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@ -1702,14 +1702,6 @@ the Cat.
"I don't care much where--" said Alice.
"Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.
-- Lewis Carroll
%
COMMENT
Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
A medley of extemporanea;
And love is thing that can never go wrong;
And I am Marie of Roumania.
-- Dorothy Parker
%
Concerning the war in Vietnam, Senator George Aiken of Vermont noted
in January, 1966, "I'm not very keen for doves or hawks. I think we need more
@ -1929,22 +1921,6 @@ Christmas tree. The piano is missing.
You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless
you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level
4. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog.
%
FIGHTING WORDS
Say my love is easy had,
Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
Say I am too often sad --
Still behold me at your side.
Say I'm neither brave nor young,
Say I woo and coddle care,
Say the devil touched my tongue --
Still you have my heart to wear.
But say my verses do not scan,
And I get me another man!
-- Dorothy Parker
%
"For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence
of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind."
@ -2216,20 +2192,6 @@ full of money before."
"Ran over a bottle."
"Didn't you see it?"
"Damn kid had it under his coat."
%
Hug O' War
I will not play at tug o' war.
I'd rather play at hug o' war,
Where everyone hugs
Instead of tugs,
Where everyone giggles
And rolls on the rug,
Where everyone kisses,
And everyone grins,
And everyone cuddles,
And everyone wins.
-- Shel Silverstein
%
Human thinking can skip over a great deal, leap over small
misunderstandings, can contain ifs and buts in untroubled corners of
@ -2683,33 +2645,6 @@ right any day."
"Pity," said Arthur with sympathy. "It sounded like quite a good
life-style otherwise."
-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%
Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care
what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you
may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness. Conversely, if
not forgiveness but something else may be required to insure any possible
benefit for which you may be eligible after the destruction of your body,
I ask this, whatever it may be, be granted or withheld, as the case may be,
in such a manner as to insure your receiving said benefit. I ask this in my
capacity as your elected intermediary between yourself and that which may
not be yourself, but which may have an interest in the matter of your
receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and
which may in some way be influenced by this ceremony.
Amen.
-- Roger Zelazny, "Creatures of Light and Darkness", 1969
%
INVENTORY
Four be the things I am wiser to know:
Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
Four be the things I'd been better without:
Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
Three be the things I shall never attain:
Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
Three be the things I shall have till I die:
Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
%
"Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?"
"To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time."
@ -3989,28 +3924,6 @@ The center is very pleased with progress to date. They say they have
almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the
organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to
exist.
%
THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5: VALGOL
From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando Valley,
VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry.
Here is a sample program:
LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START
IF PIZZA = LIKE BITCHEN AND GUY = LIKE TUBULAR AND
VALLEY GIRL = LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 THEN
FOR I = LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100
DO*WAH - (DITTY**2)
BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
SURE
LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM
REALLY
LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW)
IM*SURE
GOTO THE MALL
When the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message:
GAG ME WITH A SPOON!!
%
THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #8: LAIDBACK
@ -5342,9 +5255,6 @@ that he didn't force you down on the asking price.
-- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated
the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles.
-- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally.
-- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony.
-- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well
advised to refrain from catapulting projectiles.
%
=============== ALL FRESHMEN PLEASE NOTE ===============
@ -11083,9 +10993,6 @@ Armstrong's Collection Law:
If the check is truly in the mail,
it is surely made out to someone else.
%
Arnold's Addendum:
Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats.
%
Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
1.) If it should exist, it doesn't.
2.) If it does exist, it's out of date.
@ -12661,7 +12568,7 @@ Boren's Laws:
(2) When in trouble, delegate.
(3) When in doubt, mumble.
%
boss, n:
Boss, n:
According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages the
words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss,
in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an
@ -12942,7 +12849,7 @@ wrote the program.
Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed.
-- Ray Simard
%
bug, n:
Bug, n:
An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect.
The activity of "debugging", or removing bugs from a program, ends
when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.
@ -13531,14 +13438,14 @@ only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the
others who have tried it.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the
most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of
Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which
reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground nuts) Order, the expression
nuts shall have reference to such nuts, other than ground nuts, as would
but for this amending Order not qualify as nuts (unground) (other than ground
nuts) by reason of their being nuts (unground)."
Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and
the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court
of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate
which reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground nuts) Order,
the expression nuts shall have reference to such nuts, other than ground
nuts, as would but for this amending Order not qualify as nuts
(unground) (other than ground nuts) by reason of their being nuts
(unground)."
-- Guinness Book of World Records, 1973
%
Certainly the game is rigged.
@ -15064,17 +14971,6 @@ letter, or even 25 cents on a stamp!
so post it as many places as you can.
-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
%
Dear Sir,
I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or
to the office. We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in public
places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result in the farmers
being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn will cause massive un-
employment in the already severely depressed agricultural industry.
Yours faithfully,
Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J.P.
Sevenoaks
-- Letters To The Editor, The Times of London
%
Death before dishonor.
But neither before breakfast.
%
@ -17844,9 +17740,6 @@ Finagle's Eleventh Law:
No matter what occurs, someone believes
it happened according to his pet theory.
%
Finagle's First Law:
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
%
Finagle's First Law:
To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
@ -18180,9 +18073,6 @@ For children with short attention spans: boomerangs that don't come back.
For courage mounteth with occasion.
-- William Shakespeare, "King John"
%
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
-- Harrison
%
For every bloke who makes his mark,
there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out.
-- Andy Capp
@ -19527,17 +19417,6 @@ Your butt is on the menu
And the check is in the mail.
-- The Piranha Club Anthem, to the tune of "De Camptown Races"
%
From the "Guinness Book of World Records", 1973:
Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and
the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the
Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his
candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground
nuts) Order, the expression nuts shall have reference to such nuts,
other than ground nuts, as would but for this amending Order not
qualify as nuts (unground)(other than ground nuts) by reason of their
being nuts (unground)."
%
From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was
convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
-- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults"
@ -24042,21 +23921,6 @@ I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
I met a wonderful new man. He's fictional, but you can't have everything.
-- Cecelia, "The Purple Rose of Cairo"
%
I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda
S-O-D-A soda
I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
Well I've been around but I ain't never seen
A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green
Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand
Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
-- The STAR WARS Song, to "Lola", by the Kinks
%
I met my latest girl friend in a department store. She was looking at
clothes, and I was putting Slinkys on the escalators.
-- Steven Wright
@ -24531,10 +24395,6 @@ are worth considering, to wit:
"When paying tolls, remember that it is necessary to release the
quarter a full 3 seconds before passing the basket if you are
traveling more than 60 MPH."
[110.13]:
"When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not
to interfere with oncoming traffic."
%
I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
@ -24627,12 +24487,6 @@ But only Schlitz can make a beer.
I think that I shall never see
A billboard lovely as a tree.
Indeed, unless the billboards fall
I'll never see a tree at all.
-- Nash
%
I think that I shall never see
A billboard lovely as a tree.
Perhaps, unless the billboards fall
I'll never see a tree at all.
-- Ogden Nash
%
@ -25899,21 +25753,6 @@ this is the case, then programmers stand on one another's toes, and
software engineers dig each other's graves.
-- Unknown
%
If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the
shoulders of giants.
-- Isaac Newton
In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side
with the giants on whose shoulders we stand.
-- Gerald Holton
If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing
on my shoulders.
-- Hal Abelson
In computer science, we stand on each other's feet.
-- Brian K. Reid
%
If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.
-- Bob Hope
%
@ -37641,7 +37480,7 @@ Pardo's First Postulate:
fattening.
Arnold's Addendum:
Everything else causes cancer in rats.
Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats.
%
Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they
didn't have much of anything to do with it.
@ -39438,10 +39277,6 @@ A: A dope ring.
Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A: To cover up the valve stem.
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years".
%
Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal?
A: Diyathinkhesaurus.
@ -41474,25 +41309,6 @@ Spock: Affirmative.
Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two.
Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two.
%
Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug
Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug
And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all,
Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall
And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
And we've also found Just flip one switch
When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch
You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble
Oh, it's so much fun, in a flash.
Now the CPU won't run When the CPU
And the system is going to crash. Can print nothing out but "foo,"
The system is going to crash.
-- To The Caissons Go Rolling Along
%
Scratch the disks!
Drop the core!
Roll the tapes across the floor!
%
Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else.
%
Scribline, n.:
@ -46676,7 +46492,8 @@ often turn to a related (but infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.
%
THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #14 -- VALGOL
VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the
From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando
Valley VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the
industry. VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL, and Y*KNOW.
Variables are assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTALLY operators. Other
operators include the "California booleans", AX and NOWAY. Loops are
@ -48383,9 +48200,6 @@ and peculiar sort of voluntary thinking.
The solution of this problem is trivial
and is left as an exercise for the reader.
%
The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
-- Peer
%
The somewhat old and crusty vicar was taking a well-earned retirement from
his rather old and crusty parish. As is usual in these cases, a locum was
sent to cover the transition period. This particular man was young and
@ -52054,7 +51868,7 @@ yourself and that which may have an interest in the matter of your receiving
as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may
in some way be influenced by this ceremony.
Amen.
-- Roger Zelazny, "Creatures of Light and Darkness"
-- Roger Zelazny, "Creatures of Light and Darkness", 1969
%
To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program.
%
@ -56803,22 +56617,6 @@ I'd LOVE to, but...
-- I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
-- My crayons all melted together.
%
Why I Can't Go Out With You:
I'd LOVE to, but ...
-- I have to floss my cat.
-- I've dedicated my life to linguini.
-- I need to spend more time with my blender.
-- it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
-- it's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish.
-- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves.
-- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
-- I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
-- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
-- I have some really hard words to look up.
-- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.
-- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
%
Why is it called a funny bone when it hurts so much?
%
Why is it taking so long for her to bring out all the good in you?
@ -57873,9 +57671,6 @@ a private eye.
Yeah, there are more important things in life than money,
but they won't go out with you if you don't have any.
%
YEAR:
A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
%
Year Name James Bond Book
---- -------------------------------- -------------- ----
50's James Bond TV Series Barry Nelson