1. Remove a bunch of duplicates. Usually this means removing them from
fortunes, but occasionally remove them from the other 2 files when they are not offensive, or not murphy'ish enough. Where the version in fortunes had better attribution and/or formatting, copy it over. 2. Fix a few typos 3. Use the full name of François De La Rochefoucauld, fix one of his quotes, and remove the duplicate of it.
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@ -4364,7 +4364,7 @@ woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, "The way I look at it,
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she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds."
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-- David Letterman
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%
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ASS:
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Ass, n.:
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The masculine of "lass".
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%
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Ass, grass or gas... nobody rides for free!
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@ -4823,7 +4823,7 @@ Oh, blimey...
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[chorus]
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%
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CHRIST:
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Christ, n.:
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A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
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%
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Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not
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@ -4946,7 +4946,7 @@ Is the ultimate way you can have 'er.
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Means a man needn't wait,
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And eliminates all the palaver.
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%
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COLD:
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Cold, adj.:
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When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions.
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%
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Cold, adj.:
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@ -8749,8 +8749,8 @@ Kasha, n.:
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-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
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%
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Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College:
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Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex
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for the students, and parking for the faculty.
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Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students,
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and parking for the faculty.
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%
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Kill a commie for Christ!
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%
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@ -8913,9 +8913,10 @@ replied. "Now, I might have had a cockatoo..."
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%
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LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
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You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with
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reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay. Chances for
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employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women are
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prostitutes. All Libra people die of Venereal disease.
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reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay.
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Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most
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Libra women are prostitutes. All Libra people die of venereal
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disease.
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%
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Lick-a-dee-clit!
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%
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@ -10065,14 +10066,15 @@ smaller prime numbers.
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3: The True Prime --
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Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you 3 times, it's true."
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31: The Arbitrary Prime --
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Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime in
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case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91 received
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the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the next most.
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However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none at all.
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Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime
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in case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91
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received the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the
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next most. However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none
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at all.
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41: The Female Prime --
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The polynomial X**2 - X + 41 is
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prime for integer values from 1 to 40.
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43: The Male Prime - they form a prime pair.
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43: The Male Prime -- they form a prime pair.
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Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities
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are derived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd
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@ -10822,7 +10824,7 @@ A: Run like hell, he's got a grenade in his mouth!!
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Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
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A: Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
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%
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Q: What do you get when cross a lawyer with a sorority girl??
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Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a sorority girl??
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A: A woman that, when she goes down on you, gets blood.
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%
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Q: What do you get when you cross a computer and a JAP?
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@ -11367,12 +11369,9 @@ girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.
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Democrats make up plans and then do something else.
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Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.
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Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA.
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The remainder is thrown out.
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Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms.
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That is why there are more Democrats.
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-- The Official Rules, as compiled by Paul Dickson
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-- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules"
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%
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Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom
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any reason why they should. Democrats ought to, but don't.
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@ -11985,6 +11984,7 @@ Sex is low in calories, and *oooh* that aftertaste!
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Sex is nobody's business but the three people involved.
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%
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Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
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-- Swami X
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%
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Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation ... the other eight
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are unimportant.
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@ -12282,9 +12282,6 @@ Father, why do these words sound so nasty?
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%
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Sodomy is a pain in the ass.
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%
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SOFTWARE:
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Formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
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%
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Some companies idea of playing ball is, you play ball with us,
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and we'll stick the fucking bat up your ass.
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%
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@ -13337,13 +13334,6 @@ Called a girl a most elegant creature.
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And, exposing her crack,
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Said, "Fuck that, you old Sunday School Teacher!"
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%
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The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
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Called a hen a most elegant creature.
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The hen, pleased with that,
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Laid an egg in his hat --
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And thus did the hen reward Beecher.
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-- Oliver Wendell Holmes
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%
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The REVERSE function works on the opposite SEXPR.
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%
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The rich man uses Vaseline,
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@ -121,6 +121,7 @@ A drug is that substance which, when injected into a
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rat, will produce a scientific report.
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%
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A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
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-- Klipstein
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%
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A fool and his money are invited places.
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%
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@ -155,9 +156,6 @@ her opposition.
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A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept
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and the hours are lost.
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%
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A memorandum is written not to inform the reader
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but to protect the writer.
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%
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A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick
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in the pants.
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%
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@ -315,9 +313,6 @@ never be followed by a crowd.
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Anything good in life either causes cancer in
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laboratory mice or is taxed beyond reality.
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%
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Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or
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fattening.
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%
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Anything hit with a big enough hammer will fall apart.
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%
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Anything is possible, but nothing is easy.
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@ -353,8 +348,6 @@ if it succeeds.
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Automotive engine repairing law:
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If you drop something, it will never reach the ground.
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%
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Avoid reality at all costs.
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%
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Bad law is more likely to be supplemented than repealed.
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%
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Bad news drives good news out of the media.
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@ -566,8 +559,6 @@ embarrassment of estimating the corresponding costs.
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%
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Go where the money is.
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%
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Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
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%
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He who dies with the most toys wins.
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%
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He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from
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@ -768,6 +759,7 @@ occasionally be permitted to fly over pigeons.
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If things were left to chance, they'd be better.
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%
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If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
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-- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
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%
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If we learn by our mistakes,
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I'm getting one hell of an education!!
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@ -1030,6 +1022,7 @@ It works better if you plug it in.
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It's always darkest before ... daylight saving time.
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%
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It's always darkest just before the lights go out.
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-- Alex Clark
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%
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It's always easier to go down hill, but the view is
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from the top.
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@ -1059,8 +1052,6 @@ cater to your favorite neurosis.
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%
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King Arthur ran the first knight club.
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%
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Last guys don't finish nice.
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%
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Laugh and the world laughs with you. cry and ...
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you have to blow your nose.
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%
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@ -1103,8 +1094,6 @@ Mass man must be serviced by mass means.
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Misery no longer loves company
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nowadays it insists on it.
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%
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Most people deserve each other.
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%
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Most people want to be delivered from temptation but
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would like it to keep in touch.
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%
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@ -1144,6 +1133,7 @@ Never get excited about a blind date because of how
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it sounds over the phone.
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%
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Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
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-- Erma Bombeck
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%
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Never insult an alligator
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until after you have crossed the river.
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@ -1180,6 +1170,7 @@ No experiment is ever a complete failure.
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It can always be used as a bad example.
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%
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No good deed goes unpunished.
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-- Clare Boothe Luce
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%
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No major project is ever installed on time, within budgets,
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with the same staff that started it. Yours will not be the
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@ -1505,9 +1496,6 @@ is in print.
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%
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Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it.
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%
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Some people manage by the book, even though they
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don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
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%
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Souffles rise and cream whips only for the family and
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for guests you didn't really want to invite anyway.
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%
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@ -1564,6 +1552,7 @@ proportional to the number of other people who are in
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a position to do it instead.
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%
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The chief cause of problems is solutions.
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-- Eric Sevareid
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%
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The client who pays the least complains the most
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%
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@ -1650,8 +1639,6 @@ The higher the level of prestige accorded the people
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behind the plan, the least less chance there is of
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abandoning it.
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%
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The idea is to die young as late as possible.
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%
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The inside contact that you have developed at great
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expense is the first person to be let go in any
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reorganization.
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@ -1994,8 +1981,6 @@ not symbolically.
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Usefulness is inversely proportional to its reputation
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for being useful.
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%
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Virtue is its own punishment.
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%
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Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by
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spontaneously moving from where you left them to where
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you can't find them.
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@ -2041,8 +2026,6 @@ When all else fails, read the instructions.
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When an exaggerated emphasis is placed upon delegation,
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responsibility, like sediment, sinks to the bottom.
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%
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When eating an elephant take one bite at a time.
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%
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When in doubt, don't mumble, overexpose ... then mumble.
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%
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When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.
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@ -2081,6 +2064,7 @@ When somebody drops something, everybody will kick it
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around instead of picking it up.
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%
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When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
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-- Lynch
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%
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When the government bureau's remedies do not match your
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problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy.
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@ -2181,8 +2165,7 @@ You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to
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float on his back, you've really got something.
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%
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You can never do just one thing.
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%
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You can observe a lot just by watching.
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-- Hardin
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%
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You can pray hard enough to make water run uphill
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how hard?
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