15099 lines
613 KiB
Plaintext
15099 lines
613 KiB
Plaintext
This fortune brought to you by:
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$FreeBSD$
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%
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PLAYGIRL, Inc.
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Philadelphia, Pa. 19369
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Dear Sir:
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Your name has been submitted to us with your photo. I regret to
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inform you that we will be unable to use your body in our centerfold. On
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a scale of one to ten, your body was rated a minus two by a panel of women
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ranging in age from 60 to 75 years. We tried to assemble a panel in the
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age bracket of 25 to 35 years, but we could not get them to stop laughing
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long enough to reach a decision. Should the taste of the American woman
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ever change so drastically that bodies such as yours would be appropriate
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in our magazine, you will be notified by this office. Please, don't call
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us.
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Sympathetically,
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Amanda L. Smith
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p.s. We also want to commend you for your unusual pose. Were you
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wounded in the war, or do you ride your bike a lot?
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%
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MOUNTIES:
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I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK, He's a lumberjack and he's OK,
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I sleep all night and I work all day. He sleeps all night and he works
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all day.
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I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch,
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I go to the lavatory. He goes to the lavatory.
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On Wednesday I go shopping, On Wednesday he goes shopping,
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And have buttered scones for tea. And has buttered scones for tea.
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I cut down trees, I skip and jump, He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps,
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I like to press wild flowers, He likes to press wild flowers.
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I put on women's clothing, He puts on women's clothing,
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And hang around in bars. And hangs around in bars.
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I cut down trees, I wear high heels, He cuts down trees, he wears high heels,
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Suspenders and a bra. Suspenders? and a bra?
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I wish I'd been a girlie, That's rude...
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Just like my dear Pappa.
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%
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FROM THE DESK OF
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Snow White
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Dear Snow White:
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Thanks for last night.
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Sleepy, Doc, Grumpy, Sneezy, Happy, Dopey, Bashful
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%
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LEPROSY
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Leprosy, all my skin is falling off of me.
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I'm not half the man I used to be.
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Oh, how did I get leprosy?
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Syphilis, it all started with a simple kiss.
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Now it even hurts to take a piss.
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Oh why did I get syphilis?
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Why'd she have VD? I don't know, she wouldn't say.
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I did something wrong, now I long for yesterday ....
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-- To the tune of "Yesterday"
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%
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THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF
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An amalgamation of the Creation Science Research Foundation and the Flat Earth
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Society, The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up to cater to all
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who do not allow demonstrable truth to get in the way of their beliefs.
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In addition to creation science and the flatness of the earth, the following
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beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as correct Church dogma:
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--That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from
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which UFOs come.
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--That pi equals precisely 3.000.
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--That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully
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squared the circle.
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--That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job.
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Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being studied,
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including Reaganomics and that the moon landings were done in a Hollywood
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special effects studio. These will be the subject of some forthcoming Papal
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Bull.
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%
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The Snack
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Oh my God, screamed Mommy, You went and ate the Baby.
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What baby? asked Daddy. You know that's just the last of the leftover donkey.
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Donkey, my ass! said Mommy with some sentience. Do you think I don't
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recognize my own baby? Why I can still see his little privates
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caught in the gap between your front teeth. How many times have
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I told you to take only what's on the *top* two shelves of the freezer?
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But there wasn't a thing to eat, cried Daddy.
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And am I not the master of my own?
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Nothing to eat?
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What about the elephant testicles in aspic that I put up for you
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just last week in the ball jar? Our very first baby, too, wailed
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Mommy, that I was saving for Christmas dinner.
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Testicles, testicles, said Daddy. A man gets tired of testicles.
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-- L.L. Zeiger
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%
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... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even
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worse is, our standards keep changing. Take Playboy magazine. Back in the
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1950s, when I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was
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considered just about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever
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showed was women's breasts. Granted, any given one of these breasts would
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have provided adequate shelter for a family of four, but the overall effect
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was no more explicit than many publications we think nothing of today, such
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as Sports Illustrated's Annual Nipples Poking Through Swimsuits Issue.
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-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
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%
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A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods. The bear looks
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over at the rabbit and asks, "Say, does shit ever stick to your fur?"
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"No."
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So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
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%
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A business executive is consumed by jealousy: he suspects his wife
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of cheating on him. The suspicion grows and grows, and one morning as he
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drives to work he can't take it any more. He thinks to himself, "she
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probably just waited until I left so she could meet with her lover."
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When he gets to his office, he calls home. The maid answers. He
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says, "Hello. Is my wife there?"
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"Yes, sir", the maid whispers.
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"Is she with her lover?"
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The maid pauses, and then says, "Yes, sir, she is, and I must say
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that I feel terrible about how she treats you."
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The man yells, "That no good **#*&!!. If you feel as badly as you
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say you do, you must do this for me: go to my dresser and get my gun. Check
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to make sure that it's loaded. Then go upstairs and shoot both that cheating
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two-timing whore and her lover. Dispose of the gun, and then come back to
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the phone and tell me that it's over. Don't worry -- I'll protect you."
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The man hears footsteps, a drawer being opened, a click, more footsteps,
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silence... and then two shots. More footsteps. Finally the maid comes back
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to the phone and says "It's done."
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The man asks, "What did you do with the gun?"
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"I threw it behind the statue in the garden", the maid replies.
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"Statue in the garden? Say, what number is this, anyway?"
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%
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A cowboy, his horse and his dog were captured by hostile Indians.
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This wasn't really a problem for the animals as the Indians can always use
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them, but the cowboy is informed that he will be burned at the stake the
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following sunrise. That evening, the Indian chief tells the cowboy that
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he can one last wish, within reason, of course, before meeting his fate
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the following morning. The cowboy replies that all he really wants is to
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see his faithful dog, Rex, one last time. When the dog is brought by the
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Indians, the cowboy hugs his companion and whispers something into his ear.
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At once the dog runs off over the hill. Amazingly enough, a few hours later,
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he returns, accompanied by some two dozen prostitutes from a nearby town.
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Needless to say, the braves are delighted and as a reward offer the cowboy
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his dog to keep him company through the rest of the night. When the dog is
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brought forth the cowboy again runs his hand over Rex's head and then bends
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down to whisper into his ear: "This may be my last chance, Rex, so get it
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right this time -- go into town and get the posse!"
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%
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A farmer decides that his three sows should be bred, and contacts a
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buddy down the road, who owns several boars. They agree on a stud fee, and
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the farmer puts the sows in his pickup and takes them down the road to the
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boars. He leaves them all day, and when he picks them up that night, asks
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the man how he can tell if it "took" or not. The breeder replies that if,
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the next morning, the sows were grazing on grass, they were pregnant, but if
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they were rolling in the mud as usual, they probably weren't.
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Comes the morn, the sows are rolling in the mud as usual, so the
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farmer puts them in the truck and brings them back for a second full day of
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frolic. This continues for a week, since each morning the sows are rolling
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in the mud.
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Around the sixth day, the farmer wakes up and tells his wife, "I
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don't have the heart to look again. This is getting ridiculous. You check
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today." With that, the wife peeks out the bedroom window and starts to laugh.
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"What is it?" asks the farmer excitedly. "Are they grazing at last?"
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"Nope." replies his wife. "Two of them are jumping up and down in
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the back of your truck, and the other one is honking the horn!"
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%
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A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did
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for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do
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all day?"
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Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
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"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
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Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a
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mailman."
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"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
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Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a
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whorehouse."
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The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
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Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father
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answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded
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an explanation.
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Billy's father replied, "Well, I'm really an attorney. But how do
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you explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old child?"
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%
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A great American Olympic wrestler was receiving last-minute advice
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from his coach about the upcoming match with the Soviet Champion.
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"This Russian guy is really good, very strong and quick. But I think
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you can take him. Remember, though, like I've told you before, don't let
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him get you in the Pretzel hold. With his strength you'd never get out."
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The American leaps onto the mat, and within moments the two behemoths
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are going crazy, struggling to get each other pinned. The American slowly
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gains ground and appears that he might actually win on points alone, when, in
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the blink of an eye, the Russian reverses him and whips him into the fatal
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Pretzel hold.
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The coach, off by the side, shakes his head in dismay, and sits down
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on the bench with his head between his hands. All of a sudden, there's a
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scream and the two wrestlers fly apart, the American regaining control and
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pinning the Russian. After the match, in the dressing room, the coach
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finally gets the winner alone. "Great job! But how the hell did you get out
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of the Pretzel Hold? I thought it was over for sure!"
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"Well, I did too. I was in the hold, about to be pinned, when I saw
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this huge pair of testicles hanging right in front of my eyes. I figured
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what the hell, so I stretched forward and bit them as hard as I could. Coach,
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you just don't know your own strength 'til you've bitten your own balls!"
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%
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A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical
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island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that
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could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands. They
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were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of
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the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to
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the snake's head. Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head
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downward to break the snake's spine. All went well for the landing, the
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charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle. At one foxhole site, two
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men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner.
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Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with
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blood. He collapsed to the ground. His buddies were so shocked they could
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only blurt out, "What happened?"
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"I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the
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ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me. I
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grabbed its tail end with my left hand. I placed my right hand above my left
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hand. I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of
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the snake. When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down
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to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?"
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%
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A guy finishes his 9 to 5, but, instead of going straight home, stops
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in at a local bar for a drink. He gets his beer, turns around to sit down,
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and finds himself face to face with a ravishing blonde. The two strike up a
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conversation, and really hit it off. After a couple drinks they leave the bar
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go back to her pad, to peruse her etchings. Which doesn't take long -- by
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seven they were happily engaged in intimate scratching.
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'Round about midnight the guy rolled over in bed and spotted the clock:
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"Midnight! Already! I gotta get home! Honey, you have any baby powder?"
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He jumps out of bed and starts pulling his pants on, trying to find his shoes.
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"Baby powder?" she asks. But she comes back from the bathroom and
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hands him the powder. He frantically shakes it all over his hands, kisses her
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goodbye, and runs out the front door.
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He gets home, and sure enough, there's his wife, waiting in the
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doorway.
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"Okay," she mutters, "let's have it."
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"Well," he says sheepishly, looking down at his feet. "Okay. I went
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to a bar after work and met a gorgeous blonde and we really hit it off. We
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had a few drinks and went back to her place, and well, see..."
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"Oh yeah?" she says, "let me see your hands... Don't you lie to me!
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You've been bowling again!"
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%
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A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved
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dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his
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brother and inquires after his pet.
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"Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly.
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The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me,"
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he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way
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of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got
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outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a
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corner...' or something...? Why are you always so thoughtless?"
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"Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think."
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"Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us. How are you anyway?
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How's Mom?"
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His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got
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outside one day..."
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%
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A guy walks into a pub and asks: "Does anyone here own a Doberman?
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I feel really bad about this, but my Chihuahua just killed it."
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A man leaps to his feet and replies, "Yes, I do, but how can that
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be? I raised that dog from a pup to be a vicious killer."
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"Yes, well, that's all well and good," replied the first, "but my
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dog's stuck in its throat."
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%
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A man came home from work and as he entered the house he yelled,
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"Hi, honey, I'm home."
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There was no response. He walked through the house and saw a note
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on the refrigerator. It read "I'm out with the girls and I'll be home about
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8. Either fix yourself something to eat, or wait for me and we'll eat when
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I get home."
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Well, he decided to wait until his wife returned. However, his
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stomach started to growl and he remembered that he had an apple left over
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from his lunch. He got the apple, polished it a little, and heard the
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doorbell ring. He went to the door and there stood a little blond haired
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girl holding out a little paper bag. "Trick or treat", she said.
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He looked at the girl, looked at the apple, thought how hungry he
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was, looked at the girl again, and with a slight sigh dropped his apple in
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the bag. The little girl looked down in the bag, looked up again, and
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complained, "You stupid son-of-a-bitch. You broke my cookies!"
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%
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A man dies and is getting his tour of heaven. His guide is pointing
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out the various features and landmarks when the man asks, "What's that cliff?"
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"Oh, you don't want to look down there. That's hell!"
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The man creeps up to the edge and looks over. He sees lush, green
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valleys, verdant farmland and trees everywhere. "This doesn't look so bad,"
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he says.
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Puzzled, the guide comes over and looks down. "Damn!" he snaps,
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"Those Mormons have been irrigating again!"
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%
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A man sank into the psychiatrist's couch and said, "I have a
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terrible problem, Doctor. I have a son at Harvard and another son at
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Princeton; I've just gifted each of them with a new Ferrari; I've got
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homes in Beverly Hills, Palm Beach, and a co-op in New York; and I've
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got a thriving ranch in Venezuela. My wife is a gorgeous young actress
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who considers my two mistresses to be her best friends."
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The psychiatrist looked at the patient, confused. "Did I miss
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something? It sounds to me like you have no problems at all."
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"But, Doctor, I only make $175 a week."
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%
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A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots and 3 beers. The
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bartender, seeing that the man is distraught, asks what the problem is.
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"I just found out that my brother is gay", he replies.
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About a week later, the same man walks in and orders 6 shots and
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6 chasers. So the bartender inquires, "What's wrong this time?"
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To which the man says, "I just found out that two of my brothers
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are lovers."
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Another week goes by and the man comes back to the bar and orders
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NINE shots and NINE beers. The bartenders says "Damn, boy, doesn't anyone
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in your family like pussy?"
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"Yeah. Me and my sister."
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%
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A man walks into a bar and says: "I'd like a shot of twelve-year-old
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Scotch". The bartender, who figures the guy is just being obnoxious, reaches
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down under the bar and pours him a shot of bar Scotch. The man takes one sip
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and says: "Hey, bartender, I asked you for some twelve-year-old Scotch -- this
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is eight-year-old Scotch."
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The bartender reaches behind the bar for the twelve-year-old Scotch,
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pours a shot, hands it to the man and says "I've got to hand it to you --
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most guys who come in here asking for twelve-year-old Scotch have never even
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had it -- they're just being pricks. But you really know your Scotch -- this
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is on the house."
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A drunk has been sitting at the other end of the bar watching this
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conversation. He walks up to the man, hands him a glass and says "Taste this."
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The man does -- and spits it out yelling, "This tastes like piss!" To which
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the drunk replies, "It is -- but how old am I?"
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%
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A man walks into a bar with a Leprechaun on his shoulder. He walks
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up to the bar and sits down, ordering a beer for himself and one for the
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little Leprechaun.
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After a few beers, the Leprechaun jumps down off the guy's shoulder,
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struts down the bar and comes to a stop in front of a rather large construction
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worker. Looking the guy right in the eye, he gives him a rather large, damp,
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Bronx cheer. And trots back to sit on his buddy's shoulder. The worker is
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pretty upset, but decides to shine on this rather offensive breach of manners.
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After another beer and a half though, the Leprechaun hops down and
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walks over to his previous victim and goes "PPPPHHHHHHHBBBBTTTTTT" again.
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Well, that's too much, and the victim knocks the Leprechaun off the bar and,
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after walking over to stand very close to the Leprechaun's escort, tells him
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in a rather overloud voice, that if it happens again, he's going to "cut off
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his little dick!"
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Replies the escort, "Leprechauns don't have dicks."
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"Yeah? Well, then," asks the big man, how does he take a piss?"
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"PPPPHHHHHHHBBBBTTTTTT!!!!"
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%
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A man was just settling down into his seat for a cross-country
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flight when he noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him, wearing a
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large button with the letters "NAA" on it.
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"What's that?" he asked, pointing to her button.
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"Nymphomaniacs Association of America" she replied.
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After a moments thought he said, "Well, if you wouldn't mind my
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asking, but I've always wanted to know, who are the best, ummm, `endowed'
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men?"
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"Well, it's not what you think. Native Americans. They're better
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hung than *anybody*."
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"And is it true that the French are the best lovers?"
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"No, Jewish men. Once you finally get them going they can last
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all night. By the way, my name is Sue. What's yours?"
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"Running Bear Sheldon."
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%
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A man was traveling cross-country one summer from New York to LA.
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He arrived in Needles, CA late one night and pulled into an Exxon for some
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gas. When he pulled up to the gas pumps, he noticed that all of the lights
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were off. Suddenly, he heard a faint sound from outside. He wasn't sure
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what he'd heard, so he rolled down his window and heard a faint cry,
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"Help... help... help". He got out of his car, and sure enough there was
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a guy stooped down in the corner, stark naked with his wrists tied to his
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ankles. He walked up to the guy and said, "Hey, man, what happened to you?"
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"These guys pulled me out of my car, took my money, my wallet, my
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clothes, tied my wrists to my ankles, and then stole my car!!"
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"Damn!", replied the first man as he unzipped his pants. "This just
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hasn't been your day, has it?"
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%
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A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this
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particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the
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man's penis. Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very
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fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants,
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felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under
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the tablecloth. The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?"
|
|
Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as
|
|
quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said,
|
|
"I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... can you do that again?"
|
|
With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd
|
|
like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!"
|
|
%
|
|
A Mexican and a Texan worked together for a construction firm, and,
|
|
while they were good friends, they had a friendly rivalry over whose wife
|
|
was the better cook. One weekend, as the Texan's wife was out of town, the
|
|
Mexican invited the Texan to have supper with his family.
|
|
The Texan accepted, and that evening sat down to some the best stew
|
|
that he had ever eaten.
|
|
"Damn! That stew is fantastic!" he exclaimed to his host. "What
|
|
kind of meat is it?"
|
|
"Rabbeet stew," replied the Mexican.
|
|
"Rabbit?" replied the Texan. "There aren't any rabbits around here."
|
|
"Si, my freend, the rabbeets make the beeg noise, and I shoot theem."
|
|
"Rabbits don't make any noise..."
|
|
"Si, my freend, they say meeyow, meeyow!"
|
|
%
|
|
A mother and her daughter came to the doctor's office. The mother
|
|
asked the doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange
|
|
symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said.
|
|
The doctor examined the daughter carefully. Then he announced,
|
|
"Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."
|
|
The mother gasped. "That's nonsense!" she said. "Why, my little
|
|
girl has never even been out with a man, let alone... let alone..." She
|
|
turns to the girl and said, "Tell the doctor, Susie!"
|
|
"Yes, Mumsy," said the girl. "Doctor, I have never so much as
|
|
kissed a man!"
|
|
The doctor looked from the mother to daughter, and back again. Then,
|
|
silently he stood up and walked to the window. He stared out. He continued
|
|
staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something
|
|
wrong out there?"
|
|
"No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything
|
|
like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if
|
|
another one was going to show up."
|
|
%
|
|
A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon
|
|
two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what
|
|
I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man".
|
|
As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well,
|
|
he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
|
|
%
|
|
A proper elderly English couple visiting Australia decided to hire a
|
|
car to take a look at the outback. "We know it's rough country, but it's safe
|
|
and decent, isn't it?" the husband inquired of the rental-agency manager.
|
|
Upon being assured that it was, the couple drove off.
|
|
Later that day, they returned, upset and angry. "You said it was
|
|
decent country," the Englishwoman upbraided the rental agent, "but we hadn't
|
|
driven too far when we saw a man in a field copulating with a kangaroo!"
|
|
"And not too long after that," complained her husband, "a one-legged
|
|
aborigine leaning against a tree by the side of the road grinningly waved
|
|
at us with one hand while he brazenly masturbated himself with the other!"
|
|
"Guv'nor," responded the Aussie, "yer wouldn't expect a poor bugger
|
|
like that, with only one leg, to catch a 'roo, would you?"
|
|
%
|
|
A secretary entered her boss's office with the announcement: "I have
|
|
some good news and some bad news."
|
|
He muttered, "It's quarterly report day, Sally -- just the good news."
|
|
She replied, "You're not sterile."
|
|
%
|
|
A sociologist, a psychologist, and an engineer were discussing the
|
|
consequences and implications of a married man's having a mistress. The
|
|
sociologist's opinion was that it is absolutely and categorically unforgivable
|
|
for a married man to forfeit the bond of matrimony, and engage in such lowly
|
|
and lustful pursuits.
|
|
The psychologist's opinion was that although morally reprehensible,
|
|
if a man MUST have a mistress to achieve his full potential as a human being,
|
|
then -- well -- he may go ahead and choose to have a mistress, as long as he
|
|
is considerate enough to keep this secret from his wife.
|
|
The engineer then interjected: "I also believe that, if necessary,
|
|
a married man is entitled to a mistress. However, I do not see why the
|
|
affair should be concealed from the wife. On the contrary, if the affair
|
|
is out in the open, then on Friday evenings he may tell his wife that he
|
|
is going to see his mistress, tell his mistress that he is going to be with
|
|
his wife, then go to his office and get some work done!"
|
|
%
|
|
A strange looking white man came to the Indian reservation looking
|
|
for a job. He asked to talk to the Chief of the tribe, so he might give his
|
|
qualifications. The Chief strode forward from the group surrounding the
|
|
white man and said: "You leave! No job!"
|
|
The man explained that this was no ordinary job he was seeking, but
|
|
that of tribe Medicine-Man. He would convince him if the Chief would allow
|
|
him to demonstrate his magic. "No magic!" said the disbelieving Chief.
|
|
"Oh, yeah?", said the stranger. "I'll prove it to you by making
|
|
your dog, here, talk!"
|
|
"Dog, no talk!" responded the Chief, but before he could finish, he
|
|
heard a voice coming out of the mouth of the dog saying, "The Chief treats me
|
|
good. He feeds me, and keeps me in teepee when it snows!"
|
|
"If you still have doubts as to my magic," continued the stranger,
|
|
"the next voice you'll hear will be that of your horse!"
|
|
"Horse, no talk!" argued the still-sceptical Chief, but again he
|
|
heard a voice that said: "I am the Chief's favorite horse. He takes me up to
|
|
the green pasture to eat and brushes my coat when I get dirty."
|
|
The stranger, still seeing some disbelieving faces, claimed for his
|
|
final trick he would make the Chief's sheep talk.
|
|
"NO!" cried the Chief, "SHEEP LIE!"
|
|
%
|
|
A ten-year-old kid came home from school one day, and when his mom
|
|
asked how was school he says: "Gee, great, mom. I got laid!"
|
|
She's shocked and sends him upstairs, where his dad finds him after
|
|
work. "Mommy told me about your day at school, Billy, and I think we men
|
|
should keep it a secret. Women just don't understand these things."
|
|
So every night Dad goes up to Billy's room after Mom tucks him in:
|
|
"You get laid today, Billy?"
|
|
"Yeah, Dad."
|
|
"How was it?"
|
|
"Real neat, Dad, I liked it a lot."
|
|
"Good Boy!".
|
|
A month later: "You get laid today?"
|
|
"No, Dad."
|
|
"No? How come?"
|
|
"Gee, Dad, my ass is getting really sore."
|
|
%
|
|
A white man was traveling with Indian (American) out West. The
|
|
Indian stops, puts his ear to the ground, and says, "Buffalo come."
|
|
The white man looks around in all directions, sees nothing for
|
|
miles and asks the Indian how the hell he knows that.
|
|
Replies the Indian, "Ear wet."
|
|
-- Lily Tomlin, "The Search for Signs of Intelligent
|
|
Life in the Universe"
|
|
%
|
|
A woman was married to a golfer. One day she asked, "If I were
|
|
to die, would you remarry?"
|
|
After some thought, the man replied, "Yes, I've been very happy in
|
|
this marriage and I would want to be this happy again."
|
|
The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?"
|
|
"Yes," he replied. "That's a good car and it runs well."
|
|
"Well, would you live in this house?"
|
|
"Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully.
|
|
I've always loved it here."
|
|
"Well, would you give her my golf clubs?"
|
|
"No."
|
|
"Why not?"
|
|
"She's left handed."
|
|
%
|
|
A young couple jumped out of their car and dashed into the park.
|
|
They hurriedly found a secluded spot and began to make frenzied, passionate
|
|
love. Shortly thereafter, as they were driving away, the young man turned
|
|
to her and said, "If I had known you were a virgin, I'd have taken more time."
|
|
She replied, "If I had known you had more time, I'd have taken off
|
|
my pantyhose."
|
|
%
|
|
A young man asked his father to lend him $50 for a blowjob,
|
|
whereupon his father solemnly replied, "When I was young we used to
|
|
settle for a kiss."
|
|
The son retorted, "OK, how about $50 for a long low kiss?"
|
|
%
|
|
After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient
|
|
earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several
|
|
minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help.
|
|
"No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a
|
|
name for my baby."
|
|
"But the hospital supplies a special booklet that lists hundreds
|
|
of first names and their meanings," said the orderly.
|
|
"That won't help," said the woman, "my baby already has a first
|
|
name."
|
|
%
|
|
All he did was take the ball and run every time they called his
|
|
number -- which came to be more and more often, and in the Super Bowl Thomas
|
|
was the whole show. But the season is now over; the purse is safe in the
|
|
vault; and Duane Thomas is facing two to twenty for possession. Nobody really
|
|
expects him to serve time, but nobody seems to think he'll be playing for
|
|
Dallas next year either, and a few sporting people who claim to know how the
|
|
NFL works say he won't be playing for ANYBODY next year; that the Commissioner
|
|
is outraged at this mockery of all those Government-sponsored "Beware of Dope"
|
|
TV shots that dressed up the screen last autumn.
|
|
We all enjoyed those spots, but not everyone found them convincing.
|
|
Here was a White House directive saying several million dollars would be spent
|
|
to drill dozens of Name Players to stare at the camera and try to stop grinding
|
|
their teeth long enough to say they hate drugs of any kind... and then the best
|
|
running back in the world turns out to be a goddamn uncontrollable drugsucker.
|
|
But not for long. There is not much room for freaks in the National
|
|
Football League. Joe Namath was saved by the simple blind luck of getting
|
|
drafted by a team in New York City, a place where social outlaws are not
|
|
always viewed as criminals. But Namath would have had a very different trip
|
|
if he'd been drafted by the St. Louis Cardinals.
|
|
-- Hunter S. Thompson
|
|
%
|
|
An Aggie was appointed ambassador to Japan. Two weeks before
|
|
officially reporting to the embassy, he went from geisha house to geisha
|
|
house. While making love to a geisha girl, he heard her repeat, "Yaki-san,
|
|
yaki-san."
|
|
Right away the Aggie thought to himself, "I've learned my first
|
|
Japanese word. It must be an expression of joy."
|
|
When he reported to the embassy, he received his first assignment,
|
|
which was to escort the prime minister of Japan around the golf course.
|
|
After having played a couple of holes, the prime minister teed-off and made
|
|
a hole-in-one. The prime minister jumped up and down shouting, "Bonsai!
|
|
Bonsai!"
|
|
Quickly, thinking that this was the perfect chance to show off the
|
|
new Japanese word that he'd learned, the Aggie exclaimed, "Yaki-san,
|
|
yaki-san!"
|
|
The prime minister turned to the Aggie in surprise and exclaimed,
|
|
"What do you mean, wrong hole?"
|
|
%
|
|
An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial
|
|
city and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish
|
|
arrived he asked what kind of meat it contained. "These, senor," explained
|
|
the waiter in halting English, "are the cojones -- the, what you say, the
|
|
testicles -- of the bull killed in the ring today.
|
|
The tourist gulped but tasted the dish and found it delicious.
|
|
Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. When it was
|
|
served, he commented to the waiter, "But these -- these cojones -- are
|
|
much smaller than the ones I had yesterday."
|
|
"True, senor, but the bull -- he does not ALWAYS lose."
|
|
%
|
|
An eighty-year-old woman is rocking away the afternoon on her
|
|
porch when she sees an old, tarnished lamp sitting near the steps. She
|
|
picks it up, rubs it gently, and lo and behold a genie appears! The genie
|
|
tells the woman the he will grant her any three wishes her heart desires.
|
|
After a bit of thought, she says, "I wish I were young and
|
|
beautiful!" And POOF! In a cloud of smoke she becomes a young, beautiful,
|
|
voluptuous woman.
|
|
After a little more thought, she says, "I would like to be rich
|
|
for the rest of my life." And POOF! When the smoke clears, there are
|
|
stacks and stacks of money lying on the porch.
|
|
The genie then says, "Now, madam, what is your final wish?"
|
|
"Well," says the woman, "I would like for you to transform my
|
|
faithful old cat, whom I have loved dearly for fifteen years, into a young
|
|
handsome prince!"
|
|
And with another billow of smoke the cat is changed into a tall,
|
|
handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform.
|
|
As they gaze at each other in adoration, the prince leans over to
|
|
the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me
|
|
fixed?"
|
|
%
|
|
An Israeli soldier was checking travelers' papers on a road, when a
|
|
man and a heavily pregnant woman on a donkey came by. "Your names please?"
|
|
said the soldier.
|
|
"My name is Mary," said the woman.
|
|
"And mine is Joseph," said the man.
|
|
"Oh," said the soldier, a little taken aback, "And where are you
|
|
going?"
|
|
"To Bethlehem."
|
|
"Your reason for going there?"
|
|
"To pay our taxes to the government."
|
|
"Tell me," said the soldier, "are you going to name the baby Jesus?"
|
|
"Of course not," said the woman, "What do you think we are, Puerto
|
|
Ricans?"
|
|
%
|
|
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the
|
|
remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver,
|
|
"I have a dead pussy."
|
|
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said,
|
|
"Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."
|
|
%
|
|
And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?"
|
|
They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the
|
|
ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our
|
|
very selfhood revealed."
|
|
And Jesus replied, "What?"
|
|
%
|
|
"Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best
|
|
to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the
|
|
posh hotel.
|
|
"No. No, thank you," replied the gentleman.
|
|
"Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked.
|
|
"Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman. "Would you bring me
|
|
a postcard?"
|
|
%
|
|
Are you a Young Urban Professional Woman? If so, you know how
|
|
Yuppie women are; cold, ruthless bitches with no time for love, and only
|
|
an occasional weekend for sex. Your one "hot date" with Joe Fastrack,
|
|
rising corporate star, ended in disaster. Yesterday you heard him telling
|
|
a friend over lunch, "The woman must masturbate with popsicles!" Well,
|
|
all is not lost! SofSqueeze can change your nickname to Electrolux in just
|
|
15 minutes a day!
|
|
SofSqueeze is a pressure sensitive device (divided into appropriate
|
|
sections) that plugs into the serial port of most home computers. Through
|
|
the magic of biofeedback, SofSqueeze teaches you control over your vaginal
|
|
muscles. With our exciting, easy-to-follow software you'll master the
|
|
"Cincinnati Squeeze", the "Irresistible", the "California Crusher", and,
|
|
of course, the perennial favorite, "Milking Time Down on the Farm". Or,
|
|
using our exclusive Interactive Mode, invent your own!
|
|
SofSqueeze is made of sturdy ABS plastic, and is completely
|
|
immersible for easy cleaning. SofSqueeze's flesh-toned exterior is finely
|
|
textured for a realistic effect. Requires 4K RAM, a DB25 serial port and
|
|
limited graphics capability. Comes fully assembled, with 4 AA batteries.
|
|
%
|
|
Attracted by repeated newspaper advertisements, and realizing that
|
|
his waist had gone both East and West despite his daily racquetball, a young
|
|
executive appeared at a local health resort. Looking over the several weight
|
|
loss plans offered, he selected one guaranteed to reduce his weight by two
|
|
pounds per day. After a light breakfast, and an almost non-existent lunch, he
|
|
was escorted to a large room, where a young, attractive woman told him that
|
|
"if he caught her, he could have her". After an hour of hard running, he
|
|
finally gave up; and weighing himself, was comforted to realize that he had
|
|
lost just under three pounds. Returning the next week, he chose the plan that
|
|
was to reduce his weight by four pounds per session. After following the same
|
|
regimen, he was again escorted to a large room, but after two hours of running,
|
|
he caught the young woman. Weight loss, just over four pounds. Returning the
|
|
following week, he chose to lose eight pounds in a single day. He was shown
|
|
to the largest room he'd seen, by far, where he was confronted by an extremely
|
|
muscular, burly man, who looked him square in the eye, flung his towel into
|
|
a corner, and snarled, "You know the rules. Start running!"
|
|
%
|
|
Barbra Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American
|
|
Indians. After a tour of a reservation they were on, she was curious as to
|
|
the number of feathers in the headdresses. She asked a brave who had only
|
|
one feather in his headdress. His reply was, "Me have only one squaw, me
|
|
have only one feather." She asked another brave, feeling the first fellow
|
|
was only joking. This brave had four feathers in his headdress. He replied,
|
|
"Me have four feathers, because me sleep with four squaws."
|
|
Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of
|
|
squaws involved, she decided to interview the Chief. Now the Chief had a
|
|
headdress full of feathers which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters.
|
|
Ms. W: "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?"
|
|
Chief: "Me Chief, me fuck-em all, big, small, fat, tall,
|
|
me fuck-em all."
|
|
Ms. W: "You ought to be hung!"
|
|
Chief: "You damned right, me hung. Big like buffalo, long like snake."
|
|
Ms. W: "You don't have to be so hostile!"
|
|
Chief: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any-style, me fuck-em all."
|
|
Ms. W: "Oh, dear!"
|
|
Chief: "No deer, me no fuck deer. Asshole too high and fuckers run
|
|
too fast."
|
|
%
|
|
Before he went off to the wars, King Arthur locked his lovely wife,
|
|
Guinevere, into her chastity belt. Then he summoned his loyal friend and
|
|
subject Sir Lancelot. "Lancelot, noble knight," said Arthur, "within this
|
|
sturdy belt is imprisoned the virtue of my wife. The key to this chaste
|
|
treasure I will entrust to only one man in the world. To you."
|
|
Humbled before this great honor, Lancelot knelt, received his king's
|
|
blessing and took charge of the key. Arthur mounted his steed and rode off.
|
|
Not half a mile from his castle, he heard hoofbeats behind him and turned to
|
|
see Sir Lancelot riding hard to catch up with him.
|
|
"What is amiss, my friend?" asked the king.
|
|
"My lord," gasped Lancelot, "you have given me the wrong key!"
|
|
%
|
|
Bill had just returned from a week of honeymooning, and his best
|
|
friend asked him how it went.
|
|
"The first night we did it nine times," Bill said. "The second
|
|
night, eight times. The third night, seven times. The fourth night, six
|
|
times. The fifth night, five times. The sixth night, four times, and the
|
|
last night, nothing!"
|
|
"Nothing?" his pal asked. "How come?"
|
|
"Hey, you ever tried putting a marshmallow in a parking meter?"
|
|
%
|
|
But among the children of the Great Society there were those whose
|
|
skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly, and of the fatted
|
|
calf they were sucking hind teat...
|
|
Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and they
|
|
called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my people go to
|
|
the front of the bus."
|
|
But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all
|
|
deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove
|
|
yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like
|
|
unto a snowball in Hell."
|
|
-- "The Begatting of a President"
|
|
%
|
|
But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that
|
|
cannot be produced by either of the parties working alone. It is akin
|
|
to the benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation. The
|
|
latter is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing
|
|
with him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole
|
|
bunch of knuckles.
|
|
-- Harlan Ellison
|
|
%
|
|
"Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with
|
|
your penis?"
|
|
"Uh, not right now."
|
|
"Tsk, tsk. A girl has to have *some* standards."
|
|
-- Real Genius
|
|
%
|
|
Churchill was known to drain a glass or two and, after one
|
|
particularly convivial evening, he chanced to encounter Miss Bessie Braddock,
|
|
a Socialist member of the House of Commons, who, upon seeing his condition,
|
|
said, "Winston, you're drunk." Mustering all his dignity, Churchill drew
|
|
himself up to his full height, cocked an eyebrow and rejoined, "Shove it up
|
|
your ass, you ugly cunt."
|
|
When the noted playwright George Bernard Shaw sent him two tickets to
|
|
the opening night of his new play with a note that read: "Bring a friend, if
|
|
you have one," Churchill, not to be outdone, promptly wired back: "You and
|
|
your play can go fuck yourselves."
|
|
At an elegant dinner party, Lady Astor once leaned across the table
|
|
to remark, "If you were my husband, Winston, I'd poison your coffee." "And
|
|
if you were my wife, I'd beat the shit out of you," came Churchill's
|
|
unhesitating retort.
|
|
-- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
|
|
%
|
|
"Daddy?"
|
|
"Yes son."
|
|
"Wha-wha-wha-what does regret mean?"
|
|
"Well, son, a funny thing about regret is that it's better to regret
|
|
something you have done, than to regret something you haven't done. And by
|
|
the way, if you see your Mom this weekend, would be you sure and tell her,
|
|
`SATAN, SATAN, SATAN!!!'"
|
|
-- Butthole Surfers, "Sweat Loaf"
|
|
%
|
|
Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule
|
|
|
|
Sept 14 Pasadena Junior High
|
|
Sept 21 Boy Scout Troop 049
|
|
Sept 28 Blind Academy
|
|
Sept 30 World War I Veterans
|
|
Oct 5 Brownie Scout Troop 041
|
|
Oct 12 Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders
|
|
Oct 26 St. Thomas Boys Choir
|
|
Nov 2 Texas City Vet Clinic
|
|
Nov 9 Korean War Amputees
|
|
Nov 15 VA Hospital Polio Patients
|
|
%
|
|
"Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll
|
|
be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the phone?"
|
|
%
|
|
"Darling", said the young bride, "tell me what's bothering you.
|
|
We promised to share all our joys and sorrows, remember?"
|
|
"But this is different," protested her husband.
|
|
"Together, darling," she insisted, "we will bear the burden.
|
|
Now tell me what our problem is."
|
|
"Well," said the husband, "we've just become the father of a
|
|
bastard child."
|
|
%
|
|
"Darling," she whispered, "will you still love me after we are
|
|
married?"
|
|
He considered this for a moment and then replied, "I think so.
|
|
I've always been especially fond of married women."
|
|
%
|
|
Desperate about the state of her social life, a young woman resorted
|
|
to the Personal Ads in the back of her local paper. In the ad she made it
|
|
quite clear that what she was advertising for was an expert lover; she already
|
|
had plenty of sensitive friends and meaningful relationships and what she
|
|
now wanted was to get laid, to put it bluntly. Phone calls started coming
|
|
in, with each caller testifying to his sexual prowess, but none quite struck
|
|
the young woman's fancy. Until one night her doorbell rang. Opening the door
|
|
she found a man with no arms or legs, who informed her that he was there in
|
|
response to her advertisement. "I'm terribly sorry," she stammered, "but my
|
|
ad was quite explicit. I'm really looking for something of a sexual expert,
|
|
and you... uh... don't have all the..."
|
|
"Listen," the man interrupted her, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
|
|
%
|
|
"Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly,
|
|
sincerely, extremely dangerously.
|
|
They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs.
|
|
They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They used
|
|
intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used finks.
|
|
They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used fallaron. They
|
|
used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. They used the
|
|
bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery.
|
|
They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics.
|
|
They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him.
|
|
-- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man"
|
|
%
|
|
During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were
|
|
blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-face
|
|
country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost
|
|
hit my wife."
|
|
"Did I?" cried one hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a shot
|
|
at mine, over there."
|
|
%
|
|
During a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her
|
|
husband: "That's not true, I do enjoy sex!" Then, turning to the counselor,
|
|
she added: "But this fiend expects it three or four times a year!"
|
|
%
|
|
Ed, a traveling salesman, had his car break down in the middle of a
|
|
blizzard. He trudged to a nearby farmhouse where the farmer told him that,
|
|
while they were short of beds, he could sleep with his daughter. She proved
|
|
to be eighteen and beautiful. So they went to bed, and shortly, Ed made a
|
|
pass at the daughter. "Stop that!" she said. "I'll call my father."
|
|
He desisted. But half an hour later he made another attempt. "Uh,
|
|
stop ... that," she said. "I'll call my father."
|
|
But she moved closer to him, so he made a third try. This time, no
|
|
protest, no threat. Just as Ed, satisfied, was about to drowse off, she
|
|
tugged at his pajama sleeve. "Could we do that again?" she asked.
|
|
Ed obliged, and this time fell asleep only to be awakened by the
|
|
tug at his sleeve. "Again?"
|
|
And again Ed obliged. But when his sleep was once more interrupted
|
|
by the tugging at his pajama sleeve, Ed indignantly pulled it away from her
|
|
and mumbled, "Stop that! Or I'll call your father."
|
|
%
|
|
Elroy stared at Barb and then leaned quietly over to Shake Tiller
|
|
and stuck out his hand. "Son," he said. "Tell the truth. It ain't better
|
|
than fried chicken, is it?"
|
|
Shake looked solemnly at Elroy, clasping his hand, and said:
|
|
"I got to be dead honest, Roy."
|
|
And Elroy said yeah, lay it on him.
|
|
Shake said slowly, "For a Lesbian who gave up the only real love she
|
|
ever knew -- Sister Francis at Our Lady of Victory -- and for a person who
|
|
can't make it any more with nothing but an electric toothbrush, she's the
|
|
finest I've ever had."
|
|
-- Dan Jenkins, "Semi-Tough"
|
|
%
|
|
Ever thought of putting a ferret down your pants? Yes, ferrets,
|
|
those weasel-like animals originally trained to hunt rats and possessing
|
|
needle sharp claws and razor sharp teeth. The English do it for sport.
|
|
Ferret Legging involves the tying of a competitors's trousers at
|
|
the ankles and then dropping into the trousers a couple of vicious ferrets.
|
|
No jockstraps or underwear allowed -- nothing but the bodies' own. The
|
|
ferrets must be young and in good condition. Neither the ferret or the
|
|
contestant may be drugged or drunk -- cold eyed sober only. The trousers
|
|
should be loose fitting, to allow the ferret to scramble from one leg to
|
|
the other, and are traditionally white, so that the blood shows better.
|
|
Normal contestants are able to keep them down for up to 40 seconds.
|
|
The champion ferret legger, Reg Mellor, of Yorkshire, holds the world record
|
|
of 5 hours and 26 minutes. Mr. Mellor's claims that being the champion is
|
|
not so much heroism but, "You just got to be able to have your tool bitten
|
|
and not care."
|
|
%
|
|
Every morning, the crowd on Coney Island beach was startled to see
|
|
a jogger with the build of a pro football player but a head the size of a
|
|
baseball. Finally, some brave young man got up the nerve to stop him and
|
|
ask, "What happened to give you such a small head?"
|
|
The jogger sadly told the story of finding a magic lamp on the beach,
|
|
which produced a beautiful genie when rubbed. The genie said, "I now give
|
|
you one wish. Do you want a quick fuck or a little head?"
|
|
%
|
|
Everyone in the smart nightclub was amazed by the old gentleman,
|
|
obviously pushing 70, tossing off manhattans and cavorting around the dance
|
|
floor like a 20-year old. Finally curiosity got the best of the cigarette
|
|
girl. "I beg your pardon, sir," she said, "but I'm amazed to see a gentleman
|
|
of your age living it up like a youngster. Tell me, are all of your faculties
|
|
unimpaired?"
|
|
The old fellow looked up at the girl sadly and shook his head. "Not
|
|
all, I'm afraid." he said. "Just last evening I went nightclubbing with a
|
|
girlfriend -- we drank and danced all night and finally rolled into her place
|
|
about two A.M. We went to bed immediately, and I was asleep almost as soon
|
|
as my head hit the pillow. I woke around three-thirty and nudged my girl."
|
|
"Why, George," she said in surprise, "we did that fifteen minutes ago."
|
|
"So you see," the old boy said sadly, "my memory is beginning to
|
|
fail me."
|
|
%
|
|
Farmer Johnson was drunk again.
|
|
"You know, Anna," he said to his long-suffering wife, "if you could
|
|
only lay eggs we could get rid of all those damn chickens."
|
|
Anna said nothing. Farmer Johnson tried again. "You know, Anna, if
|
|
only you could give milk we could get rid of that expensive herd of cows."
|
|
Anna looked at him coolly. "You know, Jack," she said, "if only you
|
|
could get it up once in a while we could get rid of your brother Bob."
|
|
%
|
|
"First, I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a little tight,"
|
|
said the guy aggressively.
|
|
"Oh, no, you're not," said the girl.
|
|
"Then I'll take you to dinner at the most exclusive restaurant in
|
|
town."
|
|
"Oh, no, you won't."
|
|
"Then I'll take you to my apartment and mix up a pitcher of daiquiris."
|
|
"Oh, no, you won't."
|
|
"Then I'm going to make violent, mad, passionate love to you."
|
|
"Oh, no, you're not."
|
|
"And I'm not going to take any precautions either!" said the guy.
|
|
"Oh, yes, you are!!" said the girl.
|
|
%
|
|
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief
|
|
vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an
|
|
affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting
|
|
few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped
|
|
short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
|
|
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?"
|
|
he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married,
|
|
and the baby would have my name!"
|
|
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition,
|
|
we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and finally decided it would be
|
|
better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
|
|
%
|
|
Four Oxford dons were taking their evening walk together and as
|
|
usual, were engaged in casual but learned conversation. On this particular
|
|
evening, their conversation was about the names given to groups of animals,
|
|
such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese."
|
|
One of the professors noticed a group of prostitutes down the block,
|
|
and posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?" The four
|
|
fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities...
|
|
At last, one spoke: "How about 'a Jam of Tarts'?" The others nodded
|
|
in acknowledgement as they continued to consider the problem. A second
|
|
professor spoke: "I'd suggest 'an Essay of Trollops.'" Again, the others
|
|
nodded. A third spoke: "I propose 'a Flourish of Strumpets.'"
|
|
They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor
|
|
remarked to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of
|
|
the four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies. What are your
|
|
thoughts?"
|
|
Replied the fourth professor, "'An Anthology of Prose.'"
|
|
%
|
|
Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their
|
|
engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who
|
|
was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy
|
|
and sarcastic?"
|
|
"Of course not," said a sympathetic friend.
|
|
"Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer."
|
|
%
|
|
"Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning
|
|
to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this
|
|
beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a
|
|
dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little
|
|
apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours
|
|
in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?"
|
|
%
|
|
God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no matter
|
|
what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly pleasurable,
|
|
wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent merriment.
|
|
Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone
|
|
agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals -- lions and
|
|
lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects,
|
|
though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along
|
|
innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they
|
|
were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one.
|
|
-- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
|
|
%
|
|
God decided to take the devil to court and settle their
|
|
differences once and for all.
|
|
When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just
|
|
where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
|
|
%
|
|
Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home
|
|
from the club to an irate, ranting wife.
|
|
"I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly. "You
|
|
promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost
|
|
nine. It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf."
|
|
"Honey, wait," said Harry. "Let me explain. I know what I promised
|
|
you, but I have a very good reason for being late. Fred and I tee'd off
|
|
right on time and everything was fine for the first three holes. Then, on
|
|
the fourth tee Fred had a stroke. I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't
|
|
find a doctor. And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead. So, for
|
|
the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred...
|
|
%
|
|
Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism.
|
|
No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have
|
|
been worse."
|
|
To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a
|
|
situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no
|
|
hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said,
|
|
"Harry! Did you hear what happened to George? He came home last night,
|
|
found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned
|
|
the gun on himself!"
|
|
"Terrible," said Harry. "But it could have been worse."
|
|
"How in hell," demanded his dumfounded friend, "could it possibly
|
|
have been worse?"
|
|
"Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be
|
|
dead right now."
|
|
%
|
|
Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his
|
|
proposal of marriage as he was pretty sensitive about his artificial leg
|
|
and afraid that no one would have him. In fact, he couldn't bring himself
|
|
to tell his fiancee about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger,
|
|
nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place.
|
|
All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which
|
|
she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.
|
|
The wedding came and went, and the young couple were at last alone
|
|
in their honeymoon suite. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big
|
|
surprise," smiled the bride.
|
|
Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his
|
|
leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump.
|
|
"Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that IS a surprise. But pass me the
|
|
Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!"
|
|
%
|
|
"Heard you were moving your piano, so I came over to help."
|
|
"Thanks. Got it upstairs already."
|
|
"Do it alone?"
|
|
"Nope. Hitched the cat to it."
|
|
"How would that help?"
|
|
"Used a whip."
|
|
%
|
|
"Hello, Mrs. Premise!"
|
|
"Oh, hello, Mrs. Conclusion! Busy day?"
|
|
"Busy? I just spent four hours burying the cat."
|
|
"Four hours to bury a cat!?"
|
|
"Yes, he wouldn't keep still: wrigglin' about, 'owlin'..."
|
|
"Oh, it's not dead then."
|
|
"Oh no, no, but it's not at all a well cat, and as we're
|
|
goin' away for a fortnight I thought I'd better bury it just to be
|
|
on the safe side."
|
|
"Quite right. You don't want to come back from Sorrento
|
|
to a dead cat, do you?"
|
|
-- Monty Python
|
|
%
|
|
"Hello, Police Department."
|
|
"This is Thomas Parrish, 903 Sylvester Court. I've just been sexually
|
|
molested by a pervert, right here in my own home. It was horrifying!"
|
|
"Just remain calm, sir, and tell me about it."
|
|
"Well, the man came in the window wearing a ski mask. I was napping
|
|
on the bed, in just my pajamas, and the TV set was on so I didn't hear anything.
|
|
Suddenly he had his great big old calloused hand over my mouth, holding me down.
|
|
I tried to scream... he was pulling my pants off. I was so frightened! He
|
|
held a knife to my throat and undressed so quickly. What could I do? I
|
|
couldn't stop him. He was huge. A great, hairy, beefy man, more than fifty
|
|
pounds heavier than I am, and hung like... Oh! it was terrible. He had an
|
|
erection, and he knelt on my shoulders and forced the awful thing down my
|
|
throat; forced me to suck it. Yes, officer! There was no escaping this man.
|
|
Finally, when I thought I would faint, he got off me and turned me over on
|
|
my tummy, forcing my legs apart with his knees, and oh! I'm so embarrassed to
|
|
say it, he put that huge thing... It must have been a foot long, and I don't
|
|
know how thick... into my... Just a minute."
|
|
"What's the matter, mister?"
|
|
"Listen, I have to hang up now, he's getting out of the shower."
|
|
%
|
|
Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled
|
|
with the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John
|
|
Paul Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't
|
|
define pornography, but he knew it when he saw it. So for a while, the
|
|
court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to
|
|
Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over. "Nope, this isn't
|
|
it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until one morning when
|
|
his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an
|
|
enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a
|
|
ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except
|
|
that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about
|
|
it because the court was going to take a nap.
|
|
-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
|
|
%
|
|
"How'd you get that flat?"
|
|
"Ran over a bottle."
|
|
"Didn't you see it?"
|
|
"Damn kid had it under his coat."
|
|
%
|
|
"I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into
|
|
the phone. "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information."
|
|
"Who was that?" his young wife asked.
|
|
"Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear."
|
|
%
|
|
"I know a life of crime led me to this sorry state. I blame
|
|
society. Society made me what I am today!"
|
|
"That's bullshit Archie. You're just a young suburban punk
|
|
like me."
|
|
"It still... hurts... auugghh!"
|
|
"You're going to be okay..."
|
|
"...gurgle..."
|
|
"... maybe not."
|
|
-- Repo Man
|
|
%
|
|
"I need a camel that can go without water for at least three weeks,"
|
|
the American said to an Algerian camel merchant. "Is it possible?"
|
|
"All things are possible," replied the merchant. He proceeded to
|
|
take a camel out of his barn and lead him to a tank of water. After the
|
|
camel had drunk its fill and was about to lift its head out of the tank,
|
|
the merchant picked up two nearby bricks, one in each hand, stepped behind
|
|
the camel, and smacked his testicles with the bricks.
|
|
The camel let out a gigantic "Whhoooosh!" and sucked up what seemed
|
|
like twenty more gallons of water.
|
|
The American stared incredulously at the camel merchant. "My God,
|
|
man!" he exclaimed, "doesn't that hurt?!"
|
|
The merchant shrugged. "Only if you get your thumbs in between the
|
|
bricks."
|
|
%
|
|
"I think my wife may be getting somewhat overweight.
|
|
"Oh, how can you tell?"
|
|
"Well, last night when she sat on my face, I couldn't
|
|
hear the stereo."
|
|
%
|
|
I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said,
|
|
"What'll you have, Bud"?
|
|
I said," I don't know, surprise me".
|
|
So he showed me a nude picture of my wife.
|
|
-- Rodney Dangerfield
|
|
%
|
|
"I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the
|
|
young man to his father as he prepared to leave home. "Don't try to stop me.
|
|
I'm on my way."
|
|
"Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father. "Take me along!"
|
|
%
|
|
In the beginning, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be
|
|
mud."
|
|
And there was mud.
|
|
And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud
|
|
can see what we have done."
|
|
And God created every living creature that now moveth, and one was
|
|
man. Mud-as-man alone could speak.
|
|
"What is the purpose of all this?" man asked politely.
|
|
"Everything must have a purpose?" asked God.
|
|
"Certainly," said man.
|
|
"Then I leave it to you to think of one for all of this," said God.
|
|
And He went away.
|
|
-- Kurt Vonnegut, Between Time and Timbuktu"
|
|
%
|
|
In the morning, laughing, happy fish heads
|
|
In the evening, floating in the soup.
|
|
(chorus):
|
|
Fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fish heads;
|
|
Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up. Yum!
|
|
You can ask them anything you want to.
|
|
They won't answer; they can't talk.
|
|
(chorus):
|
|
I took a fish head out to see a movie,
|
|
Didn't have to pay to get it in.
|
|
(chorus):
|
|
They can't play baseball; they don't wear sweaters;
|
|
They aren't good dancers; they can't play drums.
|
|
(chorus):
|
|
Roly-poly fish heads are NEVER seen drinking cappucino in
|
|
Italian restaurants with Oriental women.
|
|
(chorus):
|
|
Fishy!
|
|
(chorus):
|
|
-- Fish Heads
|
|
%
|
|
In what can only be described as a surprise move, God has officially
|
|
announced His candidacy for the U.S. presidency. During His press conference
|
|
today, the first in over 4000 years, He is quoted as saying, "I think I have
|
|
a chance for the White House if I can just get my campaign pulled together
|
|
in time. I'd like to get this country turned around; I mean REALLY turned
|
|
around! Let's put Florida up north for awhile, and let's get rid of all
|
|
those annoying mountains and rivers. I never could stand them!"
|
|
There apparently is still some controversy over the Almighty's
|
|
citizenship and other qualifications for the Presidency. God replied to
|
|
these charges by saying, "Come on, would the United States have anyone other
|
|
than a citizen bless their country?"
|
|
%
|
|
It seems there were two young Marines walking down the street, and
|
|
they chanced upon a lady who was both very proper and very well endowed.
|
|
One of them said, "Wow! What tits! Hey lady, would I love to snuggle up with
|
|
them for awhile. What are you doing this afternoon?"
|
|
Well, the other Marine thought that was just about the most shameful
|
|
thing he had ever witnessed, and felt that he had to restore the honor of the
|
|
Corps. "Pardon my friend, Ma'am," he apologized, "He's not been very well
|
|
brought up and don't know how to talk to cunt."
|
|
%
|
|
It was April the 41st, being a quadruple leap year. I was driving
|
|
in downtown Atlantis. My Barracuda was in the shop, so I was in a rented
|
|
Stingray, and it was overheating. So I pulled into a Shell station. They
|
|
said I'd blown a seal. I said, "Fix the damn thing and leave my private
|
|
life out of it, okay, pal?" While they were doing that, I walked over to the
|
|
Oyster Bar. A real dive. But I knew the owner. He used to play for the
|
|
Dolphins. I said "Hi, Gil!" You have to yell -- he's hard of herring.
|
|
-- Kip Addotta, "Wet Dream"
|
|
%
|
|
It was in a bar in midtown Manhattan and the Frenchman and the
|
|
American were talking about love over some dry Martinis. "Deed you know,
|
|
sir," the Frenchman said, "that een my country thair are 79 different
|
|
ways how to make the REAL, passionate luff?"
|
|
"Do tell?" said the American. "Well, that's amazing. In this
|
|
country there's only one."
|
|
"Just one?" the Frenchman said, condescendingly. "And what eez
|
|
that?"
|
|
"Well, there's a man and a woman, and --"
|
|
"Sacre bleu!!" exclaimed the Frenchman. "Numbair 80!"
|
|
%
|
|
"Jean, what is this attraction between Catholic girls and
|
|
Jewish men?"
|
|
"You really want to know?"
|
|
"Yeah."
|
|
"Well, Carol, Jewish men are great in bed... right, Bob? And
|
|
Catholic girls fuck like bunnies."
|
|
%
|
|
Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of
|
|
her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit
|
|
the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her
|
|
way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly
|
|
begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her
|
|
stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
|
|
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of
|
|
the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't
|
|
mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your
|
|
wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
|
|
"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one
|
|
can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
|
|
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on
|
|
the dining room skylight."
|
|
%
|
|
Many lower life forms demonstrate qualities that, at first, just don't
|
|
seem survival oriented. For instance, the female praying mantis, after mating
|
|
with, well, her mate, will devour him. For the male praying mantis, however,
|
|
it's a catch-22. If he mates, he gets screwed out of an opportunity to mate
|
|
again. If he doesn't mate, he doesn't reproduce, ending his family tree. This
|
|
suicidal behavior is commonly called the Preying Mantis Syndrome -- and many
|
|
life forms are periodically subject to its wrath. How did the preying mantis
|
|
become stuck in such an awful, vicious cycle? This is probably what happened:
|
|
The male mantis arrives at the residence of the female mantis. After
|
|
some courtship exercises (dinner, a movie, inserting the diaphragm) they mate.
|
|
The female mantis, her lust for... lust being satisfied, relaxes while the
|
|
male raids the refrigerator and returns home. This behavior continues until
|
|
the male and female (mantissas?) establish a permanent relationship. Then the
|
|
male establishes a new pattern of behavior: Football on Mondays, baseball on
|
|
Tuesdays, happy hour on Wednesdays, uh, well, uh, working-late-at-the-office
|
|
on Thursdays, etc. etc. The female tolerates this for awhile, then files for
|
|
a divorce. After a long court battle, she concludes one thing: It simplifies
|
|
matters tremendously to just eat him when you're done with him.
|
|
Well, through the centuries of evolution, the Preying Mantis Syndrome
|
|
has been carried up to the highest life forms, as well as to humans. That is
|
|
why, one week out of every month, the female of the species will feel compelled
|
|
to bite the head off of the male. The Syndrome is inescapable, but when it
|
|
occurs in the female of our species, it's best to just avoid them for a while.
|
|
%
|
|
Mr. Hersh came home to find his wife sitting naked in front of the
|
|
mirror, admiring her breasts.
|
|
"And what do you think you're doing?" he asked.
|
|
"I went to the doctor today and he said I have the breasts of a
|
|
twenty-five-year-old."
|
|
"Oh yeah? And what did he have to say about your forty-year-old
|
|
ass?"
|
|
"Nothing," she replied. "Your name didn't come up at all."
|
|
%
|
|
Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile.
|
|
Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures. One day,
|
|
without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation. In
|
|
an instant, armed troops surround Murray and Esther and hustle them off to
|
|
prison.
|
|
They can't prove who they are because they've left their passports
|
|
in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day and night to get
|
|
them to name their contacts in the liberation movement... Finally they're
|
|
hauled in front of a military court, charged with espionage, and sentenced
|
|
to death.
|
|
The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where they'll
|
|
be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them if they have
|
|
any last requests. Esther wants to know if she can call her daughter in
|
|
Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not possible, and turns to
|
|
Murray.
|
|
"This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he
|
|
spits in the sergeants face.
|
|
"Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble."
|
|
-- Arthur Naiman
|
|
%
|
|
"My husband commits an inconceivable act of perversion with a
|
|
barnyard animal, and it's not central to my case?!"
|
|
"Not in California."
|
|
%
|
|
"My mother," said the sweet young steno, "says there are some things
|
|
a girl should not do before twenty."
|
|
"Your mother is right," said the executive, "I don't like a large
|
|
audience, either."
|
|
%
|
|
Never ask your lover if he'd dive in front of an oncoming train for
|
|
you. He doesn't know. Never ask your lover if she'd dive in front of an
|
|
oncoming band of Hell's Angels for you. She doesn't know. Never ask how many
|
|
cigarettes your lover has smoked today. Cancer is a personal commitment.
|
|
Never ask to see pictures of your lover's former lovers -- especially
|
|
the ones who dived in front of trains. If you look like one of them, you are
|
|
repeating history's mistakes. If you don't, you'll wonder what he or she saw
|
|
in the others.
|
|
While we are on the subject of pictures: You may admire the picture
|
|
of your lover cavorting naked in a tidal pool on Maui. Don't ask who took
|
|
it. The answer is obvious. A Japanese tourist took the picture.
|
|
Never ask if your lover has had therapy. Only people who have had
|
|
therapy ask if people have had therapy.
|
|
Don't ask about plaster casts of male sex organs marked JIMI, JIM, etc.
|
|
Assume that she bought them at a flea market.
|
|
-- James Peterson and Kate Nolan
|
|
%
|
|
Never take a resume seriously. Resumes only make money for the
|
|
people who write the resumes. No resume ever tells an employer how many
|
|
times a job applicant has had the clap.
|
|
Why, indeed, would anyone hire a person based on a resume written
|
|
by a professional liar?
|
|
If the applicant is a man, the employer must ask only one question:
|
|
did the applicant go to TCU?
|
|
If the applicant is a woman, the employer may simply ask: does she
|
|
have a tongue that can lick the paint off a dormitory wall?
|
|
-- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma"
|
|
%
|
|
On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum
|
|
to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena.
|
|
There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning
|
|
alive. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't
|
|
dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is
|
|
saying."
|
|
The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near
|
|
the flames as he dared, and listened intently. Then he turned and ran back
|
|
to the imperial box. "She is not talking," he reported to Nero, "she is
|
|
singing."
|
|
"Singing?" said the astounded emperor. "Singing what?"
|
|
"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."
|
|
%
|
|
Once in a medieval times...there was a King who was getting sort of
|
|
bored after dinner one night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the
|
|
court had the mightiest "weapon". The first knight stood up and proclaimed
|
|
that he had the mightiest weapon... he pulled down his pants and tied a 5
|
|
pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered... the
|
|
women swooned... the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band
|
|
played appropriate music.
|
|
Another knight stood up and claimed that he had the mightiest weapon.
|
|
He dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth
|
|
rose. The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved
|
|
multi-colored banners... and the band played appropriate music.
|
|
After several more knights tried to prove their superiority... the
|
|
King finally spoke out. "I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped
|
|
his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound,
|
|
but a 40 pound weight, plus a coffee pot, to himself. The weapon doth rose.
|
|
The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved multi-colored
|
|
banners... and the band played "God Save the Queen."
|
|
%
|
|
One day a mother and daughter are walking around a farming community
|
|
and they see a stallion mounting a mare. The daughter takes in the scene and
|
|
turns to her mother. "Mommy, what are those two horses doing?"
|
|
Her mother hastily answered, "The horse on top hurt its hoof, and the
|
|
one on the bottom is carrying him back to the stable."
|
|
The daughter shook her head and sadly replied, "Isn't that just the
|
|
way it goes? Try to help someone and you get fucked."
|
|
%
|
|
One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro-Farad decided to
|
|
seek out a cute little coil to let him discharge. He picked up Milli-Amp
|
|
and took her for a ride on his Megacycle. They rode across the Wheatstone
|
|
bridge, around the sine waves, and stopped in the magnetic field by the
|
|
flowing current. Micro-Farad, attracted by Milli-Amp's characteristic curves,
|
|
soon had her fully charged and excited, her resistance to a minimum. He laid
|
|
her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, and lowered her reluctance.
|
|
He pulled out his high voltage probe and inserted it into her socket,
|
|
connecting them in parallel and began short circuiting her resistance shunt.
|
|
Fully excited, Milli-Amp mumbled: "OHM-OHM-OHM."
|
|
With his tube operating at a maximum and her field vibrating with
|
|
his current flow, it caused her shunt to overheat, and Micro-Farad was rapidly
|
|
discharged and drained of every electron. They Fluxed all night trying
|
|
various connections and sockets until his magnet had a soft core and lost
|
|
all of its field strength.
|
|
Afterwards, Milli-Amp tried self-induction and damaged her solenoids.
|
|
With his battery fully discharged, Micro-Farad was unable to excite his field,
|
|
so they spent the night reversing polarity and blowing each others fuses.
|
|
-- Eddie Currents, "The Sex Life of an Electron"
|
|
%
|
|
One of my favorite Zoo jokes has to do with a woman who, while
|
|
visiting the zoo, decided to have a little fun with the Gorilla. She walks
|
|
up to his cage, reaches in, and begins to fondle the beast. Needless to
|
|
say, the animal becomes quite excited, and as he tries to reciprocate in
|
|
kind, the woman steps back and gives him a raspberry...!
|
|
The gorilla becomes enraged. He rips the bars from his cage, grabs
|
|
the woman, drags her back into the cage, and ravishes her. While doing so,
|
|
he inflicts a great deal of harm upon her person.
|
|
Later, at the hospital, a neighbor of the woman visits and exclaims,
|
|
"Oh, you poor dear...! Are you hurt?"
|
|
"Hurt!", "Hurt!?" the injured lady sobs, "He doesn't phone. He
|
|
never writes..."
|
|
%
|
|
One PAYDAY, MR. GOODBAR wanted a BIT O' HONEY. So he took his Miss
|
|
HERSHEY behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of 5th AVENUE and CLARK where he
|
|
there began to feel her MOUNDS. And that was an ALMOND JOY which definitely
|
|
made his TOOSIE ROLL.
|
|
He let out a SNICKER as he slipped his BUTTERFINGER up her KIT KAT
|
|
which of course caused the MILKY WAY. She screamed "OH, HENRY!" as she
|
|
squeezed his PETER, PAUL and ZAGNUTS and said "you're better then the 3
|
|
MUSKETEERS."
|
|
-- John Volby (Dr. Dirty), "The Candy Bar Poem"
|
|
%
|
|
One spring evening, after a hard rain, grandpa and grandson were
|
|
sitting out on the porch, talking. Grandpa spied a worm crawling up out
|
|
of its hole and said to his grandson, "Sonny, if you can get that there
|
|
worm back down its hole, I'll give you five dollars."
|
|
"Sure!", says sonny, and runs in the house. Out he runs an
|
|
instant later with a can of hairspray, grabs the worm, and sprays it with
|
|
the hairspray as it dangles earthward. He then slips the stiff worm back
|
|
into its hole and turns to his grandpa with a huge smile on his face.
|
|
"Well, I'll be. That was pretty smart there, boy.", he says.
|
|
"Here's your fiver.", he adds as he fishes out a bill. By then it's almost
|
|
dark, and they say their goodnights and part.
|
|
The next day sonny's playing out on the porch, and grandpa comes
|
|
out of the house and gives him a five. "But you gave me my five yesterday,
|
|
grandpa.", he remarks.
|
|
"Yep, I know. This is from your Grandma."
|
|
%
|
|
"Our school, madame, postulates, first of all, that since the
|
|
science of mathematics is an abstract science, it is best inculcated by
|
|
some concrete example."
|
|
Said the Queen, "But that sounds rather complicated."
|
|
"It occasionally leads to complications," Jurgen admitted, "through
|
|
a choice of the wrong example. But the axiom is no less true."
|
|
"Come, then, and sit next to me on this couch if you can find it in
|
|
the dark; and do you explain to me what you mean."
|
|
"Why, madame, by a concrete example I mean one that is perceptible
|
|
to any of the senses -- as to sight or hearing, or touch --"
|
|
"Oh, oh!" said the Queen, "now I perceive what you mean by a concrete
|
|
example. And grasping this, I can understand that complications must of
|
|
course arise from a choice of the wrong example."
|
|
-- James Branch Cabell, "Jurgen"
|
|
%
|
|
Out on the great American desert one day, a bald eagle reached a
|
|
state of great libidal distress. Pickings were slim, but in time, he saw a
|
|
dove flying by. "Better than nothin'", he muttered (birds in jokes can mutter)
|
|
and swooped down, grabbed the dove and flew to his nest. Feathers flew, and
|
|
eventually the dove tottered to the edge of the cliff and shouted (yes, they
|
|
shout, too):
|
|
"I'm a dove! I've been loved! And I LIKE it!"
|
|
Well, this took care of the old boy for a while but soon enough he
|
|
was at it again. All he could find was a lark, so away he went, and feathers
|
|
flew and soon the lark tottered to the edge of the cliff and shouted:
|
|
"I'm a lark! I've been sparked! And I LIKE it!"
|
|
As you can guess, some time later our friend was again in need of
|
|
amor... lib... you know! This time, all that happened by was... a duck!
|
|
So down he swooped, and feathers flew, and the next thing seen is the duck
|
|
tottering to the cliffside and shouting:
|
|
"I'M A DRAKE! THERE'S BEEN A MISTAKE! AND I DON'T LIKE IT!!!
|
|
%
|
|
People who claim to know jackrabbits will tell you they are primarily
|
|
motivated by Fear, Stupidity and Craziness. But I have spent enough time in
|
|
jackrabbit country to know that most of them lead pretty dull lives; they are
|
|
bored with their daily routines: eat, fuck, sleep, hop around a bush now and
|
|
then... No wonder some of them drift over the line into cheap thrills once in
|
|
a while; there has to be a powerful adrenaline rush in crouching by the side of
|
|
a road, waiting for the next set of headlights to come along, then streaking
|
|
out of the bushes with split-second timing and making it across to the other
|
|
side just inches in front of the speeding front wheels.
|
|
Why not? Anything that gets the adrenaline moving like a 440 volt
|
|
blast in a copper bathtub is good for the reflexes and keeps the veins free
|
|
of cholesterol ... but too many adrenaline rushes in any given time-span has
|
|
the same bad effect on the nervous system as too many electro-shock treatments
|
|
are said to have on the brain: after a while you start burning out the
|
|
circuits.
|
|
When a jackrabbit gets addicted to road running, it is only a matter
|
|
of time before he gets smashed -- and when a journalist turns into a politics
|
|
junkie he will sooner or later start raving and babbling in print about things
|
|
that only a person who has Been There can possibly understand.
|
|
-- Hunter Thompson, "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail"
|
|
%
|
|
People who write position papers often find themselves in an
|
|
enviable position. They are hired to write papers for both sides of the
|
|
position.
|
|
A good position paper will have many words in it like
|
|
"superincumbence," "egress," and "plurification."
|
|
You will not often find the phrase "lightweight dropcase
|
|
limp-wristed motherfucker" in a serious position paper.
|
|
Charts and multiplication tables should always be included in
|
|
position papers. They should look complicated enough to make Albert
|
|
Einstein stagger across the room for a Tylenol.
|
|
A good position paper will never underestimate the value of a
|
|
semicolon.
|
|
-- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma"
|
|
%
|
|
Santa Claus comes down the chimney and the nubile sixteen-year-old
|
|
has been waiting for him. Santa sees her, and in typically unflappable
|
|
Santa-style says, "And what do you want for Christmas, little girl?"
|
|
The girl, and she's not so little, tells him. Well, Santa is
|
|
definitely flapped by this, but he manages to come out with, "Ho ho ho,
|
|
gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, you know."
|
|
The girl, not to be daunted, takes off her robe. "Aw, please stay
|
|
Santa," she begs.
|
|
He replies, "Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta get the children their toys,
|
|
you know."
|
|
She then takes off her pajama top, her firm pouting breasts pointing
|
|
at Santa like an accusation. "Aw, please stay Santa," she pleads.
|
|
"Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, you know."
|
|
Finally, she takes off her pajama bottoms, revealing to Santa her
|
|
warm mound of delight. "Aw, please stay, Santa," she begs.
|
|
Being only mortal, Santa finally gives in, sighing, "Hey hey hey,
|
|
gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way."
|
|
%
|
|
Sentenced to two years hard labor (for sodomy), Oscar Wilde
|
|
stood handcuffed in driving rain waiting for transport to prison. "If
|
|
this is the way Queen Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked, "she
|
|
doesn't deserve to have any."
|
|
|
|
James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother")
|
|
failure in his West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to
|
|
remark in later life, "If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a
|
|
major general."
|
|
|
|
(German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed,
|
|
complained, "Only one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a
|
|
while and then added, "And he didn't understand me."
|
|
|
|
Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly
|
|
pointed out of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening
|
|
sight I have ever seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing
|
|
more alarming than a priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand
|
|
on the child's shoulder. "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning
|
|
out of the car. "Run for your life!"
|
|
|
|
Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the
|
|
Senate, got on better with the House of Representatives. A popular
|
|
story circulating during his presidency concerned the night he was
|
|
roused by his wife crying, "Wake up! I think there are burglars in the
|
|
house."
|
|
"No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate
|
|
maybe, but not in the House."
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
Shortly after arriving at their honeymoon destination, the
|
|
still-nervous groom became worried about the state of his bride's innocence.
|
|
Deciding on a direct confrontation, he quickly undressed, pointed at his
|
|
exposed manhood and asked his mate, "Do you know what this is?"
|
|
Without hesitation, she blushingly answered, "That's a wee-wee."
|
|
Delighted at the idea of instructing his naive wife in the ways of
|
|
love, the husband whispered, "From now on, dearest, this will be called a
|
|
prick."
|
|
"Oh, come now," the girl chided. "I've seen lots of pricks and I
|
|
assure you, that's a wee-wee."
|
|
%
|
|
Shortly after Churchill had grown a moustache, he was accosted by a
|
|
certain young lady whose political views were in direct opposition to his
|
|
own. Fancying herself something of a wag, she exclaimed, "Mr. Churchill, I
|
|
care for neither your politics nor your moustache." Unabashed, the young
|
|
statesman regarded her quietly for a moment, the wryly commented, "Suck my
|
|
dick."
|
|
While serving as a subaltern in the Boer War, the young Churchill was
|
|
asked by a superior officer to give his opinion of the Boers as soldiers.
|
|
"They're assholes, sir," he ventured, then paused briefly and added, with a
|
|
whimsical smile, "They're assholes."
|
|
Churchill was given to reading in the bathtub and, while staying at
|
|
the White House, he once became so engrossed in an account of the Battle of
|
|
Fonteney that he forgot President Roosevelt was due to drop by to discuss the
|
|
upcoming conference in Yalta. At the appointed hour, the President was
|
|
wheeled into Churchill's quarters only to be informed that the Prime Minister
|
|
had not finished bathing. Roosevelt was about to apologize for the intrusion
|
|
and depart when Churchill, puffing his customary cigar, strode into the room
|
|
stark naked and greeted the nonplussed world leader with a terse, "What are
|
|
you staring at, homo?"
|
|
-- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
|
|
%
|
|
"Sir", said the beggar, "can you spare fifty dollars for a cup of
|
|
coffee?"
|
|
"Fifty dollars for a cup of coffee, one should be sufficient!",
|
|
answered the gentleman, rather shortly.
|
|
"I know", replied the beggar, "but coffee always makes me horny."
|
|
%
|
|
"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a
|
|
sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar.
|
|
"How do you know?" the friend asked.
|
|
"She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where
|
|
she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley."
|
|
"So?"
|
|
"So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley."
|
|
%
|
|
The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't just
|
|
say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these
|
|
primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot,
|
|
and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal
|
|
saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think
|
|
you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same
|
|
time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of
|
|
Northern Mali that you may be interested in."
|
|
So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic
|
|
publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest
|
|
naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason
|
|
naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an
|
|
article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System
|
|
Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But
|
|
others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev.
|
|
Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked.
|
|
-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
|
|
%
|
|
The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff:
|
|
"You claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle
|
|
in his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"
|
|
"Yes," the man admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course,
|
|
but not much good in a fight."
|
|
%
|
|
The devout Jew was beside himself because his son had been dating
|
|
a shiksa, so he went to visit his rabbi. The rabbi listened solemnly to
|
|
his problem, took his hand, and said, "Pray to God."
|
|
So the Jew went to the synagogue, bowed his head, and prayed, "God,
|
|
please help me. My son, my favorite son, he's going to marry a shiksa, he
|
|
sees nothing but goyim..."
|
|
"Your son," boomed down this voice from the heavens, "you think
|
|
you got problems. What about my son?"
|
|
%
|
|
The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough
|
|
physical examination. "The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said,
|
|
"is give up drinking, give up smoking, get to bed early and stay away
|
|
from women."
|
|
"Doc, I don't deserve the best," pleaded his patient. "What's
|
|
second best?"
|
|
%
|
|
The famous Nell Gwynn, stepping one day from a house where she had
|
|
made a short visit into her coach, saw a great crowd assembled, and her
|
|
footman all bloody and dirty; the fellow being asked by his mistress, the
|
|
reason for his being in that condition, answered, "I have been fighting,
|
|
madam, with an impudent rascal who called your ladyship a whore."
|
|
"You blockhead," replied Mrs. Gywnn, "at this rate you must fight
|
|
every day of your life; why, you fool, all the world knows it."
|
|
"Do they?" cries the fellow, in a muttering voice, after he had shut
|
|
the coach door, "they shan't call me a whore's footman for all that."
|
|
-- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones"
|
|
%
|
|
The foreman of a lumber camp put a new workman on the circular saw.
|
|
As he turned away, he heard the man say, "Ouch!".
|
|
"What happened?"
|
|
"Dunno," replied the man. "I just stuck out my hand like this, and
|
|
-- well, I'll be damned. There goes another one!"
|
|
%
|
|
The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding.
|
|
After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a
|
|
branch scraped her forehead lightly. The groom dismounted, glared at his
|
|
wife's horse, and said, "That's number one."
|
|
The ride then proceeded. After another mile or so, the bride's
|
|
horse stumbled over a pebble and the lady suffered a slight jostling.
|
|
Again, her man leapt from his saddle and strode over to the nervous animal.
|
|
"That's two," he said.
|
|
Five miles later, the bride's horse became frightened when a rabbit
|
|
crossed its path, reared up and threw the girl. Immediately, the groom was
|
|
off his horse. "That's three!", he shouted, and, pulling out a pistol, he
|
|
shot the horse between the eyes.
|
|
"You brute!" shrieked his bride. "Now I see the kind of man I
|
|
married! You're a sadist, that's what!"
|
|
The groom turned to her coolly. "That's one," he said.
|
|
%
|
|
The man standing at the bar (in court, unfortunately) was well-
|
|
dressed, alert and obviously intelligent. The judge asked him how he
|
|
pleaded to the charge of rape and, much to the magistrate's surprise, he
|
|
replied, "Not guilty by reason of insanity, your Honor."
|
|
"Insanity?" exclaimed the judge.
|
|
"Yes, sir," said the defendant. "I'm just crazy about it."
|
|
%
|
|
The new patron was amazed by the cleanliness of the restaurant. A
|
|
waiter approached the table. "Good afternoon, sir. What may I serve you?"
|
|
"I'll have the steak dinner," the man answered.
|
|
As the waiter headed for the kitchen, the diner noticed that he
|
|
wore a spotless white apron and clean white gloves. Soon the waiter
|
|
returned, bearing a casserole dish on a cart which he uncovered to reveal
|
|
two tempting filet mignons. From a covered pocket in his apron he produced
|
|
a small pair of shining silver tongs and with them he transferred the meat
|
|
from the steaming casserole to the diner's plate. "We never touch anything
|
|
with our hands," he explained.
|
|
The waiter continued serving. "Confidentially," he said, "we even
|
|
have a special set of rules about visiting the lavatory. Do you see this
|
|
little piece of string attached to my apron?"
|
|
"Yes," the diner replied. "I noticed that all the aprons had one."
|
|
The waiter put a large browned potato on the plate with his tongs.
|
|
"Well," he began, "if I should have to go to the bathroom, that string
|
|
comes in very handily. I simply unzip my pants and take it out with that
|
|
piece of string. That way everything stays sanitary."
|
|
"But how do you put it back?"
|
|
"Well, I don't know about the other guys," the waiter confided, "but
|
|
I use the tongs."
|
|
%
|
|
The old mailman is making his last rounds; he retires at the end of
|
|
the week. As he approaches the Jones' house, Mrs. Jones greets him warmly at
|
|
the door. "Please come in! We're very grateful for your years of service to
|
|
us and our neighborhood. I've prepared something special for you."
|
|
In walks the mailman, to a graciously appointed dining room, where
|
|
Mrs. Jones has prepared a sumptuous lunch. After dumping his letter satchel
|
|
on the couch, he and Mrs. Jones have a charming meal. As the mailman finished
|
|
his last glass of wine, thanking his hostess profusely, she stops him from
|
|
leaving and disappears upstairs. She returns in a moment, in a daring
|
|
negligee, and takes the astonished postman to the bedroom, where the elaborate
|
|
farewell is consummated between the sheets.
|
|
As he's putting his pants on, Mrs. Jones reaches into her nightstand,
|
|
pulls out a dollar bill, and hands it to him. Reacting to his astonished
|
|
look, she says, "Well, I told my husband that you were retiring and that
|
|
we should do something for you. He said 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar!'"
|
|
She pauses and smiles proudly. "The lunch was MY idea."
|
|
%
|
|
The other day my girlfriend and I were going to a party and on the
|
|
way there, we got a flat tire. We got out of the car and I pumped, she
|
|
jacked I pumped, she jacked, I pumped, she jacked and then we changed the
|
|
tire. Eventually we arrived at the party and when we walked in, everyone was
|
|
jumping for joy. What a sight seeing her hanging nude from the chandelier!
|
|
Well the party was OK, I guess, we just sat around drinking sherry and eating
|
|
candy. Everybody else started feeling merry. Those have got to be the three
|
|
wildest girls I know.
|
|
%
|
|
The people of Halifax invented the trampoline. During the Victorian
|
|
period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a large wooden
|
|
frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress' it. The tripoline,
|
|
as they called it, degenerated into becoming the apparatus for a spectator
|
|
sport.
|
|
The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for
|
|
castrating pigs during Sunday service.
|
|
-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
|
|
%
|
|
The radio was screaming: "Power to the People -- Right On!" John
|
|
Lennon's political song, ten years too late. "That poor fool should have
|
|
stayed where he was," said my attorney. "Punks like him only get in the
|
|
way when they try to be serious."
|
|
"Speaking of serious," I said. "I think it's about time to get
|
|
into the ether and the cocaine."
|
|
"Forget ether," he said. "Let's save it for soaking down the rug
|
|
in the suite. But here's this. Your half of the sunshine blotter. Just
|
|
chew it up like baseball gum."
|
|
I took the blotter and ate it. My attorney was now fumbling with
|
|
the salt shaker containing the cocaine. Opening it. Spilling it. Then
|
|
screaming and grabbing at the air, as our fine white dust blew up and out
|
|
across the desert highway. A very expensive little twister rising up from
|
|
the Great Red Shark. "Oh, Jesus!" he moaned. "Did you see what God just
|
|
did to us?"
|
|
-- Raoul Duke, "Rolling Stone", issue 95, Nov. 11, 1971
|
|
%
|
|
THE TEN STAGES OF INTOXICATION
|
|
|
|
1. WITTY AND CHARMING: This is after one or two drinks. The tongue is
|
|
loosened and can yet remain in step with the brain. In the "witty
|
|
and charming" state, one is likely to use foreign idioms and
|
|
phrases such as "au contraire" in place of "No way, Jose" or
|
|
"Bullsheyet".
|
|
2. RICH AND POWERFUL: By the third drink, you begin mentioning the little
|
|
380 SL you've had your eye on down at the Mercedes place.
|
|
3. BENEVOLENT: You'll buy her a Mercedes, too. It's only money.
|
|
4. JUST ONE MORE AND THEN WE'LL EAT: Stall tactic.
|
|
5. TO HELL WITH DINNER: Just one more and then we'll eat.
|
|
6. PATRIOTIC: The war stories begin.
|
|
7. CRANK UP THE "ENOLA GAY": "We could have won in Nam, but..."
|
|
8. INVISIBLE: So this is what the Ladies' Room looks like.
|
|
9. WITTY AND CHARMING PART II: You know, you don't sweat much for a fat girl.
|
|
10. BULLETPROOF: Bull-sheyet, gimme them keys, I can drive.
|
|
-- Lewis Grizzard, "My Daddy Was a Pistol and I'm a Son
|
|
of a Gun".
|
|
%
|
|
The young male race horse came from a long line of winners, and did
|
|
wonderfully in time trials. However, in actual races he proved a little too
|
|
romantic, and could never quite bring himself to pass a mare.
|
|
So one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have to be
|
|
castrated. The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue
|
|
factory, took it philosophically. After all, having the operation was
|
|
almost a certain guarantee of a long and illustrious racing career.
|
|
After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in time
|
|
trials, and found to do as well as ever. But the first time he actually
|
|
ran in a race, he only went about ten paces, before getting a dejected look
|
|
on his face, turning around, and ambling back to the starting gates.
|
|
"What's the matter?" asked the trainer, "you were doing great!"
|
|
"Yeah, well how would you feel" replied the horse, "if five thousand
|
|
people took one look at you and shouted `they're off!'?"
|
|
%
|
|
The young man took a blind date to the amusement park. They went
|
|
for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.
|
|
"What would you like to do next?" he asked.
|
|
"I wanna get weighed," she said. So he took her over to the weight
|
|
guesser. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that he bought her some
|
|
popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.
|
|
"I wanna get weighed," she said, bluntly.
|
|
I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the boy, and
|
|
using the excuse that he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.
|
|
The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's
|
|
wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"
|
|
"Wousy," said the girl.
|
|
%
|
|
There are two couples that want to convert to Catholicism. They go
|
|
and see a priest and he tells them that the first requirement is to abstain
|
|
from sex for thirty days.
|
|
Thirty days later, the couples come back to see the priest. He asks
|
|
the first couple if they passed the test.
|
|
"Father, we didn't so much as TOUCH one another during the last month.
|
|
"Congratulations," the priest replies, "you are now qualified to enter
|
|
the Church." Then, the priests asked the second couple how they did.
|
|
"Well, Father," the husband says, "everything was going just fine
|
|
until the 27th day. My wife bent over the freezer to get something out, and
|
|
I just happened to notice that she didn't have any panties on. I couldn't
|
|
stand it any more, so I walked over to her, dropped my pants, and slipped it
|
|
to her right there."
|
|
"That's DISGUSTING!", the priest bellows. "I can never let you into
|
|
the Church after something like that."
|
|
"I understand Father," the man replies sadly, "they won't let us
|
|
into Safeway anymore either."
|
|
%
|
|
There was an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Newfoundlander sitting in
|
|
a bar having a few drinks together.
|
|
The Englishman turns to the Frenchman, "So tell me, what do you do to
|
|
drive your wife wild in bed?"
|
|
"Well", replies the Frenchman, "After we make love, I go out to the
|
|
garden and pick some roses. Then I take the petals off and put them all over
|
|
her body. then I gently blow them off with a soft, even breath, and that drives
|
|
her wild with desire."
|
|
"Interesting," the Englishman replies. "After my wife and I make love
|
|
I massage baby oil gently all over her body -- that works for me!"
|
|
Then the pair turn to the Newfie and ask him what he does.
|
|
"Well...", he says, "when me and the old lady are through, I jump
|
|
out of bed and wipe my dick off on the curtain. And that REALLY drives
|
|
her wild."
|
|
%
|
|
These two project managers were walking through a residential area
|
|
one day, when they saw a dog (also male) sitting on a lawn, licking its
|
|
cock. (Why do dogs do that? Because they can). Anyway, the first manager
|
|
nudged the second and said, "Hey, look at that! That really looks like fun
|
|
-- I wish I could do that!"
|
|
Whereupon the second manager replied, "Well, I don't know... I tried
|
|
it once, and the damn dog bit me!"
|
|
%
|
|
"They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their
|
|
parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone
|
|
being happy to see an orphan? Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!"
|
|
The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind
|
|
Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the
|
|
whereabouts of their natural parents. She is a woman with a mission:
|
|
"Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information
|
|
about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the
|
|
country. We're completely computerized.
|
|
"The idea is to throw the orphans as many red herrings and false
|
|
leads as possible. We'll tell some twenty-three-year-old loser that his
|
|
real parents can be found at a certain address on the other side of the
|
|
country. Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared. They
|
|
look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons...
|
|
yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago.
|
|
I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.'
|
|
"Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again.
|
|
He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue.
|
|
"It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with. Last year
|
|
we even sent one kid all the way to Australia. I mean, really. Besides, if
|
|
your natural parents were Australian, would you want to meet them?"
|
|
-- "National Lampoon", September, 1984
|
|
%
|
|
This 600-pound guy decides he can't go on living this way, so he seeks
|
|
the help of a clinic and proceeds to go on a drastic diet. It works: four
|
|
months later he's down to 160 pounds and feeling great, except for one problem.
|
|
He's covered with great folds of flesh where the fat used to be. He calls
|
|
up the clinic, and the doctor tells him not to worry. "There's a special
|
|
surgical procedure to correct this condition," the doctor assures him. "Just
|
|
come on over to the clinic."
|
|
"But doctor," the man pleads, "you don't understand. I'm too
|
|
embarrassed to be seen in public like this."
|
|
"Don't give it another thought," says the doctor. "Simply pull up
|
|
all the folds as high as they'll go, pile the flesh on top of your head, put
|
|
on a top hat, and come on over."
|
|
The guy follows the instructions and provokes no comments until he
|
|
reaches the clinic and is standing in front of the admitting nurse's desk,
|
|
dying of self-consciousness. "The doctor will be right with you," says the
|
|
nurse. "Say, what's that hole in the middle of your forehead?"
|
|
"My navel," blurts out the guy, "how d'ya like my tie?"
|
|
%
|
|
This guy is taking a leak in a public men's room when a man enters
|
|
with his arms held out from his sides, bent at the elbows with his hands
|
|
dangling awkwardly, and comes over to him.
|
|
"Would you do me a favor and unzip my fly?" he asks.
|
|
Figuring the man to be a poor cripple, perhaps an accident victim,
|
|
the guy obliges, not without a flush of embarrassment when the man next
|
|
requests that he take out his prick and hold it in the appropriate position.
|
|
"Shake it off" is the next instruction, then "zip me up," and the
|
|
guy follows orders, wincing at his own embarrassment and at the shame of
|
|
being so helpless.
|
|
"Say, thanks," says the man, flouncing to the door. "I can't do a
|
|
*thing* 'til my nails dry!"
|
|
%
|
|
This guy is walking down the beach one fine sunny day, feeling
|
|
good, when suddenly he sees this woman with no arms or legs in a wheelchair,
|
|
sobbing like crazy. He decides to be gallant, "What's wrong, miss?"
|
|
"I...<sob, sniffle>...I'm 21 and I <choke> I've never been kissed...
|
|
<sniffle>"
|
|
So this guy, he decides, what the hell, let's cheer up the poor lady.
|
|
He leans over and gives her a long wonderful kiss. This does wonders, and
|
|
the woman's face lights up and she grins from ear to ear, and the guy wanders
|
|
away feeling wonderful.
|
|
Well, next week, the same guy is walking along the same beach, and
|
|
sees the same girl who is once again sobbing her eyes out. Gallant to the
|
|
end, our hero says, "What's wrong, miss, can I help?"
|
|
"I...I'm <sob, sniffle, sniffle> 21 and I've never been fucked..."
|
|
The guy picks her up out of her chair, cuddles her close, and brings
|
|
her over to the shore, and throws her into the water. "Now you're fucked!"
|
|
%
|
|
Three women and Feldstein were brought before the presiding judge.
|
|
The women had been arrested for soliciting and he'd been was arrested for
|
|
selling ties without a license. "What do you do for a living?" the judge
|
|
asked, pointing at the first girl.
|
|
"Your honor, I'm a model," she replied.
|
|
"Thirty days," was the sentence. The judge turned to the second
|
|
girl. "What do you do for a living?" he asked.
|
|
"Your honor, I'm an actress."
|
|
"Thirty days." Then he turned to the third girl. "And how about
|
|
you?" he demanded.
|
|
"Well, your honor, I'm a prostitute. I'm not proud of it, but it's
|
|
the only way I can support my mother and my children since my husband's been
|
|
laid off."
|
|
"For telling the truth," he said, "I'm going to suspend sentence.
|
|
Furthermore, here's $100 to help your family out." Now he turns to Feldstein,
|
|
arrested for selling ties illegally. "And you," he said, "what do you do
|
|
for a living?"
|
|
"Your honor, I'm a prostitute. I'm not proud..."
|
|
%
|
|
Two buddies had been out drinking for hours when their money finally
|
|
ran out. "I have an idea," croaked Al. "Lesh go over to my housh and borrow
|
|
shum money from my wife."
|
|
The two of them reeled into Al's living room, snapped on the light,
|
|
and lo and behold, there was Al's wife making love on the sofa to another man.
|
|
This state of affairs considerably unnerved Al's friend but didn't seem to
|
|
affect the husband.
|
|
"Shay, dear, you have any money for your ever-lovin' hushban?" he
|
|
asked.
|
|
"Yes, yes," she snapped. "Take my purse from the mantle, and for
|
|
Pete's sake, turn off those lights."
|
|
Outside they examined the purse, and Al proudly announced, "There's
|
|
enough here for a pint for you and a pint for me. Pretty good, eh, old buddy?"
|
|
"But, Al," protested his friend, somewhat sobered by the spectacle
|
|
he'd just witnessed, "what about that fellow back there with your wife?"
|
|
"The hell with him," replied Al. "Let him buy his own pint."
|
|
%
|
|
Two Englishmen struck up a conversation with an American in the club
|
|
car of a train headed east out of Chicago.
|
|
"I say," queried the younger Englishman, "have you ever been to
|
|
London?"
|
|
The American laughed. "It was my home for two years during the war,"
|
|
he said. "Had some of the wildest times of my life in that old town."
|
|
The older Englishman, a little hard of hearing, asked, "What did
|
|
he say, Reggie?"
|
|
"He said he's been to London, father," the younger Englishman
|
|
replied.
|
|
After a little lull in the conversation, the young man asked, "You
|
|
didn't, by any chance, meet a Hazel Wimbleton in London, did you?"
|
|
The American almost fell off his chair. "Hot Pants Hazel!" he
|
|
exclaimed. "My God, I shacked up with that horny broad for three months
|
|
just before I came back to the States!"
|
|
"What did he say, Reggie?" the older Englishman wanted to know.
|
|
"He says he knows Mother," the younger Englishman responded.
|
|
%
|
|
Two gay guys, Larry and Phil, were driving down the highway when they
|
|
were rear-ended by a huge semi. Somewhat shaken, they maneuvered over to the
|
|
side of the road, where Phil instructed Larry to get out and confront the truck
|
|
driver. "Tell him we're going to sue, sue, sue!" he shrieked.
|
|
Obligingly, Larry got out and went around to the cab of the truck to
|
|
deliver this message to the huge, burly driver, whose response was to snarl,
|
|
"Ah, why doncha suck my cock."
|
|
"Phil," said Larry, coming back to their car, "I think we're going
|
|
to be able to settle out of court."
|
|
%
|
|
Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how
|
|
to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say
|
|
`ass' and I'll say `hell'".
|
|
All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their
|
|
mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.
|
|
"Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios."
|
|
His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room,
|
|
and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?"
|
|
"I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass
|
|
it ain't gonna be Cheerios."
|
|
%
|
|
Two longtime friends sipped Scotch in a local bar and talked about
|
|
their troubles. "And on top of everything else," said the first, "my wife
|
|
has cut me down to just once a week."
|
|
"That's too bad," agreed his friend, "but it could be worse. I know
|
|
two guys she's cut off altogether.
|
|
%
|
|
Two morticians alternated in sharing the responsibility of covering
|
|
the night shift. One early morning about 3:00 am, a body was brought into the
|
|
mortuary, and the mortician began work. When he had unclothed the corpse, he
|
|
noticed a cork in the anus. Removing it, the strains of "Hello, Dolly, well,
|
|
hello, Dolly...!" were plainly heard being sung. He put the cork back, and
|
|
the singing stopped. Pulling it out again, the same song started, "You're
|
|
lookin' swell, Dolly!". Amazed, he telephoned his partner, and insisted he
|
|
come immediately to see something very unusual. Roused from sleep, the partner
|
|
asked if it could wait until morning. It took great persistence, but finally
|
|
the partner agreed to dress and come down to the shop. When he got there, he
|
|
said, "Now what was it that was so important you had to get me out of bed at
|
|
this ungodly hour?"
|
|
The man said, "Come into the embalming room."
|
|
They go into the embalming room, and the first partner says, "Now
|
|
watch."
|
|
He pulls out the cork, and the anus takes off singing again. The
|
|
partner looks at him disgustedly and says: "You brought me down here at
|
|
three in the morning just to hear some asshole sing Hello Dolly"?
|
|
%
|
|
Two women were walking down the street, when one nudges the other
|
|
and says, "There's my husband coming out of the florist's with a dozen
|
|
roses, damn it. That means I'll have to keep my legs up in the air for
|
|
three days."
|
|
Replies her friend, "Well, why don't you buy a vase?"
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the
|
|
drugs began to take hold. I remember saying something like "I feel a bit
|
|
lightheaded; maybe you should drive...." And suddenly there was a terrible
|
|
roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all
|
|
swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which was going about a
|
|
hundred miles an hour with the top down to Las Vegas. And a voice was
|
|
screaming: "Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn animals?"
|
|
Then it was quiet again. My attorney had taken his shirt off and
|
|
was pouring beer on his chest, to facilitate the tanning process. "What the
|
|
hell are you yelling about?" he muttered, staring up at the sun with his
|
|
eyes closed and covered with wraparound Spanish sunglasses. "Never mind,"
|
|
I said. "It's your turn to drive." I hit the brakes and aimed the Great
|
|
Red Shark toward the shoulder of the highway. No point in mentioning the
|
|
bats, I thought. The poor bastard will see them soon enough.
|
|
-- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas:
|
|
A Savage Journey to the Heart of the American Dream"
|
|
%
|
|
Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt
|
|
great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just felt
|
|
so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS
|
|
THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
|
|
And this poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no
|
|
one is mightier than you."
|
|
A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out:
|
|
"WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
|
|
The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to
|
|
stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
|
|
The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was
|
|
quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS
|
|
THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"
|
|
Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams
|
|
him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of
|
|
orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree.
|
|
The tiger staggers to his feet, looks at the elephant and says: "Man,
|
|
you don't have to get so pissed, just because you don't know the answer!"
|
|
%
|
|
Well, this woman went to the butcher shop to get some ham for dinner.
|
|
She asked the butcher what kind of ham he recommended, and the butcher said,
|
|
"Well ma'am, we got some Damn ham here for $3.50 a pound..." Needless to
|
|
say, she was surprised at the butcher's language! The butcher, who was
|
|
reasonably astute, noticed the alarmed look on the woman's face, and quickly
|
|
justified himself. "No, no, ma'am, I wasn't cursin', the NAME of this here
|
|
ham is "Damn ham". Amused, the woman requested some "Damn ham."
|
|
That night, before dinner, the woman took her husband aside and
|
|
explained what had happened at the butcher shop. He also was amused, and
|
|
suggested that they play a joke on their son. So, at dinner, after grace,
|
|
the man turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pass the damn ham."
|
|
Their son looked up, surprised. "WHOAH! Dad be gettin' hip!
|
|
How 'bout them mother-fuckin' potatoes?"
|
|
%
|
|
When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her
|
|
operation, the young woman asked him somewhat hesitantly how long
|
|
it would be before she could resume her sex life.
|
|
"I really haven't thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon.
|
|
"You're the first patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!"
|
|
%
|
|
When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact
|
|
that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your
|
|
hands. Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing
|
|
to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil. This is a happy
|
|
but fleeting state of affairs. Usually your feelings die about thirty
|
|
seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost
|
|
invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why,
|
|
sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty. Wanna get high?
|
|
Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing.
|
|
It may, but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of
|
|
Rumania.
|
|
-- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls"
|
|
%
|
|
While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of
|
|
the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight,
|
|
three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods.
|
|
"Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?"
|
|
"Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?"
|
|
"She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and
|
|
then. We're trying to catch her."
|
|
"I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you
|
|
carrying a bucket of sand?"
|
|
"That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time."
|
|
%
|
|
While visiting our country, a lovely French maiden found herself
|
|
out of money just as her visa expired. Unable to pay her passage back to
|
|
France, she was in despair until an enterprising sailor made her a sporting
|
|
proposition. "My ship is sailing tonight," he said. "I'll smuggle you
|
|
aboard, hide you down in the hold and provide you with a mattress, blankets
|
|
and food. All it will cost you is a little love."
|
|
The girl consented, and late that night the sailor sneaked her on
|
|
board his vessel. Twice each day thereafter, the sailor smuggled a large
|
|
tray of food below decks, took his pleasure with the little French stowaway
|
|
and departed. The days turned into weeks, and the weeks might have turned
|
|
into months if the captain hadn't noticed the sailor carrying food below one
|
|
evening and followed him. After witnessing this unique bit of barter, he
|
|
waited until the sailor had departed and then confronted the girl, demanding
|
|
an explanation. She told him the whole story.
|
|
"Hmmm," mused the captain. "A clever arrangement, and I must say I
|
|
admire that young seaman's ingenuity. However, miss, I feel it is only fair
|
|
to tell you that this is the Staten Island Ferry."
|
|
%
|
|
"Why did you spend so much time parked in that fellow's car last
|
|
night?" demanded the irate mother.
|
|
"I could hear the giggling and squealing for a good half hour."
|
|
"But, Mom," answered her daughter, "if a fellow takes you to the
|
|
movies you ought to at least kiss him good night."
|
|
"I thought you went to the Stork Club?" countered the mother.
|
|
"We did."
|
|
%
|
|
With deep concern, if not alarm, Dick noted that his friend
|
|
Conrad was drunker than he'd ever seen him before. "What's the trouble,
|
|
buddy?", he asked, sliding onto the stool next to his friend.
|
|
"It's a woman, Dick," Conrad replied.
|
|
"I guessed that much. Tell me about it."
|
|
"I can't," Conrad said. But after a few more drinks his tongue
|
|
and resolution both seemed to weaken and, turning to his buddy, he said,
|
|
"Okay. It's your wife."
|
|
"My wife!!"
|
|
"Yeah."
|
|
"What about her?"
|
|
Conrad pondered the question heavily, and draped his arm around
|
|
his pal. "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us."
|
|
%
|
|
"Yes, sir, the bowling ball nipple rings in black. Will there
|
|
be anything else?"
|
|
%
|
|
You see, this girl wakes up one morning, rolls over and sees an
|
|
elephant in the bed with her. Almost in shock, she says, "Did I pick you
|
|
up in the bar last night?"
|
|
"Uh-huh," the elephant replies.
|
|
"Did I bring you home?"
|
|
"Uh-huh."
|
|
"Did we, uh, fool around?"
|
|
"Uh-huh."
|
|
"Lord, I must have been tight!"
|
|
"Not any more."
|
|
%
|
|
... and no philosophy, sadly, has all the answers. No matter how assured
|
|
we may be about certain aspects of our belief, there are always painful
|
|
inconsistencies, exceptions, and contradictions. This is true in religion
|
|
as it is in politics, and is self-evident to all except fanatics and the
|
|
naive. As for the fanatics, whose number is legion in our own time, we
|
|
might be advised to leave them to heaven. They will not, unfortunately, do
|
|
us the same courtesy. They attack us and each other, and whatever their
|
|
protestations to peaceful intent, the bloody record of history makes clear
|
|
that they are easily disposed to restore to the sword. My own belief in
|
|
God, then, is just that -- a matter of belief, not knowledge. My respect
|
|
for Jesus Christ arises from the fact that He seems to have been the most
|
|
virtuous inhabitant of Planet Earth. But even well-educated Christians are
|
|
frustrated in their thirst for certainty about the beloved figure of Jesus
|
|
because of the undeniable ambiguity of the scriptural record. Such ambiguity
|
|
is not apparent to children or fanatics, but every recognized Bible scholar
|
|
is perfectly aware of it. Some Christians, alas, resort to formal lying to
|
|
obscure such reality.
|
|
-- Steve Allen
|
|
%
|
|
... which the Minstrel was supposed by some authorities to have composed
|
|
beneath the gibbet at Elsdon on the occasion of his hanging, drawing and
|
|
quartering for misguidedly climbing into bed with Sir Oswald Capheughton's
|
|
wife, Lady Fleur, when that noble lord was not only in it, but in her at
|
|
the same time. Minstrel Flawse's introduction of himself into Sir Oswald
|
|
had met with that reaction known as dog-knotting on the part of all
|
|
concerned...
|
|
I gan noo wha ma organs gan
|
|
When oft I lay abed I should ha' known 'twas never Fleur
|
|
So rither hang me upside doon That smelt so mooch of sweat
|
|
Than by ma empty head. For she was iver sweet and pure
|
|
And iver her purse was wet.
|
|
But old Sir Oswald allus stank
|
|
Of horse and hound and dung So hang me noo fra' Elsdon tree
|
|
And when I chose to breech his rank And draw ma innards out
|
|
Was barrel to my bung. That all the wald around may see
|
|
What I have done without.
|
|
But ere ye come to draw ma heart
|
|
Na do it all so quick So prick 'em wet or prick 'em dry
|
|
But prise the arse of Oswald 'part 'Tis all the same to me
|
|
And bring me back ma prick. I canna wait for him to die
|
|
Afore I have a pee.
|
|
-- Tom Sharpe, "The Ballad of Prick 'Em Dry"
|
|
%
|
|
1. The sport of choice for the low skill level employees is: BASKETBALL.
|
|
2. The sport of choice for maintainence level employees is: BOWLING.
|
|
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is: FOOTBALL.
|
|
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: BASEBALL.
|
|
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: TENNIS.
|
|
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: GOLF.
|
|
|
|
AMAZING CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller
|
|
your balls.
|
|
%
|
|
10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
|
|
|
|
1. A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up.
|
|
2. A beer lasts longer than seven seconds.
|
|
3. A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling.
|
|
4. A beer won't expect you to cook dinner when you're not hungry.
|
|
5. A beer will never leave dirty socks on the floor.
|
|
6. A beer doesn't mind when your mother visits.
|
|
7. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining.
|
|
8. A beer won't leave you for a younger woman.
|
|
9. A beer won't leave you for a younger man either.
|
|
10. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
|
|
%
|
|
10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
|
|
|
|
1. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
|
|
2. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers'
|
|
quarterback.
|
|
3. A beer won't even act amazed if you can.
|
|
4. You don't have to let a beer win.
|
|
5. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to
|
|
sleep with it beer, too.
|
|
6. A beer helps with the housework.
|
|
7. A beer will never fumble with your bra.
|
|
8. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it.
|
|
9. A beer doesn't want you to raise its children.
|
|
10. A beer wouldn't mind if you wanted it to wear a condom.
|
|
%
|
|
10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
|
|
|
|
1. Having a beer can't make you pregnant.
|
|
2. A beer doesn't wouldn't trade you in on a sports car.
|
|
3. If a beer did have a sports car, it wouldn't love it more than you.
|
|
4. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.
|
|
5. A beer wouldn't waste its money on Playbeer magazine.
|
|
6. You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer.
|
|
7. A beer won't switch the TV channel.
|
|
8. A beer doesn't snore.
|
|
9. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator.
|
|
10. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.
|
|
%
|
|
10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
|
|
|
|
1. Beer understands the difference between shooting down an unidentified
|
|
aircraft in a war zone and blowing a Korean airliner out of the sky.
|
|
2. A beer would never own a car with an automatic transmission.
|
|
3. A beer never fishes for compliments.
|
|
4. Beer tastes good.
|
|
5. A beer can enjoy an evening of watching "Johnny-the-Wadd-Holmes' Greatest
|
|
Hits" as much as you do.
|
|
6. An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it.
|
|
7. A beer won't ask you to pick up some tampons when you go to the store.
|
|
8. Beer never asks you to change the station.
|
|
9. A beer won't fill up your 'Vette with 85-octane gas because it's twenty
|
|
cents less expensive.
|
|
10. A beer won't make you eat experimental vegetarian meals that taste
|
|
like grass.
|
|
%
|
|
10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
|
|
|
|
1. You can enjoy a beer all month.
|
|
2. Beer stains wash out.
|
|
3. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month.
|
|
4. Beer never makes you wait.
|
|
5. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
|
|
6. Beer doesn't have a lawyer "in the family".
|
|
7. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
|
|
8. Beer doesn't demand equality.
|
|
9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
|
|
10. Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.
|
|
%
|
|
15 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
|
|
|
|
1. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook.
|
|
2. Tall, dark, good-looking beers are common.
|
|
3. A beer won't steal all the covers.
|
|
4. A beer doesn't have friends who will drink all your beer.
|
|
5. A beer wouldn't yell if you dented the car.
|
|
6. A beer doesn't buy everything labeled "turbo".
|
|
7. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes.
|
|
8. A beer is not kinky unless you want it to be kinky.
|
|
9. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first.
|
|
10. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer.
|
|
11. If the beer is finished before you are, you can have another beer.
|
|
12. A beer won't talk about the women who had it before you.
|
|
13. A beer's life does not revolve around the world series.
|
|
14. A beer won't mind at all if you're not in the mood for beer.
|
|
15. A beer will NEVER call you "Babe". Or "Sugar".
|
|
%
|
|
18th Rule of Friendship:
|
|
A friend will let you hold the ladder while he goes up on the roof
|
|
to install your new aerial, which is the biggest son-of-a-bitch you
|
|
ever saw.
|
|
-- Esquire, May 1977
|
|
%
|
|
20 REASONS WHY A BEER IS BETTER THAN A MAN
|
|
1. A beer never leaves the toilet seat up.
|
|
2. A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling.
|
|
3. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining.
|
|
4. You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer.
|
|
5. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
|
|
6. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.
|
|
7. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator.
|
|
8. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.
|
|
9. A beer won't steal the covers.
|
|
10. A beer doesn't buy everything labeled "turbo".
|
|
11. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer.
|
|
12. A beer can't talk about the women who had it before you.
|
|
13. A beer tastes good.
|
|
14. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
|
|
15. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers' quarterback.
|
|
16. You don't have to let a beer win.
|
|
17. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first.
|
|
18. A beer will never call you "Babe". Or "Sugar-hips".
|
|
19. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook.
|
|
20. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes.
|
|
%
|
|
667 -- The neighbor of the beast.
|
|
%
|
|
68:
|
|
Do me now and I'll owe you one.
|
|
%
|
|
6802 hackers make great use of the SEX instruction.
|
|
%
|
|
69 + 69 = dinner for 4.
|
|
%
|
|
71:
|
|
69 with two fingers up your ass.
|
|
-- George Carlin
|
|
%
|
|
7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
|
|
The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National
|
|
Redwood Forest.
|
|
|
|
7:30, Channel 8: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
|
|
The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the
|
|
Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus.
|
|
%
|
|
8 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
|
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1. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod.
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2. A beer doesn't care when you come.
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3. Beer doesn't have a mother.
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4. Beer doesn't need much closet space.
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5. A beer won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Playboy
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"just for the articles".
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6. Beer doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks.
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7. Beer doesn't always want to go to the 'powder room' with everyone
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else's beer.
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8. When you're through with a beer, the thought of another beer doesn't
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make you ill.
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%
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A '49er walked into the saloon at Bloody Gulch. He'd been prospecting for
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more than a year.
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"Hey! Y'got any wimmen around here?"
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"Nope," the bartender replied, "But there's George in the back room."
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"I don't go for that kind of thing," the prospector scowled. He
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downed his drink and left disgustedly.
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A few months passed before the miner found his way down the mountain again.
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He stumbled into the tavern and asked the bartender, "Any wimmen pass through
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this part of town?"
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"Nope. Nary a one. But we still got George in the back room."
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Angry, the miner shouted, "I told you I don't go for that kind of
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thing," and turned on his heel and left.
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Within a year he came back from his mine again. With a wild look on
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his face he re-entered the saloon. Leaning over the bar he whispered to the
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bartender, "If I was to go into the back room with George, how many people
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'round here would know?"
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"Oh," the bartender said, scratching his chin, "'bout seven, I guess."
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"Seven!?"
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"Yep. You, me, George, and the four men holdin' him down. You see,
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George don't go for that kind of thing neither."
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%
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A 6'8", 280-pound Southerner walked into a NY bar, sat down next to a
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patron, and said, "Ah'm big, and ah'm bad, and I *loves* to fuck Northern
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women!" The guy was so terrified that he put down his beer and ran out
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of the bar.
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The Rebel moved over to the next guy and said, "Ah'm big and ah'm
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bad and I *loves* to fuck New York women." The guy took one look at him,
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blanched and ran out of the bar.
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The man then went over to a short little guy with "Bronx" written
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all over him. "Ah'm big and ah'm bad and I *loves* to fuck your sister."
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The short guy looked him up and down and said, "I don't blame
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you one bit. She's *got* to be an improvement on yours."
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%
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A bad little girl in Madrid,
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A most reprehensible kid,
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Told her Tante Louise
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That her cunt smelled like cheese,
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And the worst of it was that it did!
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%
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A bar patron returned from the men's room grumbling to himself.
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"What's the trouble, buddy?" the bartender inquired.
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"You got John Wayne toilet paper in there!"
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"What do you mean?" the barkeeper asked.
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"It's rough, it's tough, and it doesn't take shit from nobody."
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%
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A bather whose clothing was strewed
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By breezes that left her quite nude,
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Saw a man come along
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And, unless I am wrong,
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You expected this line to be lewd.
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%
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A beachcomber of 25 had been shipwrecked on a desert island since the age of
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six. One day, while in search of food, he stumbled across a beautifully
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sensuous female lying on the beach nearly naked; she'd been washed ashore from
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another shipwreck that morning. After they got over their initial surprise
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at seeing each other, the girl wanted to know how long he had been alone on
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this barren bit of land.
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"Almost twenty years," he answered.
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"Twenty years!" she exclaimed. "But how ever did you survive?"
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"Oh, I fish, dig for clams, and gather berries and coconuts," he
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replied.
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"And what do you do for sex?" she asked.
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"What's that?" He looked puzzled.
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Whereupon the maiden pulled the innocent young man down onto the sand
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beside her and proceeded to demonstrate. After they had finished, she asked
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how he had enjoyed it.
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"Great!" was the reply. "But look what it did to my clamdigger!"
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%
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A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
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I am not I, I'm a tree."
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But another, more sane,
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Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
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And covered his pants leg with pee.
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%
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A beautiful belle of Del Norte
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Is reckoned disdainful and haughty
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Because during the day
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She says: "Boys, keep away!"
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But she fucks in the gloaming like forty.
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%
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A beautiful lady named Psyche
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Is loved by a fellow named Ikey.
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One thing about Ike
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The lady can't like
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Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey.
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%
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A beautiful man is paradise for the eyes, hell for the soul, and
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purgatory for the purse.
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%
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A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynecologist. The doctor takes
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one look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right
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away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her
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thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
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"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological
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abnormalities."
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"Correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.
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"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he says.
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"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast
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cancer."
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"That's right," replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to
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having sexual intercourse with her. "Do you know," he pants, "what I'm doing
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now?"
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"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."
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%
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A beetling young woman named Pridgets
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Had a violent abhorrence of midgets;
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Off the end of a wharf
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She once pushed a dwarf
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Whose truncation reduced her to fidgets.
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-- Edward Gorey
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%
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A big store buyer had been on the road for nearly two months. Each week he
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would send his wife a telegram saying,
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"Can't come home yet. Still buying."
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His wife knew that these buying trips usually involved more than business.
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She tolerated this particular jaunt for a while, but when the third month
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rolled by and she'd still seen nothing of her husband but the weekly telegrams,
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she wired him,
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"Better come home. I'm selling what you're buying."
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%
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A big-bosomed Bunny named Gression
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Sold cigars at a key-club concession.
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When she swiveled about
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Even strong men cried out,
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For her costume did not keep her flesh in.
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%
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A bisexual chap name of Lunt
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Taught himself an unusual stunt.
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He could peel back his spout
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Turn the skin inside out
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Like a glove, to be used as a cunt!
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%
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A bisexual is a man who likes girls as well as the next fellow.
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%
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A blind rabbit was hopping through the woods, tripping over logs and crashing
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into trees. At the same time, a blind snake was slithering through the same
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forest, with identical results. They chanced to collide head-on in a clearing.
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"Please excuse me, sir, I'm blind and I bumped into you accidentally,"
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apologized the rabbit.
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"That's quite all right," replied the snake, "I have the same
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problem!"
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"All my life I've been wondering what I am," said the rabbit, "Do
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you think you could help me find out?"
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"I'll try," said the snake. He gently coiled himself around the
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rabbit. "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have a little fluffy tail
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and long ears. You're... hmmm... you're probably a bunny rabbit!"
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"Great!" said the rabbit. "Thanks, I really owe you one!"
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"Well," replied the snake, "I don't know what I am, either. Do you
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suppose you could try and tell me?"
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The rabbit ran his paws all over the snake. "Well, you're low, cold
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and slimey..." And, as he ran one paw underneath the snake, "and you have
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no balls. You must be an attorney!"
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%
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A bobby of Nottingham Junction
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Whose organ had long ceased to function
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Deceived his good wife
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For the rest of her life
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With the aid of his constable's truncheon.
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%
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A broken-down harlot named Tupps
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Was heard to confess in her cups:
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"The height of my folly
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Was diddling a collie-
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But I got a nice price for the pups."
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%
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A burlesque dancer, a pip
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Named Virginia, could peel in a zip;
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But she read science fiction
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And died of constriction
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Attempting a Moebius strip.
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-- Cyril Kornbluth, "The Unfortunate Topology"
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%
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A businessman was awe-struck by the beautiful redhead at the hotel bar.
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Seeing his interest, she quietly informed him that she was a prostitute
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and that her price was $500. He was taken aback by the price, but after
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a few minutes of thought he took her up to his room. She spent a few
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minutes in the bathroom and was shocked when she came out to see him
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masturbating furiously on the bed. "What are you doing?", she asked.
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"Baby, for $500, you're not going to get the easy one!"
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%
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A busy young lady named Gloria
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Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier
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And then by six men,
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Sir Gerald again,
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And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.
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%
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A cabin boy on an old clipper
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Grew steadily flipper and flipper.
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He plugged up his ass
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With fragments of glass
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And thus circumcised his old skipper.
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%
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A Catholic and a Methodist were carpooling to work one morning, when a brick
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fell out of the sky, which startled the driver and caused him to swerve off
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the road and into a telephone pole, totaling the car.
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The two stumbled out of the wreckage, both feeling quite fortunate
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to be alive. The Catholic crossed himself. Then the Protestant crossed
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himself in an accentuated manner.
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"Hey," said the Catholic, "I why did you cross yourself, you're not
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Catholic!"
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"Just checking," replied his friend, crossing himself again,
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"spectacles, testicals, wallet, pen."
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%
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A cautious young fellow named Lodge
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Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
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When his date was strapped in,
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He committed a sin,
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Without even leaving his grodge.
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%
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A cautious young fellow named Lodge,
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Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
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With his date all strapped in
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He committed a sin
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Without even leaving the garage.
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-- "A Boy and His Dog"
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%
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A cautious young fellow named Tunney
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Had a whang that was worth any money.
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When eased in half-way,
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The girl's sigh made him say,
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"Why the sigh?" "For the rest of it, honey."
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%
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A certain bartender decided to try to get a few new customers into his bar
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by starting a gimmick involving a horse. His claim was that if anyone could
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get the horse to laugh, he would give them drinks on the house. The idea
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worked well and business improved until one night a young man walked in and
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whispered in the horse's ear. The horse immediately burst into hysterical
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laughter and the man won the contest. The next night the same thing
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happened: the man whispered in the horse's ear and the horse burst out
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laughing. The next night, the bartender decided to change the rules. Now,
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a person had to get the horse to cry in order to win the drinks on the
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house. Later on that night, the same guy came in and said "Can I take the
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horse into the bathroom for a minute? I promise I'll make him cry." The
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bartender agreed and sure enough, when the man came out leading the horse,
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the horse was crying his eyes out. The bartender could take it no more and
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said, "How did you make him laugh the other two nights?"
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"I told him that my dick was bigger than his", replied the man.
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"How did you make him cry tonight?"
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"I proved it."
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%
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A certain young man, it was noted,
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Went about in the heat thickly-coated;
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He said, "You may scoff,
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But I shan't take it off;
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Underneath I am horribly bloated."
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-- Edward Gorey
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%
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A certain young person of Ghent,
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Uncertain if lady or gent,
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Shows his organs at large
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For a small handling charge
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To assist him in paying the rent.
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%
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A certain young sheik of Algiers
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Said to his harem, "My dears,
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Though you may think it odd of me,
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I'm tired of just sodomy
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Let's try straight fucking." (loud cheers!)
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%
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A chap down in Oklahoma
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Had a cock that could sing La Paloma,
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But the sweetness of pitch
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Couldn't put off the hitch
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Of impotence, size and aroma.
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%
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A charmer from old Amarillo,
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Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow,
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Decided one day
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That to keep men away
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She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo.
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%
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A chippy who worked in Black Bluff
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Had a pussy as large as a muff.
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It had room for both hands
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And some intimate glands,
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And was soft as a little duck's fluff.
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%
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A chiseler is a man who goes stag to a wife-swapping party.
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%
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A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on
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Saturday and is going to do on Monday.
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-- Thomas Ybarra
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%
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A clergical student named Simms
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Hums liturgical tunes while he rims:
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A nice piece of ass
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Gets the B-Minor Mass ...
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All the others get Anglican hymns.
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%
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A clerical student named Pryne
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Through pain sought to reach the divine:
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He wore a hair shirt,
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Quite often ate dirt,
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And bathed every Friday in brine.
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-- Edward Gorey
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%
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A clever young man named Eugene
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Invented a jack-off machine.
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On the twenty-third stroke
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The fuckin' thing broke
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And beat both his balls to a creame.
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%
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A clitoris is a lot like Antarctica;
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most men know it's there, but few really care.
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%
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A cocksucking steno named Beeman
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Remarked as she swallowed my semen :
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"On my minuscule salary
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I must watch every calorie,
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So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!"
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%
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A computer called Illiac4
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Had a rather tough bug in its core.
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It chewed up its cards
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And spewed yards and yards
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Of illegible tape on the floor.
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%
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A computer, to print out a fact,
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Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
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But this output can be
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No more than debris,
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If the input was short of exact.
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-- Gigo
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%
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A contortionist hailing from Lynch
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Used to rent out his tool by the inch.
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A foot cost a quid --
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He could and he did
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Stretch it to three in a pinch.
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%
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A corpulent maiden named Kroll
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Had a notion exceedingly droll:
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At a masquerade ball,
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Dressed in nothing at all,
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She backed in as a Parker House roll.
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%
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A couple more shots of whiskey, women 'round here start looking good.
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[something about a 10 being a 4 after a six-pack? Ed.]
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%
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A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus, and by
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chance their seats were next to the elephant pen. When his father left
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to buy popcorn, the boy piped up,
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"Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"
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"That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.
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"No, not that."
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"Oh, that's the elephant's tail."
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"No, Mom. Down underneath."
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His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing."
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Pretty soon the father returned, and the mother went off to get
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a soda. As soon as she had left the boy repeated his question.
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"That's the elephant's trunk, son."
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"Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is. The thing at the
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other end."
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"Oh, that's the elephant's tail."
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"No. Down there."
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The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's
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penis."
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"Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"
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The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've *spoiled*
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that woman."
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%
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A couple was fishing near Clombe
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When the maid began looking quite glum,
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And said, "Bother the fish!
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I'd rather coish!"
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Which they did -- which was why they had come.
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%
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A cowhand way out in Seattle
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Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle.
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He said, "No, I can't fuck
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A lamb or a duck,
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But golly! it just fits the cattle."
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%
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A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison
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And had an affair with a Saracen.
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She was not oversexed,
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Or jealous or vexed,
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She just wanted to make a comparison.
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%
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A CS student named Lin
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Had a prick the size of a pin
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It was no good for girls
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But just great for squirrels
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Who squealed with delight with it in.
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%
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A cute little twerp from Samoa
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Had a cock of one inch and no moa.
|
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It was good for keyholes
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And debutantes' peeholes
|
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But not worth a damn on a whoa.
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%
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A daredevil skater named Lowe,
|
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Leaps barrels arranged in the snow,
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But is proudest of doing,
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Some incredible screwing,
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Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row!
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%
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A deep-throated virgin named Netty
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Was sucking a cock on the jetty.
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She said, "It tastes nice,
|
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Much better than rice,
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Though not quite as good as spaghetti."
|
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%
|
|
A definition of teaching: casting fake pearls before real swine.
|
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-- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy"
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%
|
|
A delighted, incredulous bride
|
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Remarked to her groom at her side :
|
|
"I never could quite
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Believe till tonight
|
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Our anatomies would coincide."
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%
|
|
A dentist, young doctor Malone,
|
|
Got a charming girl patient alone,
|
|
And, in his depravity,
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Filled the wrong cavity.
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God, how his practice has grown.
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%
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A despairing old landlord named Fyfe,
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With a frigid and quarrelsome wife,
|
|
Let his third-story front,
|
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To a willing young cunt,
|
|
Who supplied him a new lease on life!
|
|
%
|
|
A desperate spinster from Clare
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Once knelt in the moonlight all bare,
|
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And prayed to her God
|
|
For a romp on the sod--
|
|
'Twas a passerby answered her prayer.
|
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%
|
|
A distinguished professor from Swarthmore
|
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Got along with a sexy young sophomore.
|
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As quick as a glance
|
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He stripped off his pants,
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But he found that the sophomore'd got off more.
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%
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A doctoral student from Buckingham
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Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em.
|
|
But a dropout from paree
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Taught him Gamahuchee
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So he added a footnote on sucking 'em.
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%
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A do-it-yourselfer named Alice,
|
|
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
|
|
She blew her vagina
|
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To South Carolina,
|
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And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas.
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A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill,
|
|
Used two dynamite sticks for a dil.
|
|
They found her vagina,
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In South Carolina,
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And part of her ass in Brazil.
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%
|
|
A dolly in Dallas named Alice,
|
|
Whose overworked sex is all callous,
|
|
Wore the foreskin away
|
|
On uncircumcised Ray,
|
|
Through exuberance, tightness, and malice.
|
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%
|
|
A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis
|
|
Wished to foster an aura of menace.
|
|
To make people afraid
|
|
He wore gloves of grey suede
|
|
And white footgear intended for tennis.
|
|
-- Edward Gorey, "Amphigorey"
|
|
%
|
|
A drunk was sitting at the end of the bar in a popular singles' place,
|
|
watching a young, good-looking man working his way through the women. The
|
|
guy didn't appear to be having much luck, and he was only spending a few
|
|
moments with each woman. As he worked his way closer, while he couldn't
|
|
hear what the young man was saying, he realized that the women were somewhat
|
|
shocked at his approach. Finally, the man approaches a pretty brunette and
|
|
they hit it off immediately. After a bit of quiet conversation, she handed
|
|
the young man her hotel key and they started off for the elevators. As they
|
|
passed the drunk, he stopped the lucky one and asked him what his method was.
|
|
"Well," the man replied, "It's simple. You say 'Tickle your ass
|
|
with a feather?' If she sounds interested, you take it from there. If she
|
|
sounds angry, you smile and say 'Typically nasty weather.'"
|
|
The drunk says "Ohhhhh, got it, I got it!" and walks over to a woman
|
|
at the end of the bar to try out his new approach. Getting her attention,
|
|
he smiles and says "Fuck me!"
|
|
"What?!?!?" she screams.
|
|
"Raining like hell, isn't it?"
|
|
%
|
|
A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles.
|
|
%
|
|
A fisherman from Maine went to Alabama on his vacation. He rented a boat,
|
|
rowed out to the middle of the lake, and cast his line, but when he looked
|
|
down into the water he was horrified to see a man wrapped in chains lying
|
|
on the bottom of the lake. He quickly rowed to shore and ran to the police
|
|
station. "Sheriff, sheriff," he gasped, there's a guy wrapped in chains,
|
|
drowned in the lake!"
|
|
"Now ain't that jest like a Yankee," drawled the sheriff, "to steal
|
|
more chain than he can swim with?"
|
|
%
|
|
A fool is a man who worries about whether or not his lover has integrity.
|
|
A wise man, on the other hand, busies himself with deeper attributes.
|
|
%
|
|
A friend of mine received a note through the mail advising him,
|
|
"If you don't stop making love to my wife, I'll kill you."
|
|
The trouble is, the note wasn't signed.
|
|
%
|
|
A friendly message from your Internal Revenue Service: tax time is
|
|
coming again soon. Bend over.
|
|
%
|
|
A gambler was telling a friend about his first junket to Las Vegas and how
|
|
hard it was to get any sleep.
|
|
"I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by a
|
|
drunken chorus girl banging on the door and screaming," he recalled.
|
|
"That's terrible," the friend said." How'd you ever get any sleep?"
|
|
"At five o'clock I unlocked the door and let her out."
|
|
%
|
|
A game can by God repent or we'll punish it.
|
|
That's how they did it in Salem in the seventeenth century,
|
|
and that's how we'll do it now.
|
|
-- Dick Hamlet
|
|
%
|
|
A genius is a queer who can whistle while he works.
|
|
-- Bobby Knight
|
|
%
|
|
A girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong--
|
|
it merely keeps her from enjoying it.
|
|
%
|
|
A gorgeous young sophomore is having an affair with her English
|
|
professor. She goes home to visit her family for Christmas vacation
|
|
and when she gets back, she immediately invites him over for the
|
|
night. As soon as he walks through the door she hugs him and
|
|
asks, "Were you blue while I was away?"
|
|
"Blown, my dear," the professor corrects her, "blown."
|
|
%
|
|
A grade school teacher, who was doing a unit on World War II heard that
|
|
the father of one of her students had been a fighter pilot during the war
|
|
with one of the Scandinavian Air Forces. She invited him to come in and
|
|
speak to the class. The guy was more than happy to talk, and began with
|
|
a story about a morning patrol where he had been nearly shot down.
|
|
"We had been up for about 20 minutes flying over enemy held
|
|
territory, when we noticed, just in time, 3 fokkers diving on us from above."
|
|
At the first mention of `fokkers' the class giggled a little bit.
|
|
"Our group broke formation, and began the dog-fighting. As we
|
|
fought, we noticed 2 more fokkers coming at us from above and 2 more
|
|
fokkers, fresh from the landing field, come to join the battle".
|
|
At this second and third mention of `fokkers' the class was almost laughing
|
|
openly, and the teacher interrupted the story to ask the pilot to explain
|
|
to the class that a 'fokker' was a particular type of plane flown by the
|
|
German Air Force.
|
|
He replied, "Ya, dat is true, but these fokkers were Messerschmidts".
|
|
%
|
|
A group of scientists discovered an apelike creature in the jungle, which
|
|
they hoped would prove to be the missing link. The proof of their theory,
|
|
however, required that a human mate with the animal so that they could see
|
|
what characteristics the offspring would assume. Needing volunteers, the
|
|
scientists placed an ad in the paper: "$5000 to mate with ape."
|
|
Almost immediately, they received response from a man who said he
|
|
would be willing to take part in the experiment, with three conditions.
|
|
"First," he said, "my wife must never know. Second, any children
|
|
must be baptized. And, third, I'd have to pay in installments."
|
|
%
|
|
A guest in a household quite charmless
|
|
Was informed its eccentric was harmless:
|
|
"If you're caught unawares
|
|
At the head of the stairs,
|
|
Just remember, he's eyeless and armless."
|
|
-- Edward Gorey
|
|
%
|
|
A guy comes into a bar with a frog and sets it down next to the prettiest
|
|
girl there.
|
|
"This is a very special frog," he informs her. "His name is Charlie."
|
|
"What's so special about this frog?" she asks.
|
|
He's reluctant to tell her, but when pressed, explains that,
|
|
"This frog can eat pussy."
|
|
The girl slaps him, knocking him off his chair, and accuses him of telling her
|
|
a filthy lie. But no, he assures her, it's completely true. And after much
|
|
discussion, she agrees to come back to his apartment to see the frog in action.
|
|
She positions herself appropriately, the guy carefully takes out the frog, and
|
|
says, "Okay, Charlie, do your stuff!" The frog is immobile, despite his
|
|
owner's exhortations, and the girl starts to snicker.
|
|
"Okay, Charlie, do your stuff!"
|
|
"C'mon Charlie, do your stuff!"
|
|
By now, the girl is laughing openly.
|
|
"Okay, Charlie," says the guy, moving the frog out of the way, "I'm
|
|
only going to show you one more time."
|
|
%
|
|
A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, carries it to the bathroom and dumps it
|
|
into a urinal. Over the course of the next few hours, he goes back to the bar
|
|
and repeats this sequence -- several times. Finally the bartender got so
|
|
curious that he leaned over the bar and asked him what he was doing.
|
|
Replied the customer, "Avoiding the middleman."
|
|
%
|
|
A habit depraved and unsavory
|
|
Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery
|
|
Midst screeches and howls
|
|
He deflowered young owls
|
|
Which he kept in an underground aviary
|
|
%
|
|
A habit obscene and bizarre,
|
|
Has taken a-hold of papa.
|
|
He brings home young camels
|
|
And other odd mammals,
|
|
And gives them a go at mama.
|
|
%
|
|
A hacker who screwed a mag tape
|
|
Was caught and convicted of rape.
|
|
To jail he did go,
|
|
From which, to his woe
|
|
He couldn't get out with ESC.
|
|
%
|
|
A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk
|
|
Made love to the drive of his disk.
|
|
The thing circumsized him,
|
|
Which rather surprised him.
|
|
He wasn't aware of *that* risk.
|
|
%
|
|
A hand in a bird is worth two on 'er bush.
|
|
%
|
|
A hand in the bush is worth two on the bird.
|
|
%
|
|
A hard man is good to find.
|
|
%
|
|
A huge Rambolike fellow walked into a tavern and took a seat in the middle of
|
|
the bar. After downing a double in one gulp, he glared at the six men to his
|
|
right and said, "You're all no-good motherfuckers. Anyone have a problem with
|
|
that?"
|
|
When no one said a word, the brawny fellow ordered another whiskey,
|
|
downed it in one gulp, turned to the five men on his left and said, "You're
|
|
all cocksuckers. Anyone have a problem with that?"
|
|
Everybody on the left stared silently into his drink. Suddenly, a man
|
|
on the right stood up and started walking toward the big guy. "Hey, asshole!"
|
|
the thug bellowed. "You got a problem with what I said?"
|
|
"No problem at all," came the reply. "I was just sitting at the wrong
|
|
end of the bar."
|
|
%
|
|
A hunter saved a native boy from a boa constrictor. In gratitude, the boy gave
|
|
the hunter a magic gorilla prick. The lad said the prick would do anything you
|
|
told it to do until you told it to do something else. When the hunter returned
|
|
home to England, he put the magic gorilla prick on the mantle along with some
|
|
of his other trophies. His wife thought it quaint and his story charming. But
|
|
soon, the hunter went a-safariing again. He was away for months. One evening,
|
|
the woman eyed the MGP carefully and whispered, "Gorilla Prick, fuck me."
|
|
Whereupon the thing jumped off the mantle and began to bang her with great
|
|
thoroughness and ferocity. For the first twenty minutes it was pure heaven,
|
|
but after the next few minutes it became fatiguing, and she said, "Stop it,
|
|
Gorilla Prick," but it didn't. After a bit more she was screaming "Stop!
|
|
Stop!" at the thing and trying to pull it out of her smoking hole. But nothing
|
|
worked. Finally, the butler bursts into the room, summoned by her screams.
|
|
"Saunders, help me please!"
|
|
"But what is it, Madame?"
|
|
"It's a Magic Gorilla Prick!"
|
|
"Gorilla prick, my ass!! ... AAAaaeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiii!!!!!!"
|
|
%
|
|
A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms. When
|
|
she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair. The man shouted,
|
|
"What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there."
|
|
The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or fuck?"
|
|
%
|
|
A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in
|
|
the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska. He drove for three days
|
|
and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state
|
|
line. He halted his car and walked up to the border guard. "Hi, there! How
|
|
do I become a resident of this here biggest state?" demanded the Texan.
|
|
The guard looked him up and down and grinned. "Waal," he answered,
|
|
there are three things you gotta do to get in. First, drink down a quart of
|
|
110 proof corn liquor without blinkin'. Second, kill a grizzly bear, and
|
|
third, make love to an Eskimo woman."
|
|
"Sounds easy enough," said the Texan. "Where can I get a quart of
|
|
this here corn liquor?"
|
|
"Got one right here," replied the guard.
|
|
The Texan gulped down the whiskey without batting an eyelash.
|
|
"Now, do you happen to know where I can find me a grizzly?"
|
|
"Yep," answered the guard, "there's a big b'ar over that way, 'bout
|
|
a mile... lives in a cave on that cliff."
|
|
The Texan lurched merrily off. About an hour later he returned
|
|
with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody. He was
|
|
smiling happily. "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you
|
|
want killed?"
|
|
%
|
|
A lisping fag fell off a pleasure yacht and began to scream. "Help! Help, I
|
|
can't thwim!" One of the other passengers heard the caterwauling and leaned
|
|
over the rail, remarking, "Really, there's no need to scream. Just reach out
|
|
and grab that buoy near you." To which the floundering sodomite answered,
|
|
"Buoy! Oh, thith ith no time for thekth, you degenerate... I'm dwowning!"
|
|
%
|
|
A little bit of rape is good for a man's soul.
|
|
-- Norman Mailer
|
|
%
|
|
A little Mexican boy comes home from school one day and says to his grand-
|
|
father, "Granddaddy, today my teacher said that Pancho Villa, the bandit
|
|
used to raid towns around here! Did you ever know him?"
|
|
"Do *I* know Pancho Villa?" exclaims the man. "Why, boy, before
|
|
your father was born, I was riding into town on my horse. Suddenly, from
|
|
behind the bushes leaped Pancho with his six-guns drawn! He told me to get
|
|
down off the horse and to give him all my money. Then, he told me to scoop
|
|
some manure from the ground and eat it!"
|
|
"I refused at first, but Pancho had the guns, so I ate the shit.
|
|
And he started laughing so hard that it scared his horse into rearing up --
|
|
I grabbed the guns from his hands! I said to Pancho, `Okay, Pancho, now
|
|
it's your turn -- you eat the shit!' I had the guns, so he ate the shit.
|
|
"And you ask me, child, if I know Pancho Villa, the bandit! Why,
|
|
we had *lunch* together!"
|
|
%
|
|
A lively case was in progress in the District Court at Lick Skillet. Judge
|
|
Flannery was presiding, and on the witness stand was Tush Bumpass.
|
|
"From where ah was standin'", drawled Tush, "Ah could see he'd
|
|
backed 'er up agin' thet there wall, and ef Ah ever sawed a screwin' match,
|
|
thet one wuz!"
|
|
"Mr. Bumpass," the Judge interrupted, "I'd prefer that you not use
|
|
the word 'screw' in the courtroom. Say 'intercourse' instead."
|
|
Tush looked puzzled. "Intercourse? Whut's thet, Judge?"
|
|
His Honor sighed. "It's a technicality of language that you're
|
|
probably not aware of. Never mind. Please continue."
|
|
"Well, like ah said, he had 'er shoved up agin' thet wall, an' he
|
|
was... uh... intercoursin' 'er, an' he give 'er the crossjostle, the Chicago
|
|
Stroke, an' she let out with a holler thet..."
|
|
"One moment," interrupted the Bench. "What is this, ah, Chicago
|
|
Stroke, Mr. Bumpass?"
|
|
"Well, thet's a technicality of screwin', Judge, thet you're probably
|
|
not aware of!"
|
|
%
|
|
A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all.
|
|
-- Thomas Hardy
|
|
%
|
|
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.
|
|
-- Carrie Snow
|
|
%
|
|
A man always needs to remember one thing about
|
|
a beautiful woman. Somewhere, somebody's tired of her.
|
|
%
|
|
A man and a woman got married. Although it is the first time for the
|
|
husband, it is the woman's second marriage. As they go to bed on their
|
|
wedding night, the wife says to her husband:
|
|
|
|
"Dear, there's something I must tell you. I'm a virgin."
|
|
Naturally, the husband is surprised.
|
|
"You've been married before!", he says, "How can you still be a
|
|
virgin?"
|
|
"Well, it's all quite simple," she retorted, "my husband was a
|
|
computer programmer."
|
|
"What's so odd about that?", he asked. "Why would you still be
|
|
a virgin after a marriage to a programmer?"
|
|
"Well", she said, "all he did was sit on the edge of the bed and
|
|
tell me how great it was going to be."
|
|
%
|
|
A man arrived home early to find his wife in the arms of his best friend,
|
|
who swore how much they were in love. To quiet the enraged husband, the
|
|
lover suggested, "Friends shouldn't fight, let's play gin rummy. If I win,
|
|
you get a divorce so I can marry her. If you win, I promise never to see
|
|
her again. Okay?"
|
|
"Alright," agreed the husband. "But how about a quarter a point
|
|
on the side to make it interesting?"
|
|
%
|
|
A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen
|
|
or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
|
|
-- Joan Rivers
|
|
%
|
|
A man goes into a bar and begins to tell a Polish joke. The man sitting
|
|
next to him, a big hulking powerhouse, turns and says menacingly, "*I'm*
|
|
Polish."
|
|
He then calls out, "Ivan! Come over here and bring your brother."
|
|
Two men, bigger than the first, appear from the back room.
|
|
"Josef!" the man calls out, "come here a second, and bring Lendl
|
|
with you." Two more men appear, and all five men crowd around the man with
|
|
the joke.
|
|
"Now," says the first Polish man, "do you want to finish that joke?"
|
|
"Nah," says the man.
|
|
"Oh, no? And why not? I'm sure it was very funny," says the Polish
|
|
man, opening and closing his fist. "Are you scared?"
|
|
"No," replies the man. "I just don't feel like having to explain it
|
|
five times."
|
|
%
|
|
A man goes into a hospital for a routine appendectomy. When he wakes up
|
|
from the anesthesia, he sees a large group of doctors gathered anxiously
|
|
around his bed.
|
|
"What happened?" he asks worriedly.
|
|
"Well," says one of the doctors, "there was a small clerical error,
|
|
and you got mixed-up with another patient. Instead of an appendectomy, we
|
|
performed a sex-change operation. Your penis has been removed and a vagina
|
|
has been crafted into place."
|
|
"WHAT!!!" screams the man. "That's horrible! What am I going to
|
|
tell my wife? Can't you reverse it? This means I'm never going to experience
|
|
another erection!"
|
|
"Well, you will, you *will*," reassures the doctor, "but it will, of
|
|
course, have to be someone else's."
|
|
%
|
|
A man is as old as the woman he feels.
|
|
-- Groucho Marx
|
|
%
|
|
A man is driving down the road on his way to Salerno. By the roadside he
|
|
sees a man hitchhiking and stops to pick him up. As the man gets into his
|
|
car he suddenly pulls out a gun and makes the driver get out of the car.
|
|
"All right, buddy," says the man, "I want to you jerk off."
|
|
"What!?" says the man, disbelievingly.
|
|
"Go ahead, do it!" says the hitchhiker.
|
|
So the driver masturbates, and when he is through, says, "All right,
|
|
I did what you wanted, can I go now?"
|
|
"Nope," says the hijacker. "Do it again."
|
|
"Again?" the driver exclaims. "I just did it."
|
|
"Do it again."
|
|
It takes a little longer this time, but he manages to come again.
|
|
Panting, he turns to his tormenter and again asks if he can leave.
|
|
"Yes," the man replies, "but only after you've done it one more
|
|
time."
|
|
The guy is really scared now; he's starting to sweat. It takes him
|
|
twenty minutes, this time, but he finally comes a third time.
|
|
"Listen, buddy, can I please leave now?"
|
|
"Yeah," says the man, lowering his gun. "And this is my daughter;
|
|
I want you to drive her into Salerno."
|
|
%
|
|
A man is marooned on a desert island with a female sheep and a male Doberman
|
|
for companionship. The animals soon get it on sexually, and all goes well
|
|
until the man becomes unbearably horny and makes his move for the ewe, at
|
|
which point the dog interposes himself, snarling, fangs bared. Months later,
|
|
a raft drifts into sight. The sailor swims out, finds a beautiful girl on it,
|
|
takes her to shore and feeds and comforts her.
|
|
"You are so good to me," she responds gratefully. "I'd do absolutely
|
|
anything to show my gratitude."
|
|
"Would you?" smiles the sailor as he unfastens the length of rope
|
|
that holds up his ragged pants. "Well, then, here -- use this as a leash
|
|
and take that damn dog for a walk!"
|
|
%
|
|
A man is playing golf at a very exclusive country club when he hits a hole-
|
|
in-one. As he takes his ball from the cup, a genie appears.
|
|
"Since you've made a hole in one, you may have a single wish. What
|
|
is your heart's desire?"
|
|
"Great!", replies the man. I want a longer penis."
|
|
"Your wish is granted," says the genie, and promptly disappears.
|
|
As the golfer continues through the rest of the course he can
|
|
feel his penis slowly growing, to an extent that it's becoming uncomfortable.
|
|
By the time he completes the 18th hole it's extended down his pants leg to
|
|
his knee. Thinking to himself that this isn't quite what he had in mind, he
|
|
grabs a bucket of balls and heads back out onto the course. Three weeks later,
|
|
he manages another hole-in-one and the genie reappears.
|
|
"Since you've made a hole in one, you may have a single wish. What
|
|
is your heart's desire?"
|
|
"Yeah, I know all that," replies the man. "Listen, could you make
|
|
my legs longer?"
|
|
%
|
|
A man is talking to his wife when he mentions that there's a "Big Dick"
|
|
contest at one of the bars in town and the prize for the winner is $1000.
|
|
"Oh, honey," she exclaims, "I don't want you taking that thing
|
|
out in public!"
|
|
"But baby," he says, "$1000 is a lot of money."
|
|
"I don't care!" she says, stamping her foot. "I don't want you
|
|
showing that thing to everybody."
|
|
And the subject isn't mentioned again, until the following evening
|
|
when he hands her $1000.
|
|
"Did you enter the contest, even after I told you I didn't want
|
|
you to?" she asks.
|
|
"Please forgive me, turtle dove," he says. "I thought we could use
|
|
the money."
|
|
"You mean you took that thing out for everybody to see?" she says,
|
|
tears welling up in her eyes.
|
|
"Only enough to win, honey, only enough to win."
|
|
%
|
|
A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by, the
|
|
longest procession he's ever seen. It seems to consist of the hearse,
|
|
followed by a man with a Doberman on a leash, followed by several hundred
|
|
other men. After watching for a few minutes, he can restrain his curiosity
|
|
no longer, and walks up to one of the mourners.
|
|
"Excuse me, sir, I don't mean to bother you in your moment of grief,
|
|
but this is the strangest procession I've ever seen. What happened, who is
|
|
the funeral for?"
|
|
"Well, it's nothing special, really, the funeral is for the mother-
|
|
in-law of the man at the front of the procession. You see, his Doberman
|
|
attacked and killed her."
|
|
"That's awful!", replies the onlooker. "But... um... tell me, you
|
|
don't think he'd let me borrow that dog, do you?"
|
|
"Get in line, buddy," replies the mourner, "get in line."
|
|
%
|
|
A man is walking down the street when he sees a man with four arms, and
|
|
antennae coming out of his head. He goes up to him and says, "You're not
|
|
from around here, are you?"
|
|
"No," replies the man with the antennae.
|
|
"You know," continues the man, "I don't think you're an American,
|
|
either. In fact, I bet you don't even come from this planet!"
|
|
"Right again," says the man with four arms. "I'm from Mars."
|
|
"Well," says the man, "that's quite some configuration you've got
|
|
there, with those four arms and those antennae and everything."
|
|
"We Martians all have four arms and antennae."
|
|
"Well, that's just amazing," replies the man, "and how about that
|
|
big gold colored plate in the middle of your chest, what's that, do all
|
|
Martians have that?"
|
|
"Well, no," says the Martian. "Not the *goyim*."
|
|
%
|
|
A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be
|
|
bothered with sex and all that sort of thing.
|
|
-- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
|
|
%
|
|
A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
|
|
%
|
|
A man never minds being in the doghouse
|
|
as long as he can get his tail outside.
|
|
%
|
|
A man rushed into a bar and breathlessly asked the bartender to pour him
|
|
three straight scotches. The bartender complied, and watched as he downed
|
|
them one after another.
|
|
"Why three scotches?" the bartender asked as he paused for breath.
|
|
"Well, to be honest, I'm celebrating my first blow-job."
|
|
"Hell, congratulations, the next one's on me."
|
|
"No, thanks," the young man replied, "if the first three didn't get
|
|
the taste out of my mouth, I don't think another one will."
|
|
%
|
|
A man sat down next to another passenger on a train recently and couldn't
|
|
help overhearing his conversation out the window with a man standing on
|
|
the train platform.
|
|
"Thanks for putting me up while I was here, Sam," said the passenger.
|
|
"Glad to do it," said the other man.
|
|
"Thanks for the food and the drinks -- everything was wonderful."
|
|
"It was a pleasure," said the man.
|
|
"And thank your wife, Sam, she was great," said the passenger,
|
|
"she was a truly great lay."
|
|
The man was rather taken aback by this exchange and he later turned
|
|
to his fellow passenger and said: "Pardon me sir, but did I understand you
|
|
to say that your friend's wife was a great lay?"
|
|
"Well," said the other passenger, "I didn't REALLY enjoy it. But
|
|
Sam is a helluva nice guy."
|
|
%
|
|
A man walks into the doctor's office and the doctor says to him, "I've got
|
|
some good news and some bad news."
|
|
"Tell me the good news first" the patient replies.
|
|
"The good news is that your penis is going to be about two inches
|
|
longer and about an inch wider," the doctor says.
|
|
"That's great!" says his patient. "What's the bad news?"
|
|
"Malignant."
|
|
%
|
|
A man was playing golf one day when a little frog hopped out the water at a
|
|
water hazard and croaked, "I am a magic frog, and since you are the 10,000th
|
|
person to play through here, I'm prepared to offer you one of two magic gifts:
|
|
First, for a whole year you can have the most fabulous sex life that anyone
|
|
ever had; beyond your wildest dreams. Or, second, for a whole year you can
|
|
be the best golfer the world has ever known. Which do you prefer?" The man
|
|
thought a bit and said that he'd take the golf. Well, the man holed his wood
|
|
shot from where he was, completed the course in an average of 2 per hole, and
|
|
went round in 22. Quickly he attracted the attention of the sports world,
|
|
and became the world's best-known golfer, setting course records wherever
|
|
he went. A year later he was playing the same course inhabited by the frog,
|
|
and at the water hazard the frog hopped out and said, "Well, the year is up,
|
|
and you now revert to the 18-handicap player you were before. But tell me, I
|
|
was a little surprised that you chose the golf -- I take it your sex life is
|
|
outstanding?" The man said, "Well, I have no complaints in that department
|
|
at all, which is why I chose the golf." "How many times did you engage in sex
|
|
last year?" inquired the frog. The man thought a little and said, "Oh, eight
|
|
or ten times, I guess." "Damn," said the frog, "that doesn't strike me as very
|
|
satisfactory." "Oh, I don't know," replied the man, "it doesn't seem so bad
|
|
for a Catholic priest from a little town in South Dakota."
|
|
%
|
|
A man was talking to his best friend about his married life. "You know," he
|
|
says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to
|
|
me, but there's *always* that doubt. There's *always* that little doubt."
|
|
"Yeah, I know what you mean," his friend replies.
|
|
"Well, buddy, I've got to leave on a business trip this weekend,
|
|
and I wonder... well... would you watch my house while I'm gone? I trust
|
|
her, it's just that there's *always* that doubt."
|
|
The friend agreed to help out and two weeks later gave his report.
|
|
"I've got some bad news for you," says the friend. "The evening
|
|
after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. A man
|
|
got out of the car and went in the house and had dinner with your wife.
|
|
After dinner they went upstairs and I saw your wife kissing him. Then, he
|
|
took off his shirt and she took off her blouse. And then the light went
|
|
out."
|
|
"*Then* what happened?" said the husband, his eyes opening wide.
|
|
"Well, I don't know," replied the friend, "it was too dark to see."
|
|
"Damn!" roared the husband. "You see what I mean? There's *always*
|
|
that doubt!"
|
|
%
|
|
A man who likes to lie in bed can usually
|
|
find a girl willing to listen to him.
|
|
%
|
|
A man with no arms walked into a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender
|
|
shoved the foaming glass in front of him.
|
|
"Look," said the customer, "I have no arms -- would you please hold
|
|
the glass for me?
|
|
"Sure," said the bartender.
|
|
"If," said the customer, "you'll reach in my right hand coat pocket,
|
|
you'll find the money for the beer."
|
|
The bartender got the money and rang up the bill.
|
|
"You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more.
|
|
Where is the men's room?"
|
|
"Up the street to the light," said the bartender, "turn left, walk
|
|
two blocks, and there's a gas station on the corner."
|
|
%
|
|
A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle.
|
|
%
|
|
A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons.
|
|
%
|
|
A man's father is very, very old, and the son can't afford very good treatment
|
|
for him, so he's in a rather shabby, run-down nursing home. One day the son
|
|
wins a lottery -- and the first thing he does is install his father in the best
|
|
old age home that money can buy.
|
|
On the first day the old man is sitting watching TV, and he starts
|
|
to lean a little bit to one side. Right away a nurse runs over and gently
|
|
straightens the old man. A little later he's eating dinner, and when he
|
|
finishes, he begins to tip a little bit to one side. Another nurse runs
|
|
over and gently pushes him upright again.
|
|
The son visits his father later that evening and asks him how he's
|
|
being treated.
|
|
"It's a wonderful place, son," replies the father. "I really like
|
|
it here, gourmet food, color TV's in every room, the service is unbelievable,
|
|
there's just one little problem."
|
|
"What's that, Dad?"
|
|
"They won't let you fart."
|
|
%
|
|
A midget had a date with a very tall girl. It was a quiff-hanger.
|
|
%
|
|
A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a good
|
|
many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious scruples and
|
|
the police.
|
|
-- Mr. Dooley
|
|
%
|
|
A mouse was sniffing around in a meadow, when an eagle swooped down,
|
|
swallowed him whole, and rose up in the air again. The mouse worked
|
|
his way through until his head was sticking out of the bird's asshole.
|
|
"Say, good buddy," he squeaked, "how high up are we, anyway?"
|
|
"Oh, about two thousand feet," answered the eagle.
|
|
The mouse's eyes bugged out. "Hey, you wouldn't shit me, would you?"
|
|
%
|
|
A new lumberjack had just finished his first month in the lonely wilds of
|
|
Alaska, where there were no women for miles. He finally couldn't take it
|
|
anymore and nervously asked the foreman what the other men did to relieve
|
|
the pressure.
|
|
"Try the hole in the barrel outside the shower," suggested the
|
|
foreman. "The other men swear by it."
|
|
The lumberjack dubiously tried it out and had the experience of
|
|
his life. "That barrel is fantastic! Warm! Wet! I'm going to use it
|
|
every day!"
|
|
"Every day but the third Wednesday of the month," one of the
|
|
other men replied.
|
|
"Why not then?"
|
|
"That's your day in the barrel."
|
|
%
|
|
A New Yorker is riding down the road in his new Mercedes. So intent is he
|
|
on the cocaine in his hand he completely misses a turn and his car plunges
|
|
over the five-hundred-foot cliff to be smashed into pieces at the bottom.
|
|
As the on-lookers rush to the edge of the cliff they see him fifty feet
|
|
from the top of the cliff clinging to a stunted bush with all his strength.
|
|
"Dear Lord," he prays, "I never asked you for nothin' before, but I'm askin'
|
|
you now: Save me, Lord, save me."
|
|
Booms the Lord: "LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
|
|
"But Lord, if I do that, I'll fall!"
|
|
"TRUST ME, LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
|
|
"But Lord, I'm gonna fall and die..."
|
|
"TRUST ME TO SAVE YOU. LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
|
|
Okay, Lord, I'll trust you, here I... here I go!" And he falls
|
|
to his death.
|
|
"DUMB YANKEE."
|
|
%
|
|
A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered
|
|
by the side of the street. Curiosity got the better of him and he leaned
|
|
out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on. The fellow explained
|
|
that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused
|
|
himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. "That's terrible," gasped
|
|
the man. "But why is everyone still standing around?"
|
|
"Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the
|
|
onlooker explained. "Would you be willing to help?"
|
|
"Well, sure," replied the New Yorker. "I suppose I could spare a
|
|
gallon or two."
|
|
%
|
|
A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms.
|
|
-- Phyllis Schlafly
|
|
%
|
|
A Norse god decides to assume human form, come down from Valhalla, and check
|
|
out the local action. He finds himself in the piano bar of Caesar's Boardwalk
|
|
Regency in Atlantic City, and sits down to sip an Acquavit or two. After a few
|
|
minutes, an extremely attractive young woman, having been taken with his form
|
|
and features, sends a drink down to him, then joins him. The chemistry between
|
|
them is immediate and total. They have the next drink in her room, and spend
|
|
the night repeatedly making passionate love. The woman has no idea of her
|
|
partner's true identity; all she knows is he's driving her mad. In the
|
|
morning, the Norse god jumps into the shower. Reflecting on the previous
|
|
night he decides that he wants to be honest with his new lover. Without even
|
|
bothering to wrap himself in a towel, he leaps from the shower into the room,
|
|
where the woman is still in bed, exhausted. He kneels beside the bed, looks
|
|
deep into her eyes and says, "Honey, I have something very important to tell
|
|
you -- I'm Thor!".
|
|
The woman looks at him. "You're Thor?", she says. "My inthides feel
|
|
like grated cheeth!"
|
|
%
|
|
A nubile female virtually never experiences difficulty in finding willing
|
|
sexual partners, and in a natural habitat nubile females are probably always
|
|
married. The basic female "strategy" is to obtain the best possible husband,
|
|
to be fertilized by the fittest available male (always, of course, taking
|
|
risk into account), and to maximize the returns on sexual favors bestowed:
|
|
to be sexually aroused by the sight of males would promote random matings,
|
|
thus undermining all of these aims, and would also waste time and energy
|
|
that could be spent in economically significant activities and in nurturing
|
|
children. A female's reproductive success would be seriously compromised
|
|
by the propensity to be sexually aroused by the sight of males.
|
|
-- Donald Symons, "The Evolution of Human Sexuality",
|
|
attempting to explain the lack of female interest in
|
|
pornography.
|
|
%
|
|
A nuclear family is out golfing one day, when it becomes clear that Dad isn't
|
|
going to win any trophies, at least on this course. On the 3rd hole, after
|
|
two miserable bogies, he misses a two foot put and exclaims, "Shit!"
|
|
His wife glances over at their sixteen year old daughter and says
|
|
nothing.
|
|
On the fourth hole Dad tees off with an incredible hook, and, after
|
|
the inevitable exclamation, his wife reproves him with "Honey!"
|
|
This continues on, with his golfing getting worse and his wife getting
|
|
more and more upset about his language. Finally, on the 17th hole, he again
|
|
misses a very easy putt. Flinging his club down, he curses the hole, the
|
|
club, and the sunset, using the word "fuck" for the first time. His wife
|
|
whirls around and cries, "Honey! Our daughter is standing right next to you!"
|
|
Feeling remorseful, but somewhat defensive, he turns to the
|
|
daughter and says, "Well, Cindy, you've heard that word before, haven't
|
|
you?"
|
|
"Yes," the daughter replies, "but never in anger."
|
|
%
|
|
A nymph hits you and steals your virginity.
|
|
%
|
|
A pair of suburban couples who had known each other for quite some time
|
|
talked it over and decided to do a little conjugal swapping. The trade
|
|
was made the following evening and the newly arranged couples retired to
|
|
their respective houses. After about an hour of bedroom bliss, one of
|
|
the wives propped herself up on an elbow, looked at her new partner and
|
|
said: "Well, I wonder how the boys are getting along?"
|
|
%
|
|
A pederastic necrophiliac is a gentleman who is
|
|
true to the very end of the end of a friend.
|
|
%
|
|
A perfectly honest woman, a woman who never flatters, who never manages,
|
|
who never cajoles, who never conceals, who never uses her eyes, who never
|
|
speculates on the effect which she produces, who never is conscious of
|
|
unspoken admiration, what a monster, I say, would such a female be!
|
|
-- Thackeray
|
|
%
|
|
A performing octopus could play the piano, the zither and a piccolo, and his
|
|
trainer wanted him to add the bagpipe to his accomplishments. With this in
|
|
mind, a bagpipe was placed in the octopus's room, and the trainer awaited
|
|
results. Hours passed, but no bagpipe music was heard. Since the talented
|
|
octopus usually learned quickly, the trainer was disturbed. Opening the door
|
|
the next morning, he asked the octopus,
|
|
"Have you learned to play that thing yet?"
|
|
"Play it!" retorted the octopus. "I've been trying to lay it all
|
|
night!"
|
|
%
|
|
A person who has both feet planted firmly
|
|
in the air can be safely called a liberal.
|
|
%
|
|
A policeman is walking his beat when he finds an inebriated man collapsed
|
|
against a building, weeping uncontrollably and holding his car keys in his
|
|
hands. He's moaning something about how "They took my car!" Seeing that
|
|
the man is well-dressed, the officer suspects that he may have a real case
|
|
of theft on his hands and attempts to question the man.
|
|
"What happened to your car?"
|
|
"My car, it was right on the end of my key, and those bastards
|
|
stole it! Please officer, get my Porsche back. My God, it was right on
|
|
the end of my key! Where is it? They stole it and it was right here;
|
|
right on my key!"
|
|
"OK, OK, stand up, we'll see what we can do. You'll have to come
|
|
down to the stat... Mister, your fly's unzipped and you're exposing
|
|
yourself!"
|
|
"Oh my God, they stole my girlfriend!"
|
|
%
|
|
A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything.
|
|
%
|
|
A proctologist is a doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.
|
|
%
|
|
A programmer down in Moline
|
|
Said, I'm the match for any machine.
|
|
My secret's aversion,
|
|
To loops and recursion,
|
|
Just acres of in-line routine.
|
|
-- W.J. Wilson
|
|
%
|
|
A progressive professor named Winners
|
|
Held classes each evening for sinners.
|
|
They were graded and spaced
|
|
So the vile and debased
|
|
Would not be held back by beginners.
|
|
%
|
|
A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leans
|
|
over and asks, "So, how high can you advance in your organization?"
|
|
The priest replies, "Well, if I am lucky, I guess I could become a
|
|
Bishop."
|
|
"Well, could you get any higher than that?"
|
|
"I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I
|
|
might be made an Archbishop."
|
|
"Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"
|
|
"If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal."
|
|
"Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?"
|
|
Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I supose that I could
|
|
be elected Pope, but only if it's God's will."
|
|
"And could you be anything higher than that, is there any way to go
|
|
up from being the Pope?"
|
|
"What?! I should be the Messiah himself?!"
|
|
The rabbi leaned back and smiled. "One of our boys made it."
|
|
%
|
|
A real estate agent, looking over a farmer's house for possible sale,
|
|
commented to the farmer how sturdy the house looked.
|
|
The farmer replied, "Yep, built it with my bare hands... did it
|
|
the hard way. The steps to the front door, here, carved 'em out of
|
|
field stones... did it the hard way. That hardwood floor in the living
|
|
room, dovetailed the pieces myself... did it the hard way. The ceiling
|
|
beams, made 'em out of my own oak trees... did it the hard way."
|
|
Just then, the farmer's gorgeous daughter walked in. The farmer
|
|
looks over at the real estate agent who is trying not to stare too
|
|
obviously and smiles. "Yep... standing up in a canoe."
|
|
%
|
|
A retired schoolteacher finally decided that she was tired of living alone
|
|
and wanted some companionship, so after a good deal of thought she decided
|
|
to visit the local pet shop. The owner suggested a parrot, with which she
|
|
could conduct a civilized conversation. This seemed to be an excellent
|
|
idea, so she bought a handsome parrot, sat him on a perch in her living room,
|
|
and said, "Say 'Pretty boy.'" Silence from the bird. "Come on now, say
|
|
'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'"
|
|
At long last, disgustedly, the bird said, "Oh, shit."
|
|
Shocked, the schoolteacher said, "Just for that, you get five minutes
|
|
in the refrigerator." Five minutes later she put the shivering bird back on
|
|
its perch and said, "Now let's hear it: 'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'"
|
|
"Damn it, wouldja lay off, lady?" said the parrot.
|
|
Outraged, the woman grabbed the bird, said, "That's it! Ten minutes
|
|
in the freezer," and slammed the door on him.
|
|
Hopping about to keep warm, what does the parrot come across but a
|
|
big frozen turkey waiting for Thanksgiving. Startled, he squawks, "My God,
|
|
you must have told the bitch to go fuck herself!"
|
|
%
|
|
A Scotsman clad in a kilt walks up to the counter in an Apothecary. From
|
|
his pocket he takes a plaid condom that has been heavily used, torn, patched,
|
|
sewn, and is currently split down one side. He asks the proprietor, "How much
|
|
to replace this, Ian?" The proprietor says, "Why, Angus, that'l be four
|
|
pence." Then the Scotsman asks, "How much to repair?" The prop. looks the
|
|
condom over carefully, and says "Three pence to repair." The Scotsman ponders
|
|
for a moment, then says, "I'll be back."
|
|
Later in the day, the Scotsman returns with a smile on his face and
|
|
says, "Ian, the Regiment has voted to repair!"
|
|
%
|
|
A Scotsman clad in kilts left a bar one evening fair.
|
|
One could tell by how he walked, he'd drunk more than his share.
|
|
He staggered on until he could no longer keep his feet.
|
|
So he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.
|
|
|
|
Later on two young and lovely girls just happened by.
|
|
One says to the other, with a twinkle in her eye.
|
|
"See yon sleeping Scotsman so young and handsome built?"
|
|
"I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath their kilts?"
|
|
|
|
They stepped up to the Scotsman, so young and fancy free.
|
|
They lifted up his kilt above the waist so they could see.
|
|
And there behold for them the view beneath his Scottish skirt,
|
|
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth.
|
|
|
|
They marveled for a moment, then one said, "Best be gone."
|
|
"Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along."
|
|
As a gift they left a blue ribbon tied into a bow,
|
|
Around the bonny star of the Scot's kilt lifting show.
|
|
|
|
The Scot awoke to nature's call and stumbled to the trees.
|
|
Behind a bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he see's.
|
|
Then in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes,
|
|
"Och, lad I dinna know whar' ya been, but I see ya won first prize."
|
|
-- Mike Cross, "The Scotsman"
|
|
%
|
|
A sheriff arrived at the scene of the horrible accident just as his deputy,
|
|
all alone, was climbing down from the controls of a bulldozer. "Say,
|
|
Junior, what's goin' on?" asked the sheriff.
|
|
"A bus full of migrant workers went out of control and over the
|
|
cliff, and I just finished buryin' 'em," explained the deputy.
|
|
"Good work, boy," replied the sheriff. "Pretty gory work -- were
|
|
all of 'em dead?"
|
|
Junior nodded sadly and said, "Some of them said they weren't, but
|
|
you know how them Mex'cans lie."
|
|
%
|
|
A shy young man, preparing himself for what he hoped would be the ultimate sex
|
|
act with a pretty young lady, went into a drugstore to inquire about sizes and
|
|
styles of condoms. The lusty proprietress, a buxom widow, saw an opportunity
|
|
for fun at the lad's expense.
|
|
"Come in the back and try some on for size," she said, taking his hand.
|
|
The widow unzipped the youth's fly and watched the small instrument grow in
|
|
her hand as she measured it. When the weapon had unfurled to a rosy seven and
|
|
a half inches, the young man, unable to contain himself, had an orgasm with a
|
|
tremendous discharge. After recovering, he asked the widow if she could now
|
|
give him the proper size.
|
|
"I'll do more than that," she said. "I'll give you free meals and a
|
|
half interest in the store."
|
|
%
|
|
A son takes his Italian immigrant father to his first baseball game. It
|
|
happens that it's Old Timer's Day at Yankee stadium and all the baseball
|
|
greats are there. The son escorts his father to box seats right on the
|
|
third base line and seats him with beer and a Yankees cap.
|
|
The first batter up is Mickey Mantle. On the second pitch he
|
|
swings that bat and CRACK! The ball ricochets off the wall for a double.
|
|
The crowd goes crazy and the father stands up and yells, "Runna Mickey!
|
|
Runna Mickey!"
|
|
The next batter up is Joe DiMaggio. The pitcher, pitching him
|
|
carefully, works him to a 3-2 count and just misses the outside corner.
|
|
"Ball four!" yells the umpire and Joe tosses his bat aside and begins
|
|
to walk to first base.
|
|
The father yells out, "Runna Joe! Runna Joe!"
|
|
"No, no, Pop," corrects his son. "He got four balls. He walks."
|
|
And the old man clenches his fist and says solemnly, "Walka proud
|
|
Joe. Walka proud."
|
|
%
|
|
A stately-looking matron was walking through the Bronx Zoo, studying the
|
|
animals. When she passed the porcupine enclosure she beckoned to a nearby
|
|
attendant.
|
|
"Young man," she began, "do North American porcupines have sharper
|
|
pricks than those raised in Africa?"
|
|
The attendant hesitated for a moment. "Well, ma'am," he answered,
|
|
"the African porcupine's quills are sharper... but I think their pricks are
|
|
about the same."
|
|
%
|
|
A stranger had just arrived in the mining town and was spending the evening at
|
|
the local saloon. After a few drinks, he mentioned to the bartender that he
|
|
hadn't seen a single woman in the entire town.
|
|
The bartender replied, "Nope. Ain't no women in this town!"
|
|
"No women? What do the men do for... er..."
|
|
"Oh, for sex? Did you see all those pigs in the street? That's the
|
|
answer, right there."
|
|
Shaking his head incredulously, the stranger settled back to his
|
|
drinking. Within a short time, however, the liquor had convinced him that he
|
|
wanted to try out a pig himself. He had watched several miners walk upstairs
|
|
to the trysting rooms with squealing piglets under their arms. Now, he was
|
|
game to make his move. He wandered out to the back of the saloon and chose
|
|
a nice fat, pink sow. As he walked to the stairs, the entire saloon went
|
|
quiet. In the embarrassing hush, all eyes were upon him.
|
|
"What's the matter? I thought all you fellows did this!"
|
|
"Yeah, but that's Black Bart's girl," replied the barkeep.
|
|
%
|
|
A stunning blonde, but probably all bean dip above the eyebrows.
|
|
%
|
|
A sweet young schoolteacher who had always been virtuous was invited to go
|
|
for a ride in the country with the gym instructor, whom she admired. Under
|
|
a tree on the bank of a quiet lake, she struggled with her conscience and
|
|
with the gym instructor and finally gave in to the latter. Sobbing
|
|
uncontrollably she asked her seducer,
|
|
"How can I ever face my students again, knowing I have sinned twice?"
|
|
"Twice?" asked the young man, confused.
|
|
"Why, yes," said the sweet teacher, wiping a tear from her eye.
|
|
"You're going to do it again, aren't you?"
|
|
%
|
|
A teacher announces to her class, "Children, the student who can name the
|
|
greatest man who ever lived will win a shiny red apple."
|
|
Immediately an Italian boy raises his hand.
|
|
"Yes, Tony?"
|
|
"Christopher Columbus!" says Tony.
|
|
"Well," says the teacher, "Christopher Columbus was a very great man,
|
|
but I don't think he was the greatest man who ever lived."
|
|
From the back of the room little Bernie Goldstein raises his hand.
|
|
"Yes, Bernie?"
|
|
"Jesus Christ", says Bernie.
|
|
"That is correct, Bernie," pronounces the teacher. "And here is
|
|
your apple."
|
|
When Bernie gets up to the front of the room to claim his prize,
|
|
the teacher says, "Bernie, given the fact that you're Jewish, I'm surprised
|
|
that you thought Jesus was the greatest man who ever lived."
|
|
"Well, actually," replies Bernie, "I do think Moses had the edge,
|
|
but business is business."
|
|
%
|
|
A toast to the kisses you've snatched and vice-versa.
|
|
%
|
|
A trapper named Francois Lefebrve
|
|
Once captured and buggered a beabrve.
|
|
The result of this fuck
|
|
Was a three titted duck,
|
|
A canoe, and an Irish retriebrve.
|
|
%
|
|
A traveling circus was performing in a small town, around the turn of the
|
|
century, when many of the circus animals were still considered to be very
|
|
rare and exotic. One night one of the elephants escaped. It was hungry
|
|
and found a garden in a little old lady's backyard. The woman, who had
|
|
never before seen an elephant, was hysterical and called the police.
|
|
|
|
Little Old Lady: "There's a *huge* monster in my garden!
|
|
Police: "Calm down, ma'am, everything will be all right. Now exactly what
|
|
does it look like?"
|
|
LOL: "It's a dark color and it's tremendous! It's pulling up my
|
|
vegetables with its tail!"
|
|
Police: "With its tail? Then what's it doing?"
|
|
LOL: "You wouldn't believe me if I told you!"
|
|
%
|
|
A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.
|
|
%
|
|
A virgin is chaste.
|
|
%
|
|
A virginal is a harpsichord that has never been plucked.
|
|
%
|
|
A virtuous abstinence from the joys of pederasty
|
|
comes most easily to those who have no taste for it.
|
|
-- Oscar Wilde
|
|
%
|
|
A widow is more sought after than an old maid of the same age.
|
|
-- Addison
|
|
%
|
|
A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there
|
|
*for the rest of your life*.
|
|
-- Jim Samuels
|
|
%
|
|
A witty writer, K. Kraus in the Vienna "Fackel", has as it were, expressed
|
|
this truth paradoxically in the cynical saying: "Coitus is merely an
|
|
unsatisfactory substitute for onanism!"
|
|
-- Sigmund Freud, attempting to explain why
|
|
masturbation is "by no means harmless"
|
|
%
|
|
A woman can never be too rich or too thin.
|
|
%
|
|
A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed.
|
|
-- Scott
|
|
%
|
|
A woman forgives the audacity of which
|
|
her beauty has prompted us to be guilty.
|
|
-- LeSage
|
|
%
|
|
A woman had a followup visit with her doctor after his prescribing fairly high
|
|
dosages of testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried
|
|
about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
|
|
"Doctor Keyes, the hormones you've been giving me have helped a lot
|
|
with my menopausal symptoms, but I'm really afraid that you're giving me too
|
|
much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before!"
|
|
The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal
|
|
side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"
|
|
"On my balls."
|
|
%
|
|
A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be
|
|
thankful for a good one.
|
|
-- Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings
|
|
%
|
|
A woman is driving down the street, her ten-year-old daughter belted into
|
|
the passenger seat. The daughter asks "Mommy, how old are you?"
|
|
The mother says "That's a personal question. It's not nice to ask
|
|
people personal questions."
|
|
The daughter thinks a while, then asks "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
|
|
The mother replies "That's a personal question too. I'm not going
|
|
to tell you."
|
|
Chastised, the daughter asks no more questions. The mother parks the
|
|
car. "I'm going to see Mrs. Tristan for a couple of minutes. You stay here in
|
|
the car and watch my purse."
|
|
After the mother leaves, the daughter removes her mother's driver's
|
|
license from the purse, studies it for a few minutes and replaces it. When
|
|
her mother returns they drive off. The little girl comments:
|
|
"Mommy, I know how old you are. You're 32."
|
|
"That's right! How did you know?"
|
|
"And you weigh 119 pounds."
|
|
"Did you look in my purse?"
|
|
"And I know why you and Daddy divorced."
|
|
"You *do*?"
|
|
"Yes," said the daughter. "Because you flunked sex!"
|
|
%
|
|
A woman is like a dresser... some man always goin' through her drawers.
|
|
-- Blind Lemon Pledge
|
|
%
|
|
A woman is like your shadow; follow her,
|
|
she flies; fly from her, she follows.
|
|
-- Chamfort
|
|
%
|
|
A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive
|
|
little thing -- tender, sweet, and stupid.
|
|
-- Adolf Hitler
|
|
%
|
|
A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation.
|
|
It takes an abundance of imagination, to be sure.
|
|
-- Karl Kraus, "Die Fackel"
|
|
%
|
|
A woman of generous character will sacrifice her life a thousand times
|
|
over for her lover, but will break with him for ever over a question of
|
|
pride -- for the opening or the shutting of a door.
|
|
-- Stendhal
|
|
%
|
|
A woman takes off her claim to respect along with her garments.
|
|
-- Herodotus
|
|
%
|
|
A woman who is guided by the head and not by the heart is a social
|
|
pestilence: she has all the defects of the passionate and affectionate
|
|
woman, with none of her compensations; she is without pity, without
|
|
love, without virtue, without sex.
|
|
-- Balzac
|
|
%
|
|
A woman who is unfaithful deserves to be shot.
|
|
-- Pancho Villa
|
|
%
|
|
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
|
|
-- Gloria Steinem
|
|
%
|
|
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
|
|
Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish.
|
|
%
|
|
A woman's a woman until the day she dies, but a man's only a man as long
|
|
as he can.
|
|
-- Moms Mabley
|
|
%
|
|
A young boy is told by his puritanical father than he should never have
|
|
sex with a woman, because a woman has teeth in her vagina and will bite
|
|
off his penis.
|
|
The years go by, and the boy finally marries. After a rather
|
|
uninspiring honeymoon his wife finally confronts him and demands that he
|
|
tell her why he won't make love to her.
|
|
"Well, honey," he replies. "You have... teeth... down there."
|
|
"What!?" she replies unbelievingly. "No I don't! Honest, darling,
|
|
come here and look for yourself."
|
|
The man rather hesitantly examines her very thoroughly.
|
|
"There!" his wife says triumphantly. "Now do you believe me?"
|
|
"Yes," replied her husband. "And your gums are in *terrible*
|
|
condition."
|
|
%
|
|
A young lady friend of mine just swallowed a razor blade...
|
|
She performed a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy,
|
|
three circumcisions, and cut off the finger of a casual friend.
|
|
%
|
|
A young man walks into a bus station, and goes into the men's room to relieve
|
|
himself. When he steps in he sees a leprechaun with the most enormous penis
|
|
he has ever seen. As he urinates, he cannot avoid spying on the giant member
|
|
of the tiny man dressed in green. The leprechaun zips up and the man asks him
|
|
if he is indeed a real leprechaun.
|
|
The little man says, "Aye, me laddie, I'm a leprechaun, and I can
|
|
grant you three wishes."
|
|
"Oh, wow!" comes the reply, "What do I need to do?"
|
|
"Well, havin' such a large cock makes it a bit awkward with the
|
|
ladies, the thing not fittin' and all... I'll grant you your three wishes
|
|
if you wouldn't mind suckin' me dick 'til I come." The man is a bit taken
|
|
aback, but agrees, realizing that the three wishes will be priceless. After
|
|
the tiny fellow has come, he starts to walk away.
|
|
The man exclaims, "Hey, what about my three wishes?"
|
|
Replies the leprechaun, "How old are you, me boy?"
|
|
"25."
|
|
"Aren't you a wee bit old to be believin' in leprechauns?"
|
|
%
|
|
A young New York housewife was shocked by some of the language used by her
|
|
daughter. When asked about it, the daughter said she had learned it from
|
|
a small girl she played with in the park. The next day, the mother sought
|
|
out the little girl as she played in the park. "Are you the little girl
|
|
who uses bad words?"
|
|
"Who told you?"
|
|
"A little bird," answered the mother.
|
|
"Well, I like that!" exclaimed the small girl. "And I've been
|
|
feeding the little bastards, too!"
|
|
%
|
|
A young woman was afflicted with three brothers who had a friendly competition
|
|
as to who was the best practical joker. When she announced her marriage,
|
|
like all good brothers, they immediately found out where the honeymoon would
|
|
be and repaired there to do their worst, er, best. The brother who was a
|
|
carpenter went first, and came back out in five minutes. The brother who
|
|
worked as a plumber went second and was out in about half an hour. Finally,
|
|
the brother employed as a dentist went inside and came out almost immediately.
|
|
A few days after the start of their sister's honeymoon the brothers each
|
|
received a telegram from their sister. It read:
|
|
|
|
I liked the couch falling apart when we sat on it. I was amused
|
|
when the shower went cold five minutes after it started. But I'm
|
|
going to kill whoever put the novicaine into the KY jelly...
|
|
%
|
|
A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive.
|
|
%
|
|
Aboard the good ship Venus, The cabin boy, the captain's joy,
|
|
The mast it was a penis, A cunning little nipper,
|
|
Her figurehead They filled his ass,
|
|
A whore in bed, With broken glass,
|
|
Good grief you should have seen us! And circumcised the skipper.
|
|
|
|
The first mate's name was Higgins, The captain's daughter Mabel,
|
|
And Higgins was a biggins, They screwed when they were able,
|
|
Once round the deck, They nailed her tits,
|
|
Twice up the mast, Those nasty shits,
|
|
And the rest was used for riggins'! Right to the captain's table.
|
|
|
|
The engineer's name was Carter, The second mate's name was Andy,
|
|
And Carter was a farter, By God, he was a dandy,
|
|
When the wind wouldn't blow, They broke his cock,
|
|
And the ship couldn't go, With chunks of rock,
|
|
Carter the farter would start her! For conking in the brandy!
|
|
%
|
|
AC/DC is a rock band.
|
|
-- Bisexuality, 101
|
|
%
|
|
Achilles' Biological Findings:
|
|
(1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity.
|
|
If he looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
|
|
(2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first
|
|
-- the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the rooster.
|
|
%
|
|
Adam's Law:
|
|
(1) Women don't know what they want;
|
|
they don't like what they have got.
|
|
(2) Men know very well what they want;
|
|
having got it, they begin to lose interest.
|
|
%
|
|
Admittedly, there are a lot of things that are better than sex,
|
|
and a lot more that are worse; but there's nothing quite like it...
|
|
%
|
|
Adopting the metric system would have certain psychological advantages --
|
|
such as being able to claim 18 centimeters instead of seven inches.
|
|
%
|
|
ADULTERY:
|
|
Putting yourself in someone else's position.
|
|
%
|
|
Advertising is the most fun of anything you can do with your clothes on.
|
|
-- Mary Wells, advertising executive
|
|
%
|
|
After a few steamy dances and a few more drinks, the pickup couple
|
|
are back at his place tearing their clothes off. Things are really
|
|
starting to heat up when he leaps out of bed and starts frantically
|
|
rummaging through a dresser drawer.
|
|
"What are you doing?" she asks.
|
|
"Just a second, honey, I'm trying to find my lucky rubber."
|
|
%
|
|
After an evening at the theatre and several nightcaps at an intimate little
|
|
bistro, the young man whispered to his date, "How do you feel about making
|
|
love to men?"
|
|
"That's MY business," she snapped.
|
|
"Ah," he said. "A professional."
|
|
%
|
|
After cocktails in the Oak Room, the graying millionaire took the blond,
|
|
attractive, wholesome, winning young woman up to his suite. They chatted
|
|
for a while, and then kissed on the couch. A little fondling, some feeling
|
|
and petting ... to which the young lady lent herself shyly ... and then they
|
|
were in the wide, cool bed, naked together. They chatted more, established
|
|
a communion, a rapport the older man considered remarkably gratifying. The
|
|
girl seemed sympatico, innocent, good.
|
|
"Yes, that was it," he thought, "essentially good. Why, she could
|
|
be my own daughter." He smiled into the young girl's deep blue eyes.
|
|
"Tell me," he asked, his hand on her breast, "What's a nice girl
|
|
like you doing in a hotel like this?"
|
|
"Oh, about $2000 a week, with tips."
|
|
%
|
|
After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?
|
|
%
|
|
After Joan and Max had been married for 25 years, Max became disinterested
|
|
in sex, and his libido began to wan dramatically. In desperation, Joan
|
|
hauled him to a marriage counselor, who listened patiently to Joan's complaints
|
|
and Max's protestations. Max claimed that he was being nagged unmercifully
|
|
to fulfill Joan's needs, and that after awhile every marriage tended to
|
|
become less physical. Joan said that that wasn't true and that she had
|
|
needs and desires that he, as her husband, was expected to fulfill. Finally,
|
|
the counselor issued the verdict. "Max," he said, "Everybody has to give a
|
|
little for a marriage to work. From now on, no matter how you feel at the
|
|
time, you must give Joan her conjugal rights at least semi-annually. And,
|
|
remember, do it in a loving, considerate manner; after all, you and your
|
|
wife are a partnership of love." Joan was delighted, and floated out of the
|
|
counselor's offices. On the way downstairs, she nudged Max.
|
|
"So, honey, tell me... how many times a week is semi-annually?"
|
|
%
|
|
After making a daring escape from the penitentiary, the convict eluded
|
|
bloodhounds and police roadblocks and dodged helicopter searchlights on
|
|
his way to see his wife. Finally sneaking in the back entrance, he knocked
|
|
on the door and smiled triumphantly as she opened it. "Where the hell have
|
|
you been?" she blared. "You busted out more than six hours ago!"
|
|
%
|
|
After repeatedly warding off her date's amorous advances during the evening,
|
|
the pretty young thing decided to put her foot down: "See here," she shouted
|
|
indignantly. "This is positively the last time I'm going to tell you `no'."
|
|
"Splendid!" exclaimed her date. "Now we can start making some
|
|
progress."
|
|
%
|
|
After rushing into a drugstore, the nervous young man was obviously
|
|
embarrassed when a prim thirty-ish woman asked if she could serve him.
|
|
"N-no," he stammered, "I'd like to see the druggist."
|
|
"I'm the druggist", she replied cheerfully.
|
|
"Oh.. well, uh, it's nothing important," he said, and turned to leave.
|
|
"Young man," said the woman, "my sister and I have been running this
|
|
drugstore for nearly ten years. There is nothing you can tell us that will
|
|
embarrass us.
|
|
"Well, all right," he said. "I have this awful sexual hunger that
|
|
nothing will appease. No matter how many times I make love, I still want to
|
|
make love again and again. Is there anything you can give me for it?"
|
|
"Just a moment," said the woman, "I'll have to discuss this with my
|
|
sister."
|
|
A few minutes later, she returned. "The best we can do," she said,
|
|
"is room and board and a half-interest in the business."
|
|
%
|
|
After spending a forbidden night on the town, two young nuns were trying
|
|
to sneak through the fence surrounding their Convent.
|
|
"You know," giggled one as she held the wire apart for the other
|
|
to crawl through, "I feel like a Marine."
|
|
"So do I," the other nun sighed, "but where are we going to
|
|
find one at three in the morning?"
|
|
%
|
|
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that
|
|
brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."
|
|
-- Ronnie Shakes
|
|
%
|
|
After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.
|
|
-- Joan Rivers
|
|
%
|
|
Ah spring, when a fancy young man lightly turns his lover over.
|
|
%
|
|
AI hackers do it robotically.
|
|
%
|
|
AI hackers do it with robots.
|
|
%
|
|
Al Gore resembled a Vulcan desperately in need of a blow job.
|
|
-- Bobcat Goldthwait
|
|
%
|
|
Alaska, where Moosehead isn't a beer, it's a misdemeanor.
|
|
|
|
Q: You know how to figure out if your lover's been "invovlved"?
|
|
A: Antler marks on their hips.
|
|
%
|
|
Alcohol is like love: the first kiss is magic, the second is intimate,
|
|
the third is routine. After that you just take the girl's clothes off.
|
|
-- Raymond Chandler
|
|
%
|
|
Alcoholics Anonymous is when you get to drink under someone else's name.
|
|
%
|
|
Alex came home from a business trip to Chicago and found no one home but his
|
|
daughter Rose, who was crying bitterly.
|
|
"What's the matter, darling?" asked Alex.
|
|
"Mommy almost died last night," sobbed Rose.
|
|
"That's nonsense," said the father. "Why do you say that?"
|
|
"Well," said Rose,"you always told us that when we die we'll see God;
|
|
so when I heard Mommy moaning last night I rushed to her bedroom and she was
|
|
screaming, "Oh God, here I come," and she would have but Uncle Jerry held her
|
|
down."
|
|
%
|
|
"Algorithms" is an anagram for "Hilt orgasm". Maybe this explains
|
|
the popularity of this field of study in computer science.
|
|
%
|
|
alimony, n:
|
|
Having an ex you can bank on.
|
|
%
|
|
All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ,
|
|
a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm place to shift.
|
|
%
|
|
All husbands are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell
|
|
them apart.
|
|
%
|
|
All I really want in life is a piece and some quiet.
|
|
%
|
|
All I want is a girl made of wood,
|
|
With fine-grained hair and carven knee.
|
|
She wouldn't drink and wouldn't smoke,
|
|
Oh, wooden tit be loverly?
|
|
-- Pinocchio
|
|
%
|
|
All jobs should be open to everybody, unless they actually require a
|
|
penis or a vagina.
|
|
-- Florynce Kennedy
|
|
|
|
There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis
|
|
or a vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.
|
|
-- Gloria Steinem
|
|
%
|
|
All religions issue Bibles against Satan, and say the most
|
|
injurious things against him, but we never hear his side.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
All the girls in France, do a hookie-kookie dance,
|
|
And you know the way they shake, is enough to fry a snake,
|
|
And the snake they fry, is enough to tell a lie,
|
|
And the lie they tell, is enough to go to
|
|
Hello, operator, give me number nine,
|
|
If you disconnect me, I'll kick you in the
|
|
Behind the 'frigerator, there was a piece of glass,
|
|
If you do not pick it up, I'll kick you in the
|
|
Ask me no more questions, tell me no more lies,
|
|
This is what Lulu told me, just before she died.
|
|
She had a little brother, she named him Tiny Tim,
|
|
She put him in the potty, to see if he could swim.
|
|
He swam down to the bottom, he swam up to the top,
|
|
Lulu got disgusted, and flushed him down the pot.
|
|
-- Princess
|
|
%
|
|
All things dull and ugly, Each little snake that poisons,
|
|
All creatures short and squat, Each little wasp that stings,
|
|
All things rude and nasty, He made their brutish venom,
|
|
The Lord God made the lot; He made their horrid wings.
|
|
|
|
All things sick and cancerous, Each nasty little hornet,
|
|
All evil great and small, Each beastly little squid.
|
|
All things foul and dangerous, Who made the spikey urchin?
|
|
The Lord God made them all. Who made the sharks? He did.
|
|
|
|
All things scabbed and ulcerous,
|
|
All pox both great and small.
|
|
Putrid, foul and gangrenous,
|
|
The Lord God made them all.
|
|
-- Monty Python
|
|
%
|
|
All this big deal about white collar crime -- what's WRONG with white collar
|
|
crime? Who enjoys his job today? You? Me? Anybody? The only satisfying
|
|
part of any job is coffee break, lunch hour and quitting time. Years ago
|
|
there was at least the hope of improvement -- eventual promotion -- more
|
|
important jobs to come. Once you can be sold the myth that you may make
|
|
president of the company you'll hardly ever steal stamps. But nobody
|
|
believes he's going to be president anymore. The more people change jobs
|
|
the more they realize that there is a direct connection between working for
|
|
a living and total stupefying boredom. So why NOT take revenge? You're not
|
|
going to find ME knocking a guy because he pads an expense account and his
|
|
home stationery carries the company emblem. Take away crime from the white
|
|
collar worker and you will rob him of his last vestige of job interest.
|
|
-- J. Feiffer
|
|
%
|
|
All work and no pay makes a housewife.
|
|
%
|
|
Already the spirit of our schooling is permeated with the feeling that every
|
|
subject, every topic, every fact, every professed truth must be submitted
|
|
to a certain publicity and impartiality. All proffered samples of learning
|
|
must go to the same assay-room and be subjected to common tests. It is the
|
|
essence of all dogmatic faiths to hold that any such "show-down" is
|
|
sacrilegious and perverse. The characteristic of religion, from their point
|
|
of view, is that it is intellectually secret, not public; peculiarly revealed,
|
|
not generally known; authoritatively declared, not communicated and tested
|
|
in ordinary ways...It is pertinent to point out that, as long as religion
|
|
is conceived as it is now by the great majority of professed religionists,
|
|
there is something self-contradictory in speaking of education in religion
|
|
in the same sense in which we speak of education in topics where the method
|
|
of free inquiry has made its way. The "religious" would be the last to be
|
|
willing that either the history of the content of religion should be taught
|
|
in this spirit; while those to whom the scientific standpoint is not merely
|
|
a technical device, but is the embodiment of the integrity of mind, must
|
|
protest against its being taught in any other spirit.
|
|
-- John Dewey, "Democracy in the Schools", 1908
|
|
%
|
|
Although a fifth-generation American, Father Sweeny was more Irish than most
|
|
of Erin's natives. He spoke with an Irish brogue which had mysteriously
|
|
appeared during his nineteenth year and he *hated* the English. Due to his
|
|
proclivity to belabor the British from his pulpit, complaints to his
|
|
superiors were not infrequent. He would blame anything evil or merely
|
|
inconvenient on the English people. If there was an act of terrorism, the
|
|
responsibility was promptly laid at the feet of the Brits. If there was a
|
|
natural disaster, undoubtedly the English government was an accessory to
|
|
the fact, if not outrightly culpable. Repeatedly, his superiors called him
|
|
on the carpet for his behavior. After a particularly vituperative
|
|
anti-British broadside, the Bishop instructed Father Sweeny to come straight
|
|
to his office; do not pass GO; do not collect two hundred dollars. Summing
|
|
up a humiliating and soul-marking reprimand, the Bishop ended with: "Next
|
|
week is Saint Patrick's Day. If you so much as *mention* the British, it's
|
|
your last sermon!"
|
|
|
|
The following Sunday, as Father Sweeny spoke lovingly and eloquently of
|
|
Saint Patrick, and he made a reference to the last Passover celebrated by
|
|
Christ and His disciples. "Sure, an' you're all familiar with the tale.
|
|
You know that Our Lord sat at the table and told his disciples that one
|
|
among them would betray Him. As He looked around the table, He stopped at
|
|
Peter, the Rock, who said, `Not I, Lord!' He looked at Thomas, who doubted,
|
|
and Thomas said, `I could never do such a thing!' Then the Lord looked long
|
|
and hard at Judas Iscariot, who said, `Cor, bloimy, Guv'na, you couldn't
|
|
main may!'"
|
|
%
|
|
Always talk to your wife while you're
|
|
making love... if there's a phone handy.
|
|
%
|
|
ambition, n:
|
|
An ant crawling up an elephant's leg with rape on his mind.
|
|
%
|
|
America ... just a nation of two hundred million used car salesman
|
|
with all the money we need to buy guns and no qualms about killing
|
|
anybody else in the world who tries to make us uncomfortable.
|
|
-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing on the Campaign
|
|
Trail"
|
|
%
|
|
America cannot be sold a can of beer without
|
|
being offered a piece of pussy along with it.
|
|
-- Julius Lester
|
|
%
|
|
America, I'm putting my queer shoulder to the wheel.
|
|
-- Allen Ginsberg
|
|
%
|
|
American culture is based on the automobile, and any young man of promise
|
|
is going to own one and want to travel great distances in it. Consequently,
|
|
any young woman of aspiration should expect to spend most of her vacations
|
|
in a car, probing into unfamiliar corners. She is not required to know how
|
|
to drive but she will certainly be expected to read the road map while her
|
|
husband drives, and if she can't, or if she's abnormally slow in giving him
|
|
help, she's bound to cause trouble. Therefore, you'd think that colleges
|
|
which train the bright young women who're going to marry the bright young
|
|
men who are going to own the Cadillacs that roar back and forth across this
|
|
continent would teach the girls to read maps. None do. They teach a hundred
|
|
other useless things, but never a word about the one that will cause the
|
|
greatest friction.
|
|
-- James Michener, "Space"
|
|
%
|
|
America's two greatest inventions are finger-fucking and carpet-bombing.
|
|
-- Lyndon B. Johnson
|
|
%
|
|
An 11 is a 10 who doesn't have headaches.
|
|
%
|
|
An American, a Frenchman, and a Vietnamese refugee had a discussion about
|
|
the happiness of life.
|
|
"To me, happiness is returning home on a Monday evening, having a wonderful
|
|
dinner prepared by my wife, then slouching on the sofa watching Monday Night
|
|
Football," the American said.
|
|
"You Americans are not romantic at all", the French injected, "Sharing
|
|
a beautiful evening with my lover, walking along the Seine river, and having a
|
|
romantic dinner on top of the Eiffel tower. That is happiness of life."
|
|
"You call those things happiness", the Vietnamese laughed, "then you
|
|
two still don't understand life at all. Imagine this. You are sleeping
|
|
soundly at night in Saigon. Then suddenly you hear loud knocks on your front
|
|
door. You hear loud voices, 'Mr. Nguyen Van Binh, open the door!'. Quaking
|
|
with fear, you rush out and open the door. Right there, you see two secret
|
|
policemen ready to handcuff you. One of them says to you, 'Mr. Nguyen Van
|
|
Binh, you are under arrest for your anti-revolutionary activities. You are
|
|
being sent to the re-educational camp tonight!' Sweating profusely and
|
|
shaking uncontrollably, you reply to them, 'Comrades, Mr. Nguyen Van Binh
|
|
lives next door.' That moment is happiness in life, my friends.
|
|
%
|
|
An American businessman in London was given special visitor's privileges at an
|
|
exclusive men's club. Striding in one afternoon, the American approached the
|
|
only other man in the lounge and tried to strike up a conversation. "Care
|
|
for a cigar?" he asked.
|
|
"No, thank you," the Englishman replied. "I tried smoking once and
|
|
didn't like it."
|
|
"Would you care to join me in the bar for a drink, then?" the
|
|
businessman asked.
|
|
"No, thank you. I tried drinking once and it didn't agree with me."
|
|
"Well, how about a game of billiards?"
|
|
"Sorry. I tried it once and couldn't seem to get the hang of it."
|
|
As the American started to turn away, the Englishman said, "But my
|
|
son will be here shortly, and I'm sure he would enjoy a game with you."
|
|
"Your son? An only child, I presume."
|
|
%
|
|
An American couple is in Paris, a much awaited trip, when suddenly the wife
|
|
dies of a heart attack. The husband decides to have her buried there as the
|
|
visit to France was something they had longed for for many years. All
|
|
arrangements are made when he suddenly realizes that he doesn't have a black
|
|
hat for the funeral. The hotel concierge tells him that what he wants is a
|
|
"chapeau noir." So off he goes to find a store open late.
|
|
First he meets a gendarme and in his fractured French asks, "M'sieur,
|
|
ou pouvais-je acheter un capeau noir?"
|
|
The policeman is a bit surprised but, after thinking a bit, gives our
|
|
friend directions. The store -- if that is what it is -- looks a little seedy
|
|
and run down, but the man behind the counter looks friendly so in goes our
|
|
hero. He speaks first:
|
|
"M'sieur, je veux acheter un capeau noir."
|
|
"Mais, monsieur, j'ai des capeaux rouges, des capeaux blancs, et des
|
|
capeaux marrons, mais pas des capeaux noires. Pourquoi avez vous besoin d'un
|
|
capeau noir?"
|
|
"Ma femme est morte."
|
|
"O Monsieur! Quelle beau sentiment!"
|
|
%
|
|
An American walks into an Irish pub around lunchtime, and finds the place
|
|
is completely filled and there are no chairs available, with the exception
|
|
of one -- seating a Chihuahua next to a woman. He very politely asks her
|
|
if she would mind placing her dog on the floor for a few minutes while he
|
|
got a quick bite to eat.
|
|
"I most certainly would!", the woman haughtily replies. "Little
|
|
Fifi *always* sits next to me at lunchtime and there she will stay!"
|
|
Whereupon, the American picks up the Chihuahua, throws it out of
|
|
an open window and takes the seat.
|
|
An Irishman, watching the whole encounter, walks over, taps the
|
|
American on the shoulder and says, "Mate, I guess I never will understand
|
|
you Americans. You drink your beer cold, drive on the right side of the
|
|
street, and you just threw the wrong bitch out the window!"
|
|
%
|
|
An angst-ridden amorist, Fred,
|
|
Saw sartorial changes ahead.
|
|
His mind kept on ringing
|
|
With fishy girls singing;
|
|
Soft fruit also filled him with dread.
|
|
-- J. Walker, "The Love Song Of J. Alfred Prufrock"
|
|
%
|
|
An Army travels on her stomach.
|
|
%
|
|
An encounter with a beautiful woman is good medicine for the well organized
|
|
logical mind -- a little jolt never hurt. Note that the anarchists have
|
|
been saying this for years about the A-bomb and civilization.
|
|
-- Encyclopadia Apocryphia
|
|
%
|
|
An office party is not, as is sometimes supposed the Managing Director's
|
|
chance to kiss the tea-girl. It is the tea-girl's chance to kiss the
|
|
Managing Director (however bizarre an ambition this may seem to anyone
|
|
who has seen the Managing Director face on).
|
|
-- Katherine Whitehorn, "Roundabout"
|
|
%
|
|
And do you not think that each of you women is an Eve? The judgement of God
|
|
upon your sex endures today; and with it invariably endures your position of
|
|
criminal at the bar of justice.
|
|
-- Tertullian, second-century Christian writer
|
|
%
|
|
...And have you ever noticed that you never see the Father, the Son, and
|
|
the Holy Ghost partying together at the same time? Oh, sure, everybody
|
|
talks like they aren't the same person, but I wonder...
|
|
%
|
|
And having stretched me out upon his bed with my head a little to one side,
|
|
he sat down next to me and raised my head upon his lap. He peered avidly at
|
|
me, his eyes seemed ready to devour the secretion oozing from my nose. "Oh,
|
|
the pretty little snotface," said he, beginning to pant, "How I'm going to
|
|
suck her." Therewith bending down over me, and taking my nose in his mouth,
|
|
not only did he devour all the mucus between my nose and mouth, but he even
|
|
lewdly darted the tip of his tongue into each of my nostrils, one after the
|
|
other, and with such cleverness he provoked two or three sneezes which
|
|
redoubled the flow he desired and was consuming so hungrily. But ask me for
|
|
no details bearing upon this fellow, Messieurs, nothing appeared, and whether
|
|
because he did nothing, or because he did it all in his drawers, there was
|
|
nothing to be seen, and amidst the multitude of his kisses and lecherous
|
|
lickings there was nothing outstanding which might have denoted an ecstasy,
|
|
and consequently it is my opinion that he did not discharge. All my clothes
|
|
were in place, even his hands stayed still, and I give you my word that this
|
|
old libertine's fantasy might be performed upon the world's most respectable
|
|
and least initiated girl without her being able to suppose there was anything
|
|
lewd in it at all.
|
|
-- Marquis de Sade
|
|
%
|
|
And let me the canakin clink, clink;
|
|
and let me the canakin clink.
|
|
A soldier's a man;
|
|
O, man's life's but a span,
|
|
Why then, let a soldier drink.
|
|
%
|
|
And now, the Bing Crosby show, brought to you by the makers of Ex-Lax.
|
|
... a brief pause, and then Bing!
|
|
%
|
|
And on the third day, Christ arose, pushed aside the rock that had served
|
|
as the tomb door, and walked again on the earth.
|
|
And as he departed, a passer-by pointed at the door Jesus had left
|
|
open. "What's the matter with you?" he said. "Born in a barn?"
|
|
%
|
|
And prively he caughte hire by the queynte,
|
|
And heeld hire harde by the haunche-bones.
|
|
--Geoffrey Chaucer, The Miller's Tale
|
|
%
|
|
And so it goes. It is humiliating, when you should know better, to become
|
|
victim of the timeless story of the little brown dog running across the
|
|
freight yard, crossing all the railroad tracks until a switch engine nipped
|
|
off the end of his tail between wheel and rail. The little dog yelped, and
|
|
he spun so quickly to check himself out that the next wheel chopped through
|
|
his little brown neck. The moral is, of course, never lose your head over
|
|
a piece of tail.
|
|
-- John D. MacDonald, "The Scarlet Ruse"
|
|
%
|
|
And the northern lights commenced to glow.
|
|
And she said, with a tear in her eye,
|
|
"Watch out where the huskies go, and don't you eat that yellow snow."
|
|
-- Frank Zappa, "The Story of Nanook and the Fur Trapper"
|
|
%
|
|
And then there was the lawyer that stepped in cow manure and thought
|
|
he was melting...
|
|
%
|
|
"And what do you two think you are doing?!" roared the husband, as he came
|
|
upon his wife in bed with another man. The wife turned and smiled at her
|
|
companion.
|
|
"See?" she said. "I told you he was stupid!"
|
|
%
|
|
Another greeting card category consists of those persons who send out
|
|
photographs of their families every year. In the same mail that brought the
|
|
greetings from Marcia and Philip, my friend found such a conversation piece.
|
|
"My God, Lida is enormous!" she exclaimed. I don't know why women want to
|
|
record each year, for two or three hundred people to see, the ravages wrought
|
|
upon them, their mates, and their progeny by the artillery of time, but
|
|
between five and seven per cent of Christmas cards, at a rough estimate, are
|
|
family groups, and even the most charitable recipient studies them for little
|
|
signs of dissolution or derangement. Nothing cheers a woman more, I am afraid,
|
|
than the proof that another woman is letting herself go, or has lost control
|
|
of her figure, or is clearly driving her husband crazy, or is obviously
|
|
drinking more than is good for her, or still doesn't know what to wear.
|
|
Middle-aged husbands in such photographs are often described as looking
|
|
"young enough to be her son," but they don't always escape so easily, and a
|
|
couple opening envelopes in the season of mercy and good will sometimes handle
|
|
a male friend or acquaintance rather sharply. "Good Lord!" the wife will say.
|
|
"Frank looks like a sex-crazed shotgun slayer, doesn't he?" "Not to me," the
|
|
husband may reply. "to me he looks more like a Wilkes-Barre dentist who is
|
|
being sought by the police in connection with the disappearance of a choir
|
|
singer."
|
|
-- James Thurber, "Merry Christmas"
|
|
%
|
|
Another nun joke!!!
|
|
You see, three nuns were walking down the street, when suddenly
|
|
this flasher jumped out in front of them and opened his trench coat,
|
|
exposing his all to the sisters. Well, two of the nuns had strokes right
|
|
there, but the third nun wouldn't touch it.
|
|
%
|
|
Another stupid gay joke!!!
|
|
You see, this gay man walks into a Texas bar and orders a strawberry
|
|
daiquiri. The bartender looks him over with amusement and says: "We don't
|
|
serve your kind, buddy, why don't you get out of here before the boys come
|
|
in and kick your ass?"
|
|
The guy whimpers a little and lisps, "Pleasse misssture I am soooo
|
|
thurstay...."
|
|
Well, the bartender feels somewhat sorry for him and hands him a beer
|
|
on the house on the condition that he drink it in the back and leave as soon
|
|
as he's done. A little while later, a hulking cowboy walks in and up to the
|
|
bar. He slams his fist on the bar and hollers, "I'm so thirsty, I could
|
|
lick the sweat off of a bulls' balls!"
|
|
From the back of the bar comes the cry... "Moo, moo, buckaroooooo!!!"
|
|
%
|
|
anxiety, n:
|
|
The first time you can't do it a second time.
|
|
|
|
panic, n:
|
|
The second time you can't do it the first time.
|
|
%
|
|
Any girl who believes that the way to a man's heart is through
|
|
his stomach is obviously setting her standards too high.
|
|
%
|
|
Any woman is a volume if one knows how to read her.
|
|
%
|
|
Anything more than three shakes is for fun.
|
|
%
|
|
APL hackers take all they want.
|
|
%
|
|
Apple owners do it with mice!
|
|
%
|
|
APPOINTMENT BOOK:
|
|
The reference of last resort when trying to duck undesired
|
|
invitations ("Gee, the soonest I can pencil you in is
|
|
December, 2004"), or when trying to figure out what the hell
|
|
it was you did during the past year.
|
|
%
|
|
Are there those in the land of the brave
|
|
Who can tell me how I should behave
|
|
When I am disgraced
|
|
Because I erased
|
|
A file I intended to save?
|
|
%
|
|
ARIES (Mar. 21 to Apr. 19)
|
|
Be cheerful today. People who don't like you will outnumber those
|
|
who do. You have warts. Focus on domestic status, financial matters,
|
|
and venereal disease. Look for involvement with Libra or Aquarius
|
|
natives; probably a fistfight with one of each.
|
|
%
|
|
Arkansas:
|
|
Where the men are men, so are the women and the sheep run scared.
|
|
%
|
|
As fathers commonly go, it is seldom a misfortune to be fatherless;
|
|
and considering the general run of sons, as seldom a misfortune to
|
|
be childless.
|
|
|
|
The only solid and lasting peace between a man and his wife is,
|
|
doubtless, a separation.
|
|
-- Lord Chesterfield, letter to his son, 1763
|
|
%
|
|
As for Carter being for registration but against the draft, isn't that
|
|
sort of being like for putting it in and not taking it out? Even if it
|
|
was possible not to follow through, you'd still be getting screwed.
|
|
%
|
|
As long as your ass is pointed at the ground, don't fuck with me.
|
|
%
|
|
As my dear autie used to say, "Love makes the world go 'round, but sex
|
|
makes the ride fun."
|
|
%
|
|
As near as I can tell, you're not any crazier
|
|
than the average asshole on the street.
|
|
-- R.P. McMurphy, "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"
|
|
%
|
|
As part of an equal opportunity project, a memo was sent to all the offices
|
|
within External Affairs asking for "A list of all employees broken down by
|
|
sex."
|
|
One of the memos was returned with the notation: "I'm sorry: we
|
|
know of nobody in this office who fits your criteria. We do, however,
|
|
have two alcoholics."
|
|
%
|
|
As she lay there dozing next beside me, a voice inside my head kept
|
|
saying "Relax... you're not the first doctor who's ever slept with
|
|
one of his patients," but another voice kept reminding me, "Howard,
|
|
you're a veterinarian."
|
|
%
|
|
As the Catholic church becomes more and more tolerant, some day they will
|
|
have to consider the possibility of a gay pope. Possibly the largest
|
|
issue will be having to decide whether he is "absolutely divine" or "just
|
|
simply marvelous."
|
|
%
|
|
As the recent sightings of bumper stickers reading "IN CASE OF RAPTURE, THIS
|
|
VEHICLE WILL BE UNMANNED" have created a great deal of confusion, Fortune
|
|
offers the following excerpts from the 1989 printing of the State of Maryland
|
|
Driver's Handbook:
|
|
If you notice a glorious light in the sky, a sound as of an infinite
|
|
choir of unearthly voices, and a host of winged beings descending from the
|
|
heavens, do not panic. If you are on the freeway, move to the shoulder as
|
|
soon as it is safe to do so, activate your hazard blinkers, and wait for the
|
|
end of the world. If you are Saved, it is especially important that you do
|
|
this BEFORE you are carried to your Eternal Reward, in order that your vehicle
|
|
not become a hazard to others. Remember, Rapture is the number one cause of
|
|
automobile accidents during major spiritual upheavals. You may experience a
|
|
feeling of discorporation ("being pulled from one's body") while driving. To
|
|
ensure the safety of your passengers and other drivers, move to the shoulder
|
|
as soon as you notice any of the following symptoms:
|
|
-- An overwhelming sense of peace and happiness.
|
|
-- Visions of the faces of deceased family members.
|
|
-- A glorious figure in white, beckoning from the end of a tunnel of
|
|
white mist (do not confuse this with traffic control or maintenance officers,
|
|
who wear dark blue and safety orange.)
|
|
Once the feeling has passed, inspect your surroundings. If still in
|
|
your car, you have probably suffered a stroke and should have someone drive
|
|
you to a hospital at once. If you find yourself in the Kingdom of God, consult
|
|
the local officials for information on local traffic rules and regulations.
|
|
%
|
|
As the truck driver came flying over the top of a steep hill, he spotted two
|
|
figures in his path rolling around in the middle of the road. The driver blew
|
|
his horn and braked frantically, but the couple continued their lovemaking,
|
|
oblivious to his warnings. The truck finally slid to a halt barely three
|
|
inches from the pair. "Are you crazy?" the driver screamed at them. "You
|
|
could have been killed!"
|
|
The man stood up and faced the driver. "Well, I was coming, she was
|
|
coming and you were coming," he panted, "and you were the only one with
|
|
brakes."
|
|
%
|
|
As they say about Dungeons and Dragons, "Life's a die, and then you bitch."
|
|
%
|
|
Ask your boss to reconsider --
|
|
It's so difficult to take "Go to hell" for an answer.
|
|
%
|
|
Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old
|
|
woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, "The way I look at it,
|
|
she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds."
|
|
-- David Letterman
|
|
%
|
|
ASS:
|
|
The masculine of "lass".
|
|
%
|
|
Ass, grass or gas... nobody rides for free!
|
|
%
|
|
Assassins do it from behind.
|
|
%
|
|
At her annual checkup, the attractive young woman is told by the doctor that
|
|
it's necessary to take her temperature rectally. She agrees and bends over
|
|
the examining table, but a few seconds later says indignantly, "Doctor, that's
|
|
NOT my rectum!"
|
|
"Madam," says the doctor, "that's not my thermometer!"
|
|
Just then, the woman's husband, hearing her voice, comes into the
|
|
room. "Just what the hell is going on here?" he demands.
|
|
"I'm taking your wife's temperature," the doctor cooly replies.
|
|
"Okay, doc, you know best," says the husband as he picks a scalpel
|
|
off the doctor's desk, "but when that thing comes out, it better have
|
|
numbers on it!"
|
|
%
|
|
At last, the first Soviet, artificially intelligent computer had been produced.
|
|
The engineers did not get it, nor the physicists. First things first: it went
|
|
to the institute of Marxism-Leninism.
|
|
|
|
"IS IT POSSIBLE TO BUILD SOCIALISM IN SWITZERLAND?" typed in one of the
|
|
theologians.
|
|
"YES," replied the computer. "BUT IT WOULD BE SUCH A PITY TO DESTROY
|
|
SUCH A BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY."
|
|
%
|
|
At twenty-six, Kate, though not promiscuous, had slept with most of the
|
|
decent men in public life.
|
|
-- Renata Adler
|
|
%
|
|
Attractive bisexual young woman seeks same for high mellow times.
|
|
%
|
|
Australia's a lovely land
|
|
It's full of bonza blokes,
|
|
Sheilas, beer and no-one's queer
|
|
Except in Pommie jokes.
|
|
|
|
Australians are lovely chaps
|
|
They're God's own chosen race.
|
|
If they ever see a fairy Pom
|
|
They'll smash him in the face.
|
|
|
|
Australians like dressing up
|
|
In skirts and having fun
|
|
And that's all we were doing
|
|
When the Vice Squad came along.
|
|
-- Monty Python
|
|
%
|
|
A-Z affectionately,
|
|
1 to 10 alphabetically,
|
|
from here to eternity without in betweens,
|
|
still looking for a custom fit in an off-the-rack world,
|
|
sales talk from sales assistants
|
|
when all i want to do is lower your resistance,
|
|
no rhythm in cymbals no tempo in drums,
|
|
love's on arrival,
|
|
she comes when she comes,
|
|
right on the target but wide of the mark...
|
|
%
|
|
B4 I4Q, RU/18 QT 3.14
|
|
%
|
|
Bachelors' wives and old maids' children are always perfect.
|
|
-- Nicolas Chamfort
|
|
%
|
|
Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was
|
|
popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red-
|
|
blooded born and bred Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from
|
|
back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady. The city-slicker
|
|
kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll
|
|
give you $10 for a blow job."
|
|
The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and
|
|
killed the city-slicker on the spot. The lady gasped and said, "Thank
|
|
you, suh, for defendin' mah honor!"
|
|
Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell!
|
|
No tenderfoot is gonna come 'round here raisin' the price of women in Texas!"
|
|
%
|
|
Balls Law:
|
|
The angle of the dangle is directly proportional to the heat
|
|
of the meat provided that the thrusts of the busts are constant.
|
|
%
|
|
BALTIMORE:
|
|
Where the women wear turtleneck
|
|
sweaters to hide their flea collars.
|
|
%
|
|
Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal).
|
|
%
|
|
Be prepared... that's the Boy Scout's solemn creed.
|
|
Be prepared... to be clean in word and deed.
|
|
Don't solicit for your sister, that's not nice,
|
|
Unless you get a good percentage of her price.
|
|
-- Tom Lehrer
|
|
%
|
|
BEAT ME, BITE ME, WHIP ME, FUCK ME!!!
|
|
%
|
|
Beat me, bite me, whip me, fuck me, make me write bad checks!
|
|
%
|
|
Beauty, n:
|
|
The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.
|
|
-- Ambrose Bierce
|
|
%
|
|
Beauty seldom recommends one woman to another.
|
|
%
|
|
Because woman's work is never done and is underpaid or unpaid or boring or
|
|
repetitious and we're the first to get the sack and what we look like is
|
|
more important than what we do and if we get raped it's our fault and if we
|
|
get bashed we must have provoked it and if we raise our voices we're nagging
|
|
bitches and if we enjoy sex nymphos and if we don't we're frigid and if we
|
|
love women it's because we can't get a "real" man and if we ask our doctor
|
|
too many questions we're neurotic and/or pushy and if we expect community
|
|
care for children we're selfish and if we stand up for our rights we're
|
|
aggressive and "unfeminine" and if we don't we're typical weak females and
|
|
if we want to get married we're out to trap a man and if we don't we're
|
|
unnatural and because we still can't get an adequate safe contraceptive but
|
|
men can walk on the moon and if we can't cope or don't want a pregnancy we're
|
|
made to feel guilty about abortion and... for lots and lots of other reasons
|
|
we are part of the women's liberation movement.
|
|
%
|
|
Bedfellows make strange politicians.
|
|
%
|
|
beef stroganoff, n:
|
|
A bull masturbating.
|
|
%
|
|
"Before we get married," said the young woman to her fiancee, "I want to
|
|
confess some affairs that I've had in the past."
|
|
"But you told me all about those a few weeks ago," her young man
|
|
replied.
|
|
"Yes, darling," she explained, "but that was a few weeks ago."
|
|
%
|
|
Beifeld's Principle:
|
|
The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive
|
|
young female increases by pyramidical progression when he
|
|
is already in the company of (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a
|
|
better-looking and richer male friend.
|
|
-- R. Beifeld
|
|
%
|
|
Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals.
|
|
To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football.
|
|
-- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
|
|
%
|
|
Bend over and take it like a man!
|
|
%
|
|
Beneath this stone a virgin lies,
|
|
For her life held no terrors.
|
|
A virgin born, a virgin died:
|
|
No hits, no runs, no errors.
|
|
%
|
|
Beneath this stone lies Murphy,
|
|
They buried him today,
|
|
He lived the life of Riley,
|
|
While Riley was away.
|
|
%
|
|
Benny Hill: Would you like a peanut?
|
|
Girl: No, thank you, I don't want to be under obligation.
|
|
Benny Hill: You won't be under obligation for a peanut.
|
|
It's not as if it were a chocolate bar or something.
|
|
%
|
|
Better a sister in a whorehouse than a brother on a Honda.
|
|
%
|
|
BETTER LATE THAN NEVER:
|
|
The single girl's motto.
|
|
%
|
|
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
|
|
-- Mae West
|
|
%
|
|
Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose.
|
|
%
|
|
Bi now, gay later!
|
|
%
|
|
Big Toe: The pad of the male big toe applied to the clitoris or the vulva
|
|
generally is a magnificent erotic instrument. The famous gentleman in erotic
|
|
prints who is keeping six women occupied is using tongue, penis, both hands,
|
|
and both big toes. Use the toe in mammary or armpit intercourse or any time
|
|
you are astride her, or sit facing as she lies or sits. Make sure the nail
|
|
isn't sharp. In a restaurant, in these days of tights one can surreptitiously
|
|
remove a shoe and sock, reach over, and keep her in almost continuous orgasm
|
|
with all four hands fully in view on the table top and no sign of contact--
|
|
A party trick which really rates as advanced sex. She has less scope, but
|
|
can learn to masturbate him with her two big toes. The toes are definitely
|
|
erogenic areas, and can be kissed, sucked, tickled, or tied with stimulating
|
|
results.
|
|
-- The Joy of Sex
|
|
[Avoid armpit intercourse when razor stubble is present. Ed.]
|
|
%
|
|
Bill and Jim were walking home from work. As they walked along, they
|
|
discussed their wives' spending habits. "I don't understand how women
|
|
can spend so much money," Bill exclaimed. "I mean, understand, she
|
|
don't drink, and she's got her own pussy!"
|
|
%
|
|
Birth, copulation and death.
|
|
That's all the facts when you come to brass tacks;
|
|
Birth, copulation and death.
|
|
-- T.S. Elliot, "Sweeney Agonistes"
|
|
%
|
|
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
|
|
-- Woody Allen
|
|
%
|
|
Bitch, bitch, bitch --
|
|
That's all I ever hear,
|
|
Ever since the dog ate the baby,
|
|
"Get rida the dog, get rida the dog."
|
|
%
|
|
Blow it out your ass!
|
|
%
|
|
Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in plain
|
|
sight. It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again. The legend has it that St.
|
|
Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. In fact, he was arrested for drunk
|
|
driving. The snakes left because people kept throwing up on them.
|
|
%
|
|
BOHICA:
|
|
Bend over, here it comes again.
|
|
%
|
|
Bondage, or as the French call it, ligottage, is the gentle art of tying up
|
|
your sex partner --- not to overcome reluctance but to boost orgasm. It's
|
|
one unscheduled sex technique which a lot of people find extremely exciting
|
|
but are scared to try, and a venerable human resource for increasing sexual
|
|
feeling, partly because it's a harmless expression of sexual aggression --
|
|
something we badly need, our culture being very uptight about it -- and more
|
|
because of its physical affects: slow orgasm when unable to move is a
|
|
mind-blowing experience for anyone not too frightened of their own aggressive
|
|
self to try it.
|
|
-- The Joy of Sex
|
|
%
|
|
Bookstores will soon be stocking a volume called "The Unsensuous
|
|
Census Taker". It's about a guy who comes once every ten years.
|
|
%
|
|
Brain on vacation, penis on autopilot.
|
|
%
|
|
Breakfast sometime?
|
|
Sure.
|
|
Shall I call you or just nudge you?
|
|
%
|
|
Bridget O'Flaherty McHugh
|
|
Held venal traffic with a gnu.
|
|
Mistaking fore for aft one morn
|
|
Impaled herself upon its horn.
|
|
|
|
Moral: Those who seek high ends should shun
|
|
our furred and feathered friends.
|
|
%
|
|
Brigands will demand your money or
|
|
your life, but a woman will demand both.
|
|
-- Samuel Butler
|
|
%
|
|
Bringing your mate to a convention is like taking a game warden hunting.
|
|
%
|
|
Britain has lowered the tax on chastity belts by about 60 cents each...
|
|
[reclassifying them] as a safety device rather than... clothing
|
|
-- NY Times
|
|
%
|
|
Brother Jim's recent appearance on the William and Mary campus this past
|
|
week was cut short by an ingenious device designed by two computer science
|
|
students. A three-foot bar of extruded aluminum was precisely machined,
|
|
with a hole milled down the center of precisely the dimensions of one of
|
|
the small Gideon bibles. The end capped off, a CO2 canister was connected
|
|
to provide up to 2,000 PSIG. Prelimary estimates during field testing
|
|
revealed a muzzle velocity of approximately 120-150 MPH for bibles exiting
|
|
the tube. Sufficient ammunition was obtained during a previous visit to
|
|
campus by another religious organization, and the system was first used on
|
|
Brother Jim, who suffered a broken rib and numerous small bruises, in
|
|
addition to the usual humiliation.
|
|
%
|
|
brunette bush, n:
|
|
The dark side of the moon.
|
|
%
|
|
bug, n:
|
|
A son of a glitch.
|
|
%
|
|
Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere, Yankee
|
|
Ingenuity did exactly that. But their true stroke of genius was the new bait.
|
|
The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese; nobody cares much about
|
|
cheese, except mice. But when American know-how reloaded the brassiere with
|
|
tits, every heterosexual male in the country was hopelessly trapped.
|
|
-- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
|
|
%
|
|
"But if it's 80% glucose, then why does it taste salty?"
|
|
-- Anonymous med school student.
|
|
%
|
|
But they'll never mechanize me -- not me!
|
|
Said Charlotte, the Louisville harlot.
|
|
-- S.I. Hayakawa
|
|
%
|
|
But we've only fondled the surface of that subject.
|
|
-- Virginia Masters, of Master & Johnson
|
|
%
|
|
Buy old masters. They fetch better prices than old mistresses.
|
|
-- Lord Beaverbrook
|
|
%
|
|
By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you
|
|
get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
|
|
-- Socrates
|
|
%
|
|
CAD:
|
|
A man who doesn't tell his wife
|
|
that he's sterile until she's pregnant.
|
|
%
|
|
CALIFORNIA:
|
|
From Latin 'calor', meaning "heat" (as in English 'calorie' or
|
|
Spanish 'caliente'); and 'fornia', for "sexual intercourse" or
|
|
"fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex."
|
|
-- Ed Moran, Covina, California
|
|
%
|
|
Call for Ms. Lingus, Ms. Connie Lingus...
|
|
%
|
|
callgirl, n:
|
|
A negotiable blond.
|
|
%
|
|
Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle.
|
|
-- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
|
|
%
|
|
Camille's Axiom:
|
|
If you haven't asked yourself, "Why the hell did
|
|
I go to college anyway?", you must be teaching.
|
|
%
|
|
Canada is so square even the female impersonators are women.
|
|
-- From the movie "Outrageous"
|
|
%
|
|
CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
|
|
You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems.
|
|
They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off.
|
|
That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare
|
|
recipients are Cancer people.
|
|
%
|
|
Candy
|
|
Is dandy
|
|
But liquor
|
|
Is quicker.
|
|
-- Ogden Nash, "Reflections on Ice-Breaking"
|
|
|
|
Fortune updates the great quotes: #53.
|
|
Candy is dandy; but liquor is quicker,
|
|
and sex won't rot your teeth.
|
|
%
|
|
Captain Hook died of jock itch.
|
|
%
|
|
"Carefully study these two enlarged photographs on display, Mr. Rafferty,"
|
|
the attorney for a politician suing a newspaper for libel instructed his
|
|
client on the witness stand, "and indicate which is your ass and which is
|
|
a hole in the ground."
|
|
%
|
|
Catholicism has changed tremendously in the recent years. Now when
|
|
Communion is served there is also a salad bar.
|
|
-- Bill Marr
|
|
%
|
|
Ce livre est dedie a Chagrin, This book is dedicated to Chagrin,
|
|
Qui fit un petit mannequin: Who fashioned a small doll:
|
|
Sans bras et tout noir, Without arms and all black,
|
|
Il etait affreux voir; It was horrible sight;
|
|
En effet, absolument la fin. In effect, the absolute end.
|
|
-- Edward Gorey
|
|
%
|
|
Chaste makes waste.
|
|
%
|
|
Chastity:
|
|
The most unnatural of the sexual perversions.
|
|
-- Aldous Huxley
|
|
%
|
|
CHASTITY BELT:
|
|
An anti-trust suit.
|
|
|
|
(And an unchivalrous knight is the one that files it.)
|
|
%
|
|
Chastity is its own punishment.
|
|
%
|
|
Chicago has journalists' bars, ethnic bars, neighborhood bars, even midget
|
|
bars, hundreds, maybe thousands of bars, on every neighborhood block.
|
|
I was drinking on afternoon in O'Rourke's, a bar on the Near North side.
|
|
It was dark and empty, which suited my mood. A fat, stubble-bearded,
|
|
middle-aged man waddled in, took the stool next to mine, and ordered a
|
|
beer. He was completely unremarkable, except that he was dressed, head
|
|
to toe, in a white-lace wedding gown. After a silence, I said, "Been to
|
|
a wedding?"
|
|
He brushed back his veil, rustled his petticoats and said, "Uh...
|
|
yeah."
|
|
He silently finished his drink and left. The bartender said, "You
|
|
know, even the transvestites in this town have five o'clock shadows."
|
|
%
|
|
Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
|
|
Jack Frost ripping up your nose
|
|
Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire
|
|
And folks dressed up like buffaloes
|
|
Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow
|
|
Helps to make the season right
|
|
Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out
|
|
Will find it hard to see tonight
|
|
They know that Santa's on his way
|
|
He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh
|
|
And every mother's child is sure to spy
|
|
To see if reindeer really scream when they die
|
|
And so I'm offering this simple phrase
|
|
To kids from one to ninety two
|
|
Although it's been said many times, many ways
|
|
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Fuck you!!
|
|
%
|
|
Chorus:
|
|
I don't want to join the army, I don't want to go to war,
|
|
I'd rather sit around, pickin' dillies off the ground,
|
|
And livin' off the favors of an 'igh-born lady.
|
|
I don't want a bullet up me arse 'ole,
|
|
I don't want me pecker blown away,
|
|
I'd rather live in England, in jolly, sunny, England,
|
|
And fornicate me bloody life away!!
|
|
|
|
Monday I touched her on the ankle,
|
|
Tuesday I touched her on the knee,
|
|
And Wednesday after Mass, I lifted up her dress,
|
|
And Thursday I saw you know what,
|
|
Friday I put me 'and upon it,
|
|
Saturday she gave me balls a tweak [tweak, tweak]
|
|
And Sunday after supper, I ran me fucker up 'er,
|
|
And now she pays me forty quid a week!
|
|
Oh, blimey...
|
|
|
|
[chorus]
|
|
%
|
|
CHRIST:
|
|
A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
|
|
%
|
|
Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not
|
|
committing them?
|
|
-- Jules Feiffer
|
|
%
|
|
CHRISTIAN:
|
|
One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired
|
|
book, admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.
|
|
-- Ambrose Bierce
|
|
%
|
|
CHRISTIAN:
|
|
One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far
|
|
as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.
|
|
%
|
|
Christianity and Judaism aren't all that different, really. Growing up in
|
|
a Christian family, the feeling of guilt for Man's sins comes from God.
|
|
In a Jewish family, it comes from your parents.
|
|
%
|
|
CHRISTMAS:
|
|
A day set apart by some as a time for turkey, presents, cranberry
|
|
salads, family get-togethers; for others, noted as having the best
|
|
response time of the entire year.
|
|
%
|
|
CHRISTMAS:
|
|
A time when each of us gets to reflect upon what we each most
|
|
deeply and sincerely believe in. Money. At the mall of our
|
|
choice.
|
|
%
|
|
Christmas comes but once a year,
|
|
A time for love and laughter;
|
|
You can come much more than that,
|
|
But you have to clean up after.
|
|
%
|
|
Cinderella 10:
|
|
A woman who sucks and fucks 'til midnight and
|
|
then turns into a pizza and a six-pack.
|
|
%
|
|
Clark Kent is a transvestite.
|
|
%
|
|
Clarke's Third Law:
|
|
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from
|
|
magic.
|
|
|
|
G's Third Law:
|
|
In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe
|
|
is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit.
|
|
|
|
H's Dictum:
|
|
There is no magic ...
|
|
%
|
|
Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to fuck,
|
|
and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the contrary.
|
|
-- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
|
|
%
|
|
Cleveland still lives. God MUST be dead.
|
|
%
|
|
clitoris, n:
|
|
A haired trigger.
|
|
%
|
|
CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range)
|
|
|
|
Oh, give me a clone
|
|
Of my own flesh and bone
|
|
With the Y chromosome changed to X.
|
|
And when she is grown,
|
|
My very own clone,
|
|
We'll be of the opposite sex.
|
|
Chorus:
|
|
Clone, clone of my own,
|
|
With the Y chromosome changed to X.
|
|
And when we're alone,
|
|
Since her mind is my own,
|
|
She'll be thinking of nothing but sex.
|
|
-- Randall Garrett
|
|
%
|
|
Close the door, let me give you what you've been waiting for!!
|
|
%
|
|
COCAINE:
|
|
The thinking man's Dristan.
|
|
%
|
|
Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money.
|
|
%
|
|
Cocaine isn't habit forming. I should know -- I've been using it for years.
|
|
-- Tallulah Bankhead
|
|
%
|
|
Cocaine: using tomorrow's energy today.
|
|
%
|
|
Cocaine's a joke!
|
|
(Who's got the next line?)
|
|
%
|
|
cock-sucker, n:
|
|
Someone who got caught doing what you got away with.
|
|
%
|
|
Coffee without caffeine. Beer without alcohol. Milk without fat.
|
|
What's next? Bridal suites with bunk beds?
|
|
-- Orben's Current Comedy
|
|
%
|
|
Coito ergo sum
|
|
%
|
|
coitus interruptus, n:
|
|
A jerky movement following the words (by either sex partner)
|
|
"I want to have your child."
|
|
%
|
|
Coitus is punishment for the happiness of being together. Live as
|
|
ascetically as possible... that is the only possible way for me to
|
|
endure marriage. But she?
|
|
-- Franz Kafka
|
|
%
|
|
Coitus upon a cadaver
|
|
Is the ultimate way you can have 'er.
|
|
Her inanimate state
|
|
Means a man needn't wait,
|
|
And eliminates all the palaver.
|
|
%
|
|
COLD:
|
|
When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions.
|
|
%
|
|
cold, adj:
|
|
When your dog sticks to the fire hydrant.
|
|
%
|
|
College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in,
|
|
and nine months later you wish you'd never come.
|
|
%
|
|
Come along and sing a song and join our family.
|
|
B & D
|
|
S & M
|
|
Post to A.S.B.!
|
|
Rope and leather, cuffs and cats, and toys from JTT.
|
|
B & D
|
|
S & M
|
|
Post to A.S.B.!
|
|
A.S.B.!
|
|
(A.S.B.!)
|
|
A.S.B.!
|
|
(A.S.B.!)
|
|
Come on now, let's try another tie!
|
|
(Tie! Tie! Tie!)
|
|
All the kinky folks are here, and some on IRC.
|
|
B & D
|
|
S & M
|
|
Post on A.S.B.!
|
|
-- To the Mickey Mouse March
|
|
%
|
|
Come on, Virginia, don't make me wait!
|
|
Catholic girls start much too late,
|
|
Ah, but sooner or later, it comes down to fate,
|
|
I might as well be the one.
|
|
Well, they showed you a statue, told you to pray,
|
|
Built you a temple and locked you away,
|
|
Ah, but they never told you the price that you paid,
|
|
The things that you might have done.
|
|
So come on, Virginia, show me a sign,
|
|
Send up a signal, I'll throw you a line,
|
|
That stained glass curtain that you're hiding behind,
|
|
Never lets in the sun.
|
|
Darling, only the good die young!
|
|
-- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young"
|
|
%
|
|
Come up and see me sometime. Come Wednesday, that's amateur night.
|
|
-- Mae West
|
|
%
|
|
COMMENT:
|
|
A superfluous element of a source program included so the
|
|
programmer can remember what the hell it was he was doing
|
|
six months later. Only the weak-minded need them, according
|
|
to those who think they aren't.
|
|
%
|
|
Communists do it without class.
|
|
%
|
|
Computer scientists are programmed to do it by macro insertion.
|
|
%
|
|
computerfirm nymphomaniac, n:
|
|
Hot Apple pie.
|
|
%
|
|
Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears.
|
|
|
|
[Taking a shower in raincoat? Ed.]
|
|
%
|
|
Condoms are the feminists' revenge on men for diaphragms.
|
|
-- Robin Williams
|
|
%
|
|
Confucius say:
|
|
man who lay girl on hill, not on level.
|
|
man who pull out too fast leave rubber.
|
|
man who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.
|
|
modern house without toilet uncanny.
|
|
man with athletic finger make broad jump
|
|
woman should not marry basketball players -- they dribble before
|
|
they shoot.
|
|
man who sleep in road wake up with run-down feeling.
|
|
woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, may get tit bit.
|
|
child conceived in back seat of car with automatic transmission
|
|
turn out to be shiftless bastard.
|
|
a smart man knows on which side his broad is better.
|
|
man who arrives late to party will find himself beaten to the punch!
|
|
%
|
|
Confucius say:
|
|
man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead.
|
|
man who fishes in other man's well often catch crabs.
|
|
man and mouse the same, both end up in pussy.
|
|
boy who play with himself pulls boner.
|
|
woman who cooks carrots and pees in same pot very unsanitary.
|
|
man who marry girl with no bust has right to feel low down.
|
|
man who sleeps with old hen finds it's better than pullet.
|
|
man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
|
|
man who lie under car, get tired -- man who stand behind car,
|
|
get exhausted.
|
|
%
|
|
Confucius say:
|
|
woman who put man in dog house find him in cat house.
|
|
woman who spring on inner-spring this spring, have off-spring
|
|
next spring.
|
|
man who kiss girl's behind, get crack in face.
|
|
passionate kiss like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.
|
|
man who kicked in testicles get left holding bag.
|
|
man who suck nipples make clean breast of things.
|
|
woman who slide down bannister make monkey shine.
|
|
woman's virginity like balloon, one prick and all gone.
|
|
Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best.
|
|
squirrel who run up woman's leg not find nuts.
|
|
epileptic woman who give blow-job may bite big one.
|
|
seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak.
|
|
%
|
|
Confucius say:
|
|
woman who ride bicycle peddle ass around town.
|
|
fool man climb tree to get cherries; wise man spread limbs.
|
|
woman who fly upside down in airplane have big crack up.
|
|
man who live in glass house should bathe in the basement.
|
|
man who make love on ground have piece on Earth.
|
|
man who lose key to girlfriend's apartment get no new key.
|
|
man who fights with wife all day, gets not peace at night.
|
|
man who make oral love to epileptic woman may get tongue-tied.
|
|
man with head up ass have shitty outlook on life.
|
|
man who streak unsuited for work.
|
|
woman who bathe in vinegar have sour puss.
|
|
man who beat off in car have hot rod.
|
|
%
|
|
CONFUSION:
|
|
One woman plus one left turn.
|
|
EXCITEMENT:
|
|
Two women plus one secret.
|
|
BEDLAM:
|
|
Three women plus one bargain.
|
|
CHAOS:
|
|
Four women plus one luncheon check.
|
|
%
|
|
confusion, n:
|
|
Father's Day in San Francisco.
|
|
%
|
|
CONSULTANT:
|
|
Someone who knows 101 ways to make love, but can't get a date.
|
|
%
|
|
continental breakfast, n:
|
|
A roll in bed with some honey.
|
|
%
|
|
Coors, n:
|
|
Like making love in a canoe -- fucking close to water.
|
|
%
|
|
Copa-ulation:
|
|
(to the tune of Copacabana)
|
|
|
|
Her name was Lola, she was a bimbo, with yellow streamers in her hair,
|
|
She wore see-through underwear, she'd go to discos, and do the go-go,
|
|
And while she tried to be star, Tony jacked off on the bar,
|
|
And when the dance was done, his hand was full of come,
|
|
His favorite drink is cream in coffee,
|
|
Won't you order one?
|
|
|
|
At the Copa, Copa-ulation ...
|
|
|
|
Her name was Lola, she was a show-girl,
|
|
But that was thirty years ago, when she still could slurp and blow,
|
|
Now she's a sado, but not for Tony, still in her chains and leather gown,
|
|
She ties Rico to the ground, and fucks that boy half-blind,
|
|
But Rico, he don't mind, there are whips and a lot of beatings,
|
|
But a real good time ...
|
|
%
|
|
Couples in motion have moments.
|
|
%
|
|
courage, n:
|
|
Two cannibals having oral sex.
|
|
%
|
|
Cover your stump before you hump.
|
|
Before you attack her, wrap your wacker.
|
|
Don't be silly... protect your Willie.
|
|
Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.
|
|
If you're not going to sack it, go home and wack it.
|
|
-- National Condom Week
|
|
%
|
|
Cox's philosophy:
|
|
Life's a bitch, then you die.
|
|
%
|
|
coyote love, n:
|
|
Coyote love is a nebulous term. Basically, what it involves is
|
|
the taking of a member of the preferred sex home from a singles
|
|
bar. Then, when you wake up the next morning, they're sleeping
|
|
on your arm. So, rather than wake them up as you escape, you
|
|
chew off your arm at the shoulder.
|
|
|
|
coyote ugly, adj:
|
|
When you chew off the other arm 'cause she'll be looking for
|
|
a one-armed man!
|
|
|
|
See also proof that average instantaneous beauty increases monotonically
|
|
as alcohol consumption increases and time, t, approaches last call.
|
|
%
|
|
"Creation science" has not entered the curriculum for a reason so simple
|
|
and so basic that we often forget to mention it: because it is false, and
|
|
because good teachers understand exactly why it is false. What could be
|
|
more destructive of that most fragile yet most precious commodity in our
|
|
entire intellectual heritage -- good teaching -- than a bill forcing
|
|
honorable teachers to sully their sacred trust by granting equal treatment
|
|
to a doctrine not only known to be false, but calculated to undermine any
|
|
general understanding of science as an enterprise?
|
|
-- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Skeptical Inquirer"
|
|
%
|
|
crew, n:
|
|
Eight big men and their cute little cox.
|
|
%
|
|
Cried Miss Pratt : "What are you staring at?
|
|
I know - you don't have to say that!
|
|
All you guys want of me
|
|
Is a poke where I pee,
|
|
And it's pounding my ass mighty flat!"
|
|
%
|
|
Crinklaw's Observation:
|
|
Nowadays the order of life is reversed: Sex is first enjoyed,
|
|
marriage follows, and after marriage comes abstinence.
|
|
%
|
|
Cum Hilde autem ambulabat
|
|
Homo qui aedificabat.
|
|
Dixit volebat. Debet et potebat.
|
|
Sic ille ducebat. Statim faciebat.
|
|
Sed virginem pine necebat.
|
|
%
|
|
Cunnilingus is next to cleanliness.
|
|
%
|
|
Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought her back.
|
|
%
|
|
"Dad," the 13-year-old boy asked, looking up from his social-studies text,
|
|
"what did you do during the sexual revolution?"
|
|
"Well, son," his father confided, "I guess you could say I was
|
|
captured early and spent the duration doing the dishes."
|
|
%
|
|
Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer true,
|
|
Daisy, Daisy, wouldn't you like to screw?
|
|
I really must beg your pardon,
|
|
But I've got a hell of a hard-on,
|
|
From beating my meat, against the seat,
|
|
Of a bicycle built for two.
|
|
-- "Daisy, Daisy", "The Dirty Song Book"
|
|
%
|
|
Dallas still lives. God MUST be dead.
|
|
%
|
|
Dame Catherine of Ashton-on-Lynches
|
|
Got on with her grooms and her wenches:
|
|
She went down on the gents,
|
|
And pronged the girl's vents
|
|
With a clitoris reaching six inches.
|
|
%
|
|
Dames lie about anything -- just for practice.
|
|
-- Raymond Chandler
|
|
%
|
|
Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you?
|
|
FIRST you rape, THEN you pillage!!
|
|
%
|
|
Damned if I know. And you can be fuckin' sure I'll never rent no car
|
|
from Avis again.
|
|
-- Herbie Sperling, on the meaning of two pistols and an
|
|
axe used in three murders being found in the trunk of his
|
|
rented car.
|
|
|
|
If you guys have a beef with her, that's her problem. Don't lay it on
|
|
me. The old lady has to take care of her own weight.
|
|
-- Herbie Sperling, convicted heroin dealer, on being
|
|
arrested for narcotics possession at his mother's house.
|
|
|
|
At his sentencing, Herbie Sperling proved that he was the all-time
|
|
stand-up guy.
|
|
Sperling's lawyer made a lengthy, impassioned plea for his client.
|
|
He talked of mercy, justice, humanity to fellow men who have chosen the wrong
|
|
path. Yes, the crimes were serious, yes, Mr. Sperling deserves a prison
|
|
sentence, but the maximum sentence was not warranted.
|
|
Then the judge turned to Sperling. "Mr. Sperling, is there anything
|
|
you wish to say?"
|
|
"Yes, Your Honor. If you think I'm going to beg for mercy, you've
|
|
got another think coming. You're all a bunch of fucking fascist cocksuckers,
|
|
you can all go to hell, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you..."
|
|
-- Gregory Wallace, "Papa's Game"
|
|
%
|
|
Dance is the vertical expression of a horizontal intention.
|
|
%
|
|
date; talk; touch; unzip; finger; expand; strip; head; mount; yes; yes; yes;
|
|
eject; more; sleep
|
|
%
|
|
Dave has an aeroplane,
|
|
In which he likes to frisk.
|
|
Oh what a foolish boy,
|
|
His silly *.
|
|
%
|
|
David was just a shepherd who liked to get his rocks off in leather.
|
|
%
|
|
De Hispanice puella verumque
|
|
Simplex oris verborumque
|
|
Tulit potens vagina
|
|
Hominum agmina
|
|
Iterum iterum iterumque.
|
|
%
|
|
Dear Abby:
|
|
I have two brothers. One was sent to the electric chair when I was
|
|
a child. My mother died in an insane asylum. My father is a pimp and my
|
|
sister is a very successful and highly paid prostitute. My other brother
|
|
is a graduate student attending Purdue University.
|
|
Recently I met a wonderful girl who has just been released from prison
|
|
for murdering her illegitimate child with a Zip-loc sandwich bag. We're very
|
|
much in love and want to be married after her venereal disease is cured.
|
|
My problem is this: should I tell her about my brother at Purdue?
|
|
|
|
Sincerely,
|
|
Undecided.
|
|
%
|
|
Dear Abby:
|
|
I just met the most terrific girl and we get along fabulously. I
|
|
think she's the one for me. There's just one problem: I can't remember
|
|
from our first date if she told me she had TB or VD. What should I do?
|
|
--Confused
|
|
|
|
Dear Confused:
|
|
If she coughs, fuck her.
|
|
%
|
|
Dear Ann Landers:
|
|
I have a problem. I have two brothers; one works for the Illinois
|
|
Bell Telephone Company, the other brother was just sentenced to death
|
|
in the electric chair for murder. My mother died from insanity when
|
|
I was three years old. My two sisters are prostitutes and my father
|
|
sells narcotics.
|
|
I recently met girl who was just released from a reformatory where
|
|
she served time for smothering her illegitimate child to death. I love
|
|
this girl and want to marry her. My problem is this -- dare I tell her
|
|
about my brother who works for Illinois Bell?
|
|
-- Confused.
|
|
%
|
|
Dear Ann Landers:
|
|
My husband watches the TV preachers every Sunday. He claims
|
|
one minister said there are 350 different sins. My husband wants to
|
|
know if you can get the list. He thinks he is missing something.
|
|
-- E.J. Mayfield
|
|
%
|
|
Dear Lord, observe this bended knee
|
|
This visage meek and humble,
|
|
And hear this confidential plea
|
|
Voiced in reverent mumble:
|
|
Give me Shylock, give me Fagin
|
|
But O God spare me Ronald Reagan!
|
|
-- Ansel Adams
|
|
%
|
|
Dear Miss Manners:
|
|
Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from your face.
|
|
|
|
Gentle Reader:
|
|
Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on your face.
|
|
If the gentleman sprayed you inadvertently to accompany enthusiastic
|
|
discourse, you may step back two paces, bring out your handkerchief,
|
|
and go through the motions of wiping your nose, while trailing the cloth
|
|
along your face to pick up whatever needs mopping along the route. If,
|
|
however, the substance was acquired as a result of enthusiasm of a more
|
|
intimate nature, you may delicately retrieve it with a flick of your
|
|
pink tongue.
|
|
%
|
|
Demonstrating once again the importance of the lowly comma, this
|
|
telegram was sent from a wife to her husband:
|
|
"NOT GETTING ANY, BETTER COME HOME AT ONCE."
|
|
%
|
|
Desperate because her husband hadn't made love to her in months, a lonely
|
|
housewife finally mustered her courage and went to their doctor for advice.
|
|
The doctor was very sympathetic and wrote out a prescription for pills that
|
|
were guaranteed to rekindle the husband's ardor in a big way. "They'll make
|
|
him horny as hell," the doctor confided, "but they're very potent, so just
|
|
put one in whatever he's drinking."
|
|
Upon arriving home, the woman left the pills on the kitchen counter
|
|
and dashed off to the supermarket. It didn't take long before the cat jumped
|
|
up, knocked them over onto the floor, and ate a couple, as did the family
|
|
dog. And when the husband got home with a headache, he took a few thinking
|
|
they were aspirin.
|
|
When the housewife returned, she was horrified to see the dog humping
|
|
the cat and the cat jumping all over the dog, but even stranger was the sight
|
|
of her husband with his penis inside the pencil sharpener on the counter.
|
|
"What in heaven's name are you doing, John?" she cried.
|
|
"See that mosquito?" he replied.
|
|
%
|
|
Dial 911. Make a cop come.
|
|
%
|
|
diaphragm, n:
|
|
A childproof cap.
|
|
%
|
|
dicker, v:
|
|
What you do to your wife if arguing doesn't work.
|
|
%
|
|
Did Detroit invent the back seat to destroy the morals of America?
|
|
-- Ed Sanders
|
|
%
|
|
Did you hear about...
|
|
the butcher who dropped his cleaver and went home half-cocked?
|
|
%
|
|
Did you hear about...
|
|
the plastic surgeon who hung himself?
|
|
%
|
|
Did you hear about the 10 year old boy who asked his recently divorced mother
|
|
her age? She told him that was not a question to ask and that he shouldn't
|
|
ask it again. He then asked her her weight. She, once again, told him that
|
|
she wouldn't answer the question and that he shouldn't ask it again. The next
|
|
question he asked was why she and Daddy got divorced. Once again, she told
|
|
him that it was not a question he should ask and to not ask that question
|
|
again.
|
|
Some time later, she found him looking through her purse. Sharply
|
|
asking him what he was doing resulted in him beamingly telling her that he
|
|
had found the answers to all of his questions!
|
|
"Mom", he said, "your driver's license says you're 34 years old, weigh
|
|
125 pounds, and you and Daddy probably divorced 'cause you got an 'F' in sex!"
|
|
%
|
|
Did you hear about the nearsighted fetishist who got off on the wrong foot?
|
|
%
|
|
Did you hear about the new sorority girl doll?
|
|
You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand.
|
|
%
|
|
Did you hear about young Henry Lockett?
|
|
He was blown down the street by a rocket.
|
|
The force of the blast
|
|
Blew his balls up his ass,
|
|
And his pecker was found in his pocket.
|
|
%
|
|
Did you hear they canceled Easter this year?
|
|
Found the body.
|
|
%
|
|
Did you know that some people your age have sex
|
|
thirty-seven times in a week? And die immediately after?
|
|
%
|
|
Did you know that Spiro Agnew is an anagram of "Grow a Penis"?
|
|
%
|
|
Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?
|
|
%
|
|
Dig it, first they killed those pigs, then they ate dinner in the same
|
|
room with them, then they even shoved a fork in a victim's stomach. Wild!
|
|
-- Bernadine Dohrn, on the Manson killings
|
|
%
|
|
Disclaimer of the Week:
|
|
Any Society Which Requires Disclaimers Has Too Many Goddamn Lawyers.
|
|
%
|
|
Disillusioned words like bullets bark,
|
|
As human gods aim for their mark,
|
|
Make everything from toy guns that spark
|
|
To flesh-colored christs that glow in the dark.
|
|
It's easy to see without looking too far
|
|
That not much is really sacred.
|
|
%
|
|
Distributed Systems people do it loosely coupled.
|
|
%
|
|
DIVE!!! DIVE!!! DIVE!!!
|
|
UP PERISCOPE!!!
|
|
|
|
(Ooops, sorry, wrong fantasy.)
|
|
%
|
|
divorce, n:
|
|
A change of wife.
|
|
%
|
|
Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
|
|
%
|
|
Do married women make the best wives?
|
|
%
|
|
Do not permit a woman to ask forgiveness, for that is only the first
|
|
step. The second is justification of herself by accusation of you.
|
|
-- DeGourmont
|
|
%
|
|
Do not rejoice in his defeat, you men,
|
|
For though the world stood up
|
|
And stopped the bastard,
|
|
The bitch that bore him is in heat again.
|
|
-- Bertolt Brecht
|
|
%
|
|
Do something big -- fuck a giant.
|
|
%
|
|
"Do you cheat on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist.
|
|
"Who else?" answered the patient.
|
|
%
|
|
Do you smoke after sex?
|
|
Why, do you know, I've never looked!
|
|
%
|
|
Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning.
|
|
%
|
|
Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very,
|
|
very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
|
|
-- Dick Brandon
|
|
%
|
|
Does he treat your breasts like unripe grapefruit? Who needs him?
|
|
-- `J', "The Sensuous Woman"
|
|
%
|
|
Does it rape elephants?
|
|
-- Brent Byer
|
|
%
|
|
Doing business with the government is like fucking sheep.
|
|
It's easy, but it's not very satisfying.
|
|
%
|
|
Don't accept rides from strange men -- and remember that all men
|
|
are strange as hell.
|
|
-- Robin Morgan, "Sisterhood Is Powerful"
|
|
%
|
|
Don't dip your wick in a WAC,
|
|
Don't ride the breast of a WAVE,
|
|
Just sit in the sand
|
|
And do it by hand,
|
|
And buy bonds with the money you save.
|
|
%
|
|
Don't forget to support the ERA apersonment.
|
|
%
|
|
Don't get the idea that I'm one of those goddamn radicals. Don't get the
|
|
idea that I'm knocking the American system.
|
|
-- Al Capone
|
|
%
|
|
Don't knock masturbation -- it's sex with someone I love.
|
|
-- Woody Allen
|
|
%
|
|
Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash.
|
|
-- Bo Diddley
|
|
%
|
|
Don't look now -- your office mate is a pederast!!!
|
|
%
|
|
Don't look now, but your mother is having sex with a horse.
|
|
%
|
|
Dope will get you through times of no money
|
|
better than money will get you through times of no dope!
|
|
-- Freewheelin' Franklin, "The Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers"
|
|
%
|
|
Down by the old model T,
|
|
Where she first showed it to me.
|
|
It was furry and black,
|
|
And she called it a crack,
|
|
But it looked like a manhole to me.
|
|
%
|
|
Draft beer, not boys!
|
|
%
|
|
Dry fucking: that's man on top of woman, the action is the same as fucking,
|
|
but you're dressed. It's great for the girl... you're hitting and rubbing
|
|
exactly the area that you ought to be... I still like that.
|
|
-- Grace Slick
|
|
%
|
|
Due to a mixup in urology, orange juice will not be served this morning.
|
|
%
|
|
Dull women have immaculate homes.
|
|
%
|
|
DuPont, I.G., Monsanto, and Shell
|
|
Built a world-circling pussy cartel,
|
|
And by planned obsolescence,
|
|
So controlled detumescence,
|
|
A poor man could not get a smell.
|
|
%
|
|
During the darkest days of World War II, when each night brought waves of
|
|
Luftwaffe bombers raining death and destruction on a near-defenseless London,
|
|
Prime Minister Churchill went on the air to address the British people. "I
|
|
read this morning's paper that Herr Hitler plans to wring England's neck like
|
|
that of a chicken," he began, "and I was reminded of what the Irish poacher
|
|
said as he stood on the gallows. It seems the poor fellow was approached by a
|
|
well-meaning if somewhat overzealous priest who, in horrific detail, described
|
|
the unfading torments of Hades which awaited him if he did not repent of his
|
|
misdeeds. The condemned man listened patiently to all that the priest had to
|
|
say, and when he was done, grinned broadly and replied, 'Eat it raw, fuzz
|
|
nuts.'"
|
|
-- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
|
|
%
|
|
dyke, n:
|
|
A woman who kick-starts her vibrator. And rolls her own
|
|
tampons.
|
|
%
|
|
Dyslexia means never having to say that you're ysror.
|
|
%
|
|
Dyslexics have more fnu.
|
|
%
|
|
DYSLEXICS OF THE WORLD, UNTIE!
|
|
%
|
|
Early to bed and early to rise makes a man a helluva big nuisance.
|
|
%
|
|
Eat prune yogurt for that "get up and go" feeling.
|
|
%
|
|
Eat shit and die a virgin!
|
|
%
|
|
Economists are still trying to figure out why the
|
|
girls with the least principle draw the most interest.
|
|
%
|
|
EE's do it without shorts.
|
|
%
|
|
Eighteen goddess-like daughters are not equal to one son with a hump.
|
|
-- Chinese Proverb
|
|
%
|
|
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
|
|
-- Jackie Mason
|
|
%
|
|
Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man:
|
|
1) Cucumbers can stay up all night,
|
|
and you won't have to sleep in the wet spot.
|
|
2) Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves.
|
|
3) You won't find out later that your cucumber
|
|
...is married
|
|
...is on penicillin
|
|
...likes you -- but loves your brother!
|
|
4) A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
|
|
5) A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet.
|
|
6) Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy".
|
|
7) Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.
|
|
8) A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
|
|
9) Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow.
|
|
10) Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.
|
|
11) With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.
|
|
%
|
|
embarrassment, n:
|
|
Finding out your German Shepherd has the clap.
|
|
%
|
|
Equality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistant
|
|
professor; equality is when a female schlemiel moves ahead as fast
|
|
as a male schlemiel.
|
|
-- Ewald Nyquist
|
|
%
|
|
Erogenous zone, n:
|
|
The skin you touch to love.
|
|
%
|
|
Es giebt ein Arbeiter von Tinz,
|
|
Er schlaft mit ein Madel von Linz.
|
|
Sie sagt, "Halt sein' plummen,
|
|
Ich hore Mann kommen."
|
|
"Jacht, jacht," sagt der Plummer, "Ich binz."
|
|
%
|
|
eternity, n:
|
|
The length of time between when you come and he leaves.
|
|
%
|
|
Ethnologists up with the Sioux
|
|
Wired home for two punts, one canoe.
|
|
The answer next day,
|
|
Said, "Girls on the way,
|
|
But what the hell's a `panoe'?"
|
|
%
|
|
Evangelists do it with Him watching.
|
|
%
|
|
Even bytes get lonely for a little bit.
|
|
%
|
|
Evening hours "all clear" for romance!
|
|
(Tell mate you have to work late.)
|
|
%
|
|
Ever notice that the women who are against abortion are the ones you
|
|
wouldn't want to fuck in the first place?
|
|
-- George Carlin
|
|
%
|
|
Ever wondered why you always run out of breath when you throw up?
|
|
Ah, but a man's retch should exceed his gasp, else what's a heaving for?
|
|
%
|
|
Every harlot was a virgin once.
|
|
-- William Blake
|
|
%
|
|
Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start
|
|
closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then drive
|
|
like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the music at top volume
|
|
and at least a pint of ether.
|
|
-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
|
|
%
|
|
Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten.
|
|
|
|
Please, think of the kittens.
|
|
%
|
|
Everyone: "Australia, Australia, Australia, Australia, we love you,
|
|
Amen!"
|
|
Bruce: "Another two! (Bottles opening.) Any questions?"
|
|
Bruce: "New-Bruce, are you a Poofter?"
|
|
Bruce: "Are you a Poofter?"
|
|
New-Bruce: "No!"
|
|
Bruce: "No. Right, I just want to remind you of the faculty rules:
|
|
Rule One!"
|
|
Everyone: "NO POOFTERS!"
|
|
Bruce: "Rule Two, no member of the faculty is to maltreat the Abbos
|
|
in any way at all -- if there's anybody watching. Rule Three?"
|
|
Everyone: "NO POOFTERS!"
|
|
Bruce: "Rule Four, now this term, I don't want to catch anybody not
|
|
drinking. Rule Five..."
|
|
Everyone: "NO POOFTERS!"
|
|
Bruce: "Rule Six, there is NO... Rule Six. Rule Seven..."
|
|
Everyone: "NO POOFTERS!"
|
|
Bruce: "Right, that concludes the readin' of the rules, Bruce. This
|
|
here's the wattle, the emblem of our land. You can stick it in a
|
|
bottle, you can hold it in your hand. Amen!
|
|
-- Monty Python
|
|
%
|
|
Everyone has the right, without exception, to equal pay for equal work.
|
|
Except for women.
|
|
%
|
|
Everyone in the office is welcome to join the group going to the Columbus
|
|
Theater tonight. Meet in the lobby at 8:30. The films are "Blue Jennifer"
|
|
and "Hot Coed Cheerleaders".
|
|
%
|
|
Everyone *knows* cats are on a higher level of existence. These silly humans
|
|
are just to big-headed to admit their inferiority.
|
|
Just think what a nicer world this would be if it were controlled by
|
|
cats.
|
|
You wouldn't see cats having waste disposal problems.
|
|
They're neat.
|
|
They don't have sexual hangups. A cat gets horny, it does something
|
|
about it.
|
|
They keep reasonable hours. You *never* see a cat up before noon.
|
|
They know how to relax. Ever heard of a cat with an ulcer?
|
|
What are the chances of a cat starting a nuclear war? Pretty neglible.
|
|
It's not that they can't, they just know that there are much better things to
|
|
do with ones time. Like lie in the sun and sleep. Or go exploring the world.
|
|
%
|
|
Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex.
|
|
-- Ellyn Mustard
|
|
%
|
|
exotic dancer, n:
|
|
A girl who brings home the bacon a strip at a time.
|
|
%
|
|
Exuberant Sue from Anjou
|
|
Found that fucking affected her hue.
|
|
She presented to sight
|
|
Nipples pink, bottom white;
|
|
But her asshole was purple and blue.
|
|
%
|
|
falsie salesman, n:
|
|
Fuller bust man.
|
|
%
|
|
Famous last words:
|
|
1: Everything that you'll need to know is in the manual.
|
|
2: You and what army?
|
|
3: Don't worry, I can handle it.
|
|
4: If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't
|
|
be a cop.
|
|
5: I don't see how they make a profit
|
|
out of this stuff at a dollar and a quarter a fifth.
|
|
6: We're just getting into semantics again.
|
|
7: Everything's under control.
|
|
8: He's an asshole! Don't try to "shush" me!
|
|
%
|
|
Fat dirty farts came spluttering out of your backside. You had an arse full
|
|
of farts that night, darling, and I fucked them out of you, big fat fellows,
|
|
long windy ones, quick little merry cracks...
|
|
-- James Joyce
|
|
%
|
|
Fed some caviar to my girlfriend
|
|
She was a virgin tried and true
|
|
Now my girlfriend needs no urgin'
|
|
There ain't nothin' she won't do!
|
|
Caviar comes from a Virgin Sturgeon -
|
|
Virgin Sturgeon's a very fine fish.
|
|
Virgin Sturgeon needs no urgin'
|
|
That's why caviar is my dish!
|
|
|
|
Fed some caviar to my Grandpa
|
|
He was a man of ninety-three
|
|
Shrieks and screams were heard from Grandma
|
|
He had chased her up a tree!
|
|
(chorus)
|
|
%
|
|
felt tip, v:
|
|
Past tense for a breast examination!
|
|
%
|
|
Female ballet dancers are the bravest girls around. Who else would take a
|
|
flying leap into the arms of a homosexual and expect to be caught?
|
|
-- Rita Rudner
|
|
%
|
|
female, n:
|
|
Life support system for a pussy.
|
|
%
|
|
Feminism, n:
|
|
A political position which seeks to rebuild society so that
|
|
both men and women are treated as women wish to be treated.
|
|
%
|
|
Feminists just want the human race to be a tie.
|
|
%
|
|
Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of
|
|
women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their
|
|
handbags are full.
|
|
-- Earl Wilson
|
|
%
|
|
Fie for shame,
|
|
you lascivious, lewd, lecherous,
|
|
libidinous, lustful, licentious, dirty bum!!
|
|
%
|
|
Fig Newton.
|
|
%
|
|
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
|
|
%
|
|
Filth and old age, I'm sure you will agree,
|
|
Are powerful wardens upon chastity.
|
|
-- Geoffrey Chaucer
|
|
%
|
|
Finally, a reporter got a chance to interview Tarzan.
|
|
|
|
Reporter: Tarzan? Is that your first or last name?
|
|
Tarzan: Tarzan first name.
|
|
Reporter: Then, what's your whole name?
|
|
Tarzan: Tarzan of the Apes.
|
|
Reporter: And who is the woman with you?
|
|
Tarzan: That Jane.
|
|
Reporter: And what's Jane's whole name?
|
|
Tarzan: Cunt.
|
|
%
|
|
First you get down on your knees, Get in line in that processional,
|
|
Fiddle with your rosaries, Step into that small confessional,
|
|
Bow your head with great respect, There the guy who's got religion'll
|
|
And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect! Tell you if your sins' original.
|
|
Do whatever steps you want if If it is, try playin' it safer,
|
|
You have cleared them with the Pontiff, Drink the wine and chew the wafer,
|
|
Ev'rybody say his own Two, four, six eight,
|
|
Kyrie eleison, Time to transubstantiate!
|
|
Doin' the Vatican Rag.
|
|
|
|
So get down upon your knees, Make a cross on your abdomen,
|
|
Fiddle with your rosaries, When in Rome do like a Roman,
|
|
Bow your head with great respect, Ave Maria,
|
|
And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect! Gee, it's good to see ya,
|
|
Gettin' ecstatic an' sorta dramatic an' Doin' the Vatican Rag!
|
|
-- Tom Lehrer, "The Vatican Rag"
|
|
%
|
|
Five-foot nine, eyes that shine
|
|
He was born in Palestine
|
|
Has anybody seen my Lord?
|
|
|
|
He's so cool, he's so fine
|
|
Eat his bread and drink his wine
|
|
Has anybody seen my Lord?
|
|
|
|
He's so neat, he's so cool,
|
|
Walks across my swimming pool.
|
|
Has anybody...
|
|
%
|
|
Flappity, floppity, flip
|
|
The mouse on the Mobius strip;
|
|
The strip revolved,
|
|
The mouse dissolved
|
|
In a chronodimensional skip.
|
|
%
|
|
Flirt, n:
|
|
A girl whose favorite man is the next one.
|
|
%
|
|
Floating idly one day through the air,
|
|
A circus performer named Blair,
|
|
Tied a sizeable rock,
|
|
To the end of his cock,
|
|
And shattered a balcony chair.
|
|
%
|
|
Floppy now, hard later.
|
|
%
|
|
Folks, what can I tell you about my next guest. This cat allowed himself
|
|
to be adored, but not loved. And his success in show business was matched
|
|
by failure in his personal relationship bag, now that's where he really
|
|
bombed. And he came to believe that work, show business, love, his whole
|
|
life, even himself and all that jazz was bullshit. He became numero uno
|
|
gameplayer. Uh, to the point where he didn't know where the games ended
|
|
and the reality began. Like to this cat, the only reality... is death, man.
|
|
Ladies and gentlemen, let me lay on you, a so-so entertainer, not much of
|
|
a humanitarian, and this cat was never nobody's friend. In his final
|
|
appearance on the great stage of life, uh, you can applaud if you want to,
|
|
Mr. Joe Gideon!!
|
|
-- All That Jazz
|
|
%
|
|
Fond of equestrians, Mabel
|
|
Looked for true love in the stable.
|
|
But she found the studs,
|
|
For her were all duds,
|
|
Now she's out with the leg of a table.
|
|
%
|
|
For a good time, call 632-9485. Ask for Michael.
|
|
%
|
|
For a house-to-house salesman named Moore,
|
|
Getting housewives' attention's no chore:
|
|
He's endowed with a dong
|
|
That is 12 inches long,
|
|
So he wedges his foot in the door.
|
|
%
|
|
For a young man, not yet: for an old man, never at all.
|
|
-- Diogenes, asked when a man should marry
|
|
|
|
When should a man marry? A young man, not yet; an elder man, not at all.
|
|
-- Sir Francis Bacon, "Of Marriage and Single Life"
|
|
%
|
|
For children, a woman.
|
|
For pleasure, a boy.
|
|
For sheer ecstasy, a melon.
|
|
%
|
|
For her first week's salary the gorgeous new secretary was given an
|
|
exquisite nightgown of imported lace. The next week her salary was
|
|
raised!
|
|
%
|
|
For months the loving newlywed had asked his blushing bride to perform oral
|
|
sex on him, but to no avail. His sweet entreaties never worked, for she was
|
|
simply too innocent and inexperienced to even *think* of such a thing, let
|
|
alone attempt it. But a year of gentle persistence finally paid off, and
|
|
one night his darling nervously but lovingly performed the act. When it was
|
|
over, she looked deeply into his eyes, blushed, and asked, "How was I,
|
|
sweetheart?"
|
|
He looked at her and replied, "How should I know -- I'm no
|
|
cocksucker!"
|
|
%
|
|
For the sores on his prick he used Dial.
|
|
That failed; he gave Lava a trial.
|
|
But the one remedy
|
|
For contagious V.D.
|
|
Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial.
|
|
%
|
|
For the sores on his prick he used Dial.
|
|
That failed; he gave Lava a trial.
|
|
But the one remedy
|
|
For contagious V.D.
|
|
Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial.
|
|
%
|
|
"For the tenth time, dull Daphnis," said Chloe,
|
|
"You have told me my bosom is snowy;
|
|
You have made much fine verse on
|
|
Each part of my person,
|
|
Now do something -- there's a good boy!"
|
|
%
|
|
fornication, n:
|
|
Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with.
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #15
|
|
|
|
Sex:
|
|
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of
|
|
foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
|
|
|
|
Maturity:
|
|
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can
|
|
function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards
|
|
and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school
|
|
romances rarely work out.
|
|
|
|
Handwriting:
|
|
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
|
|
chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their
|
|
"i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their
|
|
"p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even
|
|
when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #18
|
|
|
|
Sexual frequency:
|
|
The average man would prefer having sex every evening, or every
|
|
morning, or maybe both if he's under 25. The average woman would like to
|
|
have sex non-stop all weekend, once a month.
|
|
|
|
Shopping:
|
|
It's no coincidence that L.L. Bean, Sears, and Roebuck were all men.
|
|
Men don't like to shop. If a man can't foist the job off on some woman, he
|
|
will grit his teeth and plan the outing as he would a jungle expedition.
|
|
He wants a map of the store showing where he has to go to get item X in
|
|
color Y in the correct size, which he doesn't know. Even then it takes him
|
|
half an hour to get there from the entrance. When he's finally accomplished
|
|
his mission, he'll discover that he forgot his checkbook. Women shop to
|
|
relax.
|
|
%
|
|
Fortune Personals:
|
|
SWBiM, 29. Gr/Fr/Mild English. Have
|
|
own moose, hoop. Sincere inquiries
|
|
only. Discreet. Fortune P.O. Box 1910.
|
|
%
|
|
Fortune presents:
|
|
USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #3.
|
|
|
|
Kie estas la plej proksima masa^gejo? Where's the nearest massage parlor?
|
|
Vi dolorigas min. You're hurting me.
|
|
Mi deziras viziti usonan kuraciston. I want to see an American doctor.
|
|
Mi deziras a^ceti kontraugraveda^jojn. I would like to buy some
|
|
contraceptives.
|
|
^Cu tiu estis ankau bona por ci? Was it good for you too?
|
|
%
|
|
Fortune presents:
|
|
USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #4.
|
|
Mia ^svebo^sipo estas plena je angiloj. My hovercraft is full of eels.
|
|
Neniu anticipas la hispanan No one expects the Spanish
|
|
Inkvizicion. Inquisition.
|
|
La solvo estas kvardekdu. The answer is forty-two.
|
|
Adiau, kaj dankoj por ^ciom da fi^so. So long, and thanks for all the fish.
|
|
^Cu estas krajono en via po^so, au ^cu Is that a pencil in your pocket,
|
|
vi feli^cas pri vidi min? or are you happy to see me?
|
|
%
|
|
Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands!
|
|
|
|
Try:
|
|
[Where is Jimmy Hoffa? (C shell)
|
|
^How did the^sex change operation go? (C shell)
|
|
"How would you rate BSD vs. System V?
|
|
%blow (C shell)
|
|
'thou shalt not mow thy grass at 8am' (C shell)
|
|
got a light? (C shell)
|
|
!!:Say, what do you think of margarine? (C shell)
|
|
PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense (Bourne shell)
|
|
make love
|
|
make "the perfect dry martini"
|
|
man -kisses dog (anything up to 4.3BSD)
|
|
i=Hoffa ; >$i; $i; rm $i; rm $i (Bourne shell)
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #3
|
|
|
|
You have prepared a proposal for your supervisor. The success of this
|
|
proposal will mean increasing your salary 20%. In the middle of your
|
|
proposal your supervisor leans over to look at your report and spits into
|
|
your coffee. You:
|
|
|
|
(a) Tell him you take your coffee black.
|
|
(b) Ask him if he has any communicable diseases.
|
|
(c) Show him who's in command; promptly take a piss in his
|
|
"In" basket.
|
|
(d) Take a sip and comment how much better it tastes.
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #5
|
|
|
|
You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January and
|
|
tell your boss that nobody but ladies of the evening and football players
|
|
live there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You:
|
|
|
|
(a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't
|
|
remember your name.
|
|
(b) Ask what position she played.
|
|
(c) Ask if she is still working the streets.
|
|
(d) Pull lacy underwear from your raincoat pocket and ask
|
|
if he recognizes the label.
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #6
|
|
|
|
You are having lunch with a prospective vendor talking about what could be
|
|
your best deal of the year. During the conversation a blonde walks into
|
|
the restaurant and she is so stunning you draw your companion's attention
|
|
to her and give a vivid description of what you would do if you had her alone
|
|
in your hotel. She walks over to your table and the vendor introduces her as
|
|
his daughter. Your next move is to:
|
|
|
|
(a) Ask for her hand in marriage.
|
|
(b) Pass out and hope for sympathy.
|
|
(c) Forget the business; repeat the conversation to the
|
|
daughter and get her number.
|
|
(d) Turn red and slink off into the men's room.
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #9
|
|
|
|
You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives
|
|
in the plushest office you've ever seen. The enchillada casserole and
|
|
egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure.
|
|
Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass
|
|
bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out. You:
|
|
|
|
(a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
|
|
(b) Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense.
|
|
(c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better.
|
|
%
|
|
Fortune understands that the vote on a bill to legalize bisexuality
|
|
could go either way.
|
|
%
|
|
Fortune's Guide to Movies:
|
|
G: No girl.
|
|
PG: The hero gets the girl.
|
|
R: The bad guy gets the girl, then the good guy gets the girl.
|
|
X: The hero still gets the girl in the end, but he's never sure
|
|
which end it will be.
|
|
XXX: Everybody gets the girl.
|
|
%
|
|
Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #1
|
|
|
|
Any attempt to say that someone's personal beliefs are wrong, even if
|
|
you supply conclusive evidence to support your claim, is an outright attack.
|
|
If you show someone a flaw in his/her logic, they have every right to punch
|
|
you in the face. Mathematical proofs of errors are the moral equivalent
|
|
of rape and should be avoided at all cost.
|
|
Now... your opponent has requested a "rational discussion". What do
|
|
you do? Well, remember that people are normally willing to discuss things
|
|
rationally if and only if you agree with them; anything less would obviously
|
|
not be rational. Therefore, agree immediately, and continue as before.
|
|
Always assume that whenever you see someone making a statement about
|
|
"certain parties who shall remain nameless", "some people", "assholes", etc.,
|
|
they are talking about *you*. It is also correct to assume that words you
|
|
don't understand, such as "prestidigatory", "lapidarian", and "buprestid",
|
|
are direct personal attacks aimed at your loved ones and merit an equally
|
|
scathing response. Failure to do this results in many lost opportunities for
|
|
rational discussion. (See above.)
|
|
%
|
|
Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #3
|
|
|
|
The proper time for a vicious ad hominem attack is when you have no logical
|
|
recourse. If you have been arguing a point with a person or persons for
|
|
30 odd weeks, and a memo comes across that logically tears down the
|
|
final shred of evidence that you thought you had, that is the time to call
|
|
the author of that memo:
|
|
1: a mindless twit who attacks other people's beliefs for no reason.
|
|
2: an egotistical flaming typical wombat aggie melon-humping
|
|
cheese-whizzing nanosexual subuseless clamsucker whose memos
|
|
are apparently sneezed onto his/her terminal.
|
|
3: something unpleasant.
|
|
The OTHER proper time for an ad hominem attack is immediately after someone
|
|
has posted something you don't understand. Given the current state of modern
|
|
electronic communications technology your inability to comprehend the meaning
|
|
of a memo constitutes a violation of western moral tradition on the part of
|
|
the author of that memo, and the author should be taken to task publicly via
|
|
a series of really nasty, name-calling oriented memos.
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #5
|
|
|
|
Don't wear your spurs while making love in a waterbed.
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #8
|
|
|
|
Don't wear your high heels while making love on the pool table.
|
|
%
|
|
Four men had been playing golf together for twenty years. After their usual
|
|
Saturday game one week, one of the men joined the other three for a post-game
|
|
shower for the first time. His friends were surprised - "For twenty years",
|
|
one of them says, "you haven't showered after our game, you've just waited for
|
|
us in the clubhouse. Why the sudden change?"
|
|
"Well", replies their friend, "I was born with a fairly unusual
|
|
medical condition. I had both a penis and a vagina. Last month I finally
|
|
decided to have the vagina removed."
|
|
The other three men look at him in disbelief and disgust. "You
|
|
mean," snaps one of them, "you could have played from the women's tee all
|
|
these years?"
|
|
%
|
|
France is a country where the money falls apart and you can't tear
|
|
the toilet paper.
|
|
-- Billy Wilder
|
|
%
|
|
From the outset, the blind date was a fiasco and it was intensified by the
|
|
fact that the fellow was too insensitive and ego-ridden to realize it. The
|
|
moment of truth came in the supper club as he clutched the girl's thigh and
|
|
whispered,
|
|
"Baby, how's about our cutting out to my pad so I can slip you nine
|
|
inches?"
|
|
There was a moment of silence, and then the girl said,
|
|
"You know, I really don't think you could get it up three times
|
|
in a row!"
|
|
%
|
|
Fuck art; let's dance!
|
|
%
|
|
Fuck off and die!
|
|
%
|
|
Fuck you and anybody who looks like you.
|
|
%
|
|
Fuck'em if they can't take a joke!
|
|
%
|
|
Fucking is a filthy deed. -- I like it.
|
|
It satisfies a normal need. -- I like it.
|
|
It makes you sick, it makes you well,
|
|
It turns your spine to fucking jell,
|
|
It damns your soul to Eternal Hell! -- I like it.
|
|
%
|
|
fuck-me-pumps, n:
|
|
Stiletto heels of a certain length, usually black patent leather.
|
|
The proper designation is "throw-me-down-and-fuck-me" pumps. Shoes with
|
|
heels just high enough to let the frayed tip of a bullwhip trail around
|
|
them properly.
|
|
%
|
|
fuckoff, n:
|
|
The tie breaker at the Miss America Beauty Pageant.
|
|
%
|
|
Gardeners do it in raised beds.
|
|
%
|
|
GARTER:
|
|
An elastic band intended to keep a woman
|
|
from coming out of her stockings and desolating the country.
|
|
%
|
|
Gary Hart's biggest mistake was not getting Teddy Kennedy to drive
|
|
Donna Rice home.
|
|
%
|
|
GAY:
|
|
One who'd rather swish than fight.
|
|
%
|
|
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
|
|
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because
|
|
you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too
|
|
little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for committing incest.
|
|
%
|
|
Gentlemen prefer blondes, but who says blondes prefer gentlemen?
|
|
-- Mae West
|
|
%
|
|
Geometry teaches us to bisex angels.
|
|
%
|
|
George, after tying on a whopper the night before, woke up in the morning to
|
|
find a pathetically unattractive woman sleeping blissfully beside him. He
|
|
leaped out of bed, dressed quickly, and furtively placed $100 on top of the
|
|
bureau. He then started to tiptoe out of the room. But, as he passed the
|
|
foot of the bed, he felt a tug at his trouser leg. Glancing down, he saw
|
|
another female even homelier than the one he'd left in bed. She gazed up
|
|
at him soulfully, and asked, "Nothing for the bridesmaid?"
|
|
%
|
|
George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but he
|
|
also admitted doing it. Now, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
|
|
Because George still had the axe in his hand.
|
|
%
|
|
GEORGIA:
|
|
Where kinky sex means getting laid.
|
|
%
|
|
"Get a load of that chick!" "Dude -- you gotta ask her out."
|
|
"Weellll, I dunno..." "Look. The worst she can say, is 'No'!"
|
|
"Hey! You're right!" "I'm always right!"
|
|
"The worst she can say... is 'No'!"
|
|
|
|
"Idunnoifyou'vebeennoticingmebutI'vebeennoticingyouandIwaswonderingif
|
|
you'd like to go out with me!"
|
|
|
|
Oh my god you little Geek!
|
|
Get away before I freak! You ugly, stupid, zitfaced scum,
|
|
I'm a babe and you are not. You asked me out; you MUST be dumb.
|
|
You can't handle what I've got! Well you can beg until you're blue,
|
|
I'm too hot, too hot for you.. But you're not even fit to lick my shoe.
|
|
I'm too hot, too hot for you.
|
|
Ha ha ha! Don't make me laugh!
|
|
I want a whole man, not a half. I've got a bitchin' bod and a killer
|
|
You wet your pants, I'm so sure. face,
|
|
Too bad wimp-itis has no cure. I'm god's gift to the male race.
|
|
I'm too hot, too hot for you. I'm the queen of babes supreme,
|
|
But you'll only see me in you dreams.
|
|
"Well? What'd she say??" I'm too hot, too hot for you.
|
|
"Well, she didn't say no..."
|
|
-- Barry and the Bookbinders, "The Worst She Can Say is No"
|
|
%
|
|
GET OFF THE FUCKING SYSTEM THIS INSTANT, YOU ASSHOLE!!!!
|
|
%
|
|
Get your bytes from our backend!
|
|
-- Britton Lee
|
|
%
|
|
Getting an education at the University of California
|
|
is like having $50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time.
|
|
%
|
|
Getting Cheryl to shed her apparel
|
|
Is like shooting goldfish in a barrel.
|
|
But her genital area
|
|
Is so vast it'll scareya,
|
|
And you venture inside at your peril.
|
|
%
|
|
Gibble gabble gabble gibble gurgle lubble gibble babble beeble triggle
|
|
Lean closer.
|
|
Libble gabble gabble ibble gurgle gubble tibble babble feeble riggle
|
|
Smile at her *knowingly*.
|
|
Gibble gabble sabble gibble surgle gubble gibble babble beeble giggle
|
|
Nod sympathetically. Show you're on *her* side.
|
|
Bibble gabble gabble babble gurgle gubble gibble tribble beeble figgle
|
|
Touch her hand lightly. Nobody understands but we two.
|
|
Fibble gabble fobble gibble gurgle bubble gibble tabble beeble giggle
|
|
Look sincere.
|
|
|
|
"Why don't we have the next drink up at MY place?"
|
|
|
|
God's gift to women strikes again.
|
|
-- J. Feiffer
|
|
%
|
|
Gimme that old bisexuality,
|
|
Gimme that old bisexuality,
|
|
Gimme that old bisexuality,
|
|
'Cause it's good enough for me!
|
|
|
|
It was good for David Bowie,
|
|
It was good for David Bowie,
|
|
It was good for David Bowie,
|
|
And it's good enough for me!
|
|
%
|
|
Girls are better looking in snowstorms.
|
|
-- Archie Goodwin
|
|
%
|
|
Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand!
|
|
%
|
|
Girls marry for love. Boys marry because of a chronic irritation
|
|
that causes them to gravitate in the direction of objects with
|
|
certain curvilinear properties.
|
|
-- Ashley Montagu
|
|
%
|
|
Girls really do know just what they want -- you to figure it out for
|
|
yourself!
|
|
%
|
|
Girls who put out are tramps. Girls who don't are ladies. This is,
|
|
however, a rather archaic use of the word. Should one of you boys happen
|
|
upon a girl who doesn't put out, do not jump to the conclusion that you
|
|
have found a lady. What you have probably found is a lesbian.
|
|
-- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
|
|
%
|
|
Girls who throw themselves at men,
|
|
are actually taking very careful aim.
|
|
%
|
|
Girls would never stay out late if guys didn't make them.
|
|
%
|
|
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
|
|
-- Mae West
|
|
%
|
|
Give me Librium or give me Meth.
|
|
%
|
|
Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!
|
|
%
|
|
GLEE CLUB GROUPIE:
|
|
A girl into choral sex.
|
|
%
|
|
GNU Make will no longer go into an infinite loop when fed the horrid
|
|
trash that passes for makefiles that `imake' produces (so you can
|
|
compile X, despite the extreme stubbornness and irrationality of its
|
|
maintainers).
|
|
-- GNU Make 3.55 release notes
|
|
%
|
|
Go out with girls Dutch treat -- pay for dinner, drinks,
|
|
and the movie, and the rest of the evening is on her.
|
|
%
|
|
God is a polytheist.
|
|
%
|
|
God is an atheist.
|
|
%
|
|
God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's.
|
|
%
|
|
God is not dead -- he's been busted.
|
|
%
|
|
God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent -- it says so right here
|
|
on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these
|
|
divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No
|
|
checks, please. Cash and in small bills.
|
|
-- Lazarus Long
|
|
%
|
|
God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
|
|
%
|
|
God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft.
|
|
%
|
|
God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
|
|
%
|
|
God must love assholes -- She made so many of them.
|
|
%
|
|
God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on
|
|
where to go.
|
|
"Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter.
|
|
"No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God.
|
|
"Well, how about Mercury?"
|
|
"No, it's too hot there."
|
|
"Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?"
|
|
"No," sighed God, "They're such horrible gossips. When I was
|
|
there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're
|
|
still talking about it."
|
|
%
|
|
God wants us to know that if we see a bumper sticker saying "Honk if you love
|
|
Jesus" it is a bad idea to honk to express an opinion about Jesus because it
|
|
will annoy the turkey who put the bumper sticker on as well as everyone else
|
|
in the vicinity. However, it is just fine to honk to annoy the turkey simply
|
|
for being a turkey, for God told Man to be fruitful and multiply, and to rule
|
|
over the beasts of the field and the birds of the air, and that includes the
|
|
turkeys who buy such bumper stickers. Of course, God understands that innocent
|
|
bystanders will also be annoyed, but He has wisely created traffic cops to
|
|
impose some constraint on how much we may annoy the turkeys within city limits,
|
|
for God's wisdom comprehends full well that thou shalt not make an omelette
|
|
without breaking eggs. God only wishes they were turkey eggs, so such moral
|
|
dilemmas shall be fewer in number in the future, when the generations a-coming
|
|
(hallelujah) won't have so many turkeys to deal with. But God knows full well
|
|
that such things take time, and the turkeys are showing more resilience than
|
|
expected, and may be with us for a long time yet.
|
|
%
|
|
God's plan had a great beginning,
|
|
But man spoiled his chances by sinning
|
|
We trust that the story
|
|
Will end in God's glory
|
|
But at present the other side's winning.
|
|
%
|
|
Going into politics is as fatal to a gentleman as going into a bordello
|
|
is fatal to a virgin.
|
|
-- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
|
|
%
|
|
Gold coast slave ship bound for cotton fields
|
|
Sold in a market down in New Orleans
|
|
Scarred old slaver knows he's doing alright
|
|
Hear him whip the women, just around midnight
|
|
|
|
Ah, brown sugar how come you taste so good?
|
|
Ah, brown sugar just like a young girl should
|
|
|
|
Drums beating cold English blood runs hot
|
|
Lady of the house wonderin' where it's gonna stop
|
|
House boy knows that he's doing alright
|
|
You should a heard him just around midnight.
|
|
...
|
|
I bet your mama was tent show queen
|
|
And all her girlfriends were sweet sixteen
|
|
I'm no school boy but I know what I like
|
|
You should have heard me just around midnight.
|
|
-- Rolling Stones, "Brown Sugar"
|
|
%
|
|
Goldfish: Two naked people tied and put on a mattress together to make love
|
|
"fish fashion" (ie: no hands). Originally a nineteenth-century bordel joke.
|
|
It can be done (if you are the victims, try on your sides from behind).
|
|
Venerable party game, but don't play it with strangers, or leave players
|
|
unsupervised, even briefly. There was a nice spoof on this sex stunt in
|
|
the movie "Soldier Blue". A good many women can get an orgasm from this
|
|
simply by struggling, especially if you put them in front of a mirror.
|
|
Don't both tie yourselves, even if you can manage it -- you might not be
|
|
able to get loose.
|
|
-- The Joy of Sex
|
|
%
|
|
Good day for water sports. Take a bath with a friend.
|
|
%
|
|
Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen!
|
|
Here's a little number I tossed up in the Carribean recently...
|
|
|
|
Isn't it awfully nice to have a Penis,
|
|
isn't it frightfully good to have a Dong.
|
|
|
|
It's swell to have a Stiffy,
|
|
it's divine to have a Dick,
|
|
from the tinyest little Tadger,
|
|
to the world's greatest Prick.
|
|
|
|
So, breeches for your Willy or John-Thomas,
|
|
Hooray! for your One Eyed Trouser's Snake.
|
|
|
|
Your Piece of Pork, your Wife's best friend,
|
|
your Porky or your Cock,
|
|
you can wrap it up in ribbons,
|
|
you can stick it in your sock!
|
|
|
|
But, don't take it out in public,
|
|
or they will stick you in the dock,
|
|
and you won't come back.
|
|
-- The Meaning of Life, Monty Python
|
|
%
|
|
good scout, n:
|
|
Someone who knows the lay of the land and will take you to her.
|
|
%
|
|
Gorbachev woke up early one morning, and felt great. He walked over to his
|
|
window, threw back the curtains, and saw the sun coming up. He felt *so*
|
|
good, he crowed, "Good Morning Sun!", and was startled when a great booming
|
|
voice came back to him, "Good morning Comrade! Good morning to you and
|
|
the great Soviet Socialist Republic!". Of course, this surprised him, but
|
|
great politician that he is, he considers the political ramifications.
|
|
Gorbachev then woke up Reza and his closest aides, brought them into his
|
|
bedroom, and shouted out "Good morning, Comrade Sun!". Again a booming reply,
|
|
"Good morning, Comrade. Good morning to you and the rest of the Party!"
|
|
Everyone was quite excited about this, and Gorbachev sat down to his
|
|
day's work with a feeling of being destiny's favorite child.
|
|
Later, in the evening, he was preparing for the ballet. As he
|
|
dressed, he noticed that the sun was setting. Walking over to the window,
|
|
Gorbachev threw up the sash and again addressed the sun, "Good evening to
|
|
you, Comrade Sun!". Once more the great voice boomed out, "Fuck you,
|
|
asshole! I'm in the West now!"
|
|
%
|
|
Grain grows best in shit.
|
|
-- U.K. LeGuin
|
|
%
|
|
Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
|
|
%
|
|
Gravity is an unforgiving motherfucker.
|
|
%
|
|
great lover, n:
|
|
A man who can breathe through his ears.
|
|
%
|
|
GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#21): July 30, 1917
|
|
|
|
On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then
|
|
Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought
|
|
them off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought
|
|
I wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from
|
|
his mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs
|
|
in a tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service
|
|
men stood lookout.
|
|
%
|
|
Gross, adj.:
|
|
When your bloody mary still has the string in it.
|
|
%
|
|
Gross, adj.:
|
|
When your grandmother kisses you goodnight and
|
|
slips you some tongue.
|
|
%
|
|
Gynecologist, n:
|
|
Someone who spends their time spreading old wives' tails.
|
|
%
|
|
HACKER:
|
|
A master byter.
|
|
%
|
|
Hackers do it bottom-up.
|
|
%
|
|
Hackers do it with all sorts of characters.
|
|
%
|
|
Hackers do it with bugs.
|
|
%
|
|
Hackers do it with fewer instructions.
|
|
%
|
|
Hackers have kernel knowledge.
|
|
%
|
|
Hackers know all the right MOVs.
|
|
%
|
|
Half the posts to this group are about masturbation and the other half
|
|
are about penis size. And what I want to know is, if all you're doing
|
|
is jerking off, why do you care how big it is?
|
|
-- From alt.sex
|
|
%
|
|
Halt!! Who goes there, friend or enema?
|
|
%
|
|
Handsome woman. -- Lovely bust.
|
|
Fine young fellow. -- Stirred-up lust. --
|
|
Babies' diapers. --
|
|
Bottom wipers. --
|
|
Years of struggle. -- Coffin. -- Dust.
|
|
%
|
|
Handy hint:
|
|
A tea bag or two can be a dandy substitute
|
|
when you're out of tampons.
|
|
%
|
|
Hang gliders come down very slowly.
|
|
%
|
|
Hangover, n:
|
|
The burden of proof.
|
|
%
|
|
HAPPINESS:
|
|
Having your Herpes (Type II) test come back negative.
|
|
%
|
|
Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is to
|
|
mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding. The principal difference
|
|
between the husbandryman and the historian is that the former breeds sheep
|
|
or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed) facts. The husbandryman uses
|
|
his skills to enrich the future; the historian uses his to enrich the past.
|
|
Both are usually up to their ankles in bullshit.
|
|
-- Tom Robbins
|
|
%
|
|
Harold had never wanted a woman so much in his life, upon overhearing the
|
|
22- year-old beauty remark that he was too old and out of shape for her. The
|
|
determined septuagenarian immediately embarked upon a rigorous self-improvement
|
|
program. He had his face lifted, bought a toupee, ran five miles every day,
|
|
lifted weights and adopted a strict vegetarian diet. Within months, the
|
|
rejuvenated man won the young woman's heart, and she agreed to marry him.
|
|
On the way out of the chapel, however, Harold was fatally struck
|
|
by lightning. Furious, he confronted Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "How
|
|
could you do this to me after all the pain I went through?"
|
|
"To be honest, Harold," Saint Peter sheepishly replied, "I didn't
|
|
recognize you."
|
|
%
|
|
Harry came into work on Monday feeling absolutely fine, and so was astonished
|
|
when his secretary urged him to lie down on the sofa; even more so when his
|
|
boss took one look at him and ordered him to take the day, if not the week,
|
|
off. Even his poker buddies wouldn't have anything to do with him, insisting
|
|
that he go straight to bed. Finally, tired of resisting everyone's advice,
|
|
he went to see his doctor, who took one look at him and rushed over with
|
|
a stretcher.
|
|
"But doctor," he protested, "I feel fine."
|
|
Well, this was a puzzler, conceded the doctor, who proceeded to refer to the
|
|
enormous reference tomes behind his desk, muttering to himself.
|
|
"Looks good, feels good... No, you look like hell. Looks good,
|
|
feels terrible... Nah, you feel fine, right?"
|
|
Thumbing furiously through another volume, he said,
|
|
"Looks terrible, feels terrible... Nope, that won't do it either."
|
|
Finally, "Looks terrible, feels terrific... Aha!! You're a vagina!"
|
|
%
|
|
Have you ever really thought about there being a simple solution to
|
|
America's problems? Why, we could solve all of our raw materials
|
|
difficulties, foreign complications etc. over a long weekend. If we
|
|
got up early, early mind you, on Saturday, we could take over Mexico
|
|
by 10:00. Panama and most of South America would be a bit more difficult,
|
|
but I believe we could do it by 6 or 7 that evening. Turning our
|
|
attention northward, Canada would require most of Sunday morning.
|
|
General mopping up and execution of the civilian populations would take
|
|
up Sunday afternoon. I just don't understand why Washington hasn't
|
|
thought of this...
|
|
%
|
|
Have you ever stopped to think what it would be like to have a woman
|
|
President? "I can't deal with the Russians today. Not now. I've got
|
|
my period."
|
|
-- Steven Moore
|
|
%
|
|
Have you ever tried to tickle yourself? Everybody has some wacko aunt or
|
|
uncle that can just point at you and have you rolling with laughter. But
|
|
if you shove your fist in your underarm for a week and a half you won't
|
|
laugh. Somehow your underarm just knows that it's *your* fist. Thank God
|
|
other parts of our bodies are dumber.
|
|
%
|
|
Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm? Besides drugs, I
|
|
mean. The answer is hot tubs. A hot tub is a redwood container filled with
|
|
water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite sex, none of whom
|
|
is necessarily your spouse. After a few hours in their hot tubs, Californians
|
|
don't give a damn about earthquakes or mass murderers. They don't give a
|
|
damn about anything , which is why they are able to produce "Laverne and
|
|
Shirley" week after week.
|
|
-- Dave Barry
|
|
%
|
|
Have you heard about Magda Lupescu,
|
|
Who came to Rumania's rescue?
|
|
It's a wonderful thing
|
|
To be under a king--
|
|
Is democracy better, I esk you?
|
|
%
|
|
Have you heard of knock-kneed Samuel McGuzzum
|
|
Who married Samantha, his bow-legged cousin?
|
|
Some people say,
|
|
Love finds a way,
|
|
But for Sam and Samantha it doesn'.
|
|
%
|
|
Have you heard of the lady named Cox
|
|
Who had a capacious old box?
|
|
When her lover was in place
|
|
She said, "Please turn your face.
|
|
I look like a gal, but I screw like a fox."
|
|
%
|
|
Have you heard of those trollops of Birmingham
|
|
And the scandal that's currently concerning'em?
|
|
How they lift the frock
|
|
And tickle the cock
|
|
Of the bishop while he was confirming 'em?
|
|
%
|
|
Have you seen how Sonny's burning,
|
|
Like some bright erotic star,
|
|
He lights up the proceedings,
|
|
And raises the temperature.
|
|
-- The Birthday Party, "Sonny's Burning"
|
|
%
|
|
Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used
|
|
for sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such
|
|
attempts... though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous
|
|
as the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the
|
|
Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God
|
|
finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve.
|
|
-- R.E. Masters
|
|
%
|
|
Having lost his potency years before, the octogenarian was desperate to
|
|
satisfy his new 18-year-old wife. He visited a gypsy woman with magical
|
|
powers.
|
|
After the man downed a foul-tasting potion, the gypsy said, "There.
|
|
Now the words beep-beep will give you an enormous erection. Repeating
|
|
the phrase will make it disappear. But remember," she cautioned, "it will
|
|
work only three times. Make use of them wisely."
|
|
As the old man left, he decided to test her prediction. "Beep-beep,"
|
|
he said, and sure enough, he got the biggest erection of his life.
|
|
"Beep-beep", he repeated. It went away.
|
|
He sped through traffic on his way home. "Beep-beep," honked a taxi.
|
|
The old man gasped as he instantly got hard.
|
|
"Beep-beep," honked a truck. His erection wilted.
|
|
Pulling into his driveway at last, the frantic man rushed inside
|
|
and found his nubile wife lying on the bed reading a novel.
|
|
"Have I got a surprise for you," he said, tearing off his clothes.
|
|
"Beep-beep!"
|
|
"Hold on a second," his wife said, eyeing his magnificent erection.
|
|
"What's all this beep-beep shit?"
|
|
%
|
|
Having made a remark rather coarse,
|
|
A young lady was seized with remorse;
|
|
She fled from the room,
|
|
And later, a groom
|
|
Saw her rolling about in the gorse.
|
|
-- Edward Gorey
|
|
%
|
|
He: Am I... am I your first?
|
|
She: Well, honey, I could have sworn your face looked familiar...
|
|
%
|
|
He: "Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!"
|
|
She: "No, thanks, I've already got one asshole in there now."
|
|
%
|
|
He: So, what do you say to little fuck?
|
|
She: I say, "get lost, little fuck."
|
|
%
|
|
He boil my first cabbage, make it awfully hot,
|
|
But when he put in the bacon, oooh, you know it overflow the pot.
|
|
-- Bessie Smith, "Empty Bed Blues"
|
|
%
|
|
He carried me over the stream, striding through the current, his strong,
|
|
muscular, thighs scarcely hesitating as he sure-footedly forded the water.
|
|
But what was that bulge, small, oblong, solid, that might have been, say,
|
|
a pocket camera?
|
|
-- An Exciting Journey
|
|
%
|
|
He dove down overweighted with lead.
|
|
Passed one hundred and flat lost his head.
|
|
He flapped and he flailed,
|
|
Spit his hose and he wailed,
|
|
Swallowed water and found himself dead.
|
|
%
|
|
He drank with curvy Mable,
|
|
The pace was fast and furious,
|
|
He slid beneath the table,
|
|
Not drunk but merely curious.
|
|
%
|
|
He grabbed me by my slender neck,
|
|
I could not call or scream.
|
|
He dragged me to his tiny room,
|
|
Where we could not be seen.
|
|
He tore away my filmy wrap,
|
|
And gazed upon my form.
|
|
I so cold and frightened,
|
|
While he so strong and warm.
|
|
He pressed me to his thirsty lips,
|
|
I gave him every drop.
|
|
He drained me of my very self,
|
|
I could not make him stop!
|
|
And that is why you see me here,
|
|
An empty, broken bottle of beer...
|
|
%
|
|
He had heard that a certain whorehouse had a reputation for the bizarre.
|
|
So he drove to the place and, once inside, asked the Madam if she had anything
|
|
unusual for him to try. "Things are pretty slow today," she said, "but I
|
|
do have one number you might enjoy." She went on to describe a New Jersey
|
|
hen that had been trained to do blow jobs.
|
|
"We've got her here, but only for the day."
|
|
The visitor could hardly believe it, but he paid the fee and went
|
|
into a room with a hen. After a frustrating hour of trying to force his
|
|
cock into the hen's mouth, he figured out that he was dealing with nothing
|
|
but a plain old chicken. He left. Thinking about it later, he decided
|
|
that he had had so much fun trying that he returned the few days later and
|
|
asked the Madam, "Do you have anything new today?"
|
|
"Come this way," she said, and led him to a dark room where a group
|
|
of men were looking through a one-way mirror. He saw that they were watching
|
|
a girl making it with a large doberman pinscher.
|
|
"Wow!" he said to the man standing next to him. "This is really
|
|
great!"
|
|
The man replied, "Man, it ain't nothin'! You shoulda been here
|
|
a week ago and seen the guy with the chicken!"
|
|
%
|
|
He hated to mend, so young Ned
|
|
Called in a cute neighbor instead.
|
|
Her husband said, "Vi,
|
|
When you stitched up his torn fly,
|
|
Did you have to bite off the thread?"
|
|
%
|
|
He played smooch and stinkfinger with Daisy
|
|
Till this virgin was gotch-eyed and hazy.
|
|
Then his gargantuan pole in
|
|
Her pink, tight, and swollen
|
|
Young cunt just about drove her crazy.
|
|
%
|
|
He used to kiss her on her lips, but it's all over now.
|
|
%
|
|
He was not only a great swordsman, but also a cunning linguist.
|
|
%
|
|
He was so gay he'd never lean his ass on a baseball bat --
|
|
scared it'd get serious.
|
|
%
|
|
He was so ugly hookers used to tell him, "Not on the first date."
|
|
%
|
|
He was the world's only armless sculptor. He put the chisel in his mouth
|
|
and his wife hit him on the back of the head with a mallet.
|
|
-- Fred Allen
|
|
%
|
|
He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor --
|
|
Hell, they HAD to make him President of the United States.
|
|
It's the only job he's qualified for!
|
|
-- Michael Cain
|
|
%
|
|
He who farts in church must sit in his own pew.
|
|
%
|
|
He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush, hot,
|
|
pink damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun.
|
|
%
|
|
He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own hands.
|
|
%
|
|
He who trains his tongue to quote the learned
|
|
sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.
|
|
-- Howard Kandel
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
one penile desensitizer that's so effective that you
|
|
have to stroke the tube for five minutes to get the cap off?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the 97-year-old prostitute who got herself listed in the Yellow
|
|
Pages and now claims to be the oldest trick in the book?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the absent minded nurse who made the patient without disturbing
|
|
the bed?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the absent minded sculptor who put his model to bed and
|
|
started chiseling on his wife?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the absent-minded exhibitionist who was arrested for exposing
|
|
his whatchamacalit?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the ambitious secretary who walked into her boss's office and
|
|
demanded a salary on next week's advance?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the Ayatollah Khomeini Doll?
|
|
Wind it up and it takes Ken and Barbie hostage.
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the basketball player who was so tall that his girlfriend had to
|
|
go up on him?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the careless canary that did it for a lark?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the careless contortionist who accidentally swallowed his pride?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the cinema buff that's very excited by current trends in films?
|
|
The hero still gets the girl in the end, but he's never sure
|
|
which end it will be.
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the compulsive gambler who drove to Las Vegas, pulled up to
|
|
a parking meter, put a dime in -- and lost his car?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the couple on the stalled elevator who got off between floors?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the cross-eyed shoe fetishist who was always getting off on the
|
|
wrong foot?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the doctor that prescribed sex for insommia? His patients didn't
|
|
get any more sleep, but they had more fun staying awake.
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the drunken midget who walked into a home for girls and kissed
|
|
everybody in the joint?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the elderly gentleman who was stung on the privates by a bee and
|
|
asked the doctor to relieve the pain but leave the swelling?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend and
|
|
next morning found she was six months pregnant?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the farmer who couldn't keep his hands off his wife, so he
|
|
fired them?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
The fellow who chased his girlfriend up a tree and kissed
|
|
her between the limbs?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the fellow who got ten years for pumping Ethyl behind the station?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the fellow who maintains a special register of particularly
|
|
accommodating girls? He refers to it as his little blew book.
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the fellow who was descended from a long line his mother heard?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the fine, upstanding young woman who's wonderful laying down?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the freaky WAC who was court-martialed for contributing to the
|
|
delinquency of a major?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the French soldier who kissed his wife's cheeks before he went
|
|
to the front?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the freshman coed who decided not to sign up for a course in sex
|
|
education when she heard the final exam would be oral?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the frustrated musician who worked all week on an arrangement and
|
|
then his wife didn't leave town?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the fun-loving young lady who insists she won't even consider
|
|
marriage until she's gotten some experience under her belt?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the gay tattoo artist who had designs on several of the local
|
|
sailors?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the girl that wanted to impress her new boyfriend,
|
|
so she put on her low-cut dress to show him a thing or two?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the girl who called her boyfriend Amaretto, 'cause he was
|
|
such a sweet liquor?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the girl who was so undesirable that she even turned her vibrator
|
|
off?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the girl with the big wardrobe who started with just a little slip?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the guy who couldn't find his way to the orgy? Just kind of lost
|
|
his ball bearings.
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the guy who had his vasectomy done by Sears?
|
|
Every time he gets a hard-on, the garage door goes up.
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the guy who took a course in exotic lovemaking and announced that
|
|
he'd never be able to face his girl again?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the guy who was an incurable romantic until penicillin came along?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the guy who was so well endowed that he had a fiveskin?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the handsome bachelor Senator who hired a ravishing blonde as his
|
|
assistant and then made her the object of a long Congressional probe?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the high school drum major who dated two of the majorettes and
|
|
so enjoyed the breasts of both whirlers?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the hurricane that recently struck Fire Island -- Hurricane Bruce?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the inexperienced stenographer who discovered that she could lose
|
|
a lot more than letters behind the files?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the insurance salesman who says his greatest successes are
|
|
with young housewives who aren't adequately covered?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the little boy that found a fifty cent piece, so he went home
|
|
for some money?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the loner who gave up his solitary vice for Lent? Except on
|
|
Palm Sunday, of course.
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the man who never worried about his marriage until he moved from New
|
|
York to California and discovered that he still had the same milkman?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the mother of 12 who was called upon to use her diaphragm so often
|
|
that she kept it tacked to the headboard of her bed?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the new breakfast cereal called Queerios? You simply add milk
|
|
and they eat each other.
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the new breakfast cereal called "Swingers". They don't go snap,
|
|
crackle, or pop; they just lie there and go bang, bang, bang?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the new instrument of credit especially designed for use in
|
|
Los Angeles single bars? It's called Bang Americard.
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the new rule at the girls' school?
|
|
Lights out by ten, candles by eleven.
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the new vitamin made from chicken blood,
|
|
it makes men cocky and women lay better?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the nurse they thought had drowned
|
|
until they found her under the doc?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the nymphomaniac teenager popularly known as Little Often Annie?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the over-eager bride who came, walking down the aisle?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the perverted australian who left his wife and returned to Sydney?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the poor Greek fisherman who got his upper torso wedged into
|
|
a porthole and couldn't get out to save his ass?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the real smart girl who could play post-office all night
|
|
without getting any mail in her box?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the recent cigarette survey that disclosed that 99% of the
|
|
men who have tried Camels have gone back to women?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the San Franciscan who backed off the bus because he thought
|
|
someone would grab his seat?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the secretary that got fired because she had one too mini?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the sultan who had ten wives, nine of them had it soft.
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the swinger who labeled his little black book "Future Shack"?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the tight end who got two years for possession and came out a
|
|
wide receiver?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the truck driver who pulled out to avoid a child and fell
|
|
off the sofa?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the ultimate in singles bars. It's a place where girls have
|
|
to show their I.U.D.'s to be admitted?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the woman who claimed that two martinis usually made her
|
|
feel like a new man?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the young lady attacked in San Francisco?
|
|
By two men, one held her down while the other one did her hair.
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the young thing who is fondly known to the men in the office as
|
|
Secretariat -- not just because she's a good secretary but because
|
|
she's a wonderful mount?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about the...
|
|
guy who wore a tux to his vasectomy, because he figured that
|
|
if he was going to be impotent he might as well look impotent.
|
|
%
|
|
Hear that...
|
|
bookstores will soon be stocking a volume called "The Unsensuous
|
|
Census Taker". It's about a guy who comes once every ten years?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear that...
|
|
the Masters and Johnson clinic may well be the only organization
|
|
in the world from which a man resigns when he becomes a member
|
|
in good standing?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear that...
|
|
the only thing worse than coming home with lipstick on your
|
|
collar is being caught with leg make-up on your ears?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear that...
|
|
the Pope's next pronouncement on birth control is to be titled
|
|
"Paul's Epistle to the Fallopians"?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear that...
|
|
there's an establishment near the White House that caters to kinky
|
|
tastes? There's a House whip in attendance, of course?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear that...
|
|
those new edible candy pants are about to be distributed in a male
|
|
version -- with nuts of course?
|
|
%
|
|
Heard tell that the Iron Magnolia wanted to divorce ol' Jimmy.
|
|
Seems he's screwing everyone but her.
|
|
%
|
|
He'd kiss and the girls called him Georgie
|
|
They'd cry and the girls called him Porgie.
|
|
So he put Spanish fly
|
|
In their pudding and pie
|
|
And had the first tiny-tot orgy.
|
|
%
|
|
Heisenberg may have done it.
|
|
%
|
|
"Hell, no," said the Duchess of Quick,
|
|
"I won't suck his filthy old prick!
|
|
It's not that I funk
|
|
At a mouthful of spunk,
|
|
But the smell of his ass makes me sick!"
|
|
%
|
|
"Hello? Enema Bondage? I'm calling because I want to be happy, I guess..."
|
|
-- Zippy the Pinhead
|
|
%
|
|
Hello, children!!
|
|
This is Uncle Dennis welcoming you to your very own fortune.
|
|
Today we are going to hear a story, so sit right here on my lap
|
|
and we can all start. Comfortable? Ah, yes, ah... Ah? Ah!!
|
|
|
|
One day, Rikki, the magic Pixie, went to visit Daisy Bumble in her
|
|
tumbledown cottage. He found her in the bedroom. Roughly he
|
|
grabbed her heaving ******* pulling her down on the bed and
|
|
hurriedly ripping off her thin *******.
|
|
|
|
Old Nick, the Sea Captain was a rough tough jolly sort of fellow.
|
|
He loved the life of the sea and he loved to hang out down by the
|
|
pier where the men dressed as ladies ****** **** ******* *******
|
|
of ***** ****** **** the ****** with a melon.
|
|
|
|
Rumpletweezer ran the Dinky Tinky shop in the foot of the Magic
|
|
oak tree by the wobbly dum-dum tree in the shade of the enchanted
|
|
glen down in Dingly Dell. Here he sold contraceptives, ********
|
|
and various appliances *** ******** *** ***** naked fun and *****
|
|
the ******** ******* *** into six or seven pairs.
|
|
%
|
|
Help! I'm a lesbian trapped in a gay man's body!
|
|
-- Bisexuality, 101
|
|
%
|
|
Help Stamp Out Rape! (Say Yes.)
|
|
%
|
|
HENPECKED HUSBAND:
|
|
One who's afraid to tell his pregnant wife that he's sterile.
|
|
%
|
|
Her brother, a bastard named Ben,
|
|
Could rotate his pecker, and then
|
|
He would shoot through his rear
|
|
Which made him dear
|
|
Of the girls, and the envy of men.
|
|
%
|
|
Her daughter, thought worried Ms. Coffin,
|
|
Had morals the city might soften.
|
|
So she phoned and asked, "Lynn,
|
|
Are you living in sin?"
|
|
Lynn said, "No -- but I visit there often."
|
|
%
|
|
Her kisses left something to be desired: the rest of her.
|
|
%
|
|
Here I sit, my cheeks a flexin',
|
|
Just gave birth to another Texan.
|
|
%
|
|
Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled with the issue
|
|
of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John Paul Stevens came up with
|
|
the famous quotation about how he couldn't define pornography, but he knew it
|
|
when he saw it. So for a while, the court's policy was to have all the
|
|
suspected pornography trucked to Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it
|
|
over. "Nope, this isn't it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until
|
|
one morning when his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under
|
|
an enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a ruling
|
|
stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except that it was
|
|
illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about it because the
|
|
court was going to take a nap.
|
|
-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
|
|
%
|
|
Here's a toast to Screwy Dick,
|
|
The man who was born with a corkscrew prick.
|
|
He spent his life in a futile hunt,
|
|
To find a woman with a spiral cunt.
|
|
And when he did, he dropped stone dead,
|
|
'Cause the blasted thing had a left-hand thread!
|
|
%
|
|
Here's to the girl in little red shoes,
|
|
She drinks my liquor, she drinks my booze,
|
|
She has no cherry, but that's no sin,
|
|
She has the box the cherry came in.
|
|
%
|
|
Here's to the girl that's dressed in black,
|
|
She's dressed so neat there's nothing to lack
|
|
She feels so fine and kisses so sweet
|
|
She makes things stand that have no feet.
|
|
%
|
|
Here's to the girl that's sweet,
|
|
Here's to the girl that's true,
|
|
Here's to the girl in all our hearts...
|
|
|
|
In other words, guys, what do you say we all go downtown for
|
|
the rest of the night?
|
|
%
|
|
Here's to the woman beautiful and divine
|
|
she flowers every month bears fruit every nine
|
|
she's the only creature 'tween heaven and hell
|
|
can get the juice from a nut without cracking the shell.
|
|
%
|
|
Here's to women. Would that we could fall into her arms without falling
|
|
into her hands.
|
|
-- Ambrose Bierce
|
|
%
|
|
HERMIT:
|
|
A man who'd rather get off by himself.
|
|
%
|
|
HERPES:
|
|
The final proof that 'tis better to give than to receive.
|
|
Much better.
|
|
%
|
|
He's a son-of-a-bitch, but he's our son-of-a-bitch.
|
|
-- FDR on Nicaraguan dictator Anastasio Somoza
|
|
%
|
|
He's gallantry personified, in fact, his brochures ought to
|
|
read satisfaction guaranteed, or your virginity returned intact.
|
|
%
|
|
He's learned about 50% of the rules of sex and conversation;
|
|
he knows how to stick it in, but not how to stick it out.
|
|
%
|
|
Hey baby!
|
|
How 'bout a brutal face fuck?
|
|
%
|
|
HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS:
|
|
A great way to prevent the tragedy of unwanted pregnancy is to
|
|
become a homosexual. Every year, millions of young men and women, just
|
|
like you, are making the clean change to worry-free homosexuality.
|
|
They're having more sex than ever, and more fun than ever. Send 50 cents
|
|
today for my leaflet "Gay sexual techniques". Be sure to specify the
|
|
male or female edition.
|
|
%
|
|
HEY, KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS:
|
|
Masturbation isn't as simple as it looks. Do it right!
|
|
Send 50 cents for my illustrated booklet "Masturbation techniques
|
|
for the teenager". Be sure to specify the male or female edition.
|
|
%
|
|
HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS:
|
|
Remember, oral sex CAN cause pregnancy, unless you use an
|
|
oral contraceptive. See your family planning clinic today!
|
|
%
|
|
Hickory Dickory Dock,
|
|
Three mice ran up a clock!
|
|
The clock struck one,
|
|
Right in the balls!
|
|
|
|
There was an old woman,
|
|
Who lived in a shoe,
|
|
Who had so many children,
|
|
Her uterus fell right out.
|
|
%
|
|
Higgledy Piggledy Coeducational
|
|
Yale University Extracurricular
|
|
Gave up misogyny Heterosexual
|
|
Opened its door. Fun is in store.
|
|
%
|
|
Hire the handicapped -- they're fun to watch!
|
|
%
|
|
His shy bride admitted to Crandall
|
|
That for years she'd worked off with a candle,
|
|
But a cock like his dick
|
|
Gave her ten times the kick,
|
|
Though it stained her wee peehole to handle!
|
|
%
|
|
Home is where the hurt is.
|
|
-- Strange de Jim
|
|
%
|
|
Honest, officer, had I known my health was
|
|
in jeopardy, why, I'd never have lit one!
|
|
%
|
|
HONOR:
|
|
Almost as good as in 'er.
|
|
%
|
|
horny, adj:
|
|
When your cock gets hard if the wind blows.
|
|
%
|
|
Horsecrap, little brother. There's always something more to be done.
|
|
Another palm to be greased. Another back to be scratched. Another
|
|
weak sister to be shored up.
|
|
-- J.R. Ewing
|
|
%
|
|
HOT TUB TIPS FOR WOMEN
|
|
Vol. I -- Etiquette
|
|
|
|
1. It's not lady-like to straddle a water jet, moan in ecstasy, and then
|
|
scream at the top of your lungs, "Oh, yes, YES, BABY!"
|
|
2. Washing your partner's back is sexy. Washing your panty hose is not.
|
|
3. Nude bathing with strangers can be a pleasant experience; don't spoil
|
|
it for everyone with a thoughtless remark, such as "My God, I've
|
|
seen bigger wangs on hamsters!"
|
|
4. It's O.K. to pass a joint while tubbing. Don't pass anything else.
|
|
5. Don't think you're fooling anybody by passing off your vibrator as a
|
|
toy submarine.
|
|
%
|
|
How can you say that the world isn't
|
|
Jewish, when the sun's real name is Sol?
|
|
%
|
|
How come if you're horny it's lust, but if she's horny it's affection?
|
|
%
|
|
How do you like the new America? We've cut the fat out of the
|
|
government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was
|
|
gone some time ago). All we seem to have left now is muscle.
|
|
We'll be lucky to escape with our skins!
|
|
%
|
|
How should they answer?
|
|
-- Abigail Van Buren (Dear Abby) in reply to the question
|
|
"Why do Jews always answer a question with a question?"
|
|
%
|
|
How soon can you have sexual relations after your wife delivers?
|
|
Well, depends on if she's in a ward or a private room.
|
|
%
|
|
HOW TO REMOVE STAINS -- #28
|
|
Semen stains can be removed from computer terminals with
|
|
Fantastik or the like. Use Windex on the glass however, and
|
|
be sure to turn the power off if you have to clean between
|
|
the keys.
|
|
%
|
|
Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole.
|
|
-- John Valby
|
|
%
|
|
Hugh Hefner is a virgin.
|
|
%
|
|
Hunters make the best lovers; they go deeper into the
|
|
bush, shoot more often and *always* eat what they shoot.
|
|
%
|
|
Hypocrisy is the vaseline of social intercourse.
|
|
%
|
|
hypocrite, n:
|
|
A man who says he likes cats, but won't eat pussy.
|
|
%
|
|
I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this
|
|
country what it once was... an arctic wilderness.
|
|
-- Steve Martin
|
|
%
|
|
I bet you think you're pretty cool driving around without auto insurance.
|
|
You're probably saying to yourself, "I'm beating the system." But what's
|
|
going to happen when you get pulled over and lose your license because
|
|
you're not insured. What girl's going to ride shotgun on a ten-speed on
|
|
a Saturday Night? Yeah, you're going to be beating more than the system...
|
|
-- auto insurance ad, heard on KNAC, Long Beach.
|
|
%
|
|
I call Christianity the one great curse, the one enormous and innermost
|
|
perversion, the one great instinct of revenge, for which no means are
|
|
too venomous, too underhand, too underground and too petty -- I call it
|
|
the one immortal blemish of mankind.
|
|
-- Fredrich Nietzsche
|
|
%
|
|
I call it the "Madman Theory". I want the North Vietnamese to believe that
|
|
I've reached the point where I might do *anything* to stop the war. We'll
|
|
just slip the word to them that "For God's sake, you know, Nixon is obsessed
|
|
about Communism. We can't restrain him when he's angry -- and he has his
|
|
hand on the nuclear button."
|
|
-- Richard Nixon
|
|
%
|
|
I came; I saw; I fucked up.
|
|
%
|
|
I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan prostitute
|
|
dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very bored with washing
|
|
and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after relentless day.
|
|
-- Betty MacDonald
|
|
%
|
|
I can understand companionship. I can understand bought sex in the
|
|
afternoon. I cannot understand the love affair.
|
|
-- Gore Vidal
|
|
%
|
|
I can't quite put my finger on it, but something about you pisses me off.
|
|
-- Peter Knight
|
|
%
|
|
I choked Linda Lovelace.
|
|
%
|
|
I continued wetting my bed for a long time, not just out of contrariness,
|
|
but to have the pleasure of feeling my warm urine running down my legs
|
|
and wallowing in its odor.
|
|
-- Salvador Dali
|
|
%
|
|
I did not look behind me, 'till I got to St. Omer's & thence fled to America;
|
|
here I offer'd to become a Spy for the English Government which was scornfully
|
|
rejected; I then turned to Plunder & Libel the Yankees, for which I was fined
|
|
5000 Dollars & kicked out of the Country! I came back to England (after
|
|
absconding for Seven years) & set up the Crown & Mitre to establish my Loyalty!
|
|
-- accepted from the Doctor L400 to print & disperse a pamphlet against "the
|
|
Hellfire of Reform" ... but applied the Money to purchase an estate at Botley,
|
|
& left ye Doctor to pay the Paper & Printing! Being now Lord of the Manor, I
|
|
began by sowing the seeds of discontent through Hampshire; I oppressed the
|
|
Poor, sent the Aged to Hell, & damned the eyes of my Parish Apprentices before
|
|
they were open'd in the morning! ... and being now supported by a Band of
|
|
Reformers, I renewed my old favorite Toast of Damnation to the House of
|
|
Brunswick! & being exalted by the sale of 10,000 Political Registers every
|
|
week, I find myself the greatest Man in the World! except that Idol of all my
|
|
Adorations, his Royal and Imperial Majesty, NAPOLEONE!
|
|
-- William Cobbett, British journalist
|
|
%
|
|
I dined with Lord Hughing Fitz-Bluing
|
|
Who said, "Do you squirm when you're screwing?"
|
|
I replied, "Simple shagging
|
|
Without any wagging
|
|
Is only for screwing canoeing."
|
|
%
|
|
"I do love a lay every day,
|
|
So whenever you're coming this way
|
|
Just phone in advance
|
|
And I'll jerk off my pants,
|
|
And we're set for a sexy soiree!"
|
|
%
|
|
I don't care who you are, Fatso. Get those reindeer off my roof.
|
|
%
|
|
I don't discriminate on the basis of sex.
|
|
-- Bisexuality, 101
|
|
|
|
[An equal opportunity lover? Ed.]
|
|
%
|
|
I don't drink water; fish fuck in it.
|
|
-- W.C. Fields
|
|
%
|
|
I don't give a shit what happens. I want you all to stonewall it. Let
|
|
them plead the Fifth Amendment, cover up, or anything else if it'll save
|
|
the plan.
|
|
-- Richard Nixon
|
|
%
|
|
I don't know why women get so upset, they have half the
|
|
money and all the pussy.
|
|
-- Gary Bussy, "DC Cab"
|
|
%
|
|
I don't love you, asshole, I love your daughter.
|
|
-- The Undergraduate
|
|
%
|
|
I Don't Mind If You Lie to Me, As Long As I Ain't Lyin' Alone
|
|
I Wouldn't Take You to a Dog Fight Even If I Thought You Could Win
|
|
If You Leave Me, Walk Out Backwards So I'll Think You're Comin' In
|
|
Since You Learned to Lip-Sync, I'm At Your Disposal
|
|
My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was
|
|
Breaking My Heart
|
|
Don't Cry, Little Darlin', You're Waterin' My Beer
|
|
Tennis Must Be Your Racket, 'Cause Love Means Nothin' to You
|
|
When You Say You Love Me, You're Full of Prunes, 'Cause Living
|
|
With You Is the Pits
|
|
I Wanted Your Hand in Marriage but All I Got Was the Finger
|
|
-- proposed Country-Western song titles from "Wordplay"
|
|
%
|
|
"I don't really mind her being unfaithful," sighed the man to his
|
|
marriage counselor, "but I just can't sleep three in a bed."
|
|
%
|
|
I don't remember ever having had the itch, and yet scratching is
|
|
one of nature's sweet pleasures, and so handy.
|
|
%
|
|
I don't understand what all the fuss was about in Los Angeles.
|
|
It's not like we looted Brooks Brothers when Oliver North got off.
|
|
-- P.J. O'Rourke
|
|
%
|
|
I don't want to say that she had big tits, but one day I asked her
|
|
just how big they was, and she said, "7 and 7/8".
|
|
I said, "7 and 7/8?! What did you measure 'em with?"
|
|
And she replied, "A Stetson."
|
|
%
|
|
"I finally found out what my ranch foreman husband really meant,"
|
|
sobbed the recent bride, "when he told me he'd love me 'til the
|
|
cows came home."
|
|
%
|
|
I grew up in an Italian family, you know, the strange thing about
|
|
Italians -- they're so Jewish.
|
|
-- Kay Ballard
|
|
%
|
|
I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...
|
|
boy, were they mad!
|
|
-- Stephen Wright
|
|
%
|
|
I had a virgin once. I had to go to Florida for her. She was twelve
|
|
years old, blind in one eye, and carried a stuffed alligator labeled
|
|
"Made in Taiwan".
|
|
-- The Stunt Man
|
|
%
|
|
I have a funny daddy
|
|
Who goes in and out with me
|
|
And everything that baby does
|
|
Daddy's sure to see,
|
|
And everything that baby says,
|
|
My daddy's sure to tell.
|
|
You must have read my daddy's verse.
|
|
I hope he fries in Hell.
|
|
-- Ogden Nash
|
|
%
|
|
"I have credit with this madam who runs a string of super callgirls,"
|
|
the executive reminisced at his club bar, "but when I got the bill for
|
|
the great head session one of them pleasured me with, I must say that
|
|
it was enough to make a blown man cry."
|
|
%
|
|
I have just enough white in me to make my honesty questionable.
|
|
-- Will Rogers
|
|
%
|
|
I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon. Come, let us
|
|
take our fill of love until the morning.
|
|
-- Proverbs 7:17-18
|
|
%
|
|
I heard there was a lot of sex on television these days,
|
|
but when I tried it I kept falling off.
|
|
%
|
|
I knew Leo G. Carrol
|
|
Was over a barrel
|
|
When Tarantula took to the hills. ["Lick it!"]
|
|
And I really got hot
|
|
When I saw Jeanette Scott
|
|
Fight a triffid that spits poison and kills.
|
|
|
|
Science fiction, double feature
|
|
Doctor X will build a creature.
|
|
See androids fighting Brad and Janet
|
|
Anne Francis stars in Forbidden Planet
|
|
Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh
|
|
At the late night, double feature, picture show.
|
|
-- The Rocky Horror Picture Show
|
|
%
|
|
I know a Polack his name is Cliff,
|
|
Hey-la-de-la-de-la.
|
|
He sticks it in the freezer to get it stiff,
|
|
Hey-la-de-la-de-lo.
|
|
|
|
I know a girl, her name is Serafina,
|
|
Hey-la-de-la-de-la.
|
|
She'll get down on all fours for a bowl of Purina,
|
|
Hey-la-de-la-de-lo.
|
|
|
|
I know a girl, her name is Cuffy,
|
|
Hey-la-de-la-de-la.
|
|
She douches with Tide and makes her pubes fluffy,
|
|
Hey la-de-la-de-lo.
|
|
-- Doctor Dirty
|
|
%
|
|
I know of a fortunate Hindu
|
|
Who is sought in the towns that he's been to
|
|
By the ladies he knows,
|
|
Who are thrilled to the toes
|
|
By the tricks that he makes his foreskin do.
|
|
%
|
|
I know what you're up to, you white-feathered fiend!
|
|
Go release your bowels on some lesser personage!
|
|
-- W.C. Fields, upon seeing a bird overhead
|
|
%
|
|
I know why the sun never sets on the British Empire -- God wouldn't trust
|
|
an Englishman in the dark.
|
|
-- Duncan Spaeth
|
|
%
|
|
I love this fucking University, and this University loves fucking me.
|
|
%
|
|
I married an Italian girl; the way you marry an Italian girl in my family
|
|
is to bring a New Yorker home first.
|
|
%
|
|
I may not be able to walk, but I drive from a sitting position.
|
|
%
|
|
I met a young man in Chungking
|
|
Who had a very long thing --
|
|
But you'll guess my surprise
|
|
When I found that its size
|
|
Just measured a third-finger ring!
|
|
%
|
|
I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come
|
|
into my neighborhood after dark.
|
|
-- Dick Gregory
|
|
%
|
|
I never did give anybody hell. I just told the truth and they thought
|
|
it was hell.
|
|
-- Harry S. Truman
|
|
%
|
|
I never had Miss Defauw,
|
|
But it wouldn't have been quite so raw
|
|
If she'd only said "No"
|
|
When I wanted her so;
|
|
But she didn't -- she laughed and said "Naw!"
|
|
%
|
|
I never met a woman I couldn't drink pretty.
|
|
%
|
|
I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket.
|
|
-- Lyndon Baines Johnson
|
|
%
|
|
I once had the wife of a Dean
|
|
Seven times while the Dean was out skiin'.
|
|
She remarked with some gaiety,
|
|
"Not bad for the laiety,
|
|
Though the Bishop once managed thirteen."
|
|
%
|
|
I once met a lassie named Ruth
|
|
In a long distance telephone booth.
|
|
Now I know the perfection
|
|
Of an ideal connection
|
|
Even if somewhat uncouth.
|
|
%
|
|
I once was annoyed by a queer
|
|
Who made his intentions quite clear.
|
|
Said I, "I'm no prude,
|
|
So don't think me rude,
|
|
But I'm already stewed, screwed, and tattooed."
|
|
%
|
|
I only date queers.
|
|
-- Bisexuality, 101
|
|
|
|
[I'm not queer, but my boyfriend is! Ed.]
|
|
%
|
|
I played over the music of that scoundrel Brahms. What a giftless
|
|
bastard! It annoys me that this self-inflated mediocrity is hailed
|
|
as a genius. Why, in comparison with him, Riff is a genius.
|
|
-- Tchaikovsky, October 9, 1886, diary entry
|
|
%
|
|
I regret to say that we are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital
|
|
intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce.
|
|
-- J. Edgar Hoover
|
|
%
|
|
I shot a query into the net.
|
|
I haven't got an answer yet, A posted message called me rotten
|
|
But seven people gave me hell For ignoring mail I'd never gotten;
|
|
And said I ought to learn to spell; An angry message asked me, Please
|
|
Don't send such drivel overseas;
|
|
A lawyer sent me private mail
|
|
And swore he'd slap my ass in jail -- One netter thought it was a hoax:
|
|
I'd mentioned Un*x in my gem "Hereafter, post to net dot jokes!";
|
|
And failed to add the T and M; Another called my grammar vile
|
|
And criticized my writing style.
|
|
Each day I scan each Subject line
|
|
In hopes the topic will be mine;
|
|
I shot a query into the net.
|
|
I haven't got an answer yet...
|
|
-- Ed Nather
|
|
%
|
|
I think any man in business would be foolish to fool around
|
|
with his secretary. If it's somebody else's secretary, fine.
|
|
-- Barry Goldwater
|
|
%
|
|
I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell's ass.
|
|
-- Senator Barry Goldwater, commenting on Jerry Falwell's
|
|
suggestion that all good Christians should be against
|
|
Sandra Day O'Connor's nomination to the Supreme Court
|
|
%
|
|
I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse
|
|
than anything else that has ever happened, and vice versa.
|
|
-- Frank Zappa
|
|
%
|
|
I think the Mormon prophet
|
|
Was a very funny man.
|
|
I wonder how his wives enjoyed
|
|
His Prophet Sharing Plan.
|
|
%
|
|
I thought Jackie O. was something you did in the bathroom.
|
|
-- Strange de Jim
|
|
%
|
|
I walked on toward Ploughwright, thinking about faeces. What a lot we
|
|
had found out about the prehistoric past from the study of fossilized
|
|
dung of long-vanished animals. A miraculous thing, really; a recovery
|
|
from the past from what was carelessly rejected. And in the Middle
|
|
Ages, how concerned people who lived close to the world of nature were
|
|
with the faeces of animals. And what a variety of names they had for
|
|
them: the Crotels of a Hare, the Friants of a Boar, the Spraints of
|
|
an Otter, the Werderobe of a Badger, the Waggying of a Fox, the Fumets
|
|
of a Deer. Surely there might be some words for the material so near
|
|
to the heart of Ozy Froats [an academic studying feces] than shit?
|
|
What about the Problems of a President, the Backward Passes of a
|
|
Footballer, the Deferrals of a Dean, the Odd Volumes of a Librarian,
|
|
the Footnotes of a Ph.D., the Low Grades of a Freshman, the Anxieties
|
|
of an Untenured Professor?
|
|
-- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels"
|
|
%
|
|
I want a girl that can swallow my pride.
|
|
-- Frank Zappa, "Jewish Princess"
|
|
%
|
|
I want the same things all men do, Rice Krispies and some sucking.
|
|
-- Dudley Moore
|
|
%
|
|
I was 15 years old before I found out that "damn yankee" was two words.
|
|
%
|
|
I was a cock-teaser at Rooster Rama.
|
|
I used to enrage the bantams before the big bouts.
|
|
-- Firesign Theatre
|
|
%
|
|
I was having sex just the other night, but she hung up.
|
|
%
|
|
I was on vacation in Greece last summer, and was being driven round an island
|
|
by a Greek cab-driver. He was a friendly man, and as we drove, he told me
|
|
about various historic and scenic places he had been involved with.
|
|
"See the entrance to that church over there? I built that with my
|
|
two sons. But do they call me `Dimitri the church builder'? Do they hell!"
|
|
As we passed a dam, he said, "See that dam? Four of us built that
|
|
dam by ourselves! But do they call me `Dimitri the dam builder?' Hell, no!"
|
|
As we passed a beautiful cottage, Dimitri started up again -- "See
|
|
that house? I built that for my wife with my own two hands! But do they
|
|
call me `Dimitri the home builder'? No! But just one little sheep!"
|
|
%
|
|
"I was plodding through the woods when suddenly a giant brown bear
|
|
grabbed me from behind and made me drop my gun. He picked it up
|
|
and stuck it in my back."
|
|
"What did you do?"
|
|
"What *could* I do? I married his daughter."
|
|
%
|
|
I went to a wild party last night. I tell ya, it was so wild, we played
|
|
a new version of Russian roulette. We passed around six girls and one
|
|
of them had V.D.
|
|
-- Rodney Dangerfield
|
|
%
|
|
I wish I was a fascinating lady
|
|
With a past that was cheap and a future that was shady
|
|
I'd sleep all day and I'd work all night
|
|
I'd live in a house with a little red light
|
|
And once a month I'd take a small vacation
|
|
And leave all the men to their imagination
|
|
And once in a while I'd go all wild
|
|
And have myself an illegitimate child
|
|
I wish I were a fascinating lady
|
|
Instead I'm the minister's child
|
|
%
|
|
I wish that my room had a floor;
|
|
I don't so much care for a door,
|
|
But this walking around
|
|
Without touching the ground
|
|
Is getting to be quite a bore!
|
|
-- Gelett Burgess
|
|
%
|
|
I wonder what my wife will want tonight;
|
|
Wonder if the wife will fuss and fight?
|
|
I wonder can she tell
|
|
That I've been raising hell;
|
|
Wonder if she'll know that I've been tight?
|
|
|
|
My wife is just as nice as can be,
|
|
I hope she doesn't feel too nice toward me.
|
|
For an afternoon of joy,
|
|
Is hell on the old boy,
|
|
I wonder what the wife will want tonight!
|
|
%
|
|
I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda,
|
|
I was lewd, but my God! she was lewder.
|
|
She said it was crude
|
|
To be wooed in the nude--
|
|
I persued her, subdued her, and screwed her!
|
|
%
|
|
I would like to say, Mister Bunce,
|
|
I'm a great connoisseur of hot cunts.
|
|
And in all my lewd life
|
|
I've met none like your wife,
|
|
So why leave her to me, you big dunce?
|
|
%
|
|
I wouldn't fuck her with your prick.
|
|
%
|
|
I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of
|
|
having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
|
|
-- R. Geis
|
|
%
|
|
I'd like to give the world a hug
|
|
And tell it jokes and stuff
|
|
And pull its pants down to its knees
|
|
And chase it through the rough
|
|
|
|
Then tie it up with bonds and straps
|
|
And search its purse for change
|
|
Then leave it out at Moose Grin Hall
|
|
With our cousin who's deranged ...
|
|
-- National Lampoon, to an old Coke commercial
|
|
%
|
|
I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now.
|
|
%
|
|
"I'd like to start a new religion. One that doesn't use a dead young
|
|
man as its logo."
|
|
-- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy"
|
|
%
|
|
I'd rather have fingers than toes,
|
|
I'd rather have ears than a nose,
|
|
And a happy erection
|
|
Brought just to perfection
|
|
Makes me terribly sad when it goes.
|
|
%
|
|
I'd walk a mile for a Camel, two for a hump.
|
|
%
|
|
If being bi increases your chance of getting a date,
|
|
does being poly increase your chance of getting dumped?
|
|
%
|
|
If continence causes neurosis
|
|
And intercourse causes thrombosis
|
|
I'd rather expire
|
|
Fulfilling desire
|
|
Than live in a state of psychosis.
|
|
%
|
|
If girls are all sugar and spice, why do they taste like anchovies?
|
|
%
|
|
If God doesn't destroy San Francisco,
|
|
He should apologize to Sodom and Gomorrah.
|
|
%
|
|
If God had meant for Texans to ski he would have made bullshit white.
|
|
%
|
|
If God had meant for us to have group sex, he'd have given us more organs.
|
|
-- Malcolm Bradbury
|
|
%
|
|
If God had wanted people to give blow
|
|
jobs, he wouldn't have given them teeth.
|
|
%
|
|
If God hadn't intended man to eat pussy,
|
|
would He have made it look like a taco?
|
|
%
|
|
If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound?
|
|
%
|
|
If I could reach, I'd never leave the house.
|
|
-- George Carlin
|
|
%
|
|
If I had a penis I'd wear it outside,
|
|
In cafes and car lots, with pomp and with pride.
|
|
If I had a penis I'd pamper it proper
|
|
I'd stay in the tub and use me as the stopper.
|
|
If I had a penis I'd take it to parties
|
|
Stretch it and stroke it and shove it at smarties.
|
|
I'd take it to pet shows and teach it to stay.
|
|
I'd stuff it in turkeys on Thanksgiving Day.
|
|
|
|
I'd rival my buddies in sportscars and stick shifts.
|
|
I'd shower my spire with girlies and gifts.
|
|
I'd peek around corners; I'd aim at my toilet;
|
|
I'd poke it at foreigners and soap it and oil it.
|
|
If I had a penis I'd run to my mother;
|
|
Comb out the hair and compare it to brother.
|
|
I'd lance her, I'd knight her, my hands would indulge...
|
|
Pants would seem tighter and buckle and bulge.
|
|
[Chorus]
|
|
A penis to plunder, a penis to push
|
|
'Cause one in the hand is worth one in the bush.
|
|
A penis to love me, a penis to share,
|
|
To pick up and play with when nobody's there.
|
|
-- Uncle Bonsai, "Penis Envy"
|
|
%
|
|
If it flies, floats or fucks, rent it, don't buy it.
|
|
-- Tommy Earl Bruner
|
|
%
|
|
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
|
|
-- Rodney Dangerfield
|
|
%
|
|
If it's not one thing, it's a mother.
|
|
%
|
|
If Jesus Christ came to this town, people would say, great guy; terrible
|
|
carpenter.
|
|
-- Gene Kirkwood, on Hollywood
|
|
%
|
|
If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot
|
|
to send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think
|
|
the other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. And if *fifty*
|
|
pieces of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces of mail get
|
|
lost, why they'll think someone *else* is broken! And if 1Gb of mail gets
|
|
lost, they'll just *know* that Arpa [ucbarpa.berkeley.edu] is down and
|
|
think it's a conspiracy to keep them from their God given right to receive
|
|
Net Mail ...
|
|
-- Casey Leedom
|
|
%
|
|
If life's a piece of shit, Calculus III is the spoon.
|
|
%
|
|
If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.
|
|
%
|
|
If men couldn't fuck there'd be a bounty on their heads.
|
|
%
|
|
If only is was as easy to banish hunger by rubbing the belly as it is to
|
|
masturbate.
|
|
-- Diogenes the Cynic
|
|
%
|
|
If Presidents don't do it to their wives, they do it to the country.
|
|
-- Mel Brooks
|
|
%
|
|
If sex is a pain in the ass, you may be doing it wrong.
|
|
%
|
|
If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would
|
|
suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is
|
|
only fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them
|
|
in 1966, only two went back to women.
|
|
-- Mort Sahl
|
|
%
|
|
If they can't take a joke, then fuck 'em.
|
|
If they can, then fuck 'em.
|
|
%
|
|
If thine eye offends thee, pluck it out.
|
|
If thy dick offends thee, whack it off.
|
|
%
|
|
If women ran the military complex, would the missiles be shaped differently?
|
|
%
|
|
If you could get an erection, you would have no need for Emacs.
|
|
%
|
|
If you don't ride a camel to work, you ain't Sheeite.
|
|
%
|
|
If you find for your verse there's no call,
|
|
And you can't afford paper at all,
|
|
For the true poet born,
|
|
However forlorn,
|
|
There is always the lavat'ry wall.
|
|
%
|
|
If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish.
|
|
-- Lenny Bruce
|
|
%
|
|
If you were attacked by a homosexual, would you beat him off?
|
|
%
|
|
If your thesis is utterly vacuous,
|
|
Employ first-order predicate calculus.
|
|
With sufficient formality,
|
|
The sheerest banality,
|
|
Will be hailed by all as miraculous!
|
|
%
|
|
If you're Catholic you've only got two choices: periodic
|
|
abstinence and complete continence; (you know, rhythm and blues).
|
|
%
|
|
If you're going to break up with your old lady and you live in a small
|
|
town, make sure you don't break up at three in the morning. Because you're
|
|
screwed -- there's nothing to do ... So make it about nine in the morning,
|
|
... bullshit around, worry her a little, then come back at seven in the
|
|
night.
|
|
-- Lenny Bruce
|
|
%
|
|
If you're gonna sleep with someone whose moral code may be written
|
|
in Fortran for all you know, at least make sure there's an existing
|
|
friendship of some sort to fall back on if things don't work out
|
|
like one or the other of you planned.
|
|
%
|
|
If you're really into astrology, tell me, what happens
|
|
when Mercury is in the Fish, and Jupiter enters the Virgin?
|
|
%
|
|
If you're speaking of actions immoral
|
|
The how about giving the laurel
|
|
To doughty Queen Esther,
|
|
No three men could best her --
|
|
One fore, and one aft, and one oral.
|
|
%
|
|
Il y a une jeune fille amoureuse
|
|
D'un homme qu'a une conduite honteuse;
|
|
Il la mene chaque soir
|
|
A son caveau noir
|
|
Et la bat avec plaintes crapuleuses.
|
|
-- Edward Gorey
|
|
%
|
|
Il y avait un jeune homme de dijon,
|
|
Qui n'avait que peu de religion.
|
|
Il dit:"quant a' moi,
|
|
Je deteste tous les trois,
|
|
Le pere, et le fils, et le pigeon-"
|
|
%
|
|
Il y avait un plombier, Francois,
|
|
Qui plombait sa femme dans le Bois.
|
|
Dit-elle, "Arretez!
|
|
J'entends quelqu'un venait."
|
|
Dit le plombier, en plombant, "C'est moi."
|
|
%
|
|
Il y avait une madame de Lahore
|
|
Dont la figure n'etait la meilleure,
|
|
Mais la vagine tres forte,
|
|
Toujours ouverte la porte,
|
|
Encore, et encore, et encore.
|
|
%
|
|
"I'll tell ya, Jeb," Wilbur said to his friend, "the tractor business ain't
|
|
doin' too well. I ain't sold one all month.
|
|
"You think you've got problems?" Jeb replied. "The other day, I went
|
|
out to milk Daisy, when she swatted me in the face with her tail, like she
|
|
always does. So I took some twine and tied it to the rafters. When I sat
|
|
down again, she kicked me like she always does. So I tied her leg to the
|
|
side of the stall. When I started to sit down again, I could see her taking
|
|
aim with her other leg, so I tied it to the other side of the stall. And I'll
|
|
tell you what," he continued with a sigh, "if you can convince my wife I was
|
|
gonna *milk* that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you!"
|
|
%
|
|
I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.
|
|
-- Rodney Dangerfield
|
|
%
|
|
I'm a gay man trapped in a lesbian's body!
|
|
-- The Queer Gospels of Madonna the Sloppily Conceived
|
|
%
|
|
I'm a lover not a dancer!
|
|
I'm a lover not a dancer!
|
|
Don't want to be on my feet,
|
|
When I can be on my back,
|
|
Don't want to be on the floor,
|
|
When I can be in the sack!
|
|
I'm a lover not a dancer!
|
|
I'm a lover not a dancer!
|
|
I'm just a little bit tired
|
|
If you know what I mean,
|
|
Don't want to be in a crowd
|
|
When I can be in a dream!
|
|
I'm a lover not a dancer!
|
|
Baby!
|
|
And, baby, let me prove it to you,
|
|
Baby, let me prove it to you!
|
|
-- Jim Steinman, "Dance in my Pants"
|
|
%
|
|
I'm against group sex because I wouldn't know where to put my elbows.
|
|
-- Martin Cruz Smith
|
|
%
|
|
I'm glad we don't have to play in the shade.
|
|
-- Golfer Bobby Jones on being told that it was 105 degrees
|
|
in the shade.
|
|
|
|
Very few blacks will take up golf until the requirement for plaid pants is
|
|
dropped.
|
|
-- Franklyn Ajaye
|
|
%
|
|
I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall,
|
|
it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French
|
|
government -- I'd give it all up for one erection.
|
|
-- Groucho Marx
|
|
%
|
|
I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish. Eddie Cantor's
|
|
goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is Jewish. Marine Corps
|
|
-- heavy goyish, dangerous. Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are
|
|
goyish. Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish.
|
|
Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish. Macaroons are
|
|
very Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is goyish. Lime soda is
|
|
very goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that Jews won't go near them.
|
|
-- Lenny Bruce
|
|
%
|
|
I'm never through with a girl until I've had her three ways.
|
|
-- J.F. Kennedy
|
|
%
|
|
I'm not a pheasant plucker,
|
|
I'm a pheasant plucker's son.
|
|
I'm just a'plucking pheasants
|
|
'Til the pheasant plucker comes.
|
|
-- The Irish Rovers
|
|
%
|
|
"I'm not against women. Not often enough, anyway."
|
|
-- NPR
|
|
%
|
|
I'm not laughing behind your back; everything funny is in front!
|
|
-- Rodney Dangerfield's wife
|
|
%
|
|
I'm So Miserable Without You It's Almost Like Having You Here
|
|
-- Song title by Stephen Bishop.
|
|
|
|
She Got the Gold Mine, I Got the Shaft
|
|
-- Song title by Jerry Reed.
|
|
|
|
When My Love Comes Back from the Ladies' Room Will I Be Too Old to Care?
|
|
-- Song title by Lewis Grizzard.
|
|
|
|
I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling
|
|
-- Unattributed song title.
|
|
|
|
Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through the Goal Posts of Life
|
|
-- Unattributed song title.
|
|
%
|
|
I'm sorry I'm late folks, I just got out of jail. I tried to change my
|
|
girlfriend's name. Yeah, I went down to the hall of records. I said, "I'd
|
|
like to change it... I'd like to change it to... LYING LITTLE BITCH!"
|
|
-- Sam Kinison
|
|
%
|
|
I'm unbuttoning your shirt, unzipping your jeans....
|
|
|
|
Oh, I can feel your fingers on the keys, baby,
|
|
I'm getting WARM....
|
|
|
|
I am getting there, oh yes,. Oh, my. OH YES... OHHHH!
|
|
...!!!rrrrrgh!!!!!
|
|
|
|
Honey, that was *really* terrific, but, next time,
|
|
couldn't you please input a little SLOWER?
|
|
%
|
|
Immanuel Kant was a real pissant who was very rarely stable.
|
|
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar who could think you under the table.
|
|
David Hume could out-consume Schopenhauer and Hegel,
|
|
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine who was just as schloshed as Schlegel.
|
|
There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya 'bout the raising of the wrist.
|
|
Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed!
|
|
|
|
John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
|
|
On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.
|
|
Plato, they say, could stick it away, half a crate of whiskey every day.
|
|
Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,
|
|
Hobbes was fond of his dram,
|
|
And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart: "I drink, therefore I am".
|
|
Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed;
|
|
A lovely little thinker but a bugger when he's pissed!
|
|
-- Monty Python, "The Philosopher's Drinking Song"
|
|
%
|
|
impotent loser, n:
|
|
Someone who can't even get his hopes up.
|
|
%
|
|
In 1953, Stalin dies. The politburo holds a special meeting to decide
|
|
what to do about the body. Nobody will let it be buried near their home.
|
|
Finally they decide:
|
|
"Aha! Call Israel! Offer them ten million rubels; they'll let us
|
|
bury Stalin in Israel! Off goes the message and the politburo waits...
|
|
Finally a telegram comes back:
|
|
"NO CHANCE STOP ONE RESURRECTION HERE ALREADY"
|
|
%
|
|
In a recent survey on why some men are homosexual, 82 percent of the gay
|
|
chaps responding said that either genetics or home environment was the
|
|
principal factor. The remaining 18 percent revealed that they had been
|
|
sucked into it.
|
|
%
|
|
In bed Dr. Oscar McPugh
|
|
Spoke of Spengler -- and ate crackers too.
|
|
His wife said, "Oh, stuff
|
|
That philosophy guff
|
|
Up your ass, dear, and throw me a screw!"
|
|
%
|
|
In cosmetics, there's cases of revolutionary Venus Envy Hair Spray;
|
|
Legette Hair Fastener Heat Bags; Lady O' Spain Self-Blinding Eye Shadow
|
|
with Magic Puncture Pencil; Sanitary Napkin Rings in Little Miss, Moon
|
|
Maid and Stuck Pig Strength; and deported Italian Napagel Balls for
|
|
soaking or eating; and they're all slash-priced with the lady in mind...
|
|
-- Firesign Theatre
|
|
%
|
|
In days of old, when knights were bold,
|
|
And rubbers weren't invented,
|
|
They tied their socks around their cocks
|
|
And babies were prevented.
|
|
%
|
|
In Duluth there's a hostess, forsooth,
|
|
Who doesn't know gin from vermouth,
|
|
But this lubricant lapse
|
|
Isn't noticed, perhaps
|
|
Because nobody does in Duluth.
|
|
%
|
|
In France they piss on Main Street
|
|
(In pissoirs, Mama, not cheap display).
|
|
-- Joni Mitchell
|
|
%
|
|
In light of the New Morality, Playboy Inc. is offering a new version of
|
|
its magazine, for married men. Every month it has the same centerfold.
|
|
%
|
|
In my sweet little Alice Blue gown
|
|
Was the first time I ever laid down,
|
|
I was both proud and shy
|
|
As he opened his fly
|
|
And the moment I saw it I thought I would die.
|
|
|
|
Oh it hung almost down to the ground,
|
|
As it went in I made not a sound,
|
|
The more that he shoved it
|
|
The more that I loved it,
|
|
As he came on my Alice Blue gown.
|
|
%
|
|
In my sweet little night gown of blue,
|
|
On the first night that I slept with you,
|
|
I was both shy and scared
|
|
As the bed was prepared,
|
|
And you played peekaboo with my ribbons of blue.
|
|
|
|
As we both watched the break of day,
|
|
And in peaceful submission I lay,
|
|
You said you adored it
|
|
But dammit, you tore it,
|
|
My sweet little night gown of blue.
|
|
%
|
|
In outer space, nobody can hear you fart.
|
|
%
|
|
In regards to Oral Roberts' claim that God told him that he would die unless
|
|
he received $20 million by March, God's lawyers have stated that their client
|
|
has not spoken with Roberts for several years. Off the record, God has stated
|
|
that "If I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time
|
|
ago."
|
|
-- Dennis Miller, SNL News
|
|
%
|
|
In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was without form.
|
|
And darkness was upon the staff members thereof. So they spake unto
|
|
their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it stinks."
|
|
|
|
And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying,
|
|
"It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof."
|
|
Now, the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying,
|
|
"It is a container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none
|
|
may abide before it." And it came to pass that the Directorate Head
|
|
spake unto the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel
|
|
of fertilizer and none may abide by its strength."
|
|
|
|
And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the Technical
|
|
Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and it is
|
|
very strong." And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto the
|
|
Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the
|
|
growth of the Laboratories."
|
|
|
|
And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that it was Good!
|
|
%
|
|
In the romantic days of Warsaw, Viennese whores were known for their
|
|
beauty and delicacy. A gallant officer picked up one such lady of the
|
|
evening, who took him to her apartment. They made delicious love all
|
|
evening before drifting to sleep in each others' arms. In the morning
|
|
the man dressed, staring into a full-length mirror. The lady lay in her
|
|
bed watching him. Finally, she said softly,
|
|
"Didn't you forget something?"
|
|
"What did I forget?" asked the officer.
|
|
"You forgot about the money," said the lady.
|
|
"Oh, no," said the man, standing at ramrod attention.
|
|
"A Polish officer never accepts money."
|
|
%
|
|
In the shade of the old apple tree
|
|
Where between her fat legs I could see
|
|
A little brown spot
|
|
With the hair in a knot,
|
|
And it certainly looked good to me.
|
|
|
|
I asked as I tickled her tit
|
|
If she thought that my big thing would fit.
|
|
She said it would do
|
|
So we had a good screw In the shade of the old apple tree
|
|
In the shade of the old apple tree. I got all that was coming to me.
|
|
In the soft dewy grass
|
|
I could hear the dull buzz of the bee I had a fine piece of ass
|
|
As he sunk his grub hooks into me. From a maiden that was fine to see.
|
|
Her ass it was fine
|
|
But you should have seen mine
|
|
In the shade of the old apple tree.
|
|
%
|
|
In the stands here I see a young couple who must be in love -- they're
|
|
kissing on every pitch. He's kissing her on the strikes, and she's
|
|
kissing him on the balls.
|
|
-- Harry Caray, a Chicago sportscaster
|
|
%
|
|
Incest, n:
|
|
Sibling revelry; a sport the whole family can enjoy.
|
|
%
|
|
Infatuation, n:
|
|
When you're in love, there's a lump in your throat.
|
|
When you're infatuated, there's a lump in your pants.
|
|
%
|
|
In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe
|
|
is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit.
|
|
%
|
|
====================
|
|
Inter-Dwarf Memo
|
|
To: Dwarf-list
|
|
From: Doc
|
|
Re: S. White
|
|
|
|
If that bitch cleans one more thermometer with Ajax, I'm gonna kill
|
|
her. I'll give her apples, nice big apples. With surprises inside. Yeah,
|
|
surprises.
|
|
%
|
|
====================
|
|
Inter-Dwarf Memo
|
|
To: Dwarf-list
|
|
From: Happy
|
|
Re: S. White
|
|
|
|
Let it be noted that if she whistles that goddamned song one
|
|
more time I'm gonna rip her fuckin' lips off. Have a nice day.
|
|
%
|
|
Israeli prime minister Shamir invited the Pope to play a round of golf. Since
|
|
the Pope hadn't the faintest of an idea how to play, he convened the college of
|
|
cardinals to ask their advice. "Call Arnold Palmer," they suggested, "make him
|
|
a cardinal and let him play in your place. Tell Shamir you couldn't make it."
|
|
Honored by His Holiness' request, Palmer agreed to represent him.
|
|
When he returned from the match, the Pope asked him how he had done. "I came
|
|
in second," Palmer replied.
|
|
"You mean to tell me Shamir beat you?"
|
|
"No, Your Holiness. Rabbi Nicklaus did."
|
|
%
|
|
It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be
|
|
classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck".
|
|
%
|
|
It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and
|
|
it's a pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight
|
|
into the sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.
|
|
-- Voltaire
|
|
%
|
|
It is better to have a positive Wasserman than never to have loved at all.
|
|
%
|
|
It is better to have Uranus in Cancer than to have Cancer in Uranus.
|
|
%
|
|
It is considered normal to consecrate virginity in the
|
|
general and lust for its destruction in the particular.
|
|
%
|
|
It is far better to sleep with an old hen than pullet.
|
|
%
|
|
It is impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury.
|
|
Half of them don't believe that it can physically be done, and the other
|
|
half are doing it.
|
|
-- Winston Churchill
|
|
%
|
|
It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it is one
|
|
damn thing over and over.
|
|
-- Edna St. Vincent Millay
|
|
%
|
|
It is not wise to make love more than once in the morning.
|
|
You never know who you'll meet later in the day.
|
|
%
|
|
It is one of the superstitions of the human mind
|
|
to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue.
|
|
-- Voltaire
|
|
%
|
|
It is only the man whose intellect is clouded by his sexual impulse that
|
|
could give the name of the fair sex to that undersized, narrow-shouldered,
|
|
broad-hipped, and short-legged race.
|
|
-- Schopenhauer
|
|
%
|
|
It is recounted that at King's College in the Strand around the time of the
|
|
war, the Chief of Services would inevitably begin the year's rounds by
|
|
teaching "a singularly important principle of medicine." He asked a nurse
|
|
to fetch him a sample of urine. He then talked at length about Diabetes
|
|
mellitus. "Diabetes," he said, "is a greek name; but the Romans noticed that
|
|
the bees like the urine of diabetics, so they added the word mellitus which
|
|
means sweet as honey. Well, as you know, you may find sugar in the urine
|
|
of a diabetic ..."
|
|
By now the nurse had returned with a sample of urine which the
|
|
registrar promptly held up like a trophy. We stared at that straw-colored
|
|
fluid as if we had never seen such a thing before. The registrar then
|
|
startled us. He dipped a finger boldly into the urine, then licked his
|
|
finger with the tip of his tongue. As if tasting wine, he opened and closed
|
|
his lips rapidly. Could he perhaps detect a faint taste of sugar? The sample
|
|
was passed on to us for an opinion. We all dipped a finger into the fluid,
|
|
all of us foolishly licked that finger.
|
|
"Now," said the Registrar grinning, "You have learnt the first
|
|
principle of diagnosis. I mean the power of observation." We were baffled.
|
|
We stood near the sluice room outside the ward, and in the distance, some
|
|
anonymous patient was explosively coughing. "You see," the registrar said
|
|
continuing triumphantly, "I dipped my MIDDLE finger into the urine, but
|
|
licked my INDEX finger -- not like all you chaps.
|
|
%
|
|
It is very difficult to look at the possibility of lesbian sheep because
|
|
if you are a female sheep, what you do to solicit sex is to stand still.
|
|
Maybe there is a female sheep out there really wanting another female,
|
|
but there's just no way for us to know it.
|
|
-- Anne Perkins, in her study of sexuality in sheep.
|
|
%
|
|
It may not be funny, but it's damned amusing!
|
|
%
|
|
It must be admitted that we English have sex on the brain, which is a
|
|
very unfortunate place to have it.
|
|
-- Malcolm Muggeridge
|
|
%
|
|
It seems that a rabbi, a priest and a minister decided to go fishing one
|
|
sunny afternoon. All three climbed into the boat and headed for the middle
|
|
of the lake. After several hours of relaxation, the minister decided that
|
|
"nature was calling", and climbed out of the boat and walked ashore. In
|
|
a few moments, he walked back out to the boat and climbed back in.
|
|
The rabbi was absolutely astonished, but decided not to mention
|
|
the apparent miracle.
|
|
A few minutes later, the priest also decided to go ashore for a
|
|
moment, and climbed out of the boat, walked to shore, and a few minutes
|
|
later came back.
|
|
By now the rabbi was in great distress and had begun to doubt his
|
|
beliefs and wonder if there might be some validity to the Christian
|
|
teachings. But he immediately reaffirmed the fact that his faith WAS JUST
|
|
AS STRONG as either the priest's or the minister's and decided that anything
|
|
they could do, with God's help, he could do as well.
|
|
The rabbi then announced that he needed relief and would walk to
|
|
shore. He climbed out of the boat and went straight to the bottom of the
|
|
lake. While the rabbi was thrashing about in the water, the priest turned to
|
|
the minister and said, "So... do you think we ought to tell him where the
|
|
rocks are?"
|
|
%
|
|
It seems that a Scotsman and an Irishman walked into a bar. The Scot
|
|
immediately singled out the bartender and proclaimed that drinks were
|
|
on the house, and that he expected him to serve only his best. The next
|
|
day, the headlines read: Irish Ventriloquist Beaten to Death Behind Bar.
|
|
%
|
|
It seems that John gets this phone call:
|
|
"Hello," he answers. The voice on the other end of the line
|
|
is hard and cold.
|
|
"This is Susan," he hears. "We met at a party a few months
|
|
ago.
|
|
"Of course, Susan!", John replies. "How are you?"
|
|
"Not very well. Remember how after the party you took me home and
|
|
we parked? And you told me that I was a 'good sport'? Well, I'm pregnant
|
|
and I'm going to kill myself tonight."
|
|
John is silent for a few moments, collecting his thoughts. "Well,"
|
|
he finally replies, "you sure *are* a good sport."
|
|
%
|
|
It seems that there was this Christian about to be thrown to the lions. He
|
|
was shoved into the middle of the arena and the lion was released. Being
|
|
a good Christian, as the lion approached he knelt and prayed, asking God for
|
|
forgiveness for his (few) sins, and begging that the lion might be dissuaded
|
|
from eating him for its breakfast. Much to his dismay, the lion didn't stop
|
|
but kept coming, getting faster and faster, now almost running, so the
|
|
Christian took off too. There they were, running around and around the arena,
|
|
the lion getting closer and the Christian praying harder and harder between
|
|
gasps for breath. The lions breath was now hot upon his heels and he could
|
|
even feel droplets of the lions saliva splashing on his bare feet. So he
|
|
pulled out all the stops, promising God that if the lion will only spare him,
|
|
he will devote the rest of his life to spreading the Christian faith,
|
|
forsaking all temptation and possessions. Suddenly he no longer felt the
|
|
lions breath, no longer heard the great beast's snarls close behind him.
|
|
Slowing to a stop, he turned around and saw the lion on its knees, eyes rolled
|
|
upward, paws held together. The lion appeared to be muttering something so
|
|
the Christian approached until he could make out what the lion was saying.
|
|
"Dear Lord, for what I am about to receive..."
|
|
%
|
|
It takes a brave man to admit his mistakes.
|
|
Especially in a paternity hearing.
|
|
%
|
|
It takes leather balls to play rugby.
|
|
(Blood makes the grass grow!)
|
|
%
|
|
It takes little strain and no art
|
|
To bang out an echoing fart.
|
|
The reaction is hearty
|
|
When you fart at a party,
|
|
But the sensitive persons depart.
|
|
%
|
|
It used to be a man's world, and the woman's place was in the home.
|
|
They can kiss that shit goodbye.
|
|
%
|
|
It was a female that drove me to drink
|
|
and I didn't even have the kindness to thank her.
|
|
-- R.E. Baber
|
|
%
|
|
It was a warm, sunny Sunday, and a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo.
|
|
They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and
|
|
the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife. "That gorilla is getting
|
|
excited just looking at your tits," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse
|
|
off and we'll see what he does?"
|
|
At first she refused. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took
|
|
off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and
|
|
jumping up and down.
|
|
"Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all
|
|
your clothes and we'll see what he does."
|
|
Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape
|
|
really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around
|
|
in circles and tossed his food all over the cage. The husband went over to
|
|
the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in.
|
|
"Now," said the husband, "tell that motherfucker you have a headache!"
|
|
%
|
|
It was almost closing time when a male patron who had been getting the
|
|
frosty treatment from a girl at the end of the bar called to the
|
|
bartender and said, "Give that bitchy douche bag over there one on me."
|
|
"We discourage that sort of language here, sir," the bartender
|
|
answered sternly.
|
|
"OK, OK. Serve the lady a cocktail with my compliments."
|
|
The bartender approached the female in question. "The, uh, gentleman
|
|
at the other end of the bar would like to buy you a drink, miss. What would
|
|
you like?"
|
|
"Vinegar and water."
|
|
%
|
|
It was at the eighth annual mouse convention and mice from near and far had
|
|
gathered for the ball. A pretty little female mouse waltzed by the stag
|
|
line and one of the males whistled a low, dirty whistle to himself.
|
|
Turning to another mouse he said, "Look at the legs on that bitch, aren't
|
|
they beautiful?"
|
|
"Just fair," was the answer.
|
|
"You're crazy," said the first mouse and then turning to another,
|
|
asked his opinion.
|
|
"They're nice," said the third mouse, "but nothing to get excited
|
|
about."
|
|
"Some mice have no appreciation," exclaimed the first mouse. "Now
|
|
you," he said to a fourth mouse, "what did you think?"
|
|
"To tell you the truth," was the reply, "I'm no authority on legs;
|
|
I'm a tit mouse myself."
|
|
%
|
|
It was her wedding night, and the sweet young thing was in a romantic haze.
|
|
"Oh, darling," she sighed, "We're married at last. It's all like a wonderful
|
|
dream!"
|
|
Her husband didn't answer. A few moments passed. She sighed again
|
|
and said, "I'm afraid I'll awake in a moment and find it isn't true."
|
|
Still no response from her spouse. Another pause and another
|
|
sensuous sigh, then, softly, "I just can't believe that I'm really your
|
|
wife."
|
|
"Damn it," growled her mate, "as soon as I get this shoelace untied,
|
|
you will!"
|
|
%
|
|
It was his third marriage and her fourth. He was quite surprised when on
|
|
their honeymoon she pleaded, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
|
|
"Darling, what do you mean you're still a virgin? You've been
|
|
married three times."
|
|
"Yes, but they all worked for DEC. The first was a salesman,
|
|
and all he ever did was promise how good it would be. The second was one
|
|
of their software hacks, he told me to take care of it myself. And the
|
|
third was a field service representative, and he kept promising that it
|
|
would be up in 15 minutes.
|
|
%
|
|
It was New Year's Eve and the house was brightly decorated with holiday
|
|
trappings. The only sound that broke the quiet was the click of Grandma's
|
|
knitting needles. The children; Jane, eight and Mary, five, were seated
|
|
in front of a cheerily burning fire, leafing through a picture book.
|
|
Tiring of this, they went over to Grandma's rocker. Jane climbed up on
|
|
the arm of the chair and Mary snuggled into Grandma's cozy lap.
|
|
"Tell us a story," begged Mary.
|
|
"Oh," said the old lady, laying aside her knitting and wrapping
|
|
her arms around the children. "What story should I tell you?"
|
|
"Tell us our favorite story," whispered little Jane eagerly.
|
|
"About the time you were a hooker in Chicago."
|
|
%
|
|
It was on the tip of my tongue to tell them about the deer, but I ended up
|
|
not doing it. That was one thing I kept to myself. I've never spoken or
|
|
written of it until just now, today. And I have to tell you that it seems
|
|
a lesser thing written down, damn near inconsequential. But for me it was
|
|
the best part of that trip, the cleanest part, and it was a moment I found
|
|
myself returning to, almost helplessly, when there was trouble in my life --
|
|
my first day in the bush in Vietnam, and this fellow walked into the clearing
|
|
where we were with his hand over his nose and when he took his hand away there
|
|
was no nose there because it had been shot off; the time the doctor told us
|
|
our youngest son might be hydrocephalic (he turned out just to have an
|
|
oversized head, thank God); the long crazy weeks before my mother died. I
|
|
would find my thoughts turning back to that morning, the scuffed suede of
|
|
her ears, the white flash of her tail. But eight hundred million Red Chinese
|
|
don't give a shit, right? The most important things are the hardest to say,
|
|
because words diminish them. It's hard to make strangers care about the
|
|
good things in your life.
|
|
-- Stephen King, "The Body"
|
|
%
|
|
It was the first day of a new term at Princeton, and a Texas A&M freshman
|
|
was learning his way around the campus. Stopping a distinguished looking
|
|
upperclassman, he inquired,
|
|
"Say, buddy, can you tell me where the library is at?"
|
|
"My good fellow," came the reply, "at Princeton we do not end our
|
|
sentences with a preposition."
|
|
"All right," said the freshman, "can you tell me where the library
|
|
is at, asshole?"
|
|
%
|
|
It was this guy's first day in the penitentiary; he was in a cell with a
|
|
huge burley inmate, and he was pretty nervous. At lights-out, the inmate
|
|
jumped out of his bunk, and, turning to our hero, said, "We're going to
|
|
have sex! You want to be the Mommy or the Daddy?"
|
|
A very terrified hero managed to squeak out, "Uh, well, uh, I guess
|
|
I'll be the Daddy."
|
|
"OK," smiled his roommate, "get down here and suck your Momma's dick!"
|
|
%
|
|
It's a bit hard to bullshit the ocean. It's not listening, you know
|
|
what I mean.
|
|
-- David Crosby
|
|
%
|
|
It's a bitch being butch.
|
|
%
|
|
It's a funny thing that when a woman hasn't got anything
|
|
on earth to worry about, she goes off and gets married.
|
|
%
|
|
It's a question of Napleon brandy versus Ripple.
|
|
I am mellow and amber and I go down real smooth.
|
|
-- Rita Moreno, commenting in Newsweek on the sex appeal
|
|
of older women versus younger women
|
|
%
|
|
"It's always the same," the girl sighed to her roommate after returning
|
|
in the wee, small hours. "Afterward, I feel so compromised, so cheap, so
|
|
soiled... so absolutely wonderful from head to toe!"
|
|
%
|
|
It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up.
|
|
-- Joan Rivers
|
|
%
|
|
It's better to be pissed off than pissed on.
|
|
%
|
|
It's hard to keep a good girl down -- but lots of fun trying.
|
|
%
|
|
It's midnight. The old man is awake, nervously pacing the floor, as his
|
|
20-year-old son comes in.
|
|
|
|
"Whatta you mean? You staya out alla night, you runna around widda
|
|
bums. Whatta you trying to do?"
|
|
"Papa, don't talk like that," replies the boy.
|
|
"Who-a you, tella me notta talka like that? You no work, you
|
|
chase-a bad women, whatta become of you?"
|
|
"Papa, *please* don't talk like that."
|
|
"Don'ta talka like that? Whatta you mean? Why shouldn't I talka
|
|
likka that?"
|
|
"Papa, we're not Italian."
|
|
%
|
|
It's not a sin not to be Irish, but it is a great shame.
|
|
-- Sean O'Huiginn
|
|
%
|
|
It's not pretty being easy.
|
|
%
|
|
It's not the ups and downs of love, it's the ins and outs.
|
|
%
|
|
It's so fuckin' great to be alive!
|
|
%
|
|
It's the sighs that count.
|
|
%
|
|
I've been feeling kind of jealous,
|
|
Of all them well-hung fellas,
|
|
Like Michael, Rod, and Mick. It would have to be a big one,
|
|
Tell me, Doctor can you mend me? A giant, horny love gun,
|
|
I've a case of penis envy -- To let me be a jock.
|
|
If I only had a dick. Girls would never beg my pardon,
|
|
They would turn on to my hardon --
|
|
If I only had a cock.
|
|
Oh, I can tell you now,
|
|
The number of times I'd score,
|
|
I could fuck girls like I would not be just a housewife,
|
|
I never have before, Living a little mouse-life
|
|
And then I'd cum (wee!) In days that drag out long.
|
|
And fuck some more! I would dance and I'd be merry
|
|
Life would be a ding-a-derry
|
|
If I only had a dong!
|
|
-- to "If I Only Had A Brain", The Wizard of Oz
|
|
%
|
|
I've been told that it's far more sensuous to have a woman leave something
|
|
on rather than being totally nude. Myself, I've always felt that the lights
|
|
were more than enough.
|
|
%
|
|
I've been watching you closely to see if you have been good this year;
|
|
and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me
|
|
to leave under your tree on Christmas. I was going to bring you all the
|
|
gifts from the twelve days of Christmas, but we had a little problem up here.
|
|
The twelve fiddlers fiddling have all come down with V.D. from fiddling with
|
|
the ten ladies dancing, the eleven lords-a-leaping have knocked up the eight
|
|
maids-a-milking, and the nine pipers piping have been arrested for doing
|
|
weird things to the seven swans-a-swimming and the six geese-a-laying. The
|
|
four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and the partridge
|
|
in the pear tree have me up to my ass in birdshit. On top of all this, Mrs.
|
|
Claus is going through menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves
|
|
have joined gay liberation, and those dumb ass Polacks have scheduled
|
|
Christmas for the fifth of February. I'll do what I can.
|
|
Sincerely,
|
|
Santa
|
|
%
|
|
I've finally found the perfect girl,
|
|
I couldn't ask for more,
|
|
She's deaf and dumb and over-sexed,
|
|
And owns a liquor store.
|
|
%
|
|
I've got Hubert's pecker in my pocket.
|
|
-- Lyndon B. Johnson
|
|
|
|
Don't see 'em this big out here, do they?
|
|
-- Lyndon B. Johnson, exposing himself to reporters in a
|
|
public toilet during a tour of the Far East
|
|
%
|
|
Jack an Jill went up the hill.
|
|
Jill went down,
|
|
Jack came.
|
|
%
|
|
Jack and Jill went up a hill
|
|
To fetch a pail of water.
|
|
Jack fell down and broke his crown Jack on Jill produced a thrill
|
|
And Jill came tumbling after. When on the ground he got her,
|
|
Then went down and told the town
|
|
He tumbled Jill and gaffed her.
|
|
Jack to Jill thus did such ill
|
|
That Jill, to pay the rotter,
|
|
Told the town Jack's crown broke down Jack and Jill have split the bill
|
|
When he set out to shaft her. Since Jack led Jill to totter.
|
|
Half the town deals Jill a frown
|
|
And half greets Jack with laughter.
|
|
%
|
|
Jack and Jill went up the hill
|
|
Each had a buck and a quarter.
|
|
Jill came down with two and a half --
|
|
And you thought that they went for water.
|
|
%
|
|
Jack and Jill
|
|
Went up the hill,
|
|
Each had a buck and a quarter!
|
|
Jill came down,
|
|
With two and a half,
|
|
You think they went for water?
|
|
%
|
|
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick.
|
|
Jack jumped over the candle stick,
|
|
And burnt his balls.
|
|
%
|
|
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick,
|
|
Jack jumped over the candle stick.
|
|
But Jack wasn't so nimble,
|
|
Jack wasn't so quick,
|
|
So Jack's in the hospital, with a burned up dick!
|
|
%
|
|
Jehovah is an alien and still threatens this planet!
|
|
%
|
|
Jesus died for your sins... make it worth his time.
|
|
%
|
|
Jesus has just stopped the crowd from stoning Mary Magdalene to death
|
|
and is berating the self-pious with the famous speech, "Let the one
|
|
among you who is without sin cast the first stone..."
|
|
Right about then, a rock comes winging through the air and hits
|
|
Jesus upside the head. He whirls around and shouts "Alright, Mom, c'mon!
|
|
I'm trying to make a point, here!"
|
|
%
|
|
Jesus loves you, but everybody else thinks you're a dork.
|
|
%
|
|
Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
|
|
-- Michael O'Donohugh
|
|
%
|
|
Jesus Never Fails
|
|
|
|
(He's never taken the Massachusetts Bar Exam, either.)
|
|
%
|
|
Jesus Saves!
|
|
|
|
(And Esposito scores on the rebound!)
|
|
%
|
|
Jesus Saves,
|
|
Moses Invests,
|
|
But only Buddha pays Dividends.
|
|
%
|
|
Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority.
|
|
%
|
|
Jews always know two things: suffering and where to find great Chinese food.
|
|
-- From the movie "My Favorite Year".
|
|
%
|
|
Jimmy Carter, Ted Kennedy, Gary Hart, Joseph Biden and Michael Dukakis were
|
|
on a cruise down the Potomac when the ship struck a rock and began to sink.
|
|
"Gentlemen," Carter said, "as good Christians, we should let the
|
|
women and children aboard the lifeboats first."
|
|
"Fuck the women!" Kennedy shouted.
|
|
"Do we have time?" Hart asked.
|
|
"Do we have time?" Biden asked.
|
|
"Did everyone hear that?" Dukakis asked.
|
|
%
|
|
Joan of Arc is alive and medium well.
|
|
%
|
|
John Paul II is famous for his touring, and his quaint habit of pressing
|
|
his lips to foreign soil on his arrival. This sparked some wit to remark:
|
|
"The Pope has it backwards: he kisses the ground, and walks on
|
|
the women!"
|
|
%
|
|
Johnny Carson's Observation on Geriatrics:
|
|
Sex in the sixties is great, but it improves if you pull
|
|
over to the side of the road.
|
|
%
|
|
Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you get
|
|
a prompt, type like hell.
|
|
%
|
|
Just once I would like to persuade the audience not to wear any article of
|
|
blue denim. If only they could see themselves in a pair of brown corduroys
|
|
like mine instead of this awful, boring blue denim. I don't enjoy the sky
|
|
or sea as much as I used to because of this Levi character. If Jesus Christ
|
|
came back today, He and I would get into our brown corduroys and go to the
|
|
nearest jean store and overturn the racks of blue denim. Then we'd get
|
|
crucified in the morning.
|
|
-- Ian Anderson, of Jethro Tull
|
|
%
|
|
Kansas, where the men are men, the sheep
|
|
are scared and the women are grateful.
|
|
%
|
|
kasha, n:
|
|
Kasha is always defined as "buckwheat groats". There's only one
|
|
problem with this definition: what the fuck are "buckwheat groats"?
|
|
I know what they are -- they're kasha. But that doesn't help you
|
|
much.
|
|
-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
|
|
%
|
|
Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College:
|
|
Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex
|
|
for the students, and parking for the faculty.
|
|
%
|
|
King Louis gave a lesson in class,
|
|
One time while enjoying a lass.
|
|
When she used the word "Damn"
|
|
He rebuked her: "Please ma'am,
|
|
Keep a more civil tongue in my ass."
|
|
%
|
|
Kissing, petting, and even intercourse are all right as long as they are
|
|
sincere. I have never given a kiss in my life that wasn't sincere. As
|
|
for intercourse, I'd say three times a day was about right.
|
|
-- Margaret Sangor
|
|
%
|
|
Kitten with a whip, Teddy bear in chains, Puss in leather boots,
|
|
tail, swish swish, spread on a bed; rising thigh high;
|
|
take what you will, fantasy games, black rubber suits;
|
|
get what you wish. deep in your head. making him cry.
|
|
|
|
Squirm from the blows, Now pussy's all hot, Teddy bear sighs;
|
|
writhe from the pain; from the power trip; kitty's on top;
|
|
but teddy bear knows, ready or not, there's fire in her eyes,
|
|
that he wants it again. next swing's from and the cat won't stop.
|
|
the hip.
|
|
|
|
The world explodes, Teddy's still tied; Kitten with a whip,
|
|
her claws dig in; lying all alone; tail, swish swish,
|
|
then kitty cat goes, even if he tried, take what you will,
|
|
cause she's through he couldn't go home. get what you wish.
|
|
with him.
|
|
-- Kitten With A Whip
|
|
%
|
|
Knowledge Engineering:
|
|
|
|
A combination of:
|
|
|
|
Engineering, n:
|
|
The application of science and mathematics by which the properties
|
|
of matter and the sources of energy in nature are made useful to man in
|
|
structures, machines, products, systems and processes.
|
|
|
|
and
|
|
|
|
Knowledge, n:
|
|
Sexual intercourse.
|
|
|
|
See also: Prostitution, Grantsmanship.
|
|
%
|
|
Konrad Lorenz, the great animal behaviorist, was scrupulous about cultivating
|
|
fruitful confusion. Lorenz lived among his research subjects: dozens of
|
|
species of mammals, birds, reptiles, and fishes. He did not quantify, control,
|
|
or consciously experiment. He got to know each creature individually, then
|
|
threw them together, watching for the unexpected, the unusual, or the bizarre
|
|
in the chaos that followed. For example, his interest in one of ethology's
|
|
most important concepts, that of intention movements (motions with meaning,
|
|
such as the head bobbing in birds that serves as an alarm signal before
|
|
flight), derived from an inadvertent experiment. He had trained a free-flying
|
|
raven to eat raw meat from his hand and had been feeding the bird for several
|
|
hours one day. He would reach into his pants pocket and take out a piece of
|
|
meat, and the raven would swoop down to grab it in its bill. By and by, Lorenz
|
|
went to relieve himself near a hedge. When the raven saw him put his hand
|
|
into his pants and pull out another morsel of meat, it swooped down, hungrily
|
|
grasping the new mouthful in its bill. Lorenz howled in pain. But the event
|
|
left a deep impression on him -- about how faithfully animals respond to
|
|
intention movements, that is.
|
|
-- The Sciences, May/June, 1988, N.Y. Academy of Science.
|
|
%
|
|
Kotex, n:
|
|
Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best.
|
|
%
|
|
Kumquat, n:
|
|
Any of several small citrus fruits with sweet spongy rind and
|
|
somewhat acidic pulp that are used chiefly for preserves.
|
|
Extremely popular in some forms of sexual intercourse. In fact,
|
|
an early indication that your partner is willing to experiment
|
|
sexually may be a rather insistent moaning of "kumquat, kumquat"
|
|
during orgasm.
|
|
|
|
Note: this is *not* to be confused with a warning from your
|
|
partner that his/her parents are upstairs and probably awake.
|
|
%
|
|
Labia majora, n:
|
|
The curly gates.
|
|
%
|
|
Lady to Golf Pro: "I was stung by bees on your golf course!"
|
|
Pro: "Ummm, well, where?"
|
|
Lady: "Between the 1st and 2nd holes."
|
|
Pro: "That's going to real tough to treat."
|
|
%
|
|
lagnaf, n:
|
|
Let's All Get Naked And Fuck!
|
|
%
|
|
Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone.
|
|
%
|
|
"Last night," said a lassie named Ruth,
|
|
"In a long-distance telephone booth,
|
|
I enjoyed the perfection
|
|
Of an ideal connection --
|
|
I was screwed, if you must know the truth."
|
|
%
|
|
Last week I saw a girl in a sweater so tight I could hardly breathe.
|
|
%
|
|
lawyer, n:
|
|
Someone who can get a sodomy charge changed to "following too
|
|
closely."
|
|
%
|
|
Lawyers do it to everyone.
|
|
%
|
|
Left a good broad by the river,
|
|
Traveled back into town just to get some rest!
|
|
Waited for 10 hours,
|
|
Went back to the river,
|
|
But I couldn't get her out of that mess!
|
|
|
|
chorus:
|
|
Poor Mary Jo Kopechne,
|
|
Dead Mary Jo Kopechne,
|
|
Rollin'... rollin'... rollin' down the window!
|
|
|
|
If you're gonna run for office,
|
|
And you know that it's an election year.
|
|
Don't go in the river,
|
|
'Specially by way of bridges,
|
|
It could put an end to your political career!
|
|
(chorus)
|
|
-- Poor Mary Jo, to the tune of "Proud Mary"
|
|
%
|
|
"Lemme show ya the odds, Sparky... In yer country, ya got 14 million black
|
|
people, and 3 million white people. Now, does the name `Custer' mean anything
|
|
to you?"
|
|
-- Robin Williams, portraying Lester Maddox talking to Prime
|
|
Minister Botha of South Africa.
|
|
%
|
|
Les salons de la ville de Trieste
|
|
Sont vaseux, suraigus, at funestes;
|
|
Parmi les grandes chaises
|
|
On cause des malaises,
|
|
Des estropiements, et des pestes.
|
|
-- Edward Gorey
|
|
%
|
|
Let a Field Service Engineer put it in.
|
|
%
|
|
Liberace was at heaven's gate when Saint Peter told him that he'd been
|
|
disqualified from entering.
|
|
Stunned, Liberace asked, "Why?"
|
|
"Our records show that you once ate a parakeet," Saint Peter answered.
|
|
"I never did that," Liberace replied. "Can't you check your records?
|
|
They *must* be wrong!"
|
|
"It says right here that on August 15, 1981, you ate a chartreuse
|
|
parakeet with black trim."
|
|
"Hey, listen, you must be thinking of Ozzy Osbourne, " Liberace
|
|
replied. "Now, I might have had a cockatoo..."
|
|
%
|
|
LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
|
|
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with
|
|
reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay. Chances for
|
|
employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women are
|
|
prostitutes. All Libra people die of Venereal disease.
|
|
%
|
|
Lick-a-dee-clit!
|
|
%
|
|
Life is a bitch, but the puppies can be cute.
|
|
%
|
|
Life is a shit sandwich, and every day you get to take another bite.
|
|
It's just that some days are TWO BITE days ...
|
|
%
|
|
Life is having a mother-in-law that sucks and a wife that don't.
|
|
-- Rodney Dangerfield
|
|
%
|
|
Life is like a cucumber -- one moment it's
|
|
in your hand, the next it's up your ass.
|
|
%
|
|
Life is like a penis: when it's soft you
|
|
can't beat it, and when it's hard you get fucked.
|
|
%
|
|
Life is like a shit sandwich. The more bread
|
|
you have, the less shit you have to eat.
|
|
%
|
|
Life is not a cabaret.
|
|
It's a fucking circus.
|
|
%
|
|
Life isn't a bitch. Life is a virgin. A bitch is easy.
|
|
%
|
|
Like private parts to the Gods are we,
|
|
they play with us for their sport.
|
|
-- Lord Melchett (Blackadder 2)
|
|
%
|
|
Limericks are art forms complex,
|
|
Their topics run chiefly to sex.
|
|
They usually have virgins,
|
|
And masculine urgin's,
|
|
And other erotic effects.
|
|
%
|
|
Lipstick on your dipstick told a tale on you,
|
|
Lipstick on your dipstick said you were untrue.
|
|
Bet your bottom dollar you and I are through,
|
|
'Cause lipstick on your dipstick told a tale on you.
|
|
-- To the tune of "Lipstick On Your Collar"
|
|
%
|
|
Lisp hackers
|
|
... do it in CARS.
|
|
... do it with tail recursion.
|
|
... first do it in the front, then do it in the back.
|
|
... have DEFUN while doing it.
|
|
... have to be bound to do it.
|
|
... have Moby dicks.
|
|
%
|
|
Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it) ...
|
|
%
|
|
Lisp programmers do it deeper and deeper and deeper.
|
|
%
|
|
Little Boy Blew... he needed the money.
|
|
%
|
|
LITTLE DEATH: (la petite mort) Some women do indeed pass right out, the
|
|
'little death' of French poetry. Men occasionally do the same. The
|
|
experience is not unpleasant, but it can scare an inexperienced partner
|
|
cold. A friend of ours had this happen with the first girl he ever slept
|
|
with. On recovery she explained, "I am awfully sorry, but I always do that."
|
|
By then he had called the police and an ambulance. So there is no cause
|
|
for alarm, any more than over the yells, convulsions, hysterical laughter,
|
|
or sobbing, or any of the other quite unexpected reactions that go along
|
|
with complete orgasm in some people. By contrast others simply shut their
|
|
eyes, but enjoy it no less. Sound and fury can be a flattering testimony
|
|
to a partners skills, but a fallacious one, because they don't depend on the
|
|
intensity of feeling, nor it upon them.
|
|
-- The Joy of Sex
|
|
%
|
|
Little Herbie had been blind since birth. One day at bedtime, his mother
|
|
told him that the next day was a very special one. If he prayed extra
|
|
hard, he'd be able to see when he woke up the next morning. The next
|
|
morning she came into Herbie's room and asked him if he'd prayed hard
|
|
the night before.
|
|
"Yes, Mommie," was his reply, "all night long!"
|
|
"Well, then," she said, "open your eyes and you'll know that
|
|
your prayers have been answered."
|
|
Little Herbie opened his eyes, only to cry out,
|
|
"Mother! Mother! I still can't see!"
|
|
"I know, dear," said his mother, "April Fool."
|
|
%
|
|
Little Johnny with a grin,
|
|
Drank up all of daddy's gin,
|
|
Mother said, when he was plastered,
|
|
Go to bed, you little love-child.
|
|
%
|
|
Little known facts: the dirtiest words used on television during the
|
|
1950's were uttered by June Cleaver.
|
|
"Gee, Ward, weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night?"
|
|
%
|
|
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
|
|
Eating her curds and whey.
|
|
Along came a spider,
|
|
And bit her right in the snatch.
|
|
%
|
|
Little Miss Muffet, sat on a tuffet,
|
|
Eating her curds and whey.
|
|
Along came a spider,
|
|
Who sat down beside her,
|
|
And said, "What's in the bowl, bitch?"
|
|
%
|
|
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
|
|
Her knickers all tattered and torn.
|
|
For it wasn't a spider that sat down beside her,
|
|
But Little Boy Blue with his horn!
|
|
%
|
|
Little Miss Muffet,
|
|
Sat on her tuffet,
|
|
Smoking some THC.
|
|
Along came a narc'er who sat down beside her
|
|
And said, "So... what's in the bag, bitch?!"
|
|
%
|
|
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods on her way to visit
|
|
her grandmother when a wolf jumped out from behind a tree.
|
|
"Aha!" the wolf said, "Now I've got you, and I'm going to eat you."
|
|
"Eat, eat, eat," said Little Red Riding Hood angrily,
|
|
"Damn it, doesn't anybody fuck anymore?"
|
|
%
|
|
Long, long ago, in the Old West, a rancher rode into town to buy supplies.
|
|
When he returned, he found that his whole family had been killed, his wife
|
|
raped, his house burned, and all his cattle rustled. When he told his
|
|
distant neighbors about the tragedy, a few of them reported that the only
|
|
stranger they had seen in the area for weeks was a tall desperado wearing a
|
|
black hat and a red neckerchief.
|
|
The cowboy saddled his fastest horse and set out to find the villian.
|
|
He searched for months but couldn't catch up with the culprit; in town after
|
|
dusty town he was told that a man fitting the description had been there but
|
|
had just departed; usually after some heinous crime.
|
|
One evening after a hard day's ride he came into a town, tied his
|
|
horse, and entered the saloon. At a table in the corner sat an ugly man,
|
|
with a black hat and a red neckerchief! Slowly the cowboy stalked up to
|
|
this man, his hands resting upon his guns.
|
|
"Are you the man who killed my family, raped my wife, burned my
|
|
house and rustled my cattle?"
|
|
"Probably; after so many, how can I be sure?" snarled the bandit.
|
|
"You better cut that shit out!"
|
|
%
|
|
Look out for yourself -- or they'll pee on your grave.
|
|
-- Louis B. Mayer
|
|
|
|
The reason so many people showed up at Louis B. Mayer's funeral
|
|
was because they wanted to make sure he was dead.
|
|
-- Samuel Goldwyn
|
|
%
|
|
Love comes in spurts.
|
|
--Devo, "Please Please"
|
|
%
|
|
Love is blind but desire doesn't give a good goddam.
|
|
-- James Thurber
|
|
%
|
|
Love is eating her even when she's not having her period.
|
|
%
|
|
Love is just for now ... herpes lasts forever.
|
|
%
|
|
Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin -- it's the triumphant
|
|
twang of a bedspring.
|
|
-- S.J. Perelman
|
|
%
|
|
Love is two minutes and fifty-two seconds of squishy sounds.
|
|
-- Johnny Rotten
|
|
%
|
|
Love letters no longer they write us,
|
|
To their homes they so seldom invite us.
|
|
It grieves me to say,
|
|
They have learned with dismay,
|
|
We can't cure their `vulva pruritus'.
|
|
%
|
|
Luser, n:
|
|
Someone who picks up a female
|
|
hitch-hiker walking home from a date.
|
|
%
|
|
Ma Bell runs a baudy house.
|
|
%
|
|
Macho, adj:
|
|
Jogging home from a vasectomy.
|
|
%
|
|
Male, n:
|
|
Life support system for a cock.
|
|
%
|
|
Man in stall:
|
|
Hey, buddy? Is there any toilet paper out there?
|
|
Man at sink:
|
|
No, I don't see any. Just a second... Nope, none in
|
|
any of the other stalls either.
|
|
A minute passes.
|
|
Man in stall:
|
|
Say, buddy?
|
|
Man at sink:
|
|
Yeah?
|
|
Man in stall:
|
|
You got change for a ten?
|
|
%
|
|
Man who dance in crowded ballroom
|
|
dance cheek to cheek with woman behind him.
|
|
%
|
|
Man who keep money in jockstrap has financial matters all balled up.
|
|
%
|
|
Man's lust for a bust is hardly recent,
|
|
Some say not even indecent.
|
|
But if you lust,
|
|
It's a must!
|
|
%
|
|
Many a bachelor feels the need to insert his masculinity.
|
|
%
|
|
Many a man has decided to stay alive not because of the will to live, but
|
|
because of the determination not to give assorted surviving bastards the
|
|
satisfaction of his death.
|
|
-- Brendan Francis
|
|
%
|
|
Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would
|
|
not have chosen a suit by it.
|
|
-- Maurice Chevalier
|
|
%
|
|
Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the
|
|
whole girl.
|
|
-- Stephen Leacock
|
|
%
|
|
Many a man who thinks he's going on a maiden voyage with
|
|
a woman finds out later that it was just a shake-down cruise.
|
|
%
|
|
Many a sober Christian would rather admit that a wafer is God than that God
|
|
is a cruel and capricious tyrant.
|
|
-- Edward Gibbon
|
|
%
|
|
Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover.
|
|
But she can never catch him at it.
|
|
%
|
|
Many a woman hasn't realized that she was raped until the check bounced.
|
|
%
|
|
Many nice things suck.
|
|
%
|
|
Marijuana is like Coors beer. If you could buy the damn stuff
|
|
at a Georgia filling station, you'd decide you wouldn't want it.
|
|
-- Billy Carter
|
|
%
|
|
Marlene wanted Joy to relent,
|
|
She said, "AIDS is so hard to prevent.
|
|
If you want to get laid,
|
|
Then we'll have to tribade!"
|
|
(But Joy didn't know what she meant.)
|
|
%
|
|
Marriage has driven more than one man to sex.
|
|
-- Peter De Vries
|
|
%
|
|
Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out,
|
|
you lose interest.
|
|
-- Professor Irwin Corey
|
|
%
|
|
Mary had a little lamb,
|
|
boy was the doctor surprised!
|
|
%
|
|
Mary had a little lamb,
|
|
It's fleece as white as snow.
|
|
It followed her to school one day,
|
|
And got fucked by a big black dog.
|
|
%
|
|
Mary had a little lamb,
|
|
She kept it in a bucket.
|
|
And every time she let it out,
|
|
The bulldog used to
|
|
Chase it around the garden.
|
|
%
|
|
Mary had a little lamb,
|
|
The lamb turned out to be a ram,
|
|
Now Mary has a little lamb.
|
|
%
|
|
Mary had a little sheep,
|
|
And with the sheep she went to sleep,
|
|
The sheep turned out to be a ram,
|
|
And Mary had a little lamb.
|
|
%
|
|
Mary had a little watch;
|
|
She swallowed it one day.
|
|
And so she took some Ex-Lax
|
|
To pass the time away.
|
|
|
|
But when she took the Ex-Lax
|
|
The time it did not pass.
|
|
So when you want to know the time,
|
|
Just look up Mary's ...
|
|
Uncle, he has a watch, too.
|
|
%
|
|
Masturbation! The amazing availability of it!
|
|
-- James Joyce
|
|
%
|
|
masturbation, n:
|
|
A self-service elevator.
|
|
%
|
|
masturbation, n:
|
|
Coming unscrewed.
|
|
%
|
|
Math is to physics like masturbation is to sex.
|
|
%
|
|
Mathematicians
|
|
... do it in groups.
|
|
... do it in theory.
|
|
... take it to the limit.
|
|
%
|
|
Mathematicians do it with a small, imaginary part.
|
|
%
|
|
Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is
|
|
described as being n-dimensional. Like modern sex, any number can play.
|
|
-- James Blish, "Beep/The Quincunx of Time"
|
|
%
|
|
May a deranged midget on a pogo stick
|
|
take refuge in your sister's hoop skirt.
|
|
%
|
|
May a diseased yak take a liking to your sister.
|
|
%
|
|
May all the boys you fall in love with fall in love with boys themselves.
|
|
%
|
|
May all the girls you fall in love with fall in love with girls themselves.
|
|
%
|
|
May Allah blow sand in your Preparation H.
|
|
%
|
|
May the fairy god-camel leave a lump on your pillow!
|
|
%
|
|
Maybe if the guy who developed Twinkies hadn't had such a low
|
|
opinion of himself they would have been an inch or two longer!
|
|
%
|
|
McCoy's a seducer galore,
|
|
And of virgins he has quite a score.
|
|
He tells them, "My dear,
|
|
You're the Final Frontier,
|
|
Where man never has gone before."
|
|
%
|
|
McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
|
|
If an item is advertised as "under $50",
|
|
you can bet your ass it's not $19.95.
|
|
%
|
|
McQuillan was on the stand. The case involved a railroad and several of
|
|
the passengers who were injured.
|
|
"You say," thundered the counsel for the railroad, "that you saw
|
|
the two trains crash head on while doing sixty miles an hour. What did you
|
|
think when you saw this happen ?"
|
|
"I thought," replied the Irishman, "this is one *helluva* way to run
|
|
a railroad."
|
|
%
|
|
Me father makes book on the corner,
|
|
Me mother makes second hand gin,
|
|
Me sister makes love for a dollar,
|
|
And that's how the money rolls in!
|
|
|
|
Rolls in, rolls in, just look how the money rolls in!
|
|
(Rolls in!)
|
|
Rolls in, rolls in, just look how the money rolls in!
|
|
|
|
Me father sells cheap prophylactics,
|
|
Me mum pokes the tips with a pin,
|
|
Me sister performs the abortions,
|
|
And that's how the money rolls in!
|
|
|
|
Me uncle's a poor missionary,
|
|
He saves fallen women from sin.
|
|
He'll save you a blonde for five dollars,
|
|
And that's how the money rolls in.
|
|
%
|
|
Me, I love the rich. *Somebody* has to love them. Sure, a lot
|
|
of rich people are assholes, but believe me, a lot of poor people
|
|
are assholes too. And an asshole with money can at least pay
|
|
for his own drinks.
|
|
-- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
|
|
%
|
|
Meanwhile back at the oasis, the Ay-rabs wuz busy a-eatin' their dates!
|
|
%
|
|
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Granny was a-beating off the Indians, but
|
|
they jus' kept on a-comin'. Back at the outhouse, things were a-pilin' up.
|
|
And, as the U.S. Fourth Calvary mounted the hill, Tonto, cleverly disguised
|
|
as a doorknob, came off in the Lone Ranger's hand.
|
|
%
|
|
Meet Elmer, young son of the Thorpes,
|
|
Afflicted with psychotic warps.
|
|
His idea of fun
|
|
Is to bugger a nun,
|
|
And then vomit all over the corpse.
|
|
%
|
|
Megaton Man: "LOOK at them! Helpless, tender creatures, relying on
|
|
ME, waiting for ME to make my move!"
|
|
|
|
(from below): "Move your ASS, Fat-head!"
|
|
|
|
Megaton Man: "It is a MANDATE, and I am DUTY BOUND to OBEY!"
|
|
%
|
|
Men -- can't live with 'em, can't leave
|
|
'em by the curb when you're done.
|
|
%
|
|
Men have many faults,
|
|
Women only two:
|
|
Everything they say,
|
|
And everything they do!
|
|
%
|
|
Men will fuck mud.
|
|
-- Lenny Bruce
|
|
%
|
|
menage a trois, n:
|
|
Using both hands to masturbate.
|
|
%
|
|
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's magazines
|
|
also often feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the female
|
|
body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and
|
|
should not be seen by the light of day.
|
|
-- Richard Roeper, "Men and Women Are Different"
|
|
%
|
|
Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and it
|
|
has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin very
|
|
closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently tracing
|
|
the slender curve of her calves, then moving up to her ...
|
|
|
|
[EDITOR'S NOTE: To make room for news articles about important
|
|
world events such as agriculture, we're going to delete the
|
|
next few square feet of the woman's skin. Thank you.]
|
|
|
|
... until finally the two of you are lying there, spent, smoking your
|
|
cigarettes, and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of
|
|
billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"! And what is even more
|
|
interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying! This is a fact. Your
|
|
skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the older veteran cells,
|
|
who have finally worked their way to the top and obtained offices with nice
|
|
views, are constantly being shoved out the window head first, without so
|
|
much as a pension plan, by younger hotshot cells moving up from below.
|
|
-- Dave Barry
|
|
%
|
|
Meteorologist, n:
|
|
A man who can look in a woman's eyes and predict whether.
|
|
%
|
|
Mickey Mouse has a long talk one day with a psychiatrist, after which
|
|
the psychiatrist interviews Minnie Mouse. A few days later Mickey meets
|
|
with the psychiatrist, and the following conversation ensues:
|
|
|
|
Sigmund : I talked with Minnie after talking with you.
|
|
Mickey : Oh?
|
|
Sigmund : I couldn't find anything wrong with her -- she isn't insane.
|
|
Mickey : Idiot! I didn't say she was insane -- I said she was
|
|
fuckin' Goofy.
|
|
%
|
|
Miguel Cervantes wrote Donkey Hote. Milton wrote Paradise Lost, then his
|
|
wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
|
|
%
|
|
"Mind you, not as bad as the night Archie Pettigrew ate some sheep's
|
|
testicles for a bet... God, that bloody sheep kicked him!"
|
|
-- Ripping Yarns
|
|
%
|
|
Missed the train at the railway station
|
|
Oh hell, blast, and damnation!
|
|
Asked a lady in there if she had the time,
|
|
She said "Yes", and a strong inclination.
|
|
%
|
|
Missionary position:
|
|
The missionary on top.
|
|
%
|
|
Mistress Mary, quite contrary,
|
|
How does your garden grow?
|
|
With silver bells and cockle shells,
|
|
And one really fucked-up petunia.
|
|
%
|
|
Mistress, n:
|
|
Something between a mister and a mattress.
|
|
%
|
|
mixed emotions:
|
|
Watching your mother-in-law back off a cliff...
|
|
in your brand new Mercedes.
|
|
%
|
|
Montana:
|
|
Where men are men and women are sheep.
|
|
%
|
|
Moody bitch in search of...
|
|
kind, considerate, loving man. Objective, love-hate relationship.
|
|
%
|
|
Moody bitch with attitude, seeks nice,
|
|
good-looking guy to dump on.
|
|
%
|
|
Morris left for a two-day business trip to Chicago. He was only a few
|
|
blocks from his house, when he realized that he had left the airplane
|
|
tickets on his bureau top. He returned and quietly entered the house.
|
|
His wife, in her skimpiest negligee, was standing at the sink washing
|
|
the breakfast dishes. She looked so inviting that he tiptoed up behind
|
|
her, reached out, and squeezed her breast.
|
|
"Leave only one quart of milk," she said. "Morris won't be here
|
|
for breakfast tomorrow."
|
|
%
|
|
Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss
|
|
out of a boot if the instructions were printed on the heel.
|
|
%
|
|
Most men would never get laid if it weren't for the pity fuck.
|
|
%
|
|
Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.
|
|
-- Frank Zappa
|
|
%
|
|
Most plain girls are virtuous because of the scarcity of opportunity
|
|
to be otherwise.
|
|
-- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings"
|
|
%
|
|
Most women look for a man who is tall, dark and hung some.
|
|
%
|
|
Motto of the Electrical Engineer:
|
|
Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis:
|
|
it stays up as long as you don't fuck with it.
|
|
%
|
|
Moustache rides, 50 cents.
|
|
%
|
|
Mr. Rection, Mr. Hugh G. Rection, please pick up a white courtesy telephone!
|
|
%
|
|
Mrs. Johnson had a very beautiful and intelligent parrot. He had just one
|
|
problem: He liked to fuck Mr. Hawkins' chickens. Mrs. Johnson scolded him
|
|
time and time again, but he would just laugh at her. Finally, she told him
|
|
that if he did it again, she would cut off all of the feathers on the top of
|
|
his head. Well, he resisted the urge for a week, but one day, he just
|
|
couldn't resist going next door. Besides, he figured she was bluffing.
|
|
Well, Mr. Hawkins came over, ranting and raving about how the parrot
|
|
had been fucking his chickens again. Mrs. Johnson didn't say a word, just
|
|
took out her scissors and cut off all of the parrot's head feathers.
|
|
That night, Mrs. Johnson had a big party at her house. Before it
|
|
started, she took the parrot and put him on top of the piano by the front
|
|
door. "Since you disobeyed me today, you have to stay here on the piano
|
|
tonight. Now, don't you dare move."
|
|
Well, the parrot was pretty pissed off about having his head bare,
|
|
and he wasn't too happy about having to spend the whole evening on the piano.
|
|
Still, as he usually did, when the butler would announce the guests as they
|
|
arrived, he would say hello to them. Just then, two bald-headed men came to
|
|
the door.
|
|
Before the butler could say anything, the parrot yelled, "Okay, you
|
|
chicken-fuckers, up here on the piano with me!"
|
|
%
|
|
Mrs. Kelly is partial to cocks;
|
|
Mr. Kelly likes rye on the rocks.
|
|
When he's under the weather
|
|
They can't get together,
|
|
So others get into her box.
|
|
%
|
|
Murphy's Discovery:
|
|
Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk
|
|
to women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and
|
|
everything will be all right." And what happens? Nine
|
|
months later, you're in trouble!
|
|
%
|
|
Musing on her present and past professions as "dominant/sadomasichism
|
|
fantasy fulfiller" and dental hygienist, Sybil said, "I couldn't really
|
|
understand why I wanted to be a dental hygienist, but years later, after
|
|
being in the SM world a long time, I figured it out: I'm in uniform,
|
|
they're not. I'm standing up, they're lying down. I'm doing painful
|
|
things to them for their own good. This is so ME."
|
|
-- The Daily Cal, September 29, 1992 In an article titled:
|
|
"Kinky sex remains alive and whipping despite threat
|
|
of AIDS, book reveals"
|
|
%
|
|
My advice to the women's clubs of America is to raise more hell and fewer
|
|
dahlias.
|
|
-- William Allen White
|
|
%
|
|
My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet.
|
|
He goes around with his head stuck up his ass.
|
|
%
|
|
My daddy's brains was so scrambled he thought he was Jesus. They put him
|
|
in a nut house for 5 years and when he got out, he didn't think he was
|
|
Jesus, he thought he was *God*! ... Which made me Jesus.
|
|
-- T. Bywater
|
|
%
|
|
My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my
|
|
family, it seems, begins where yours left off.
|
|
-- Alexandre Dumas
|
|
%
|
|
My girlfriend's favorite erotic position is bending over my credit cards.
|
|
%
|
|
My godda bless, never I see sucha people.
|
|
-- Signor Piozzi, quoted by Cecilia Thrale
|
|
%
|
|
My idea of a wild party is where you throw the girls' panties at the wall
|
|
and they stick.
|
|
-- Johnny Bob
|
|
%
|
|
My jaw aches, my pussy is sore.
|
|
I simply can't fuck any more;
|
|
I'm covered with sweat,
|
|
And you haven't come yet,
|
|
And my God, it's a quarter to four!
|
|
-- The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint
|
|
%
|
|
My mother didn't breast-feed me. She said she liked me as a friend.
|
|
-- Rodney Dangerfield
|
|
%
|
|
My mother was a test tube; my father was a knife.
|
|
-- Friday
|
|
%
|
|
My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. One day my wife
|
|
came home early from work and found us in bed together.
|
|
-- Lenny Bruce
|
|
%
|
|
My mothers are wholly ignorant of the almost universal prevalence of secret
|
|
vice, or self-abuse, among the young. Why hesitate to say firmly and without
|
|
quibble that personal abuse lies at the root of much of the feebleness,
|
|
paleness, nervousness, and good-for-nothingness of the entire community?
|
|
-- Dr. J.H. Kellogg, "The Ladies Guide", Modern Medicine
|
|
Publishing Company, 1895. Dr. Kellogg helped invent
|
|
corn flakes and peanut butter. In addition to denouncing
|
|
masturbation, he believed that smoking caused cancer and
|
|
that certain ailments could be cured by rolling a
|
|
cannonball on the stomach.
|
|
%
|
|
My reaction to porno films is as follows: After the first ten minutes, I
|
|
want to go home and screw. After the first twenty minutes, I never want
|
|
to screw again as long as I live.
|
|
-- Erica Jong
|
|
%
|
|
My sex life hasn't been so good; either fist or famine.
|
|
%
|
|
My travel agent's an Oxford chap
|
|
Who rolls his eyes when he speaks.
|
|
I asked him about the Isle of Man
|
|
For a journey of about six weeks.
|
|
And this is what he said to me
|
|
As he looked me right in the eye,
|
|
"For a far-out trip, try an ice cream dip
|
|
Of Elephant Shit On Rye."
|
|
|
|
A brand-new store just opened its door
|
|
At the corner of 5th and Vine
|
|
And I happened to be standing right outside
|
|
When they turned on their neon sign.
|
|
I heard a strange sound, I looked around,
|
|
And that's when I almost died,
|
|
They nearly knocked me down to be the first in town
|
|
To get their Elephant Shit On Rye!
|
|
%
|
|
"My trip? It was vile. Balaclava
|
|
I loathed. Etna was crawling with lava.
|
|
The ship was all white
|
|
But it creaked in the night,
|
|
And the band, they did not know la java."
|
|
-- Edward Gorey
|
|
%
|
|
My wife and I only smoke after sex. I've had the same pack since 1967.
|
|
She's up to three packs a day.
|
|
-- Rodney Dangerfield
|
|
%
|
|
My wife has breast cancer. She told me to start dating.
|
|
-- Howard Stern
|
|
%
|
|
Naeser's Law:
|
|
You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof.
|
|
%
|
|
Naked children are so perfectly pure and lovely. I confess I do not admire
|
|
naked boys. They always seem to me to need clothes -- whereas one hardly
|
|
sees why the lovely forms of girls should ever be covered up.
|
|
-- Lewis Carroll
|
|
%
|
|
Naked couple in bed, woman says to man:
|
|
"When I said I had a foot fetish, I was referring to cocks."
|
|
%
|
|
Nancy Reagan wants to divorce old Ron...
|
|
seems he's making it hard for everyone but her.
|
|
%
|
|
National Sex Week -- don't let your meat loaf.
|
|
%
|
|
navel, n:
|
|
A place to stash your gum on the way down.
|
|
%
|
|
Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.
|
|
Watch who you sleep with.
|
|
%
|
|
necrophilia, n:
|
|
Dead boring.
|
|
|
|
incest, n:
|
|
Relatively boring.
|
|
%
|
|
necrophilia, n:
|
|
Dropping in for a cold one.
|
|
%
|
|
Need to buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep?
|
|
Try Fredricks of Ithaca, New York.
|
|
%
|
|
Negotiate my ass, let's kill something!
|
|
%
|
|
Never fly under a seagull - they'll shit on your airplane.
|
|
-- Gordon Cooper
|
|
%
|
|
"Never send a MAN to do a WOMAN'S work! Why do you think I CAME here?"
|
|
"Not for the good of my ego, that was for damn sure."
|
|
%
|
|
Never try to keep up with the Joneses; they might be newlyweds.
|
|
%
|
|
NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY:
|
|
"Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on
|
|
a short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her
|
|
promptly to avoid extended waits. (We are still awaiting shipment of
|
|
our "Big John" doll.)
|
|
%
|
|
New book out from Gary Hart; "Six Inches from the White House".
|
|
%
|
|
New Jersey is not the armpit of the nation;
|
|
it's the asshole of the universe.
|
|
-- Jonathan Michael Smith
|
|
%
|
|
New York:
|
|
Where men are men, sheep enjoy it, and lepers laugh their heads off.
|
|
%
|
|
Newlywed groom:
|
|
Honey, I have something to confess to you. I'm a golfer.
|
|
You'll never see me on Tuesday nights, Thursday nights,
|
|
and weekends. I'm sorry.
|
|
Newlywed bride:
|
|
I have something even worse to confess, dear. I'm a hooker.
|
|
Groom:
|
|
Oh, honey, that's no problem! Just keep your head low and follow
|
|
through...
|
|
%
|
|
Newsflash:
|
|
Apparently the rapture did occur last Tuesday as was originally
|
|
predicted. All true believers were transported to heaven while the rest
|
|
of us were left behind to await the Anti-Christ and the end of the world.
|
|
Widespread reports that the rapture had not occurred stemmed from
|
|
expectations that the effect would be more widespread than it turned out
|
|
to be. The definition of "true believer" was apparently more restrictive
|
|
than expected, however, and the only qualifiers were a family of five,
|
|
living in Stenton, North Dakota.
|
|
%
|
|
Next, upon a stool, we've a sight to make you drool.
|
|
Seven virgins and a mule, keep it cool, keep it cool.
|
|
-- ELP, "Karn Evil 9" (1st Impression, Part 2)
|
|
%
|
|
Nice computers don't go down.
|
|
%
|
|
Nine out of ten men who preferred Camels have switched back to women.
|
|
%
|
|
Nine reasons a taco is better than a woman:
|
|
1: Tacos don't put frilly covers on the toilet seat
|
|
so the lid won't stay up.
|
|
2: Tacos don't use your razor on their legs.
|
|
3: Tacos don't say "That's okay, it doesn't have to be good for me."
|
|
4: Tacos don't get upset if you eat another taco, "Just for fun."
|
|
5: Tacos will never contest a divorce,
|
|
demand a property settlement or seek custody of anything.
|
|
6: Tacos won't ask you about your last lover,
|
|
or speculate about your next one.
|
|
7: A taco will never make a scene because
|
|
there are other tacos in the refrigerator.
|
|
8: It's easy to drop a taco.
|
|
9: Tacos don't want to sleep on your chest.
|
|
%
|
|
Ninety percent of everything is crap.
|
|
-- Theodore Sturgeon
|
|
%
|
|
No matter how clever the hardware boys
|
|
are, the software boys piss it away.
|
|
%
|
|
No one born with a mouth and a need is "innocent".
|
|
-- Greg Bear
|
|
%
|
|
Non Illegitemus Carborundum.
|
|
[Don't let the bastards wear you down.]
|
|
%
|
|
Not everyone has a one-track mind.
|
|
-- From a Bisexuality 101 talk
|
|
%
|
|
Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends.
|
|
-- Woody Allen
|
|
%
|
|
nothing, adj:
|
|
A man with an erection who walks into a wall and breaks his nose.
|
|
%
|
|
Now a Jew, in the dictionary, is one who is descended from the ancient
|
|
tribes of Judea ... but you and I know what a Jew is -- one who killed
|
|
Our Lord ... A lot of people say to me "Why did you kill Christ?" What
|
|
can I say? It was an accident. It was one of those parties that got out
|
|
of hand, you know... We killed him because he didn't want to become
|
|
a doctor, that's why we killed him.
|
|
-- Lenny Bruce
|
|
%
|
|
Now hear this fair lass from Rhode Isle
|
|
Who said with a wink and a smile,
|
|
"Sure, please stick it in,
|
|
Be it thick be it thin,
|
|
But if's rough I won't do as a file."
|
|
%
|
|
Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything so mind-
|
|
bogglingly useful could have evolved purely by chance that some thinkers
|
|
have chosen to see it as a final and clinching proof of the non-existence
|
|
of God. The argument follows: "I refuse to prove that I exist," says God,
|
|
"for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing." "But," says Man,
|
|
"the Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It could not have evolved
|
|
by chance, thus proving that you exist, therefore by your own arguments,
|
|
you don't. QED." "Oh, dear," says God, "I hadn't thought of that," and
|
|
promptly vanishes in a puff of logic.
|
|
-- Douglas Adams
|
|
%
|
|
Now what would they do if I just sailed away?
|
|
Who the hell really compelled me to leave today?
|
|
Runnin' low on stories of what made it a ball,
|
|
What would they do if I made no landfall?"
|
|
-- Jimmy Buffet, "Landfall"
|
|
%
|
|
Nurse Jones is a regular on the newsgroup [alt.sex.bondage], and
|
|
occasionally has problems with folks harassing her. She came up
|
|
with this in response to one...
|
|
|
|
Fortunately, my ego isn't as fragile as that woodpecker's wing.
|
|
When fratboy called me a dyke I told him that actually I was
|
|
bisexual, but that he shouldn't feel threatened because he didn't
|
|
meet either of my standards. But if it makes you feel more
|
|
comfortable, I said, my husband tied me to the bedposts this
|
|
morning and screwed the daylights out of me.
|
|
|
|
"Just think," said
|
|
|
|
Nurse Jones,
|
|
"... that was four
|
|
hours ago and
|
|
my sperm count
|
|
is probably *still*
|
|
higher than yours."
|
|
%
|
|
Nybble me... Byte me... Unsigned long int me...
|
|
%
|
|
Objectivity is to a newspaper what virtue is to a woman.
|
|
-- Joseph Pulitzer
|
|
%
|
|
Obscene? Obscene is young men being trained to drop fire on people, but
|
|
their commanders not allowing them to write "fuck" on their airplanes
|
|
because it's obscene.
|
|
%
|
|
Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers.
|
|
%
|
|
Oden the bardling averred
|
|
His muse was the bum of a bird,
|
|
And his Lesbian wife
|
|
Would finger his fife
|
|
While Fisherwood waited as third.
|
|
%
|
|
Of course, I speak of nothing else but that classic of understated yet wildly
|
|
exciting eroticism, "The Windflower," by Laura London. Ms. London is the
|
|
author of such other philosophical block-busters as "Bad Baron's Daughter,"
|
|
"A Heart Too Proud," "Moonlight Mist," and most thigh-warming of all, "Gypsy
|
|
Heiress". Well, glasses-steaming scenes are to be found on every page, to
|
|
an extent which overwhelms Your Humble Narrator, and so, in order to save
|
|
himself extreme embarrassment, he brings you... the blurb:
|
|
|
|
"Every lady of breeding knows: no one has a good time on a pirate
|
|
ship. No one, that is, but the pirates. Yet there she was, Merry Wilding
|
|
-- kidnapped in error, taken from a ship bound from New York to England,
|
|
spirited away in a barrel and swept aboard the infamous "Black Joke"...
|
|
There she was, trembling with pleasure in the arms of her achingly handsome,
|
|
sensationally sensual, golden-haired captor -- Devon."
|
|
%
|
|
Of course, most people eventually give up bowling for sex.
|
|
The balls are lighter and you don't have to change your shoes.
|
|
%
|
|
Of his face she thought not very much,
|
|
But then, at the very first touch,
|
|
Her attitude shifted --
|
|
He was terribly gifted
|
|
At frigging and fucking and such.
|
|
%
|
|
Oh, baby, put two fingers here and one finger there and call me bitch.
|
|
%
|
|
Oh give me a home, where the bookmakers roam,
|
|
Where the beer and the whiskey flows free,
|
|
Where never is heard, a discouraging word,
|
|
And the call-girls keep callin' for me!
|
|
%
|
|
Oh, I'm looking over, my dead dog Rover,
|
|
That got run over with my mower.
|
|
One leg is missing, and one other is gone,
|
|
The fourth one is scattered all over the lawn.
|
|
It's no use explain'n, the one remaining,
|
|
It landed by the kitchen door.
|
|
Oh, I'm looking over, my dead dog rover,
|
|
that ain't gonna walk no more...
|
|
-- Tune is something about a four-leaf clover.
|
|
%
|
|
Oh John, let's not park here.
|
|
Oh John, let's not park.
|
|
Oh John, let's not.
|
|
Oh John, let's.
|
|
Oh John.
|
|
Oh.
|
|
%
|
|
Oh, pity the Duchess of Kent!
|
|
Her cunt is so dreadfully bent,
|
|
The poor wench doth stammer,
|
|
"I need a sledgehammer
|
|
To pound a man into my vent."
|
|
%
|
|
Oh pity the prince, Montezuma
|
|
He tried to make love to a puma.
|
|
Seems the puma, in play,
|
|
Tore his testes away -
|
|
- An example of animal huma.
|
|
%
|
|
Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to conceive.
|
|
-- Don Herold
|
|
%
|
|
OLD FELLA RED CLARET
|
|
Produce of Australia -- "The Big 69'er"
|
|
|
|
An unusual "Rough-as-Guts" wine that has the Distinctive Bouquet of old
|
|
and ill-cared for animals. It is best drunk with the teeth clenched to
|
|
prevent ingestion of the seeds and skins. Connoisseurs will savour the
|
|
slight Tannin Taste of burnt shag feathers and soiled medical dressings.
|
|
Possessors of a cultivated Palate admire the initial assault on the taste
|
|
buds which comes from the careful and loving blending of circus hosings
|
|
with perished jock straps. The maturing in Midland Abattoir hogsheads
|
|
gives it a very Definite Nose. With the bouquet like an aborigine's armpit.
|
|
In the United States this wine is marketed as Crow Brand (9 out of 10 people
|
|
who drink it for the first time exclaim "VRAAAARRRRRK").
|
|
|
|
It won a Bronze at the "Kings Cross Homosexuals Convention" of 1973
|
|
|
|
Warning: Avoid contact with eyes and open cuts.
|
|
Keep away from open naked flames -- both old and new.
|
|
%
|
|
Old King Cole
|
|
Was a merry old soul,
|
|
A merry old soul was he!
|
|
He called for his pipe,
|
|
And he called for his bowl,
|
|
And he fiddled with his call girls three!
|
|
%
|
|
Old McDonald had a farm,
|
|
E-I-E-I-O!
|
|
And on this farm he had some chicks,
|
|
E-I-E-I-O!
|
|
With a chick-chick here,
|
|
And a chick-chick there,
|
|
Here a chick,
|
|
There a chick,
|
|
Everywhere a chick-chick,
|
|
Old McDonald lost his farm
|
|
'Cause he had too many chicks!
|
|
%
|
|
Old McDonald had a farm,
|
|
E-I-E-I-O
|
|
And on this farm he had some chicks,
|
|
E-I-E-I-O
|
|
With a chickie-poo here, and a chickie-poo there,
|
|
Here a chick, there a chick, everywhere a whoop-ti-doo,
|
|
Old McDonald lost his farm,
|
|
'Cause he had too many chicks.
|
|
%
|
|
Old mercenaries never die. They go to hell and regroup.
|
|
%
|
|
Old Mother Hubbard lived in a shoe,
|
|
She had so many children,
|
|
She didn't know what to do.
|
|
So she moved to Atlanta.
|
|
%
|
|
Old Mother Hubbard,
|
|
Went to the cubbard,
|
|
To get her poor doggie a bone.
|
|
|
|
But when she stooped over,
|
|
Old Rover, he drove her.
|
|
You see, he had a bone of his own.
|
|
%
|
|
Olmstead's Law:
|
|
After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
|
|
%
|
|
On a cannibal isle near Malaysia
|
|
Lives a lady they call Anastasia.
|
|
Not russian elite-
|
|
She's eager to eat
|
|
Whatever or whoever lays her.
|
|
%
|
|
On a ship wrecked far out at sea,
|
|
The girl said, "I can't seem to pee."
|
|
"Aha!" said the mate,
|
|
"That settles the fate
|
|
Of the captain, the pilot, and me."
|
|
%
|
|
On an isolated stretch of beach near Cannes, a beautiful French girl threw
|
|
herself into the sea and drowned despite a young man's attempt to save her.
|
|
The man dragged the half-nude body ashore and left it on the sand while he
|
|
went to notify the authorities. Upon his return, he was horrified to find
|
|
a man making love to the corpse.
|
|
"Monsieur, monsieur," he shouted, "that woman is dead,
|
|
that woman is dead!"
|
|
"Sacre bleu," exclaimed the man, springing up.
|
|
"I thought she was an American!"
|
|
%
|
|
On Brassieres:
|
|
Russian: Uplifts the masses.
|
|
Salvation Army: Raises the fallen.
|
|
American: Makes mountains out of molehills.
|
|
%
|
|
On day a Monterey daughter
|
|
Did scuba down under the water.
|
|
She later turned up
|
|
The mom of a pup,
|
|
And they say t'was an otter that gotter.
|
|
%
|
|
On one hot dusty day in 1860, a lone Mexican bandit crossed the border into
|
|
Texas. After robbing a small bank and shooting up the town, he led the posse
|
|
on a merry chase through the desert. On the sixth day of the chase he was
|
|
apprehended.
|
|
Sheriff-to-interpreter: "Ask him where the money is."
|
|
Interpreter-to-bandit: "He wants to know where you hid the money."
|
|
Bandit-to-interpreter: "I'll never tell, never!"
|
|
Interpreter-to-sheriff: "He says he'll never tell, senor."
|
|
At this point, the sheriff loses his cool. His town has been shot up, his
|
|
bank robbed, he's spent a week in the desert tracking this guy, and now he
|
|
says he'll never tell. So he takes his pistol, jams it under the bandits'
|
|
chin, and, with the veins standing out on his neck, screams "Tell him to tell
|
|
me where the money is, or I'm gonna blow his brains all over the desert!"
|
|
Interpreter-to-bandit: "He says if you don't tell him where the
|
|
money is right now, he will kill you here."
|
|
Bandit-to-interpreter: "Do not kill me, senor, the money is hidden
|
|
under the big tree at the pass!"
|
|
Interpreter-to-sheriff: "He says you ain't got the balls..."
|
|
%
|
|
On the breast of a lady named Gail,
|
|
Was tattooed the price of her tail.
|
|
And on her behind,
|
|
For the sake of the blind,
|
|
Was the same information -- in Braille.
|
|
%
|
|
On the porch of a dude named Horatio,
|
|
His girl got a yen for fellatio.
|
|
As she sucked on his dingus
|
|
He tried cunnilingus
|
|
But the cops ran 'em off of that patio.
|
|
%
|
|
Ona day Ima gonna to Detroit to a bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to
|
|
eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two piss's toast. She bringa me
|
|
only one piss. I tella her I wanna two piss ona my plate. She says you
|
|
better no piss on the plate, you sonna bitch. I don't even know the lady
|
|
and she call me sonna bitch. Later I go out to eat at the bigga restaurant.
|
|
The waitress bring me a spoon and a knife but no fock. I tell her I wanna
|
|
fock. She tells me everone wanna fock. I tell her "you no understand", I
|
|
wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you
|
|
sonna bitch. So I go back to my room ina hotel and there isa no shits ona
|
|
my bed. I calla the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tella me to go
|
|
to the toilet. I say "you no understand", I wanna shit on the bed. He say
|
|
you better no shit ona bed, you sonna bitch. I go to check out and the man
|
|
at the desk say "peace to you". I say piss on you too, you sonna bitch. I
|
|
gonna back to Italy.
|
|
%
|
|
Once a woman has given you her heart you
|
|
can never get rid of the rest of her.
|
|
-- Vanbrugh
|
|
%
|
|
Once a young gay from Khartoum,
|
|
Took a lesbian up to his room.
|
|
They argued all night
|
|
Over who had the right
|
|
To do what, and with which, and to whom.
|
|
%
|
|
Once I belonged to a group that really had THE WORD. I fought like hell
|
|
for them. But another group came along and exposed the word of my group
|
|
as shallow and degenerate. They had a better word. So I quit the first
|
|
group and lost all the friends I had made and I joined up with this new
|
|
group. I fought like hell for them. But another group came around. They
|
|
exposed the word of my group as false and materialistic. Their word was
|
|
very much better. So I quit the second group and lost all the friends I
|
|
had made. And I joined up with this new group. I fought like hell for them.
|
|
Till this one guy came along and proved that there wasn't any word at all.
|
|
That I should go off as an individual and grow! So I quit the last group
|
|
and lost all the friends I had made. And now I sit home alone all day and
|
|
all I do is grow. It would be nice to join up with some others who feel
|
|
the way I do.
|
|
-- J. Feiffer
|
|
%
|
|
Once upon a girl there was a time...
|
|
%
|
|
Once upon a time there was a farmer who had borrowed a bull to service his
|
|
two cows. He put all three animals on a meadow and sent little Johnny to
|
|
observe and report any success. A short time later, little Johnny came
|
|
running towards the house shouting: "Daddy, Daddy, the bull just fucked the
|
|
white cow!"
|
|
The father took little Johnny aside and said: "Look, kid, it's
|
|
alright if you use that kind of language around me, but the reverend is
|
|
going to be visiting soon. So next time, please use another word; just
|
|
say that the bull "surprised" the cow."
|
|
Johnny agreed and went back to observe any progress. A little
|
|
while later, while the preacher was talking to the farmer, little Johnny
|
|
came a-running again, shouting: "Daddy, Daddy!"
|
|
The father, trying to avoid embarrassing the preacher, said: "I
|
|
know, the bull surprised the brown cow."
|
|
Little Johnny replied: "He sure did, he fucked the white one again!"
|
|
%
|
|
Once upon a time there was a farmer who owned a large number of chickens and
|
|
made money by selling chickens to a local distributing company. The farmer
|
|
wanted to increase his business, and so went to market to buy another rooster.
|
|
"This rooster," assured the vendor, "is my best. He's virile and energetic
|
|
and will take care of all your chickens!" The farmer, delighted at this,
|
|
bought the rooster and returned to his farm. He set the rooster loose among
|
|
his hen houses and, sure enough, the rooster enthusiastically went to work.
|
|
It wasn't too long, however, before the rooster finished off all the hens and
|
|
began on the few geese and ducks that were on the farm. "If you keep up this
|
|
rate," warned the farmer, "you'll screw yourself to death!" The rooster,
|
|
however, scoffed at the farmer and continued at an increased speed. The next
|
|
morning, the farmer was doing his chores when he noticed several buzzards in
|
|
the sky circling over something. He headed out behind the barn, and sure
|
|
enough there was the rooster, flat on his back, with eyes closed. The farmer
|
|
shook his fist at the motionless body and cursed, shouting "I knew it! I told
|
|
you so! I knew you'd screw yourself to death!" The rooster turned his head
|
|
toward the farmer, opened one eye, and winked. "Shhh!" he said, pointing to
|
|
the birds above. "I think they're coming down."
|
|
%
|
|
Once upon a time there was a little girl named Little Red Riding Hood. One
|
|
fine morning she decided to visit her Grandmother, so she put a freshly baked
|
|
cake and a .357 magnum into her basket and set off through the forest. When
|
|
she got there, what should she find but a big black wolf in the bed, who
|
|
jumped up, grabbed her and snarled, "I'm going to fuck you until the sun goes
|
|
down."
|
|
So Little Red Riding Hood whipped out the .357 and said, "Oh, no,
|
|
you're not! You're going to eat me just like the story says!"
|
|
%
|
|
Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to
|
|
fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold,
|
|
the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south.
|
|
After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to
|
|
earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this
|
|
little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure
|
|
warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy the little sparrow
|
|
began to sing. Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the
|
|
chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleared away the manure,
|
|
he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
|
|
There are three morals to this story:
|
|
1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
|
|
2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.
|
|
3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.
|
|
%
|
|
Once upon a time there was a sperm named Stanley. He'd do pushups and
|
|
somersaults and limber up all the time, while the other sperm just lay around
|
|
on their fat asses not doing a thing. One day, one of them became curious
|
|
enough to ask Stanley why he exercised all day. Stanley said,
|
|
"Look, only one sperm gets a woman pregnant and when the right
|
|
time comes, I am going to be that one."
|
|
A few days later, the all felt themselves getting hotter and hotter, and they
|
|
knew that it was getting to be their time to go. They were released abruptly
|
|
and, sure enough, there was Stanley swimming far ahead of all the others.
|
|
All of a sudden, Stanley stopped, turned around, and began to swim back with
|
|
all his might.
|
|
"Go back! Go back!" he screamed. "It's a blow job!"
|
|
%
|
|
Once upon a time there were three coeds -- a big coed, a medium-sized coed,
|
|
and a little, tiny coed. One night they came home from a dance, and the big
|
|
coed said, "Someone's been sleeping in my bed!"
|
|
The medium-sized coed looked in her room and said, "Someone's been
|
|
sleeping in my bed!"
|
|
And the little, tiny coed said, "Well, nighty-night, girls!"
|
|
%
|
|
Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of
|
|
us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of the
|
|
smaller prime numbers.
|
|
|
|
2: The Odd Prime --
|
|
It's the only even prime, therefore is odd. QED.
|
|
3: The True Prime --
|
|
Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you 3 times, it's true."
|
|
31: The Arbitrary Prime --
|
|
Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime in
|
|
case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91 received
|
|
the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the next most.
|
|
However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none at all.
|
|
41: The Female Prime --
|
|
The polynomial X**2 - X + 41 is
|
|
prime for integer values from 1 to 40.
|
|
43: The Male Prime - they form a prime pair.
|
|
|
|
Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities
|
|
are derived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd
|
|
but true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers.
|
|
%
|
|
Once was a hooker named Gail,
|
|
Busted and sent-off to jail,
|
|
She liked the jailer,
|
|
He wanted to nail her,
|
|
So Gail made bail with her tail.
|
|
%
|
|
Once you come out as a Pagan bisexual married leatherdyke,
|
|
the rest of life is that much easier.
|
|
%
|
|
Once you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
|
|
%
|
|
One by one the vice-presidents of a large corporation were called into the
|
|
boss's office. Then the junior executives were individually summoned.
|
|
Finally the office boy was brought in.
|
|
"I want the truth, Charles," the boss bellowed. "Have you been
|
|
playing around with my secretary?"
|
|
"N-no, sir," the office boy stammered. "I-I'd never do anything
|
|
like that, sir."
|
|
"All right, all right," sighed the boss, "then you fire her."
|
|
%
|
|
One day a city dweller decided to take a ride in the country. He hopped
|
|
into his sportscar, wandered along the highway for a while and then exited
|
|
to some very rural dirt roads in the middle of farm country. After awhile,
|
|
he came across a farmer who clearly working his fields. The funny thing was,
|
|
the farmer didn't seem to be wearing any pants. The man got out of his car
|
|
and approached the farmer.
|
|
"Hey, buddy," he asked, "how come you're not wearing any clothes?"
|
|
Replied the farmer, "Well, boy, th' other day I was out a-workin'
|
|
in the fields, an' I plum fergot t' wear mah shirt. Got back to th' house
|
|
that night, and mah neck was stiffer than an oak-wood board. This here's
|
|
mah wife's idea."
|
|
%
|
|
One day a little polar bear cub says to his mother, "Mommy, am I really
|
|
a polar bear?"
|
|
"Why of course you are, honey!" his mother replies. "You live at
|
|
the North Pole and you swim under the ice to catch fish. You play on the
|
|
ice floes and you romp through the snow and chase seals. Of *course* you're
|
|
a polar bear. Why do you ask?"
|
|
"Because," says the little cub, "I'm fuckin' freezing!"
|
|
%
|
|
One day a mouse was driving along the road in his Mercedes when he heard an
|
|
anguished roaring noise coming from the side of the road. Stopping the car,
|
|
he got out and discovered a lion stuck in a deep ditch and roaring for help.
|
|
Reassuring the lion, the mouse tied a rope around the axle of the Mercedes,
|
|
threw the other end down to the lion, and pulled the beast out of the ditch.
|
|
The lion thanked the mouse profusely and they went their separate ways.
|
|
Two months later the lion was out for a stroll in the country when
|
|
he heard a panicked squeaking coming from the side of the road. Investigating
|
|
the noise, what should he come across but the mouse stuck in the same hole.
|
|
"Oh, please help me, Mr. Lion," squeaked the terrified mouse. "I saved you
|
|
with my car once, remember?"
|
|
"Course I'll help you, little fellow," roared the lion. "I'll just
|
|
lower my dick down to you, you hold on to it, and we'll have you out of there
|
|
in a jiffy." Sure enough, a few minutes later the mouse was high and dry on
|
|
the roadside, trying to convey his eternal gratitude to the lion.
|
|
"Don't give it another thought," said the lion kindly. "It just goes
|
|
to show that if you've got a big dick, you don't need a Mercedes."
|
|
%
|
|
One day Adam, while wandering around the Garden of Eden, noticed that all
|
|
the animals seemed to come in pairs, male and female. He also noted that
|
|
they seemed to enjoy being together a lot. So, he went to his special
|
|
place and reported to God what he'd noticed.
|
|
God, understanding his need, said, "Adam, the time has come for me
|
|
to provide you with a mate. Go lie down and when you have fallen asleep, I
|
|
will create your mate."
|
|
So Adam wandered off, found a nice patch of soft grass and fell
|
|
asleep. Some time later he awoke, possibly due to a bit of pain in his
|
|
ribs, possibly because of the gorgeous woman leaning over him. Remembering
|
|
the animals he'd seen having such fun, he immediately reached for her.
|
|
Pretty soon Adam's back at his special place.
|
|
"God?"
|
|
"Yes, Adam, what now?"
|
|
"God, what's a headache?"
|
|
%
|
|
One day Father O'Malley was walking through the park when he came upon an
|
|
enchanting scene. A beautiful little girl with long blond hair, deep blue
|
|
eyes, and a dainty white dress was reading under a tree with her adorable
|
|
little dog.
|
|
What a lovely picture, thought the Father to himself. Walking over,
|
|
he asked, "Child, what is your name?"
|
|
"Blossom," she replied.
|
|
"What a fitting name," exclaimed Father O'Malley. "And how did your
|
|
parents come to choose such a pretty name?"
|
|
"Well, one day when I was still in my mommy's tummy she was lying
|
|
under this very tree when a blossom fell and landed on her stomach. She
|
|
thought it was a message from God and decided that I would be a girl and my
|
|
name would be Blossom," explained the little girl sweetly.
|
|
How charming, thought the priest. He started to say good-bye and
|
|
walk away, then turned back. "And the name of your little dog?" he
|
|
inquired.
|
|
"Porky," was the child's reply.
|
|
Again he asked her how the unusual name had been chosen.
|
|
"Because he likes to fuck pigs."
|
|
%
|
|
"One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most
|
|
gorgeous blond chinese girl... I sat beside her... I said 'Hi,' and she
|
|
said 'Hi,' and then I said 'Nice day, isn't it,' and she said 'Yeah, I
|
|
guess'... I said 'What do you mean "you guess"?'... she said 'I saw my
|
|
analyst today and he says I have a problem.'... so I asked 'What's the
|
|
problem?'... she replied 'I can't tell you, I don't even know you.'...
|
|
I said 'Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect
|
|
stranger on a bus.' So she said, 'Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac
|
|
and I only like Jewish cowboys... by the way, my name is Diane.' I said,
|
|
'Hello, Diane, my name is Bucky Goldstein.'"
|
|
-- Stephen Wright
|
|
%
|
|
One day, in a bar, a young man walks in with a little dwarf about one foot
|
|
tall on his shoulder and orders a beer. The bartender serves the man a beer;
|
|
to his astonishment, the little guy walks down the man's arm, takes a swallow
|
|
of the brew and spits it in his face. After a few minutes the customer
|
|
orders another beer and the exact same thing happens. Well, by this time,
|
|
the bartender is getting pretty upset; he figures that the man should take
|
|
care of the dwarf. So he asks the guy, "Why are you letting that guy drink
|
|
all your beer and spit it in my face?"
|
|
"Well, sir, when I was on a contract in Saudi Arabia I met this genie
|
|
and he granted me three wishes. I asked for a million dollars, the most
|
|
beautiful woman in the world, and a twelve-inch prick.
|
|
%
|
|
One day on a busy street corner a huge, burly looking man walked up to a police
|
|
officer and asks, "Thcuse me offither, can you tell me where thidee-thid, and
|
|
thacramento ith?"
|
|
The police officer didn't reply at all, but just looked away.
|
|
The large man then asked again, but still no reply. After a few more
|
|
attempts which the police officer studiously ignored, the frustrated man
|
|
walked away. An onlooking pedestrian then walked up to the officer and asked,
|
|
"Officer, why didn't you tell that man where thirty-third and Sacramento was?" The police officer replied,
|
|
"Thure, thure, and dit the thit ticked out of me!"
|
|
%
|
|
One evening a guru had coitus
|
|
With an actress, a whore and a poetess.
|
|
When asked what position
|
|
He used for coition,
|
|
He answered serenely, "the lotus."
|
|
%
|
|
One fall day, two men were out in the woods hunting. Feeling a sudden need
|
|
to relieve himself, George went over to a nearby clump of bushes, unzipped
|
|
his fly, and started in when a poisonous snake lunged out of the bushes and
|
|
bit him on his penis. Hearing George's howl of pain and fright, his friend
|
|
Fred came running up and told him to lie still while he used the radio to
|
|
call a doctor.
|
|
"There's only one way to save your friend's life," said the doctor
|
|
gravely. "If you cut a shallow 'X' over the bite and then suck as much of
|
|
the poison out as you can, he'll probably be okay, but otherwise there's not
|
|
much hope."
|
|
Hearing Fred's footsteps, George rose weakly up on one elbow and
|
|
cried out, "Fred, what'd he say? What did the doctor say?"
|
|
"George, old friend," said Fred sadly, "he said you're gonna die."
|
|
%
|
|
One hundred and one uses for canned peaches.
|
|
One hundred and two if you plan to eat them.
|
|
%
|
|
One man's nightmare is another man's wet dream.
|
|
%
|
|
One morning after an evening of particularly heavy drinking, a man awoke
|
|
and upon rolling over in bed saw one of the ugliest women he had ever
|
|
seen. As he was about to get out of bed, he looked on the floor and saw
|
|
another woman even less appealing than the first. Seeing his look of
|
|
wide-eyed amazement, the woman on the floor snapped, "Don't look at me
|
|
like that, I was only the bridesmaid."
|
|
%
|
|
One night a girl had an affair
|
|
With a fellow all covered with hair.
|
|
His enormous red whang
|
|
Gave her a wonderful bang --
|
|
She'd been diddled by Smokey the bear.
|
|
%
|
|
One night a girl had an affair
|
|
With a fellow all covered with hair.
|
|
Then she picked up his hat
|
|
And realized that
|
|
She'd been had by Smokey the Bear.
|
|
%
|
|
One of my favorite jokes, a telling commentary on Jewish mothers' capacity
|
|
to lay on guilt, involves the mother who gave her son two neckties on Chanuka.
|
|
"The boy hurried into his bedroom, ripped off the tie he was wearing,
|
|
put on one of the ties his mother had brought him, and hurried back. "Look,
|
|
Mama! Isn't it gorgeous?"
|
|
"Mama asked, 'What's the matter? You don't like the other one?'"
|
|
-- Leo Rosten, "Hooray For Yiddish"
|
|
%
|
|
One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives
|
|
accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable
|
|
testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to
|
|
all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they
|
|
enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in asking,
|
|
"What trip?"
|
|
%
|
|
One of the first things schoolchildren in Texas learn is how to
|
|
compose a simple declarative sentence without the word "shit" in it.
|
|
%
|
|
One of the most expensive things in life
|
|
is a girl who is free for the evening.
|
|
%
|
|
One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God create
|
|
goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "somebody has to buy retail."
|
|
-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
|
|
%
|
|
One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in.
|
|
He was good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the
|
|
following Sunday.
|
|
"9:30 okay?"
|
|
"Fine," George said, "but I may be a few minutes late."
|
|
The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that, he played
|
|
left-handed and beat them. They agreed to meet the following Sunday morning.
|
|
George was eager to come, but again, mentioned that he might be a few minutes
|
|
late. The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he
|
|
played right-handed and beat them again.
|
|
"You on for next Sunday, George?" one of the foursome asked.
|
|
"Sure," George replied, "but I might be a few..."
|
|
Another golfer jumped in. "Wait a minute... You always say you might
|
|
be late, but you're always right on time, and you always win, left-handed
|
|
*or* right-handed."
|
|
"Well," George replied, rather sheepishly, "that's true, but see, I'm
|
|
superstitious. If my wife is sleeping on her right, when I wake up, I play
|
|
right handed. If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left handed."
|
|
"What if she's lying on her back?"
|
|
George said, "That's when I'm late."
|
|
%
|
|
One should be cherry of virgins.
|
|
%
|
|
One, two, three, four
|
|
What are we fighting for?
|
|
Don't ask me I don't give a damn.
|
|
Next stop is Vietnam.
|
|
Five, six, seven, eight
|
|
Open up the pearly gates.
|
|
Ain't no time to wonder why
|
|
Whoopie! We're all going to die.
|
|
-- Country Joe and the Fish
|
|
%
|
|
One who does not know a burro from a burrow does not know
|
|
his ass from a hole in the ground!
|
|
%
|
|
Ooooooh, nooooooo, not tonite!!
|
|
%
|
|
Ooops. Gotta run. My dog wants sex. Later.
|
|
%
|
|
Operators mount anything!
|
|
%
|
|
Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one,
|
|
but nobody wants to look at the other guy's.
|
|
-- Hal Hickman
|
|
%
|
|
OPTIMIST:
|
|
A man who makes a motel reservation before a blind date.
|
|
%
|
|
ORAL CONTRACEPTIVE:
|
|
The word "No".
|
|
%
|
|
oral sex, n:
|
|
The taste of things to come.
|
|
%
|
|
O'Riordan's Theorem:
|
|
Brains x Beauty = Constant.
|
|
|
|
Purmal's Corollary:
|
|
As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity,
|
|
availability goes to zero.
|
|
%
|
|
Other people don't give you orgasms; you have them, and they help you
|
|
cash them in.
|
|
%
|
|
Ouch mosquito, silent by night,
|
|
Why pierce my skin, so white?
|
|
You grow plump, as a leech.
|
|
Stop! I beseech (in vein).
|
|
|
|
I have no choice.
|
|
Why waste my voice,
|
|
When only a slap will do?
|
|
Ouch, I am bitten!
|
|
What ho, you are smitten!
|
|
Yo mosquito, fuck you.
|
|
-- Mitchell Peck, "Ouch, Mosquito"
|
|
%
|
|
Our readers ask, "Why don't more WASPs go to orgies?" Well, it's really
|
|
quite simple. They don't want to have to write all those thank-you notes.
|
|
%
|
|
Our [softball] team usually puts the other woman at second base, where the
|
|
maximum possible number of males can get there on short notice to help out
|
|
in case of emergency. As far as I can tell, our second basewoman is a pretty
|
|
good baseball player, better than I am, anyway, but there's no way to know
|
|
for sure because if the ball gets anywhere near her, a male comes barging
|
|
over from, say, right field, to deal with it. She's been on the team for
|
|
three seasons now, but the males still don't trust her. They know, deep in
|
|
their souls, that if she had to choose between catching a fly ball and saving
|
|
an infant's life, she probably would elect to save the infant's life, without
|
|
ever considering whether there were men on base.
|
|
-- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
|
|
%
|
|
Our staff proctologist, Dr. Barr,
|
|
Has invented a new kind of car.
|
|
With a tank full of shit
|
|
There's no stopping it --
|
|
For short trips, two poots take you far.
|
|
%
|
|
Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding,
|
|
In all of the directions it can whiz;
|
|
As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light, you know,
|
|
Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is.
|
|
So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
|
|
How amazingly unlikely is your birth;
|
|
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space,
|
|
'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth!
|
|
-- Monty Python, "The Meaning of Life"
|
|
%
|
|
Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel,
|
|
"Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and load your camels,
|
|
and I will lead you to the promised land."
|
|
Not too long ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on
|
|
your asses, light a Camel, this is the promised land."
|
|
Now Nixon is stealing your shovels, kicking your asses, raising
|
|
the price of Camels, and mortgaging the promised land.
|
|
%
|
|
Painters do it with even strokes.
|
|
%
|
|
Pardon me, sir, but you've obviously
|
|
mistaken me for someone who gives a shit.
|
|
%
|
|
Passion is that funny feeling that drives a man to
|
|
bite a woman's neck because she has beautiful legs.
|
|
%
|
|
Paying alimony is like pumping gas into another man's car.
|
|
%
|
|
Pee-wee Recommends:
|
|
|
|
When Pee-wee Herman was arrested that evening in Sarasota, Florida,
|
|
the bill at the XXX South Trail Cinema featured:
|
|
|
|
+ Nurse Nancy, starring Sandra Scream
|
|
+ Turn Up the Heat, starring Savannah
|
|
+ Tiger Shark, starring Raven
|
|
%
|
|
penis envy, n:
|
|
The desire to be pink and wrinkled and about four inches long.
|
|
%
|
|
People humiliating a salami!
|
|
%
|
|
People who live in glass houses should ball in the basement.
|
|
%
|
|
People will swim through shit if you put a few bob in it.
|
|
-- Peter Sellers
|
|
%
|
|
Perhaps at fourteen every boy should be in love with some ideal woman to put
|
|
on a pedestal and worship. As he grows up, of course, he will put her on
|
|
a pedestal the better to view her legs.
|
|
-- Barry Norman, in "The Listener"
|
|
%
|
|
Perplexed, a shy virgin named Plummer
|
|
Asked, "what's there to do in the summer?"
|
|
She declined and declined
|
|
Till approached from behind...
|
|
When her summer turned out quite a bummer!
|
|
%
|
|
Persistence, like perspiration, is 99 percent of the fine art of love.
|
|
%
|
|
philadelphia flying fuck, n:
|
|
Okay, see, he hangs from a chin-up bar with his feet on the arms
|
|
of the rocking chair. She crouches in the rocking chair pleasuring
|
|
him orally.
|
|
|
|
[Note: Personally, we've never tried this. If you have, or if
|
|
you do, please inform us of the results at Fortune, Box 1597,
|
|
Rockville IL. Thank you. Ed.]
|
|
%
|
|
Philosophy is to the real world as masturbation is to sex.
|
|
-- Karl Marx
|
|
%
|
|
Physicists do it with charm.
|
|
%
|
|
Picking up a man in a bar is like a snowstorm, you never know when
|
|
he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long'll he'll stay.
|
|
%
|
|
pile driver, n:
|
|
Local drink; two parts vodka, one part prune juice.
|
|
%
|
|
Planned Parenthood:
|
|
The emission Control Center.
|
|
%
|
|
Playing poker with busty Ms. Ware,
|
|
He announced as he folded with flair,
|
|
"I had four of a kind,
|
|
But those aces combined,
|
|
Don't stack up, I'm afraid, with your pair."
|
|
%
|
|
PLUNDERER'S THEME
|
|
(to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius)
|
|
|
|
Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
|
|
If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation.
|
|
Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations.
|
|
Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
|
|
%
|
|
pocket pool, n:
|
|
Well, for guys, it's two-ball in the side pocket.
|
|
For women, it's playing the slots.
|
|
%
|
|
polish fly, n:
|
|
You put it in her drink and she begs you to take her bowling.
|
|
%
|
|
Politicians do it to everyone.
|
|
%
|
|
Pompoir: The most sought-after feminine sexual response of all.
|
|
|
|
'She must... close and constrict the Yoni until it holds the Lingam as with
|
|
a finger, opening and shutting at her pleasure, and finally acting as the
|
|
hand of the Gopala-girl who milks the cow. This can be learned only by long
|
|
practice, and especially by throwing the will into the part affected, even
|
|
as men endeavor to sharpen their hearing... Her husband will then value her
|
|
above all other women, nor would he exchange her for the most beautiful
|
|
queen in the Three Worlds... Among some races the constrictor vaginae muscles
|
|
are abnormally developed. In Abyssinia for instance, a woman can so exert
|
|
them as to cause pain to a man, and when sitting on his thighs, she can
|
|
induce orgasm without moving any other part of her person. Such an artist
|
|
is called by the Arabs Kabbazah, literally, a holder, and it's not surprising
|
|
that slave dealers pay large sums for her' Thus Richard Burton. It has
|
|
nothing to do with 'race' but a lot to do with practice. See exercises.
|
|
-- The Joy of Sex
|
|
%
|
|
Poor Alice who lived in Corvallis
|
|
Had heard of, but not seen, the male phallus.
|
|
At her first sight of one
|
|
She started to run,
|
|
And last was seen sprinting through Dallas.
|
|
%
|
|
Posterity will ne'er survey
|
|
A nobler grave than this;
|
|
Here lie the bones of Castlereagh;
|
|
Stop, traveler, and piss.
|
|
-- Lord Byron, on Lord Castlereagh
|
|
%
|
|
Postulate #1: Nothing is better than sex.
|
|
Postulate #2: Masturbation is better than nothing.
|
|
Conclusion: Masturbation is better than sex.
|
|
%
|
|
Pour guerir un acces de fievre
|
|
Un jeune homme poursuivit un lievre;
|
|
Il le prit a son trou,
|
|
Et fit faire un ragout
|
|
Des entrailles et des pattes au genievre.
|
|
-- Edward Gorey
|
|
%
|
|
Pouring out his troubles to his best friend over a couple of triple martinis,
|
|
Brad had to confess that things weren't going too well at home. "My wife and
|
|
I just don't hit it off at night," he was saying to Bart. "I hate to admit
|
|
it, but I'm afraid I just don't know how to make her happy."
|
|
"Hell, boy," said Bart, "there's really nothing to it. Let me
|
|
give you some advice. At bedtime, switch on a new Sinatra platter, turn
|
|
all the lights low and spray some perfume around the room. Next, tell
|
|
your wife to get into her sheerest nightie; then make sure you raise the
|
|
bottom window."
|
|
"Then what do I do?" asked Brad.
|
|
"Just whistle."
|
|
"Whistle?"
|
|
"That's right. I'll be waiting outside the window. When I hear
|
|
you whistle, I'll come right up and finish the job."
|
|
%
|
|
Pregnancy -- the worst sexually transmitted disease of them all.
|
|
%
|
|
Pregnancy begins with a single sell.
|
|
%
|
|
premature ejaculation, n:
|
|
A spoilspurt.
|
|
%
|
|
premature ejaculator, n:
|
|
Troubled shooter.
|
|
%
|
|
Premenstrual Syndrome:
|
|
Just before their periods women behave the way men do all the time.
|
|
%
|
|
Prince Absalom lay with his sister
|
|
And bundled and nibbled and kissed her,
|
|
But the kid was so tight,
|
|
And it was deep night --
|
|
Though he shot at the target, he missed her.
|
|
%
|
|
Printers do it without wrinkling the sheets.
|
|
%
|
|
Prior to this year's Rock & Roll Hall of Fame ceremony, [Cash] went to
|
|
the bathroom. "I was standing at the urinal, and Keith Richards walked
|
|
in... He said, 'Look at this, I'm pissing with Johnny Cash. We need a
|
|
picture of this.' I said, 'No, Keith, we *don't* need a picture of this.'"
|
|
-- Rolling Stone interview with Johnny Cash.
|
|
%
|
|
Procrastinators do it tomorrow.
|
|
%
|
|
Programmers do it bit by bit.
|
|
%
|
|
Programmers do it until it goes down.
|
|
%
|
|
Programmers get overlaid.
|
|
%
|
|
PROMOTION:
|
|
New title, new salary, new office, same old crap.
|
|
%
|
|
Prope mare erat tubulator
|
|
Qui virginem ingrediebatur.
|
|
Dessine ingressus
|
|
Audivi progressus:
|
|
Est mihi inquit tubulator.
|
|
%
|
|
Prostitution is the only business where you
|
|
can go into the hole and still come out ahead.
|
|
%
|
|
Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill.
|
|
Check three friends. If they're okay, you're it.
|
|
%
|
|
Psychiatry is quite similar to prostitution, only less honest. They
|
|
both promise to make people feel better, but the prostitute doesn't
|
|
make pretensions that the feelings will last once the client walks
|
|
out the door.
|
|
%
|
|
pubic hair, n:
|
|
Organic dental floss.
|
|
%
|
|
Puff the Jewish dragon lived in Palestine,
|
|
And frolicked in the Autumn mist,
|
|
And drank Manishiewitz wine.
|
|
Little Rabbi Jacob loved that rascal Puff,
|
|
And brought him soup and Matzah balls,
|
|
And other kosher stuff.
|
|
|
|
Then one day it happened, Puff was eating pork.
|
|
Little Rabbi Jacob took that dragon for a walk.
|
|
Gently he explained that dragons don't eat meat,
|
|
That come from little piggies who have dirty filthy feet.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Do you know how to tell a Polack at a cockfight?
|
|
A: He's the only one with a duck.
|
|
|
|
Q: Do you know how to tell an Aggie at a cockfight?
|
|
A: He's the only one who bets on the duck.
|
|
|
|
Q: And do you know how to tell the Mafia is at the cockfight?
|
|
A: The duck wins!
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?
|
|
A: No, but I bet it hurts like hell.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Heard about the <ethnic> who couldn't spell?
|
|
A: He spent the night in a warehouse.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How can a real man tell when his girl friend's having an orgasm.
|
|
A: Real men don't care.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How can you tell if a woman is ticklish?
|
|
A: Give her a couple of test tickles.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How can you tell the bride at a WASP wedding?
|
|
A: She's the one kissing the golden retriever.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How can you tell when a Polish girl's been sucking cock?
|
|
A: She has a mouthful of feathers.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How can you tell when a WASP is sexually aroused?
|
|
A: By the stiff upper lip.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How can you tell when your girlfriend has had an orgasm?
|
|
A: Who cares?
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How did Hellen Keller burn the side of her face?
|
|
A: She answered the iron.
|
|
|
|
Q: How did she burn the other side of her face?
|
|
A: They called back.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How do you fit 1000 dead babies into a phone booth?
|
|
A: Cusinart.
|
|
|
|
Q: How do you get them back out?
|
|
A: Doritos.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How do you get a woman to stop having sex with you?
|
|
A: Propose.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How do you hide an elephant in a cherry tree?
|
|
A: Paint his balls red and his toenails green.
|
|
|
|
Q: Ever see an elephant in a cherry tree?
|
|
A: No -- so it must work pretty well!
|
|
|
|
Q: How did Tarzan die?
|
|
A: Picking cherries!!!
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How do you know when it's time to wash the dishes?
|
|
A: Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How do you know your elephant had her period?
|
|
A: There's a nickel on your dresser and your mattress is missing.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How do you make a dead baby float?
|
|
A: With 2 scoops of dead baby and some rootbeer.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How do you pick up a quarter off of Polk Street?
|
|
A: Kick it over to Van Ness.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How do you play Religious Roulette?
|
|
A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck
|
|
by lightning first.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How do you tell if two elephants have been making love in
|
|
your backyard?
|
|
A: Your Hefty trashcan liners are missing.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher,
|
|
or an airline stewardess?
|
|
A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit."
|
|
A schoolteacher says: "We're just going to have to do this over
|
|
and over again until we get it right."
|
|
An airline stewardess says: "Just place this over your mouth and
|
|
nose and breathe normally."
|
|
|
|
... and bank tellers say "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal."
|
|
... and saleswomen say "Thank you, come again soon!"
|
|
... and WASP's say "Do you have that in a bigger size?"
|
|
... and piano teachers say "Keep those fingers arched! TEMPO! TEMPO!"
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How do you tell that your roommate's gay?
|
|
A: When his cock tastes like shit.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How does a girl know she's sleeping with a Computer Scientist?
|
|
A: It isn't hard.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How does a mink get babies?
|
|
A: The same way babies get minks.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How does the Polish Constitution differ from the American?
|
|
|
|
A: Under the Polish Constitution citizens are guaranteed freedom of
|
|
speech, but under the United States constitution they are
|
|
guaranteed freedom after speech.
|
|
|
|
-- being told in Poland, 1987
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How many Aggies does it take to eat an armadillo?
|
|
A: Three, one to eat it, and two to watch for traffic.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
|
|
A: Three, but they're really only one.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
|
|
A: NONE! AND THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!
|
|
|
|
Q: How many Radcliffe girls does it take to change a light bulb?
|
|
A: It's "Women"... AND IT'S NOT FUNNY!!
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How many gradual (sorry, that's supposed to be "graduate") students
|
|
does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
|
|
A: "I'm afraid we don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my
|
|
advisor a $30,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he
|
|
can tell me how to do the shit work for him so he can take the
|
|
credit for answering this incredibly vital question."
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light
|
|
bulb, in San Francisco?
|
|
A: Both of them.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
|
|
A: Ten. One to do it, and nine to talk about how gratifying it was
|
|
without a man.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess,
|
|
what would Cheetah have been?
|
|
A: A fur coat.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What can you use used tampons for?
|
|
A: Tea bags for vampires.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What did Jesus tell the Aggies?
|
|
A: Play dumb until the second coming.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What did the little ghetto-dweller get for Christmas?
|
|
A: Your bicycle.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What do a walrus and a tupperware container have in common?
|
|
A: They both like a tight seal.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What do elephants use instead of tampons?
|
|
A: Sheep. Well, they used to, anyway. There have been so many cases
|
|
of Toxic Flock Syndrome recently that their ewes has been discouraged.
|
|
|
|
Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
|
|
A: Sheep don't have strings.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What do two WASPs say after making love?
|
|
A: Thank you very much. It'll never happen again.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What do you call a blind, deaf-mute, quadriplegic Virginian?
|
|
A: Trustworthy.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What do you call a nun who has had a sex change operation?
|
|
A: A transistor.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What do you call a truck load of vibrators?
|
|
A: Toys for twats.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What do you call a woman who can suck a golf ball through 50 feet
|
|
of garden hose?
|
|
A: Darling.
|
|
[Often? Ed.]
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What do you call couples that use that rhythm method?
|
|
A: Parents.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What do you do if an Irishman throws a pin at you?
|
|
A: Run like hell, he's got a grenade in his mouth!!
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
|
|
A: Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What do you get when cross a lawyer with a sorority girl??
|
|
A: A woman that, when she goes down on you, gets blood.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What do you get when you cross a computer and a JAP?
|
|
A: A computer that won't go down.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a prostitute?
|
|
A: Your last blowjob.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole?
|
|
A: A thirty foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone!
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey?
|
|
A: Well, most of the time you get an onion with big ears, but every
|
|
once in a while you get a piece of ass that will bring tears to
|
|
your eyes...
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What do you have if you have a moth ball in one hand and a
|
|
moth ball in the other hand?
|
|
A: One hell of a big moth!
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What do you say to a New Yorker with a job?
|
|
A: Big Mac, fries and a Coke, please!
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What do you say to a Puerto Rican in a three-piece suit?
|
|
A: Will the defendant please rise?
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What does friendship among Soviet nationalities mean?
|
|
A: It means that the Armenians take the Russians by the hand; the
|
|
Russians take the Ukrainians by the hand; the Ukrainians take
|
|
the Uzbeks by the hand; and they all go and beat up the Jews.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What goes
|
|
Click. "Did I get it?"
|
|
Click. "Did I get it?"
|
|
Click. "Did I get it?"
|
|
Click. "Did I get it?"
|
|
A: Stevie Wonder doing the Rubik's Cube.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What goes green, red, green, red, pink, pink, pink?
|
|
A: A frog in a blender.
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you get if you add 2 eggs to it??
|
|
A: Frognogg. If you drink it, you croak.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What goes red, white, red, white, pink, pink, pink?
|
|
A: Baby in a blender.
|
|
|
|
Q: Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?
|
|
A: So you can watch the expression on its little face.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What is green and comes in Brownies?
|
|
A: Boy Scouts.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What is Smoorplay?
|
|
A: What Smurfs do before they smuck!
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What is the difference between snow-men and snow-women?
|
|
A: Snowballs!
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What's a JAP's (Jewish American Princess) dream house?
|
|
A: Fourteen rooms in Scarsdale, no kitchen, no bedroom.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What's a WASP's idea of open-mindedness?
|
|
A: Dating a Canadian.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What's black and white and red all over and can't go through
|
|
revolving doors?
|
|
A: A nun with a javelin through her head.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What's black and white and red all over?
|
|
A: Half a nun.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What's buried in Grant's tomb?
|
|
A: A corpse.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What's hard going in and soft and sticky coming out?
|
|
A: Chewing gum.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What's invisible and smells like carrots?
|
|
A: Bunny farts.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What's meaner than a pit bull with AIDS?
|
|
A: The guy that gave it to him.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What's more fearsome than a grizzly bear with AIDS?
|
|
A: The guy he got it from.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What's red and covered with little dents?
|
|
A: Snow White's cherry.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What's the contour integral around Western Europe?
|
|
A: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!
|
|
|
|
Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they
|
|
are removable!
|
|
|
|
Q: An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his
|
|
very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God?
|
|
A: Yes, up to isomorphism!
|
|
|
|
Q: What is a compact city?
|
|
A: It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted
|
|
policemen!
|
|
-- Peter Lax
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What's the difference between a cocker spaniel and a doberman
|
|
pinscher humping your leg?
|
|
A: You let the doberman finish.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
|
|
A: About four drinks.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What's the difference between a Fairy Tale, and a War Story?
|
|
A: Nothing, except Fairy Tales start off with "Once upon a time".
|
|
War Stories start off with "No shit, this really happened".
|
|
|
|
[I thought Fairy Tales started off, "Honey, I'm gonna be at the
|
|
office a little late, tonight... Ed.]
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What's the difference between a JAP and a baby elephant?
|
|
A: About 10 pounds.
|
|
|
|
Q: How do you make them the same?
|
|
A: Force feed the elephant.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What's the difference between a man and a toilet?
|
|
A: A toilet doesn't follow you around for a week after you flush it.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What's the difference between a man and the weekend?
|
|
A: The weekend never comes too soon.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a fast car?
|
|
A: Not everyone's been in a fast car.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
|
|
A: Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use
|
|
the whole bird...
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What's the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon
|
|
and Ronald Reagan?
|
|
A: One always told the truth, one always lied, and one can't tell the
|
|
difference.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What's the difference between hard and dark?
|
|
A: It stays dark all night.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What's the difference between the 1950's and the 1980's?
|
|
A: In the 80's, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly, "I'd
|
|
like some condoms," and then, leaning over the counter, whispers,
|
|
"and some cigarettes."
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What's the last thing that goes through a grasshopper's mind when
|
|
he hits your windshield?
|
|
A: His ass.
|
|
|
|
Q. What's the second-to-last thing to go through a grasshopper's
|
|
mind when he hits your windshield?
|
|
A. Oh, SHIT!!
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What's white and crawls up your leg?
|
|
A: Uncle Ben's Perverted Rice.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
|
|
A: Getting fingered by Captain Hook!
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Where does Catwoman go for a good time?
|
|
A: To the batpoles, Robin!
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Where does virgin wool come from?
|
|
A: Ugly sheep.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Why are babies born with soft spots on their heads?
|
|
A: So you can pick 'em up five at a time.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Why are Unix emulators like your right hand?
|
|
A: They're just pussy substitutes!
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Why can't Hellen Keller have children?
|
|
A: Because she's dead.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Why did Captain Kirk piss on the bridge?
|
|
A: He wanted to boldly go where no man had gone before!
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Why did God invent booze?
|
|
A: So ugly men could get laid too.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Why did Hellen Keller go all the way on her first date?
|
|
A: She'd never been taught to say no.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Why did Menachem Begin invade Lebanon?
|
|
A: To impress Jodie Foster.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Why did Ted Kennedy report the accident 8 hours after Mary
|
|
Jo Kopechne drowned?
|
|
A: Do you have any idea how hard it is to dress a woman underwater?
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Why do dogs lick their private parts?
|
|
A: Because they can.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Why do ducks have webbed feet?
|
|
A: To stamp out forest firest.
|
|
|
|
Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet?
|
|
A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Why do men die before their wives?
|
|
A: They want to.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Why do men marry women?
|
|
A: You can't teach sheep to do housework.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Why do mice have such small balls?
|
|
A: Very few of them know how to dance!
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
|
|
A: Because a sheep can hear the sound of a zipper from fifty feet away.
|
|
-- Iain MacKintosh, Glasgow folksinger
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Why do WASP's play golf ?
|
|
A: So they can dress like pimps.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Why do women have vaginas?
|
|
A: So when they're drunk, you can carry them like a six-pack.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Why do women love Pacman?
|
|
A: Only place you can get eaten three times for a quarter.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Why does an elephant have 4 feet?
|
|
A: Because 8 inches isn't enough.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
|
|
A: It scares the dogs!
|
|
|
|
Q: How can a blind skydiver tell when he is near the ground?
|
|
A: The leash goes slack.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Why is it that Mexico isn't sending anyone to the '84 summer games?
|
|
A: Anyone in Mexico who can run, swim or jump is already in LA.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Why is Poland just like the United States?
|
|
|
|
A: In the United States you can't buy anything for zlotys and in
|
|
Poland you can't either, while in the U.S. you can get whatever
|
|
you want for dollars, just as you can in Poland.
|
|
|
|
-- being told in Poland, 1987
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Why is Sister Pat the way she is?
|
|
A: Because when she was 16, a group of boys tied her up and
|
|
gang-rejected her.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Why was Cinderella banished from the Magic Kingdom?
|
|
A: For sitting on Pinocchio's face and screaming, "Tell the truth!
|
|
Tell a lie! Tell the truth! Tell a lie!"
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What's the difference between VMS and PMS?
|
|
|
|
A1: PMS is only a problem for some people.
|
|
A2: PMS is only a problem for part of the month.
|
|
A3: The drugstore has remedies for PMS.
|
|
A4: People with PMS get sympathy.
|
|
A5: People with PMS don't wish they were UNIX.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night?
|
|
A: Stay awake and wonder if there's a dog.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What's the difference between a hold-up and a stick-up?
|
|
A: Age.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
|
|
A: The taste.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What's the difference between "Oooh" and "Aaah"?
|
|
A: About three inches.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Why did the epileptic cross the road?
|
|
A: He couldn't help it.
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you do if an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub?
|
|
A: Throw in the dirty clothes and some laundry detergent.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Why do dogs lick their balls?
|
|
A: 'Cause they can!
|
|
|
|
(Real answer: 'Cause they can't curl their little paws into fists...)
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Why do elephants wear springs on their feet?
|
|
A: So they can jump into trees and rape mice.
|
|
|
|
Q: What is the most fearsome sound in the world to a mouse?
|
|
A: BOING!! BOING!! BOING!!
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"... was it a dream where you see yourself standing in sort-of
|
|
Sun-God robes, on a pyramid, with a thousand naked women screaming
|
|
and throwing little pickles at you? ... Why am I the only one
|
|
who has that dream?"
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"Are you into casual sex, or should I dress up?"
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"Do you smell something burning or is it me?"
|
|
-- Joan of Arc
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"Even the Statue of Liberty shaves her pits."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"He's on the same bus, but he's sure as hell got a different
|
|
ticket."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"He's so egotistical he yells his own name when he comes."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"I don't give a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
I get girls because of who I am... a rapist.
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
I met her [his fiance] over lunch on Thursday. She had a firm
|
|
grip. He's a lucky man.
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"I never met a man I couldn't drink handsome."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
I own my own body, but I share.
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"I say, and without apology, hang the bitch."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"I used to beat off so much in the shower, I'd get a hard on every
|
|
time it rained."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"I was a fifty-four-year-old virgin, but I'm all right now."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
I won't say he's unsavory, but for his birthday he bought himself
|
|
a pair of velcro gloves.
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"I'd crawl a mile over burning desert sand just to kiss the dick of
|
|
the guy who screwed her last."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"I'd drag my dick a mile over broken glass just to masturbate in
|
|
her shadow!"
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza... I might play
|
|
golf with her, but I wouldn't marry her!"
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
It *was* wonderfully polite of me. Usually I call the kind of
|
|
cretinous dipshit that pisses me off a ``fucking asshole.''
|
|
-- Richard Sexton
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten
|
|
who gets tied up."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"Let go of my ears, I know what I'm doing!"
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
Men come in four sizes -- small, medium, large, and "You're
|
|
going to put that thing *where*?"
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
My penis is better than corn, because corn doesn't squeal when
|
|
you stick those little prongs into it.
|
|
-- Mark-Jason Dominus
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
No, honey, I've never been circumsized; it's simply wear and tear.
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"One day, I'd like to wake up in the morning to find that every gay
|
|
and lesbian has lavender skin. On that morning, I will be -- mauve."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
Sex is like everything else. To get it done right, do it yourself.
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
She began coming, making noises like a small animal in pain.
|
|
Ouch! Ow! My paw! Ouch!!
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"She was so tough she rolled her own tampons."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
Talk about willing people... over half of them are willing to work
|
|
and the others are more than willing to watch them.
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"The difference between dark and hard is... it stays dark
|
|
all night."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"The marines and I have something in common; we're both looking for
|
|
a few good men!"
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"The only real difference between men and women is that men are
|
|
crabby all month long."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"Well, let's say she's friendly. Last year she was the Herpes
|
|
Poster Girl."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"What would the world be like without men? A lot of fat,
|
|
happy women."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"When she hauled ass, it took three trips."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"Whhoooooooeeeeeeeeeee, Elmer! Take a look at that purty young lady
|
|
over thar! Why, I'd walk a mile barefoot over barbed wire and broken
|
|
glass just to drive the truck that takes her panties to the cleaners!"
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"Whip me, beat me, come all over me, tell me you love me.
|
|
Then get the fuck out."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"You might as well say "yes", the sheets are messy already."
|
|
%
|
|
quickie, n:
|
|
A moment's piece.
|
|
%
|
|
quickie, n:
|
|
No sooner spread than done.
|
|
%
|
|
QWERT (kwirt) n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth] 1. a unit of weight
|
|
equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69 kiloliks), commonly used in
|
|
structural engineering 2. [Colloq.] one thirteenth the load that a fully
|
|
grown sligo can carry. 3. [Anat.] a painful irritation of the dermis
|
|
in the region of the anus 4. [Slang] person who excites in others the
|
|
symptoms of a qwert.
|
|
-- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed.
|
|
%
|
|
Ralph: Lisa, you have no tits and an awful tight pussy.
|
|
Lisa: Ralph... get off my back!!
|
|
%
|
|
randel, n:
|
|
A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an
|
|
apology for farting at a friend.
|
|
-- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure &
|
|
Preposterous Words
|
|
%
|
|
Raquel Welch: 36-24-36
|
|
Bo Derek: 35-24-36
|
|
Ann-Margaret: 37-25-36
|
|
Bette Middler: 37-25-36
|
|
Marilyn Monroe: 37-24-37
|
|
Jane Russell: 39-27-38
|
|
Jayne Mansfield: 40-23-37
|
|
Sophia Loren: 37-25-36
|
|
%
|
|
Rating women on the Budweiser scale; the number
|
|
of Clydesdales it would take to pull you off her.
|
|
%
|
|
Reach out and fuck someone.
|
|
%
|
|
Readers Ask:
|
|
Is it possible to kill a vampire with a gun?
|
|
|
|
Vampires are a source of great irritation to the average homeowner and it is
|
|
usually to one's advantage to remove these pests as rapidly as possible. If
|
|
a professional exterminator specializing in the undead is unavailable, it is
|
|
possible to handle the situation with common household items. However, much
|
|
of the common folklore of vanquishing the undead needs clarifying. First,
|
|
driving a sharpened Louisville Slugger through a vampire's heart will NOT kill
|
|
it. Since it's not quite alive, why would the heart be any different than
|
|
puncturing it in the, for example, left buttock? Stake driving should be
|
|
avoided at any cost since its effect will be to terribly annoy the vampire,
|
|
and the last thing you want on your hands is an irate Lord of Darkness.
|
|
Handguns are also a definite no-no. Common sense indicates that it requires
|
|
more to defeat an incarnation of evil than hurling lumps of lead or silver
|
|
through its body. One time-honored method is to expose the vampire to the
|
|
sun, sever its head (any power saw should be sufficient), fill its mouth with
|
|
holy wafers (vanilla wafers over which the Lord's prayer has been read will
|
|
do in a pinch), immerse the head in an urn filled with holy water, place the
|
|
urn in consecrated lands and bury the rest of the body underneath a crossroad
|
|
(i.e. the intersection of Broad & Chestnut). Sure, it's a lot of work. But
|
|
you'll never have to worry about those damn bats pestering the neighbors again.
|
|
%
|
|
real buddy, n:
|
|
Someone who'll go downtown and get two blowjobs, and come back
|
|
and give you one.
|
|
%
|
|
real class, adj:
|
|
When you're by yourself, fart, and say "Excuse me."
|
|
%
|
|
Real fur: the ultimate sadist symbol.
|
|
%
|
|
Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers
|
|
Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars
|
|
Reds and peyote to work out your bugs
|
|
These are a few of my favorite drugs.
|
|
|
|
Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout
|
|
Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out
|
|
Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs
|
|
These are a few of my favorite drugs.
|
|
|
|
Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys
|
|
Users of heroin, often called junkies
|
|
Methadone helps then to stop being thugs
|
|
Takes them off one of my favorite drugs.
|
|
|
|
On a bad trip
|
|
When the cops come
|
|
When I lose my head
|
|
I simply take more of my favorite drugs
|
|
And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead!
|
|
-- My Favorite Drugs, sung to "My Favorite Things"
|
|
%
|
|
Reformed, n:
|
|
A synagogue that closes for the Jewish holidays.
|
|
%
|
|
rejection, n:
|
|
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
|
|
%
|
|
Religion is fine, Churchianity sucks.
|
|
%
|
|
Remember, there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over.
|
|
-- Frank Zappa
|
|
%
|
|
Remember, when preparing a dish for bedtime,
|
|
champagne is the best tenderizer.
|
|
%
|
|
Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls? Only
|
|
sissies liked girls? What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's
|
|
changed. You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't grow
|
|
out of it. We just grow horny. That's the problem. We mix up liking
|
|
pussy for liking girls. Believe me, one couldn't have less to do with
|
|
the other.
|
|
-- Jules Feiffer
|
|
%
|
|
Returning from the men's room, a bar customer was sadly, shaking his head.
|
|
"What's the matter, buddy?", inquired the bartender.
|
|
"Well," replied the customer, "while I was in the men's room, I saw
|
|
someone had scribbled `Wendy gives really fabulous head; absolutely the best
|
|
blow job in the world!' on the wall."
|
|
"Ahh, hell," said the bartender. "Don't give it a second thought,
|
|
we get jerks in here like anywhere else."
|
|
"I know," snarled the headshaker. "One of them scratched out the
|
|
phone number!"
|
|
%
|
|
Revenge is sleeping with your enemy's wife.
|
|
Sweet revenge is the realization that she's a lousy lay.
|
|
%
|
|
rodeo fuck, n:
|
|
When you lean down and whisper in your lover's ear, "Honey, you're
|
|
the worst piece of ass I've ever had!". And then try to stay on
|
|
for seven seconds...
|
|
%
|
|
Rogue players do it with all sorts of different animals.
|
|
%
|
|
Roland was a warrior, from the land of the midnight sun,
|
|
With a Thompson gun for hire, fighting to be done.
|
|
The deal was made in Denmark, on a dark and stormy day,
|
|
So he set out for Biafra, to join the bloody fray.
|
|
Through sixty-six and seven, they fought the Congo war,
|
|
With their fingers on their triggers, knee deep in gore.
|
|
Days and nights they battled, the Bantu to their knees,
|
|
They killed to earn their living, and to help out the Congolese.
|
|
Roland the Thompson gunner...
|
|
His comrades fought beside him, Van Owen and the rest,
|
|
But of all the Thompson gunners, Roland was the best.
|
|
So the C.I.A decided, they wanted Roland dead,
|
|
That son-of-a-bitch Van Owen, blew off Roland's head.
|
|
Roland the headless Thompson gunner...
|
|
Roland searched the continent, for the man who'd done him in.
|
|
He found him in Mombasa, in a bar room drinking gin,
|
|
Roland aimed his Thompson gun, he didn't say a word,
|
|
But he blew Van Owen's body from there to Johannesburg.
|
|
The eternal Thompson gunner, still wandering through the night,
|
|
Now it's ten years later, but he stills keeps up the fight.
|
|
In Ireland, in Lebanon, in Palestine, in Berkeley,
|
|
Patty Hearst... heard the burst... of Roland's Thompson gun, and bought it.
|
|
-- Warren Zevon, "Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner"
|
|
%
|
|
ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
|
|
MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide
|
|
as a church-door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
|
|
%
|
|
Rosenberg wanted to leave the country.
|
|
"And what is *your* reason?" asks the official at the Passport Office.
|
|
"I am told a pogrom is being prepared. Against the Jews and the barbers,"
|
|
replies Rosenberg.
|
|
"Why the barbers?"
|
|
"Everybody asks that question. That's why I want to leave."
|
|
%
|
|
Roses on your piano isn't nearly as good as tulips on your organ.
|
|
%
|
|
Rugby is a game played by men with peculiarly shaped balls.
|
|
%
|
|
rugby, n:
|
|
A sport requiring leather balls.
|
|
%
|
|
Rumour has it that the intrepid New Zealanders have finally discovered
|
|
two new uses for sheep. Meat and wool.
|
|
%
|
|
Runners do it alone.
|
|
%
|
|
Said a dainty young whore named Ms. Meggs,
|
|
"The men like to spread my two legs,
|
|
Then slip in between,
|
|
If you know what I mean,
|
|
And leave me the white of their eggs."
|
|
%
|
|
Said a decadent wench of Bombay :
|
|
"This has been a most wonderful day.
|
|
Three cherry tarts,
|
|
At least twenty farts,
|
|
Two shits, and a bloody fine lay."
|
|
%
|
|
Said a girl who upon her divan
|
|
Was attacked by a virile young man:
|
|
"Such excess of passion
|
|
Is quite out of fashion"
|
|
And she fractured his wrist with her fan.
|
|
-- Edward Gorey
|
|
%
|
|
Said a happy young man of Fort Drum :
|
|
"What care I for this shortage of gum?
|
|
My favorite chew
|
|
Is a condom or two,
|
|
With a goodly amount of fresh come."
|
|
%
|
|
Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
|
|
"My favorite sport is coitus."
|
|
But a fullback from State,
|
|
Made her period late,
|
|
And now she has athlete's fetus.
|
|
%
|
|
Said a lecherous fellow named Shea,
|
|
When his prick wouldn't rise for a lay,
|
|
"You must seize it, and squeeze it,
|
|
And tease it, and please it,
|
|
For Rome wasn't built in a day."
|
|
%
|
|
Said a lesbian lady, "It's sad;
|
|
Of all the girls that I've had,
|
|
None gave me the thrill
|
|
Of real rapture until
|
|
I learned how to be a tribade."
|
|
%
|
|
Said a madam named Mamie La Farge
|
|
To a sailor just off of a barge,
|
|
"We have one girl that's dead,
|
|
With a hole in her head--
|
|
Of course there's a slight extra charge."
|
|
%
|
|
Said a modest young miss to de Sade,
|
|
I'm simply too shy and afraid
|
|
To take part in your pranks.
|
|
But to show you my thanks,
|
|
I'd just love to become your first aide.
|
|
%
|
|
Said a pornographistic young poet
|
|
"Although I perhaps do not show it,
|
|
My interest in sin
|
|
Is wearing quite thin,
|
|
And I'll soon tell those fuckers to stow it."
|
|
%
|
|
Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
|
|
Whose virtue was largely a myth,
|
|
"Try as hard as I can,
|
|
I can't find a man
|
|
That it's fun to be virtuous with!"
|
|
%
|
|
Said crew girl Angelica Bauer :
|
|
"The captain's withdrawn, cold, and sour."
|
|
Uhura said, "No,
|
|
At night that's not so--
|
|
He doesn't withdraw for an hour."
|
|
%
|
|
Said Einstein, "I have an equation
|
|
Which to some may seem Rabelaisian:
|
|
Let V be virginity
|
|
Approaching infinity;
|
|
Let P be a constant persuasion;
|
|
|
|
"Let V over P be inverted
|
|
With the square root of Mu inserted
|
|
N times into V ...
|
|
The result, Q.E.D.,
|
|
Is a relative!" Einstein asserted.
|
|
%
|
|
Said Francesca, "My lack of volition
|
|
Is leading me straight to perdition;
|
|
But I haven't the strength
|
|
To go to the length
|
|
Of making an act of contrition."
|
|
-- Edward Gorey
|
|
%
|
|
Said President Jobcock one day :
|
|
"War's better than love, I should say.
|
|
Instead of a virgin,
|
|
It's murder I'm urgin'--
|
|
You get lots more blood that-a-way."
|
|
%
|
|
Said sneering Mohammed el-Din :
|
|
"Only infidel dogs put it in.
|
|
Back home in Arabia
|
|
We nibble the labia
|
|
Till the juice dribbles off of our chin."
|
|
%
|
|
Said the cunt-lapping Bey of Algiers,
|
|
In a cunt halfway up to his ears :
|
|
"This nautch is delicious,
|
|
And without doubt nutritious.
|
|
She's my best-tasting wife in ten years!"
|
|
%
|
|
Said the Duchess of Danzer at tea,
|
|
"Young man, do you fart when you pee?"
|
|
I replied with some wit,
|
|
"Do you belch when you shit?"
|
|
I think that was one up for me.
|
|
%
|
|
Said the nun as the bishop withdrew,
|
|
"This must be our final adieu,
|
|
For the vicar is slicker,
|
|
And thicker, and quicker,
|
|
And two inches longer than you."
|
|
%
|
|
Saint Peteer was once heard to boast
|
|
That he'd had all the heavenly host :
|
|
The Father and Son,
|
|
And then - just for fun -
|
|
The hole in the Holy Ghost.
|
|
%
|
|
Sam Lefkovitz is having an intimate party to celebrate his thirty
|
|
immensely profitable years in the construction business.
|
|
"You know," he laments to his friends, "over the years I have
|
|
constructed dozens of enormous projects in and around this city, but
|
|
am I known as Sam the Builder? No.
|
|
And over the years I have contributed literally millions of
|
|
dollars to charitable causes of one sort or another, but am I called
|
|
Sam the Philanthropist? No sir!
|
|
But suck one little cock..."
|
|
%
|
|
San Francisco:
|
|
A nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to tie my shoelaces
|
|
there.
|
|
%
|
|
San Francisco is my kind of city,
|
|
Where the women are strong and the men are pretty.
|
|
%
|
|
Save a forest - eat a beaver!
|
|
%
|
|
Save a mouse, eat a pussy!
|
|
%
|
|
Save Soviet Jewry -- Win Valuable Prizes!!!!
|
|
%
|
|
Save the whales. Club a seal instead.
|
|
%
|
|
Says an airlining wanton named Vi:
|
|
"I'm a pantyless stew when I fly.
|
|
To a muffer's delight,
|
|
I'll take head on a flight,
|
|
So the guy can have pie in the sky."
|
|
%
|
|
schnuffel, n.:
|
|
A dog's practice of continuously nuzzling in your crotch in mixed
|
|
company.
|
|
-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
|
|
%
|
|
"Scott, baby," the sexually aggressive girl murmured as she guided
|
|
her date's finger to her clitoris, "This bud's for you."
|
|
%
|
|
Scratch the average female and you'll find a purring bundle... at the
|
|
ready to love and honor, bake a torte and still produce quintuplets.
|
|
-- Edgar Berman
|
|
%
|
|
SDW/M, 35, offers French lessons for ladies.
|
|
If you desire fluency in the French tongue,
|
|
this cunning linguist can lick your problem.
|
|
|
|
Fortune -- P.O. Box 478
|
|
%
|
|
Seems like there were these two dogs in a vet's waiting room, each eyeing
|
|
the other suspiciously. One of them turns to the other.
|
|
"What are you here for?" he asks.
|
|
"Well," replies the other, "I was feeling really bad the other day,
|
|
and Master's six year old son started bothering me. I tried to ignore it,
|
|
but I was feeling so rotten that I bit his hand."
|
|
"Yeah, I now what you mean. So, what are you here for?"
|
|
"Erm ... well ... Master reckons that I'm too vicious, so I'm going
|
|
to be ... you know ... I'm going to have the *operation*."
|
|
"Oh. Well, I'm sorry," sympathized the first dog.
|
|
Time passed. The about-to-be-neutered dog coughed politely.
|
|
"So," he asked, "What are you in here for?"
|
|
"Oh, nothing really," the other replied, embarrassed.
|
|
"Go on, I told you, it *can't* be as bad!"
|
|
"OK. Well, it's like this. The bitch next door was in heat, and so
|
|
I was feeling, you know, a bit randy. Then Mistress came into the kitchen
|
|
wearing a short skirt and no underwear, and she bent over. I just couldn't
|
|
resist it!" admitted the dog.
|
|
"Oh! So you're here for the operation too!"
|
|
"No," came the reply, "I'm here to have my nails clipped!"
|
|
%
|
|
Seems like these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three
|
|
were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, with
|
|
the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost
|
|
again, decided to appeal to a higher authority. "Oh, God!" he cried. "I
|
|
know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please show me a sign,
|
|
so they too will know that I understand Your laws."
|
|
It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his
|
|
plaint, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once
|
|
and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other
|
|
three disagreed, pointing out that stormclouds form on hot days.
|
|
So he asked again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am
|
|
right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign."
|
|
This time four stormclouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form
|
|
one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning knocked down a tree ten feet away from
|
|
the rabbis. The cloud dispersed at once. "I told you I was right!" insisted
|
|
the loner, but the others insisted that nothing had happened that could not
|
|
be explained by natural causes.
|
|
The insisting rabbi is all ready to ask for a *very big* sign when
|
|
just as he says "Oh God..." the sky turns pitch black, the earth shakes, and
|
|
a deep, booming voice intones, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"
|
|
The sky returns to normal. The one rabbi puts his hands on his hips
|
|
and snarls, "Well?" "Okay, okayyyy," replied another, "so now it's 3 to 2!"
|
|
%
|
|
Seems like this guy is hitting up on a woman in a bar. After assiduously
|
|
pursuing her for several minutes, she leans forward and tells him that he's
|
|
a nice guy and all that, but, well, that she's a lesbian. Confused, he asks
|
|
her what that means.
|
|
"Well," she replies, "you see that woman at the corner table?"
|
|
"Yeah..."
|
|
"I'd like to walk over to her, and unbottom her blouse."
|
|
"Yeah..."
|
|
"And then I'd like to kiss her and suck on her nipples... and
|
|
then I'd like to take off her skirt... and run my hand over her thighs..."
|
|
"Right! Right!" interrupts the guy. "I think I'm a lesbian too!"
|
|
%
|
|
Seems there was this traveling salesman who wandered into a brothel and
|
|
asked the madam for a woman who would give him the absolutely worst blow-job
|
|
imaginable. Not horny, just homesick.
|
|
%
|
|
Seems this guy notices a young nun sitting on the bus; through her heavy veil
|
|
he just spots a glimmer of her face. Gorgeous! She moves, and her vestments
|
|
cannot hide the fact she has a truly phenomenal body. The guy gets more and
|
|
more excited until he finally approaches the nun and tells "Sister, please
|
|
believe me, I don't normally do this sort of thing, but I think I love you.
|
|
Could we maybe talk?"
|
|
The nun almost runs off the bus. As the young man's stop comes up,
|
|
the bus driver asks the guy if he was the person bothering the nun. The man
|
|
starts apologizing, but the bus driver interrupts him. "No, don't apologize,
|
|
I was checking her out myself. Listen, you see where she got on? She goes
|
|
there every day, to a little park. Why don't you meet here there?"
|
|
Sure enough, the man goes to the park the next day and there's the nun
|
|
in a secluded grove of trees. He approaches her, and she seems, although shy,
|
|
much more willing to talk. After an hour of cautious talk, he asks her if
|
|
she'd be willing to make love with him. She blushes, smiles, blushes again
|
|
and says "yes". But that she doesn't dare risk getting pregnant, so it would
|
|
have to be the "back door".
|
|
As they start to make love, the young man is overcome with guilt;
|
|
panting, he says, "Sister, I have to tell you, I'm the guy who was annoying
|
|
you on the bus yesterday.
|
|
Replies the nun, "Well, that's okay. I'm not really a nun. I'm
|
|
actually the bus driver."
|
|
%
|
|
Seems to me that both the Democrats and the Republicans should change their
|
|
symbols to a contraceptive device; it stands for inflation, inhibits
|
|
production, protects a bunch of pricks and gives everyone a false sense of
|
|
security while they're being screwed.
|
|
%
|
|
Self-abuse is the most certain road to the grave.
|
|
-- Dr. George M. Calhoun, 1855
|
|
%
|
|
SEMINARS:
|
|
From 'semi' and 'arse', hence, any half-assed discussion.
|
|
%
|
|
Sen. Danforth: "There is nothing on the face of the album which would
|
|
notify you if the record has pornographic material or
|
|
material glorifying violence?"
|
|
Tipper Gore: "No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me."
|
|
Frank Zappa: "I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's legs on
|
|
the album cover is good indication that it's not for little
|
|
Johnny."
|
|
|
|
-- The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock
|
|
lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985
|
|
%
|
|
Send lawyers, guns, and money,
|
|
The shit has hit the fan.
|
|
-- Warren Zevon
|
|
%
|
|
Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote.
|
|
-- Grover Cleveland, 1905
|
|
%
|
|
Sentenced to two years hard labor (for sodomy), Oscar Wilde stood handcuffed
|
|
in driving rain waiting for transport to prison. "If this is the way Queen
|
|
Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked, "she doesn't deserve to have
|
|
any."
|
|
%
|
|
Sex and drugs and UNIX.
|
|
%
|
|
Sex and mathematics have one thing in common.
|
|
You can do each while thinking about the other.
|
|
%
|
|
Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
|
|
-- Sophia Loren
|
|
%
|
|
Sex is a biological function; kissing is a commitment.
|
|
%
|
|
Sex is better than grass, if you have the right pusher.
|
|
%
|
|
Sex is dirty, but only if you do it right.
|
|
%
|
|
Sex is great,
|
|
Sex is grand,
|
|
Sex around here,
|
|
Is mostly by hand.
|
|
%
|
|
Sex is just one damp thing after another.
|
|
%
|
|
Sex is like a bridge game --
|
|
If you have a good hand no partner is needed.
|
|
%
|
|
Sex is low in calories, and *oooh* that aftertaste!
|
|
%
|
|
Sex is nobody's business but the three people involved.
|
|
%
|
|
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
|
|
%
|
|
Sex is the poor man's opera.
|
|
-- G.B. Shaw
|
|
%
|
|
Sex is what women have and men want.
|
|
%
|
|
Sex; it's always best when one partner is at least a little bit desperate.
|
|
%
|
|
SEX-CHANGE NUN BECOMES TV WRESTLER!!!
|
|
details at 11!
|
|
%
|
|
Shamus: A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the
|
|
temple, and makes sure everything is in working order. A shamus is at
|
|
the bottom of the pecking order of synagog functionaries, and there's
|
|
a joke about that:
|
|
|
|
A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the middle of a
|
|
service,
|
|
"Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
|
|
The cantor, not to be bested, also cries out,
|
|
"Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
|
|
The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries,
|
|
"Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
|
|
The rabbi turns to the cantor and says,
|
|
"Look who thinks he's nobody!"
|
|
%
|
|
Share and enjoy, share and enjoy.
|
|
Journey through life with a plastic boy or girl by your side.
|
|
Let your pal be your guide.
|
|
And when it breaks down or starts to annoy,
|
|
or grinds when it moves and gives you no joy,
|
|
'cause it digs up your hat,
|
|
or has sex with your cat,
|
|
sprays oil on your wall or rips off your door,
|
|
and you get to the point you can't stand any more.
|
|
Bring it to us, we won't give a shit.
|
|
We'll tell you: "Go stick your head in a pig".
|
|
%
|
|
She Ain't Much to See, but She Looks Good Through the Bottom of a Glass
|
|
If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, I Wonder Who's I'd Find On You
|
|
I'm Ashamed to be Here, but Not Ashamed Enough to Leave
|
|
It's Commode Huggin' Time In The Valley
|
|
If You Want to Keep the Beer Real Cold, Put It Next to My Ex-wife's Heart
|
|
If You Get the Feeling That I Don't Love You, Feel Again
|
|
It's the Bottle Against the Bible in the Battle For Daddy's Soul
|
|
My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Miss Him
|
|
Don't Cut Any More Wood, Baby, 'Cause I'll Be Comin' Home With A Load
|
|
I Loved Her Face, But I Left Her Behind For You
|
|
-- proposed Country-Western song titles
|
|
%
|
|
She asked me if I loved her still.
|
|
"Yes," I replied. "I've never had you any other way."
|
|
%
|
|
She begged and she pleaded for more.
|
|
I said, "We've already had four,
|
|
And I'm sure that you've heard,
|
|
Though it's somewhat absurd,
|
|
That eros spelt backwards is sore."
|
|
%
|
|
She called her parakeet Onan, because he spilled his seed.
|
|
-- Dorothy Parker
|
|
%
|
|
She hates testicles, thus limiting the men she can admire to Democratic
|
|
candidates for president.
|
|
-- John Greenway, "The American Tradition",
|
|
on feminist Elizabeth Gould Davis
|
|
%
|
|
She made a thing of soft leather,
|
|
And topped off the end with a feather.
|
|
When she poked it inside her
|
|
She took off like a glider,
|
|
And gave up her lover forever.
|
|
%
|
|
She never liked zippers, she said,
|
|
Until she opened one in bed.
|
|
%
|
|
She stood there and peeled off her clothes,
|
|
And begged for a bang : goodness knows
|
|
I am surely impure
|
|
And I sizzled to scrure,
|
|
But the push had gone out of my hose.
|
|
%
|
|
She was a farmer's daughter but she couldn't keep her calves together.
|
|
%
|
|
She was coming round the mountain doin' ninety,
|
|
When the chain on her motorcycle broke,
|
|
Now she's lying in the grass,
|
|
With the muffler up her ass,
|
|
And her tits a-playin' Dixie on the spokes.
|
|
%
|
|
She was only:
|
|
a coal digger's daughter, but she'll always be mine.
|
|
a statistician's daughter, but she knew all the standard deviations.
|
|
a wrestler's daughter, but you should have seen her box.
|
|
a moonshiner's daughter, but I loved her still.
|
|
a chimney sweep's daughter, but she sure knew how to haul ash.
|
|
a fireman's daughter, but her face was a cause for alarm.
|
|
a banker's daughter, but she opened her drawers for cash.
|
|
%
|
|
She was peeved, and called her beau "Mr."
|
|
Not because, when she came in, he kr.,
|
|
But she knew, just before
|
|
She opened the door,
|
|
This same Mr. had kr. sr.
|
|
%
|
|
She was wearing a very tight skirt, and when she tried to board the Fifth
|
|
Avenue bus she found she couldn't lift her leg. She reached back and
|
|
unzipped her zipper. It didn't seem to do any good, so she reached back
|
|
and unzipped it again. Suddenly the man behind her lifted her up and put
|
|
her on the top step.
|
|
"How dare you?" she demanded.
|
|
"Well, lady," he said, "by the time you unzipped my fly for the
|
|
second time I thought we'd become good friends."
|
|
%
|
|
She wasn't what one could call pretty
|
|
And other girls offered her pity,
|
|
So nobody guessed
|
|
That her Wasserman test
|
|
Involved half the men in the city.
|
|
%
|
|
She's fine, upstanding, and wonderful laying down.
|
|
%
|
|
She's looking for: He's looking for: Foreplay:
|
|
1957 Someone who'll go Her: Finding a place to put
|
|
Mr. Nice Guy all the way her gum
|
|
Him: Wondering which word would
|
|
best describe her breasts
|
|
to the guys
|
|
|
|
1967 Someone who's got The first ten minutes
|
|
Mr. Natural rolling papers and of "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida"
|
|
will go all the way
|
|
|
|
1977 Someone who'll go Testing the batteries
|
|
Mr. Goodbar all the way in leg
|
|
warmers and a leather
|
|
face mask
|
|
|
|
1987 Someone who's never Examination of the genitalia
|
|
Mr. Clean gone all the way in under the magnifying glass
|
|
San Francisco that Grandma used for needle-
|
|
point before she passed away
|
|
-- Michael Corcoran, "National Lampoon", October 1987
|
|
%
|
|
She's the kind of woman you could fall madly in bed with.
|
|
%
|
|
Shit happens.
|
|
%
|
|
Shopping at this grody little computer store at the Galleria for a
|
|
totally awwwsome Apple. Fer suuure. I mean Apples are nice you
|
|
know? But, you know, there is this cute guy who works there and HE
|
|
says that VAX's are cooler! I mean I don't really know, you know?
|
|
He says that he has this totally tubular VAX at home and it's stuffed
|
|
with memory-to-the-max! Right, yeah. And he wants to take me home
|
|
to show it to me. Oh My God! I'm suuure. Gag me with a Prime!
|
|
%
|
|
Short man who dance with tall woman gets bust in mouth.
|
|
%
|
|
Shouted Frosty the Snowman "Hooray!
|
|
I'm agog with excitement today!
|
|
And the reason of course,
|
|
A reliable source,
|
|
Said the snow blower's heading this way!"
|
|
%
|
|
Showerbath: Natural venue for sexual adventures -- wash together, make love
|
|
together: only convenient overhead point in most apartments or hotel rooms
|
|
to attach a partner's hands. Don't pull down the fixture, however -- it
|
|
isn't weightbearing. See Discipline.
|
|
-- The Joy of Sex
|
|
%
|
|
Sighed a neat little package named Annie :
|
|
"I've the tits and the twat and the fanny,
|
|
Plus the yen, but the men
|
|
Only call now and then--
|
|
Can it be I've B.O. in my cranny?"
|
|
%
|
|
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
|
|
%
|
|
Sixteen'll get you twenty.
|
|
%
|
|
Size counts.
|
|
%
|
|
small, adj:
|
|
Is it in yet?
|
|
%
|
|
Smoking a woman is like kissing a fish.
|
|
%
|
|
Sniff sniff... Hey! Who farted?
|
|
%
|
|
Snow White:
|
|
"Gee guys, I've always dreamed of getting ten inches...
|
|
but not an inch-and-a-half at a time!
|
|
%
|
|
"Snyder's got a stiff ticket," said Kay,
|
|
"Come on, take it out, and let's play."
|
|
He pulled it on out,
|
|
But she started to pout,
|
|
His ticket was only a quarter-inch stout.
|
|
%
|
|
So, good night, you moonlit ladies,
|
|
Rock-a-bye sweet baby James.
|
|
Deep greens and blues are the colors I choose,
|
|
Won't you let me go down in my dreams?
|
|
And rock-a-bye sweet baby James.
|
|
-- James Taylor, "Rock-a-bye Sweet Baby James"
|
|
%
|
|
So here was this fellow of Strensall
|
|
Whose pecker was shaped like a pencil,
|
|
Anemic, 'tis true,
|
|
But an interesting screw,
|
|
Inasmuch as the tip was prehensile.
|
|
%
|
|
So, how's your love life?
|
|
Still holding your own?
|
|
%
|
|
So... if you could choose any nose in the whole wide world,
|
|
which one would you pick?
|
|
%
|
|
So it's ai yi yi yi,
|
|
Your mother scores more than Wayne Gretzky!
|
|
So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse,
|
|
And waltz me around by my willie!
|
|
|
|
There once was a man from Nantucket!
|
|
Whose cock was so long he could suck it!
|
|
He said with a grin,
|
|
As he wiped off his chin,
|
|
If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it!
|
|
|
|
So it's ai yi yi yi,
|
|
Your sister does squat thrusts on flag poles!
|
|
So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse,
|
|
And waltz me around by my willie!
|
|
|
|
There once was a young man from Boston!
|
|
Who drove around town in an Austin!
|
|
There was room for his ass,
|
|
And a gallon of gas,
|
|
So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em!
|
|
%
|
|
So it's ai yi yi yi,
|
|
Your sister swims out to meet troop ships!
|
|
So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse,
|
|
And waltz me around by my willie!
|
|
|
|
There once was a man from Racine!
|
|
Who invented a screwing machine!
|
|
Both concave and convex,
|
|
It could please either sex,
|
|
But, oh, what a bastard to clean!
|
|
|
|
So it's ai yi yi yi,
|
|
Your girlfriend douches with Drano!
|
|
So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse,
|
|
And waltz me around by my willie!
|
|
|
|
One night a girl had an affair!
|
|
With a fellow all covered with hair!
|
|
His enormous red whang,
|
|
Gave her a wonderful bang --
|
|
She'd been diddled by Smokey the bear!
|
|
%
|
|
So this elderly couple were sitting in their tiny cold water flat on the
|
|
lower East Side when the husband said, "Doris, we're in bad shape. Inflation
|
|
has eaten up our Social Security check. The next one isn't due for a week
|
|
and we've got no money left for food."
|
|
"Could I do anything to help?" she asked.
|
|
"Yes," he said. "I hate to see you do this but it's the only way.
|
|
You're going to have to go out and hustle."
|
|
"Me?" she asked. "At the age of sixty-five?"
|
|
"It's the only way," he said.
|
|
Resigned to the situation, she went out into the warm night. She came
|
|
staggering in early the next morning.
|
|
"How did you do?" asked the husband.
|
|
"Here," she said, "I've got four dollars and ten cents."
|
|
"Four dollars and ten cents," he said . "Who gave you the ten cents?"
|
|
"Everybody," she said.
|
|
%
|
|
So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even worse is, our
|
|
standards keep changing. Take Playboy magazine. Back in the 1950s, when
|
|
I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was considered just
|
|
about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever showed was women's
|
|
breasts. Granted, any given one of these breasts would have provided adequate
|
|
shelter for a family of four, but the overall effect was no more explicit
|
|
than many publications we think nothing of today, such as Sports Illustrated's
|
|
Annual Nipples Poking Through Swimsuits Issue.
|
|
-- Dave Barry
|
|
%
|
|
So this traveling salesman got an audience with the Pope.
|
|
"Hey, father," he said, "have you heard the joke about the two
|
|
Polacks who --"
|
|
"My son," the Pope reminded him, "I'm Polish."
|
|
The salesman thought for a moment.
|
|
"That's okay, Father," he said. "I'll tell it very slowly."
|
|
%
|
|
So you fucked up... you trusted us!
|
|
-- Animal House
|
|
%
|
|
So, your daughter was voted "Most Likely to Conceive",
|
|
and you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
|
|
%
|
|
Social interaction can be fatal. Come to Irvine and live forever.
|
|
%
|
|
Sodomy, fellatio, cunnilingus, pederasty,
|
|
Father, why do these words sound so nasty?
|
|
-- Hair
|
|
%
|
|
Sodomy is a pain in the ass.
|
|
%
|
|
SOFTWARE:
|
|
Formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
|
|
%
|
|
Some companies idea of playing ball is, you play ball with us,
|
|
and we'll stick the fucking bat up your ass.
|
|
%
|
|
Some Harvard men, stalwart and hairy,
|
|
Drank up several bottles of sherry;
|
|
In the Yard around three
|
|
They were shrieking with glee:
|
|
"Come on out, we are burning a fairy!"
|
|
-- Edward Gorey
|
|
%
|
|
Some of the greatest love affairs I've known have involved one actor,
|
|
unassisted.
|
|
-- Wilson Mizner
|
|
%
|
|
Some of the management around here are the final proof that the Indians
|
|
fucked the buffalo.
|
|
%
|
|
Some people seem to think that "damn" is God's last name.
|
|
%
|
|
Some women achieve greatness, some have greatness thrust into them.
|
|
%
|
|
Some women are like musical glasses.
|
|
To keep them in tune they must be wet.
|
|
-- Samuel Coleridge
|
|
%
|
|
Some women should be beaten regularly, like gongs.
|
|
-- Noel Coward
|
|
%
|
|
Something better...
|
|
|
|
13 (sympathetic): Oh, What happened? Did your parents lose a bet with God?
|
|
14 (complementary): You must love the little birdies to give them this to
|
|
perch on.
|
|
15 (scientific): Say, does that thing there influence the tides?
|
|
16 (obscure): Oh, I'd hate to see the grindstone.
|
|
17 (inquiry): When you stop to smell the flowers, are they afraid?
|
|
18 (french): Say, the pigs have refused to find any more truffles until you
|
|
leave.
|
|
19 (pornographic): Finally, a man who can satisfy two women at once.
|
|
20 (religious): The Lord giveth and He just kept on giving, didn't He.
|
|
21 (disgusting): Say, who mows your nose hair?
|
|
22 (paranoid): Keep that guy away from my cocaine!
|
|
23 (aromatic): It must be wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the
|
|
coffee ... in Brazil.
|
|
24 (appreciative): Oooo, how original. Most people just have their teeth
|
|
capped.
|
|
25 (dirty): Your name wouldn't be Dick, would it?
|
|
-- Steve Martin, "Roxanne"
|
|
%
|
|
Sometimes guys'll say to you, "Have a good one." I say, "I already have
|
|
a good one. Now I'm looking for a longer one."
|
|
-- George Carlin
|
|
%
|
|
Sometimes, you just gotta say "What the fuck."
|
|
-- Risky Business
|
|
%
|
|
Sorry 'bout that sweat, honey. That's just holy water.
|
|
-- Little Richard
|
|
%
|
|
SPINSTER:
|
|
Unlusted number.
|
|
%
|
|
Starkle, starkle, little twink,
|
|
Who the hell you are I think
|
|
I'm not as drunk as thinkle peep
|
|
I'm just a little slort of sheep.
|
|
Tee martoonis make a guy,
|
|
Feel so woozy, I don't know why.
|
|
So mass the pixer and kill my fup
|
|
I've all day sober to sunday up.
|
|
%
|
|
Statisticians do it with 95 percent confidence.
|
|
%
|
|
Statisticians probably do it.
|
|
%
|
|
Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me!!!
|
|
%
|
|
Stockmayer's Theorem:
|
|
If it looks easy, it's tough.
|
|
If it looks tough, it's damn well impossible.
|
|
%
|
|
STRAPLESS EVENING GOWN:
|
|
Bust truster.
|
|
%
|
|
stress, n:
|
|
The confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's
|
|
desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole who
|
|
desperately needs it.
|
|
%
|
|
subpoena, n:
|
|
From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male organ
|
|
or penis. Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls."
|
|
%
|
|
Success has many fathers, but failure is a bastard.
|
|
%
|
|
Success is like a fart -- only your own smells nice.
|
|
-- James P. Hogan
|
|
%
|
|
successful cunnilingus:
|
|
When you wake up the next morning with a face like a
|
|
frosted doughnut.
|
|
%
|
|
SUGAR DADDY:
|
|
A man who can afford to raise cain.
|
|
%
|
|
Sure, and of course I would vote for a woman for president!
|
|
Quite naturally, we wouldn't have to pay her so much.
|
|
%
|
|
Sure banking is Biblical!
|
|
|
|
How about when Onan received a substantial penalty for early withdrawal?
|
|
Or when Pharaoh's daughter went into the bulrushes and came out with a
|
|
little prophet? And it was Moses who led the Children of Israel to the
|
|
Banks of the Jordan!
|
|
%
|
|
Sure eating yoghurt will improve your sex life. People
|
|
know that if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
|
|
%
|
|
swallow, v:
|
|
The (blew) bird of birth control.
|
|
%
|
|
Systems people do it with a small, but clean, interface.
|
|
%
|
|
Take a look around you, tell me what you see,
|
|
A girl who thinks she's ordinary lookin' she has got the key.
|
|
If you can get close enough to look into her eyes
|
|
There's something special right behind the bitterness she hides.
|
|
And you're fair game,
|
|
You never know what she'll decide, you're fair game,
|
|
Just relax, enjoy the ride.
|
|
Find a way to reach her, make yourself a fool,
|
|
But do it with a little class, disregard the rules.
|
|
'Cause this one knows the bottom line, couldn't get a date.
|
|
The ugly duckling striking back, and she'll decide her fate.
|
|
(chorus)
|
|
The ones you never notice are the ones you have to watch.
|
|
She's pleasant and she's friendly while she's looking at your crotch.
|
|
Try your hand at conversation, gossip is a lie,
|
|
And sure enough she'll take you home and make you wanna die.
|
|
(chorus)
|
|
-- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Fair Game"
|
|
%
|
|
Taoism: Shit Happens.
|
|
Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit Happens".
|
|
Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
|
|
Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
|
|
Protestantism: Shit happens, but it happens to someone else.
|
|
Catholicism: Shit happens, but you deserved it.
|
|
Judaism: Why does shit always happen to US?
|
|
%
|
|
TAXIDERMIST:
|
|
A man who mounts animals.
|
|
%
|
|
Teaching undergraduates is like herding sheep. And, like the old Basque
|
|
sheepherder explained, whenever the livestock starts looking good to you,
|
|
it's time to spend a night in town.
|
|
%
|
|
tear leather:
|
|
To become excited, as in the sentence "Robin Hood tore
|
|
his leather jerkin' off."
|
|
%
|
|
tearing off a quicky:
|
|
Gunning the jump.
|
|
%
|
|
Teddy Kennedy: A Blond in Every Pond!
|
|
%
|
|
Teen-age prostitution: the problem is mounting!
|
|
%
|
|
Television is a whore. Any man who wants her full favors can have them
|
|
in five minutes with a pistol.
|
|
-- Hijacker, quoted in "Esquire"
|
|
%
|
|
Tell you what," the haberdasher said to a persistent job applicant. "I've
|
|
got one suit I can't sell -- that purple, green and yellow number over there.
|
|
If you can make that sale, you've not only got the job, you've got it for
|
|
life."
|
|
Then the store owner left for lunch. When he returned, he was shocked
|
|
to see the young man's clothes in tatters and his hands and face bleeding.
|
|
"My God, what happened to you?"
|
|
"I sold the suit! I sold the suit!" the young man shouted, a smile
|
|
on his bloodied lips.
|
|
"Congratulations," the haberdasher said. "You've got the job. But
|
|
what happened? Did the customer start a fight?"
|
|
"Oh, no," the new salesman replied. "But his Seeing Eye dog was
|
|
*pissed*."
|
|
%
|
|
Tequila my girl, is deceiving:
|
|
Take two at the very most.
|
|
Take three and you're under the table,
|
|
Take four and you're under the host.
|
|
%
|
|
Test makers do it:
|
|
A: sometimes
|
|
B: always
|
|
C: never
|
|
D: none of the above.
|
|
%
|
|
TEXAN:
|
|
A wet-back that didn't make Oklahoma.
|
|
%
|
|
Thank God for the Duchess of Gloucester,
|
|
She obliges all who accost her.
|
|
She welcomes the prick
|
|
Of Tom, Harry or Dick,
|
|
Or Baldwin, or even Lord Astor.
|
|
%
|
|
That girl could suck the chrome off a bumper.
|
|
%
|
|
That Harvard don down at El Djim --
|
|
Oh, wasn't it nasty of him,
|
|
With the whole harem randy,
|
|
The sheik himself handy,
|
|
To muss up a young camel's quim.
|
|
%
|
|
That naughty old Sappho of Greece
|
|
Said: "What I prefer to a piece
|
|
Is to have my pudenda
|
|
Rubbed hard by the enda
|
|
The little pink nose of my niece."
|
|
%
|
|
That reminds me of a friend of mine who went north to work on the Alaskan
|
|
pipeline. Before he went up there, he was just a skinny little runt. When
|
|
he got back, he was a husky fucker.
|
|
%
|
|
The abbess of a nunnery was instructing a group of novices on the house rules
|
|
of her particular order. The indoctrination period, which went on for hours,
|
|
began with "No washing of undies in the founts," and ended with "Lights out at
|
|
nine. Candles out at ten."
|
|
%
|
|
The acrobats - Tom and Louise-
|
|
Do an act in the nude on their knees.
|
|
They crawl down the aisle
|
|
While screwing dog-style,
|
|
As the orchestra plays Kilmer's "Trees."
|
|
%
|
|
The attractive and grief-stricken widow had been living in seclusion at the
|
|
home of her deceased husband's younger brother for several weeks. One evening,
|
|
when she could no longer control her emotions, she barged into her brother-in-
|
|
law's study and pleaded, "James, I want you to take off my dress." Shyly,
|
|
the brother-in-law did as she requested. "Now," she continued, "take off my
|
|
slip." He again complied. "And now," she said, with a slight blush, "remove
|
|
my panties and bra." Once more James obeyed her command.
|
|
Then, regaining her composure, she stared directly at the young man
|
|
and boldly announced, "I have only one more request, James. Don't ever let
|
|
me catch you wearing my things again."
|
|
%
|
|
The babe, with a cry brief and dismal,
|
|
Fell into the water baptismal;
|
|
Ere they'd gathered its plight,
|
|
It had sunk out of sight,
|
|
For the depth of the font was abysmal.
|
|
-- Edward Gorey
|
|
%
|
|
The bedsprings next door jounce and creak :
|
|
They have kept me awake for a week.
|
|
Why do newlyweds
|
|
Select squeaky beds
|
|
To develop their fucking technique?
|
|
%
|
|
The best way to cut off a cat's tail is to repossess his Jaguar.
|
|
%
|
|
The Bible says that woman was the last thing God made.
|
|
Evidently He made her on Saturday night. She reveals his fatigue.
|
|
-- Dumas
|
|
%
|
|
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that
|
|
sex for money usually costs a lot less.
|
|
-- Brendan Francis
|
|
%
|
|
The bishop of Alexandretta
|
|
Loved a girl and he couldn't forget her.
|
|
So he thought he'd enshrine her
|
|
As the Holy Vagina
|
|
In the Church of the Sacred French Letter.
|
|
%
|
|
The blacksmith told me before he died,
|
|
And I have no reason to believe that he lied,
|
|
That no matter how he tried,
|
|
His wife was never satisfied!
|
|
|
|
And so he built a bloody great wheel,
|
|
Harnessed to a cock of steel,
|
|
Two balls of brass were filled with cream,
|
|
And the whole damn thing was driven by steam.
|
|
|
|
Round and round went the bloody great wheel,
|
|
In and out went the cock of steel,
|
|
Till at last the maiden cried,
|
|
"Enough! Enough! I am satisfied!"
|
|
|
|
And now we come to the crucial bit --
|
|
There was no way of stopping it.
|
|
And she was split from hole to hole,
|
|
And the whole fucking thing was covered in shit...
|
|
%
|
|
The blind daters had really hit it off and at the end of the evening, as
|
|
they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said,
|
|
"Before we go any further, Charmaine, tell me -- do you have
|
|
any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?"
|
|
"As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot
|
|
fetish -- but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches."
|
|
%
|
|
The bottom-up approach always gets me buggered.
|
|
-- Sidney J. Hurtubise
|
|
%
|
|
The boys in the Epperson family all acquired fine educations except for Edward.
|
|
They made him go to school, but most of the time he just ignored what was said
|
|
there. Yet there were rare moments when he could display a bit of curiosity.
|
|
One day Edward was sitting at home looking at a magazine, and he said
|
|
to his brilliant older brother, Hud, he said, "Hud, what does fox pass mean?"
|
|
Brother Hud gave the question some deep consideration and then said,
|
|
"You must mean _faux_pas_."
|
|
"The way it's spelled," said dumb Ed, "it's fox pass."
|
|
Hud took a look at the way it was spelled and then said, "It's a French
|
|
phrase -- it means a social blunder. Remember last Sunday when the Bishop came
|
|
for dinner? Mother took him out in the garden and they were looking over the
|
|
roses when the Bishop got stuck on the thumb by a thorn. It was bleeding quite
|
|
a bit so Mother brought him in the house. They went into the bathroom together
|
|
and stayed quite a while, and when they came out we all went to the dinner
|
|
table. Remember all that, Ed?"
|
|
"Yeh."
|
|
"Now," Hud continued, "you recall that I was just getting to pass
|
|
the gravy when Mother said, 'Bishop, does your prick still throb?' The gravy
|
|
bowl flew out of my hands and hit the table, and the gravy splattered all
|
|
over everyone. And just at that point you, Brother Edward, you hollered,
|
|
'Sheee-itt!' You remember that?"
|
|
"Yeh."
|
|
"Well, when you hollered 'Sheee-itt!' that was a _faux_pas_."
|
|
%
|
|
The bustard's a remarkable fowl
|
|
With surely no reason to growl
|
|
He escapes what would be
|
|
Illegitimacy
|
|
By the grace of a fortunate vowel.
|
|
%
|
|
The butcher, the baker, the candlestick make her, why can't I?
|
|
%
|
|
The computer is the ultimate polluter:
|
|
Its shit is indistinguishable from the food it produces.
|
|
%
|
|
The country girl who became a city madam
|
|
has obviously gone from rags to rigids.
|
|
%
|
|
The cruelest of creatures' the crab
|
|
With claws that can pinch you or stab,
|
|
And then when you dine
|
|
On crab and white wine
|
|
It gets you as well with the tab.
|
|
%
|
|
The difference between a lawyer and a rooster is that
|
|
the rooster gets up in the morning and clucks defiance.
|
|
%
|
|
The difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball
|
|
is that you can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
|
|
%
|
|
The difference between graffiti and philosophy is the word "fuck".
|
|
%
|
|
The difference between her and the Titanic is that only 1100 men
|
|
went down on the Titanic.
|
|
%
|
|
The difference between like and love is the
|
|
same as the difference between a spit and a swallow.
|
|
%
|
|
The difference between this school and a cactus plant
|
|
is that the cactus has the pricks on the outside.
|
|
%
|
|
The difference between women and girls
|
|
is as much as twenty years in some states.
|
|
%
|
|
The Dowager Duchess of Spout
|
|
Collapsed at the height of a rout;
|
|
She found strength to say
|
|
As they bore her away:
|
|
"I should never have taken the trout."
|
|
-- Edward Gorey
|
|
%
|
|
The early worm gets the bird.
|
|
%
|
|
The ecumenical movement has reached a milestone with the agreement on the
|
|
text of the first Jewish-Catholic prayer -- one that begins "Oy vay, Maria".
|
|
%
|
|
The Enterprise crew when off work
|
|
Will fuck like an Ottoman Turk.
|
|
Uhura the Zulu
|
|
Is shcked up with Sulu,
|
|
And Spock shares a crew girl with Kirk.
|
|
%
|
|
The Enterprise girls, so one hears,
|
|
Have chased Spock for several years.
|
|
His look of disdain
|
|
Has spared them great pain,
|
|
For his prick is as sharp as his ears.
|
|
%
|
|
The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil
|
|
out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge.
|
|
-- New Libertarian Notes, #19
|
|
%
|
|
The fearless old bishop of Brest
|
|
Put his faith in the Lord to the test.
|
|
He fucked whores in the apse
|
|
With chancres and claps,
|
|
But first they were sprinkled and blessed.
|
|
%
|
|
The first child of a Mrs. Keats-Shelley
|
|
Came to light with its face in its belly;
|
|
Her second was born
|
|
With a hump and a horn,
|
|
And her third was as shapeles as jelly.
|
|
-- Edward Gorey
|
|
%
|
|
The first time we slept together she drove a recreational vehicle into
|
|
the bedroom.
|
|
-- Richard Lewis
|
|
%
|
|
The five-alarm fire had been raging out of control for hours, pouring thick,
|
|
black smoke over the street. At last the blaze was under control and the
|
|
fire chief began accounting for his men. Two were missing, so he ordered
|
|
a search. Captain Kelly finally rounded a fire truck parked in an alley
|
|
and found, to his shock, one fireman with his trousers down leaning over a
|
|
garbage can and another fireman screwing him in the ass.
|
|
"What's the meaning of this!", the captain roared.
|
|
"Jones here had passed out from smoke inhalation," the fireman on
|
|
top panted.
|
|
"You're supposed to give mouth to mouth resuscitation for that!"
|
|
the captain yelled.
|
|
"I know. That's what started this," the fireman replied.
|
|
%
|
|
The Fortune Travel Agency offers a special... Vacation in Hell!
|
|
-- Grace Kelly drives you to the airport.
|
|
-- Thurman Munson flies you to a remote tropical island.
|
|
-- Ted Kennedy's your chauffeur on the island.
|
|
-- You go yachting with Natalie Wood.
|
|
-- You have drinks with William Holden.
|
|
-- And Roman Polanski stays at home and watches your kids.
|
|
%
|
|
The fucking ain't worth the fighting.
|
|
%
|
|
The genital area of Ann
|
|
Will accommodate any size man,
|
|
From the wee that cause titters
|
|
To the mighty twat-splitters
|
|
That cause screams peasants hear in Japan.
|
|
%
|
|
The girls that go to see a man's etchings
|
|
may not know art, but they know what they like.
|
|
%
|
|
The good doctor had been an inspiration to the jungle natives. He had cured
|
|
their sick and taught them the religious and moral values of his own England.
|
|
He was loved and respected by every native in the village, but on this
|
|
particular afternoon the chief was obviously troubled as he entered the
|
|
doctor's hut. "You live among my people long time now," said the chief.
|
|
"You tell us not right for a man and girl to be close together before
|
|
marriage and we believe what you say. This morning white child born to
|
|
woman in village. You only white man in jungle. What I tell my people?"
|
|
The doctor smiled and led the chief to a window. "My son," he said,
|
|
"I'll won't attempt to give you a full scientific explanation for the
|
|
phenomenon known as an albino. But look at the flock of sheep upon that
|
|
hill. Every one is snow white except one. The white baby born to the
|
|
woman in your village means nothing more or less than that one black sheep
|
|
in the white flock. It is simply one of nature's mysterious accidents."
|
|
The black chief became embarrassed and looked at his feet. "OK, doc,"
|
|
he said. "You no tell -- I no tell."
|
|
%
|
|
The good news is that the horse is dead, but your mother's pregnant.
|
|
%
|
|
The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to dress up for it.
|
|
-- Truman Capote
|
|
%
|
|
The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of statistics.
|
|
These are raised to the nth degree, the cube roots are extracted, and the
|
|
results are arranged into elaborate and impressive displays. What must be
|
|
kept ever in mind, however, is that in every case, the figures are first
|
|
put down by a village watchman, and he puts down anything he damn well
|
|
pleases.
|
|
-- Sir Josiah Stamp
|
|
%
|
|
The greatest lies of all time:
|
|
(1) I love you.
|
|
(2) This won't hurt a bit.
|
|
(3) The Mercedes is paid for.
|
|
(4) The check is in the mail.
|
|
(5) I was just going to call you.
|
|
(6) I've always worn cowboy boots.
|
|
(7) I swear I won't come in your mouth.
|
|
(8) Of course I'll respect you in the morning.
|
|
(9) We have a really challenging assignment for you.
|
|
(10) I'm from the government, and I'm here to help you.
|
|
%
|
|
The Grecians were famed for fine art,
|
|
And buildings and stonework so smart.
|
|
They distinguished with poise
|
|
The men from the boys,
|
|
And used crowbars to keep them apart.
|
|
%
|
|
The hacker as a mate/lover and the signs of trouble:
|
|
|
|
-- The morning after note reads:
|
|
Whiting, Barbara:
|
|
I enjoyed last night. We really interfaced. You looked so cute
|
|
I wanted to byte your ear.
|
|
-- He believes Steve Wozniak offered the Apple to Adam.
|
|
-- The people he tries to emulate are five years his junior.
|
|
-- The last straw:
|
|
Once again, your date has lost all track of time debugging a new
|
|
program and shows up an hour late.
|
|
|
|
You Don't...:
|
|
Make nasty asides regarding his 5-1/4 inch floppy.
|
|
You Do...:
|
|
Remind him that "going down" doesn't necessarily
|
|
indicate a malfunction.
|
|
%
|
|
The harder they come, the more important it is to have
|
|
an extra-firm mattress.
|
|
%
|
|
The honest female orgasm is three to fifteen rhythmic contractions of the
|
|
outer third of the vagina at .8 second intervals, which is approximately
|
|
the beat of "Surfing Safari" by the Beach Boys. Unless these contractions
|
|
occur, you can regard her groaning, moaning, clawing, kicking, begging for
|
|
mercy, and shouting filthy religious epithets as bargain-basement histrionics.
|
|
-- John Hughes, National Lampoon
|
|
%
|
|
The honeymoon is over when a quickie before dinner refers to a short drink.
|
|
%
|
|
The hope that springs eternal
|
|
Springs right up your behind.
|
|
-- Ian Drury, "This Is What We Find"
|
|
%
|
|
The hungover couple dawdled over a midafternoon breakfast, after a
|
|
particularly wild all-night party held in their fashionable apartment.
|
|
"Dearest, this is rather embarrassing," said the husband, "but
|
|
was it you I made love to in the library last night?"
|
|
His wife looked at him reflectively and then asked, "About what
|
|
time?"
|
|
%
|
|
The husband was disturbed by his wife's indifferent attitude towards him
|
|
and the marriage counselor suggested he try being more aggressive in his
|
|
lovemaking.
|
|
"Act more like a romantic lover and less like a bored spouse," he
|
|
was advised. "When you go home, make love to her as soon as you meet --
|
|
even if it's right inside the front door."
|
|
At the next consultation, the adviser was pleased to hear that the
|
|
husband had followed his instructions. "And how did she react this time?"
|
|
the consultant asked.
|
|
"Well, to tell you the truth," the husband replied, "she was still
|
|
sort of indifferent. But one thing I've got to admit: her bridge club went
|
|
absolutely wild!"
|
|
%
|
|
The husband wired home that he had been able to wind up his business trip a
|
|
day early and would be home on Thursday. When he walked into his apartment,
|
|
however, he found his wife in bed with another man. Furious, he picked up his
|
|
bag and stormed out. He met his mother-in-law on the street, told her what
|
|
had happened and announced that he was filing for divorce in the morning.
|
|
"Give my daughter a chance to explain before you take any action,"
|
|
the older woman pleaded. Reluctantly, he agreed.
|
|
An hour later his mother-in-law phoned the husband at his club.
|
|
"I knew my daughter would have an explanation," she said, a note of triumph
|
|
in her voice. "She didn't receive your telegram!"
|
|
%
|
|
The Italian entry in the Eurovision Song Contest, "I Can't Get No
|
|
Contraception", has been withdrawn after the Pope advised them to
|
|
pull it out at the last minute.
|
|
-- Not the Nine O'Clock News
|
|
%
|
|
The king arranged a regal marriage for his daughter -- a bond that would unite
|
|
two great kingdoms. Yet, because the young couple seemed so formal to each
|
|
other, he posted a spy outside the royal wedding chamber and demanded a full
|
|
account of the wedding night's progress.
|
|
"It's hard to tell," said the spy the next morning. "When the prince
|
|
entered the chamber, I heard the princess say, quite formally, 'I offer you my
|
|
honor.' Then the prince said, with equal courtliness, 'I honor your offer.'
|
|
And that's the way it went all night long -- honor, offer, honor, offer.
|
|
%
|
|
The King named Oedipus Rex
|
|
Who started this fuss about sex
|
|
Put the world to great pains
|
|
By the spots and the stains
|
|
Which he made on his mother's pubex.
|
|
%
|
|
The King plugged the Queen's ass with mustard
|
|
To make her fuck hot, but got flustered,
|
|
And cried, "Oh, my dear,
|
|
I am coming, I fear,
|
|
But the mustard will make you come `plus tard'."
|
|
%
|
|
The kings of Peru were the Incas,
|
|
Who were known far and wide as great drincas.
|
|
They worshipped the sun
|
|
And had lots of fun,
|
|
But the peasants all thought they were stincas.
|
|
%
|
|
The largest gay community in the U.S. (as a percentage of total population)
|
|
is not in San Francisco, but in Iowa Falls, Minnesota (pop. 763), a small
|
|
town in which virtually everyone is gay. In 1976, a group of about 100
|
|
gays fleeing persecution in the South settled in the town, and soon won a
|
|
majority on the town council. Ordinances prohibiting heterosexual acts
|
|
soon followed. "After all," said mayor Harry Whalen, "If the Supreme Court
|
|
has refused to strike down laws prohibiting homosexual acts, then our
|
|
anti-straight laws are equally valid." Rigorous enforcement of those laws
|
|
has resulted in a community that is now almost 100% gay. Said one long-time
|
|
resident: "I've lived here 35 years and didn't want to leave, but I didn't
|
|
want to give up sex either. Then my neighbor Ed came over one night, and
|
|
said how about I do it with him, and my wife Millie could do it with his
|
|
wife. Well, I found it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was gonna be.
|
|
Fact is, I rather like it."
|
|
%
|
|
The lights are on,
|
|
but you're not home;
|
|
Your will
|
|
is not your own;
|
|
Your heart sweats,
|
|
Your teeth grind;
|
|
Another kiss
|
|
and you'll be mine...
|
|
|
|
You like to think that you're immune to the stuff
|
|
(Oh Yeah!)
|
|
It's closer to the truth to say you can't get enough;
|
|
You know you're gonna have to face it,
|
|
You're addicted to love!"
|
|
-- Robert Palmer
|
|
%
|
|
The little boy pointed to two dogs in the park and asked his father what
|
|
they were doing. "They're making puppies, son," replied the father.
|
|
That night, the boy wandered into his parents' room while they were
|
|
making love. Asked what they were doing, the father replied, "Making you
|
|
a baby brother."
|
|
"Gee, Dad," the boy pleaded, "turn her over -- I'd rather have a
|
|
puppy."
|
|
%
|
|
The little old lady rushed into the taxidermist and unwrapped a package
|
|
containing two recently deceased monkeys. Her instructions to the proprietor
|
|
were delivered in a welter of tears.
|
|
"Favorite pets... (blubber,sob)... caught cold... (moan)... Don't
|
|
see how I'll live without them... (weep,sob)... want to have them stuffed...
|
|
(blubber,blubber)!"
|
|
"Of course, madam," said the proprietor in an understanding voice,
|
|
"and would you care to have them mounted?"
|
|
"Oh, no," she sobbed, "shaking hands. They were just close friends."
|
|
%
|
|
The long-peckered Bey of Algiers
|
|
Loved to spear chubby lads in their rears.
|
|
A demon for semen,
|
|
This buffersome he-man
|
|
Shot the chute till it seeped from their ears.
|
|
%
|
|
The man and woman make love, attain climax, fall separate. Then she
|
|
whispers, "I'll tell you who I was thinking of if you tell me who you
|
|
were thinking of." Like most sex jokes the origins of the pleasant
|
|
exchange are obscure. But whatever the source, it seldom fails to evoke
|
|
a certain awful recognition.
|
|
-- Gore Vidal, "New York Review of Books"
|
|
%
|
|
The man-hating woman, like the cold woman, is largely imaginary. She
|
|
is simply a woman who has done her best to snare a man and has failed.
|
|
-- Norton
|
|
%
|
|
The Messiah will come. There will be a resurrection of the dead -- all
|
|
the things that Jews believed in before they got so damn sophisticated.
|
|
-- Rabbi Meir Kahane
|
|
%
|
|
The mind is its own place, and in itself
|
|
Can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven.
|
|
What matter where, if I be still the same,
|
|
And what I should be, all but less than he
|
|
Whom thunder hath made greater? here at least
|
|
We shall be free; the almighty hath not built
|
|
Here for his envy, will not drive us hence;
|
|
Here we may reign secure, and, in my choice,
|
|
To reign is worth ambition, though in Hell:
|
|
Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven.
|
|
-- Satan, Milton's "Paradise Lost", I, 254-263
|
|
%
|
|
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you're going to get.
|
|
%
|
|
The more I learn about women, the more I love my dog.
|
|
%
|
|
The most common form of marriage proposal: "YOU'RE WHAT!?"
|
|
%
|
|
The most pressing issue facing women today is finding a contraceptive
|
|
jelly that smells like a fresh fruit salad.
|
|
%
|
|
The most romantic thing any woman ever said to me in bed was
|
|
"Are you sure you're not a cop?"
|
|
-- Larry Brown
|
|
%
|
|
The most unfair thing about STDs (sexually transmitted diseases) is
|
|
that the guys who bought vasectomies have to wear condoms anyway.
|
|
%
|
|
The most unsatisfactory men are those who pride themselves on their
|
|
virility and regard sex as if it were some form of athletics at which
|
|
you win cups. It is a woman's spirit and mood which a man has to
|
|
stimulate in order to make sex interesting. The real lover is the
|
|
man who can thrill you by just touching your head or smiling into
|
|
your eyes - or just by staring into space.
|
|
-- Marilyn Monroe
|
|
%
|
|
The mother of the year should be a sterilized woman with two
|
|
adopted children.
|
|
-- Paul Ehrlich
|
|
%
|
|
The moving finger having writ... gestures.
|
|
%
|
|
The moyel who treated young Alec
|
|
Was cross-eyed and hydrocephalic.
|
|
Presented the child
|
|
His aim was so wild
|
|
He rendered the poor boy biphallic.
|
|
%
|
|
The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on
|
|
their wedding night and reprimanded him severly.
|
|
"I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at
|
|
the dinner table."
|
|
Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair
|
|
and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a
|
|
hint of a smile.
|
|
"Yes," replied the girl, "much better."
|
|
"Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you
|
|
be so kind as to please pass the pussy?"
|
|
%
|
|
The new cinematic emporium
|
|
Is not just a super-sensorium,
|
|
But a highly effectual
|
|
Heterosexual
|
|
Mutual masturbatorium.
|
|
%
|
|
The new priest was so nervous about performing his first mass that he could
|
|
hardly speak. He asked his Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor
|
|
replied that it might help relax him to add just a bit of vodka to the water
|
|
pitcher. The next Sunday, after following the Monsignor's advice, the priest
|
|
returned to the rectory to find a note from that worthy.
|
|
|
|
1. Next time sip rather than gulp.
|
|
2. There are ten commandments, not 12.
|
|
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
|
|
4. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
|
|
5. The recommended grace before meals is not,
|
|
"Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, Yaaaay, God!"
|
|
6. Do not refer to our Saviour, Jesus Christ, and his
|
|
Apostles as "J.C. and the Boys".
|
|
7. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
|
|
8. The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are never referred
|
|
to as, "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook".
|
|
9. It is always the Virgin Mary, never The Mary with the Cherry.
|
|
10. Last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be a
|
|
Taffy-Pulling Contest at St.Peter's, not a Peter-Pulling
|
|
Contest at St. Taffy's.
|
|
%
|
|
The new rooster caused a great stir in the barnyard. From resplendent comb
|
|
to defiant spurs, he was the picture of young bantamhood. Almost immediately
|
|
upon arrival, he was greeted by and elderly rooster who took him behind the
|
|
barn and whispered in his ear: "Young fellow, I'm long past my prime. All I
|
|
want now is peace and solitude. So you take over right now as ruler of the
|
|
roost with my blessings."
|
|
The newcomer did just that. He went about his squirely duties as only
|
|
a young rooster could. After several days, however, the elder rooster again
|
|
took the young champion behind the barn. "Kid," he said, "the hens are after
|
|
me for giving up my position so readily. So why don't we have a race, say,
|
|
ten laps around the farmhouse? The winner becomes undisputed keeper of the
|
|
henhouse and the hens will stop nagging me.
|
|
The young rooster, with only contempt for his elder, agreed.
|
|
Surprisingly, the older one jumped off to an early lead. His counterpart,
|
|
weakened by the activities of the previous week, was never quite able to
|
|
overtake him. As they rounded the barn for the fourth time, the elder rooster
|
|
maintained a formidable lead.
|
|
Suddenly, a shotgun blast rang out. The young rooster fell in the
|
|
dust, his plumage riddled with buckshot.
|
|
"Dammit, Emmy," said the farmer. "That's the last rooster we buy
|
|
from Ferguson. Four of 'em this month, and every one's been queer."
|
|
%
|
|
The nipples of Sarah Sarong
|
|
When excited are twelve inches long
|
|
This embarrassed her lover
|
|
Who was pained to discover
|
|
She expected no less of his dong
|
|
%
|
|
The notorious Duchess of Peels
|
|
Saw a fisherman fishing for eels.
|
|
Said she, "Would you mind? --
|
|
Shove one up my behind.
|
|
I am anxious to know how it feels."
|
|
%
|
|
The office brown-noser named Bunky
|
|
Would claim he was nobody's flunky.
|
|
But when the chips were all down,
|
|
His proboscis was brown,
|
|
And there hung many strands which were gunky.
|
|
%
|
|
The old archeologist, Throstle,
|
|
Discovered a marvelous fossil.
|
|
He knew from its bend
|
|
And the knot on the end,
|
|
T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle.
|
|
%
|
|
The once was a man from Bombay
|
|
Who modeled his cunts out of clay
|
|
So hot was his prick
|
|
That he turned them to brick
|
|
And rubbed all his foreskin away.
|
|
%
|
|
The only difference between your current lover and a doorknob is
|
|
that a doorknob warms up when you hold it.
|
|
%
|
|
The only difference between your girlfriend
|
|
and a barracuda is the nailpolish.
|
|
%
|
|
The only excuse for God is that he doesn't exist.
|
|
-- Stendhal
|
|
%
|
|
The only psychologically damaging thing about masturbation is
|
|
that there's nobody else to blame later for persuading you to do it.
|
|
%
|
|
The only thing faster than the speed of light is shit flowing downhill.
|
|
-- Mike O'Dell
|
|
%
|
|
The only way for writers to meet is to share a quick pee over a common
|
|
lamp-post.
|
|
-- Cyril Connolly, "Journal and Memoir"
|
|
%
|
|
The only way I can lose this election is if I'm caught in
|
|
bed with a dead girl or a live boy.
|
|
-- Edwin Edwards, Louisian governor
|
|
%
|
|
The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to
|
|
her if she is pretty and to someone else if she is plain.
|
|
-- Oscar Wilde
|
|
%
|
|
The only way you'll ever hear from
|
|
me is if you're living in the same hell.
|
|
-- Roy Harper
|
|
%
|
|
The operator's left hand quivered as she gingerly unlatched the
|
|
catch to the diskette reader. Uncontrollably, she reached down,
|
|
guiding the sharply pointed diskette into the deep, dark slot.
|
|
The floppy diskette nearly folded under the repeated thrusts of
|
|
her hand, until finally she could control it no longer, her right
|
|
hand instinctively taking an option zero. And then it all came at
|
|
once, thousands upon thousands of data bits flowing from diskette
|
|
to disk in a torrent of torrid transfer, as the helpless legs
|
|
of the 32 strained to remain on the floor.
|
|
%
|
|
The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me.
|
|
%
|
|
The outraged husband discovered his wife in bed with another man.
|
|
"What is the meaning of this?" he demanded. "Who is this fellow?"
|
|
"That seems like a fair question," said the wife, rolling over.
|
|
"What IS your name?"
|
|
%
|
|
The partition of Vavasour Scowles
|
|
Was a sickener: they came on his bowels
|
|
In a firkin; his brain
|
|
Was found clogging a drain,
|
|
And his toes were inside of some towels.
|
|
-- Edward Gorey
|
|
%
|
|
The penis mightier than the sword.
|
|
%
|
|
the perfect worman:
|
|
Four feet tall, no teeth and a flat head so you can rest
|
|
your drink.
|
|
|
|
[Pistol-grip ears? Ed.]
|
|
%
|
|
The pleasure is momentary,
|
|
The position ridiculous,
|
|
The expense damnable.
|
|
-- Chesterfield, on sex
|
|
%
|
|
The pleasure is transitory, the cost
|
|
prohibitive, and the position ridiculous.
|
|
-- Disraeli, on sex
|
|
%
|
|
The plural of spouse is spice.
|
|
-- R.A. Heinlein
|
|
%
|
|
The police were investigating the mysterious death of a prominent businessman
|
|
who had jumped from a window of his 11th story office. His voluptuous private
|
|
secretary could offer no explanation for the action but said that her boss had
|
|
been acting peculiarly ever since she started working for him a month ago.
|
|
"After my very first week on the job," she said, "I received a
|
|
twenty-dollar raise. At the end of the second week he called me into his
|
|
private office, gave me a lovely black nightie, five pairs of nylon stockings
|
|
and said, 'These are for a beautiful, efficient secretary.' At the end of the
|
|
third week he gave me a gorgeous mink stole. Then, this afternoon, he called me
|
|
into his private office again, presented me with this fabulous diamond bracelet
|
|
and asked me if I would consider making love to him and what it would cost.
|
|
I told him I would, and because he had been so nice to me, he could have it
|
|
for five dollars, although I was charging all the other boys in the office ten
|
|
dollars. That's when he jumped out the window."
|
|
%
|
|
The poor little doe
|
|
Crawled out of the woods,
|
|
Tired, bedraggled and blue.
|
|
"Look," she said, "What I did for a buck,
|
|
I should have asked for two!"
|
|
%
|
|
The Pope is working on a crossword puzzle one Sunday afternoon. He stops
|
|
for a moment, scratches his forehead, then asks a Cardinal, "Can you think
|
|
of a four-letter word for `woman' that ends in `u-n-t'?"
|
|
"Aunt," replies the Cardinal.
|
|
"Say, thanks," says the Pope. "You got an eraser?"
|
|
%
|
|
The prick of the engineer, Scott,
|
|
Fell off from Saturnian rot.
|
|
He went to the basement
|
|
And made a replacement
|
|
Of tungsten and plastic and snot.
|
|
%
|
|
The priest at Sunday mass noticed that Michael took a ten-dollar bill and two
|
|
one-dollar bills from the collection plate, instead of putting something in.
|
|
He thought to himself, I'd better watch out for Michael. The next week he
|
|
noticed the same thing. So he waited outside church when mass was over, and
|
|
as Michael came out, he accosted his and said,
|
|
"Michael, tell me -- why did you take out a ten-dollar bill and two
|
|
singles two weeks in a row, instead of putting money into the collection?"
|
|
Michael replied, "Father, I'm embarrassed, but I did it because I
|
|
wanted to go downtown for a blow job."
|
|
The priest looked surprised but said to Michael, "Listen, don't do
|
|
that anymore. I'll be watching you from now on."
|
|
When he got back to the rectory, the priest was still perplexed.
|
|
Finally he decided to call Mother Agatha at the convent. He said, "Mother,
|
|
you've been such a great friend of mine, I have a question I need to ask you.
|
|
What is a blow job?"
|
|
Mother Agatha replied, "Oh, twelve dollars, same as downtown."
|
|
%
|
|
The problem with being best man at a wedding
|
|
is that you never get a chance to prove it.
|
|
%
|
|
The problems with "Medflies" may have hurt Jerry Brown's chances to become a
|
|
Senator. After all, if they won't allow California fruit out of the state,
|
|
how is Brown going to get to Washington?
|
|
%
|
|
The public is an old woman. Let her maunder and mumble.
|
|
-- Thomas Carlyle
|
|
%
|
|
The quality of a blow-job is determined by the
|
|
length of sheet you have to pull out of your ass.
|
|
%
|
|
The randy old Bey of Algiers
|
|
Who'd confined his cock-poking to queers,
|
|
Tried a cunt for a change,
|
|
And remarked : "It felt strange ...
|
|
Just think what I've missed all these years!"
|
|
%
|
|
The real problem with fucking a sheep is that you have
|
|
to walk around in front every time you want to kiss her.
|
|
%
|
|
The real trouble with women is that they have *all* the pussy.
|
|
%
|
|
The reason big companies have lots and lots of meetings is because
|
|
they can't masturbate.
|
|
%
|
|
The reason Roman Catholics are allowed to use the
|
|
rhythm method of birth control is that it doesn't work.
|
|
%
|
|
The reason that sex is so popular is that it's centrally located.
|
|
%
|
|
The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
|
|
Called a girl a most elegant creature.
|
|
So she laid on her back
|
|
And, exposing her crack,
|
|
Said, "Fuck that, you old Sunday School Teacher!"
|
|
%
|
|
The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
|
|
Called a hen a most elegant creature.
|
|
The hen, pleased with that,
|
|
Laid an egg in his hat --
|
|
And thus did the hen reward Beecher.
|
|
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes
|
|
%
|
|
The REVERSE function works on the opposite SEXPR.
|
|
%
|
|
The rich man uses vaseline,
|
|
The poor man uses lard;
|
|
The worker uses axle grease
|
|
But gets it twice as hard.
|
|
%
|
|
The romantic young man sat on the park bench with a first date. He was
|
|
certain his charming words and manner would win her as they had many others.
|
|
"Some moon out tonight,"he cooed.
|
|
"There certainly is," she agreed.
|
|
"Some really bright stars in the sky."
|
|
She nodded.
|
|
"Some dew on the grass."
|
|
"Some do," she said indignantly, "but I'm not that sort."
|
|
%
|
|
The San Francisco police are nothing if not sensitive to the mood of the
|
|
community. The word is that Dirty Harry has been replaced by Bitchy Gerald.
|
|
%
|
|
The sergeant walked into the shower and caught me giving myself a
|
|
dishonorable discharge. Without missing a beat, I said...
|
|
"It's my dick and I can wash it as fast as I want!"
|
|
%
|
|
The sex act is the funniest thing on the face of this earth.
|
|
-- Diana Rigg
|
|
%
|
|
The sex life of spiders is very interesting.
|
|
He fucks her.
|
|
She bites his head off.
|
|
-- From a Women's Lib Poster
|
|
%
|
|
The sex was nice, but confusing. The whole situation kept going di-polar
|
|
on Sta-Hi. One instant Misty would seem like a lovely warm girl who'd
|
|
survived a terrible injury, like a lost puppy to be stroked, a lonely
|
|
woman to be husbanded. But then he'd start thinking of the wires behind
|
|
her eyes, and he'd be screwing a machine, an inanimate object, a public
|
|
toilet. Just like with any other woman for him, really.
|
|
-- Rudy Rucker, "Software"
|
|
%
|
|
The Shah of the Empire of Persia
|
|
Lay for days in a sexual merger.
|
|
When the nautch asked the Shah,
|
|
"Won't you ever withdraw?"
|
|
He replied with a yawn, "It's inertia."
|
|
%
|
|
The shy young man had been married for three months when he reported to his
|
|
doctor that his marriage was still in name only. The doctor, after hearing
|
|
the sad tale, told him that waiting until bedtime to make advances was causing
|
|
psychological pressure and advised him to take advantage of the next time he
|
|
felt in the mood. A week later, the doctor happened to meet the man again,
|
|
and noticed a new spring in his step. "My advice worked, I take it?" he
|
|
inquired.
|
|
The young man grinned. "Perfectly. The other night, we were having
|
|
supper, and as I reached for the salt -- so did she! Our hands touched... It
|
|
was as if an electric current ran through us. I leaped to my feet, swept the
|
|
dishes from the table and then and there consummated our marriage! There's
|
|
just one problem, however. We can't go back to The Four Seasons again..."
|
|
%
|
|
The sight of his guests filled Lord Cray
|
|
At breakfast with horrid dismay,
|
|
So he launched off the spoons
|
|
The pits from his prunes
|
|
At their heads as they neared the buffet.
|
|
-- Edward Gorey
|
|
%
|
|
The skater, Barbara Ann Scott
|
|
Is so fuckingly "winsome" a snot,
|
|
That when posed on her toes
|
|
She elaborately shows
|
|
Teeth, fat ass, titties and twat.
|
|
%
|
|
The spouse of a pretty young thing
|
|
Came home from the wars in the spring.
|
|
He was lame but he came
|
|
With his dame like a flame --
|
|
A discharge is a wonderful thing.
|
|
%
|
|
The star of that X-rated hit
|
|
Plays a nurse with a throat full of clit.
|
|
This serves as a palace
|
|
For each turgid phallus--
|
|
Some say that the plot is pure shit.
|
|
%
|
|
The Stealth Condom -- they'll never see you coming.
|
|
%
|
|
The struggling for knowledge has a pleasure in it
|
|
like that of wrestling with a fine woman.
|
|
-- Lord Halifax
|
|
%
|
|
The Sultan was peeved with his harem,
|
|
And cooked up a scheme for to scare'em.
|
|
He caught a big mouse
|
|
Which he loosed in the house.
|
|
(Such confusion is called harem-scarem).
|
|
%
|
|
The sun was shining brightly The breeze was blowing briskly,
|
|
And I could hardly wait, It made the flowers sway,
|
|
To ponder at my window The garden was enchanting
|
|
And gaze at my estate. On this inspiring day.
|
|
|
|
My eyes fell on a little bird, I smiled at him cheerfully
|
|
With a beautiful yellow bill, And gave him a crust of bread,
|
|
I beckoned him to come and light And then I closed the window
|
|
Upon my window sill. And smashed his fucking head.
|
|
-- "Good Morning", Debbie Smith
|
|
%
|
|
"The testes are cooler outside,"
|
|
Said the doc to the curious bride,
|
|
"For the semen must not
|
|
Get too fucking hot,
|
|
And the bag fans your bum on the ride."
|
|
%
|
|
The three faithful things in life are money, a dog and an old woman.
|
|
%
|
|
The three most important parts of a stove: lifter, leg, and poker.
|
|
%
|
|
The three sexual positions during pregnancy.
|
|
|
|
During the first four months: Missionary style
|
|
During the second four months: Doggie style
|
|
And during the last month: Coyote style
|
|
|
|
Coyote style?
|
|
You sit by the hole and howl.
|
|
%
|
|
The time has come for kicking ass and taking names.
|
|
%
|
|
The townspeople stood in despair as the fire that had begun in a diner
|
|
threatened to spread to adjoining homes. Just then, a truck filled with
|
|
farm workers came speeding down a hill toward the fire. The crowd moved
|
|
back and the truck drove right into the thickest of the flames. The workers
|
|
jumped out and beat at the fire with their coats, miraculously bringing the
|
|
blaze under control.
|
|
The city fathers were so grateful for the men's heroism that they
|
|
gave each a plaque and $1000. After the ceremony, newsmen interviewed the
|
|
driver and asked him what he was going to do with the money.
|
|
"You can be damned sure the first thing I'm gonna do," he replied,
|
|
"is get the brakes fixed on that son-of-a-bitchin' truck!"
|
|
%
|
|
The truth about a woman often lasts longer than the woman is true.
|
|
%
|
|
The two couples were enjoying their vacation together at a resort hotel. They
|
|
were in the middle of a game of Scrabble in the lobby when a thunderstorm cut
|
|
off the hotel's electricity, leaving little to do but retire to their rooms.
|
|
Bill was a rather devout man, so before getting into bed with his companion,
|
|
he said his prayers. As he got under the covers, the lightning suddenly
|
|
flashed through the window and he discovered that he was in the wrong room.
|
|
He instantly jumped up and started to dash for the hallway. "It's too late,
|
|
called the girl from the bed, "my guy doesn't pray."
|
|
%
|
|
The two men feigned friendship but secretly hated each other's guts and took
|
|
great pleasure in giving one another the needle on any and all occasions.
|
|
This particular evening they met, quite by accident, at a popular bar.
|
|
The conversation started innocently enough; then one, with sudden inspiration,
|
|
ran his hand over the other's bald head and exclaimed,
|
|
"By God, Fred, that feels just like my wife's ass!"
|
|
The other ran his own hand over his head and nonchalantly retorted,
|
|
"Well, I'll be damned, Jim, so it does, so it does!"
|
|
%
|
|
The two things that you should never lend out are your car
|
|
or your woman. Someone's bound to throw a rod in either one.
|
|
%
|
|
The Unitarians are really just a bunch of atheists who really
|
|
like going to church.
|
|
%
|
|
The Utah version of this joke goes:
|
|
One of the Council of the Twelve runs breathlessly into the Presidents'
|
|
office one day. The President looks up and says "Brother, what is so important
|
|
that you ran all the way here, losing your breath?"
|
|
The Council member finally regains his breath, and says "The Savior is
|
|
in the lobby!!"
|
|
The President immediate starts for the door, crying "It has come! The
|
|
prophecies are fulfilled! We are all about to be uplifted!"
|
|
The Council member says "Wait! You didn't let me finish! She's...
|
|
black, and SHE IS PISSED!"
|
|
%
|
|
The very proper spinster didn't go out very often, but she had some important
|
|
shopping to do that morning and so decided to have her lunch in what appeared
|
|
to be a nice quiet respectable restaurant. With the noontime crowd, many
|
|
customers shared their tables with strangers; the spinster selected a seat
|
|
next to an attractive, young office girl. The girl finished her sandwich and
|
|
coffee, then settled back and lit up a cigarette. The older woman controlled
|
|
herself for a few moments and then snapped,
|
|
"I'd rather commit adultery than smoke in public."
|
|
"So would I," said the girl, "but I only have half an hour for lunch."
|
|
%
|
|
The voters have spoken, the bastards...
|
|
%
|
|
The wages of sin are high -- unless you know someone who does it for nothing.
|
|
%
|
|
The warden of the De Luxington preparatory school for boys was holding a
|
|
hearing. The lad before his desk, a very popular young fellow, was angrily
|
|
accusing one of his schoolmates of having assaulted him sexually.
|
|
"I must warn you, m'boy, this is a very serious charge, the warden
|
|
said.
|
|
"I don't care. I tell you it is true. He raped me, warden." The
|
|
youth pointed to another, somewhat larger boy smirking in the corner.
|
|
"That's him, sir, the one who forced me to do all those crimes against
|
|
nature. The bully!"
|
|
"Now tell me, son, as closely as you can, when this happened."
|
|
"Sir, two weeks ago on Wednesday at 4:00, then at 7:00 that same
|
|
evening, on Friday, twice on Saturday, two times on Monday, once on
|
|
Wednesday, and then he met that bitch Roy and he hasn't touched me since."
|
|
%
|
|
The whole religious complexion of the modern world is due to the
|
|
absence from Jerusalem of a lunatic asylum.
|
|
-- Havelock Ellis
|
|
%
|
|
The wife of young Richard of Limerick
|
|
Complained to her husband, "My quim, Rick,
|
|
Still grows in diameter
|
|
Each time that you ram at her;
|
|
How can your poor tool stay so slim, Rick?"
|
|
%
|
|
The woman who lives on the moon
|
|
Is still cherishing the balloon
|
|
Of an earthling who'd come
|
|
And given her some,
|
|
But had dribbled away all too soon.
|
|
%
|
|
The woman you buy -- and she is the least expensive -- takes a great
|
|
deal of money. The woman who gives herself takes all your time.
|
|
-- Balzac
|
|
%
|
|
The word `spine' is, of course, an anagram of `penis'. This is true in
|
|
almost fifty percent of the languages of the Galaxy, and many people have
|
|
attempted to explain why. Usually these explanations get bogged down in
|
|
silly puns about "standing erect".
|
|
%
|
|
The work of Mess Sergeant Potgieter
|
|
Is not merely reading a meter.
|
|
By orders of Kirk
|
|
A part of his work
|
|
Is dosing the food with saltpeter.
|
|
%
|
|
The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit.
|
|
%
|
|
The world is so full of a number of things,
|
|
I'm sure we should all be as happy as kings.
|
|
I'll tell you a story--
|
|
It won't take me long--
|
|
Of a brother and sister whose tale is my song.
|
|
|
|
There was an old fellow and what do you think?
|
|
He lived on the cheese that he scraped from his dink.
|
|
He whacked it, he hacked it,
|
|
He ate it with glee-
|
|
Was there ever a fellow so happy as he?
|
|
|
|
This charming old chap had a sister as well :
|
|
She was ugly and gaunt, with a horrible smell.
|
|
Her cunt was so dirty
|
|
It stank like a beast,
|
|
And the odor killed flies as they gathered to feast.
|
|
|
|
What a wonderful family! What marvelous style!
|
|
I'll bet you and I aren't close by a mile.
|
|
Their odor and diet
|
|
Won't soon be forgotten,
|
|
And one day you and I may be equally rotten.
|
|
%
|
|
The young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her
|
|
first visit home since starting college.
|
|
"Mom, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity
|
|
last weekend."
|
|
"I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner
|
|
or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience."
|
|
"Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked. "The first eight
|
|
guys felt great, but after them my pussy got real sore."
|
|
%
|
|
The young stud walked into a bordello. After he took his clothes off, the
|
|
woman was puzzled to see him put a clothespin on his nose, stuff cotton in
|
|
his ears, and put a prophylactic on his penis.
|
|
"Hey," she asked, "what the hell are you doing?"
|
|
"Well, ma'am", replied the stud, "there are two things I just can't
|
|
stand. A screaming woman and the smell of burning rubber."
|
|
%
|
|
Then there was the girl who was engaged
|
|
to a gymnast -- 'til he broke it off.
|
|
%
|
|
Then there was the girl whose boyfriend didn't smoke, drink or
|
|
swear, and never, ever made a pass at her. He also made his own dresses.
|
|
%
|
|
Then there was the guy that got badly messed up fighting
|
|
for his girl's honor. It seems she wanted to keep it.
|
|
%
|
|
Then there was the middle-aged businessman who took his spouse to Paris.
|
|
After traipsing with her from one mansion du couture to another, be begged
|
|
for a day off to rest and got it. With the wife gone shopping again, he
|
|
went to the Ritz Bar and picked up a luscious parisienne. They got on
|
|
well until the question of money came up. She wanted a hundred American
|
|
dollars; he offered fifty. They couldn't get together on the price; so
|
|
they didn't get together. That evening he escorted his wife to one of the
|
|
nicer restaurants on the Rue de Rivoli, and there he spotted his gorgeous
|
|
babe of the afternoon seated at a table near the door.
|
|
"See, monsieur?" she said as they passed her. "Look what you got
|
|
for your lousy fifty bucks."
|
|
%
|
|
Then there was the Scot that wanted to rob a jewelry store -- he tossed a
|
|
brick through the show window and ran off with a king's ransom. They
|
|
caught him when he came back for the brick.
|
|
%
|
|
There are a couple of things about her I greatly admire.
|
|
%
|
|
There are Jews in the world, there are Buddhists, Every sperm is sacred,
|
|
there are Hindus and Mormons and then Every sperm is great,
|
|
there are those that follow Mohammed ...But... If a sperm is wasted,
|
|
I've never been one of them. God gets quite irate.
|
|
|
|
I am a Roman Catholic Every sperm is wanted,
|
|
And have been since before I was born, Every sperm is good.
|
|
And the one thing they say about Catholics is Every sperm is needed,
|
|
They'll take you as soon as you're warm. In your neighborhood.
|
|
|
|
You don't have to be a six-footer. Let the heathens spill theirs,
|
|
You don't have to have a great brain. On the dusty ground.
|
|
You don't have to have any clothes on, God shall make them pay for
|
|
You're a Catholic the moment Dad came Each sperm that can't be found.
|
|
...Because...
|
|
|
|
Hindu, Taoist, Mormon, Every sperm is useful,
|
|
spill theirs just anywhere Every sperm is fine.
|
|
but God loves those who treat their God needs everybodies,
|
|
semen with more care. Mine, and mine, and mine.
|
|
-- Monty Python, "Every Sperm is Sacred"
|
|
%
|
|
There are many ways to say "I love you", but fucking is the fastest.
|
|
%
|
|
There are only six Democrats in all of Hinsdale County and you, you son of
|
|
a bitch, you ate five of them.
|
|
-- Colorado judge, sentencing Alfred E. Packer for
|
|
cannibalism in 1874.
|
|
%
|
|
There are so many people wanting a piece of my ass that some of them
|
|
are having to take turns.
|
|
-- T.K.
|
|
%
|
|
There are some things we mustn't expose,
|
|
So we hide them away in our clothes.
|
|
Oh, it's shocking to stare
|
|
At what's certainly there--
|
|
But why this is so, heaven knows.
|
|
%
|
|
There are three women on the fast track in a particular company. The
|
|
president realizes it's time to promote one of them, but they're all so
|
|
competent that he's not sure which one to choose. So he devises a little
|
|
test. One day while they're all at lunch, he places $500 on each of their
|
|
desks. #1 returns it to him immediately. #2 pockets it. #3 invests
|
|
in the market and returns $1,500 to him in the morning. Who gets the
|
|
promotion? The one with the big tits!
|
|
%
|
|
There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.
|
|
%
|
|
There are two trees in the forest. They are very proud trees. One day
|
|
they notice a sapling half-way between them.
|
|
One tree proclaims, "That is a son of beech!"
|
|
"No, that is a son of a birch!" insists the other.
|
|
"A son of a BEECH!"
|
|
"A son of a BIRCH!"
|
|
"Son of a beech!"
|
|
"Son of a birch!"
|
|
|
|
The fighting attracts a woodpecker who informs them that he can tell what
|
|
kind of tree the sapling is by its taste. First he tastes the beech and
|
|
the birch. Then he tastes the sapling. "Well now, is that a son of a
|
|
beech or a son of a birch?" asks the beech.
|
|
"You're both wrong!" says the bird. "That's the best piece of ash
|
|
I've had my pecker in for a long time!"
|
|
%
|
|
There is a definite parallel between shots of tequila and a
|
|
woman's breasts. One is not enough and three are too many.
|
|
%
|
|
There is a new model of car being sold in San Francisco --
|
|
the pervertible. The top doesn't go down, but the driver does.
|
|
%
|
|
There is a young faggot named Mose
|
|
Who insists that you fuck his long nose.
|
|
And you'll double the joy
|
|
Of this lecherous boy
|
|
If you'll tickle his balls with your toes.
|
|
%
|
|
There is a young lady named Aird,
|
|
Whose bottom is always kept bared.
|
|
When asked why she pouts,
|
|
She says "The Boy Scouts,
|
|
All beg me to please Be Prepared!"
|
|
%
|
|
There is nothing as overrated as a bad
|
|
lay, or as underrated as a great shit.
|
|
%
|
|
There is nothing wrong with screwing everyone in sight.
|
|
Boring your friends about it is the sin.
|
|
-- Mama Liz
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a Sailor who looked through a glass
|
|
And spied a fair mermaid with scales on her... island.
|
|
Where seagulls flew over their nest.
|
|
She combed the long hair which hung over her... shoulders.
|
|
And caused her to tickle and itch.
|
|
The sailor cried out "There's a beautiful... mermaid.
|
|
A sittin' out there on the rocks."
|
|
The crew came a running, all grabbing their... glasses.
|
|
And crowded four deep to the rail.
|
|
All eager to share in this fine piece of... news.
|
|
...
|
|
"Throw out a line and we'll lasso her... flippers.
|
|
And soon we will certainly find
|
|
If mermaids are better before or be... brave
|
|
My dear fellows," The captain cried out.
|
|
And cursing with spleen.
|
|
This song may be dull, but it's certainly clean.
|
|
-- "The Clean Song", Oscar Brandt
|
|
%
|
|
There was a man who, every day, would buy a newspaper on the way to work,
|
|
glance at the headline, and hand it back to the newsboy. Day after day the
|
|
man would go through this routine. Finally the newsboy could not stand it
|
|
and he asked the man, "Why do you always buy a paper and only look at the
|
|
front page before discarding it?"
|
|
The man replied, "I am only interested in the obituaries."
|
|
"But they are on page 21. You never even unfold the newspaper."
|
|
"Young man," he replied, "the son-of-a-bitch I'm looking for will
|
|
be on the front page."
|
|
-- Attributed to FDR.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man hitchhiking along a road one day. A car stopped and the
|
|
driver opened the door and asked, "What political party are you with?"
|
|
He replied, "Why, I'm a Democrat."
|
|
And the driver slammed the door and rode off. The guy was pretty
|
|
discouraged when another car came along, and the driver asked the same
|
|
question.
|
|
The guy answered, "Uh, I'm a Democrat."
|
|
And again, the driver slammed the door and rode off. Now he was
|
|
downright confused when another car came along. The driver was an attractive
|
|
lady, and she asked the same question.
|
|
He answered: "I'm a Republican."
|
|
And she answered, "Well, then, hop on in."
|
|
They drove on for a few minutes when he began to notice that her
|
|
skirt was beginning to get hiked up on her thighs. Finally, he couldn't take
|
|
it any more, and said "Ma'am, stop the car and let me out. I've only been
|
|
a Republican for 15 minutes, and already I feel like screwing someone!"
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young tenor named Springer,
|
|
Got his testicles caught in a wringer.
|
|
He hollered in pain,
|
|
As they rolled down the drain,
|
|
"There goes my career as a singer!"
|
|
%
|
|
There was once a newly-married couple. Now these two lovers were, well,
|
|
rather uptight about using expressions such as "having sex", "getting it on",
|
|
or "boffing the brains out". So, they decided to use the euphemism, "doing
|
|
the laundry" whenever the topic of sex came up.
|
|
One evening, hubby said, "Well, honey, feel like doing some laundry
|
|
tonite?", and she consented. The next evening, hubby again asked, "Sweetie,
|
|
feel like doing some laundry tonite?" Well, wifey wasn't really in the mood,
|
|
but complied. On the third night, when hubby approached her, asking her to
|
|
participate in doing still MORE laundry, she replied, "Oh, Hon, I'm really not
|
|
in the mood for doing any laundry tonite."
|
|
Well, hubby, being a bit disappointed, locked himself in the bathroom
|
|
and engaged in a spot of self-abuse instead. Upon returning to the living
|
|
room, wifey said, "Well, Poopsie, I've changed my mind -- how about doing
|
|
some laundry?" To which he replied, "Oh, no, that's okay, I just did a small
|
|
load!"
|
|
%
|
|
There was once a salesman who had an outstanding record for selling tooth-
|
|
brushes. His boss, wondering at his unlikely success, sent a man out to
|
|
follow the salesman on rounds to see what pitch he gave that brought such
|
|
good results. It was soon found that this particular salesman went to the
|
|
corner of a busy street and opened up his briefcase, and on one side was the
|
|
assortment of toothbrushes, and on the other side various chips and garnishes
|
|
and a bowl of brownish stuff. He would grab a likely customer and give them
|
|
the following pitch.
|
|
"Good morning, ma'am, this is a commercial promotion for --- brand
|
|
of chip dip. Would you care to give it a try?"
|
|
At that point the person would try it, then spit it out and scream
|
|
in utter disgust, "This tastes like shit!"
|
|
The salesman would smile and say, "It is. You want to buy a
|
|
toothbrush?"
|
|
%
|
|
There was something about her I liked,
|
|
but I couldn't put my finger on it.
|
|
%
|
|
There were the Scots
|
|
Who kept the Sabbath
|
|
And everything else they could lay their hands on.
|
|
Then there were the Welsh
|
|
Who prayed on their knees and their neighbors.
|
|
Thirdly there were the Irish
|
|
Who never knew what they wanted
|
|
But were willing to fight for it anyway.
|
|
Lastly there were the English
|
|
Who considered themselves a self-made nation
|
|
Thus relieving the Almighty of a dreadful responsibility.
|
|
%
|
|
There's a handsome boy who tells me how I've changed his past. He buys me
|
|
a brandy... Could it be he's really just after my ass?
|
|
-- Pete Townshend, "How Many Friends"
|
|
%
|
|
There's a tendency today to absolve individuals from moral responsibility and
|
|
treat them as victims of social circumstance. You buy that, you pay with your
|
|
soul. It's not men who limit women, it's not straights who limit gays, it's
|
|
not whites who limit blacks. What limits people is lack of character. What
|
|
limits people is that they don't have the fucking nerve or imagination to star
|
|
in their own movie, let alone direct it.
|
|
-- Bernard Mickey Wrangle
|
|
%
|
|
There's a vas deferens between men and women.
|
|
%
|
|
There's amnesia in a hangknot,
|
|
And comfort in the ax,
|
|
But the simple way of poison will make your nerves relax.
|
|
There's surcease in a gunshot,
|
|
And sleep that comes from racks,
|
|
But a handy draft of poison avoids the harshest tax.
|
|
You find rest on the hot squat,
|
|
Or gas can give you pax,
|
|
But the closest corner chemist has peace in packaged stacks.
|
|
There's refuge in the church lot
|
|
When you tire of facing facts,
|
|
And the smoothest route is poison prescribed by kindly quacks.
|
|
Chorus: With an *ugh!* and a groan, and a kick of the heels,
|
|
Death comes quiet, or it comes with squeals --
|
|
But the pleasantest place to find your end
|
|
Is a cup of cheer from the hand of a friend.
|
|
-- Jubal Harshaw, "One For The Road"
|
|
%
|
|
There's many a slurp t'wixt the tip and the zip.
|
|
%
|
|
There's more than one way to skin a cat:
|
|
Way #3 -- Krazy Glue and a toothbrush.
|
|
Way #27 -- Use an electric sander.
|
|
Way #32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker.
|
|
Way #33 -- A bicycle pump.
|
|
%
|
|
There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex?
|
|
A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.
|
|
-- Billy Joel
|
|
%
|
|
There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure.
|
|
-- David Mairowitz
|
|
%
|
|
They ought to make butt-flavored cat food.
|
|
-- Gallagher
|
|
%
|
|
They watched the sun slowly sink behind the hills, and the fiery glow on the
|
|
lake fade into darkness. He eyed her shadowy figure, accentuated by the moon-
|
|
light, as the tension from within began to fuel his animalistic desires.
|
|
She followed him, ever so quietly, as they sought a secluded corner in the
|
|
barn. Alone! At last. His hands roamed about her soft back, around to her
|
|
thighs, and finally caressed her budding nipples. Oh, how smooth and succulent
|
|
she was! "Was it so wrong?", he asked himself. No, he thought, for his
|
|
father had done it, as did his own father, ad infinitum. The boiling,
|
|
uncontrollable rage within him became unbearable. She signaled her eagerness,
|
|
spreading her legs, as he grasped her nipples again. Stroking, again and
|
|
again, longer each time. It began coming; again, again, again, again. His
|
|
mind raced with fear "Will it stop?". Exhausted, he lay down beside her.
|
|
"Dear God, what have I done?". Suddenly, his father burst in. His eyes
|
|
burned as he stared for what seemed an eternity. Finally, his father spoke.
|
|
"Son, you ain't supposed to milk the damn cow till mornin'!"
|
|
%
|
|
This Czech walks into police station in 1968 during the Fraternal Assistance.
|
|
Czech: Hey, out there in the street, a Swiss soldier knocked me down and
|
|
took my Russian watch.
|
|
Desk Sergeant: Come again?
|
|
Czech: Right out there in the street, a Swiss soldier knocked me down and
|
|
took my Russian watch.
|
|
DS: You're confused. Why would there be a Swiss soldier here? And who
|
|
would want to own a Russian watch? It was a Russian soldier who
|
|
knocked you down and took your Swiss watch, right?
|
|
Czech: Well, maybe, but you said it, not me.
|
|
%
|
|
This fellow rushed into a crowded tavern on Saturday night. Men and women
|
|
stood three-deep at the bar. Our man, who felt nature calling strongly,
|
|
looked about him but couldn't see anything that resembled a john. He saw a
|
|
stairway and bounded up the steps to the second floor in his increasingly
|
|
desperate search. Just as his bowels threatened to erupt, he spotted a
|
|
one-foot by one-foot hole in the floor. Now, at the end of his control, he
|
|
decided to take advantage of the hole. He dropped his pants, hunched over it,
|
|
and did his thing. Thoroughly relieved and relaxed, he sauntered down the
|
|
steps to find, to his surprise, that the crowded bar was now empty.
|
|
"Hey!" he yelled to the seemingly empty room, "Where is everyone?"
|
|
From behind the bar a voice responded, "Hey! Where were you when
|
|
the shit hit the fan?"
|
|
%
|
|
This guy makes an appointment with a doctor because his hemorrhoids are
|
|
really bothering him. The doctor gives him some suppositories and tells
|
|
him to come back in a week for a checkup. "How's it going?" he asks
|
|
the patient a week later.
|
|
"I gotta tell you the truth, Doc," said the man. "For all the
|
|
good these pills did me, I coulda shoved them up my ass."
|
|
%
|
|
This guy, see, was walkin' down the street sportin' two -- not one, but two
|
|
-- black eyes; a coupla real shiners. He chanced upon his buddy walkin' th'
|
|
other way... they stopped to talk... "Hey guy," sez his buddy, "where'd'ja
|
|
git them good lookin' shiners? Musta been a helluva fight."
|
|
"Well, actually, I got them in church," sez he.
|
|
"Nowwaitaminnit," sez the friend, "nobody gits black eyes in church!"
|
|
"I swear I did," sez he, "and here's how it happened. We all got up
|
|
to sing a hymn, you see, and the fat lady in front of me got her dress all
|
|
stuck up in the crack of her butt, so bein' as how I'm a real gennulman an'
|
|
all, well, I leaned forward and pulled it out for her. And you know what?
|
|
She just turned around, hauled off and slugged me one!"
|
|
"Well," his buddy replies, after he can talk again, "that shore 'nuff
|
|
explains one of 'em. Howdja git th' other one?"
|
|
"Well," sez he, "like I said, I'm a gennulman, even when somebody does
|
|
me wrong, so when I saw she didn't like it like that, I stuck it back in."
|
|
%
|
|
This guy walks into a bank and up to a female bank teller:
|
|
|
|
Man: "I want to open a fuckin' savings account."
|
|
Teller: "Excuse me, sir?"
|
|
M: "Listen, bitch, I want to open a fuckin' savings account."
|
|
T: "Sir, I don't have to listen to this abusive language."
|
|
M: "LOOK! I just want to open a fuckin' savings account."
|
|
T: "Sir, you leave me no choice but to speak to the manager."
|
|
|
|
The teller walks over and explains the customer's rude behavior to the bank
|
|
manager who then accompanies her back to the teller booth.
|
|
|
|
Mgr: "Can I help you, sir?"
|
|
M: "I want to open a fuckin' savings account."
|
|
Mgr: "Please, sir, we'll be delighted to help you, but we must request
|
|
that you not use abusive language to our tellers."
|
|
M: "Look. I just won $25 million in the state lottery and I want to
|
|
open a fuckin' savings account!"
|
|
Mgr: "I see. And has this cunt been giving you any trouble?"
|
|
%
|
|
This guy was screwing his neighbors wife when a car pulls into the drive.
|
|
"My husband!" she screams. He panics and jumps out the window. He finds
|
|
himself on the street, naked, under cloudy skies. There is no place to hide
|
|
except in a crowd of joggers. As he runs along, a woman looks over and says,
|
|
"Do you always jog in the nude?"
|
|
"Yes ma'am!" he replies.
|
|
"Does it always result in that kind of sexual excitement?" she asks.
|
|
"Yes ma'am!" he replies.
|
|
"Do you always wear a condom?"
|
|
"Only when it rains, lady. Only when it rains."
|
|
%
|
|
This here's the wattle
|
|
The emblem of our land
|
|
You can stick it in a bottle
|
|
Or you can hold it in your hand.
|
|
-- Monty Python
|
|
%
|
|
This hot and dusty cowboy rode in from the mesa, filthy and exhausted. He
|
|
obviously had had nothing but his horse for company for a couple of weeks
|
|
and was looking forward to a couple of cold beers in the saloon. Swinging
|
|
off his horse and hitching it to the rail, the cowboy gave his horse an
|
|
affectionate slap on the neck. Then he astonished an old cowhand lounging
|
|
on the porch by moving around to the horse's hindquarters, lifting up its
|
|
tail and planting a demure kiss on its asshole.
|
|
"What'd you do that for?" asked the cowhand, completely repulsed.
|
|
"Chapped lips," said the cowboy, heading for the saloon doors.
|
|
"Wait a minute," said the old guy. "Whaddaya mean, chapped lips?"
|
|
"Keeps ya from lickin' 'em," explained the cowboy.
|
|
%
|
|
This is a test of the emergency cunnilingus system.
|
|
If this had been an actual emergency, you would have known it!
|
|
%
|
|
This is National Smokers-Are-Shits Week.
|
|
%
|
|
This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you.
|
|
So I'll put in "di-dah" for the filthy words.
|
|
|
|
Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah,
|
|
Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah;
|
|
Di-dah di-dah di-dah?
|
|
Di-dah di-dah di-dah.
|
|
Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck.
|
|
%
|
|
This story concerns a man who, after putting his son to bed each night, would
|
|
stand by his boy's door and listen to his son saying his prayers. One night,
|
|
the boy ended his prayers with, "God specially bless Granddad, who won't be
|
|
with us much longer." The man thought this was rather curious, but passed it
|
|
off as childish whimsy. The next day, however, he received a call from his
|
|
mother, informing him that his father had passed away early that morning.
|
|
During the next few weeks, he listened particularly closely to his son's
|
|
prayers, but noticed nothing unusual. Then, one night, the boy ended his
|
|
prayers with, "God specially bless Grandmom, who won't be with us much longer."
|
|
Although the shock of the original incident had worn off during the intervening
|
|
weeks, he nonetheless phoned his mother to inquire as to her health. He went to
|
|
bed reassured, only to be awakened in the night by his sister calling with the
|
|
news that their mother had died suddenly in the night. The father had a series
|
|
of psychological tests done; nothing unusual was uncovered. About a month
|
|
later, the boy ended his prayers with, "God specially bless Daddy, who won't
|
|
be with us much longer." The man was panic-stricken, certain that he was
|
|
going to die during the night. He resolved to stay awake all night; if awake
|
|
and alert he should be able to prevent any tragedy. Morning came. Breathing
|
|
a huge sigh of relief, he went to get the paper off the porch. There, lying
|
|
dead on the doorstep, was the milkman.
|
|
%
|
|
This system goes down more often than a two-dollar whore.
|
|
%
|
|
This time it's for love; next time it's $100.00.
|
|
%
|
|
THORNY:
|
|
A thailor at thea.
|
|
%
|
|
Thou shalt not omit adultery.
|
|
%
|
|
Thought:
|
|
Girls get minks the same way minks get minks!
|
|
%
|
|
Three fine Irish lads, O'Rourke, O'Malley and O'Donnell, worked together at
|
|
the local brewery. One day, as fate would have it, O'Rourke fell into one
|
|
of the beer vats and drowned. O'Malley and O'Donnell, completely crestfallen,
|
|
had to break the news to his wife.
|
|
They went 'round the Widow O'Rourke's house and informed her that her
|
|
poor dear Patrick had drowned in a beer vat that very day. Choking back her
|
|
tears, she asked them "Tell me now, did me poor Patty suffer much?"
|
|
"I don't think so," replied O'Donnell. "He climbed out twice to take
|
|
a piss."
|
|
%
|
|
Three gay guys were discussing what they thought their favorite sport would
|
|
be. The first decides on football, 'cause of all those gorgeous guys bending
|
|
over in their tight pants.
|
|
"Definitely wrestling," sighs the second guy. "Those skimpy little
|
|
costumes, and think of the holds."
|
|
"Definitely baseball," says the third guy. "Why? Well, I'd be
|
|
pitching with the bases loaded, the batter would hit a savage one-hopper
|
|
right to me, I'd catch it, and I'd just stand there while the other guys
|
|
rounded the bases. Meanwhile, the crowd would be going crazy, screaming,
|
|
`Throw the ball, you cocksucker!' and that's what I like -- recognition!"
|
|
%
|
|
Three minutes of serious sex and I need eight hours of sleep and
|
|
a bowl of Wheaties.
|
|
-- Richard Pryor
|
|
%
|
|
Three things have been difficult to tame: The oceans, fools,
|
|
and women. We may soon be able to tame the ocean. Fools and
|
|
women will take a little longer.
|
|
-- Spiro Agnew
|
|
%
|
|
Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains,
|
|
however, the laundry always gets wet. All the laundry, that is, except
|
|
for Laurie's. Laurie never seems to have her laundry out when it rains.
|
|
So, one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes
|
|
on the line when one of the women says to Laurie, "Laurie, how come when it
|
|
never rains when you have your laundry out?"
|
|
"Well," replies Laurie, "when I wake up in the morning, I check out
|
|
my husband Paul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's
|
|
going to be a great day. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know
|
|
it might rain. I don't know why it works, but he's never been wrong!"
|
|
"Laurie, what if he has an erection?" asks the other woman.
|
|
"Honey, on a day like *that*, you don't do the *laundry*."
|
|
%
|
|
Three young women were attending the same logic class given at one of the
|
|
better universities. During a lecture the professor stated that he was
|
|
going to test their ability at situation reasoning.
|
|
"Let us assume," said the prof, "that you are aboard a small craft
|
|
alone in the Pacific, and you spot a vessel approaching you with several
|
|
sex-starved sailors on board. What would you do in this situation to avoid
|
|
the problem?"
|
|
"I would attempt to turn my craft in the opposite direction and
|
|
flee," said the first girl.
|
|
"I would pass them, and hope that I could fend them off," responded
|
|
the second woman.
|
|
"Frankly," murmured the third woman, "I understand the situation,
|
|
but I fail to see the problem."
|
|
%
|
|
three-bag ugly, adj:
|
|
That's when you put one bag over her head, one bag over your
|
|
head in case her's falls off, and one over the dog's to keep
|
|
it from howling.
|
|
|
|
four-bag ugly, adj:
|
|
When you leave a bag by the door in case someone drops by.
|
|
%
|
|
Through a major bureaucratic error, you are made county coroner.
|
|
You seriously consider the job because it gives you:
|
|
|
|
1: Lots of unclaimed wedding rings and watches.
|
|
2: Lots of gold fillings and bridges.
|
|
3: Free blood.
|
|
4: A constantly changing array of new friends who aren't at
|
|
all stuffy about what happens to their genitalia.
|
|
%
|
|
Tim and I a hunting went
|
|
We found three damsels in a tent,
|
|
As they were three, and we were two,
|
|
I bucked one and Timbuktu.
|
|
-- the only known poem using the word "Timbuktu"
|
|
%
|
|
'Tis the dream of each programmer,
|
|
Before his life is done,
|
|
To write three lines of APL,
|
|
And make the damn things run.
|
|
%
|
|
To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature.
|
|
%
|
|
To be the kind of girl designed to be kissed between the thighs.
|
|
%
|
|
To win a woman in the first place one must please her, then undress her, and
|
|
then somehow get her clothes back on her. Finally, so she will allow you
|
|
to leave her, you've got to annoy her.
|
|
-- Jean Giraudoux, "Amphitryon 38"
|
|
%
|
|
Today is gonna be one helluva week!
|
|
%
|
|
Todays title:
|
|
Creative Violence in Sexual Relationships
|
|
%
|
|
Tonight's piss is tomorrow's Tang.
|
|
-- An American astronaut
|
|
%
|
|
tourist, n:
|
|
A pretty girl in Oklahoma.
|
|
%
|
|
Tourist to New Yorker:
|
|
"Pardon me, sir, do you know what time it is, or should I
|
|
just go fuck myself?"
|
|
%
|
|
transvestite, n:
|
|
Someone who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary.
|
|
%
|
|
Tri Delts; everyone else has.
|
|
%
|
|
TRUST:
|
|
Two cannibals having oral sex.
|
|
%
|
|
trust me:
|
|
Los Angeles for "Fuck you, your mother, and the horse
|
|
she rode in on."
|
|
%
|
|
T-shirt of the Day:
|
|
Head for the Mountains
|
|
-- courtesy Anheuser-Busch beer
|
|
|
|
Followup T-shirt of the Day (on the same scenic background):
|
|
If you liked the mountains, head for the Busch!
|
|
-- courtesy someone else
|
|
%
|
|
T-shirt of the Day:
|
|
|
|
See Dick Drink...
|
|
See Dick Drive...
|
|
See Dick Die.
|
|
DON'T BE A DICK.
|
|
%
|
|
T-shirt of the Week:
|
|
I'm not excited, I'm cold!
|
|
%
|
|
'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod
|
|
Did groove and trip out at the pad: "Beware the Radcliff girl, my son!
|
|
All whimsy were the slamming chicks, The looks that mell, the claws that
|
|
And the Radcliffe undergrad. catch!
|
|
Beware the Byrn Mawr deb, and shun
|
|
He took his venerable staff in hand: The uppity Wellesleysnatch!"
|
|
Long time the cool young stuff he
|
|
sought -- And as in raffish thought he sprawled,
|
|
So rested he among the spree The Radcliffe girl, no idle flirt,
|
|
And paused to smoke some pot. Crept past the hippies getting balled
|
|
And doffed her miniskirt.
|
|
One, two! One, two! And through
|
|
and through "And hast thou laid the Radcliffe girl?
|
|
The venerable staff went snicker-snack! Come to my arms, my horny boy!
|
|
He left her bred, sans maidenhead, O spaced-out day! Calooh! Callay!"
|
|
And went galumphing back. He cackled in his joy.
|
|
|
|
'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod
|
|
Did groove and trip out at the pad:
|
|
All whimsy were the slamming chicks,
|
|
And the Radcliffe undergrad.
|
|
%
|
|
Twenty years of romance make a woman look like a ruin; but
|
|
twenty years of marriage make her something like a public building.
|
|
-- Wilde
|
|
%
|
|
Two friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish boy, come of age at the same time.
|
|
The Italian boy's father presents him with a brand-new pistol. On the other
|
|
side of town, at his Bar Mitzvah, the Jewish boy receives a beautiful gold
|
|
watch.
|
|
The next day, in school, the two boys are showing each other what
|
|
they got. It turns out that each boy likes the other's present better, and
|
|
so they trade.
|
|
That night, the Italian boy is at home and his father sees him
|
|
looking at his new watch. "Where did you getta thatta watch?" he asks.
|
|
The boy explains the trade, and the father blows his top. "Whatta
|
|
you? Stupidda boy? Whatsa matta you!"
|
|
"Somma day, you maybe gonna getta married. Then maybe somma day
|
|
you gonna comma home and finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta
|
|
you gonna do then? Looka atta you watch and say, `How longa you gonna be?'"
|
|
%
|
|
Two gentlemen met at the club after a long absence and talked.
|
|
"Did you hear about Chumley?", one asked.
|
|
"No, old man, what about him?"
|
|
"Last seen in Africa, you know."
|
|
"No, I didn't."
|
|
"Yes. Appalling. Ran off with a gorilla. Fallen in love."
|
|
"Queer."
|
|
"Not Chumley. Female gorilla."
|
|
%
|
|
Two golfers were being held up as the twosome of women in front of them
|
|
whiffed shots, hunted for lost balls and stood over putts for what seemed
|
|
like hours.
|
|
"I'll ask if we can play through," Bill said as he strode toward
|
|
the women. Twenty yards from the green, however, he turned on his heel
|
|
and went back to where his companion was waiting.
|
|
"Can't do it," he explained, sheepishly. "One of them's my wife
|
|
and the other's my mistress!"
|
|
"I'll ask," said Jim. He started off, only to turn and come back
|
|
before reaching the green.
|
|
"What's wrong?" Bill asked.
|
|
"Small world, isn't it?"
|
|
%
|
|
Two men and a woman were stranded on a desert island -
|
|
|
|
Two weeks later, the woman was so ashamed of what she
|
|
had been doing, she committed suicide.
|
|
|
|
Two weeks later, the men were so ashamed of what they
|
|
had been doing, they buried her.
|
|
|
|
Two weeks later, the men were so ashamed of what they
|
|
had been doing, they dug her back up.
|
|
%
|
|
Two men, both close to retirement, are working on the assembly line. One
|
|
boasts to the other, "Last night I made love to my wife *three* times!"
|
|
"Three times!", replies his friend. "How did you do it?"
|
|
"Well," says the first man, "I made love to my wife and set the
|
|
alarm clock for two hours later. When it went off we made love again.
|
|
Then, I reset it for the morning and we made love once more before I came
|
|
to work. I feel like a bull!"
|
|
His friend says, "Well, that *is* fantastic! I'm going to have
|
|
to give it a try." So, he goes home that night and makes love to his
|
|
wife. Figuring he doesn't need to set the alarm clock, he settles off
|
|
to sleep. Waking up a few hours later, he nudges his wife and they make love
|
|
again. Waking up in the morning he makes love to his wife for the third
|
|
time. Looking over at the clock he realizes that he's twenty minutes late
|
|
for work. He throws on his clothes and runs down to the subway. When
|
|
he gets to the factory his boss is standing there waiting.
|
|
"Frank", he says, "I've been working for you for 18 years, and I've
|
|
never been late before. You've got to forgive me twenty minutes this once!"
|
|
"Well," replies his boss, "okay, but it's not the twenty minutes
|
|
that had me worried. Where were you Tuesday, where were you Wednesday..."
|
|
%
|
|
Two men were standing around talking while nearby a large German Shepherd
|
|
lay licking his balls. One man says to the other, "Damn, I wish I could
|
|
do that."
|
|
The other man replies, "Well, it's okay by me, but I think you
|
|
ought to get to know him a little first."
|
|
%
|
|
Two midgets arrived at the convent door and asked to speak with the Mother
|
|
Superior. Led into her office, the first one asked respectfully "Excuse
|
|
me, your holiness, but are there any midget nuns in this convent?"
|
|
Receiving a reply to the negative, he asked whether any midget
|
|
nuns were to be found in any of the neighboring parish. Again the reply
|
|
was no.
|
|
The tiny man scratched his head and posed a final question. "Beggin'
|
|
your pardon, Mother Superior, but would you know of *any* midget nuns at
|
|
all, anywhere?" The nun shook her head.
|
|
At which the first midget turned to the second midget, put his hand
|
|
on his shoulder, and said, "You see, I told you you fucked a penguin!"
|
|
%
|
|
Two nuns, a mother superior and a new nun, are walking home one night from
|
|
church when they are attacked by two vicious rapists. The two men drag the
|
|
nuns off into the bushes and proceed to have their way with them. The mother
|
|
superior is very afraid, but she knows that God will protect her. To show her
|
|
strength and trust in God she yells out "Forgive him Father, for he knows not
|
|
what he does!"
|
|
To which the young nun replies "Oooooh, mine does!!"
|
|
%
|
|
Two old men are walking down the boardwalk when one of them tells the other
|
|
that he has to leave, his wife is expecting him to come home and make love
|
|
with her.
|
|
The other man is astonished. "Make love to your wife? You're as old
|
|
as I am! Nearly eighty years old! What do you mean you have to go home and
|
|
make love to your wife?"
|
|
The first man smiles and says, "We have a *great* sex life. We make
|
|
love every day."
|
|
"You're kidding!" says his friend. "How do you do it?"
|
|
"Pumpernickel bread. That's the secret." And he dashes off home.
|
|
The other man starts to walk home. "Hmmm," he thinks to himself
|
|
pumpernickel bread. Well, it's worth a try." So he goes into a nearby
|
|
bakery.
|
|
Going up to the woman at the counter, he asks for their entire stock
|
|
of pumpernickel bread. The woman stares at him in astonishment. "You want
|
|
all the pumpernickel bread we have? Are you sure? Don't you know that it
|
|
will get hard?"
|
|
"How come," demands the man, "everybody knows about this but me?"
|
|
%
|
|
Two Peace Corp. doctors who had just returned to a stateside hospital
|
|
were in front of the main desk in the midst of a heated argument that
|
|
went along these lines:
|
|
(1st doctor) "No, no, no! It's 'waaaahmmmb'"
|
|
(2nd doctor) "No you're wrong! It's 'woooooommmb'"
|
|
and this continued for quite sometime.
|
|
Finally a nurse stepped in and said: "The correct pronunciation is
|
|
'womb'" and trotted off.
|
|
(1st doctor) "That shows you what she knows."
|
|
(2nd doctor) "Yeah. I bet she's never even SEEN a hippopotamus,
|
|
let alone heard one fart underwater."
|
|
%
|
|
Two pirates are sitting in a seaside tavern, talking. One of them has a
|
|
hook instead of a hand, and an eye patch. The other pirate has a wooden
|
|
leg. Over a few beers, they start to tell each other how they received their
|
|
injuries.
|
|
"One day," says the first pirate, "we had pulled alongside a merchant
|
|
vessel and were boarding her. I had my sword drawn when suddenly a man with
|
|
a saber caught me by surprise and cut my hand off. So I had this hook put
|
|
on. How did you lose your leg?"
|
|
"From a broadside of grapeshot from an English military vessel, in a
|
|
terrific battle off the coast of France. And how about your eye?"
|
|
"Well, I don't really like to talk about it," said the first pirate.
|
|
"Come on," says the second pirate. "It doesn't matter after all
|
|
these years, does it?"
|
|
"Oh, okay," says the first pirate. "See, it's pretty embarrassing;
|
|
a seagull shit in my eye."
|
|
"A seagull!? I can see how that would hurt, but I don't see why
|
|
you would *lose* the eye..."
|
|
"But," the first pirate says, "it was my first day with the hook."
|
|
%
|
|
Two recent emigrants to the United States, on their first day off the boat
|
|
in New York City, spied a hotdog vendor. "Do they eat dogs in America?"
|
|
one asked his companion.
|
|
"I don't know."
|
|
"Well, if we're going to live in America, we have to learn to eat
|
|
American foods."
|
|
So they each bought a wax paper wrapped hotdog and sat down to eat
|
|
them on a nearby park bench. One man looked inside his wax paper, then over
|
|
at the other man, and asked, "So, what part did you get?"
|
|
%
|
|
Two women are talking; one says to the other, "Say, weren't you dating that
|
|
cute French horn player? What ever happened to him?"
|
|
"Well," replies her friend, we're still seeing each other, but,
|
|
I must admit, we've had some problems."
|
|
"Problems? What's wrong?"
|
|
"You see," says the second woman, "every time he kisses me, he
|
|
wants to shove his fist up my ass."
|
|
%
|
|
Two young men seated in a restaurant were watching a customer busily
|
|
disposing of a plate of oysters on the half shell. One of the young
|
|
men remarked to his friend,
|
|
"Did you ever hear that business about raw oysters being
|
|
good for a man's virility?"
|
|
"Yes, why?" the friend replied.
|
|
"Well, take it from me, that's a lot of foolishness. I ate a
|
|
dozen of them the other night, and only nine worked."
|
|
%
|
|
Un moine au milieu de la messe A monk in the middle of mass
|
|
S'eleva et cria en detresse; Stood up and cried out in distress;
|
|
"La vie religieuse, "The religious life
|
|
C'est sale et affreuse," Is dirty and horrid,"
|
|
Et se poignarda dans les fesses. And stabbed himself in the ass.
|
|
-- Edward Gorey
|
|
%
|
|
Uncle Sam comes off as the perverted relative who'll offer you a
|
|
bit of candy, but if you won't bend over for him, you get a beating.
|
|
%
|
|
Unfair animal names:
|
|
|
|
-- tsetse fly -- bullhead
|
|
-- booby -- duck-billed platypus
|
|
-- sapsucker -- Clarence
|
|
-- Gary Larson
|
|
%
|
|
Unitarians pray "To whom it may concern".
|
|
%
|
|
Unix programmers do it with pipes.
|
|
%
|
|
Upon leaving a hotel bar one evening, an executive noticed a drunk sitting
|
|
on the edge of a potted palm in the lobby, crying like a baby. Because he'd
|
|
had a couple himself that night, and was feeling rather sorry for his fellow
|
|
man, he asked the inebriated one what the trouble was.
|
|
"I did a terrible thing tonight," sniffled the drunk. "I sold my
|
|
wife to a guy for a bottle of Scotch."
|
|
"That is terrible," said the man, too much under the weather to
|
|
muster any real indignation. "And now that she's gone, you wish you had her
|
|
back."
|
|
"Thas right," said the drunk, still sniffling.
|
|
"You're sorry you sold her, because you realize too late that you
|
|
love her," sympathized the executive.
|
|
"No, no," said the drunk. "I wish I had her back because I'm
|
|
thirsty again."
|
|
%
|
|
U.S. of A.:
|
|
"Don't speak to the bus driver."
|
|
Germany:
|
|
"It is strictly forbidden for passengers to speak to the driver."
|
|
England:
|
|
"You are requested to refrain from speaking to the driver."
|
|
Scotland:
|
|
"What have you got to gain by speaking to the driver?"
|
|
Italy:
|
|
"Don't answer the driver."
|
|
%
|
|
Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran:
|
|
|
|
AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOTFAN.
|
|
Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.
|
|
|
|
FEKR GABUL CARDAN DAVAT PAEH GUSH DIVAR.
|
|
I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down
|
|
on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.
|
|
|
|
SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH QEH GOFTEH BANDE.
|
|
I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.
|
|
%
|
|
Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran:
|
|
|
|
AUTO ARRAREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH-HAST.
|
|
It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to
|
|
travel in the trunk of your car.
|
|
|
|
FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO
|
|
GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMA RAJEBEH KESHVAREHMAN.
|
|
If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital
|
|
appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my
|
|
country in public.
|
|
|
|
KHREL, JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEH AMRIKAHEY.
|
|
I will tell you the names and addresses of
|
|
many American spies traveling as reporters.
|
|
%
|
|
Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran:
|
|
|
|
MAMNOUNAN GHORBAN IN DAFAYEH MEEMUNAM.
|
|
It is with greatest pleasure that I sign
|
|
this confession of capital crimes.
|
|
|
|
MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH, GHORBAN.
|
|
The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.
|
|
|
|
TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM.
|
|
The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you.
|
|
I must have the recipe.
|
|
|
|
ETEHFOR'AN, DEHRATEE, OTAGEH SHOMA MIKRASTAM KHE
|
|
DO HAFTAEH BA BODANEH SHEEREEL TEEGZ.
|
|
Truly, I would rather be a hostage to your greatly esteemed
|
|
self than spend a fortnight upon the person of Cheryl Tiegs.
|
|
%
|
|
USENET is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea --
|
|
massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and
|
|
a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least
|
|
expect it.
|
|
-- Gene Spafford
|
|
%
|
|
User friendly software searching for friendly Hardware to interface with.
|
|
Hardware may present itself in floppy format as software has capability to
|
|
upgrading same to full size firm. Size is not all that important; but byte
|
|
sized bandwidth required -- header width is of more concern. Joystick should
|
|
be able to toggle in different speeds and for some duration. Software is
|
|
looking for system willing to perform intensive manipulation of keyboard as
|
|
well as preparing the mainframe and disk drives. Fingering of all files
|
|
permitted, and encouraged, before thrusting joystick into drive. Software
|
|
is programmed not to copy; there is no need for removing joystick before
|
|
completed execution of program. Program may be run several times per day...
|
|
especially if special features and options are utilized.
|
|
%
|
|
vacation;look;find;talk;grep;touch;finger;find;flex;unzip;mount;workbone; \
|
|
fsck;yes;gasp;fsck;yes;eject;umount;make clean;zip;split;done;exit
|
|
%
|
|
vagina, n:
|
|
The box a penis comes in.
|
|
%
|
|
vaginal lubricant, n:
|
|
A slitty slicker.
|
|
%
|
|
Vandalism On The Upswing!
|
|
Last night, windows were broken and graffiti was sprayed over the
|
|
front of the local sex shop, Le Sex Boutique, causing several hundred
|
|
dollars in damage. In a later anonymous phone call, the provisional
|
|
wing of the Salvation Army claimed responsibility.
|
|
%
|
|
Vatican upholds ban on contraceptives: "To heir is humane," claims the Pope.
|
|
%
|
|
Vd, n:
|
|
The gift that keeps on giving.
|
|
%
|
|
Very few modern women either like or desire marriage, especially after the
|
|
ceremony has been performed. Primarily women wish attention and affection.
|
|
Matrimony is something they accept when there is no alternative. Really,
|
|
it is a waste of time, and hazardous, to marry them. It leaves one open
|
|
to a rival. Husbands, good or bad, always have rivals. Lovers, never.
|
|
-- Helen Lawrenson, "Esquire"
|
|
%
|
|
Vidi, vici, veni.
|
|
(I saw, I conquered, I came.)
|
|
%
|
|
Viennese Oyster: Lady who can cross her feet behind her head, lying on her
|
|
back, of course. When she has done so, you hold her tightly round each instep
|
|
with your full hand and squeeze, lying on her full-length. Don't try to put
|
|
an unsupple partner into this position -- it can't be achieved by brute force.
|
|
You can get a very similar sensation -- unique rocking pelvic movement -- with
|
|
less expertise if she crosses her ankles on her tummy, knees to shoulders, and
|
|
you lie on her crossed ankles with your full weight. Why "Viennese" we don't
|
|
know. Tolerable for short periods only but gives tremendous genital pressure
|
|
for both.
|
|
-- The Joy of Sex
|
|
%
|
|
virgin, n:
|
|
An ugly third grader.
|
|
%
|
|
Virginity is a bubble on the sea of life,
|
|
which takes but one prick to break.
|
|
-- Jordan Sand
|
|
%
|
|
VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sep. 22)
|
|
Get it in writing. Be careful. You are surrounded by lechers and
|
|
assholes; birds of a feather flock together. Trust no one. People
|
|
will not be offended, because they've come to recognize you for the
|
|
paranoid neurotic that you are. Your dentures are loose.
|
|
%
|
|
Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, "I want you to help me obtain a
|
|
divorce. My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with."
|
|
What do you mean?" asked the attorney. "Does he force you to indulge
|
|
in unusual sex practices?"
|
|
"No, he doesn't," replied the woman, "and neither does the little
|
|
queer."
|
|
%
|
|
VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES?
|
|
%
|
|
W. Lafayette may not be the asshole of the universe...
|
|
but you sure as hell can see it from there!
|
|
%
|
|
Waldheimers disease is what you have when you can't remember you were a Nazi.
|
|
%
|
|
War is menstruation envy.
|
|
%
|
|
Was it you that did the pushin',
|
|
Left the stains upon the cushion,
|
|
The footprints on the dashboard upside-down?
|
|
Was it you, you little pecker,
|
|
That got into my Rebecca,
|
|
If you did, you'd better leave this town!
|
|
|
|
Yes, 'twas I that did the pushin',
|
|
Left the stains upon the cushion,
|
|
Footprints on the dashboard upside-down.
|
|
But since I stuck your daughter,
|
|
I've had trouble passin' water,
|
|
So I guess we're kind of even all around!
|
|
%
|
|
wasp, n:
|
|
Someone who gets out of the shower to take a piss.
|
|
%
|
|
Watch out for a cold wave this week. (Or maybe a warm WAC.)
|
|
%
|
|
Watching girls go passing by
|
|
It ain't the latest thing
|
|
I'm just standing in a doorway
|
|
I'm just trying to make some sense
|
|
Out of these girls passing by A smile relieves the heart that grieves
|
|
The tales they tell of men Remember what I said
|
|
I'm not waiting on a lady I'm not waiting on a lady
|
|
I'm just waiting on a friend I'm just waiting on a friend
|
|
...
|
|
Don't need a whore
|
|
Don't need no booze
|
|
Don't need a virgin priest Ooh, making love and breaking hearts
|
|
But I need someone I can cry to It is a game for youth
|
|
I need someone to protect But I'm not waiting on a lady
|
|
I'm just waiting on a friend
|
|
I'm just waiting on a friend
|
|
-- Rolling Stones, "Waiting on a Friend"
|
|
%
|
|
Water? Never touch the stuff! Fish fuck in it.
|
|
-- W.C. Fields
|
|
%
|
|
We ... make the modern error of dignifying the Individual. We do everything
|
|
we can to butter him up. We give him a name, assure him that he has certain
|
|
inalienable rights, educate him, let him pass on his name to his brats and
|
|
when he dies we give him a special hole in the ground ... But after all, he's
|
|
only a seed, a bloom and a withering stalk among pressing billions. Your
|
|
Individual is a pretty disgusting, vain, lewd little bastard ... By God,
|
|
he has only one right guaranteed him in Nature, and that is the right to die
|
|
and stink to Heaven.
|
|
-- Ross Lockridge, quoted in "Short Lives" by Katinka Matson
|
|
%
|
|
We Americans, we're a simple people... but piss us off, and we'll bomb
|
|
your cities.
|
|
-- Robin Williams
|
|
%
|
|
We are upping our standards ... so up yours.
|
|
-- Pat Paulsen for President
|
|
%
|
|
We aren't what we eat. We are what we don't shit.
|
|
-- Hugh Romney
|
|
%
|
|
We boggies are a hairy folk Ever hungry, ever thirsting,
|
|
Who like to eat until we choke. Never stop till belly's bursting.
|
|
Loving all like friend and brother, Chewing chop and pork and muttons,
|
|
And hardly ever eat each other. A merry race of boring gluttons.
|
|
|
|
Sing: GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE.
|
|
|
|
Boggies gather 'round the table, Anything edible, we've got dibs on,
|
|
Eat as much as you are able. And hope we all die with our bibs on.
|
|
Gorge yourselves from moon till noon Ever gay, we'll never grow up,
|
|
(Don't forget your plate and spoon.) Come! And sing and play and throw-up!
|
|
|
|
Sing: GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE!
|
|
-- Bored of the Rings, "The Hobbits National Anthem"
|
|
%
|
|
We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
|
|
%
|
|
We came, we saw, we kicked its ass!
|
|
-- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
|
|
%
|
|
We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand.
|
|
-- James Watt, noted ecologist
|
|
%
|
|
We drove to the hotel and said goodbye. How hypocritical to go upstairs
|
|
with a man you don't want to fuck, leave the one you do sitting there alone,
|
|
and then, in a state of great excitement, fuck the one you don't want to
|
|
fuck while pretending he's the one you do. That's called fidelity. That's
|
|
called civilization and its discontents.
|
|
-- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying"
|
|
%
|
|
We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free
|
|
his hands for masturbation.
|
|
-- Lily Tomlin
|
|
%
|
|
We must! We must!
|
|
We must increase our bust!
|
|
The bigger the better!
|
|
The tighter the sweater!
|
|
And the boys will think more of us!
|
|
%
|
|
We sailed on the good ship Venus,
|
|
My God, you should have seen us
|
|
With a figurehead
|
|
Of a whore in bed
|
|
And the mast an upright penis
|
|
|
|
The captain of the lugger
|
|
Was known as a filthy bugger
|
|
Declared unfit
|
|
To shovel shit
|
|
From one ship to another
|
|
|
|
The first mate's name was Cooper,
|
|
By god he was a trooper
|
|
He jerked and jerked
|
|
Until he worked
|
|
Himself into a stupor
|
|
|
|
The cabin boy was chipper,
|
|
A dandy little nipper
|
|
He shoved cracked glass
|
|
Inside his ass
|
|
And circumcised the skipper
|
|
|
|
The captain's wife was Charlotte,
|
|
Born and bred a harlot
|
|
Her thighs at night
|
|
Were lily white
|
|
By morning they were scarlet
|
|
|
|
The captain's youngest daughter
|
|
Slipped into the water
|
|
Her plaintive squeals
|
|
Announced that eels
|
|
Had found her sexual quarter
|
|
|
|
The ship's dog's name was Rover,
|
|
They turned the poor beast over
|
|
And ground and ground
|
|
That faithful hound
|
|
From Tenerief to Dover
|
|
%
|
|
We took some pictures of the girls, but they weren't developed.
|
|
-- Groucho Marx
|
|
%
|
|
We will follow Zarathustra, We will worship like the Druids,
|
|
Zarathustra like we use to, Dancing naked in the woods,
|
|
I'm a Zarathustra booster, Drinking strange fermented fluids,
|
|
And he's good enough for me! And it's good enough for me!
|
|
(chorus) (chorus)
|
|
|
|
In the church of Aphrodite,
|
|
The priestess wears a see through nightie,
|
|
She's a mighty righteous sightie,
|
|
And she's good enough for me!
|
|
(chorus)
|
|
|
|
CHORUS: Give me that old time religion,
|
|
Give me that old time religion,
|
|
Give me that old time religion,
|
|
'Cause it's good enough for me!
|
|
%
|
|
Welcome back, my friends, to the show that never ends!
|
|
We're so glad you could attend, come inside, come inside!
|
|
There behind the glass there's a real blade of grass,
|
|
Be careful as you pass, move along, move along.
|
|
Come inside, the show's about to start,
|
|
Guaranteed to blow your head apart.
|
|
Rest assured, you'll get your money's worth,
|
|
Greatest show, in heaven, hell or earth!
|
|
You gotta see the show! It's a dynamo!
|
|
You gotta see the show! It's rock 'n' roll!
|
|
-- ELP, "Karn Evil 9" (1st Impression, Part 2)
|
|
%
|
|
Welcome to Fortune Blackmail!!
|
|
Ms. Kat****** Bl****an is the mistress of a well-known
|
|
banker in Houston, Texas. That's $5000, please, to stop
|
|
us from revealing both of your names, Mr. L*****, so that
|
|
your wife Doreen, and your lovely children Diane, Janice
|
|
and Tom need never know the name of your mistress. You
|
|
have two days to reach us at:
|
|
|
|
Fortune Blackmail
|
|
Behind the hot water pipes,
|
|
Third stall from the end,
|
|
Greyhound Bus Terminal, Fayette MO.
|
|
%
|
|
Welcome to Fortune Blackmail!!
|
|
This is the first of a series of revelations which could
|
|
add up to a divorce, premature retirement and possible
|
|
criminal proceedings for a company vice-president in Langley Virginia.
|
|
So, Mr. S*****, $10,000 please to stop us from revealing:
|
|
1: Whose shoulders you were sitting on.
|
|
2: What you were doing.
|
|
3: The names of the three people involved.
|
|
4: The youth organization to which they belonged.
|
|
5: The shop where you bought the equipment.
|
|
%
|
|
Well, actually, I don't mind going to weddings or anything, as long as they're
|
|
not my own, I show up, but uh, I've always kinda been partial to callin' myself
|
|
up on the phone, asking myself out, y'know, yeah, one thing about it, you're
|
|
always around. Yeah, I know, yeah, you ask yourself out, y'know, some class
|
|
joint somewhere, the Burrito King, or somethin', y'know, well, I ain't cheap
|
|
y'know. Take yourself out for a coupla drinks, mebbe, then you eat, some
|
|
provocative conversation on the way home, and uh, park in front of the house,
|
|
y'know, and you, oh yeah, you smoo with yourself, put a little nice music on,
|
|
mebbe you put on like, uh, y'know, like shoppin' music, something that's not
|
|
too interruptive, y'know, and then uh, y'know, slide over real nice, and say,
|
|
"Oh, I think you have something in your eye", well, maybe it's not that
|
|
romantic with you, but I don't, y'know, I get into it, y'know, I take myself
|
|
up to the porch, and uh, take myself inside, maybe, oh, I might get a little
|
|
something in a brandy snifter, "Would you like to listen to some of my back
|
|
records, I got something here...", well, usually, about two-thirty in the
|
|
morning, you've ended up takin' advantage of yourself, and there ain't no way
|
|
around that, y'know, yeah, makin' the scene with a magazine, ain't no way
|
|
around it. I'll confess, y'know, I'm no different, y'know, I'm not weird
|
|
about it or anything, I don't tie myself up first, I just, I just kinda
|
|
spend a little time with myself.
|
|
-- Tom Waits, "Nighthawks at the Diner"
|
|
%
|
|
Well buggered was a boy named Delpasse
|
|
By all of the lads in his class
|
|
He said, with a yawn,
|
|
"Now the novelty's gone
|
|
And it's only a pain in the ass."
|
|
%
|
|
Well, God gave me a bust. What am I supposed to do with it?
|
|
-- Martha Mitchell
|
|
%
|
|
Well, he went down to dinner in his Sunday best,
|
|
Excitable boy, they all said!
|
|
And he rubbed the pot roast all over his chest,
|
|
Excitable boy, they all said! (Well, he's just an excitable boy.)
|
|
|
|
He took in the 4am show at the Clark,
|
|
Excitable boy, they all said!
|
|
And he bit the usherette's leg in the dark,
|
|
Excitable boy, they all said! (Well, he's just an excitable boy.)
|
|
|
|
He took little Susie to the junior prom,
|
|
Excitable boy, they all said!
|
|
And he raped her and killed her, then he took her home,
|
|
Excitable boy, they all said! (Well, he's just an excitable boy!)
|
|
|
|
After ten long years they let him out of the home,
|
|
Excitable boy, they all said!
|
|
And he dug up her grave and built a cage with her bones,
|
|
Excitable boy, they all said! (Well, he's just an excitable boy.)
|
|
-- Warren Zevon, "Excitable Boy"
|
|
%
|
|
Well, I don't know where they come from but they sure do come,
|
|
I hope they comin' for me!
|
|
And I don't know how they do it but they sure do it good,
|
|
I hope they doin' it for free!
|
|
They give me cat scratch fever... cat scratch fever!
|
|
First time that I got it I was just ten years old,
|
|
Got it from the kitty next door...
|
|
I went to see the doctor and he gave me the cure,
|
|
I think I got it some more!
|
|
Got a bad scratch fever...
|
|
-- Ted Nugent, "Cat Scratch Fever"
|
|
%
|
|
"Well, I took your advice, Doc", said Knopp,
|
|
"And told my wife to try it on top.
|
|
She bounced for an hour,
|
|
Till she ran out of power,
|
|
And the kids, who'd grown bored, made us stop."
|
|
%
|
|
Well, I went to a party, and what did they do?
|
|
They took off their socks and they took off their shoes.
|
|
They took off their shirts, and they took off their pants,
|
|
I had a hunch, we weren't gonna dance.
|
|
|
|
Everybody, everybody's ass was bare,
|
|
No bras left, just a queer over there.
|
|
But the whole damn thing didn't faze me a bit;
|
|
I just jumped on the pile and grabbed some tit.
|
|
|
|
My baby's not a sports fan,
|
|
But she plays with balls whenever she can.
|
|
'Cause her favorite sport you see,
|
|
Is playing tonsil hockey.
|
|
[chorus]
|
|
Eat, bite, fuck, suck, gobble, nibble, chew;
|
|
Nipple, bosom, hair pie, finger fuck, screw.
|
|
Moose piss, cat pud, orangutan tit;
|
|
Sheep pussy, camel crack, pig-lie-in-shit.
|
|
-- Doctor Dirty, "The Eat-Bite Song"
|
|
%
|
|
Well, I'd left home just a week before,
|
|
And I'd never ever kissed a woman before,
|
|
But Lola smiled and took me by the hand,
|
|
And said 'Little boy, gonna make you a man!'
|
|
Well, I'm not the world's most masculine man,
|
|
But I know what I am and I'm glad I'm a man and so's Lola.
|
|
La, la, la, la-Lola... la, la, la, la-Lola... Lola.
|
|
-- The Kinks
|
|
%
|
|
Well, it seems that there was this traveling saleswoman whose car broke
|
|
down, late at night, in the middle of a torrential downpour. Hoping to
|
|
find a phone she ran to a nearby farmhouse. When she was unable to find
|
|
a garage still open, the farmer told her that, while they were short of
|
|
beds, she could sleep with his daughter. The daughter proved to eighteen
|
|
and beautiful. So they went to bed, and shortly afterward, the saleswoman
|
|
rolled over toward the daughter and said, "Dear, I'm sure that you're aware
|
|
that some women like... to be with... other women. Let me be frank..."
|
|
"No!" interrupted the daughter, sternly. "This time *I* want to
|
|
be Frank!"
|
|
%
|
|
"Well, madam," the bishop declared,
|
|
While the vicar just mumbled and stared,
|
|
"'Twere better, perhaps,
|
|
In the crypt or the apse,
|
|
Because sex in the nave must be shared."
|
|
%
|
|
Well, now that SUN's in bed with AT&T, I sure hope she sleeps with her
|
|
back to the wall.
|
|
-- Guy Harris, on AT&T buying 20% of SUN Microsystems
|
|
|
|
Eat shit and die. Strong memo to follow.
|
|
-- Mike O'Dell, on AT&T buying 20% of SUN Microsystems
|
|
%
|
|
Well, see, I was out with this chick last night, and we were in bed, and
|
|
she groaned to me, "Give me nine inches, and make it hurt!" So, I fucked
|
|
her twice and slapped her.
|
|
%
|
|
Well, see, Joyce, there we were, trapped in the elevator. Now, I had
|
|
my tennis racquet and the goldfish; she was holding the Crisco. Surely
|
|
you can imagine how one thing naturally led to another!
|
|
%
|
|
Well, you almost got it right. The only problem is, you're doing it exactly
|
|
backwards! Just reverse the motions you described and your partner will
|
|
experience an incredibly intense orgasm. One trouble with this technique,
|
|
though, is that it works so well. Believe me, word will get around about
|
|
your newfound prowess and you'll be inundated by prospective sexual partners.
|
|
So try to be discreet. I prefer maple syrup to pineapple/apricot lotion, but
|
|
that's a matter of personal preference. Also, I'd advise against the syrup,
|
|
or using honey, if you're outside, because the insects it attracts tend to
|
|
distract the quail. You can substitute crazy glue (but obviously not thumb
|
|
tacks!) for the masking tape, but only if you don't want to use the piano for
|
|
awhile.
|
|
%
|
|
Well, you got your mules and you got your racehorses, and you can kick
|
|
a mule in the ass all you want, and he's still not gonna be a racehorse.
|
|
-- Billy Martin, "Esquire", May, 1984
|
|
%
|
|
Well, you see, it's such a transitional creature. It's a piss-poor reptile
|
|
and not very much of a bird.
|
|
-- Melvin Konner, from "The Tangled Wing", quoting a
|
|
zoologist who has studied the archeopteryx and found it
|
|
"very much like people".
|
|
%
|
|
Well, you see there was this neighborhood that had a priest, a minister, and
|
|
a rabbi who lived near each other. One summer afternoon the priest went out
|
|
and bought himself a new car, and the minister and rabbi, not to be outdone,
|
|
did the same.
|
|
The next day the priest went out and blessed his car. The minister
|
|
hired a crane and baptized his car in a swimming pool. The rabbi, after
|
|
thinking seriously for a bit, got a hacksaw and cut three inches off the end
|
|
of the tail pipe.
|
|
%
|
|
We're all looking for a woman who can sit in a mini-skirt and talk
|
|
philosophy, executing both with confidence and style.
|
|
%
|
|
Were it not for imagination, sir, a man would be as happy in the arms
|
|
of a chambermaid as a duchess.
|
|
-- Dr. Johnson
|
|
%
|
|
wet dream, n:
|
|
Overnight sensation.
|
|
%
|
|
We've all heard about the woman who married a Field Service engineer but
|
|
divorced him after one day because he'd done nothing on their wedding night
|
|
but promise to have it up in 15 minutes. What few people realize is that the
|
|
poor man was in the bathroom all night, masturbating furiously, muttering
|
|
"I just don't understand, it passes all the diagnostics!"
|
|
%
|
|
"We've got things well in hand."
|
|
-- Master Byte Software, Los Gatos California.
|
|
%
|
|
We've just received the results of a survey conducted to ascertain the
|
|
various reasons men get out of bed in the middle of the night. According
|
|
to the report, 2% are motivated by a desire to visit the bathroom, and
|
|
3% have an urge to raid the refrigerator. The other 95% get up to go home.
|
|
%
|
|
What a man enjoys most about a woman's clothes are his fantasies of how
|
|
she would look without them.
|
|
-- Brendan Francis
|
|
%
|
|
What creatures of habit we are. This morning, without thinking, half asleep,
|
|
I put $100 on my pillow. That's not so bad, no one would worry about it, but
|
|
my wife, half asleep, without thinking, gave me $20 change.
|
|
%
|
|
What did Snow white say when told she was pregnant?
|
|
"I'd like to thank all the little people who made this possible..."
|
|
|
|
Presumably this all started that evening when she was feeling Happy...
|
|
%
|
|
What do hookers do on their nights off, type?
|
|
-- Elayn Boosler
|
|
%
|
|
What do you call someone with herpes, AIDS, syphilis, and gonorrhea?
|
|
An incurable romantic.
|
|
%
|
|
What is a promiscuous person -- it's usually someone who is getting more
|
|
sex than you are.
|
|
-- Victor Lownes, quoted in "In and Out: Debrett 1980-81",
|
|
by N. Mackwood
|
|
%
|
|
What the fuck, over?
|
|
%
|
|
What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
|
|
%
|
|
What this department needs is a really good inflatable doll.
|
|
%
|
|
What with chromodynamics and electroweak too
|
|
Our Standardized Model should please even you,
|
|
Tho' once you did say that of charm there was none
|
|
It took courage to switch as to say Earth moves not Sun.
|
|
Yet your state of the union penultimate large
|
|
Is the last known haunt of the Fractional Charge,
|
|
And as you surf in the hot tub with sourdough roll
|
|
Please ponder the passing of your sole Monopole.
|
|
Your Olympics were fun, you should bring them all back
|
|
For transsexual tennis or Anamalon Track,
|
|
But Hollywood movies remain sinfully crude
|
|
Whether seen on the telly or Remotely Viewed.
|
|
Now fasten your sunbelts, for you've done it once more,
|
|
You said it in Leipzig of the thing we adore,
|
|
That you've built an incredible crystalline sphere
|
|
Whose German attendants spread trembling and fear
|
|
Of the death of our theory by Particle Zeta
|
|
Which I'll bet is not there say your article, later.
|
|
-- Sheldon Glashow, Physics Today, December, 1984
|
|
%
|
|
What you mean, how old am I? About one hundred! But Viennese answer is
|
|
better: we say, "I keep passing the open windows." This is an old joke.
|
|
There was a street clown called King of the Mice: he trained rodents, he
|
|
did horoscopes, he could impersonate Napoleon, he could make dogs fart
|
|
on command. One night he jumped out his window with all his pets in a box.
|
|
Written on the box was this: "Life is serious, but art is fun!" I hear his
|
|
funeral was a party. A street artist had killed himself. Nobody had
|
|
supported him but now everybody missed him. Now who would make the dogs
|
|
make music and the mice pant? The bear knows this, too: it is hard work
|
|
and great art to make life not so serious.
|
|
-- John Irving "The Hotel New Hampshire"
|
|
%
|
|
Whatever you say about pornography, sex is here to stay.
|
|
%
|
|
What's on the floor of the old hen-house?
|
|
Doo-doo, doo-doo.
|
|
-- Foghorn Leghorn, to "Camptown Ladies"
|
|
%
|
|
What's the worst thing about being an atheist?
|
|
Noone to talk to when you're having an orgasm.
|
|
%
|
|
When a girl admits she's had a checkered career, it's your move.
|
|
%
|
|
When a man grows old and his balls
|
|
grow cold, So find me a seat and stand me a drink
|
|
And the end of his knob turns blue; And a tale to you I'll tell
|
|
When it's bent in the middle like a Of Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
|
|
one-string fiddle, And the gentle Eskimo Nell.
|
|
He can tell a tale or two.
|
|
|
|
When Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
|
|
Go out in search of fun, And when Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
|
|
It's usually Dick who wields the prick Are sore, depressed, and mad,
|
|
And Mexican Pete the gun. 'Tis the cunt that bears the brunt
|
|
So the shooting ain't so bad.
|
|
There was rarely a day without a lay
|
|
And usually two or three Now Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
|
|
For Dead-eye Dick, his kingly prick Had been hunting in Deadman's creek.
|
|
Was always like a tree. And they'd had no luck in the way of
|
|
a fuck
|
|
Just a moose or two and a caribou, For nigh on half a week.
|
|
And a bison cow or so;
|
|
And for Dead-eye Dick with his kingly prick
|
|
This fucking was mighty slow.
|
|
-- The Ballad of Eskimo Nell
|
|
%
|
|
When better women are made, computer programmers will make them.
|
|
%
|
|
When ev'rybody's tryin' to sleep,
|
|
I'm somewhere makin' my midnight creep. Chorus:
|
|
In the mornin' the rooster crow, I am a back door man,
|
|
Somethin' tells me I got to go. I am a back door man,
|
|
Well, the men don't know,
|
|
They take me to the doctor, But the little girls understand.
|
|
shot full of holes,
|
|
Nurse try to save a soul.
|
|
Killed her for murder first degree,
|
|
Judge what tried let the man go free.
|
|
|
|
Stand up, cop's wife cried, don't take him down,
|
|
Rather be dead six feet in the ground.
|
|
When you come home, you can eat pork and beans,
|
|
I eats more chicken than any man's seen.
|
|
-- Willie Dixon, "Backdoor Man", 1961
|
|
%
|
|
When he tried to inject his huge whanger
|
|
A young man aroused his girl's anger.
|
|
As they strove in the dark
|
|
She was heard to remark,
|
|
"What you need is a zeppelin hanger."
|
|
%
|
|
When his company fell on hard times, the boss realized that he'd have to
|
|
lay off one of his two middle managers. As both Jack and Liz were equally
|
|
honest and dedicated to their jobs, he was unable to decide which one to
|
|
fire. To resolve his dilemma, the boss arbitrarily decided that the first
|
|
to leave his or her desk the next morning would be the one to get the ax.
|
|
The next morning found Liz at her desk, rubbing her temples. Asking
|
|
Jack for some aspirin, she headed for the water fountain and that's where
|
|
the boss caught up with her. "I've got some bad news for you, Liz," he said.
|
|
"I've got to lay you or Jack off."
|
|
"Jack off," she snapped. "I have a headache."
|
|
%
|
|
When I need something
|
|
To help me unwind
|
|
I find a six-foot baby What kind of guy
|
|
With a one-track mind Does a lot for me
|
|
Smart guys are nowhere Superman
|
|
They make demands With a lobotomy
|
|
Give me a moron My father's out of Harvard
|
|
With talented hands My brother's out of Yale
|
|
I go bar-hopping Well the guy I took home last night
|
|
And they say "Last call" Just got out of jail
|
|
I start shopping The way he grabbed and threw me
|
|
For a Neanderthal Oooo, it really got me hot
|
|
But the way he growled and bit me
|
|
The bigger they come I hoped he had his shots
|
|
The harder I fall
|
|
In love till we're done The bigger they are
|
|
Then they're out in the hall The harder they'll work
|
|
I got a soft spot
|
|
For a good-looking jerk
|
|
-- Julie Brown, "I Like 'Em Big and Stupid"
|
|
%
|
|
When I was eight years old I came home with tears in my eyes because some
|
|
kids had stolen my sandwich. My father handed me an ice pick, and said,
|
|
"Next time, hit 'em first and hit 'em hard."
|
|
-- Jake LaMotta
|
|
|
|
You can't go into the ring and be a nice guy. I would go a month, two
|
|
months, without having sex. It worked for me because it made me a
|
|
vicious animal. You can't fight if you have any compassion or anything
|
|
like that.
|
|
-- Jake LaMotta
|
|
%
|
|
When in calling, plain speaking is out;
|
|
When the ladies (God bless 'em) are milling about,
|
|
You may wet, make water, or empty the glass;
|
|
You can powder your nose, or the "johnny" will pass.
|
|
It's a drain for the lily, or man about dog
|
|
When everyone's drunk, it's condensing the fog;
|
|
But sure as the devil, that word with a hiss
|
|
It's only in Shakespeare that characters ____.
|
|
-- Ogden Nash
|
|
%
|
|
When it all boils down to the essence of truth one must live by
|
|
a dog's rule of life: If you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it!
|
|
%
|
|
When Snow White turns on with the dwarfs she probably winds up feeling Dopey.
|
|
%
|
|
When somebody protested at [Pope Alexander VI's] wholesale distribution of
|
|
pardons for the most heinous crimes -- one of which included the murder of
|
|
a daughter by the father -- he retorted easily, "It is not God's will that
|
|
a sinner should die, but that he should live -- and pay."
|
|
-- E.R. Chamberlin, "The Bad Popes"
|
|
|
|
Judas sold Christ for 30 denari, this man [Pope Alexander VI] would sell
|
|
him for 29.
|
|
-- Ottaviano Ubaldini, chamberlain to Pope Alexander VI
|
|
%
|
|
When the candles are out all women are fair.
|
|
-- Plutarch
|
|
%
|
|
When the naive young lady asked the clerk in Le Sex Shoppe to show her his
|
|
selection of vibrators, he brought out the two most popular ones.
|
|
"The basic white plastic one here is twenty dollars," the clerk said.
|
|
"The flesh-toned rubber models are thirty."
|
|
"I'm just not sure," the woman said, Then she noticed an eye-catching
|
|
item on the back shelf. "How much is that plaid one over there?
|
|
"Uh, well, that's a pretty special one," said the clerk. "I couldn't
|
|
sell you that one for less than a hundred."
|
|
"I'll take it."
|
|
Later that day, the store owner checked in to see how business was
|
|
going. "Great," the clerk told him. "This morning, I sold four white
|
|
vibrators and three flesh-toned ones. And, this afternoon, I got a hundred
|
|
bucks for my Thermos."
|
|
%
|
|
When the prick stands up, the brains get buried in the ground.
|
|
-- Old Jewish saying
|
|
|
|
[How come there aren't ever any "New Jewish sayings?" Ed.]
|
|
%
|
|
When the shit hits the fan, keep your mouth shut!
|
|
%
|
|
When they tell me to stick it where
|
|
the sun don't shine, I put it in Oregon.
|
|
%
|
|
When things go wrong as they usually will,
|
|
And your daily road seems all uphill,
|
|
When funds are low and debts are high,
|
|
When you try to smile, but can only cry --
|
|
And you really feel you'd like to quit,
|
|
Don't talk to me; I don't give a shit.
|
|
%
|
|
When you and I are far apart
|
|
Can sorrow break your tender heart?
|
|
I love you darling, yes I do;
|
|
Sleep is so sweet when I dream of you;
|
|
All you are is a blossoming rose.
|
|
Night is here so I must close.
|
|
With care read the first word of each line.
|
|
You will find a question of mine.
|
|
-- Yours hopefully, The VAX.
|
|
%
|
|
When you're lying on the bed,
|
|
And the thought is in your head,
|
|
But the feeling is way down between your legs,
|
|
Take your problem in your hand,
|
|
And beat it to the band,
|
|
And try your best to keep it off the walls.
|
|
|
|
Don't let your lover tell you,
|
|
Don't let anybody sell you,
|
|
That the joy of masturbation is a crime.
|
|
For I've rid myself of fears,
|
|
(I've been doing it for years)
|
|
And now I have an erection all the time.
|
|
%
|
|
Whenever someone tells you to "take it like a man" it usually means
|
|
up your ass.
|
|
%
|
|
"Where'd she get those crow's feet? You really want to know?"
|
|
"Yeah."
|
|
"From squinting and screaming, "Suck what!?"
|
|
%
|
|
Which of the following doesn't belong?
|
|
a. meat
|
|
b. eggs
|
|
c. drum
|
|
d. blowjob.
|
|
|
|
Answer:
|
|
d: A blowjob, because you can beat your meat, your eggs,
|
|
or your drum, but you just can't beat a blowjob.
|
|
%
|
|
While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who
|
|
was pretty, chic, and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his
|
|
hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately, as
|
|
will happen, the executive sadly found himself unable to perform.
|
|
On his first night home, the executive padded naked from the shower
|
|
into the bedroom to find his wife swathed in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair
|
|
curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly as she pored through a movie
|
|
magazine. And then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent
|
|
erection.
|
|
Looking down at his throbbing member, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful,
|
|
mixed-up, son-of-a-bitch! Now I know why they call you a prick!"
|
|
%
|
|
While farmers generally allow one rooster for ten hens, ten men are
|
|
scarcely sufficient to service one woman.
|
|
-- Boccaccio
|
|
%
|
|
While not actually a sailor, I certainly enjoy getting blown ashore.
|
|
%
|
|
While sitting 'neath an oak one morn
|
|
In thought on this and that,
|
|
A tiny, twitt'ring little bird "Oh tiny bird, O Nature's gift
|
|
A load dropped in my hat. Of music and of wit!
|
|
Why didst thou feel that my best hat
|
|
"Thy music gladdens my poor soul, Was thy best place to shit?"
|
|
And brings joy to my heart.
|
|
But tell me, little bird divine, The tiny bird a few notes sang,
|
|
Why didst thou not just fart?" Then answer'd "Pardon me,
|
|
For thy hat I thought was my nest,
|
|
I rose and stood in solemn awe A-fallen from the tree."
|
|
His words to better mull,
|
|
Then lifted up a paving block
|
|
And crushed his fucking skull.
|
|
-- Bill Wordsworth, "A Tiny Twitt'ring Bird"
|
|
%
|
|
While vacationing last summer in the North Woods, a young fellow thought it
|
|
might be a good idea to write his girl. He had brought no stationery with
|
|
him, however; so he had to walk into town for some. Entering the one and
|
|
only general store, he discovered that the clerk was a young, full-blown farm
|
|
girl with languorous eyes.
|
|
"Do you keep stationery?" he asked.
|
|
"Well," she giggled, "I do until the last few seconds, and then I
|
|
just go wild."
|
|
%
|
|
Whip it, baby.
|
|
Whip it right.
|
|
Whip it, baby.
|
|
Whip it all night!
|
|
%
|
|
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
|
|
|
|
Because his wife left him. But things are looking up for their reconciliation.
|
|
Seems that when she left, she took his word processor, and she's been renting
|
|
it out occasionally in Japan. That is, every now and then she gets a yen for
|
|
his Wang.
|
|
%
|
|
Why, Good Morning! I'm the bluebird of fellatio!
|
|
%
|
|
Why I am an atheist:
|
|
|
|
1. Atheists do not believe in higher powers.
|
|
2. God is the highest power.
|
|
3. Therefore, God must be an atheist.
|
|
4. We should all strive to be like God.
|
|
5. We should all be atheists.
|
|
%
|
|
Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are horses?
|
|
-- G. Gordon Liddy
|
|
%
|
|
Why is Mrs. Carter always on top when she and Jimmy make love?
|
|
Because all Jimmy Carter can do is fuck up.
|
|
%
|
|
Why marry a virgin? If she wasn't good enough for the rest of them
|
|
then she isn't good enough for you.
|
|
%
|
|
Why not, for example, offer a brand-new Mustang convertible to every girl
|
|
who consents to having her Fallopian tubes tied in a Gordian knot? ... It
|
|
would have the additional benefit of eliminating from the gene pool those
|
|
stupid enough to consent to such a deal.
|
|
-- Edward Abbey
|
|
%
|
|
...why should you waste a single moment of *your* life seeming to be something
|
|
you don't want to be? Lord, that's so simple. If you hate your job, quit it.
|
|
If your friends are tedious, go out and find new friends. You are queer, you
|
|
lucky fool, and that makes you one of life's buccaneers, free from the clutter
|
|
of 2000 years of Judeo-Christian sermonizing. Stop feeling sorry for yourself
|
|
and start raising your sails. You haven't a moment to lose.
|
|
-- Edmund Carlevale
|
|
%
|
|
Willie, looking in the mirror, Willie with the nursery shears
|
|
Sucked the mercury off Cut off both the baby's ears.
|
|
Thinking in his childish error To the baby so unsightly
|
|
It would cure the whooping cough. Mother raised her eyebrows slightly.
|
|
|
|
At the funeral his weeping mother In the family drinking well
|
|
Sadly said to Mrs. Brown, Willie pushed his sister, Nell.
|
|
"'Twas a chilly day for Willie She's there still because it killed her,
|
|
When the mercury went down." Now, we have to buy a filter.
|
|
%
|
|
Winning isn't everything, but losing really sucks.
|
|
%
|
|
With a bushel of apples, you can have
|
|
a hell of a time with the doctor's wife.
|
|
%
|
|
wok, n:
|
|
Something to thwow at a wabbit.
|
|
%
|
|
Woman is: finally screwing and your groin and buttocks and thighs ache like
|
|
hell and you're all wet and maybe bloody and it wasn't like a Hollywood
|
|
movie at all but Jesus at least you're not a virgin any more but is this
|
|
what it's all about? And meanwhile, he's asking "Did you come?"
|
|
-- Robin Morgan, "Sisterhood Is Powerful"
|
|
%
|
|
Women -- can't live with 'em, can't leave 'em by the curb when you're done.
|
|
%
|
|
Women should be obscene and not heard.
|
|
%
|
|
Women think of being a man as a gift. It is a duty. Even making love can
|
|
be a duty. A man has always got to get it up, and love isn't always enough.
|
|
-- Norman Mailer
|
|
%
|
|
Working hard around here is like pissing on yourself in a dark suit;
|
|
you get a warm feeling but nobody notices.
|
|
%
|
|
Working here is like a pregnancy.
|
|
After nine months you wish you hadn't come.
|
|
%
|
|
World War III is about to break out, but hidden somewhere in Switzerland,
|
|
a small group of international statesmen are trying to avert disaster.
|
|
The key members of this group are the representatives from Moscow, Bonn, and
|
|
Jerusalem, who, despite their personal enmity, manage to forge a peaceful
|
|
settlement, at the last moment. As the treaty is signed, and the war
|
|
postponed, almost entirely through the efforts of those three men, an angel
|
|
appears. "The earth is saved through the efforts of these three men!
|
|
Therefore, I will grant each of them their heart's desire!"
|
|
So, the angel asks the German for his wish, and the German, recalling
|
|
the nearness of their disaster, and perceiving the cause to have been the
|
|
Russians, immediately says "I wish there were no more Russians!" And God
|
|
said, "It will be done."
|
|
The angel asks the Russian for his wish, which, of course, is "*I*
|
|
wish there were no more Germans!" Replies the angel, "It will be done."
|
|
So the angel asks the Jew for his wish. The Jew is in a state of
|
|
shock. "Will you really grant the German's wish?" he asks, and the angel
|
|
avers. "And the Russian's, too?" The angel avers yet again. Then the Jew
|
|
thinks a moment, leans back and says, "In that case, I think I'd like a small
|
|
cup of coffee."
|
|
%
|
|
Would you rather have a 5-inch hard or an 8-inch floppy?
|
|
%
|
|
Writers do it between periods.
|
|
%
|
|
"Yeah, I used to be into necrophilia, bestiality and sadism, but then I
|
|
realized I was just flogging a dead horse."
|
|
%
|
|
Yesterday is a memory,
|
|
Tomorrow is a vision,
|
|
Today is a bitch!
|
|
%
|
|
You are a tower of strength in the office, but only so-so in bed.
|
|
%
|
|
You are without a doubt a rogue, a rascal, a villain, a thief, a scoundrel,
|
|
and a mean, dirty, stinking, sniveling, sneaking, pimping, pocketpicking,
|
|
thrice double-damned, no-good son-of-a-bitch.
|
|
%
|
|
You are witty, charming, handsome and above average in length.
|
|
%
|
|
You better believe that marijuana can cause castration.
|
|
Just suppose your girlfriend gets the munchies!
|
|
%
|
|
"You can beat my meat, but you can't lick my sauce!"
|
|
-- Boss' Ribs, Portland, Oregon
|
|
%
|
|
You can find sympathy, in the dictionary, right near shit and suicide.
|
|
%
|
|
You can get used to living at a nudist camp.
|
|
The first three days are the hardest.
|
|
-- R. Dreiser
|
|
%
|
|
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose;
|
|
but you can't pick your friend's nose.
|
|
%
|
|
You come out of a woman and you spend the rest
|
|
of your life trying to get back inside.
|
|
-- Heathcote Williams
|
|
%
|
|
You have been bitchy since Tuesday and you'll probably get fired today.
|
|
%
|
|
You have to be a bastard to make it, and that's a fact. And the Beatles
|
|
are the biggest bastards on earth.
|
|
-- John Lennon
|
|
%
|
|
You know the Norplant thing? It's a new birth control device for women.
|
|
It's a cartridge, that goes in your arm. Well, they're coming out with
|
|
a new one for men: it's a brain, that goes in your head.
|
|
%
|
|
You know what burns my ass? A flame about three feet high.
|
|
%
|
|
You might get caught holding the bag. Say she's your sister.
|
|
%
|
|
You pedophiliac sodomizer of ducklings!!
|
|
%
|
|
You see that fucking fish?
|
|
If he'd kept his mouth shut, he wouldn'ta got caught.
|
|
-- Sam Giancana
|
|
%
|
|
You should be a hemorrhoid, you're such a pain in the ass.
|
|
%
|
|
You wanna play the dozens,
|
|
Well, the dozens is a game,
|
|
But the way I fuck your mother is an ass-wringing shame!
|
|
-- George Carlin
|
|
%
|
|
You will always have friends
|
|
Some friends will peter out.
|
|
But I'll always be your friend,
|
|
Peter in or peter out.
|
|
%
|
|
You'll be a guest at a gay party.
|
|
That will have important consequences for you.
|
|
%
|
|
Young men want to be faithful and are not;
|
|
old men want to be faithless and cannot.
|
|
-- Oscar Wilde
|
|
%
|
|
Your boy/girl friend is *so* ugly that...
|
|
|
|
-- when you look up ugly in the dictionary, their picture's there.
|
|
-- it looks like their face caught fire and someone put it out
|
|
with an ice pick.
|
|
-- Nabisco used their face to model for animal cookies.
|
|
-- when they yelled "Rape", the guy screamed "No way!"
|
|
-- they were the birth control poster child.
|
|
-- when they were born, the doctor slapped their mother.
|
|
-- as a child, their parents tied a pork chop around her neck to
|
|
get the puppy to play with them.
|
|
-- they have to sneak up on a glass of water, just to get a drink!
|
|
%
|
|
Your chances of getting hit by lightning go up if you stand under a tree,
|
|
shake your fist at the sky, and say, "Storms suck!"
|
|
-- Johnny Carson
|
|
%
|
|
Your first husband was the one you married while firmly believing that
|
|
there are more important things in life than great sex.
|
|
%
|
|
YOUR FOAMY FUTURE
|
|
by Miss Fortune
|
|
|
|
SCORPIO (October 24 - November 21)
|
|
"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take the chance?" is your
|
|
motto. You don't do much other than sleep, eat, down brewskis, and watch TV.
|
|
Your friends and family are constantly pestering you to clean up your act.
|
|
But it's OK, Scorpio. A kick in the ass is at least one step forward.
|
|
|
|
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
|
|
You've been on a diet for two weeks and all you've lost is two weeks.
|
|
My advice is to drink copius amounts of beer just to get the thought of food
|
|
out of your mind. Remember, a good reducing exercise consists of placing
|
|
both hands against the table edge and pushing back.
|
|
|
|
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan 19)
|
|
Remember that day you had one beer too many and did something
|
|
extremely foolish? Now your friends are coming and going and your enemies
|
|
accumulating. Cheer up! All is not lost. It's better to be hated for
|
|
what you are than loved for what you're not.
|
|
%
|
|
Your spooning days are over,
|
|
And your pilot light is out;
|
|
When what used to be your sex appeal
|
|
Is now your water spout!
|
|
%
|
|
You're not an alcoholic unless you go to the meetings.
|
|
%
|
|
Yuck Foo.
|
|
%
|
|
Zippity doo dah, zippity ay,
|
|
I just gave my sister's cherry away!
|
|
To a couple of truckers from Erie P.A.,
|
|
Zippity doo dah, zippity ay.
|
|
-- John Valby
|
|
%
|