty old colonel
|
|
Who grew glum when the weather grew vernal,
|
|
And he cried in his tiffin
|
|
For his prick wouldn't stiffen,
|
|
And the size of the thing was infernal.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a guardsman from Buckingham
|
|
Who said, "As for girls, I hate fucking 'em.
|
|
But when I meet boys,
|
|
God! how I enjoys
|
|
Just licking their peckers and sucking 'em."
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a hacker named Ken
|
|
Who inherited truckloads of Yen.
|
|
So he built him some chicks,
|
|
Of silicon chips,
|
|
And hasn't been heard from since then.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a handsome young seaman
|
|
Who with ladies was really a demon.
|
|
In peace or in war,
|
|
At sea or on shore,
|
|
He could certainly dish out the semen.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a horny old bitch
|
|
With a motorized self-frigger which
|
|
She would use with delight
|
|
All day long and all night -
|
|
Twenty bucks: Abercrombie & Fitch.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a horse named Lily
|
|
Whose dingus was really a dilly.
|
|
It was vaginoid duply,
|
|
And labial quadruply --
|
|
In fact, he was really a filly.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a husky young Viking
|
|
Whose sexual prowess was striking.
|
|
Every time he got hot
|
|
He would scour the twat
|
|
Of some girl that might be to his liking.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a jolly old bloke
|
|
Who picked up a girl for a poke.
|
|
He took down her pants,
|
|
Fucked her into a trance,
|
|
And then shit into her shoe for a joke.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a kiddie named Carr
|
|
Caught a man on top of his mar.
|
|
As he saw him stick 'er,
|
|
He said with a snicker,
|
|
"You do it much faster than par."
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a lady from Exeter,
|
|
So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
|
|
One was even so brave
|
|
As to take out and wave
|
|
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a lady from Kansas
|
|
Whose cunt was as big as Bonanzas.
|
|
It was nine inches deep
|
|
And the sides were quite steep --
|
|
It had whiskers like General Carranza's.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a lady named Carter,
|
|
Fell in love with a virile young Tartar.
|
|
She stripped off his pants,
|
|
At his prick quickly glanced,
|
|
And cried: "For that I'll be a martyr!"
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a lady named Clair,
|
|
Who posessed a magnificent pair.
|
|
Or that's what I thought,
|
|
Till I saw one get caught,
|
|
On a thorn and begin losing air.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a lady named Myrtle
|
|
Who had an affair with a turtle.
|
|
She had crabs, so they say,
|
|
In a year and a day
|
|
Which proved that that turtle was fertile.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a lawyer named Rex
|
|
With minuscule organs of sex.
|
|
Arraigned for exposure,
|
|
He maintained with composure,
|
|
"De minimis non curat lex."
|
|
|
|
[Trans: the law does not concern itself with small things. Ed.]
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a lifeguard named Lee
|
|
Who rescued a girl from the sea
|
|
She asked how to pay,
|
|
And he said "Try this way,
|
|
Go down for the third time on me."
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a maid from Mobile
|
|
Whose cunt was made of blue steel.
|
|
She only got thrills
|
|
From pneumatic drills
|
|
And an off-centered emery wheel.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a man from Bombay
|
|
He would do it all night and all day
|
|
He soon became sore
|
|
You shoulda' heard him roar
|
|
When his wife rubbed his balls with Ben-Gay!
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a man from Calcutta
|
|
Who used to beat off in the gutta
|
|
The heat of the sun
|
|
Affected his gun
|
|
And turned all his cream into butta!
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a man from Dunoon,
|
|
Who always ate soup with a fork.
|
|
He said "When I eat
|
|
Either fish, foul or flesh,
|
|
I otherwise finish too quick."
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a man from Exameter
|
|
Who had a prodigious diameter
|
|
But it wasn't the size
|
|
That brought forth the cries
|
|
'Twas his rythm, iambic pentameter.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a man from Madras,
|
|
Whose balls were made out of brass.
|
|
When they clanged together,
|
|
They played "Stormy Weather",
|
|
And lightning shot out of his ass.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a man from Nantee
|
|
Who buggered an ape in a tree.
|
|
The results were most horrid
|
|
All ass and no forehead
|
|
Three balls and a purple goatee.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a man from Nantucket
|
|
Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
|
|
His daughter, named Nan,
|
|
Ran away with a man,
|
|
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
|
|
|
|
The pair of them went to Manhasset,
|
|
(Nan and the man with the asset.)
|
|
Pa followed them there,
|
|
But they left in a tear,
|
|
And as for the asset, Manhasset.
|
|
|
|
Pa followed the pair to Pawtucket,
|
|
(Nan and the man with the bucket.)
|
|
Pa said to the man,
|
|
"You're welcome to Nan."
|
|
But as for the bucket, Pawtucket.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a man from Nantucket,
|
|
Whose cock was so long he could suck it.
|
|
He said with a grin,
|
|
As he wiped off his chin,
|
|
If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it!
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a man from Nantucket
|
|
Whose dick was so long he could suck it.
|
|
He said with a grin
|
|
As he wiped off his chin,
|
|
"If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it."
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a man from Racine,
|
|
Who invented a screwing machine.
|
|
Both concave and convex,
|
|
It could please either sex,
|
|
But, oh, what a bastard to clean!
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a man from Sandem
|
|
Who was making his girl on a tandem.
|
|
At the peak of the make
|
|
She jammed on the brake
|
|
And scattered his semen at random.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a man from Sydney
|
|
Who could put it up to her kidney.
|
|
But the man from Quebec
|
|
Put it up to her neck;
|
|
He had a big one, now didn't he?
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a man named Lodge,
|
|
who had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
|
|
When his date was strapped in,
|
|
He committed a sin,
|
|
without ever leaving the garage.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a man named McGruder,
|
|
Who canoed with a girl in Bermuder.
|
|
But the girl thought it crude,
|
|
To be wooed in the nude,
|
|
So McGru took an oar and subduder.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a man named McSweeny
|
|
Who spilled lots of gin on his weeney
|
|
So just to be couth
|
|
He added vermouth
|
|
And slipped his best girl a martini.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a man named McSweeny
|
|
Who spilled some raw gin on his weeny.
|
|
Just to be couth,
|
|
He added vermouth,
|
|
And slipped his girlfriend a martini.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a man named Parridge
|
|
With peculiar views on marriage.
|
|
He sucked off his brother,
|
|
Fucked his own mother,
|
|
And gobbled his sister's miscarriage.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a man with a hernia
|
|
Who said to his doctor, "Gol dern ya,
|
|
When you work on my middle
|
|
Be sure you don't fiddle
|
|
With things that do not concern ya."
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a member of Mensa
|
|
Who was a most excellent fencer.
|
|
The sword that he used
|
|
Was his -- (line is refused,
|
|
And has now been removed by the censor).
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a miner named Dave,
|
|
Who kept a dead whore in his cave.
|
|
She was ugly as shit,
|
|
And missing one tit,
|
|
But think of the money he saves.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a monk of Camyre
|
|
Who was seized with a carnal desire
|
|
And the primary cause
|
|
Was the abbess's drawers
|
|
Which were hung up to dry by the fire.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a newspaper vendor,
|
|
A person of dubious gender.
|
|
He would charge one-and-two
|
|
For permission to view
|
|
His remarkable double pudenda.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a plumber from Leigh
|
|
Who was plumbing his maid by the sea.
|
|
Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
|
|
I think someone's coming!"
|
|
Said he, "Yes, I know love, it's me."
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a pretty young Mrs.
|
|
Whose tearful but short story thrs.
|
|
Her mind lost its grasp -
|
|
Now she thinks she's an asp
|
|
And just sits in the corner and hrs.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a queen of Bulgaria
|
|
Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
|
|
Till a prince from Peru
|
|
Who came up for a screw
|
|
Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a reverend at Kings
|
|
Whose mind 'twas on heavenly things.
|
|
But his heart was on fire
|
|
For a boy in the choir
|
|
Whose buns were like jelly on springs.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a sad Maitre d'hotel
|
|
Who said, "They can all go to hell!
|
|
What they do to my wife --
|
|
Why it ruins my life;
|
|
And the worst is they all do it well."
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a sailor named Gasted,
|
|
A swell guy, as long as he lasted,
|
|
He could jerk himself off
|
|
In a basket, aloft,
|
|
Or a breeches-buoy swung from the masthead.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a Scot named McAmeter
|
|
With a tool of prodigious diameter.
|
|
It was not the size
|
|
That cause such surprise;
|
|
'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a son-of-a-bitch,
|
|
Neither clever, nor handsome, nor rich,
|
|
Yet the girls he would dazzle,
|
|
And fuck to a frazzle,
|
|
And then ditch them, the son-of-a-bitch!
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a spaceman named Spock
|
|
Who had a huge Vulcanized cock.
|
|
A girl from Missouri
|
|
Whose name was Uhura
|
|
Just fainted away from the shock.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a Swede in Minneapolis,
|
|
Discovered his sex life was hapless:
|
|
The more he would screw
|
|
The more he'd want to,
|
|
And he feared he would soon be quite sapless.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a Usenetter named Mark,
|
|
Whose gender was kept in the dark.
|
|
He/she/it said with a nod,
|
|
"My ancestors were odd!"
|
|
Did Noah need two for the ark?
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a whore from Regina
|
|
Who had a stupendous vagina.
|
|
To save herself time,
|
|
She had six at a time,
|
|
And another one working behind her.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a woman from Arden
|
|
Who sucked off a man in a garden.
|
|
He said, "My dear Flo,
|
|
Where does all that stuff go?"
|
|
And she said, "[Swallow hard] I beg pardon?"
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a yokel of Beaconsfield
|
|
Engaged to look after the deacon's field,
|
|
But he lurked in the ditches
|
|
And diddled the bitches
|
|
Who happened to cross that antique 'un's field.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a young fellow named Blaine,
|
|
And he screwed some disgusting old jane.
|
|
She was ugly and smelly,
|
|
With an awful pot-belly,
|
|
But... well, they were caught in the rain.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a young girl from Natches
|
|
Who chanced to be born with two snatches
|
|
She often said, "Shit!
|
|
I'd give either tit
|
|
For a guy with equipment that matches."
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a young man from Boston
|
|
Who drove around town in an Austin,
|
|
There was room for his ass,
|
|
And a gallon of gas,
|
|
So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a young man from France
|
|
Who waited ten years for his chance;
|
|
Then he muffed it...
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a young man from Yuma
|
|
Who attempted sex with a puma
|
|
He gave up real quick
|
|
Minus nose, toes, and prick
|
|
In obvious pain and ill huma.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a young man from Yuma,
|
|
Who told an elephant joke to a puma.
|
|
Now his dry bleached bones lie,
|
|
Under hot Asian skies,
|
|
'Cause the puma had no sense of huma.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a young man named Clyde
|
|
Who fell in an outhouse, and died.
|
|
He had a twin brother
|
|
Who fell in another
|
|
And now they're interred side by side.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a young man named Gene,
|
|
Who invented a screwing machine.
|
|
Concave and convex,
|
|
It served either sex,
|
|
And it played with itself inbetween.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a young man named Lancelot
|
|
Whom the townsfolk would look at askance a lot
|
|
For when he should pass
|
|
A desirable lass
|
|
The front of his pants would advance a lot.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was an Arpanet freak,
|
|
Who better response-time did seek.
|
|
He searched coast to coast,
|
|
For a reliable host,
|
|
Whose logger took less than a week.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was an old man from Esser,
|
|
Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
|
|
It at last grew so small,
|
|
He knew nothing at all,
|
|
And now he's a College Professor.
|
|
%
|
|
There once were two brothers named Luntz
|
|
Who buggered each other at once.
|
|
When asked to account
|
|
For this intricate mount,
|
|
They said, "Ass-holes are tighter than cunts."
|
|
%
|
|
There once were two women from Birmingham.
|
|
And this is the story concerning 'em.
|
|
They lifted the frock
|
|
And fondled the cock
|
|
Of the bishop as he was confirming 'em.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a bluestocking in Florence
|
|
Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
|
|
Till a Spanish grandee,
|
|
Got her off with his knee,
|
|
And she burned all her works with abhorrence.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a family named Doe,
|
|
An ideal family to know.
|
|
As father screwed mother,
|
|
She said, "You're heavier than brother."
|
|
And he said, "Yes, Sis told me so!"
|
|
%
|
|
There was a fat lady of China
|
|
Who'd a really enormous vagina,
|
|
And when she was dead
|
|
They painted it red,
|
|
And used it for docking a liner.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a fat man from Rangoon
|
|
Whose prick was much like a ballon.
|
|
He tried hard to ride her
|
|
And when finally inside her
|
|
She thought she was pregnant too soon.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a gay countess of Bray,
|
|
And you may think it odd when I say,
|
|
That in spite of high station,
|
|
Rank and education,
|
|
She always spelled cunt with a 'k'.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a gay dog from Ontario
|
|
Who fancied himself a Lothario.
|
|
At a wench's glance
|
|
He'd snatch off his pants
|
|
And make for her Mons Venerio.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a gay parson of Norton
|
|
Whose prick, although thick, was a short 'un.
|
|
To make up for this loss,
|
|
He had balls like a horse,
|
|
And never spent less than a quartern.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a gay parson of Tooting
|
|
Whose roe he was frequently shooting,
|
|
Till he married a lass
|
|
With a face like my arse,
|
|
And a cunt you could put a top-boot in.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a girl from Aberystwyth
|
|
Who brought grain to the mill to get grist with.
|
|
The miller's son Jack
|
|
Laid her flat on her back
|
|
And united the organs they pissed with.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a lewd fellow named Duff
|
|
Who loved to dive deep in the muff.
|
|
With his head in a whirl
|
|
He said, "Spread it, Pearl;
|
|
I cunt get enough of the stuff!"
|
|
%
|
|
There was a man from Mich.
|
|
Who used to wish and wich.
|
|
That spring would come
|
|
So he could bum
|
|
Around and go out fich.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a pianist named Liszt
|
|
Who played with one hand while he pissed,
|
|
But as he grew older
|
|
His technique grew bolder,
|
|
And in concert jacked off with his fist.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a poor parson from Goring,
|
|
Who made a small hole in his flooring,
|
|
Fur-lined it all round,
|
|
Then laid on the ground,
|
|
And declared it was cheaper than whoring.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a strong man of Drumrig
|
|
Who one day did seven times frig.
|
|
He buggered three sailors,
|
|
Four dogs and two tailors,
|
|
And ended by fucking a pig.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a teenager named Donna
|
|
Who never said, "No, I don't wanna."
|
|
Two days out of three
|
|
She would shoot LSD,
|
|
And on weekends she smoked marijuana.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young belle of old Natchez
|
|
Whose garments were always in patchez.
|
|
When comment arose
|
|
On the state of her clothes
|
|
She, drawled, "When ah itchez, ah scratchez."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young blade from South Greece
|
|
Whose bush did so greatly increase
|
|
That before he could shack
|
|
He must hunt needle in stack.
|
|
'Twas as bad as being obese.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young bride, a Canuck,
|
|
Told her husband, "Let's do more than suck.
|
|
You say that I, maybe,
|
|
Can have my first baby--
|
|
Let's give up this Frenchin' and fuck!"
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young bride of Antigua
|
|
Whose husband said, "Dear me, how big you are!"
|
|
Said the girl, "What damn'd rot!
|
|
Why, you've only felt my twot,
|
|
My legs and my arse and my figua!"
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young chap in Arabia
|
|
Who courted a widow named Fabia.
|
|
"Yes, my tongue is as long
|
|
As the average man's dong,"
|
|
He said, licking the lips of her labia.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young cook with the art
|
|
Of making a delicious tart
|
|
With a handful of shit,
|
|
Some snot and some spit,
|
|
And he'd flavor the whole with a fart.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young curate whose brain
|
|
Was deranged from the use of cocaine;
|
|
He lured a small child
|
|
To a copse dark and wild,
|
|
Where he beat it to death with his cane.
|
|
-- Edward Gorey
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young damsel named Baker
|
|
Who was poked in a pew by a Quaker.
|
|
He yelled, "My God! what
|
|
Do you call this -- a twat?
|
|
Why, the entrance is more than an acre!"
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young dolly named Molly
|
|
Who thought that to frig was a folly.
|
|
Said she, "Your pee-pee
|
|
Means nothing to me,
|
|
But I'll do it just to be jolly."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young fellow called Clyde
|
|
Who fell in an outhouse and died.
|
|
He had a twin brother
|
|
Who fell in another
|
|
So now they're interred side by side.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young fellow from Cal.,
|
|
In bed with a passionate gal.
|
|
He leapt from the bed,
|
|
To the toilet he sped;
|
|
Said the gal, "What about me, old pal?"
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young fellow from Florida
|
|
Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her.
|
|
When they got into bed
|
|
He cried, "God strike me dead!
|
|
This ain't a cunt -- it's a corridor!"
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young fellow from Kent
|
|
Whose cock was so long that it bent
|
|
To save himself trouble
|
|
He put it in double
|
|
And instead of coming, he went.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young fellow from Leeds
|
|
Who swallowed a package of seeds.
|
|
Great tufts of grass
|
|
Sprouted out of his ass
|
|
And his balls were all covered with weeds.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young fellow from Parma
|
|
Who was solemnly screwing his charmer.
|
|
Said the damsel demure,
|
|
"You'll excuse me, I'm sure,
|
|
But I must say you fuck like a farmer."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young fellow name Tucker
|
|
Who, instructing a novice cock-sucker,
|
|
Said, "Don't bow out your lips
|
|
Like an elephant's hips,
|
|
The boys like it best when they pucker."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young fellow named Ades
|
|
Whose favorite fruit was young maids.
|
|
But sheep, nigger boys, whores,
|
|
And the knot holes in doors
|
|
Were by no means exempt from his raids.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young fellow named Babbitt
|
|
Who could screw nine times like a rabbit,
|
|
But a girl from Johore
|
|
Could do it twice more,
|
|
Which was just enough extra to crab it.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young fellow named Bill,
|
|
Who took an atomic pill,
|
|
His navel corroded,
|
|
His asshole exploded,
|
|
And they found his nuts in Brazil.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young fellow named Blaine,
|
|
And he screwed some disgusting old jane.
|
|
She was ugly and smelly
|
|
With an awful pot-belly,
|
|
But... well, they were caught in the rain.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young fellow named Bliss
|
|
Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
|
|
For even with Venus
|
|
His recalcitrant penis
|
|
Would never do better than t
|
|
h
|
|
i
|
|
s
|
|
.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young fellow named Bowen
|
|
Whose pecker kept growin' and growin'.
|
|
It grew so tremendous,
|
|
So long and so pendulous,
|
|
'Twas no good for fuckin' -- just showin'.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young fellow named Brewer
|
|
Whose girl made her home in a sewer.
|
|
Thus he, the poor soul,
|
|
Could get into her hole,
|
|
And still not be able to screw her!
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young fellow named Case
|
|
Who entered a cunt-lapping race.
|
|
He licked his way clean
|
|
Through Number thirteen,
|
|
But then slipped and got pissed in the face.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young fellow named Charteris
|
|
Put his hand where his young lady's garter is.
|
|
Said she, "I don't mind,
|
|
And higher up you'll find
|
|
The place where my fucker and farter is."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young fellow named Cribbs
|
|
Whose cock was so big it had ribs.
|
|
They were inches apart,
|
|
And to suck it took art,
|
|
While to fuck it took forty-two trips.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young fellow named dick
|
|
Who had a magnificent prick.
|
|
It was shaped like a prism
|
|
And shot so much gism
|
|
It made every cocksucker sick.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young fellow named Feeney
|
|
Whose girl was a terrible meany.
|
|
The hatch of her snatch
|
|
Had a catch that would latch
|
|
- She could only be screwed by Houdini.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young fellow named Fletcher,
|
|
Was reputed an infamous lecher.
|
|
When he'd take on a whore
|
|
She'd need a rebore,
|
|
And they'd carry him out on a stretcher.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young fellow named Fyfe
|
|
Whose marriage was ruined for life,
|
|
For he had an aversion
|
|
To every perversion,
|
|
And only liked fucking his wife.
|
|
|
|
Well, one year the poor woman struck,
|
|
And she wept, and she cursed at her luck,
|
|
And said, "Where have you gotten us
|
|
With your goddamn monotonous
|
|
Fuck after fuck after fuck?
|
|
|
|
"I once knew a harlot named Lou --
|
|
And a versatile girl she was, too.
|
|
After ten years of whoredom
|
|
She perished of boredom
|
|
When she married a jackass like you!"
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young fellow named Gene
|
|
Who first picked his asshole quite clean.
|
|
He next picked his toes,
|
|
And lastly his nose,
|
|
And he never did wash in between.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young fellow named Gluck
|
|
Who found himself shit out of luck.
|
|
Though he petted and wooed,
|
|
When he tried to get screwed
|
|
He found virgins just don't give a fuck.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young fellow named Goody
|
|
Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he?
|
|
If he found himself nude
|
|
With a gal in the mood
|
|
The question's not woody but could he?
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young fellow named Grant
|
|
Who was made like the sensitive plant.
|
|
When they asked "Do you fuck?"
|
|
He replied, "No such luck.
|
|
I would if I could, but I can't."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young fellow named Grimes
|
|
Who fucked his girl seventeen times
|
|
In the course of a week --
|
|
And this isn't to speak
|
|
Of assorted venereal crimes.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young fellow named Harry,
|
|
Had a joint that was long, huge and scary.
|
|
He grabbed him a virgin,
|
|
Who, without any urgin',
|
|
Immediately spread like a fairy.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young fellow named Hatch
|
|
Who was fond of the music of Bach.
|
|
He said: "It's not fussy
|
|
Like Brahms and Debussy;
|
|
Sit down, and I'll play you a snatch."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young fellow named Kimble
|
|
Whose prick was exceedingly nimble,
|
|
But fragile and slender,
|
|
And dainty and tender,
|
|
So he kept it encased in a thimble.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young fellow named Meek
|
|
Who invented a lingual technique.
|
|
It drove women frantic,
|
|
And made them romantic,
|
|
And wore all the hair off his cheek.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young fellow named Morgan
|
|
Who possessed an unusual organ:
|
|
The end of his dong,
|
|
Which was nine inches long,
|
|
Was tipped with the head of a gorgon.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young fellow named Paul
|
|
Who confessed, "I have only one ball.
|
|
But the size of my prick
|
|
Is God's dirtiest trick,
|
|
For my girls always ask, 'Is that all?'"
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young fellow named Pell
|
|
Who didn't like cunt very well.
|
|
He would finger or fuck one,
|
|
But never would suck one--
|
|
He just couldn't get used to the smell.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young fellow named Price
|
|
Who dabbled in all sorts of vice.
|
|
He had virgins and boys
|
|
And mechanical toys,
|
|
And on Mondays... he meddled with mice!
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young fellow named Prynne
|
|
Whose prick was so short and so thin,
|
|
His wife found she needed
|
|
A Fuckoscope -- she did --
|
|
To see if he'd gotten it in.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young fellow named Skinner
|
|
Who took a young lady to dinner
|
|
At a quarter to nine,
|
|
They sat down to dine,
|
|
At twenty to ten it was in her.
|
|
The dinner, not Skinner -- Skinner was in her before dinner.
|
|
|
|
There was a young fellow named Tupper
|
|
Who took a young lady to supper.
|
|
At a quarter to nine,
|
|
They sat down to dine,
|
|
And at twenty to ten it was up her.
|
|
Not the supper -- not Tupper -- It was some son-of-a-bitch named Skinner!
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young fellow named Sweeney,
|
|
Whose girl was a terrible meanie,
|
|
The hatch of her snatch,
|
|
Had a catch that would latch,
|
|
She could only be screwed by Houdini.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young fellow of Burma
|
|
Whose betrothed had good reason to murmur.
|
|
But now that he's married he's
|
|
Been using cantharides
|
|
And the root of their love is much firmer.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young fellow of Greenwich
|
|
Whose balls were all covered with spinach.
|
|
He had such a tool
|
|
It was wound on a spool,
|
|
And he reeled it out inich by inich.
|
|
|
|
But this tale has an unhappy finich,
|
|
For due to the sand in the spinach
|
|
His ballocks grew rough
|
|
And wrecked his wife's muff,
|
|
And scratched up her thatch in the scrimmage.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young fellow of Harrow
|
|
Whose john was the size of a marrow.
|
|
He said to his tart,
|
|
"How's this for a start?
|
|
My balls are outside in a barrow."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young fellow of Kent
|
|
Whose prick was so long that it bent,
|
|
So to save himself trouble
|
|
He put it in double,
|
|
And instead of coming he went.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young fellow of Mayence
|
|
Who fucked his own arse in defiance
|
|
Not only of custom
|
|
And morals, dad-bust him,
|
|
But of most of the known laws of science.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young fellow of Perth
|
|
Whose balls were the finest on earth.
|
|
They grew to such size
|
|
That one won a prize,
|
|
And goodness knows what they were worth.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young fellow of Strensall
|
|
Whose prick was as sharp as a pencil.
|
|
On the night of his wedding
|
|
It went through the bedding,
|
|
And shattered the chamber utensil.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young fellow of Warwick
|
|
Who had reason for feeling euphoric,
|
|
For he could by election
|
|
Have triune erection:
|
|
Ionic, Corinthian, and Doric.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young fellow whose dong
|
|
Was prodigiously massive and long.
|
|
On each side of his whang
|
|
Two testes did hang
|
|
That attracted a curious throng.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young gaucho named Bruno
|
|
Who said, "Screwing is one thing I do know.
|
|
A woman is fine,
|
|
And a sheep is divine,
|
|
But a llama is Numero Uno."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young gaucho named Bruno
|
|
Who said, "There is one thing I do know,
|
|
Women are fine
|
|
And children devine,
|
|
But the llama is numero uno."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young German named Ringer
|
|
Who was screwing an opera singer.
|
|
Said he with a grin,
|
|
"Well, I've sure got it in!"
|
|
Said she, "You mean that ain't your finger?"
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young girl from Annista
|
|
Who dated a lecherous mister.
|
|
He fondled her titty,
|
|
Got one finger shitty,
|
|
Then screwed up his courage and kissed 'er.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young girl from Decatur
|
|
Who was raped by an alligator.
|
|
But no one quite knew
|
|
How she relished that screw,
|
|
For after he screwed her, he ate her.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young girl from Dundee,
|
|
From her fanny there grew a plum tree.
|
|
No one ate the nice fruit,
|
|
To tell you the truth,
|
|
Because they knew it came from her tooty-toot-toot.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young girl from East Lynn
|
|
Whose mother ( to save her from sin )
|
|
Had filled up her crack
|
|
With hard-setting shellac,
|
|
But the boys picked it out with a pin.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young girl from Hong Kong
|
|
Who said, "You are utterly wrong
|
|
To say my vagina
|
|
Is the largest in China
|
|
Just because of your mean little dong."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young girl from Hong Kong
|
|
Whose cervical cap was a gong.
|
|
She said with a yell,
|
|
As a shot rang her bell,
|
|
"I'll give you a ding for a dong!"
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young girl from Medina
|
|
Who could completely control her vagina.
|
|
She could twist it around
|
|
Like the cunts that are found
|
|
In Japan, Manchukuo and China.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young girl from New York
|
|
Who plugged up her cunt with a cork.
|
|
A woodpecker or two
|
|
Made the grade it is true,
|
|
But it totally baffled the stork.
|
|
|
|
Till along came a man who presented
|
|
A tool that was strangely indented.
|
|
With a dizzying twirl
|
|
He punctured that girl,
|
|
And thus was the cork-screw invented.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young girl from New York
|
|
Who plugged up her quim with a cork
|
|
A woodpecker or two
|
|
Made the grade, it is true,
|
|
But it totally baffled the stork.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young girl from Peru,
|
|
Who had nothing whatever to do.
|
|
So she sat on the stairs,
|
|
And counted cunt hairs,
|
|
Four thousand, three hundred and two.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young girl from Peru,
|
|
Who noticed her lovers were few;
|
|
So she walked out her door
|
|
With a fig leaf, no more,
|
|
And now she's in bed - with the flu.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young girl from Samoa
|
|
Who pledged that no man would know her.
|
|
One young fellow tried,
|
|
But she wriggled aside,
|
|
And he spilled all his spermatozoa.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young girl from Seattle,
|
|
Whose hobby was sucking off cattle.
|
|
But a bull from the South
|
|
Shot a wad in her mouth
|
|
That made both her ovaries rattle.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young girl from Siam
|
|
Who said to her boyfriend Priam,
|
|
"To seduce me, of course,
|
|
You'll have to use force,
|
|
And thank goodness you're stronger than I am.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young girl from St. Cyr
|
|
Whose reflex reactions were queer.
|
|
Her escort said, "Mable,
|
|
Get up off the table;
|
|
That money's to pay for the beer."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young girl from St. Paul
|
|
Who went to a newspaper ball.
|
|
Her dress caught on fire
|
|
And burnt her entire
|
|
Front page and sport section and all.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young girl from the Bronix
|
|
Who had a vagina of onyx.
|
|
She had so much `tsoris'
|
|
With her clitoris,
|
|
She traded it in for a Packard.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young girl from the coast
|
|
Who, just when she needed it most,
|
|
Lost her Kotex and bled
|
|
All over the bed,
|
|
And the head and the beard of her host.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young girl in Berlin
|
|
Who eked out a living through sin.
|
|
She didn't mind fucking,
|
|
But much preferred sucking,
|
|
And she'd wipe off the pricks on her chin.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young girl in Berlin
|
|
Who was fucked by an elderly Finn.
|
|
Though he diddled his best,
|
|
And fucked her with zest,
|
|
She kept asking, "Hey, Pop, is it in?"
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young girl in Dakota
|
|
Had a letter from Ickes; he wrote her:
|
|
"In addition to gas
|
|
We are rationing ass,
|
|
And you've greatly exceeded your quota."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young girl name McKnight
|
|
Who got drunk with her boy-friend one night.
|
|
She came to in bed,
|
|
With a split maidenhead--
|
|
That's the last time she ever was tight.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young girl named Ann Heuser
|
|
Who swore that no man could surprise her.
|
|
But Pabst took a chance,
|
|
Found a Schlitz in her pants,
|
|
And now she is sadder Budweiser.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young girl named Heather
|
|
Whose twitcher was made out of leather.
|
|
She made a queer noise,
|
|
Which attracted the boys,
|
|
By flapping the edges together.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young girl named McCall
|
|
Whose cunt was exceedingly small,
|
|
But the size of her anus
|
|
Was something quite heinous --
|
|
It could hold seven pricks and one ball.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young girl named O'Clare
|
|
Whose body was covered with hair.
|
|
It was really quite fun
|
|
To probe with one's gun,
|
|
For her quimmy might be anywhere.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young girl named O'Malley
|
|
Who wanted to dance in the ballet.
|
|
She got roars of applause
|
|
When she kicked off her drawers,
|
|
But her hair and her bush didn't tally.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young girl named Saphire
|
|
Who succumbed to her lovers desire.
|
|
She said, "It's a sin,
|
|
But now that it's in,
|
|
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young girl named Sapphire
|
|
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
|
|
She said, "It's a sin,
|
|
But now that it's in,
|
|
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young girl of Aberystwyth
|
|
Who screwed every man that she kissed with.
|
|
She tickled the balls
|
|
Of the men in the halls,
|
|
And pulled on the prongs that they pissed with.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young girl of Aberystwyth
|
|
Who took grain to the mill to get grist with.
|
|
The miller's sun, Jack,
|
|
Laid her flat on her back,
|
|
And united the organs they pissed with.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young girl of Angina
|
|
Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
|
|
From the love-making frock
|
|
(With the proper sized cock)
|
|
Came Toccata and Fugue in D minor.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young girl of Asturias
|
|
With a penchant for practices curious.
|
|
She loved to bat rocks
|
|
With her gentlemen's cocks --
|
|
A practice both rude and injurious.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young girl of Batonger
|
|
who diddled herself with a conger,
|
|
When asked how it feels
|
|
To be pleasured by eels
|
|
She said, "Just like a man, only longer.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young girl of Cah'lina,
|
|
Had a very capricious vagina:
|
|
To the shock of the fucker
|
|
"Twould suddenly pucker,
|
|
And whistle the chorus of "Dinah."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young girl of Cape Cod
|
|
Who dreamt she'd been buggered by God.
|
|
But it wasn't Jehovah
|
|
That turned the girl over,
|
|
'Twas Roger the lodger, the dirty old codger,
|
|
the bugger, the bastard, the sod!
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young girl of Cape Town
|
|
Who usually fucked with a clown.
|
|
He taught her the trick
|
|
Of sucking his prick,
|
|
And when it went up -- she went down.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young girl of Coxsaxie
|
|
Whose skirt was more mini than maxi.
|
|
She was fucked at the show
|
|
In the twenty-third row,
|
|
And once more going home in the taxi.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young girl of Darjeeling
|
|
Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
|
|
There was never a sound
|
|
For miles around
|
|
Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young girl of Des Moines
|
|
Whose cunt could be fitted with coins,
|
|
Till a guy from Hoboken
|
|
Went and dropped in a token,
|
|
And now she rides free on the ferry.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young girl of Detroit
|
|
Who at fucking was very adroit:
|
|
She could squeeze her vagina
|
|
To a pin-point, or finer,
|
|
Or open it out like a quoit.
|
|
|
|
And she had a friend named Durand
|
|
Whose cock could contract or expand.
|
|
He could diddle a midge
|
|
Or the arch of a bridge --
|
|
Their performance together was grand!
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young girl of East Lynne
|
|
Whose mother, to save her from sin,
|
|
Had filled up her crack,
|
|
To the brim with shellac,
|
|
But the boys picked it out with a pin.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young girl of Gibraltar
|
|
Who was raped as she knelt at the altar.
|
|
It really seems odd
|
|
That a virtuous God
|
|
Should answer her prayers and assault her.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young girl of LLewellyn
|
|
Whose breasts were as big as a melon.
|
|
They were big it is true,
|
|
But her cunt was big too,
|
|
Like a bifocal, full-color, aerial view
|
|
Of Cape Horn and the Straits of Magellan.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young girl of Mobile,
|
|
Who hymen was made of chilled steel,
|
|
To give her a thrill,
|
|
Took a rotary drill,
|
|
Or a number nine emery wheel.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young girl of Moline
|
|
Whose fucking was sweet and obscene.
|
|
She would work on a prick
|
|
With every known trick,
|
|
And finish by winking it clean.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young girl of Newcastle
|
|
Whose charms were declared universal.
|
|
While one man in front
|
|
Wired into her cunt,
|
|
Another was engaged at her arsehole.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young girl of Pawtucket
|
|
Whose box was as big as a bucket.
|
|
Her boy-friend said, "Toots,
|
|
I'll have to wear boots,
|
|
For I see I must muck it, not fuck it."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young girl of Penzance
|
|
Who boarded a bus in a trance.
|
|
The passengers fucked her,
|
|
Likewise the conductor,
|
|
While the driver shot off in his pants.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young girl of Pitlochry
|
|
Who was had by a man in a rockery.
|
|
She said, "Oh! You've come
|
|
All over my bum;
|
|
This isn't a fuck -- it's a mockery."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young girl of Rangoon
|
|
Who was blocked by the Man in the Moon.
|
|
"Well, it has been great fun,"
|
|
She remarked when he'd done,
|
|
"But I'm sorry you came quite so soon."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young girl of Spitzbergen,
|
|
Whose people all thought her a virgin,
|
|
Till they found her in bed
|
|
With her twat very red,
|
|
And the head of a kid just emergin'.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young girl, very sweet,
|
|
Who thought sailors' meat quite a treat.
|
|
When she sat on their lap
|
|
She unbuttoned their flap,
|
|
And always had plenty to eat.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young girl who begat
|
|
Three babies named Nat, Pat and Tat.
|
|
T'was fun in the breeding
|
|
But hell in the feeding
|
|
When she found there's no tit for Tat.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young girl who begat
|
|
Three brats, by name Nat, Pat, and Tat.
|
|
It was fun in the breeding,
|
|
But hell in the feeding,
|
|
When she found there was no tit for Tat.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young harlot from Kew
|
|
Who filled her vagina with glue.
|
|
She said with a grin,
|
|
"If they pay to get in,
|
|
They'll pay to get out of it too."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young harlot named Schwartz
|
|
Whose cock-pit was studded with warts,
|
|
And they tickled so nice
|
|
She drew a high price
|
|
From the studs at the summer resorts.
|
|
|
|
Her pimp, a young fellow named Biddle,
|
|
Was seldom hard up for a diddle,
|
|
For according to rumor
|
|
His tool had a tumor
|
|
And a fine row of warts down the middle.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young hayseed from Tiffan
|
|
Whose cock would constantly stiffen.
|
|
The knob out in front
|
|
Attracted foul cunt
|
|
Which he greatly delighted in sniffin'.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young idler named Blood,
|
|
Made a fortune performing at stud,
|
|
With a fifteen-inch peter,
|
|
A double-beat metre,
|
|
And a load like the Biblical Flood.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young Jew of Far Rockaway
|
|
Whose screams could be heard for a block away.
|
|
Perceiving his error,
|
|
The Rabbi in terror
|
|
Cried, "God! I have cut his whole cock away!"
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lad - name of Durcan
|
|
Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
|
|
His father said, "Durcan
|
|
Stop jerkin' your gherkin
|
|
Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lad from Nahant
|
|
Who was made like the Sensitve Plant.
|
|
When asked, "Do you fuck?"
|
|
He replied, "No such luck.
|
|
I would if I could but I can't."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lad from Siam,
|
|
Whose sexlife was caught in a jam.
|
|
He loved them real small,
|
|
'Cause they're funner to ball,
|
|
So he went out and bought him a lamb!
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lad name of Durcan
|
|
Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
|
|
His father said, "Durcan!
|
|
Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
|
|
Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lad name of Ward
|
|
Who strung himself up with a cord
|
|
Said he, of his work
|
|
(Ere the rope snapped with a jerk)
|
|
"I am leaving because I am bored."
|
|
- E.A. Guest
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lad named McFee
|
|
Who was stung in the balls by a bee
|
|
He made oodles of money
|
|
By oozing pure honey
|
|
Every time he attempted to pee.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady at sea
|
|
Who complained that it hurt her to pee.
|
|
Said the brawny old mate,
|
|
"That accounts for the state
|
|
Of the cook and the captain and me."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady at sea
|
|
Who said, "God, how it hurts me to pee."
|
|
"I see," said the mate,
|
|
"That accounts for the state
|
|
Of the captain, the purser, and me."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady called Ciss
|
|
Who went to the river to piss.
|
|
A young man in a punt
|
|
Put his hand on her cunt;
|
|
No wonder she thought it was bliss.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady from Bangor
|
|
Who slept while the ship lay at anchor
|
|
She woke in dismay
|
|
When she heard the mate say:
|
|
"Let's lift up the topsheet and spanker!"
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady from Bright,
|
|
Whose speed was much faster than light.
|
|
She went out one day
|
|
In a relative way
|
|
And returned on the previous night.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady from Bristol
|
|
Who went to the Palace called Crystal.
|
|
Said she, "It's all glass,
|
|
And as round as my ass,"
|
|
And she farted as loud as a pistol.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady from Brussels
|
|
Who was proud of her vaginal muscles.
|
|
She could easily plex them
|
|
And so interflex them
|
|
As to whistle love songs through her bustles.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady from Drew
|
|
Who ended her verse at line two.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady from Dumfries
|
|
Who said to her boyfriend, "It's some freeze!
|
|
My navel's all bare,
|
|
So stick it in there,
|
|
Before both my legs and my bum freeze."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady from Exeter,
|
|
So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
|
|
One was even so brave
|
|
As to take out and wave
|
|
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady from Hyde
|
|
Who ate a green apple and died.
|
|
While her lover lamented
|
|
The apple fermented
|
|
And made cider inside her inside.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady from Maine
|
|
Who claimed she had men on her brain.
|
|
But you knew from the view,
|
|
As her abdomen grew,
|
|
It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady from Munich
|
|
Who had an affair with a eunuch.
|
|
At the height of their passion
|
|
He dealt her a ration
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady from Munich
|
|
Who had an affair with a eunuch.
|
|
At the height of their passion
|
|
He dealt her a ration
|
|
From a squirt gun concealed in his tunic.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady from Norway
|
|
Who hung by her heels in a doorway.
|
|
She told her young man,
|
|
"Get off the divan,
|
|
I think I've discovered one more way "
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady from Prentice
|
|
Who had an affair with a dentist.
|
|
To make things easier
|
|
He used anesthesia,
|
|
And diddled her, `non compos mentis'.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady from Rheims
|
|
Who amazingly pissed in four streams.
|
|
A friend poked around
|
|
And a fly-button found
|
|
Lodged tight in her hole so it seems.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady from Rio
|
|
Who slept with the Fornier trio.
|
|
As she dropped her panties
|
|
She said, "No andanties
|
|
I want this allegro con brio."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady from Siam
|
|
Who said to her lover, one Kiam,
|
|
"You may kiss me of course,
|
|
But you'll have to use force.
|
|
Though god knows you're stronger than I am."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady from Spain
|
|
Who demurely undressed on a train.
|
|
A helpful young porter
|
|
Helped more than he orter,
|
|
And she promptly cried "Help me again"
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady from Spain
|
|
Who got sick as she rode on a train;
|
|
Not once, but again,
|
|
And again, and again,
|
|
And again, and again, and again.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady from Spain
|
|
Whose face was exceedingly plain,
|
|
But her cunt had a pucker
|
|
That made the men fuck her,
|
|
Again, and again, and again.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady from Troy
|
|
Had a moustache, just like a young boy
|
|
Though it tickled to kiss
|
|
'Twas a source of much bliss
|
|
When she used it to brush a man's toy.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady from Wheeling
|
|
Who claimed to lack sexual feeling.
|
|
But a cynic named Boris
|
|
Just touched her clitoris
|
|
And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady from Wheeling
|
|
Who had a peculiar feeling.
|
|
She laid on her back
|
|
And tickled her crack
|
|
And pissed all over the ceiling.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady from Wooster
|
|
Who complained that too many men gooster.
|
|
So she traded her scanties
|
|
For sandpaper panties,
|
|
Now they goose her much less than they used 'ter.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady in Reno,
|
|
Who lost all her dough playing Keno.
|
|
But she lay on her back,
|
|
And opened her crack,
|
|
So now she owns the Casino!
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady named Alice
|
|
Who was known to have peed in a chalice.
|
|
'Twas the common belief
|
|
It was done for relief,
|
|
And not out of protestant malice.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady named Astor
|
|
Who never let any get past her.
|
|
She finally got plenty
|
|
By stopping twenty,
|
|
Which certainly ought to last her.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady named Banker,
|
|
Who slept while the ship lay at anchor,
|
|
She woke in dismay,
|
|
When she heard the mate say,
|
|
"Now hoist up the topsheet and spanker."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady named Blount
|
|
Who had a rectangular cunt.
|
|
She learned for diversion
|
|
Posterior perversion,
|
|
Since no one could fit here in front.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady named Bower
|
|
Who dwelt in an Ivory Tower.
|
|
But a poet from Perth
|
|
Laid her flat on the earth,
|
|
And proceeded with penis to plough her.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady named Brent
|
|
With a cunt of enormous extent,
|
|
And so deep and so wide,
|
|
The acoustics inside
|
|
Were so good you could hear when you spent.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady named Bright
|
|
Who could travel much faster than light.
|
|
She took off one day,
|
|
In a relative way,
|
|
And returned on the previous night.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady named Brook
|
|
Who never could learn how to cook.
|
|
But on a divan
|
|
She could please any man-
|
|
She knew every darn trick in the book!
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady named Cager
|
|
Who, as the result of a wager,
|
|
Consented to fart
|
|
The entire oboe part
|
|
Of Mozart's quartet in F major.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady named Ciss
|
|
Who said, "I think skating's a bliss "
|
|
But she'll never restate,
|
|
For a wheel off her skate
|
|
.siht ekil gnihtemos pu hsinif reh edaM
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady named Clair
|
|
Who possessed a magnificent pair;
|
|
At least so I thought
|
|
Till I saw one get caught
|
|
On a thorn, and begin losing air.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady named Dot
|
|
Whose cunt was so terribly hot
|
|
That ten bishops of Rome
|
|
And the Pope's private gnome
|
|
Failed to quench her Vesuvial twat.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady named Duff
|
|
With a lovely, luxuriant muff.
|
|
In his haste to get in her
|
|
One eager beginner
|
|
Lost both of his balls in the rough.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady named Etta
|
|
Who was constantly seen in a swetta.
|
|
Three reasons she had:
|
|
To keep warm wasn't bad,
|
|
But the other two reasons were betta.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady named Fleager
|
|
Who was terribly, terribly eager
|
|
To be all the rage
|
|
On the tragedy stage,
|
|
Though her talents were pitifully meagre.
|
|
-- Edward Gorey
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady named Flo
|
|
Whose lover had pulled out too slow.
|
|
So they tried it all night,
|
|
Till he got it just right...
|
|
Well, practice makes pregnant, you know.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady named Flynn
|
|
Who thought fornication a sin,
|
|
But when she was tight
|
|
It seemed quite all right,
|
|
So everyone filled her with gin.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady named Gilda
|
|
Who went on a date with a builder.
|
|
He said that he would,
|
|
And he could and he should,
|
|
And he did and it damn well near killed her.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady named Gloria
|
|
Who was had by Sir Gerald Du Maurier,
|
|
And then by six men,
|
|
Sir Gerald again,
|
|
And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady named Gloria,
|
|
Whose boyfriend said, "May I explore ya?"
|
|
She replied to the chap,
|
|
"I'll draw you a map,
|
|
Of where others have been to before ya."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady named Grace
|
|
Who would not take a prick in her "place."
|
|
Though she'd kiss it and suck it,
|
|
She never would fuck it--
|
|
She just couldn't relax face-to-face.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady named Hall,
|
|
Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
|
|
The dress caught on fire
|
|
And burned her entire
|
|
Front page, sporting section, and all.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady named Hatch
|
|
Who would always come through in a scratch.
|
|
If a guy wouldn't neck her,
|
|
She'd grab up his pecker
|
|
And shove the damn thing up her snatch.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady named Mable
|
|
Who liked to sprawl out on the table,
|
|
Then cry to her man,
|
|
"Stuff in all you can --
|
|
Get your ballocks in, too, if you're able."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady named Mandel
|
|
Who caused quite a neighborhood scandal
|
|
By coming out bare
|
|
On the main village square
|
|
And frigging herself with a candle.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady named Maud,
|
|
A terrible society fraud:
|
|
In company, I'm told,
|
|
She was distant and cold,
|
|
But if you got her alone, Oh God!
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady named May
|
|
Who strolled in a park by the way,
|
|
And she met a youg man
|
|
Who fucked her and ran --
|
|
Now she goes to the park every day.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady named Nance
|
|
Who learned about fucking in France,
|
|
And when you'd insert it
|
|
She'd squeeze till she hurt it,
|
|
And shoved it right back in your pants.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady named Nelly
|
|
Whose tits would jiggle like jelly.
|
|
They could tickle her twat
|
|
Or be tied in a knot,
|
|
And could even swat flies on her belly.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady named Ransom
|
|
Who was raped three times in a hansom
|
|
When she cried out for more
|
|
Said a voice from the floor,
|
|
"My name, ma'am, is Simpson, not Samson
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady named Ransom
|
|
Who was rogered three times in a hansom.
|
|
When she cried out for more
|
|
A voice from the floor
|
|
Replied, "My name is Simpson, not Samson."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady named Riddle
|
|
Who had an untouchable middle.
|
|
She had many friends
|
|
Because of her ends,
|
|
Since it isn't the middle you diddle.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady named Rose
|
|
Who fainted whenever she chose;
|
|
She did so one day
|
|
While playing croquet,
|
|
But was quickly revived with a hose.
|
|
-- Edward Gorey
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady named Rose
|
|
With erogenous zones in her toes.
|
|
She remained onanistic
|
|
Till a foot-fetishistic
|
|
Young man became one of her beaux.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady named Schneider
|
|
Who often kept trysts with a spider.
|
|
She found a strange bliss,
|
|
In the hiss of her piss,
|
|
As it strained through the cobwebs inside her.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady named Smith
|
|
Whose virtue was largely a myth.
|
|
She said, "Try as I can
|
|
I can't find a man
|
|
Who it's fun to be virtuous with."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady named Twiss
|
|
Who said she thought fucking a bliss,
|
|
For it tickled her bum
|
|
And caused her to come
|
|
.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady named Wylde
|
|
Who kept herself quite undefiled
|
|
By thinking of Jesus;
|
|
Contagious diseases;
|
|
And the bother of having a child.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady of Arden,
|
|
The tool of whose swain wouldn't harden.
|
|
Said she with a frown,
|
|
"I've been sadly let down
|
|
By the tool of a fool in a garden."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady of Bicester
|
|
Who was nicer by far than her sister:
|
|
The sister would giggle
|
|
And wiggle and jiggle,
|
|
But this one would come if you kissed her.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady of Brabant
|
|
Who slept with an impotent savant.
|
|
She admitted, "We shouldn't,
|
|
But it turned out he couldn't-
|
|
So you can't say we have when we haven't."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady of Bude
|
|
Who walked down the street in the nude.
|
|
A bobby said, "Whattum
|
|
Magnificent bottom!"
|
|
And slapped it as hard as he could.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady of Carmia
|
|
Whose housekeeping ways would alarm ya.
|
|
At every cold snap
|
|
She would climb in your lab,
|
|
So her little base burner could warm ya.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady of Dee
|
|
Who went down to the river to pee.
|
|
A man in a punt
|
|
Put his hand on her cunt,
|
|
And God! how I wish it were me.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady of Dee
|
|
Whose hymen was split into three.
|
|
And when she was diddled
|
|
The middle string fiddled :
|
|
"Nearer My God To Thee."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady of Dexter
|
|
Whose husband exceedingly vexed her,
|
|
For whenever they'd start
|
|
He'd unfailingly fart
|
|
With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady of Dover
|
|
Whose passion was such that it drove her
|
|
To cry, when you came,
|
|
"Oh dear! What a shame!
|
|
Well, now we shall have to start over."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady of Ealing
|
|
And her lover before her was kneeling.
|
|
Said she, "Dearest Jim,
|
|
Take your hands off my quim;
|
|
I much prefer fucking to feeling."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady of fashion
|
|
Who had oodles and oodles of passion.
|
|
To her lover she said,
|
|
As they climbed into bed,
|
|
"Here's one thing the bastards can't ration!"
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady of Fez
|
|
Who was known to the public as "Jez."
|
|
Jezebel was her name,
|
|
Sucking cocks was the game
|
|
She excelled at (so everyone says).
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady of Gaza
|
|
Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor.
|
|
The crabs, in a lump,
|
|
Made tracks to her rump -
|
|
This passing parade did amaze her.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady of Gaza
|
|
Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor.
|
|
The crabs, in a lump,
|
|
Made tracks to her rump--
|
|
This passing parade did amaze her.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady of Gloucester,
|
|
Met a passionate fellow who tossed her.
|
|
She wasn't much hurt,
|
|
But he dirtied her skirt,
|
|
So think of the anguish it cost her.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady of Gloucester
|
|
Whose friends they thought they had lost her
|
|
Till they found on the grass
|
|
The marks of her arse,
|
|
And the knees of the man who had crossed her.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady of Kent,
|
|
Who admitted she knew what it meant
|
|
When men asked her to dine,
|
|
And plied her with wine,
|
|
She knew, oh she knew -- but she went!
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady of Lee
|
|
Who scrambled up into a tree,
|
|
When she got there
|
|
Her arsehole was bare,
|
|
And so was her C U N T.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady of Lincoln
|
|
Who said that her cunt was a pink'un,
|
|
So she had a prick lent her
|
|
Which turned it magenta,
|
|
This artful old lady of Lincoln.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady of Natchez
|
|
Who chanced to be born with two snatches,
|
|
And she often said, "Shit!
|
|
Why, I'd give either tit
|
|
For a man with equipment that matches."
|
|
|
|
There was a young fellow named Locke
|
|
Who was born with a two-headed cock.
|
|
When he'd fondle the thing
|
|
It would rise up and sing
|
|
An antiphonal chorus by Bach.
|
|
|
|
But whether these two ever met
|
|
Has not been recorded as yet,
|
|
Still, it would be diverting
|
|
To see him inserting
|
|
His whang while it sang a duet.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady of Norway
|
|
Who hung by her toes in a doorway.
|
|
She said to her beau
|
|
"Just look at me Joe
|
|
I think I've discovered one more way."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady of Rhyll
|
|
In an omnibus was taken ill,
|
|
So she called the conductor,
|
|
Who got in and fucked her,
|
|
Which did more good than a pill.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady of Spain
|
|
Who took down her pants on a train.
|
|
There was a young porter
|
|
Saw more than he orter,
|
|
And asked her to do it again.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady of Spain
|
|
Who was fucked by a monk in a drain.
|
|
They did it again
|
|
And again and again,
|
|
And again and again and again.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady of Twickenham
|
|
Who thought men had not enough prick in 'em.
|
|
On her knees every day
|
|
To God she would pray
|
|
To lengthen and strengthen and thicken 'em.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady of Wheeling
|
|
Said to her beau, "I've a feeling
|
|
My little brown jug
|
|
Has need of a plug" --
|
|
And straightaway she started to peeling.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady of Wheeling
|
|
Who professed to lack sexual feeling.
|
|
But a cynic named Boris
|
|
Just touched her clitoris,
|
|
And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady who said,
|
|
As her bridegroom got into the bed,
|
|
"I'm tired of this stunt,
|
|
That they do with one's cunt,
|
|
You can get up my bottom instead."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady whose cunt
|
|
Could accomodate a small punt.
|
|
Her mother said, "Annie,
|
|
It matches your fanny,
|
|
Which never was that of a runt."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lady whose thighs,
|
|
When spread showed a slit of such size,
|
|
And so deep and so wide,
|
|
You could play cards inside,
|
|
Much to her bridegroom's surprise.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young lass from Surat.
|
|
The cheeks of her ass were so fat
|
|
That they had to be parted
|
|
Whenever she farted,
|
|
And also whenever she shat.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young laundress named Wrangle
|
|
Whose tits tilted up at an angle.
|
|
"They may tickle my chin,"
|
|
She said with a grin,
|
|
"But at least they keep out of the mangle."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young maiden from Osset
|
|
Whose quim was nine inches across it.
|
|
Said a young man named Tong,
|
|
With tool nine inches long,
|
|
"I'll put bugger-in if I loss it."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man from Bear Ridge
|
|
Who had strange ideas about marriage.
|
|
He fucked his wife's mother
|
|
And sucked off her brother
|
|
And ate up her sister's miscarriage.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man from Bel-Aire
|
|
Who was screwing his girl on the stair.
|
|
But the banister broke
|
|
So he doubled his stroke
|
|
And finished her off in mid-air.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man from Bengal
|
|
Who claimed he had only one ball,
|
|
But two little bitches
|
|
Pulled down this man's breeches
|
|
And proved he had nothing at all.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man from Biloxi
|
|
Whose bowels responded to Moxie.
|
|
Drinking glass after glass,
|
|
He would tune up his ass,
|
|
Till he played like the band at the Roxy.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man from Bombay
|
|
Who fashioned a cunt out of clay
|
|
But the heat of his prick
|
|
Turned it into a brick
|
|
And rubbed all his foreskin away.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man from Boston
|
|
Who rode around in an Austin.
|
|
There was room for his ass
|
|
And a gallon of gas,
|
|
But his balls hung out and he lost 'em.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man from Calcutta
|
|
Who was heard in his beard to mutter,
|
|
"If her Bartholin glands
|
|
Don't respond to my hands,
|
|
I'm afraid I shall have to use butter."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man from Dallas
|
|
Who had an exceptional phallus.
|
|
He couldn't find room
|
|
In any girl's womb
|
|
Without rubbing it first with Vitalis.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man from Dundee
|
|
Who buggered an ape in a tree.
|
|
The results were quite horrid:
|
|
All ass and no forehead,
|
|
Three balls and a purple goatee.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man from East Lizes
|
|
Whose balls were of two different sizes
|
|
One was so small
|
|
It was no ball at all
|
|
The other was large and won prizes.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man from East Wubley
|
|
Whose cock was bifurcated doubly.
|
|
Each quadruplicate shaft
|
|
Had two balls hanging aft,
|
|
And the general effect was quite lovely.
|
|
|
|
There was a young man from Hong Kong
|
|
Who had a trifurcated prong:
|
|
A small one for sucking,
|
|
A large one for fucking,
|
|
And a `boney' for beating a gong.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man from Glengozzle
|
|
Who found a remarkable fossil.
|
|
He knew by the bend
|
|
And the wart on the end,
|
|
'Twas the peter of Paul the Apostle.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man from Jodhpur
|
|
Who found he could easily cure
|
|
His dread diabetes
|
|
By eating a foetus
|
|
Served up in a sauce of manure.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man from Kent
|
|
Whose tool was so long that it bent.
|
|
To save himself trouble
|
|
He put it in double
|
|
And instead of coming, he went.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man from Lynn
|
|
Whose cock was the size of a pin.
|
|
Said his girl with a laugh
|
|
As she felt his staff,
|
|
"This won't be much of a sin."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man from Maine
|
|
Whose prick was as strong as a crane;
|
|
It was almost as long,
|
|
So he strolled with his dong
|
|
Extended in sunshine and rain.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man from Nantucket
|
|
Whose cock was so long he could suck it.
|
|
But he looked in the glass,
|
|
And saw his own ass,
|
|
And broke his neck trying to fuck it.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man from Nantucket
|
|
Whose cock was so long he could suck it.
|
|
He said with a grin,
|
|
While wiping his chin,
|
|
"If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man from New Haven
|
|
Who had an affair with a raven.
|
|
He said with a grin
|
|
As he wiped off his chin,
|
|
"Nevermore!"
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man from Peru,
|
|
Who took a long trip by canoe.
|
|
While staring at Venus,
|
|
And rubbing his penis,
|
|
He wound up with a handful of goo.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man from Purdue
|
|
Who was only just learning to screw,
|
|
But he hadn't the knack,
|
|
And he got too far back --
|
|
In the right church, but in the wrong pew.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man from Racine
|
|
Who invented a fucking machine.
|
|
Concave or convex,
|
|
It served either sex,
|
|
But oh what a bitch to keep clean.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man from Rangoon
|
|
Who used to lament 'neath the moon
|
|
That he had the luck
|
|
To be born of a fuck
|
|
That was scraped off the sheets with a spoon.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man from Salinas
|
|
Who had an extremely long penis:
|
|
Believe it or not,
|
|
When he lay on his cot
|
|
It reached from Marin to Martinez.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man from Seattle
|
|
Whose testicles tended to rattle.
|
|
He said as he fuck-ed
|
|
Some stones in a bucket,
|
|
"If Stravinsky won't deafen you -- that'll."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man from Siam
|
|
Who said, "I go in with a wham,
|
|
But I soon lose my starch
|
|
Like the mad month of March,
|
|
And the lion comes out like a lamb."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man from St. Paul's
|
|
Who read "Harper's Bazaar" and "McCall's"
|
|
Till he grew such a passion
|
|
For feminine fashion
|
|
That he knitted a snood for his balls.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man from Stamboul
|
|
Who boasted so torrid a tool
|
|
That each female crater
|
|
Explored by this satyr
|
|
Seemed almost unpleasantly cool.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man from Tibet-
|
|
And this is the strangest one yet-
|
|
Whose tool was so long,
|
|
So pointed and strong,
|
|
He could bugger six Greeks "en brochette".
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man in Havana,
|
|
Banged his girl on a player-piana.
|
|
At the height of their fever
|
|
Her ass hit the lever
|
|
And: yes, he has no banana.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man in Norway,
|
|
Tried to jerk himself off in a sleigh,
|
|
But the air was so frigid
|
|
It froze his cock rigid,
|
|
And all he could come was frappe.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man in the choir
|
|
Whose penis rose higher and higher,
|
|
Till it reached such a height
|
|
It was quite out of sight --
|
|
But of course you know I'm a liar.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man, name of Fred,
|
|
Who spent every Thursday in bed;
|
|
He lay with his feet
|
|
Outside of the sheet,
|
|
And the pillows on top of his head.
|
|
-- Edward Gorey
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man, name of Saul,
|
|
Who was able to bounce either ball,
|
|
He could stretch them and snap them,
|
|
And juggle and clap them,
|
|
Which earned him the plaudits of all.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man named Crockett
|
|
Whose balls got caught in a socket.
|
|
His wife was a bitch
|
|
So she threw the switch,
|
|
And Crockett went off like a rocket.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man named Crockett
|
|
Whose balls got caught in a socket.
|
|
His wife was a bitch,
|
|
Yeah, she threw the switch,
|
|
And Crockett went off like a rocket.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man named Hughes
|
|
Who swore off all kinds of booze.
|
|
He said, "When I'm muddled
|
|
My senses get fuddled,
|
|
And I pass up too many screws."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man named Knute
|
|
Who had warts all over his root.
|
|
He put acid on these
|
|
And now when he pees,
|
|
He fingers the thing like a flute.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man named Laplace
|
|
Whose balls were made out of spun glass.
|
|
When they banged together
|
|
They played "Stormy Weather"
|
|
And lightning shot out of his ass.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man named McNamiter
|
|
With a tool of prodigious diameter.
|
|
But it wasn't the size
|
|
Gave the girls a surprise,
|
|
But his rythm -- iambic pentameter.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man named Rex
|
|
Who really was small for his sex.
|
|
When tried for exposure
|
|
The judge's disclosure
|
|
Was "de minimus non curat lex."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man named Zerubbabel
|
|
Who had only one real, and one rubber ball.
|
|
When they asked if his pleasure
|
|
Was only half measure,
|
|
He replied, "That is highly improbable."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man named Zerubbabub
|
|
Who belonged to the Block, Fuck & Bugger Club
|
|
But the pride of his life
|
|
Were the tits of his wife --
|
|
One real, and one India-rubber bub.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man of Arras
|
|
Who stretched himself out on the grass,
|
|
And with no little trouble,
|
|
He bent himself double,
|
|
And stuck his prick well up his ass.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man of Australia
|
|
Who went on a wild bacchanalia.
|
|
He buggered a frog,
|
|
Two mice and a dog,
|
|
And a bishop in fullest regalia.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man of Belgrade
|
|
Who remarked, "I'm a queer piece of trade.
|
|
I will suck, without charge,
|
|
Any cock, if it's large.
|
|
If it's small, I expect to be paid."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man of Belgrade
|
|
Who slept with a girl in the trade.
|
|
She said to him, "Jack,
|
|
Try the hole in the back;
|
|
The front one is badly decayed."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man of Bengal
|
|
Who swore he had only one ball,
|
|
But two little bitches
|
|
Unbuttoned his britches,
|
|
And found he had no balls at all.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man of Bombay
|
|
Who buggered his dad once a day.
|
|
He said, "I like, rather,
|
|
Fucking my father --
|
|
He's clean, and there's nothing to pay."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man of Calcutta,
|
|
Who tried to write "cunt" on a shutter.
|
|
When he got to c-u,
|
|
A pious Hindoo
|
|
Knocked him ass-over-head in the gutter.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man of Cape Horn
|
|
Who wished he had never been born,
|
|
And he wouldn't have been
|
|
If his father had seen
|
|
That the end of the rubber was torn.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man of Coblenz
|
|
Whose ballocks were simply immense:
|
|
It took forty-four draymen,
|
|
A priest and three laymen
|
|
To carry them thither and thence.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man of Darjeeling
|
|
Whose cock reached up to the ceiling.
|
|
In the electric light socket,
|
|
He'd put it and rock it--
|
|
Oh God! What a wonderful feeling!
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man of Devizes
|
|
Whose balls were of different sizes.
|
|
His tool when at ease,
|
|
Hung down to his knees,
|
|
Oh, what must it be when it rises!
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man of Devizes,
|
|
Whose balls were of different sizes.
|
|
One was so small,
|
|
It was nothing at all;
|
|
The other took numerous prizes.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man of Dumfries
|
|
Who said to his girl, "If you please,
|
|
It would give me great bliss
|
|
If, while playing with this,
|
|
You would pay some attention to these!"
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man of Greenwich
|
|
Whose balls were all covered with spinach.
|
|
So long was his tool
|
|
That it wound round a spool,
|
|
And he let it out inach by inach.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man of high station
|
|
Who was found by a pious relation
|
|
Making love in a ditch
|
|
To -- I won't say a bitch --
|
|
But a woman of no reputation.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man of Khartoum,
|
|
The strength of whose balls was his doom.
|
|
So strong was his shootin',
|
|
The third law of Newton
|
|
Propelled the poor chap to the Moon.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man of Khartoum
|
|
Who lured a poor girl to her doom.
|
|
He not only fucked her,
|
|
But buggered and sucked her--
|
|
And left her to pay for the room.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man of Kildare
|
|
Who was fucking a girl on the stair.
|
|
The bannister broke,
|
|
But he doubled his stroke
|
|
And finished her off in mid-air.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man of Kutki
|
|
Who could blink himself off with one eye.
|
|
For a while though, he pined,
|
|
When his organ declined
|
|
To function, because of a stye.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man of Lahore
|
|
Whose prick was one inch and no more.
|
|
It was all right for key-holes
|
|
And little girl's pee-holes,
|
|
But not worth a damn with a whore.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man of Lake Placid
|
|
Whose prick was lethargic and flaccid.
|
|
When he wanted to sport
|
|
He would have to resort
|
|
To injections of sulphuric acid.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man of Madras
|
|
Whose balls were constructed of brass.
|
|
When jangled together
|
|
They played "Stormy Weather",
|
|
And lightning shot out of his ass.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man of Missouri
|
|
Who fucked with a terrible fury.
|
|
Till hauled into court
|
|
For his beastial sport,
|
|
And condemned by a poorly-hung jury.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man of Natal
|
|
And Sue was the name of his gal.
|
|
One day, north of Aden,
|
|
He got his hard rod in,
|
|
And came clear up Suez Canal.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man of Natal
|
|
Who was fucking a Hottentot gal.
|
|
Said she, "You're a sluggard!"
|
|
Said he, "You be buggered!
|
|
I like to fuck slow and I shall."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man of Ostend
|
|
Who let a girl play with his end.
|
|
She took hold of Rover,
|
|
And felt it all over,
|
|
And it did what she didn't intend.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man of Ostend
|
|
Whose wife caught him fucking her friend.
|
|
"It's no use, my duck,
|
|
Interrupting our fuck,
|
|
For I'm damned if I draw till I spend."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man of Saskatchewan,
|
|
Whose penis was truly gargantuan.
|
|
It was good for large whores,
|
|
And for small dinosaurs,
|
|
And was rough enough to scratch a match upon.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man of Seattle
|
|
Who bested a bull in a battle.
|
|
With fire and gumption
|
|
He assumed the bull's function,
|
|
And deflowered a whole herd of cattle.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man of St. John's
|
|
Who wanted to bugger the swans.
|
|
But the loyal hall porter
|
|
Said, "Pray take my daughter!
|
|
Those birds are reserved for the dons."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man of Tibet
|
|
-- And this is the strangest one yet --
|
|
His prick was so long,
|
|
And so pointed and strong,
|
|
He could bugger six sheep en brochette.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man of Toulouse
|
|
Who had a deficient prepuce,
|
|
But the foreskin he lacked
|
|
He made up in his sac;
|
|
The result was, his balls were too loose.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man who appeared
|
|
To his friends with a full growth of beard;
|
|
They at once said, "Although
|
|
We can't say why it's so,
|
|
The effect is uncommonly weird."
|
|
-- Edward Gorey
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man who said "God,
|
|
I find it exceedingly odd,
|
|
That the willow oak tree
|
|
Continues to be,
|
|
When there's no one about in the Quad."
|
|
|
|
"Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd,
|
|
For I'm always about in the Quad;
|
|
And that's why the tree,
|
|
Continues to be,"
|
|
Signed "Yours faithfully, God."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man with a fiddle
|
|
Who asked of his girl, "Do you diddle?"
|
|
She replied, "Yes, I do,
|
|
But prefer to with two --
|
|
It's twice as much fun in the middle."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man with a prick
|
|
Which into his wife he would stick
|
|
Every morning and night
|
|
If it stood up all right --
|
|
Not a very remarkable trick.
|
|
|
|
His wife had a nice little cunt:
|
|
It was hairy, and soft, and in front,
|
|
And with this she would fuck him,
|
|
Though sometimes she'd suck him --
|
|
A charming, if commonplace, stunt.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man with one foot
|
|
Who had a very long root.
|
|
If he used this peg
|
|
As an extra leg
|
|
Is a question exceedingly moot.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young miss from Johore
|
|
Who'd lie on a mat on the floor;
|
|
In a manner uncanny
|
|
She'd wobble her fanny,
|
|
And drain your nuts dry to the core.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young monk from Siberia
|
|
Whose life got drearia' and drearia'
|
|
Till he did to a nun
|
|
What shouldn't be done
|
|
And made her a mother superia'.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young monk from Tibet
|
|
And this is the damnedest one yet
|
|
His cock was so long
|
|
And incredibly strong
|
|
That he buggered six Greeks en brochette.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young monk in Siberia,
|
|
Whose morals were very inferior,
|
|
He jumped on a nun
|
|
Which he shouldn't have done,
|
|
And now she's a Mother Superior.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young monk of Dundee
|
|
Who complained that it hurt him to pee,
|
|
He said, "Pax vobiscum,
|
|
Now why won't the piss come?
|
|
I'm afraid I've the c-l-a-p."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young parson of Harwich,
|
|
Tried to grind his betrothed in a carriage.
|
|
She said, "No, you young goose,
|
|
Just try self-abuse.
|
|
And the other we'll try after marriage."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young peasant named Gorse
|
|
Who fell madly in love with his horse.
|
|
Said his wife, "You rapscallion,
|
|
That horse is a stallion --
|
|
This constitutes grounds for divorce."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young person of Kent
|
|
Who was famous wherever he went.
|
|
All the way through a fuck,
|
|
He would quack like a duck,
|
|
And he crowed like a cock when he spent.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young physicist named Fisk
|
|
Whose lovemaking was rather brisk.
|
|
So quick was his action,
|
|
The Lorentz Contraction
|
|
Shortened his rod to a disc !!
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young plumber named Lee
|
|
Who was plumbing his girl by the sea.
|
|
She said, "Stop your plumbing,
|
|
There's somebody coming"
|
|
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young poet named Dan,
|
|
Whose poetry never would scan.
|
|
When told this was so,
|
|
He said, "Yes, I know,
|
|
It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young royal marine,
|
|
Who tried to fart "God Save the Queen".
|
|
When he reached the soprano
|
|
Out came only guano
|
|
And his britches weren't fit to be seen.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young sailor from Brighton,
|
|
Who remarked to his girl, "You're a tight one."
|
|
She replied, "'Pon my soul,
|
|
You're in the wrong hole;
|
|
There's plenty of room in the right one."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young sapphic named Anna
|
|
Who stuffed her friend's cunt with banana,
|
|
Which she sucked, bit by bit,
|
|
From her partner's warm slit,
|
|
In the most approved lesbian manner.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young Scot in Madrid
|
|
Who got fifty-five fucks for a quid.
|
|
When they said, "Are you faint?"
|
|
He replied, "No, I ain't,
|
|
But I don't feel as good as I did."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young soldier from Munich
|
|
Whose penis hung down past his tunic,
|
|
And their chops girls would lick
|
|
When they thought of his prick,
|
|
But alas! he was only a eunuch.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young sportsman named Peel
|
|
Who went for a trip on his wheel;
|
|
He pedalled for days
|
|
Through crepuscular haze,
|
|
And returned feeling somewhat unreal.
|
|
-- Edward Gorey
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young squaw of Wohunt
|
|
Who possessed a collapsible cunt.
|
|
It had many odd uses,
|
|
Produced no papooses,
|
|
And fitted both giant and runt.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young student from Yale
|
|
Who was getting his first piece of tail.
|
|
He shoved in his pole,
|
|
But in the wrong hole,
|
|
And a voice from beneath yelled: "No sale!"
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young trollop at Yale,
|
|
Who had verses tattooed on her tail,
|
|
And on her behind,
|
|
For the sake of the blind,
|
|
A duplicate version in Braille.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young whore from Kaloo
|
|
Who filled her vagina with glue.
|
|
She said with a grin,
|
|
"If they pay to get in,
|
|
They can pay to get out again too!"
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young woman called Pearl
|
|
Who quite resembled a churl;
|
|
When she asked a young man named Tex
|
|
Whether he would like to have sex,
|
|
"Certainly," quoth he, "Who's the girl?"
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young woman from Bude,
|
|
Who went for a swim in the nude,
|
|
But a man in a punt,
|
|
Grabbed at her elbow,
|
|
And said "Hey, lady, you can't swim here, it's private property."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young woman in Dee
|
|
Who stayed with each man she did see.
|
|
When it came to a test
|
|
She wished to be best,
|
|
And practice makes perfect, you see.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young woman named Alice
|
|
Who peed in a Catholic chalice.
|
|
She said, "I do this
|
|
From a great need to piss,
|
|
And not from sectarian malice."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young woman named Ells
|
|
Who was subject to curious spells
|
|
When got up very oddly,
|
|
She'd cry out things ungodly
|
|
by the palms in expensive hotels.
|
|
-- Edward Gorey
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young woman named Florence
|
|
Who for fucking professed an abhorrence,
|
|
But they found her in bed
|
|
With her cunt flaming red,
|
|
And her poodle-dog spending in torrents.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young woman named Plunnery
|
|
Who rejoiced in the practice of gunnery.
|
|
Till one day unobservant,
|
|
She blew up a servant,
|
|
And was forced to retire to a nunnery.
|
|
-- Edward Gorey
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young woman named Sutton
|
|
Who said, as she carved up the mutton,
|
|
"My father preferred
|
|
The last sheep in the herd --
|
|
This is one of his children I'm cuttin'."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young woman of Cheadle,
|
|
Who once gave the clap to a beadle.
|
|
Said she, "Does it itch?"
|
|
"It does, you damned bitch,
|
|
And it burns like hell-fire when I peedle."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young woman of Condover
|
|
Whose husband had ceased to be fond of 'er.
|
|
Her pussy was juicy,
|
|
Her arse soft and goosey,
|
|
But peroxide had now made a blonde of 'er.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young woman of Croft
|
|
Who played with herself in a loft,
|
|
Having reasoned that candles
|
|
Could never cause scandals,
|
|
Besides which they did not go soft.
|
|
|
|
Said another young woman of Croft,
|
|
Amusing herself in the loft,
|
|
"A salami or wurst
|
|
Is what I'd choose first --
|
|
With bologna you know you've been boffed."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young woman, quite handsome,
|
|
Who got stuck in a sleeping room transom.
|
|
When she offered much gold
|
|
For release, she was told
|
|
That the view was worth more than the ransom.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young woman whose stammer
|
|
Was atrocious, and so was her grammar;
|
|
But they were not improved
|
|
When her husband was moved
|
|
To knock out her teeth with a hammer.
|
|
-- Edward Gorey
|
|
%
|
|
There was an old abbess quite shocked
|
|
To find nuns where the candles were locked.
|
|
Said the abbess, "You nuns
|
|
Should behave more like guns,
|
|
And never go off till you're cocked."
|
|
%
|
|
There was an old bishop from Buckingham
|
|
Who fell in love with some oysters while shucking 'em.
|
|
His wife with distain
|
|
Could scarcely restrain
|
|
That sprightly old bishop from * * *.
|
|
%
|
|
There was an old count of Swoboda
|
|
Who would not pay a whore what he owed her.
|
|
So, with great savoir-faire,
|
|
She stood on a chair
|
|
And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda.
|
|
%
|
|
There was an old curate of Hestion
|
|
Who'd errect at the slightest suggestion.
|
|
But so small was his tool
|
|
He could scarce screw a spool,
|
|
And a cunt was quite out of the question.
|
|
%
|
|
There was an old fellow named Art
|
|
Who awoke with a horrible start,
|
|
For down by his rump
|
|
Was a generous lump
|
|
Of what should have been just a fart.
|
|
%
|
|
There was an old fellow named Skinner
|
|
Whose prick, his wife said, had grown thinner.
|
|
But still, by and large,
|
|
It would always discharge
|
|
Once he could just get it in her.
|
|
%
|
|
There was an old feminine blighter
|
|
Who trained a Chow dog to delight her.
|
|
She would cream her own pool
|
|
While she sucked off his tool --
|
|
How his cock in her cunt would excite her!
|
|
%
|
|
There was an old gent from Kentuck
|
|
Who boasted a filigreed schmuck,
|
|
But he put it away
|
|
For fear that one day
|
|
He might put it in and get stuck.
|
|
%
|
|
There was an old girl of Kilkenny
|
|
Whose usual charge was a penny.
|
|
For half of that sum
|
|
You could finger her bum--
|
|
A source of amusement to many.
|
|
%
|
|
There was an old harlot from Dijon
|
|
Who in her old age got religion.
|
|
"When I'm dead & gone,"
|
|
Said she, "I'll take on
|
|
The Father, the Son, and the Pigeon."
|
|
%
|
|
There was an old hermit named Dave
|
|
Who kept a dead whore in his cave.
|
|
He said "I'll admit
|
|
I'm a bit of a shit,
|
|
But look at the money I save."
|
|
%
|
|
There was an old lady of Bingly
|
|
Who wailed, "I do hate to sleep singly.
|
|
I thought I had got
|
|
A bloke for my twat,
|
|
But he seems rather queenly than kingly."
|
|
%
|
|
There was an old lady of Glascow,
|
|
Whose party proved quite a fiasco.
|
|
At nine-thirty, about,
|
|
The lights all went out,
|
|
Through a lapse on the part of the Gas Co.
|
|
%
|
|
There was an old lady of Kewry
|
|
Whose cunt was a `lusus naturae':
|
|
The `introitus vaginae',
|
|
Was unnaturally tiny,
|
|
And the thought of it filled her with fury.
|
|
%
|
|
There was an old lady who lay
|
|
With her legs wide apart in the hay,
|
|
Then, calling the ploughman,
|
|
She said, "Do it now, man!
|
|
Don't wait till your hair has turned gray."
|
|
%
|
|
There was an old maid from Cape Cod
|
|
Who thought all good things came from god.
|
|
But it wasn't the almighty
|
|
Who lifted her nighty,
|
|
It was Roger, the lodger, by god.
|
|
%
|
|
There was an old man from Bengal
|
|
Who liked to do tricks in the hall.
|
|
His favorite trick
|
|
Was to stand on his dick
|
|
While he rolled around on one ball.
|
|
%
|
|
There was an old man from Duluth
|
|
Whose cock was shot off in his youth.
|
|
He fucked with his nose
|
|
Or his fingers and toes
|
|
And he came thru a hole in his tooth.
|
|
%
|
|
There was an old man from Fort Drum
|
|
Whose son was incredibly dumb.
|
|
When he urged him ahead,
|
|
He went down instead,
|
|
For he thought to succeed meant succumb.
|
|
%
|
|
There was an old man of Alsace
|
|
Who played the trombone with his ass.
|
|
He put in a trap
|
|
To take out the crap,
|
|
But the vapors corroded the brass.
|
|
%
|
|
There was an old man of Brienz
|
|
The length of whose cock was immense:
|
|
With one swerve he could plug
|
|
A boy's bottom in Zug,
|
|
And a kitchen-maid's cunt in Coblenz.
|
|
%
|
|
There was an old man of Cajon
|
|
Who never could get a good bone.
|
|
With the aid of a gland
|
|
It grew simply grand;
|
|
Now his wife cannot leave it alone.
|
|
%
|
|
There was an old man of Calcutta
|
|
Who spied through a chink in the shutter.
|
|
But all he could see
|
|
Was his wife's bare knee,
|
|
And the back of the bloke who was up her.
|
|
%
|
|
There was an old man of Connaught
|
|
Whose prick was remarkably short.
|
|
When he got into bed,
|
|
The old woman said,
|
|
"This isn't a prick, it's a wart."
|
|
%
|
|
There was an old man of Duddee
|
|
Who came home as drunk as could be.
|
|
He wound up the clock
|
|
With the end of his cock,
|
|
And buggered his wife with the key.
|
|
%
|
|
There was an old man of Duluth
|
|
Whose cock was shot off in his youth.
|
|
He fucked with his nose
|
|
And with fingers and toes,
|
|
And he came through a hole in his tooth.
|
|
%
|
|
There was an old man of Hong Kong
|
|
Who never did anything wrong.
|
|
He would lie on his back
|
|
With his head in a sack
|
|
And secretly finger his dong.
|
|
%
|
|
There was an old man of St. Bees,
|
|
Who was stung in the arm by a wasp.
|
|
When asked, "Does it hurt?"
|
|
He relied, "No, it doesn't.
|
|
I'm so glad that it wasn't a hornet."
|
|
%
|
|
There was an old man of St. Bees,
|
|
Who was stung in the arm by a wasp.
|
|
When asked, "Does it hurt?"
|
|
He relied, "No, it doesn't.
|
|
I'm so glad that it wasn't a hornet."
|
|
-- W.S. Gilbert
|
|
%
|
|
There was an old man of Tagore
|
|
Whose tool was a yard long or more,
|
|
So he wore the damn thing
|
|
In a surgical sling
|
|
To keep it from wiping the floor.
|
|
%
|
|
There was an Old Man of the Mountain
|
|
Who frigged himself into a fountain
|
|
Fifteen times had he spent,
|
|
Still he wasn't content,
|
|
He simply got tired of the counting.
|
|
%
|
|
There was an old man of the port
|
|
Whose prick was remarkably short.
|
|
When he got into bed,
|
|
The old woman said,
|
|
"That isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
|
|
%
|
|
There was an old man who said, "Tush!
|
|
My balls always hang in the brush,
|
|
And I fumble about,
|
|
Half in and half out,
|
|
With a pecker as limber as mush."
|
|
%
|
|
There was an old man with a beard
|
|
Who said, "It is just what I feared!
|
|
Two owls and a hen,
|
|
Four larks and a wren
|
|
Have all built their nests in my beard!"
|
|
%
|
|
There was an old person of Ware
|
|
Who had an affair with a bear.
|
|
He explained, "I don't mind,
|
|
For it's gentle and kind,
|
|
But I wish it had slightly less hair."
|
|
%
|
|
There was an old pirate named Bates
|
|
Who was learning to rhumba on skates
|
|
He fell on his cutlass
|
|
Which rendered him nutless
|
|
And practically useless on dates.
|
|
%
|
|
There was an old satyr named Mack
|
|
Whose prick had a left handed tack.
|
|
If the ladies he loves
|
|
Don't spin when he shoves,
|
|
Their cervixes frequently crack.
|
|
%
|
|
There was an old Scot named McTavish
|
|
Who attempted an anthropoid ravish.
|
|
The object of rape
|
|
Was the wrong sex of ape,
|
|
And the anthropoid ravished McTavish.
|
|
%
|
|
There was an old whore from Silesia
|
|
Who'd croke: "If my box doesn't please ya,
|
|
For a slight extra sum
|
|
You can go up my bum
|
|
But watchout or my tapeworm'll seize ya."
|
|
%
|
|
There was an old whore in the Azores
|
|
Whose body was covered with festers & sores.
|
|
Why the dogs in the street
|
|
Wouldn't eat the green meat
|
|
That hung in festoons from her drawers.
|
|
%
|
|
There was an old woman of Ghent
|
|
Who swore that her cunt had no scent.
|
|
She got fucked so often
|
|
At last she got rotten,
|
|
And didn't she stink when she spent.
|
|
%
|
|
There was once a mechanic named Bench
|
|
Whose best tool was a sturdy gut-wrench.
|
|
With this vibrant device
|
|
He could reach, in a trice,
|
|
The innermost parts of a wench.
|
|
%
|
|
There was once a sad Maitre d'hotel
|
|
Who said, "They can all go to hell!
|
|
What they do to my wife--
|
|
Why it ruins my life;
|
|
And the worst is, they all do it well.
|
|
%
|
|
There were three ladies of Huxham,
|
|
And whenever we meets 'em we fucks 'em,
|
|
And when that game grows stale
|
|
We sits on a rail,
|
|
And pulls out our pricks and they sucks 'em.
|
|
%
|
|
There were three young ladies of Birmingham,
|
|
And this is the scandal concerning 'em.
|
|
They lifted the frock
|
|
And tickled the cock
|
|
Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em.
|
|
|
|
Now, the Bishop was nobody's fool,
|
|
He'd been to a good public school,
|
|
So he took down their britches
|
|
And buggered those bitches
|
|
With his ten-inch episcopal tool.
|
|
|
|
Then up spoke a lady from Kew,
|
|
And said, as the Bishop withdrew,
|
|
"The vicar is quicker
|
|
And thicker and slicker,
|
|
And longer and stronger than you."
|
|
-- Abuses of the Clergy
|
|
%
|
|
There's a charming young girl in Tobruk
|
|
Who refers to her quiff as a nook.
|
|
It's deep and it's wide,
|
|
-- You can curl up inside
|
|
With a nice easy chair and a book.
|
|
%
|
|
There's a charming young lady named Beaulieu
|
|
Who's often been screwed by yours truly,
|
|
But now--it's appallin'--
|
|
My balls always fall in!
|
|
I fear that I've fucked her unduly.
|
|
%
|
|
There's a dowager near Sweden Landing
|
|
Whose manners are odd and demanding.
|
|
It's one of her jests
|
|
To suck off her guests --
|
|
She hates to keep gentlemen standing.
|
|
%
|
|
There's a lovely young lady named Shittlecock
|
|
Who loves to play diddle and fiddle-cock,
|
|
But her cunt's got a pucker
|
|
That's best not to fuck, or
|
|
When least you expect it to, it'll lock.
|
|
%
|
|
There's a rather odd couple in Herts
|
|
Who are cousins (or so each asserts);
|
|
Their sex is in doubt
|
|
For they're never without
|
|
Their moustaches and long, trailing skirts.
|
|
-- Edward Gorey
|
|
%
|
|
There's a sports-minded coed named Sue,
|
|
Who's been coxing the varsity crew.
|
|
In the shell Sue is great,
|
|
But her boyfriend's irate,
|
|
When she calls out the stroke as they screw.
|
|
%
|
|
There's a tavern in London that's staffed,
|
|
By a barmaid who's tops at her craft:
|
|
In her striving to please,
|
|
She serves ale on her knees,
|
|
So the patrons get head with their draft.
|
|
%
|
|
There's a very hot babe at the Aggies
|
|
Who's to men what to bulls a red rag is.
|
|
The seniors go round
|
|
Hanging down to the ground,
|
|
And one extra-large Soph has to drag his.
|
|
%
|
|
There's a vicar who's classed as nefarious,
|
|
Since his shocking perversions are various...
|
|
He will bugger some lad
|
|
With a dildo (the cad!)
|
|
While exulting, "My pleasure's vicarious!"
|
|
%
|
|
There's a young Yiddish slut with two cunts,
|
|
Whose pleasure in life is to pruntz.
|
|
When one pireg is shot,
|
|
There's that alternate twat,
|
|
But the ausgefuckt male merely grunts.
|
|
%
|
|
There's an oversexed lady named Whyte
|
|
Who insists on a dozen a night.
|
|
A fellow named Cheddar
|
|
Had the brashness to wed her-
|
|
His chance of survival is slight.
|
|
%
|
|
There's an unbroken babe from Toronto,
|
|
Exceedingly hard to get onto,
|
|
But when you get there,
|
|
And have parted the hair,
|
|
You can fuck her as much as you want to.
|
|
%
|
|
They had come in the fugue to the stretto
|
|
When a dark, bearded man from a ghetto
|
|
Slipped forward and grabbed
|
|
Her tresses and stabbed
|
|
Her to death with a rusty stiletto.
|
|
-- Edward Gorey
|
|
%
|
|
Though his plan, when he gave her a buzz,
|
|
Was to do what man normally does,
|
|
She declared, "I'm a Soul-
|
|
Not a sexual goal!"
|
|
So he shrugged and called someone who was.
|
|
%
|
|
Though most of the crewmen are whites,
|
|
Uhura has full equal rights.
|
|
Her crewmates, you see,
|
|
Love De-mo-cra-cy,
|
|
And the way that she fills out her tights.
|
|
%
|
|
Though the invalid Saint of Brac
|
|
Lay all of his life on his back,
|
|
His wife got her share,
|
|
And the pilgrims now stare
|
|
At the scene, in his shrine, on a plaque.
|
|
%
|
|
'Tis a custom in Castellamare
|
|
To fuck in the back of a lorry.
|
|
The chassis and springs
|
|
Are like woodwinds and strings
|
|
In the midst of a musical soiree.
|
|
%
|
|
To a weepy young woman in Thrums
|
|
Her betrothed remarked, "This is what comes
|
|
Of allowing your tears
|
|
To fall into my ears -
|
|
I think they have rotted the drums."
|
|
-- Edward Gorey
|
|
%
|
|
To bear offspring, Noah's snakes were unable.
|
|
Their fertility was somewhat unstable.
|
|
He constructed a bed
|
|
Out of tree trunks and said,
|
|
"Even adders can multiply on a log table."
|
|
%
|
|
To his bride a young bridegroom said, "Pish!
|
|
Your cunt is as big as a dish!"
|
|
She replied, "Why, you fool,
|
|
With your limp little tool
|
|
It's like driving a nail with a fish!"
|
|
%
|
|
To his bride said a numskull named Clarence :
|
|
"I trust you will show some forbearance.
|
|
My sexual habits
|
|
I picked up from rabbits,
|
|
And occasionally watching my parents."
|
|
%
|
|
To his bride said economist Fife :
|
|
"The semen you'll launch as my wife,
|
|
We will salvage and freeze
|
|
To resemble goat's cheese,
|
|
And slice for hors d'oeuvres with a knife."
|
|
%
|
|
To his bride said the keen-eyed detective,
|
|
"Can it be that my eyesight's defective?
|
|
Has the east tit the least bit
|
|
The best of the west tit,
|
|
Or is it the faulty perspective?"
|
|
%
|
|
To his bride, said the sharp eyed detective,
|
|
"Can it be that my eyesight's defective?
|
|
Is your east tit the least bit
|
|
The best of your west tit,
|
|
Or is it a trick of perspective?"
|
|
%
|
|
To his clubfooted child said Lord Stipple,
|
|
As he poured his post-prandial tipple,
|
|
"Your mother's behaviour
|
|
Gave pain to Our Saviour,
|
|
And that's why He made you a cripple."
|
|
-- Edward Gorey
|
|
%
|
|
Two anglers were fishing off Wight
|
|
And his bobber was dipping all night.
|
|
Murmured she, with a laugh,
|
|
"It's ready to gaff,
|
|
But don't break your rod which is light."
|
|
|
|
A couple was fishing near Clombe
|
|
When the maid began looking quite glum,
|
|
And said, "Bother the fish!
|
|
I'd rather coish!"
|
|
Which they did -- which was why they had come.
|
|
|
|
As two consular clerks in Madras
|
|
Fished, hidden in deep shore-grass,
|
|
"What a marvelous pole,"
|
|
Said she, "but control
|
|
Your sinkers -- they're banging my ass."
|
|
%
|
|
Two eager young men from Cawnpore
|
|
Once buggared and fucked the same whore.
|
|
But her partition split
|
|
And the blood and the shit
|
|
Rolled out in a mess on the floor.
|
|
%
|
|
Two roosters in one of our pens
|
|
Found their pricks were no larger than wens.
|
|
As they looked at their foreskins
|
|
And wished they had more skins,
|
|
They discovered they'd both become hens.
|
|
%
|
|
Under the spreading chestnut tree
|
|
The village smith he sat,
|
|
Amusing himself
|
|
By abusing himself
|
|
And catching the load in his hat.
|
|
%
|
|
Une joile epousetta a Tours
|
|
Voulait de gig-gig tous le jours.
|
|
Mais le mari disait, "Non!
|
|
De trop n'est pas bon!
|
|
Mon derriere exige du secours!"
|
|
%
|
|
Visas erat: huic geminarum
|
|
Dispar modus testicularum:
|
|
Minor haec nihili,
|
|
Palma triplici,
|
|
Jam fecerat altera clarum.
|
|
%
|
|
We dedicate this to the cunt,
|
|
The kind the broad-minded guys hunt :
|
|
All hail to the twat,
|
|
Willing, thrilling, and hot,
|
|
That wears peckers down, limp and blunt!
|
|
%
|
|
When I was a baby, my penis
|
|
Was as white as the buttocks of Venus.
|
|
But now 'this as red
|
|
As her nipples instead--
|
|
All because of the feminie genus!
|
|
%
|
|
When they asked a pert baggage name Alice,
|
|
Who'd been bedded and banged in the palace,
|
|
"Was he modest or vain?"
|
|
"Was he regal or plain?"
|
|
She replied, "He's a jolly good phallus!"
|
|
%
|
|
When you fuck little Annie in Anza
|
|
You get a great bossom bonanza:
|
|
Sucking Annie's soft tits
|
|
Makes her throw fifty fits,
|
|
And the fuck is a sextravaganza!
|
|
%
|
|
While his duchess lay practically dead,
|
|
The Duke of Daguerrodargue said:
|
|
"Can it be this is all?
|
|
How puny! How small!
|
|
Have destroyed this disgrace to my bed."
|
|
-- Edward Gorey
|
|
%
|
|
While I, with my usual enthusiasm,
|
|
Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,
|
|
She explained, "They are flat,
|
|
But think nothing of that --
|
|
You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm."
|
|
%
|
|
While out on a date in his Fiat,
|
|
The man exclaimed "Where's my key at?"
|
|
As he bent down to seek,
|
|
She let out a shriek:
|
|
"That's not where it's likely to be at."
|
|
%
|
|
While spending the winter at Pau
|
|
Lady Pamela forgot to say "No."
|
|
So the head-porter made her
|
|
And the second-cook laid her;
|
|
The waiters were all hanging low.
|
|
%
|
|
While Titian was mixing rose madder,
|
|
His model reclined on a ladder.
|
|
Her position to Titian
|
|
Suggested coition,
|
|
So he leapt up the ladder and had 'er.
|
|
%
|
|
While travelling in farthest Tibet,
|
|
Lord Irongate found cause to regret
|
|
The buttered-up tea,
|
|
A pain in his knee,
|
|
And the frivolous tourists he met.
|
|
-- Edward Gorey
|
|
%
|
|
Winter is here with his grouch,
|
|
The time when you sneeze and you slouch.
|
|
You can't take your women
|
|
Canoein' or swimmin',
|
|
But a lot can be done on a couch.
|
|
%
|
|
With his penis in turgid erection,
|
|
And aimed at woman's mid-section,
|
|
Man looks most uncouth
|
|
In that Moment of Truth,
|
|
But she sheathes it with loving affection.
|
|
%
|
|
You Women's Lib gals won't agree,
|
|
But dependent on men you must be:
|
|
You'll need a him
|
|
With a rod firm and trim,
|
|
To puggle your water-drains free!
|
|
%
|
|
Young Frederick the great was a beaut.
|
|
To a guard he cried, "Hey, man, you're cute.
|
|
If you'll come to my palace,
|
|
I'll finger your phallus,
|
|
And then I shall blow on your flute."
|
|
%
|
|
You've heard of the bishop of Birmingham,
|
|
Well, here's the new story concerning 'im :
|
|
He buggers the choir
|
|
As they sing "Ave Maria,"
|
|
And fucks all the girls whilst confirming 'em.
|
|
%
|