1. Remove a bunch of duplicates. Usually this means removing them from

fortunes, but occasionally remove them from the other 2 files when
   they are not offensive, or not murphy'ish enough.

   Where the version in fortunes had better attribution and/or formatting,
   copy it over.

2. Fix a few typos

3. Use the full name of François De La Rochefoucauld, fix one of his
   quotes, and remove the duplicate of it.
This commit is contained in:
Doug Barton 2011-12-27 10:21:57 +00:00
parent 60990c0c06
commit 436c93525d
3 changed files with 39 additions and 683 deletions

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@ -4364,7 +4364,7 @@ woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, "The way I look at it,
she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds."
-- David Letterman
%
ASS:
Ass, n.:
The masculine of "lass".
%
Ass, grass or gas... nobody rides for free!
@ -4823,7 +4823,7 @@ Oh, blimey...
[chorus]
%
CHRIST:
Christ, n.:
A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
%
Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not
@ -4946,7 +4946,7 @@ Is the ultimate way you can have 'er.
Means a man needn't wait,
And eliminates all the palaver.
%
COLD:
Cold, adj.:
When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions.
%
Cold, adj.:
@ -8749,8 +8749,8 @@ Kasha, n.:
-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
%
Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College:
Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex
for the students, and parking for the faculty.
Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students,
and parking for the faculty.
%
Kill a commie for Christ!
%
@ -8913,9 +8913,10 @@ replied. "Now, I might have had a cockatoo..."
%
LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with
reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay. Chances for
employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women are
prostitutes. All Libra people die of Venereal disease.
reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay.
Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most
Libra women are prostitutes. All Libra people die of venereal
disease.
%
Lick-a-dee-clit!
%
@ -10065,14 +10066,15 @@ smaller prime numbers.
3: The True Prime --
Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you 3 times, it's true."
31: The Arbitrary Prime --
Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime in
case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91 received
the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the next most.
However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none at all.
Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime
in case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91
received the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the
next most. However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none
at all.
41: The Female Prime --
The polynomial X**2 - X + 41 is
prime for integer values from 1 to 40.
43: The Male Prime - they form a prime pair.
43: The Male Prime -- they form a prime pair.
Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities
are derived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd
@ -10822,7 +10824,7 @@ A: Run like hell, he's got a grenade in his mouth!!
Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
A: Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
%
Q: What do you get when cross a lawyer with a sorority girl??
Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a sorority girl??
A: A woman that, when she goes down on you, gets blood.
%
Q: What do you get when you cross a computer and a JAP?
@ -11367,12 +11369,9 @@ girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.
Democrats make up plans and then do something else.
Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.
Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA.
The remainder is thrown out.
Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms.
That is why there are more Democrats.
-- The Official Rules, as compiled by Paul Dickson
-- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules"
%
Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom
any reason why they should. Democrats ought to, but don't.
@ -11985,6 +11984,7 @@ Sex is low in calories, and *oooh* that aftertaste!
Sex is nobody's business but the three people involved.
%
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
-- Swami X
%
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation ... the other eight
are unimportant.
@ -12282,9 +12282,6 @@ Father, why do these words sound so nasty?
%
Sodomy is a pain in the ass.
%
SOFTWARE:
Formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
%
Some companies idea of playing ball is, you play ball with us,
and we'll stick the fucking bat up your ass.
%
@ -13337,13 +13334,6 @@ Called a girl a most elegant creature.
And, exposing her crack,
Said, "Fuck that, you old Sunday School Teacher!"
%
The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
Called a hen a most elegant creature.
The hen, pleased with that,
Laid an egg in his hat --
And thus did the hen reward Beecher.
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes
%
The REVERSE function works on the opposite SEXPR.
%
The rich man uses Vaseline,

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@ -121,6 +121,7 @@ A drug is that substance which, when injected into a
rat, will produce a scientific report.
%
A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
-- Klipstein
%
A fool and his money are invited places.
%
@ -155,9 +156,6 @@ her opposition.
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept
and the hours are lost.
%
A memorandum is written not to inform the reader
but to protect the writer.
%
A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick
in the pants.
%
@ -315,9 +313,6 @@ never be followed by a crowd.
Anything good in life either causes cancer in
laboratory mice or is taxed beyond reality.
%
Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or
fattening.
%
Anything hit with a big enough hammer will fall apart.
%
Anything is possible, but nothing is easy.
@ -353,8 +348,6 @@ if it succeeds.
Automotive engine repairing law:
If you drop something, it will never reach the ground.
%
Avoid reality at all costs.
%
Bad law is more likely to be supplemented than repealed.
%
Bad news drives good news out of the media.
@ -566,8 +559,6 @@ embarrassment of estimating the corresponding costs.
%
Go where the money is.
%
Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
%
He who dies with the most toys wins.
%
He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from
@ -768,6 +759,7 @@ occasionally be permitted to fly over pigeons.
If things were left to chance, they'd be better.
%
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
-- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
%
If we learn by our mistakes,
I'm getting one hell of an education!!
@ -1030,6 +1022,7 @@ It works better if you plug it in.
It's always darkest before ... daylight saving time.
%
It's always darkest just before the lights go out.
-- Alex Clark
%
It's always easier to go down hill, but the view is
from the top.
@ -1059,8 +1052,6 @@ cater to your favorite neurosis.
%
King Arthur ran the first knight club.
%
Last guys don't finish nice.
%
Laugh and the world laughs with you. cry and ...
you have to blow your nose.
%
@ -1103,8 +1094,6 @@ Mass man must be serviced by mass means.
Misery no longer loves company
nowadays it insists on it.
%
Most people deserve each other.
%
Most people want to be delivered from temptation but
would like it to keep in touch.
%
@ -1144,6 +1133,7 @@ Never get excited about a blind date because of how
it sounds over the phone.
%
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
-- Erma Bombeck
%
Never insult an alligator
until after you have crossed the river.
@ -1180,6 +1170,7 @@ No experiment is ever a complete failure.
It can always be used as a bad example.
%
No good deed goes unpunished.
-- Clare Boothe Luce
%
No major project is ever installed on time, within budgets,
with the same staff that started it. Yours will not be the
@ -1505,9 +1496,6 @@ is in print.
%
Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it.
%
Some people manage by the book, even though they
don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
%
Souffles rise and cream whips only for the family and
for guests you didn't really want to invite anyway.
%
@ -1564,6 +1552,7 @@ proportional to the number of other people who are in
a position to do it instead.
%
The chief cause of problems is solutions.
-- Eric Sevareid
%
The client who pays the least complains the most
%
@ -1650,8 +1639,6 @@ The higher the level of prestige accorded the people
behind the plan, the least less chance there is of
abandoning it.
%
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
%
The inside contact that you have developed at great
expense is the first person to be let go in any
reorganization.
@ -1994,8 +1981,6 @@ not symbolically.
Usefulness is inversely proportional to its reputation
for being useful.
%
Virtue is its own punishment.
%
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by
spontaneously moving from where you left them to where
you can't find them.
@ -2041,8 +2026,6 @@ When all else fails, read the instructions.
When an exaggerated emphasis is placed upon delegation,
responsibility, like sediment, sinks to the bottom.
%
When eating an elephant take one bite at a time.
%
When in doubt, don't mumble, overexpose ... then mumble.
%
When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.
@ -2081,6 +2064,7 @@ When somebody drops something, everybody will kick it
around instead of picking it up.
%
When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
-- Lynch
%
When the government bureau's remedies do not match your
problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy.
@ -2181,8 +2165,7 @@ You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to
float on his back, you've really got something.
%
You can never do just one thing.
%
You can observe a lot just by watching.
-- Hardin
%
You can pray hard enough to make water run uphill
how hard?