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@ -1,8 +1,218 @@
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%% $FreeBSD$
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My Favorite Drugs [Sung to My Favorite Things]
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Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers
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Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars
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Reds and peyote to work out your bugs
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These are a few of my favorite drugs.
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Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout
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Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out
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Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs
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These are a few of my favorite drugs.
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|
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Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys
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Users of heroin, often called junkies
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Methadone helps then to stop being thugs
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Takes them off one of my favorite drugs.
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On a bad trip
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When the cops come
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When I lose my head
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I simply take more of my favorite drugs
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And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead!
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%
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NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY:
|
||||
"Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on a
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||||
short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her
|
||||
promptly to avoid extended waits. (We are still awaiting shipment of
|
||||
our "Big John" doll.)
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%
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||||
... But among the children of the Great Society there were
|
||||
those whose skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly,
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and of the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat....
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||||
Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and
|
||||
they called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my
|
||||
people go to the front of the bus."
|
||||
But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all
|
||||
deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove
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||||
yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like
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unto a snowball in Hell."
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-- "The Begatting of a President"
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%
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And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?"
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They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the
|
||||
ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our
|
||||
very selfhood revealed."
|
||||
And Jesus replied, "What?"
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%
|
||||
"God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no
|
||||
matter what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly
|
||||
pleasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent
|
||||
merriment.
|
||||
"Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone
|
||||
agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals -- lions and
|
||||
lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects,
|
||||
though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along
|
||||
innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they
|
||||
were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one."
|
||||
-- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
|
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%
|
||||
In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was
|
||||
without form. And darkness was upon the staff members thereof. So
|
||||
they spake unto their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit,
|
||||
and it stinks."
|
||||
|
||||
And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying,
|
||||
"It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof." Now,
|
||||
the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, "It is a
|
||||
container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none may abide
|
||||
before it." And it came to pass that the Directorate Head spake unto
|
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the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer
|
||||
and none may abide by its strength."
|
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|
||||
And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the
|
||||
Technical Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and
|
||||
it is very strong." And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto
|
||||
the Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the
|
||||
growth of the Laboratories."
|
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|
||||
And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that
|
||||
it was Good!
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%
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Overheard in a bar:
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Man: "Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!"
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Woman: "No, thanks, I've already got one ass-hole in there now."
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%
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The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't
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just say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these
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primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot,
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and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal
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saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think
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you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same
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time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of
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Northern Mali that you may be interested in."
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So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic
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publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest
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naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason
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naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an
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article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System
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Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But
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others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev.
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Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked.
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-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
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%
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The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff: "You
|
||||
claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle in
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his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"
|
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|
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"Yes," he admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, but
|
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not much good in a fight."
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%
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The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint
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My back aches, my pussy is sore;
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I simply can't fuck any more;
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I'm covered with sweat,
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And you haven't come yet,
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And my God, it's a quarter to four!
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%
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Them Toad Suckers
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How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods?
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Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs!
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Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers,
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Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers.
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Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy?
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Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy!
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Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south,
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Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth!
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How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it,
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Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it!
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-- Mason Williams
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%
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Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn
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how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay,
|
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you say `ass' and I'll say `hell'".
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All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where
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their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.
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"Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios."
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His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the
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room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?"
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"I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass
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it ain't gonna be Cheerios."
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%
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||||
"What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you
|
||||
didn't believe in God."
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||||
"I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the
|
||||
God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's
|
||||
not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be."
|
||||
-- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
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||||
%
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||||
When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her
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operation, the young woman asked her somewhat hesitantly how long it
|
||||
would be before she could resume her sex life. "I really haven't
|
||||
thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon. "You're the first
|
||||
patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!"
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%
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The Split-Atom Blues
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|
||||
Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine,
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Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline....
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But if you split those atoms fine,
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Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine!
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|
||||
Gimme zits, take my dough,
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Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll....
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Call the devil and sell my soul,
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But Mama keep dem atoms whole!
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-- Milo Bloom, "Bloom County"
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%
|
||||
... And then there's the guy who bought 20,000 bras, cut them in half,
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and sold 40,000 yamalchas with chin straps....
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%
|
||||
... But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that cannot
|
||||
be produced by either of the parties working alone. It is akin to the
|
||||
benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation. The latter
|
||||
is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing with
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him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole bunch
|
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of knuckles.
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-- Harlan Ellison
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%
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71:
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69 with two fingers up your ass.
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||||
-- George Carlin
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%
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||||
... Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side,
|
||||
you have George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of
|
||||
fraternity hazing wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating
|
||||
stunts to win the approval of the Republican Right. For example, they
|
||||
had him make a speech oozing praise all over William Loeb, deceased
|
||||
publisher of the Manchester (N.H.) Union Leader and Slime Journalist.
|
||||
Loeb had dumped viciously all over George in the 1980 New Hampshire
|
||||
primary. But when the Right held a big tribute for Loeb, George came
|
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back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped around his
|
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neck.
|
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-- Dave Barry, "The Twinkie and the Squid"
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%
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... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even worse
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is, our standards keep changing. Take Playboy magazine. Back in the
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1950s, when I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was
|
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considered just about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever
|
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showed was women's breasts. Granted, any given one of these breasts
|
||||
would have provided adequate shelter for a family of four, but the
|
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overall effect was no more explicit than many publications we think
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nothing of today, such as Sports Illustrated's Annual Nipples Poking
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Through Swimsuits Issue.
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-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
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%
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... The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil
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out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge.
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-- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19
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%
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A bather whose clothing was strewed
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By breezes that left her quite nude,
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Saw a man come along
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@ -111,8 +321,6 @@ Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
|
||||
"Get out of my clinic;
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Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
|
||||
%
|
||||
A.I. hackers do it with robots.
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%
|
||||
Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder.
|
||||
%
|
||||
"Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western
|
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@ -127,6 +335,8 @@ Achilles' Biological Findings:
|
||||
-- the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the
|
||||
rooster.
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||||
%
|
||||
A.I. hackers do it with robots.
|
||||
%
|
||||
Aide to Raygun: Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget
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||||
cuts.
|
||||
Raygun himself: Tell them they'll have to help themselves.
|
||||
@ -172,15 +382,6 @@ unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine
|
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bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits,
|
||||
provideth that they are nice and fresh.'"
|
||||
-- Dave Barry, "Getting Religion"
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||||
%
|
||||
And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?"
|
||||
They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the
|
||||
ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our
|
||||
very selfhood revealed."
|
||||
And Jesus replied, "What?"
|
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%
|
||||
... And then there's the guy who bought 20,000 bras, cut them in half,
|
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and sold 40,000 yamalchas with chin straps....
|
||||
%
|
||||
Anxiety, n.:
|
||||
The first time you can't do it a second time.
|
||||
@ -261,14 +462,6 @@ Know-How reloaded the brassiere with tits, every heterosexual male in
|
||||
the country was hopelessly trapped.
|
||||
-- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
|
||||
%
|
||||
... But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that cannot
|
||||
be produced by either of the parties working alone. It is akin to the
|
||||
benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation. The latter
|
||||
is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing with
|
||||
him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole bunch
|
||||
of knuckles.
|
||||
-- Harlan Ellison
|
||||
%
|
||||
"California is proud to be the home of the freeway."
|
||||
-- Ronald Reagan
|
||||
%
|
||||
@ -515,18 +708,6 @@ $50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time.
|
||||
%
|
||||
"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company."
|
||||
-- Mark Twain
|
||||
%
|
||||
"God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no
|
||||
matter what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly
|
||||
pleasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent
|
||||
merriment.
|
||||
"Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone
|
||||
agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals -- lions and
|
||||
lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects,
|
||||
though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along
|
||||
innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they
|
||||
were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one."
|
||||
-- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
|
||||
%
|
||||
God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
|
||||
%
|
||||
@ -628,18 +809,6 @@ damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun.
|
||||
He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own
|
||||
hands.
|
||||
%
|
||||
"He's not pining, he's passed on! This parrot won't squawk! He's
|
||||
ceased to be! He's expired, and gone to meet his maker! It's a
|
||||
stiff! No breath of life, he may rest in peace! If you hadn't nailed
|
||||
him to the perch, he'd be pushing up the daisies! He's off the twig!
|
||||
He's kicked the bucket! He's curled up his tooties! He's shuffled off
|
||||
this mortal world! He's run down the curtain, and joined the bleed'n
|
||||
Choir Invincible! HE'S FUCKING SNUFFED IT! Vis-a-vi his metabolic
|
||||
processes is head is lost. All statements concerning this parrot is no
|
||||
longer a going concern, after from now on, Inoperative...
|
||||
|
||||
THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!"
|
||||
%
|
||||
Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest
|
||||
in a yak.
|
||||
-- Woody Allen
|
||||
@ -673,6 +842,18 @@ King Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed:
|
||||
and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina."
|
||||
-- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live"
|
||||
%
|
||||
"He's not pining, he's passed on! This parrot won't squawk! He's
|
||||
ceased to be! He's expired, and gone to meet his maker! It's a
|
||||
stiff! No breath of life, he may rest in peace! If you hadn't nailed
|
||||
him to the perch, he'd be pushing up the daisies! He's off the twig!
|
||||
He's kicked the bucket! He's curled up his tooties! He's shuffled off
|
||||
this mortal world! He's run down the curtain, and joined the bleed'n
|
||||
Choir Invincible! HE'S FUCKING SNUFFED IT! Vis-a-vi his metabolic
|
||||
processes is head is lost. All statements concerning this parrot is no
|
||||
longer a going concern, after from now on, Inoperative...
|
||||
|
||||
THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!"
|
||||
%
|
||||
History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion --
|
||||
i.e., none to speak of.
|
||||
-- Lazarus Long
|
||||
@ -763,18 +944,6 @@ scares the shit out of me.
|
||||
I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on
|
||||
now.
|
||||
%
|
||||
I'm for peace -- I've yet to see a man wake up in the morning and say
|
||||
"I've just had a good war."
|
||||
-- Mae West
|
||||
%
|
||||
I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall,
|
||||
it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French
|
||||
government -- I'd give it all up for one erection.
|
||||
-- Groucho Marx
|
||||
%
|
||||
"I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. I'd like to
|
||||
watch him have another."
|
||||
%
|
||||
If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing his hair. If this doesn't
|
||||
work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.
|
||||
%
|
||||
@ -848,31 +1017,18 @@ buzz-saw."
|
||||
Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion.
|
||||
-- Robert Burton
|
||||
%
|
||||
I'm for peace -- I've yet to see a man wake up in the morning and say
|
||||
"I've just had a good war."
|
||||
-- Mae West
|
||||
%
|
||||
I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall,
|
||||
it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French
|
||||
government -- I'd give it all up for one erection.
|
||||
-- Groucho Marx
|
||||
%
|
||||
"In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with
|
||||
reality at any point."
|
||||
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
|
||||
%
|
||||
In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was
|
||||
without form. And darkness was upon the staff members thereof. So
|
||||
they spake unto their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit,
|
||||
and it stinks."
|
||||
|
||||
And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying,
|
||||
"It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof." Now,
|
||||
the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, "It is a
|
||||
container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none may abide
|
||||
before it." And it came to pass that the Directorate Head spake unto
|
||||
the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer
|
||||
and none may abide by its strength."
|
||||
|
||||
And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the
|
||||
Technical Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and
|
||||
it is very strong." And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto
|
||||
the Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the
|
||||
growth of the Laboratories."
|
||||
|
||||
And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that
|
||||
it was Good!
|
||||
%
|
||||
In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
|
||||
Massaging the bust of his madam,
|
||||
@ -899,6 +1055,9 @@ Greeks never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital
|
||||
lies."
|
||||
-- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way"
|
||||
%
|
||||
"I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. I'd like to
|
||||
watch him have another."
|
||||
%
|
||||
Jesus died for your sins. Make it worth his time.
|
||||
%
|
||||
"Jesus saves... but Gretzky gets the rebound!"
|
||||
@ -928,18 +1087,6 @@ LET Jesus be YOUR anchor!
|
||||
|
||||
So when Satan rocks your boat, THROW Jesus overboard!
|
||||
%
|
||||
... Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side,
|
||||
you have George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of
|
||||
fraternity hazing wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating
|
||||
stunts to win the approval of the Republican Right. For example, they
|
||||
had him make a speech oozing praise all over William Loeb, deceased
|
||||
publisher of the Manchester (N.H.) Union Leader and Slime Journalist.
|
||||
Loeb had dumped viciously all over George in the 1980 New Hampshire
|
||||
primary. But when the Right held a big tribute for Loeb, George came
|
||||
back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped around his
|
||||
neck.
|
||||
-- Dave Barry, "The Twinkie and the Squid"
|
||||
%
|
||||
Life is like a penis: when it's soft you can't beat it, and when it's
|
||||
hard you get fucked.
|
||||
%
|
||||
@ -991,34 +1138,6 @@ drunk or sober."
|
||||
My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my
|
||||
family, it seems, begins where yours left off.
|
||||
-- Alexandre Dumas, pere
|
||||
%
|
||||
My Favorite Drugs [Sung to My Favorite Things]
|
||||
Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers
|
||||
Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars
|
||||
Reds and peyote to work out your bugs
|
||||
These are a few of my favorite drugs.
|
||||
|
||||
Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout
|
||||
Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out
|
||||
Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs
|
||||
These are a few of my favorite drugs.
|
||||
|
||||
Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys
|
||||
Users of heroin, often called junkies
|
||||
Methadone helps then to stop being thugs
|
||||
Takes them off one of my favorite drugs.
|
||||
|
||||
On a bad trip
|
||||
When the cops come
|
||||
When I lose my head
|
||||
I simply take more of my favorite drugs
|
||||
And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead!
|
||||
%
|
||||
NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY:
|
||||
"Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on a
|
||||
short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her
|
||||
promptly to avoid extended waits. (We are still awaiting shipment of
|
||||
our "Big John" doll.)
|
||||
%
|
||||
No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether
|
||||
she will or will not be a mother.
|
||||
@ -1033,13 +1152,6 @@ Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex.
|
||||
%
|
||||
Nuke the gay, unborn, baby whales for Jesus.
|
||||
%
|
||||
O'Riordan's Theorem:
|
||||
Brains x Beauty = Constant.
|
||||
|
||||
Purmal's Corollary:
|
||||
As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity,
|
||||
availability goes to zero.
|
||||
%
|
||||
Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers.
|
||||
%
|
||||
Occident, n.:
|
||||
@ -1113,6 +1225,21 @@ Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one, but nobody wants to
|
||||
look at the other guy's.
|
||||
-- Hal Hickman
|
||||
%
|
||||
O'Riordan's Theorem:
|
||||
Brains x Beauty = Constant.
|
||||
|
||||
Purmal's Corollary:
|
||||
As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity,
|
||||
availability goes to zero.
|
||||
%
|
||||
"Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in
|
||||
a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave
|
||||
national emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to
|
||||
gobble us up if we did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the
|
||||
exorbitant sums demanded. Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem
|
||||
never to have happened, seem never to have been quite real."
|
||||
-- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957
|
||||
%
|
||||
Our [softball] team usually puts the other woman at second base, where
|
||||
the maximum possible number of males can get there on short notice to
|
||||
help out in case of emergency. As far as I can tell, our second
|
||||
@ -1126,18 +1253,6 @@ probably would elect to save the infant's life, without ever
|
||||
considering whether there were men on base.
|
||||
-- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
|
||||
%
|
||||
"Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in
|
||||
a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave
|
||||
national emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to
|
||||
gobble us up if we did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the
|
||||
exorbitant sums demanded. Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem
|
||||
never to have happened, seem never to have been quite real."
|
||||
-- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957
|
||||
%
|
||||
Overheard in a bar:
|
||||
Man: "Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!"
|
||||
Woman: "No, thanks, I've already got one ass-hole in there now."
|
||||
%
|
||||
People who develop the habit of thinking of themselves as world
|
||||
citizens are fulfilling the first requirement of sanity in our time.
|
||||
-- Norman Cousins
|
||||
@ -1306,17 +1421,6 @@ candidates for president.
|
||||
-- John Greenway, "The American Tradition", on feminist
|
||||
Elizabeth Gould Davis
|
||||
%
|
||||
... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even worse
|
||||
is, our standards keep changing. Take Playboy magazine. Back in the
|
||||
1950s, when I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was
|
||||
considered just about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever
|
||||
showed was women's breasts. Granted, any given one of these breasts
|
||||
would have provided adequate shelter for a family of four, but the
|
||||
overall effect was no more explicit than many publications we think
|
||||
nothing of today, such as Sports Illustrated's Annual Nipples Poking
|
||||
Through Swimsuits Issue.
|
||||
-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
|
||||
%
|
||||
Sooner or later, generals will own you.
|
||||
%
|
||||
Statisticians do it with 95% confidence.
|
||||
@ -1345,50 +1449,13 @@ am prepared to say `ouch!' as loud as anyone."
|
||||
"The Army is a place where you get up early in the morning to be yelled
|
||||
at by people with short haircuts and tiny brains."
|
||||
-- Dave Barry
|
||||
%
|
||||
The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't
|
||||
just say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these
|
||||
primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot,
|
||||
and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal
|
||||
saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think
|
||||
you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same
|
||||
time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of
|
||||
Northern Mali that you may be interested in."
|
||||
So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic
|
||||
publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest
|
||||
naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason
|
||||
naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an
|
||||
article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System
|
||||
Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But
|
||||
others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev.
|
||||
Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked.
|
||||
-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
|
||||
%
|
||||
The computer is the ultimate polluter: its shit is indistinguishable
|
||||
from the food it produces.
|
||||
%
|
||||
The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff: "You
|
||||
claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle in
|
||||
his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"
|
||||
|
||||
"Yes," he admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, but
|
||||
not much good in a fight."
|
||||
%
|
||||
The difference between this school and a cactus plant is that the
|
||||
cactus has the pricks on the outside.
|
||||
%
|
||||
... The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil
|
||||
out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge.
|
||||
-- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19
|
||||
%
|
||||
The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint
|
||||
|
||||
My back aches, my pussy is sore;
|
||||
I simply can't fuck any more;
|
||||
I'm covered with sweat,
|
||||
And you haven't come yet,
|
||||
And my God, it's a quarter to four!
|
||||
%
|
||||
The man who said "A bird in the hand's worth two in the bush" has been
|
||||
putting his bird in the *WRONG* bushes.
|
||||
%
|
||||
@ -1448,19 +1515,6 @@ are not.
|
||||
The sergeant walked into the shower and caught me giving myself a
|
||||
dishonorable discharge. Without missing a beat, I said, "It's my dick
|
||||
and I can wash it as fast as I want!"
|
||||
%
|
||||
The Split-Atom Blues
|
||||
|
||||
Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine,
|
||||
Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline....
|
||||
But if you split those atoms fine,
|
||||
Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine!
|
||||
|
||||
Gimme zits, take my dough,
|
||||
Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll....
|
||||
Call the devil and sell my soul,
|
||||
But Mama keep dem atoms whole!
|
||||
-- Milo Bloom, "Bloom County"
|
||||
%
|
||||
"The State of California has no business subsidizing intellectual
|
||||
curiosity."
|
||||
@ -1493,24 +1547,6 @@ have attempted to explain why. Usually these explanations get bogged
|
||||
down in silly puns about "standing erect".
|
||||
%
|
||||
The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit.
|
||||
%
|
||||
Them Toad Suckers
|
||||
|
||||
How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods?
|
||||
Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs!
|
||||
|
||||
Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers,
|
||||
Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers.
|
||||
|
||||
Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy?
|
||||
Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy!
|
||||
|
||||
Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south,
|
||||
Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth!
|
||||
|
||||
How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it,
|
||||
Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it!
|
||||
-- Mason Williams
|
||||
%
|
||||
There are also a lot of nice buildings in Haiphong. What their
|
||||
contributions are to the war effort I don't know, but the desire to
|
||||
@ -1805,17 +1841,6 @@ And paused to smoke some pot.
|
||||
Did groove and trip out at the pad:
|
||||
All whimsy were the slamming chicks,
|
||||
And the Radcliffe undergrad.
|
||||
%
|
||||
Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn
|
||||
how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay,
|
||||
you say `ass' and I'll say `hell'".
|
||||
All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where
|
||||
their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.
|
||||
"Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios."
|
||||
His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the
|
||||
room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?"
|
||||
"I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass
|
||||
it ain't gonna be Cheerios."
|
||||
%
|
||||
"Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it's just the
|
||||
opposite."
|
||||
@ -1853,19 +1878,6 @@ walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.
|
||||
country and put parking strips on it, and still be home by Christmas."
|
||||
-- Ronald Reagan
|
||||
%
|
||||
WE'RE GOING TO THROW THE MX AWAY AFTER WE BUILD IT. The MX is really
|
||||
[Don't tell anybody!] just a "bargaining chip" in the nuclear-arms-
|
||||
reduction talks with the Russians. See, we have a problem with the
|
||||
Russians. They look at our leaders and they see, for example, George
|
||||
Bush, who is really a fine and brave man but who happens to have this
|
||||
unfortunate physical characteristic whereby when he talks he sounds as
|
||||
though he just inhaled a helium party balloon. If he ever becomes
|
||||
President, the Russians will deliberately create nuclear crises just so
|
||||
they can gather around the Hot Line with refreshments and listen to
|
||||
George talk.
|
||||
-- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
|
||||
Political Fallout"
|
||||
%
|
||||
Well, see, Joyce, there we were, trapped in the elevator. Now, I had
|
||||
my tennis racquet and the goldfish; she was holding the Crisco. Surely
|
||||
you can imagine how one thing naturally led to another!
|
||||
@ -1889,6 +1901,19 @@ The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says:
|
||||
"Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so
|
||||
pissed."
|
||||
%
|
||||
WE'RE GOING TO THROW THE MX AWAY AFTER WE BUILD IT. The MX is really
|
||||
[Don't tell anybody!] just a "bargaining chip" in the nuclear-arms-
|
||||
reduction talks with the Russians. See, we have a problem with the
|
||||
Russians. They look at our leaders and they see, for example, George
|
||||
Bush, who is really a fine and brave man but who happens to have this
|
||||
unfortunate physical characteristic whereby when he talks he sounds as
|
||||
though he just inhaled a helium party balloon. If he ever becomes
|
||||
President, the Russians will deliberately create nuclear crises just so
|
||||
they can gather around the Hot Line with refreshments and listen to
|
||||
George talk.
|
||||
-- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
|
||||
Political Fallout"
|
||||
%
|
||||
What can you use used tampons for? Tea bags for vampires.
|
||||
%
|
||||
What did Mickey Mouse get for Christmas?
|
||||
@ -1898,13 +1923,6 @@ What is the difficulty with writing a PDP-8 program to emulate Jerry
|
||||
Ford?
|
||||
|
||||
Figuring out what to do with the other 3K.
|
||||
%
|
||||
"What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you
|
||||
didn't believe in God."
|
||||
"I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the
|
||||
God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's
|
||||
not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be."
|
||||
-- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
|
||||
%
|
||||
When God created man, She was only testing.
|
||||
%
|
||||
@ -1917,12 +1935,6 @@ can't happen."
|
||||
%
|
||||
When it all boils down to the essence of truth one must live by a dog's
|
||||
rule of life: if you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it!
|
||||
%
|
||||
When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her
|
||||
operation, the young woman asked her somewhat hesitantly how long it
|
||||
would be before she could resume her sex life. "I really haven't
|
||||
thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon. "You're the first
|
||||
patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!"
|
||||
%
|
||||
While I, with my usual enthusiasm,
|
||||
Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,
|
||||
@ -2026,14 +2038,3 @@ into your coffee. You:
|
||||
to bullshit you, or I may just be bullshitting you inadvertently."
|
||||
-- J. Wainwright, Mathematics 140b
|
||||
%
|
||||
... But among the children of the Great Society there were
|
||||
those whose skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly,
|
||||
and of the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat....
|
||||
Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and
|
||||
they called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my
|
||||
people go to the front of the bus."
|
||||
But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all
|
||||
deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove
|
||||
yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like
|
||||
unto a snowball in Hell."
|
||||
-- "The Begatting of a President"
|
||||
|
||||
Loading…
Reference in New Issue
Block a user