1334 lines
38 KiB
Plaintext
1334 lines
38 KiB
Plaintext
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A can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAQUIRI!!
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%
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A dwarf is passing out somewhere in Detroit!
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%
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A shapely CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRL is FIDGETING inside my costume..
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%
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A wide-eyed, innocent UNICORN, poised delicately in a MEADOW filled
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with LILACS, LOLLIPOPS & small CHILDREN at the HUSH of twilight??
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%
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Actually, what I'd like is a little toy spaceship!!
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%
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All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled
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by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS ...
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%
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All of a sudden, I want to THROW OVER my promising ACTING CAREER, grow
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a LONG BLACK BEARD and wear a BASEBALL HAT!! ... Although I don't know
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WHY!!
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%
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All of life is a blur of Republicans and meat!
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All right, you degenerates! I want this place evacuated in 20 seconds!
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%
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All this time I've been VIEWING a RUSSIAN MIDGET SODOMIZE a HOUSECAT!
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Alright, you!! Imitate a WOUNDED SEAL pleading for a PARKING SPACE!!
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Am I accompanied by a PARENT or GUARDIAN?
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Am I elected yet?
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Am I in GRADUATE SCHOOL yet?
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%
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Am I SHOPLIFTING?
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%
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America!! I saw it all!! Vomiting! Waving! JERRY FALWELLING into
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your void tube of UHF oblivion!! SAFEWAY of the mind ...
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%
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An air of FRENCH FRIES permeates my nostrils!!
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%
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An INK-LING? Sure -- TAKE one!! Did you BUY any COMMUNIST UNIFORMS??
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%
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An Italian is COMBING his hair in suburban DES MOINES!
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%
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And furthermore, my bowling average is unimpeachable!!!
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%
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ANN JILLIAN'S HAIR makes LONI ANDERSON'S HAIR look like RICARDO
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MONTALBAN'S HAIR!
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Are the STEWED PRUNES still in the HAIR DRYER?
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%
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Are we live or on tape?
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%
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Are we on STRIKE yet?
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%
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Are we THERE yet?
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%
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Are we THERE yet? My MIND is a SUBMARINE!!
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%
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Are you mentally here at Pizza Hut??
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%
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Are you selling NYLON OIL WELLS?? If so, we can use TWO DOZEN!!
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%
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Are you still an ALCOHOLIC?
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%
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As President I have to go vacuum my coin collection!
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%
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Awright, which one of you hid my PENIS ENVY?
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%
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BARBARA STANWYCK makes me nervous!!
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%
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Barbie says, Take quaaludes in gin and go to a disco right away!
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But Ken says, WOO-WOO!! No credit at "Mr. Liquor"!!
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%
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BARRY ... That was the most HEART-WARMING rendition of "I DID IT MY
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WAY" I've ever heard!!
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%
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Being a BALD HERO is almost as FESTIVE as a TATTOOED KNOCKWURST.
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%
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BELA LUGOSI is my co-pilot ...
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%
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BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-
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%
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... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ...
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%
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Bo Derek ruined my life!
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%
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Boy, am I glad it's only 1971...
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%
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Boys, you have ALL been selected to LEAVE th' PLANET in 15 minutes!!
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%
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But they went to MARS around 1953!!
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%
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But was he mature enough last night at the lesbian masquerade?
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%
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Can I have an IMPULSE ITEM instead?
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%
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Can you MAIL a BEAN CAKE?
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%
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Catsup and Mustard all over the place! It's the Human Hamburger!
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%
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CHUBBY CHECKER just had a CHICKEN SANDWICH in downtown DULUTH!
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%
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Civilization is fun! Anyway, it keeps me busy!!
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%
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Clear the laundromat!! This whirl-o-matic just had a nuclear meltdown!!
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%
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Concentrate on th'cute, li'l CARTOON GUYS! Remember the SERIAL
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NUMBERS!! Follow the WHIPPLE AVE. EXIT!! Have a FREE PEPSI!! Turn
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LEFT at th'HOLIDAY INN!! JOIN the CREDIT WORLD!! MAKE me an OFFER!!!
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%
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CONGRATULATIONS! Now should I make thinly veiled comments about
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DIGNITY, self-esteem and finding TRUE FUN in your RIGHT VENTRICLE??
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%
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Content: 80% POLYESTER, 20% DACRONi ... The waitress's UNIFORM sheds
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TARTAR SAUCE like an 8" by 10" GLOSSY ...
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%
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Could I have a drug overdose?
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%
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Did an Italian CRANE OPERATOR just experience uninhibited sensations in
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a MALIBU HOT TUB?
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%
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Did I do an INCORRECT THING??
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%
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Did I say I was a sardine? Or a bus???
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%
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Did I SELL OUT yet??
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%
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Did YOU find a DIGITAL WATCH in YOUR box of VELVEETA?
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%
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Did you move a lot of KOREAN STEAK KNIVES this trip, Dingy?
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%
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DIDI ... is that a MARTIAN name, or, are we in ISRAEL?
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%
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Didn't I buy a 1951 Packard from you last March in Cairo?
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%
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Disco oil bussing will create a throbbing naugahide pipeline running
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straight to the tropics from the rug producing regions and devalue the
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dollar!
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%
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Do I have a lifestyle yet?
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%
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Do you guys know we just passed thru a BLACK HOLE in space?
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%
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Do you have exactly what I want in a plaid poindexter bar bat??
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%
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Do you like "TENDER VITTLES"?
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%
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Do you think the "Monkees" should get gas on odd or even days?
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%
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Does someone from PEORIA have a SHORTER ATTENTION span than me?
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%
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does your DRESSING ROOM have enough ASPARAGUS?
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%
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DON'T go!! I'm not HOWARD COSELL!! I know POLISH JOKES ... WAIT!!
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Don't go!! I AM Howard Cosell! ... And I DON'T know Polish jokes!!
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%
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Don't hit me!! I'm in the Twilight Zone!!!
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%
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Don't SANFORIZE me!!
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%
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Don't worry, nobody really LISTENS to lectures in MOSCOW, either! ...
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FRENCH, HISTORY, ADVANCED CALCULUS, COMPUTER PROGRAMMING, BLACK
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STUDIES, SOCIOBIOLOGY! ... Are there any QUESTIONS??
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%
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Edwin Meese made me wear CORDOVANS!!
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%
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Eisenhower!! Your mimeograph machine upsets my stomach!!
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%
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Either CONFESS now or we go to "PEOPLE'S COURT"!!
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%
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Everybody gets free BORSCHT!
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%
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Everybody is going somewhere!! It's probably a garage sale or a
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disaster Movie!!
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%
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Everywhere I look I see NEGATIVITY and ASPHALT ...
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%
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Excuse me, but didn't I tell you there's NO HOPE for the survival of
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OFFSET PRINTING?
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%
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FEELINGS are cascading over me!!!
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%
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Finally, Zippy drives his 1958 RAMBLER METROPOLITAN into the faculty
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dining room.
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%
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First, I'm going to give you all the ANSWERS to today's test ... So
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just plug in your SONY WALKMANS and relax!!
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%
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FOOLED you! Absorb EGO SHATTERING impulse rays, polyester poltroon!!
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%
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for ARTIFICIAL FLAVORING!!
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%
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Four thousand different MAGNATES, MOGULS & NABOBS are romping in my
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gothic solarium!!
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%
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FROZEN ENTREES may be flung by members of opposing SWANSON SECTS ...
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%
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FUN is never having to say you're SUSHI!!
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%
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Gee, I feel kind of LIGHT in the head now, knowing I can't make my
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satellite dish PAYMENTS!
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%
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Gibble, Gobble, we ACCEPT YOU ...
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%
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Give them RADAR-GUIDED SKEE-BALL LANES and VELVEETA BURRITOS!!
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%
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Go on, EMOTE! I was RAISED on thought balloons!!
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%
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GOOD-NIGHT, everybody ... Now I have to go administer FIRST-AID to my
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pet LEISURE SUIT!!
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%
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HAIR TONICS, please!!
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%
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Half a mind is a terrible thing to waste!
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%
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Hand me a pair of leather pants and a CASIO keyboard -- I'm living for
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today!
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%
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Has everybody got HALVAH spread all over their ANKLES??
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%
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Has everybody got HALVAH spread all over their ANKLES?? ... Now, it's
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time to "HAVE A NAGEELA"!!
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%
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... he dominates the DECADENT SUBWAY SCENE.
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%
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He is the MELBA-BEING ... the ANGEL CAKE ... XEROX him ... XEROX him --
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%
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He probably just wants to take over my CELLS and then EXPLODE inside me
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like a BARREL of runny CHOPPED LIVER! Or maybe he'd like to
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PSYCHOLIGICALLY TERRORISE ME until I have no objection to a RIGHT-WING
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MILITARY TAKEOVER of my apartment!! I guess I should call AL PACINO!
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%
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HELLO KITTY gang terrorizes town, family STICKERED to death!
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%
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HELLO, everybody, I'm a HUMAN!!
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%
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Hello, GORRY-O!! I'm a GENIUS from HARVARD!!
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%
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Hello. I know the divorce rate among unmarried Catholic Alaskan
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females!!
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%
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Hello. Just walk along and try NOT to think about your INTESTINES
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being almost FORTY YARDS LONG!!
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%
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Hello... IRON CURTAIN? Send over a SAUSAGE PIZZA! World War III? No
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thanks!
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%
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Hello? Enema Bondage? I'm calling because I want to be happy, I
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guess ...
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%
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Here I am at the flea market but nobody is buying my urine sample
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bottles ...
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%
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Here I am in 53 B.C. and all I want is a dill pickle!!
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%
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Here I am in the POSTERIOR OLFACTORY LOBULE but I don't see CARL SAGAN
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anywhere!!
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%
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Here we are in America ... when do we collect unemployment?
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%
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Hey, wait a minute!! I want a divorce!! ... you're not Clint Eastwood!!
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%
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Hey, waiter! I want a NEW SHIRT and a PONY TAIL with lemon sauce!
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%
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Hiccuping & trembling into the WASTE DUMPS of New Jersey like some
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drunken CABBAGE PATCH DOLL, coughing in line at FIORUCCI'S!!
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%
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Hmmm ... a CRIPPLED ACCOUNTANT with a FALAFEL sandwich is HIT by a
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TROLLEY-CAR ...
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%
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Hmmm ... A hash-singer and a cross-eyed guy were SLEEPING on a deserted
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island, when ...
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%
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Hmmm ... a PINHEAD, during an EARTHQUAKE, encounters an ALL-MIDGET
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FIDDLE ORCHESTRA ... ha ... ha ...
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%
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Hmmm ... an arrogant bouquet with a subtle suggestion of POLYVINYL
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CHLORIDE ...
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%
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Hold the MAYO & pass the COSMIC AWARENESS ...
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%
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HOORAY, Ronald!! Now YOU can marry LINDA RONSTADT too!!
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%
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How do I get HOME?
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%
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How do you explain Wayne Newton's POWER over millions? It's th'
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MOUSTACHE ... Have you ever noticed th' way it radiates SINCERITY,
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HONESTY & WARMTH? It's a MOUSTACHE you want to take HOME and introduce
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to NANCY SINATRA!
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%
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How many retured bricklayers from FLORIDA are out purchasing PENCIL
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SHARPENERS right NOW??
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%
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How's it going in those MODULAR LOVE UNITS??
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%
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How's the wife? Is she at home enjoying capitalism?
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%
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hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub.
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%
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HUGH BEAUMONT died in 1982!!
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%
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HUMAN REPLICAS are inserted into VATS of NUTRITIONAL YEAST ...
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%
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I always have fun because I'm out of my mind!!!
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%
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I am a jelly donut. I am a jelly donut.
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%
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I am a traffic light, and Alan Ginzberg kidnapped my laundry in 1927!
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%
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I am covered with pure vegetable oil and I am writing a best seller!
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%
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I am deeply CONCERNED and I want something GOOD for BREAKFAST!
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%
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I am having FUN... I wonder if it's NET FUN or GROSS FUN?
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%
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I am NOT a nut....
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%
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I appoint you ambassador to Fantasy Island!!!
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%
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I brought my BOWLING BALL -- and some DRUGS!!
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%
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I can't decide which WRONG TURN to make first!!
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%
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I can't decide which WRONG TURN to make first!! I wonder if BOB
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GUCCIONE has these problems!
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%
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I can't think about that. It doesn't go with HEDGES in the shape of
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LITTLE LULU -- or ROBOTS making BRICKS ...
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%
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I demand IMPUNITY!
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%
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I didn't order any WOO-WOO ... Maybe a YUBBA ... But no WOO-WOO!
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%
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I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE ... I think it's all
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just a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell
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more numbers!!
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%
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... I don't know why but, suddenly, I want to discuss declining I.Q.
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LEVELS with a blue ribbon SENATE SUB-COMMITTEE!
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%
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I don't know WHY I said that ... I think it came from the FILLINGS in
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my read molars ...
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%
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||
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... I don't like FRANK SINATRA or his CHILDREN.
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%
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I don't understand the HUMOUR of the THREE STOOGES!!
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%
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I feel ... JUGULAR ...
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%
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I feel better about world problems now!
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%
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I feel like a wet parking meter on Darvon!
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%
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|
I feel like I am sharing a ``CORN-DOG'' with NIKITA KHRUSCHEV ...
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I feel like I'm in a Toilet Bowl with a thumbtack in my forehead!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I feel partially hydrogenated!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I fill MY industrial waste containers with old copies of the
|
||
|
|
"WATCHTOWER" and then add HAWAIIAN PUNCH to the top ... They look NICE
|
||
|
|
in the yard ...
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I guess it was all a DREAM ... or an episode of HAWAII FIVE-O ...
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I guess you guys got BIG MUSCLES from doing too much STUDYING!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I had a lease on an OEDIPUS COMPLEX back in '81 ...
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I had pancake makeup for brunch!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I have a TINY BOWL in my HEAD
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I have a very good DENTAL PLAN. Thank you.
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I have a VISION! It's a RANCID double-FISHWICH on an ENRICHED BUN!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I have accepted Provolone into my life!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I have many CHARTS and DIAGRAMS..
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
... I have read the INSTRUCTIONS ...
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
-- I have seen the FUN --
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I have seen these EGG EXTENDERS in my Supermarket ...
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I have seen these EGG EXTENDERS in my Supermarket ... I have read the
|
||
|
|
INSTRUCTIONS ...
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I have the power to HALT PRODUCTION on all TEENAGE SEX COMEDIES!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I HAVE to buy a new "DODGE MISER" and two dozen JORDACHE JEANS because
|
||
|
|
my viewscreen is "USER-FRIENDLY"!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I haven't been married in over six years, but we had sexual counseling
|
||
|
|
every day from Oral Roberts!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I hope I bought the right relish ... zzzzzzzzz ...
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I hope something GOOD came in the mail today so I have a REASON to
|
||
|
|
live!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I hope the ``Eurythmics'' practice birth control ...
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I hope you millionaires are having fun! I just invested half your life
|
||
|
|
savings in yeast!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I invented skydiving in 1989!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I joined scientology at a garage sale!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I just got my PRINCE bumper sticker ... But now I can't remember WHO he
|
||
|
|
is ...
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I just had a NOSE JOB!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I just had my entire INTESTINAL TRACT coated with TEFLON!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I just heard the SEVENTIES were over!! And I was just getting in touch
|
||
|
|
with my LEISURE SUIT!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I just remembered something about a TOAD!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I KAISER ROLL?! What good is a Kaiser Roll without a little COLE SLAW
|
||
|
|
on the SIDE?
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I Know A Joke
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I know how to do SPECIAL EFFECTS!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I know th'MAMBO!! I have a TWO-TONE CHEMISTRY SET!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I know things about TROY DONAHUE that can't even be PRINTED!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I left my WALLET in the BATHROOM!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I like the way ONLY their mouths move ... They look like DYING OYSTERS
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I like your SNOOPY POSTER!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
-- I love KATRINKA because she drives a PONTIAC. We're going away
|
||
|
|
now. I fed the cat.
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I love ROCK 'N ROLL! I memorized the all WORDS to "WIPE-OUT" in
|
||
|
|
1965!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I need to discuss BUY-BACK PROVISIONS with at least six studio
|
||
|
|
SLEAZEBALLS!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I once decorated my apartment entirely in ten foot salad forks!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I own seven-eighths of all the artists in downtown Burbank!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I put aside my copy of "BOWLING WORLD" and think about GUN CONTROL
|
||
|
|
legislation..
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I represent a sardine!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I request a weekend in Havana with Phil Silvers!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
... I see TOILET SEATS ...
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I selected E5 ... but I didn't hear "Sam the Sham and the Pharoahs"!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I smell a RANCID CORN DOG!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I smell like a wet reducing clinic on Columbus Day!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I think I am an overnight sensation right now!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
... I think I'd better go back to my DESK and toy with a few common
|
||
|
|
MISAPPREHENSIONS ...
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I think I'll KILL myself by leaping out of this 14th STORY WINDOW while
|
||
|
|
reading ERICA JONG'S poetry!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I think my career is ruined!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I used to be a FUNDAMENTALIST, but then I heard about the HIGH
|
||
|
|
RADIATION LEVELS and bought an ENCYCLOPEDIA!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
... I want a COLOR T.V. and a VIBRATING BED!!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I want a VEGETARIAN BURRITO to go ... with EXTRA MSG!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I want a WESSON OIL lease!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I want another RE-WRITE on my CEASAR SALAD!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I want EARS! I want two ROUND BLACK EARS to make me feel warm 'n
|
||
|
|
secure!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
... I want FORTY-TWO TRYNEL FLOATATION SYSTEMS installed within
|
||
|
|
SIX AND A HALF HOURS!!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I want the presidency so bad I can already taste the hors d'oeuvres.
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I want to dress you up as TALLULAH BANKHEAD and cover you with VASELINE
|
||
|
|
and WHEAT THINS ...
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I want to kill everyone here with a cute colorful Hydrogen Bomb!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I want to perform cranial activities with Tuesday Weld!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
... I want to perform cranial activities with Tuesday Weld!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I want to read my new poem about pork brains and outer space ...
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I want to so HAPPY, the VEINS in my neck STAND OUT!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I want you to MEMORIZE the collected poems of EDNA ST VINCENT MILLAY
|
||
|
|
... BACKWARDS!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I want you to organize my PASTRY trays ... my TEA-TINS are gleaming in
|
||
|
|
formation like a ROW of DRUM MAJORETTES -- please don't be FURIOUS with
|
||
|
|
me --
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I was born in a Hostess Cupcake factory before the sexual revolution!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I was making donuts and now I'm on a bus!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I wish I was a sex-starved manicurist found dead in the Bronx!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I wish I was on a Cincinnati street corner holding a clean dog!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I wonder if BOB GUCCIONE has these problems!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I wonder if I could ever get started in the credit world?
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I wonder if I ought to tell them about my PREVIOUS LIFE as a COMPLETE
|
||
|
|
STRANGER?
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I wonder if I should put myself in ESCROW!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I wonder if there's anything GOOD on tonight?
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I would like to urinate in an OVULAR, porcelain pool --
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I'd like MY data-base JULIENNED and stir-fried!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I'd like some JUNK FOOD ... and then I want to be ALONE --
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I'll eat ANYTHING that's BRIGHT BLUE!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I'll show you MY telex number if you show me YOURS ...
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I'm a fuschia bowling ball somewhere in Brittany
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I'm a GENIUS! I want to dispute sentence structure with SUSAN
|
||
|
|
SONTAG!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I'm a nuclear submarine under the polar ice cap and I need a Kleenex!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I'm also against BODY-SURFING!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I'm also pre-POURED pre-MEDITATED and pre-RAPHAELITE!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I'm ANN LANDERS!! I can SHOPLIFT!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I'm changing the CHANNEL ... But all I get is commercials for "RONCO
|
||
|
|
MIRACLE BAMBOO STEAMERS"!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I'm continually AMAZED at th'breathtaking effects of WIND EROSION!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I'm definitely not in Omaha!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I'm DESPONDENT ... I hope there's something DEEP-FRIED under this
|
||
|
|
miniature DOMED STADIUM ...
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I'm dressing up in an ill-fitting IVY-LEAGUE SUIT!! Too late...
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I'm EMOTIONAL now because I have MERCHANDISING CLOUT!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I'm encased in the lining of a pure pork sausage!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I'm GLAD I remembered to XEROX all my UNDERSHIRTS!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I'm gliding over a NUCLEAR WASTE DUMP near ATLANTA, Georgia!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I'm having a BIG BANG THEORY!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I'm having a MID-WEEK CRISIS!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I'm having a RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE ... and I don't take any DRUGS
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I'm having a tax-deductible experience! I need an energy crunch!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I'm having an emotional outburst!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I'm having an EMOTIONAL OUTBURST!! But, uh, WHY is there a WAFFLE in
|
||
|
|
my PAJAMA POCKET??
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I'm having BEAUTIFUL THOUGHTS about the INSIPID WIVES of smug and
|
||
|
|
wealthy CORPORATE LAWYERS ...
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I'm having fun HITCHHIKING to CINCINNATI or FAR ROCKAWAY!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM
|
||
|
|
of a KOSHER DELI --
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I'm in direct contact with many advanced fun CONCEPTS.
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I'm into SOFTWARE!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I'm meditating on the FORMALDEHYDE and the ASBESTOS leaking into my
|
||
|
|
PERSONAL SPACE!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I'm mentally OVERDRAWN! What's that SIGNPOST up ahead? Where's ROD
|
||
|
|
STERLING when you really need him?
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I'm not an Iranian!! I voted for Dianne Feinstein!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I'm not available for comment..
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I'm pretending I'm pulling in a TROUT! Am I doing it correctly??
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I'm pretending that we're all watching PHIL SILVERS instead of RICARDO
|
||
|
|
MONTALBAN!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I'm QUIETLY reading the latest issue of "BOWLING WORLD" while my wife
|
||
|
|
and two children stand QUIETLY BY ...
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I'm rated PG-34!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I'm receiving a coded message from EUBIE BLAKE!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I'm RELIGIOUS!! I love a man with a HAIRPIECE!! Equip me with
|
||
|
|
MISSILES!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I'm reporting for duty as a modern person. I want to do the Latin
|
||
|
|
Hustle now!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I'm shaving!! I'M SHAVING!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I'm sitting on my SPEED QUEEN ... To me, it's ENJOYABLE ... I'm WARM
|
||
|
|
... I'm VIBRATORY ...
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I'm thinking about DIGITAL READ-OUT systems and computer-generated
|
||
|
|
IMAGE FORMATIONS ...
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I'm totally DESPONDENT over the LIBYAN situation and the price of
|
||
|
|
CHICKEN ...
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I'm using my X-RAY VISION to obtain a rare glimpse of the INNER
|
||
|
|
WORKINGS of this POTATO!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I'm wearing PAMPERS!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I'm wet! I'm wild!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I'm young ... I'm HEALTHY ... I can HIKE THRU CAPT GROGAN'S LUMBAR
|
||
|
|
REGIONS!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I'm ZIPPY the PINHEAD and I'm totally committed to the festive mode.
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I've got a COUSIN who works in the GARMENT DISTRICT ...
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I've got an IDEA!! Why don't I STARE at you so HARD, you forget your
|
||
|
|
SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I've read SEVEN MILLION books!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
... ich bin in einem dusenjet ins jahr 53 vor chr ... ich lande im
|
||
|
|
antiken Rom ... einige gladiatoren spielen scrabble ... ich rieche
|
||
|
|
PIZZA ...
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
If a person is FAMOUS in this country, they have to go on the ROAD for
|
||
|
|
MONTHS at a time and have their name misspelled on the SIDE of a
|
||
|
|
GREYHOUND SCENICRUISER!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
If elected, Zippy pledges to each and every American a 55-year-old
|
||
|
|
houseboy ...
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
If I am elected no one will ever have to do their laundry again!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be
|
||
|
|
replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
If I felt any more SOPHISTICATED I would DIE of EMBARRASSMENT!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
If I had a Q-TIP, I could prevent th' collapse of NEGOTIATIONS!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
... If I had heart failure right now, I couldn't be a more fortunate
|
||
|
|
man!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
If I pull this SWITCH I'll be RITA HAYWORTH!! Or a SCIENTOLOGIST!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
if it GLISTENS, gobble it!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
If our behavior is strict, we do not need fun!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
If Robert Di Niro assassinates Walter Slezak, will Jodie Foster marry
|
||
|
|
Bonzo??
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
In 1962, you could buy a pair of SHARKSKIN SLACKS, with a "Continental
|
||
|
|
Belt," for $10.99!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
In Newark the laundromats are open 24 hours a day!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
INSIDE, I have the same personality disorder as LUCY RICARDO!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Inside, I'm already SOBBING!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Is a tattoo real, like a curb or a battleship? Or are we suffering in
|
||
|
|
Safeway?
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Is he the MAGIC INCA carrying a FROG on his shoulders?? Is the FROG
|
||
|
|
his GUIDELIGHT?? It is curious that a DOG runs already on the
|
||
|
|
ESCALATOR ...
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Is it 1974? What's for SUPPER? Can I spend my COLLEGE FUND in one
|
||
|
|
wild afternoon??
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Is it clean in other dimensions?
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Is it NOUVELLE CUISINE when 3 olives are struggling with a scallop in a
|
||
|
|
plate of SAUCE MORNAY?
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Is something VIOLENT going to happen to a GARBAGE CAN?
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Is this an out-take from the "BRADY BUNCH"?
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Is this going to involve RAW human ecstasy?
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Is this TERMINAL fun?
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Is this the line for the latest whimsical YUGOSLAVIAN drama which also
|
||
|
|
makes you want to CRY and reconsider the VIETNAM WAR?
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Isn't this my STOP?!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
It don't mean a THING if you ain't got that SWING!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
It was a JOKE!! Get it?? I was receiving messages from DAVID
|
||
|
|
LETTERMAN!! YOW!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
It's a lot of fun being alive ... I wonder if my bed is made?!?
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
It's NO USE ... I've gone to "CLUB MED"!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
It's OBVIOUS ... The FURS never reached ISTANBUL ... You were an EXTRA
|
||
|
|
in the REMAKE of "TOPKAPI" ... Go home to your WIFE ... She's making
|
||
|
|
FRENCH TOAST!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
It's OKAY -- I'm an INTELLECTUAL, too.
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
It's the RINSE CYCLE!! They've ALL IGNORED the RINSE CYCLE!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
JAPAN is a WONDERFUL planet -- I wonder if we'll ever reach their level
|
||
|
|
of COMPARATIVE SHOPPING ...
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Jesuit priests are DATING CAREER DIPLOMATS!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Jesus is my POSTMASTER GENERAL ...
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Kids, don't gross me off ... "Adventures with MENTAL HYGIENE" can be
|
||
|
|
carried too FAR!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Kids, the seven basic food groups are GUM, PUFF PASTRY, PIZZA,
|
||
|
|
PESTICIDES, ANTIBIOTICS, NUTRA-SWEET and MILK DUDS!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Laundry is the fifth dimension!! ... um ... um ... th' washing machine
|
||
|
|
is a black hole and the pink socks are bus drivers who just fell in!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
LBJ, LBJ, how many JOKES did you tell today??!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Leona, I want to CONFESS things to you ... I want to WRAP you in a
|
||
|
|
SCARLET ROBE trimmed with POLYVINYL CHLORIDE ... I want to EMPTY your
|
||
|
|
ASHTRAYS ...
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Let me do my TRIBUTE to FISHNET STOCKINGS ...
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Let's all show human CONCERN for REVERAND MOON's legal difficulties!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Let's send the Russians defective lifestyle accessories!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Life is a POPULARITY CONTEST! I'm REFRESHINGLY CANDID!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Like I always say -- nothing can beat the BRATWURST here in DUSSELDORF!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Loni Anderson's hair should be LEGALIZED!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Look DEEP into the OPENINGS!! Do you see any ELVES or EDSELS ... or a
|
||
|
|
HIGHBALL?? ...
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Look into my eyes and try to forget that you have a Macy's charge
|
||
|
|
card!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Look! A ladder! Maybe it leads to heaven, or a sandwich!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
LOOK!! Sullen American teens wearing MADRAS shorts and "Flock of
|
||
|
|
Seagulls" HAIRCUTS!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Make me look like LINDA RONSTADT again!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Mary Tyler Moore's SEVENTH HUSBAND is wearing my DACRON TANK TOP in a
|
||
|
|
cheap hotel in HONOLULU!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Maybe we could paint GOLDIE HAWN a rich PRUSSIAN BLUE --
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
MERYL STREEP is my obstetrician!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
MMM-MM!! So THIS is BIO-NEBULATION!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Mmmmmm-MMMMMM!! A plate of STEAMING PIECES of a PIG mixed with the
|
||
|
|
shreds of SEVERAL CHICKENS!! ... Oh BOY!! I'm about to swallow a
|
||
|
|
TORN-OFF section of a COW'S LEFT LEG soaked in COTTONSEED OIL and
|
||
|
|
SUGAR!! ... Let's see ... Next, I'll have the GROUND-UP flesh of CUTE,
|
||
|
|
BABY LAMBS fried in the MELTED, FATTY TISSUES from a warm-blooded
|
||
|
|
animal someone once PETTED!! ... YUM!! That was GOOD!! For DESSERT,
|
||
|
|
I'll have a TOFU BURGER with BEAN SPROUTS on a stone-ground, WHOLE
|
||
|
|
WHEAT BUN!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Mr and Mrs PED, can I borrow 26.7% of the RAYON TEXTILE production of
|
||
|
|
the INDONESIAN archipelago?
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
My Aunt MAUREEN was a military advisor to IKE & TINA TURNER!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
My BIOLOGICAL ALARM CLOCK just went off ... It has noiseless DOZE
|
||
|
|
FUNCTION and full kitchen!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
My CODE of ETHICS is vacationing at famed SCHROON LAKE in upstate New
|
||
|
|
York!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
My EARS are GONE!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
My face is new, my license is expired, and I'm under a doctor's
|
||
|
|
care!!!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
My haircut is totally traditional!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
MY income is ALL disposable!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
My LESLIE GORE record is BROKEN ...
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
My life is a patio of fun!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
My mind is a potato field ...
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
My mind is making ashtrays in Dayton ...
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
My nose feels like a bad Ronald Reagan movie ...
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
my NOSE is NUMB!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
... My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling
|
||
|
|
Alley!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
My pants just went to high school in the Carlsbad Caverns!!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
My polyvinyl cowboy wallet was made in Hong Kong by Montgomery Clift!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
My uncle Murray conquered Egypt in 53 B.C. And I can prove it too!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
My vaseline is RUNNING...
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
NANCY!! Why is everything RED?!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
NATHAN ... your PARENTS were in a CARCRASH!! They're VOIDED -- They
|
||
|
|
COLLAPSED They had no CHAINSAWS ... They had no MONEY MACHINES ... They
|
||
|
|
did PILLS in SKIMPY GRASS SKIRTS ... Nathan, I EMULATED them ... but
|
||
|
|
they were OFF-KEY ...
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
NEWARK has been REZONED!! DES MOINES has been REZONED!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Nipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKLES, wrinkles, pimples!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Not SENSUOUS ... only "FROLICSOME" ... and in need of DENTAL WORK ...
|
||
|
|
in PAIN!!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Now I am depressed ...
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Now I think I just reached the state of HYPERTENSION that comes JUST
|
||
|
|
BEFORE you see the TOTAL at the SAFEWAY CHECKOUT COUNTER!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Now I understand the meaning of "THE MOD SQUAD"!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Now I'm being INVOLUNTARILY shuffled closer to the CLAM DIP with the
|
||
|
|
BROKEN PLASTIC FORKS in it!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Now I'm concentrating on a specific tank battle toward the end of World
|
||
|
|
War II!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Now I'm having INSIPID THOUGHTS about the beatiful, round wives of
|
||
|
|
HOLLYWOOD MOVIE MOGULS encased in PLEXIGLASS CARS and being approached
|
||
|
|
by SMALL BOYS selling FRUIT ...
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Now KEN and BARBIE are PERMANENTLY ADDICTED to MIND-ALTERING DRUGS ...
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Now my EMOTIONAL RESOURCES are heavily committed to 23% of the SMELTING
|
||
|
|
and REFINING industry of the state of NEVADA!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Now that I have my "APPLE", I comprehend COST ACCOUNTING!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
... Now, it's time to "HAVE A NAGEELA"!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Now, let's SEND OUT for QUICHE!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Of course, you UNDERSTAND about the PLAIDS in the SPIN CYCLE --
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Oh my GOD -- the SUN just fell into YANKEE STADIUM!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Oh, I get it!! "The BEACH goes on", huh, SONNY??
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Okay ... I'm going home to write the "I HATE RUBIK's CUBE HANDBOOK FOR
|
||
|
|
DEAD CAT LOVERS" ...
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
OKAY!! Turn on the sound ONLY for TRYNEL CARPETING, FULLY-EQUIPPED
|
||
|
|
R.V.'S and FLOATATION SYSTEMS!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS?? Oh, YEH!! First you need 4 GALLONS of JELL-O
|
||
|
|
and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th'WRENCH in the JELL-O as if
|
||
|
|
it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... ... or ... I ... um ... WHERE'S
|
||
|
|
the WASHING MACHINES?
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
On SECOND thought, maybe I'll heat up some BAKED BEANS and watch REGIS
|
||
|
|
PHILBIN ... It's GREAT to be ALIVE!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
On the other hand, life can be an endless parade of TRANSSEXUAL
|
||
|
|
QUILTING BEES aboard a cruise ship to DISNEYWORLD if only we let it!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a
|
||
|
|
POINT.
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Once upon a time, four AMPHIBIOUS HOG CALLERS attacked a family of
|
||
|
|
DEFENSELESS, SENSITIVE COIN COLLECTORS and brought DOWN their PROPERTY
|
||
|
|
VALUES!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Once, there was NO fun ... This was before MENU planning, FASHION
|
||
|
|
statements or NAUTILUS equipment ... Then, in 1985 ... FUN was
|
||
|
|
completely encoded in this tiny MICROCHIP ... It contain 14,768 vaguely
|
||
|
|
amusing SIT-COM pilots!! We had to wait FOUR BILLION years but we
|
||
|
|
finally got JERRY LEWIS, MTV and a large selection of creme-filled
|
||
|
|
snack cakes!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
One FISHWICH coming up!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
ONE: I will donate my entire "BABY HUEY" comic book collection to
|
||
|
|
the downtown PLASMA CENTER ...
|
||
|
|
TWO: I won't START a BAND called "KHADAFY & THE HIT SQUAD" ...
|
||
|
|
THREE: I won't ever TUMBLE DRY my FOX TERRIER again!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
... or were you driving the PONTIAC that HONKED at me in MIAMI last
|
||
|
|
Tuesday?
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Our father who art in heaven ... I sincerely pray that SOMEBODY at this
|
||
|
|
table will PAY for my SHREDDED WHAT and ENGLISH MUFFIN ... and also
|
||
|
|
leave a GENEROUS TIP ....
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
over in west Philadelphia a puppy is vomiting ...
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
OVER the underpass! UNDER the overpass! Around the FUTURE and BEYOND
|
||
|
|
REPAIR!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
PARDON me, am I speaking ENGLISH?
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Pardon me, but do you know what it means to be TRULY ONE with your
|
||
|
|
BOOTH!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
PEGGY FLEMMING is stealing BASKET BALLS to feed the babies in VERMONT.
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
PIZZA!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Place me on a BUFFER counter while you BELITTLE several BELLHOPS in the
|
||
|
|
Trianon Room!! Let me one of your SUBSIDIARIES!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Please come home with me ... I have Tylenol!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Psychoanalysis?? I thought this was a nude rap session!!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
PUNK ROCK!! DISCO DUCK!! BIRTH CONTROL!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
RELATIVES!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Remember, in 2039, MOUSSE & PASTA will be available ONLY by
|
||
|
|
prescription!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
RHAPSODY in Glue!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
SANTA CLAUS comes down a FIRE ESCAPE wearing bright blue LEG WARMERS
|
||
|
|
... He scrubs the POPE with a mild soap or detergent for 15 minutes,
|
||
|
|
starring JANE FONDA!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Send your questions to ``ASK ZIPPY'', Box 40474, San Francisco, CA
|
||
|
|
94140, USA
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
SHHHH!! I hear SIX TATTOOED TRUCK-DRIVERS tossing ENGINE BLOCKS into
|
||
|
|
empty OIL DRUMS ...
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Should I do my BOBBIE VINTON medley?
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Should I get locked in the PRINCICAL'S OFFICE today -- or have a
|
||
|
|
VASECTOMY??
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Should I start with the time I SWITCHED personalities with a BEATNIK
|
||
|
|
hair stylist or my failure to refer five TEENAGERS to a good OCULIST?
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Sign my PETITION.
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
So this is what it feels like to be potato salad
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
So, if we convert SUPPLY-SIDE SOYABEAN FUTURES into HIGH-YIELD T-BILL
|
||
|
|
INDICATORS, the PRE-INFLATIONARY risks will DWINDLE to a rate of 2
|
||
|
|
SHOPPING SPREES per EGGPLANT!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
someone in DAYTON, Ohio is selling USED CARPETS to a SERBO-CROATIAN
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Sometime in 1993 NANCY SINATRA will lead a BLOODLESS COUP on GUAM!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Somewhere in DOWNTOWN BURBANK a prostitute is OVERCOOKING a LAMB
|
||
|
|
CHOP!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Somewhere in suburban Honolulu, an unemployed bellhop is whipping up a
|
||
|
|
batch of illegal psilocybin chop suey!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Somewhere in Tenafly, New Jersey, a chiropractor is viewing "Leave it
|
||
|
|
to Beaver"!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Spreading peanut butter reminds me of opera!! I wonder why?
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
TAILFINS!! ... click ...
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Talking Pinhead Blues:
|
||
|
|
Oh, I LOST my ``HELLO KITTY'' DOLL and I get BAD reception on channel
|
||
|
|
TWENTY-SIX!!
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Th'HOSTESS FACTORY is closin' down and I just heard ZASU PITTS has been
|
||
|
|
DEAD for YEARS.. (sniff)
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
My PLATFORM SHOE collection was CHEWED up by th' dog, ALEXANDER HAIG
|
||
|
|
won't let me take a SHOWER 'til Easter ... (snurf)
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
So I went to the kitchen, but WALNUT PANELING whup me upside mah HAID!!
|
||
|
|
(on no, no, no.. Heh, heh)
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
TAPPING? You POLITICIANS! Don't you realize that the END of the "Wash
|
||
|
|
Cycle" is a TREASURED MOMENT for most people?!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Tex SEX! The HOME of WHEELS! The dripping of COFFEE!! Take me to
|
||
|
|
Minnesota but don't EMBARRASS me!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Th' MIND is the Pizza Palace of th' SOUL
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Thank god!! ... It's HENNY YOUNGMAN!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
The appreciation of the average visual graphisticator alone is worth
|
||
|
|
the whole suaveness and decadence which abounds!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
The entire CHINESE WOMEN'S VOLLEYBALL TEAM all share ONE personality --
|
||
|
|
and have since BIRTH!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
The fact that 47 PEOPLE are yelling and sweat is cascading down my
|
||
|
|
SPINAL COLUMN is fairly enjoyable!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
The FALAFEL SANDWICH lands on my HEAD and I become a VEGETARIAN ...
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
... the HIGHWAY is made out of LIME JELLO and my HONDA is a barbequeued
|
||
|
|
OYSTER! Yum!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
The Korean War must have been fun.
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
The Osmonds! You are all Osmonds!! Throwing up on a freeway at
|
||
|
|
dawn!!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
The PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY is CRYING for an END to BURT REYNOLDS movies!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
The PINK SOCKS were ORIGINALLY from 1952!! But they went to MARS
|
||
|
|
around 1953!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
The SAME WAVE keeps coming in and COLLAPSING like a rayon MUU-MUU ...
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
There's a little picture of ED MCMAHON doing BAD THINGS to JOAN RIVERS
|
||
|
|
in a $200,000 MALIBU BEACH HOUSE!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
There's enough money here to buy 5000 cans of Noodle-Roni!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
These PRESERVES should be FORCE-FED to PENTAGON OFFICIALS!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
They collapsed ... like nuns in the street ... they had no teen
|
||
|
|
appeal!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
This ASEXUAL PIG really BOILS my BLOOD ... He's so ... so ... URGENT!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
This is a NO-FRILLS flight -- hold th' CANADIAN BACON!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
This MUST be a good party -- My RIB CAGE is being painfully pressed up
|
||
|
|
against someone's MARTINI!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
... this must be what it's like to be a COLLEGE GRADUATE!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
This PIZZA symbolizes my COMPLETE EMOTIONAL RECOVERY!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
This PORCUPINE knows his ZIPCODE ... And he has "VISA"!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
This TOPS OFF my partygoing experience! Someone I DON'T LIKE is
|
||
|
|
talking to me about a HEART-WARMING European film ...
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Those aren't WINOS -- that's my JUGGLER, my AERIALIST, my SWORD
|
||
|
|
SWALLOWER, and my LATEX NOVELTY SUPPLIER!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Thousands of days of civilians ... have produced a ... feeling for the
|
||
|
|
aesthetic modules --
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Today, THREE WINOS from DETROIT sold me a framed photo of TAB HUNTER
|
||
|
|
before his MAKEOVER!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Toes, knees, NIPPLES. Toes, knees, nipples, KNUCKLES ...
|
||
|
|
Nipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKLES, wrinkles, pimples!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
TONY RANDALL! Is YOUR life a PATIO of FUN??
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Uh-oh -- WHY am I suddenly thinking of a VENERABLE religious leader
|
||
|
|
frolicking on a FORT LAUDERDALE weekend?
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Uh-oh!! I forgot to submit to COMPULSORY URINALYSIS!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
UH-OH!! I put on "GREAT HEAD-ON TRAIN COLLISIONS of the 50's" by
|
||
|
|
mistake!!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
UH-OH!! I think KEN is OVER-DUE on his R.V. PAYMENTS and HE'S having a
|
||
|
|
NERVOUS BREAKDOWN too!! Ha ha.
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Uh-oh!! I'm having TOO MUCH FUN!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
UH-OH!! We're out of AUTOMOBILE PARTS and RUBBER GOODS!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Used staples are good with SOY SAUCE!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
VICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and
|
||
|
|
TAX-DEFERRED!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Wait ... is this a FUN THING or the END of LIFE in Petticoat
|
||
|
|
Junction??
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Was my SOY LOAF left out in th'RAIN? It tastes REAL GOOD!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
We are now enjoying total mutual interaction in an imaginary hot
|
||
|
|
tub ...
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
We have DIFFERENT amounts of HAIR --
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
We just joined the civil hair patrol!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
We place two copies of PEOPLE magazine in a DARK, HUMID mobile home.
|
||
|
|
45 minutes later CYNDI LAUPER emerges wearing a BIRD CAGE on her head!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Well, here I am in AMERICA.. I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE it. I
|
||
|
|
HATE it. I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE ...
|
||
|
|
EMOTIONS are SWEEPING over me!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Well, I'm a classic ANAL RETENTIVE!! And I'm looking for a way to
|
||
|
|
VICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Well, I'm INVISIBLE AGAIN ... I might as well pay a visit to the LADIES
|
||
|
|
ROOM ...
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Well, O.K. I'll compromise with my principles because of EXISTENTIAL
|
||
|
|
DESPAIR!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Were these parsnips CORRECTLY MARINATED in TACO SAUCE?
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
What a COINCIDENCE! I'm an authorized "SNOOTS OF THE STARS" dealer!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
What GOOD is a CARDBOARD suitcase ANYWAY?
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
What I need is a MATURE RELATIONSHIP with a FLOPPY DISK ...
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
What I want to find out is -- do parrots know much about Astro-Turf?
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
What PROGRAM are they watching?
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
What UNIVERSE is this, please??
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
What's the MATTER Sid? ... Is your BEVERAGE unsatisfactory?
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
When I met th'POPE back in '58, I scrubbed him with a MILD SOAP or
|
||
|
|
DETERGENT for 15 minutes. He seemed to enjoy it ...
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
When this load is DONE I think I'll wash it AGAIN ...
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
When you get your PH.D. will you get able to work at BURGER KING?
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
When you said "HEAVILY FORESTED" it reminded me of an overdue CLEANING
|
||
|
|
BILL ... Don't you SEE? O'Grogan SWALLOWED a VALUABLE COIN COLLECTION
|
||
|
|
and HAD to murder the ONLY MAN who KNEW!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Where do your SOCKS go when you lose them in th' WASHER?
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Where does it go when you flush?
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Where's SANDY DUNCAN?
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Where's th' DAFFY DUCK EXHIBIT??
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Where's the Coke machine? Tell me a joke!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
While my BRAINPAN is being refused service in BURGER KING, Jesuit
|
||
|
|
priests are DATING CAREER DIPLOMATS!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
While you're chewing, think of STEVEN SPIELBERG'S bank account ... his
|
||
|
|
will have the same effect as two "STARCH BLOCKERS"!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
WHO sees a BEACH BUNNY sobbing on a SHAG RUG?!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
WHOA!! Ken and Barbie are having TOO MUCH FUN!! It must be the
|
||
|
|
NEGATIVE IONS!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Why are these athletic shoe salesmen following me??
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Why don't you ever enter and CONTESTS, Marvin?? Don't you know your
|
||
|
|
own ZIPCODE?
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Why is everything made of Lycra Spandex?
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Why is it that when you DIE, you can't take your HOME ENTERTAINMENT
|
||
|
|
CENTER with you??
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Will it improve my CASH FLOW?
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Will the third world war keep "Bosom Buddies" off the air?
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Will this never-ending series of PLEASURABLE EVENTS never cease?
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
With YOU, I can be MYSELF ... We don't NEED Dan Rather ...
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
World War III? No thanks!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced
|
||
|
|
dress code!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Wow! Look!! A stray meatball!! Let's interview it!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Xerox your lunch and file it under "sex offenders"!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Yes, but will I see the EASTER BUNNY in skintight leather at an IRON
|
||
|
|
MAIDEN concert?
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
You can't hurt me!! I have an ASSUMABLE MORTGAGE!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
You mean now I can SHOOT YOU in the back and further BLUR th'
|
||
|
|
distinction between FANTASY and REALITY?
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
You mean you don't want to watch WRESTLING from ATLANTA?
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
YOU PICKED KARL MALDEN'S NOSE!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
You should all JUMP UP AND DOWN for TWO HOURS while I decide on a NEW
|
||
|
|
CAREER!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
You were s'posed to laugh!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
YOU!! Give me the CUTEST, PINKEST, most charming little VICTORIAN
|
||
|
|
DOLLHOUSE you can find!! An make it SNAPPY!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Your CHEEKS sit like twin NECTARINES above a MOUTH that knows no BOUNDS --
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Youth of today! Join me in a mass rally for traditional mental
|
||
|
|
attitudes!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Yow!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Yow! Am I having fun yet?
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Yow! Am I in Milwaukee?
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Yow! And then we could sit on the hoods of cars at stop lights!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Yow! Are we laid back yet?
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Yow! Are we wet yet?
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Yow! Are you the self-frying president?
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Yow! Did something bad happen or am I in a drive-in movie??
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Yow! I just went below the poverty line!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Yow! I threw up on my window!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Yow! I want my nose in lights!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Yow! I want to mail a bronzed artichoke to Nicaragua!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Yow! I'm having a quadrophonic sensation of two winos alone in a steel
|
||
|
|
mill!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Yow! I'm imagining a surfer van filled with soy sauce!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Yow! Is my fallout shelter termite proof?
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Yow! Is this sexual intercourse yet?? Is it, huh, is it??
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Yow! It's a hole all the way to downtown Burbank!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Yow! It's some people inside the wall! This is better than mopping!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Yow! Maybe I should have asked for my Neutron Bomb in PAISLEY --
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Yow! Now I get to think about all the BAD THINGS I did to a BOWLING
|
||
|
|
BALL when I was in JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Yow! Now we can become alcoholics!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Yow! Those people look exactly like Donnie and Marie Osmond!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Yow! We're going to a new disco!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
YOW!! Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
YOW!! I'm in a very clever and adorable INSANE ASYLUM!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
YOW!! Now I understand advanced MICROBIOLOGY and th' new TAX REFORM
|
||
|
|
laws!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
YOW!! The land of the rising SONY!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
YOW!! Up ahead! It's a DONUT HUT!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
YOW!! What should the entire human race DO?? Consume a fifth of
|
||
|
|
CHIVAS REGAL, ski NUDE down MT. EVEREST, and have a wild SEX WEEKEND!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
YOW!!! I am having fun!!!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Zippy's brain cells are straining to bridge synapses ...
|