diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes index 1d0ccf490b23..7b5120be93f8 100644 --- a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes +++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes @@ -772,40 +772,6 @@ one a male, one a female, looking suspiciously overstuffed. They killed the female, autopsied her, and sure enough, found the German and the Pole. "What do you think?" said the first ranger. "The Czech is in the male," replied the second. -% - A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical -island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that -could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands. They -were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of -the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to -the snake's head. Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head -downward to break the snake's spine. All went well for the landing, the -charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle. At one foxhole site, two -men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner. -Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with -blood. He collapsed to the ground. His buddies were so shocked they could -only blurt out, "What happened?" - "I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the -ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me. I -grabbed its tail end with my left hand. I placed my right hand above my left -hand. I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of -the snake. When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down -to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?" -% - A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved -dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his -brother and inquires after his pet. - "Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly. - The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me," -he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way -of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got -outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a -corner...' or something...? Why are you always so thoughtless?" - "Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think." - "Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us. How are you anyway? -How's Mom?" - His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got -outside one day..." % A hard-luck actor who appeared in one colossal disaster after another finally got a break, a broken leg to be exact. Someone pointed out that it's @@ -1136,12 +1102,6 @@ has killed them all. went out to be killed? The Pole pulls a bottle of vodka from the other side of his jacket. He smiles and replies, "Five men on one bottle -- too many." -% - A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon -two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what -I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man". - As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, -he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing." % A program should be light and agile, its subroutines connected like a strings of pearls. The spirit and intent of the program should be retained @@ -1360,16 +1320,6 @@ cattle. We shall bury him in it." realize the full significance of Pharoah's oxhide!" -- Grendel Briarton "Through Time & Space With Ferdinand Feghoot!" -% - After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient -earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several -minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help. - "No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a -name for my baby." - "But the hospital supplies a special booklet that lists hundreds -of first names and their meanings," said the orderly. - "That won't help," said the woman, "my baby already has a first -name." % All I really need to know about how to live and what to do and how to be I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the @@ -1469,26 +1419,6 @@ generalizable. the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first one. The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile". -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month" -% - An eighty-year-old woman is rocking away the afternoon on her -porch when she sees an old, tarnished lamp sitting near the steps. She -picks it up, rubs it gently, and lo and behold a genie appears! The genie -tells the woman the he will grant her any three wishes her heart desires. - After a bit of thought, she says, "I wish I were young and -beautiful!" And POOF! In a cloud of smoke she becomes a young, beautiful, -voluptuous woman. - After a little more thought, she says, "I would like to be rich -for the rest of my life." And POOF! When the smoke clears, there are -stacks and stacks of money lying on the porch. - The genie then says, "Now, madam, what is your final wish?" - "Well," says the woman, "I would like for you to transform my -faithful old cat, whom I have loved dearly for fifteen years, into a young -handsome prince!" - And with another billow of smoke the cat is changed into a tall, -handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform. - As they gaze at each other in adoration, the prince leans over to -the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me -fixed?" % An elderly man stands in line for hours at a Warsaw meat store (meat is severely rationed). When the butcher comes out at the end of the day and @@ -1551,14 +1481,6 @@ can at least make a decision." young welp with a masochistic streak who would like to run the most up-and-down bureaucracy in the history of mankind." -- R. L. Forward, "Flight of the Dragonfly" -% - "Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best -to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the -posh hotel. - "No. No, thank you," replied the gentleman. - "Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked. - "Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman. "Would you bring me -a postcard?" % "Anything else you wish to draw to my attention, Mr. Holmes ?" "The curious incident of the stable dog in the nighttime." @@ -1931,52 +1853,16 @@ of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind." said the Duck: "it's generally a frog or a worm. The question is, what did the archbishop find?" -% - Four Oxford dons were taking their evening walk together and as -usual, were engaged in casual but learned conversation. On this particular -evening, their conversation was about the names given to groups of animals, -such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese." - One of the professors noticed a group of prostitutes down the block, -and posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?" The four -fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities... - At last, one spoke: "How about `a Jam of Tarts'?" The others nodded -in acknowledgment as they continued to consider the problem. A second -professor spoke: "I'd suggest `an Essay of Trollops.'" Again, the others -nodded. A third spoke: "I propose `a Flourish of Strumpets.'" - They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor -remarked to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of -the four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies. What are your -thoughts?" - Replied the fourth professor, "`An Anthology of Prose.'" % Fred noticed his roommate had a black eye upon returning from a dance. "What happened?" "I was struck by the beauty of the place." -% - Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their -engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who -was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy -and sarcastic?" - "Of course not," said a sympathetic friend. - "Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer." % "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at Morse Science High has an extracurricular activity except you." "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?" "Only to ten, Mudhead." -- The Firesign Theatre -% - "Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning -to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this -beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a -dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little -apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours -in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?" -% - God decided to take the devil to court and settle their -differences once and for all. - When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just -where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?" % Graduating seniors, parents and friends... Let me begin by reassuring you that my remarks today will stand up @@ -2049,33 +1935,6 @@ not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seek fortune, for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time." Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes. -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" -% - Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home -from the club to an irate, ranting wife. - "I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly. "You -promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost -nine. It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf." - "Honey, wait," said Harry. "Let me explain. I know what I promised -you, but I have a very good reason for being late. Fred and I tee'd off -right on time and everything was fine for the first three holes. Then, on -the fourth tee Fred had a stroke. I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't -find a doctor. And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead. So, for -the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred... -% - Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism. -No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have -been worse." - To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a -situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no -hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said, -"Harry! Did you hear what happened to George? He came home last night, -found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned -the gun on himself!" - "Terrible," said Harry. "But it could have been worse." - "How in hell," demanded his dumbfounded friend, "could it possibly -have been worse?" - "Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be -dead right now." % "Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?" "Yes; I don't have one." @@ -2111,13 +1970,6 @@ self-propagating. lessening mine; as he who lights his taper at mine receives light without darkening me. -- Thomas Jefferson on patents on ideas -% - "Heard you were moving your piano, so I came over to help." - "Thanks. Got it upstairs already." - "Do it alone?" - "Nope. Hitched the cat to it." - "How would that help?" - "Used a whip." % "Hey, Sam, how about a loan?" "Whattaya need?" @@ -2181,11 +2033,6 @@ could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a nanocentury. "How would I know if I believe in love at first sight?" the sexy social climber said to her roommate. "I mean, I've never seen a Porsche full of money before." -% - "How'd you get that flat?" - "Ran over a bottle." - "Didn't you see it?" - "Damn kid had it under his coat." % Human thinking can skip over a great deal, leap over small misunderstandings, can contain ifs and buts in untroubled corners of @@ -2198,11 +2045,6 @@ remains unknown. In the painstaking working out of the specification, line by code line, the programmer confronts an awful, inevitable truth: The ways of human and machine understanding are disjunct. -- Ellen Ullman, "Close to the Machine" -% - "I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into -the phone. "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information." - "Who was that?" his young wife asked. - "Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear." % "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frito Bugger in a quavering voice. @@ -2495,11 +2337,6 @@ you can call. Nobody knows anybody else's name; just the number in case it gets so bad you can't handle it alone. We're isolates, Arnold. Meetings would destroy the whole point of it." -- Thomas Pynchon, "The Crying of Lot 49" -% - "I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the -young man to his father as he prepared to leave home. "Don't try to stop me. -I'm on my way." - "Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father. "Take me along!" % I'm sure that VMS is completely documented, I just haven't found the right manual yet. I've been working my way through the manuals in the document @@ -2557,20 +2394,6 @@ lawyers and 700 accountants. This suggests that "the U.S. proportion of pie-bakers and pie-dividers is way out of whack." Could Dick Butcher have been an efficiency expert? -- Motor Trend, May 1983 -% - In the beginning, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be -mud." - And there was mud. - And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud -can see what we have done." - And God created every living creature that now moveth, and one was -man. Mud-as-man alone could speak. - "What is the purpose of all this?" man asked politely. - "Everything must have a purpose?" asked God. - "Certainly," said man. - "Then I leave it to you to think of one for all of this," said God. - And He went away. - -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "Between Time and Timbuktu" % In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null, and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of @@ -2925,11 +2748,6 @@ earth, priests subordinate to the Pope and serfs to their lord. But the Church soon made its peace with Galileo's cosmology. They had no choice; the earth really does revolve about the sun. -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man" -% - "My mother," said the sweet young steno, "says there are some things -a girl should not do before twenty." - "Your mother is right," said the executive, "I don't like a large -audience, either." % NEW YORK -- Kraft Foods, Inc. announced today that its board of directors unanimously rejected the $11 billion takeover bid by Philip @@ -3726,14 +3544,6 @@ and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So Coca-Cola was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw no need to improve ... -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" -% - "That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a -sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar. - "How do you know?" the friend asked. - "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where -she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley." - "So?" - "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley." % "That's right; the upper-case shift works fine on the screen, but they're not coming out on the damn printer... Hold? Sure, I'll hold." @@ -3767,13 +3577,6 @@ in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one girl laughed uproariously. "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense of humor?" "I don't have to laugh," she said. "I'm leaving Friday anyway. -% - The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough -physical examination. "The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said, -"is give up drinking, give up smoking, get to bed early and stay away -from women." - "Doc, I don't deserve the best," pleaded his patient. "What's -second best?" % The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES @@ -3888,22 +3691,6 @@ hitch the length and breadth of the Galaxy, struggle against terrible odds, win through and still know where his towel is, is clearly a man to be reckoned with. -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" -% - The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding. -After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a -branch scraped her forehead lightly. The groom dismounted, glared at his -wife's horse, and said, "That's number one." - The ride then proceeded. After another mile or so, the bride's -horse stumbled over a pebble and the lady suffered a slight jostling. -Again, her man leapt from his saddle and strode over to the nervous animal. -"That's two," he said. - Five miles later, the bride's horse became frightened when a rabbit -crossed its path, reared up and threw the girl. Immediately, the groom was -off his horse. "That's three!", he shouted, and, pulling out a pistol, he -shot the horse between the eyes. - "You brute!" shrieked his bride. "Now I see the kind of man I -married! You're a sadist, that's what!" - The groom turned to her coolly. "That's one," he said. % "The jig's up, Elman." "Which jig?" @@ -4348,29 +4135,6 @@ sword in hand and set homeless the soul that a moment before lived in the body of his mortal enemy -- to those both come alike the taste of that rare food spread only for demons or for gods." -- Gordon R. Dickson, "Soldier Ask Not" -% - "They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their -parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone -being happy to see an orphan? Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!" - The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind -Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the -whereabouts of their natural parents. She is a woman with a mission: - "Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information -about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the -country. We're completely computerized. - "The idea is to throw the orphans as many red herrings and false -leads as possible. We'll tell some twenty-three-year-old loser that his -real parents can be found at a certain address on the other side of the -country. Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared. They -look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons... -yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago. -I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.' - "Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again. -He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue. - "It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with. Last year -we even sent one kid all the way to Australia. I mean, really. Besides, if -your natural parents were Australian, would you want to meet them?" - -- "National Lampoon", September, 1984 % This is where the bloodthirsty license agreement is supposed to go, explaining that Interactive EasyFlow is a copyrighted package licensed for @@ -4682,13 +4446,6 @@ less worth analyzing than enjoying. At any rate, these six pieces are about men with whom I felt an immediate sympat - to use a coining of Max Beerbohm's more satisfactory to me than the opaque vogue word "empathy". -- Alistair Cooke, "Six Men" -% - "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you -didn't believe in God". - "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the -God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's -not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be". - -- Joseph Heller % "What was the worst thing you've ever done?" "I won't tell you that, but I'll tell you the worst thing that @@ -4805,20 +4562,6 @@ vain to claim a rebate. His numerous letters and queries remained unanswered. Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived. In the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed: "Bad debt, US Government -- $40,000." -% - With deep concern, if not alarm, Dick noted that his friend -Conrad was drunker than he'd ever seen him before. "What's the trouble, -buddy?", he asked, sliding onto the stool next to his friend. - "It's a woman, Dick," Conrad replied. - "I guessed that much. Tell me about it." - "I can't," Conrad said. But after a few more drinks his tongue -and resolution both seemed to weaken and, turning to his buddy, he said, -"Okay. It's your wife." - "My wife!!" - "Yeah." - "What about her?" - Conrad pondered the question heavily, and draped his arm around -his pal. "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us." % Work Hard. Rock Hard. @@ -6593,9 +6336,6 @@ a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" exclaimed the man. "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty of them." % -A fail-safe circuit will destroy others. - -- Klipstein -% A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection. % A fair exterior is a silent recommendation. @@ -6662,17 +6402,6 @@ go!'" % A few hours grace before the madness begins again. % -A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles. -% -A fisherman from Maine went to Alabama on his vacation. He rented a boat, -rowed out to the middle of the lake, and cast his line, but when he looked -down into the water he was horrified to see a man wrapped in chains lying -on the bottom of the lake. He quickly rowed to shore and ran to the police -station. "Sheriff, sheriff," he gasped, there's a guy wrapped in chains, -drowned in the lake!" - "Now ain't that jest like a Yankee," drawled the sheriff, "to steal -more chain than he can swim with?" -% A fitter fits; Though sinners sin A cutter cuts; And thinners thin And an aircraft spotter spots; And paper-blotters blot @@ -6697,11 +6426,6 @@ A fool and his honey are soon parted. % A fool and his money are soon popular. % -A fool and your money are soon partners. -% -A fool is a man who worries about whether or not his lover has integrity. -A wise man, on the other hand, busies himself with deeper attributes. -% A fool must now and then be right by chance. % A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds. @@ -6744,8 +6468,6 @@ You'll just be walking down the street and... Ooohh, that's much better. A friend of mine won't get a divorce, because he hates lawyers more than he hates his wife. % -A friend with weed is a friend indeed. -% A full belly makes a dull brain. -- Benjamin Franklin @@ -6809,9 +6531,6 @@ A girl with a future avoids the man with a past. A girl's best friend is her mutter. -- Dorothy Parker % -A girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong-- -it merely keeps her from enjoying it. -% A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort of). % @@ -7102,27 +6821,6 @@ A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program in than some that do. -- Dennis M. Ritchie % -A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in -the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska. He drove for three days -and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state -line. He halted his car and walked up to the border guard. "Hi, there! How -do I become a resident of this here biggest state?" demanded the Texan. - The guard looked him up and down and grinned. "Waal," he answered, -there are three things you gotta do to get in. First, drink down a quart of -110 proof corn liquor without blinkin'. Second, kill a grizzly bear, and -third, make love to an Eskimo woman." - "Sounds easy enough," said the Texan. "Where can I get a quart of -this here corn liquor?" - "Got one right here," replied the guard. - The Texan gulped down the whiskey without batting an eyelash. -"Now, do you happen to know where I can find me a grizzly?" - "Yep," answered the guard, "there's a big b'ar over that way, 'bout -a mile... lives in a cave on that cliff." - The Texan lurched merrily off. About an hour later he returned -with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody. He was -smiling happily. "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you -want killed?" -% A large number of installed systems work by fiat. That is, they work by being declared to work. -- Anatol Holt @@ -7230,33 +6928,16 @@ A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks. -- Lew Col % -A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all. - -- Thomas Hardy -% A major, with wonderful force, Called out in Hyde Park for a horse. All the flowers looked round, But no horse could be found; So he just rhododendron, of course. % -A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car. - -- Carrie Snow -% -A man always needs to remember one thing about -a beautiful woman. Somewhere, somebody's tired of her. -% A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after that begins to bunch them. -- H. L. Mencken % -A man arrived home early to find his wife in the arms of his best friend, -who swore how much they were in love. To quiet the enraged husband, the -lover suggested, "Friends shouldn't fight, let's play gin rummy. If I win, -you get a divorce so I can marry her. If you win, I promise never to see -her again. Okay?" - "Alright," agreed the husband. "But how about a quarter a point -on the side to make it interesting?" -% A man can have two, maybe three love affairs while he's married. After that it's cheating. -- Yves Montand @@ -7393,9 +7074,6 @@ in no other way. A man who fishes for marlin in ponds will put his money in Etruscan bonds. % -A man who likes to lie in bed can usually -find a girl willing to listen to him. -% A man who turns green has eschewed protein. % A man with 3 wings and a dictionary is cousin to the turkey. @@ -7403,12 +7081,8 @@ A man with 3 wings and a dictionary is cousin to the turkey. A man with one watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never quite sure. % -A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle. -% A man without a woman is like a fish without gills. % -A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons. -% A man would still do something out of sheer perversity - he would create destruction and chaos - just to gain his point... and if all this could in turn be analyzed and prevented by predicting that it would occur, then man @@ -7593,33 +7267,6 @@ will go far towards curing the rascal of a very bad ailment. A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion. % -A New Yorker is riding down the road in his new Mercedes. So intent is he -on the cocaine in his hand he completely misses a turn and his car plunges -over the five-hundred-foot cliff to be smashed into pieces at the bottom. -As the on-lookers rush to the edge of the cliff they see him fifty feet -from the top of the cliff clinging to a stunted bush with all his strength. -"Dear Lord," he prays, "I never asked you for nothin' before, but I'm askin' -you now: Save me, Lord, save me." - Booms the Lord: "LET GO OF THE BRANCH." - "But Lord, if I do that, I'll fall!" - "TRUST ME, LET GO OF THE BRANCH." - "But Lord, I'm gonna fall and die..." - "TRUST ME TO SAVE YOU. LET GO OF THE BRANCH." - Okay, Lord, I'll trust you, here I... here I go!" And he falls -to his death. - "DUMB YANKEE." -% -A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered -by the side of the street. Curiosity got the better of him and he leaned -out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on. The fellow explained -that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused -himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. "That's terrible," gasped -the man. "But why is everyone still standing around?" - "Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the -onlooker explained. "Would you be willing to help?" - "Well, sure," replied the New Yorker. "I suppose I could spare a -gallon or two." -% A newspaper is a circulating library with high blood pressure. -- Arthure "Bugs" Baer % @@ -7684,12 +7331,6 @@ itself, and that is an excellent thing for the syndicates of financiers and manufacturers for whom patriotic terrors are an abundant source of gain. -- Anatole France % -A perfectly honest woman, a woman who never flatters, who never manages, -who never cajoles, who never conceals, who never uses her eyes, who never -speculates on the effect which she produces, who never is conscious of -unspoken admiration, what a monster, I say, would such a female be! - -- Thackeray -% A person forgives only when they are in the wrong. % A person is just about as big as the things that make him angry. @@ -7794,8 +7435,6 @@ last pair of shoes, already worn out in dancing... so I can have something of yours to press against my heart. -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe % -A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything. -% A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil. Replied Voltaire, "This is no time to make new enemies." % @@ -7881,23 +7520,6 @@ the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants to make a travesty of the game. -- Donald A. Metz % -A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leans -over and asks, "So, how high can you advance in your organization?" - The priest replies, "Well, if I am lucky, I guess I could become a -Bishop." - "Well, could you get any higher than that?" - "I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I -might be made an Archbishop." - "Is there any way that you might go higher than that?" - "If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal." - "Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?" - Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I suppose that I could -be elected Pope, but only if it's God's will." - "And could you be anything higher than that, is there any way to go -up from being the Pope?" - "What?! I should be the Messiah himself?!" - The rabbi leaned back and smiled. "One of our boys made it." -% A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon. -- Steel City News @@ -7912,17 +7534,6 @@ A real diplomat is one who can cut his neighbor's throat without having his neighbor notice it. -- Trygve Lie % -A real estate agent, looking over a farmer's house for possible sale, -commented to the farmer how sturdy the house looked. - The farmer replied, "Yep, built it with my bare hands... did it -the hard way. The steps to the front door, here, carved 'em out of -field stones... did it the hard way. That hardwood floor in the living -room, dovetailed the pieces myself... did it the hard way. The ceiling -beams, made 'em out of my own oak trees... did it the hard way." - Just then, the farmer's gorgeous daughter walked in. The farmer -looks over at the real estate agent who is trying not to stare too -obviously and smiles. "Yep... standing up in a canoe." -% A real friend isn't someone you use once and then throw away. A real friend is someone you can use over and over again. % @@ -8180,8 +7791,6 @@ the student with a stick. % A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam. % -A stunning blonde, but probably all bean dip above the eyebrows. -% A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something undreamed of by its author. -- S. C. Johnson @@ -8318,12 +7927,6 @@ than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with. A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. -- Samuel Goldwyn % -A very intelligent turtle -Found programming UNIX a hurdle - The system, you see, - Ran as slow as did he, -And that's not saying much for the turtle. -% A violent man will die a violent death. -- Lao Tsu % @@ -8351,9 +7954,6 @@ Software rots if not used. These are great mysteries. -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" % -A widow is more sought after than an old maid of the same age. - -- Addison -% A wise man can see more from a mountain top than a fool can from the bottom of a well. % @@ -8382,27 +7982,14 @@ A woman can look both moral and exciting -- if she also looks as if it were quite a struggle. -- Edna Ferber % -A woman can never be too rich or too thin. -% A woman did what a woman had to, the best way she knew how. To do more was impossible, to do less, unthinkable. -- Dirisha, "The Man Who Never Missed" % -A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed. - -- Scott -% A woman, especially if she have the misfortune of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can. -- Jane Austen % -A woman forgives the audacity of which -her beauty has prompted us to be guilty. - -- LeSage -% -A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be -thankful for a good one. - -- Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings -% A woman is like your shadow; follow her, she flies; fly from her, she follows. -- Chamfort @@ -8580,7 +8167,7 @@ Abscond, v.: % Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases great ones, as the wind blows out candles and fans fires. - -- La Rochefoucauld + -- François De La Rochefoucauld % Absence in love is like water upon fire; a little quickens, but much extinguishes it. @@ -8654,11 +8241,6 @@ Accept people for what they are -- completely unacceptable. ACCEPTANCE TESTING: An unsuccessful attempt to find bugs. % -Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western -religion; rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of -Western science. - -- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters" -% Accident, n.: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better. @@ -8993,8 +8575,6 @@ the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the cost to others, to win advancement. -- Norman Thomas % -After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK? -% After living in New York, you trust nobody, but you believe everything. Just in case. % @@ -9535,7 +9115,7 @@ All the men on my staff can type. % All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most ridiculous ones. - -- La Rochefoucauld + -- François De La Rochefoucauld % All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow. -- Grant Wood @@ -10571,8 +10151,6 @@ Any girl can be glamorous; all you have to do is stand still and look stupid. -- Hedy Lamarr % -Any given program, when running, is obsolete. -% Any given program will expand to fill available memory. % Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche -- @@ -11466,9 +11044,6 @@ Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamp-post how it feels about dogs. -- Christopher Hampton % -Ass, n.: - The masculine of "lass". -% Assembly language experience is [important] for the maturity and understanding of how computers work that it provides. -- D. Gries @@ -12051,11 +11626,6 @@ the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and -- watch that basket!" -- Mark Twain % -Behold the unborn foetus and - Weep salt tears crocodilian; -All life is sacred (save, of course, - An enemy civilian). -% Behold the warranty -- the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh away. % @@ -12477,8 +12047,6 @@ Blessed are the forgetful: for they get the better even of their blunders. -- Friedrich Nietzsche % -Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth. -% Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt. -- Herbert Hoover % @@ -13660,9 +13228,6 @@ Drinking beer and playing cards neighbors, plays with elves! -- Elmo and Patsy, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" % -Christ: - A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time. -% Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint Him. % Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it. @@ -13748,8 +13313,6 @@ the walk before it stops snowing. Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. -- P. J. O'Rourke % -Cleanliness is next to impossible. -% CLEVELAND: Where their last tornado did six million dollars worth of improvements. @@ -13889,9 +13452,6 @@ Coincidence, n.: Coincidences are spiritual puns. -- G. K. Chesterton % -Cold, adj.: - When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions. -% Cold, adj.: When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own pockets. @@ -14184,7 +13744,7 @@ Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more than the estimate the job will cost. % Conceit causes more conversation than wit. - -- La Rochefoucauld + -- François De La Rochefoucauld % Concept, n.: Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than @@ -14644,8 +14204,6 @@ DALLAS: The city that chose Astroturf to keep the cheerleaders from grazing. % -Dallas still lives. God MUST be dead. -% Dammit Jim, I'm an actor not a doctor. % Dammit, man, that's unprofessional! A good bartender laughs anyway! @@ -14907,14 +14465,6 @@ economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this principle of education may be of even greater importance to you now than learning correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners believes that is. % -Dear Miss Manners: - Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from -your face. - -Gentle Reader: - Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on -your face ... -% Dear Miss Manners: I carry a big black umbrella, even if there's just a thirty percent chance of rain. May I ask a young lady who is a stranger to me to share its protection? @@ -15537,16 +15087,12 @@ Do clones have navels? Do I like getting drunk? Depends on who's doing the drinking. -- Amy Gorin % -Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery? -% Do Miami a favor. When you leave, take someone with you. % Do molecular biologists wear designer genes? % Do more than anyone expects, and pretty soon everyone will expect more. % -Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them. -% Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses. % Do not count your chickens before they are hatched. @@ -16031,10 +15577,6 @@ want to help you could agree with each other? % Don't you wish you had more energy... or less ambition? % -Dope will get you through times of no money better that money will get -you through times of no dope. - -- Gilbert Shelton -% Dorothy: How can you talk if you haven't got a brain? Scarecrow: I don't know. But some people without brains do an awful lot of talking, don't they? @@ -19581,12 +19123,6 @@ GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) the mail carefully, although there won't be anything good in it today, either. % -GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) - You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you -because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much -for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for -committing incest. -% GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20) Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while you can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise @@ -20001,8 +19537,6 @@ can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why would he lie about a thing like that? -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" % -God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends. -% God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference. % @@ -20033,8 +19567,6 @@ but by pains and contradictions. % God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh. % -God is a polytheist. -% God is Dead. -- Nietzsche Nietzsche is Dead. @@ -20071,8 +19603,6 @@ God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man. God made the integers; all else is the work of Man. -- Kronecker % -God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh. -% God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean. -- Albert Einstein % @@ -20174,10 +19704,6 @@ Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm) % Good advice is one of those insults that ought to be forgiven. % -Good advice is something a man gives -when he is too old to set a bad example. - -- La Rochefoucauld -% Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall. % Good day for business affairs. @@ -20373,8 +19899,6 @@ GRAVITY: % Gravity brings me down. % -Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks. -% Gray's Law of Programming: 'n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same time as 'n' tasks. @@ -20457,13 +19981,6 @@ Groundhog Day has been observed only once in Los Angeles because when the groundhog came out of its hole, it was killed by a mudslide. -- Johnny Carson % -Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the Senate, got on -better with the House of Representatives. A popular story circulating -during his presidency concerned the night he was roused by his wife crying, -"Wake up! I think there are burglars in the house." - "No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate -maybe, but not in the House." -% Growing old isn't bad when you consider the alternatives. -- Maurice Chevalier % @@ -21832,8 +21349,6 @@ Him: "Really? That's incredible... Hindsight is always 20:20. -- Billy Wilder % -Hindsight is an exact science. -% Hippogriff, n.: An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half @@ -22032,8 +21547,6 @@ Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in. -- Robert Frost, "The Death of the Hired Man" % -Home is where the hurt is. -% Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a cage is to a cockatoo. -- George Bernard Shaw @@ -25271,9 +24784,6 @@ is a camel's behind. % If a can of Alpo costs 38 cents, would it cost $2.50 in Dog Dollars? % -If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing their hair. If this doesn't -work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child. -% If A equals success, then the formula is _A = _X + _Y + _Z. _X is work. _Y is play. _Z is keep your mouth shut. -- Albert Einstein @@ -25454,8 +24964,6 @@ We're offering a substantial reward. He's a sable collie, with three legs, blind in his left eye, is missing part of his right ear and the tip of his tail. He's been recently fixed. Answers to "Lucky". % -If anything can go wrong, it will. -% If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment. % If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. @@ -25866,8 +25374,6 @@ of a student-poet to hang on to his every word I never saw. % If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done. % -If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist. -% If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune. % If it's worth doing, do it for money. @@ -26304,9 +25810,6 @@ itself to going to bed each night by the light of a Communist moon. If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it. -- Ernest Hemingway % -If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. - -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter -% If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely. % If voting could change the system, it would be illegal. @@ -26438,9 +25941,6 @@ If you aren't rich you should always look useful. If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars. -- J. Paul Getty % -If you can keep your head when all about you are losing -theirs, then you clearly don't understand the situation. -% If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse. % If you can not say it, you can not whistle it, either. @@ -26734,9 +26234,6 @@ If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll be married to a man who cheats on his wife. -- Ann Landers % -If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody -in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments. -% If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break. -- Schmidt % @@ -28085,7 +27582,7 @@ live?" % In the misfortune of our friends we find something that is not displeasing to us. - -- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims" + -- François De La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims" % In the next world, you're on your own. % @@ -28893,8 +28390,6 @@ It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa. It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. -- Alfred Adler % -It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. -% It is easier to make a saint out of a libertine than out of a prig. -- George Santayana % @@ -29043,7 +28538,7 @@ The main thing is to use it well. % It is not enough to have great qualities, we should also have the management of them. - -- La Rochefoucauld + -- François De La Rochefoucauld % It is not every question that deserves an answer. -- Publilius Syrus @@ -29555,9 +29050,6 @@ It's always a long day; 86400 doesn't fit into a short. % It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black. % -It's always darkest just before the lights go out. - -- Alex Clark -% It's amazing how many people you could be friends with if only they'd make the first approach. % @@ -30053,10 +29545,6 @@ Jealousy is all the fun you think they have. Jenkinson's Law: It won't work. % -Jesus Saves, -Moses Invests, -But only Buddha pays Dividends. -% Jim, it's Grace at the bank. I checked your Christmas Club account. You don't have five-hundred dollars. You have fifty. Sorry, computer foul-up! % @@ -30480,10 +29968,6 @@ KERNEL: A part of an operating system that preserves the medieval traditions of sorcery and black art. % -Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College: - Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students, -and parking for the faculty. -% Kettering's Observation: Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence. % @@ -31284,13 +30768,6 @@ LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22) for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and polite. Someone is watching you, so stop staring like that. % -LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22) - You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with - reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay. - Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most - Libra women are prostitutes. All Libra people die of venereal - disease. -% LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 23) Major achievements, new friends, and a previously unexplored way to make a lot of money will come to a lot of people today, but @@ -32234,9 +31711,6 @@ Machines have less problems. I'd like to be a machine. Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives. % -Macho, adj.: - Jogging home from your vasectomy. -% Macho does not prove mucho. -- Zsa Zsa Gabor % @@ -32885,8 +32359,6 @@ play. Mathematicians practice absolute freedom. -- Henry Adams % -Mathematicians take it to the limit. -% Mathematics deals exclusively with the relations of concepts to each other without consideration of their relation to experience. -- Albert Einstein @@ -32997,10 +32469,6 @@ McEwan's Rule of Relative Importance: When traveling with a herd of elephants, don't be the first to lie down and rest. % -McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom: - If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not -$19.95. -% Meader's Law: Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to everyone you know, only more so. @@ -33895,12 +33363,6 @@ talk about after dinner. % Murphy was an optimist. % -Murphy's Discovery: - Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to -women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything -will be all right." And what happens? Nine months later, you're in -trouble! -% Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work. % Murphy's Law of Research: @@ -34365,8 +33827,6 @@ creamed? Nature abhors a virgin -- a frozen asset. -- Clare Booth Luce % -Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. -% Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night, God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light. @@ -34559,9 +34019,6 @@ Never get into fights with ugly people because they have nothing to lose. % Never give an inch! % -Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - -- Erma Bombeck -% Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. -- Phyllis Diller, "Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints" % @@ -34738,8 +34195,6 @@ New release: time to get one is lengthening rapidly. Experts predict that at this rate there will soon be an up to a one year wait. % -New systems generate new problems. -% New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age, and his wife most often reminds him to act it. -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary @@ -34919,9 +34374,6 @@ No friendship is so cordial or so delicious as that of girl for girl; no hatred so intense or immovable as that of woman for woman. -- Landor % -No good deed goes unpunished. - -- Clare Boothe Luce -% No group of professionals meets except to conspire against the public at large. -- Mark Twain @@ -35217,10 +34669,6 @@ you're only here for a limited time. No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider the furniture! -- Sherlock Holmes % -No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether -she will or will not be a mother. - -- Margaret H. Sanger -% No woman can endure a gambling husband, unless he is a steady winner. -- Lord Thomas Robert Dewar % @@ -36330,9 +35778,9 @@ Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement. % Old mail has arrived. % -Old men are fond of giving good advice to console -themselves for their inability to set a bad example. - -- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims" +Old men are fond of giving good advice to console themselves for being +no longer in a position to give bad examples. + -- François De La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims" % Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard To fetch her poor daughter a dress. @@ -36591,25 +36039,6 @@ possession. And the moral of the story is: The mourning after a terrible knight, nothing beats the dog of the bear that hit you. % -Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of -us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of -the smaller prime numbers. - -2: The Odd Prime -- - It's the only even prime, therefore it's odd. QED. -3: The True Prime -- - Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you three times, it's true." -31: The Arbitrary Prime -- - Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime - in case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91 - received the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the - next most. However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none - at all. - -Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities are -derived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd but -true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers. -% Once upon this midnight incoherent, While you pondered sentient and crystalline, Over many a broken and subordinate @@ -37756,8 +37185,6 @@ People are like onions -- you cut them up, and they make you cry. % People are unconditionally guaranteed to be full of defects. % -People don't change; they only become more so. -% People don't usually make the same mistake twice -- they make it three times, four time, five times... % @@ -38643,8 +38070,6 @@ Program, n.: into error messages. tr.v. To engage in a pastime similar to banging one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward. % -Programmers do it bit by bit. -% Programmers used to batch environments may find it hard to live without giant listings; we would find it hard to use them. -- Dennis M. Ritchie @@ -41607,9 +41032,6 @@ Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn. Sex is like pizza -- when it's good, it's great; and when it's bad, it's still darn tasty! % -Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. - -- Swami X -% Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation... The other eight are unimportant. -- Henry Miller @@ -44433,8 +43855,6 @@ hungry all the time? % The bigger the theory the better. % -The bigger they are, the harder they hit. -% The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse time. -- Merrick Furst % @@ -44585,9 +44005,6 @@ sometimes three. The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up at the steam fitters' picnic. % -The chief cause of problems is solutions. - -- Eric Sevareid -% The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions. -- Alfred Adler % @@ -45022,8 +44439,6 @@ The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late and owns the worm farm. -- Travis McGee % -The early worm gets the bird. -% The early worm gets the late bird. % The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier. @@ -47593,8 +47008,6 @@ blound by the sun and he dropped it. The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose. -- David Lardner % -The plural of spouse is spice. -% The Poems, all three hundred of them, may be summed up in one of their phrases: "Let our thoughts be correct". @@ -48958,9 +48371,6 @@ The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively. The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes. -- George Gobel % -The whole world is about three drinks behind. - -- Humphrey Bogart -% The wind doth taste so bitter sweet, Like Jaspar wine and sugar, It must have blown through someone's feet, @@ -50400,8 +49810,8 @@ armadillos. There's nothing like a girl with a plunging neckline to keep a man on his toes. % -There's nothing like a good does of another woman to make a man appreciate -his wife. +There's nothing like a good dose of another woman to make a man +appreciate his wife. -- Clare Booth Luce % There's nothing like good food, good wine, and a bad girl. @@ -50647,8 +50057,6 @@ Things Charles Darwin did not say: Nah, it's only a theory - I don't think it should be taught in schools. % -Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other. -% Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold. % Things past redress and now with me past care. @@ -52722,13 +52130,6 @@ Understanding is always the understanding of a smaller problem in relation to a bigger problem. -- P. D. Ouspensky % -Unfair animal names: - --- tsetse fly -- bullhead --- booby -- duck-billed platypus --- sapsucker -- Clarence - -- Gary Larson -% UNFAIR COMPETITION: Selling cheaper than we do. % @@ -53077,7 +52478,7 @@ He who practices it will have neighbors. -- Confucius % Virtue would go far if vanity did not keep it company. - -- La Rochefoucauld + -- François De La Rochefoucauld % Visit beautiful Vergas Minnesota. % @@ -53451,9 +52852,6 @@ We are unavoidably drawn towards conservatism and death. The order is not insignificant. -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) % -We are upping our standards ... so up yours. - -- Pat Paulsen for President, 1988 -% We are what we are. % We are what we pretend to be. @@ -53551,7 +52949,7 @@ We gave you an atomic bomb, what do you want, mermaids? -- I. I. Rabi to the Atomic Energy Commission % We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it. - -- La Rochefoucauld + -- François De La Rochefoucauld % We gotta get out of this place, If it's the last thing we ever do. @@ -53776,7 +53174,7 @@ children smart. % We only acknowledge small faults in order to make it appear that we are free from great ones. - -- La Rochefoucauld + -- François De La Rochefoucauld % We ought to be very grateful that we have tools. Millions of years ago people did not have them, and home projects were extremely difficult. @@ -54862,8 +54260,6 @@ What the deuce is it to me? You say that we go around the sun. If we went around the moon it would not make a pennyworth of difference to me or my work. -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet" % -What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket. -% What the hell is it good for? -- Robert Lloyd (engineer of the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM), to colleagues who insisted that the @@ -55715,9 +55111,6 @@ When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves. % -When the candles are out all women are fair. - -- Plutarch -% When the cup is full, carry it level. % When the doubt vanishes and the issue becomes evident, stupidity reigns. @@ -55729,9 +55122,6 @@ When the English language gets in my way, I walk over it. When the fog came in on little cat feet last night, it left these little muddy paw prints on the hood of my car. % -When the going gets tough, everyone leaves. - -- Lynch -% When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical. -- Jon Carroll % @@ -56342,10 +55732,6 @@ Whistler's mother is off her rocker. % White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship. % -White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it -so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the -time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair. -% Whitehead's Law: The obvious answer is always overlooked. % @@ -58152,9 +57538,6 @@ the continuing viability of FORTRAN. You can move the world with an idea, but you have to think of it first. % -You can never do just one thing. - -- Hardin -% You can never trust a woman; she may be true to you. % You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake. diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real index 3733ef9885f1..93fe0ef2bb15 100644 --- a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real +++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real @@ -4364,7 +4364,7 @@ woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, "The way I look at it, she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds." -- David Letterman % -ASS: +Ass, n.: The masculine of "lass". % Ass, grass or gas... nobody rides for free! @@ -4823,7 +4823,7 @@ Oh, blimey... [chorus] % -CHRIST: +Christ, n.: A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time. % Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not @@ -4946,7 +4946,7 @@ Is the ultimate way you can have 'er. Means a man needn't wait, And eliminates all the palaver. % -COLD: +Cold, adj.: When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions. % Cold, adj.: @@ -8749,8 +8749,8 @@ Kasha, n.: -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" % Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College: - Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex - for the students, and parking for the faculty. + Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students, + and parking for the faculty. % Kill a commie for Christ! % @@ -8913,9 +8913,10 @@ replied. "Now, I might have had a cockatoo..." % LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with -reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay. Chances for -employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women are -prostitutes. All Libra people die of Venereal disease. + reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay. + Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most + Libra women are prostitutes. All Libra people die of venereal + disease. % Lick-a-dee-clit! % @@ -10065,14 +10066,15 @@ smaller prime numbers. 3: The True Prime -- Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you 3 times, it's true." 31: The Arbitrary Prime -- - Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime in - case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91 received - the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the next most. - However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none at all. + Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime + in case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91 + received the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the + next most. However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none + at all. 41: The Female Prime -- The polynomial X**2 - X + 41 is prime for integer values from 1 to 40. -43: The Male Prime - they form a prime pair. +43: The Male Prime -- they form a prime pair. Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities are derived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd @@ -10822,7 +10824,7 @@ A: Run like hell, he's got a grenade in his mouth!! Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls? A: Walk him and pitch to the rhino. % -Q: What do you get when cross a lawyer with a sorority girl?? +Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a sorority girl?? A: A woman that, when she goes down on you, gets blood. % Q: What do you get when you cross a computer and a JAP? @@ -11367,12 +11369,9 @@ girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first. Democrats make up plans and then do something else. Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made. -Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA. -The remainder is thrown out. - Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms. That is why there are more Democrats. - -- The Official Rules, as compiled by Paul Dickson + -- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules" % Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom any reason why they should. Democrats ought to, but don't. @@ -11985,6 +11984,7 @@ Sex is low in calories, and *oooh* that aftertaste! Sex is nobody's business but the three people involved. % Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. + -- Swami X % Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation ... the other eight are unimportant. @@ -12282,9 +12282,6 @@ Father, why do these words sound so nasty? % Sodomy is a pain in the ass. % -SOFTWARE: - Formal evening attire for female computer analysts. -% Some companies idea of playing ball is, you play ball with us, and we'll stick the fucking bat up your ass. % @@ -13337,13 +13334,6 @@ Called a girl a most elegant creature. And, exposing her crack, Said, "Fuck that, you old Sunday School Teacher!" % -The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher -Called a hen a most elegant creature. - The hen, pleased with that, - Laid an egg in his hat -- -And thus did the hen reward Beecher. - -- Oliver Wendell Holmes -% The REVERSE function works on the opposite SEXPR. % The rich man uses Vaseline, diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/murphy b/games/fortune/datfiles/murphy index d04440987a0f..949d944ac49b 100644 --- a/games/fortune/datfiles/murphy +++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/murphy @@ -121,6 +121,7 @@ A drug is that substance which, when injected into a rat, will produce a scientific report. % A fail-safe circuit will destroy others. + -- Klipstein % A fool and his money are invited places. % @@ -155,9 +156,6 @@ her opposition. A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost. % -A memorandum is written not to inform the reader -but to protect the writer. -% A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the pants. % @@ -315,9 +313,6 @@ never be followed by a crowd. Anything good in life either causes cancer in laboratory mice or is taxed beyond reality. % -Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or -fattening. -% Anything hit with a big enough hammer will fall apart. % Anything is possible, but nothing is easy. @@ -353,8 +348,6 @@ if it succeeds. Automotive engine repairing law: If you drop something, it will never reach the ground. % -Avoid reality at all costs. -% Bad law is more likely to be supplemented than repealed. % Bad news drives good news out of the media. @@ -566,8 +559,6 @@ embarrassment of estimating the corresponding costs. % Go where the money is. % -Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at. -% He who dies with the most toys wins. % He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from @@ -768,6 +759,7 @@ occasionally be permitted to fly over pigeons. If things were left to chance, they'd be better. % If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. + -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter % If we learn by our mistakes, I'm getting one hell of an education!! @@ -1030,6 +1022,7 @@ It works better if you plug it in. It's always darkest before ... daylight saving time. % It's always darkest just before the lights go out. + -- Alex Clark % It's always easier to go down hill, but the view is from the top. @@ -1059,8 +1052,6 @@ cater to your favorite neurosis. % King Arthur ran the first knight club. % -Last guys don't finish nice. -% Laugh and the world laughs with you. cry and ... you have to blow your nose. % @@ -1103,8 +1094,6 @@ Mass man must be serviced by mass means. Misery no longer loves company nowadays it insists on it. % -Most people deserve each other. -% Most people want to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. % @@ -1144,6 +1133,7 @@ Never get excited about a blind date because of how it sounds over the phone. % Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. + -- Erma Bombeck % Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river. @@ -1180,6 +1170,7 @@ No experiment is ever a complete failure. It can always be used as a bad example. % No good deed goes unpunished. + -- Clare Boothe Luce % No major project is ever installed on time, within budgets, with the same staff that started it. Yours will not be the @@ -1505,9 +1496,6 @@ is in print. % Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it. % -Some people manage by the book, even though they -don't know who wrote the book or even what book. -% Souffles rise and cream whips only for the family and for guests you didn't really want to invite anyway. % @@ -1564,6 +1552,7 @@ proportional to the number of other people who are in a position to do it instead. % The chief cause of problems is solutions. + -- Eric Sevareid % The client who pays the least complains the most % @@ -1650,8 +1639,6 @@ The higher the level of prestige accorded the people behind the plan, the least less chance there is of abandoning it. % -The idea is to die young as late as possible. -% The inside contact that you have developed at great expense is the first person to be let go in any reorganization. @@ -1994,8 +1981,6 @@ not symbolically. Usefulness is inversely proportional to its reputation for being useful. % -Virtue is its own punishment. -% Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving from where you left them to where you can't find them. @@ -2041,8 +2026,6 @@ When all else fails, read the instructions. When an exaggerated emphasis is placed upon delegation, responsibility, like sediment, sinks to the bottom. % -When eating an elephant take one bite at a time. -% When in doubt, don't mumble, overexpose ... then mumble. % When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate. @@ -2081,6 +2064,7 @@ When somebody drops something, everybody will kick it around instead of picking it up. % When the going gets tough, everyone leaves. + -- Lynch % When the government bureau's remedies do not match your problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy. @@ -2181,8 +2165,7 @@ You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you've really got something. % You can never do just one thing. -% -You can observe a lot just by watching. + -- Hardin % You can pray hard enough to make water run uphill how hard?